Facebook Archive - 17 Dec 2008

I already do have some of these notes here, but I'm posting them all as Facebook Archives just in case. Until I reorganize and post to a Wordpress or something. I do have a new note, it'll come after this. Hello March 2010 :D

-----------------

Title: Letters

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 9:46pm

To You:

Hello. I don't think I've even met you yet, maybe I have, I don't know, but chances are that if I am meant to be together with someone for the rest of this life, you're alive and well right now and running about the same world I'm in, we just haven't met yet.


Logically speaking.


Haha well. Yeah. What is there to say. I miss you.I miss you already, even though I haven't met you (at least I think I haven't, and if I have could you please tell me so my life can be spared all the complications of its current state).


I miss you. I miss connecting with you, I miss laughing with and at you, smiling outside and inside at your smile, your sparkling eyes, your dimples, your wavy hair, drinking every aspect of your physicality in with wonder and awe at how I ever found you and how I could possibly ever let you go.

I miss the sound of your laugh that tinkles and echoes through my memories, I miss smelling your hair after an impetuous run through a January spring shower, after an hour-long warm bath, before Sunday breakfast and every moment of my existence in relation to you.

I miss us cooking golden pancakes in the resplendent mornings, I miss us laughing at a picnic on the green fields amidst the water sprinklers, I miss us hiking to the top of mountains to share a moment, I miss us cozying up in a comforter in a big armchair in a warm library by the fireplace with hot chocolate to share a book.

I miss us night after night after night up on the roof in the field on the street curbs in the balcony lying on our backs staring at the stars trading secrets, every secret, secrets that we can and have never been able to tell our closest friends, guys or girls, for the best of reasons.

But we can share those secrets, because there is nothing to hide and we are everything there is.


I miss you.


I pray I meet you soon. Because life isn't going so good right now, I mean its okay, but increasingly I find myself alone, despite all the wonderful friends I have around me that I love and treasure so dearly.

Because they can't be there for me all the time, and I can't for them, and I wouldn't ask them too, not to spend all their available time on me, because they are friends, and part of being a friend is letting them have other friends, other lives, chilling out, self-sacrifice.

But you, you're different. You want to hang out with me. You desperately want to be with me as much as I desperately want to be with you, calling me when you're done with classes, showing up at my door to surprise me with waffles, planning a huge birthday surprise for me behind my back, treasuring me and thinking of me when I have to go on holiday and we can't keep up our midnight calls.

Just as I am doing the same for you, not out of repayment, and not because I expect something out of you just because I do these things for you.

Simply because I love you, and making you happy, surprising you and entertaining you makes me happy. Spending time with you makes me happy, because you alight my soul. And I do these things one-way, free gestures, with no intent for reciprocation.

Freely giving with abandon and smiles and love just because making your life better is right to do, and I stop thinking right there(:


And it is so cool because you do exactly the same, not out of obligation, but simply because it is easy and natural to love me out of everyone else, because you see something in me that even I don't understand, but you constantly reassure me that its there anyway.


And the weird but cool thing is that that's exactly the same way I feel about you.


We are lucky people aren't we, finding each other like that, hearts and souls and minds finding a timeless companion in one another in a crazy hurting tumultuous world. I can't get enough of you.


When the whole world turns on its head in chaos, when parents, people, best friends, brothers let us down and we rage and cry and sob ourselves to sleep, its not so bad, because your arms are open and I know I can come running to you without feeling awkward or weird or imposing.

Because your love is one freely given and unconditional, we've talked about it, like every other thing we've talked about, even the really hard stuff involving each other that friends don't talk about, to each other, and we know without a doubt that even when we fight or fall or cry, I trust you and you trust me.

I trust you about everything, and even though you can't tell me how many stars there are in the skies tonight, you're my next best bet after God and my money's on you.

I've never met anyone like you, you blow my mind, you can argue with me intelligently about the best of issues holding your own, you refuse to compromise on being you, you shock me, annoy me, make me tear my hair out in exasperation sometimes.

But at the same time you melt my heart. Just looking at you takes my breath, my soul away, I could lose myself in your eyes forever, in those sparkling windows into your beautiful soul. Your hands, your fingers that hold me, your ears that I whisper in, your toes that dance across the sand together with mine, and your hair-

Lets not even get started on the hair.

And everytime you throw a tantrum or are silly or just plan to drive me nuts I don't know whether to hug you or to hit you.

So I kiss you.

This happens quite often.


And even while you can be so silly and crazy and my partner in crime so many times, when we need to be serious, when I need to be brought back in line, when I'm hurting and need not just a hug and hot chocolate but advice, you snap back and you wow me with your insights and your compassion and your love and everything else in your beautiful mind. We dance, we sing, we cry, we take over the world and everything else we set our minds to because nothing can stand in the way of our love. Not even the kids.


I love you.



I hope I meet you soon.

Adin Deimos Kindermann

i can only smile and nod my head.
hahahaha

December 17, 2008 at 10:02pm ·

Woo Ai Shan Beverly

HAHAHAH

THATS SO SWEET:D

December 17, 2008 at 10:03pm ·

Joel Cheng

Get out of my head.

December 17, 2008 at 10:13pm ·

Joel Cheng

I miss You too.

December 17, 2008 at 10:13pm ·

Joel Cheng

Like really really badly.

December 17, 2008 at 10:14pm ·

Amanda Eu

haha so sweet :)

December 17, 2008 at 10:31pm ·

Sarah Nat Raziff

Beautiful (:

December 17, 2008 at 11:33pm ·

Ali Wee

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
hahahahahahahahhaha!
:D

December 18, 2008 at 12:07am ·

Vanessa Sng

awww...that's really sweet =)

December 18, 2008 at 12:07am ·

Woo Ai Shan Beverly

eww JOEL!

TT SOUNDED SO WRONG

UHH KEANN... See More
DISTANCE YOURSELFFFF from him
ahahahaha

December 18, 2008 at 12:13am ·

Ning Leow

(: ♥

December 18, 2008 at 12:25am ·

Joel Cheng

I mean my You/Her/Better Half, not Keann.

December 18, 2008 at 12:33am ·

Joel Cheng

:/

December 18, 2008 at 12:34am ·

Woo Ai Shan Beverly

hahahahah

wtheckk
that was such a lame excuse
ahahah!

December 18, 2008 at 12:43am ·

Joel Cheng

Keann :
Where Are You - Natalie

December 18, 2008 at 12:53am ·

Khalisah Tan

:( shudduppp I'm in love with love and your stupid sappy letters of which seems to be impossible for me to be so lucky. I blame you for making me depressed so early in the day. >:(

December 18, 2008 at 12:28pm ·

ZAmanda Jacq

Aww. (:

December 20, 2008 at 12:23am ·

Keann Chong

Ammmaannddaaa (:

December 20, 2008 at 2:08am ·

Sha Rini

that was soo sweet...i bet every girl who read this will melt! =)

November 22, 2009 at 7:50pm ·

Khor Si Hui

Aww keann this is so sweet! The one God has planned for you must read this next time okay!

November 22, 2009 at 8:17pm ·

Keann Chong

hahahaha this is old stuff. Me and Matt should compete for notes written...

November 22, 2009 at 8:21pm ·

Casey Rafael Tan

good stuff. you should become a copywriter. if this was a tweet, ill RT it. haha

November 22, 2009 at 8:30pm ·

Keann Chong

thanks man. Haha. I think it only works when I'm really emotional though, and if I don't write anything it'll be gone. Like right after Red Camp I should have, but I didn't. HAHA :|

Delicious Holidays. Life.

Oh! Are we blogging now? Harhar okay. I feel like I’m in a good moodish. Today’s been decent, timing’s been a bit off planning, but I’m okay! Just wondering what I want to do later. Originally on the cards was worship bus trip, but I’m torn between skateboard practice and com gaming….whatever it is I’m sleeping at 11. Haha.

SO. Planned to wake at 7 today. And I did :D The plan was morning worship, after 8 hours of sleep, then breakfast, then go run at 8…

Then I realised that mom not leaving the house till 745am throws a spanner in things. I’ll figure that out later! But I won’t have to deal with that till Monday, so yeah. Tmr is going running with Keenan instead, at 8, soz yeah.

Instead today I fell asleep again and woke up at 8, so I had nine hours of sleep in the end, something I intend to keep constant :D

Worshipped harharhar. Got a couple more songs. There are way too many versions of I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever, by the way. I’m really bad at picking choices! Soz this led at some point to me going all Korean again. I blame Girl’s Generation. Saw this Youtube link to an old song by Girl’s Generation ( I didn’t previously like them ), clicked it dubiously, then the song about blew my mind :D

Girls in big huge long sleeved bright red shirts with big red baseball caps with a song that is exactly the way I like beat, a really catchy syncopated soft hiphop thing with stop-bursts of energy to pop to…

I likeeeee :D

So I was happy. Am happy. Hahahahahha. Grabbed lunch! I didn’t run in the end, procrastined (working on that), was wondering whether I wanted to swim at 1pm to make up for it, ate lunch while watching Gundam Seed Destiny episodes 1-4 (by the way is as crap as everyone says it is, I’m pretty much watching only because Athrun is badass and Lunamaria is hot and I feel an obligation to sit through the plot to get to the parts I want), packed my swim stuff and all…

Then it started raining D:

So much for that :/

So anw I got out of the house to church with dance stuff and my skateboard at 2-ish, cause I was supposed to meet Mel (Ghui) at 3.30 at the dance studio at 305 to see if we could dance with the big glass mirrors (something that following previous intel garnered I deduced that we could just use cause it was an open area, not a room, uh)

Turns out the air-conditioning is off, and the dudes can’t turn it on cause its not booked, and Jon Heng is around (mysterious), but whatever. Haha.

I’m used to dancing in no air-conditioning studios, somehow! I don’t hugely mind the sweat. Haha. Righto. So went up, called Pastor Jenn to inquire about booking, and she’ll check for us, but its highly unlikely cause its not a church thing we’re dancing for, like a ministry –
And no, no ideas about me starting one, cause guys honestly I’m just starting out on dance myself and I’m still trying to figure myself out, going in blind with this one, and you guys are welcome along for the ride, but I’m not fit to teach anything. Not even warmups. Honestly. Haha.

Gosh I miss O School. I’ll go back next month when I have funds, I really learnt a lot just about warmups, and if I’m practising at my own pace everyday I really should have some kind of choreo to work with that is not leggy girls prancing around, I can do that, but no -.-
But ah, funds. If I get my usual haircut, and contacts, and hair product is running out, that’s $110 bucks, and $160 when I get concession, and that’s only $140 left for the month, and if I hit the 8-week dance course that’s $120 upfront, and honestly that’s more useful for me than the open classes, though its scarily fun trying to catch up to new choreo in one hour every week with those.

Which leaves me with $20 for a month. And then there are the earphones I need to get, and shoes, and an iPod, its silly that I open my laptop on the bus if I want to listen to music…

Um, I need a job. But. Only three weeks of holidays. And I want a constant grunt work job that I can do when attachment starts, at nights or something, with a super friendly customer service philosophy that I agree with, so that means….

Starbucks.

Hmm. I want to ask Starbucks-working people about that. Haha. There’ll be training right! I have three weeks, that works out about fine…


So anyway, I was in the studio trying to remember what the warmups were for O School, and trying to remember how many crunches and in what order, even stumbling upon the same music that Alex (The dude guy teaching at open classes) used for same warmups..
Then Mel came and we largely did our own stuff. We’re doing so different things anyway. She’s focusing on choreo from SNSD and videos and everything, and I want to get my techniques down. Haha. So lots of neck work today, and trying to figure out body side-to-side isolation, and I focused a lot on chest popping practice, linking to the body wave, uh.

I still have problems with that! And cause there’s no wireless where we are, I couldn’t pull up the instructional video I used to use for the body wave.

Worked out for an hour, didn’t get very far noticeably, but I’m gonna have faith in practice and just leave it. Tmr will be better, no point chionging all out and hurting self and getting demoralised the next day. Same goes for skateboarding, and running, swimming, and hopefully gym that I haven’t even planned into my schedule yet…


Tmr will be better, tighter, and I’ll get that video downloaded tonight. Yeah (:


Righto. Hit the library after, came home at seven-ish, tried to practice skateboarding in the carpark for awhile, cool evening(:


And here I am. Haha. Gonna go eat now. And volunteer to wash up. Uh. Sorting laundry clothes for myself I guess…


Man I really have to get that guitar back from Cheryl Han, its been four years, I need to get off my ass. But next week. Haha. Lots of errands to do tmr! But I’ve managed to plan my day already. Week, no, but….working on it. Do not want, let HIP go to waste. Yeah. (:


RIGHT. FOODTIME.


OH. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEENAN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLENE ONG, AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY ENNA. I love you all like crazy nuts I hope today has been the bombbbb, or will be. Yeah. See you soon (:



My entire dressing philosophy ♥

I hate you

I hate you. I really really hate you. I hate everything about you. You're so annoying, you don't give me anything, not even dignity, I know you want to trod me into the ground and smush me and kill me slowly and I just want to get away from you. So bad. I never do anything to you, I never confront you, but now and again you just decide to come in and ruin my life with snide comments and treating other people better than me and depriving me of things. I hate. you. You're the worst dad in the world, people say others have worse situations, like Sharyl or whatever, but at least they talk. Something. Talk about God. Kinda. You hate everything about me, you hate what i love, you disagree with everything I like, you shit on everything I want, and ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH.


Look I discovered blogging. You retard. I really really freaking hate you. And I won't vent to anybody else. Honour. Something. You will never get just how much effort I'm putting in just to do this much. Both of you. To not fight. I'm nowhere near loving yet but at least i'm not fighting. Not shitting all over you. Not that you'd care, or affirm, or encourage, or anything like that. You know nothing like that. Just your own snide little world view of what things should be and you hate everything that is not. Freaking short-sighted munchkins. I hate you.


ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.


WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE ENOUGH ALREADY


I hate you and I want real parents ):

The rest of sunday.

Hoo hoo hoo.

Haha. Its 5am already! Oh dearrrr.

But I believe I was doing productive stuff!
Minus the reading wow.com, and chatting on fb and skype. Haha.

God, I've served you today. Gladly. Productive mode. Working on it. Working in it. Thank you for showing me that I have it.

Children's min, and really trying to work, I think, and the shoot, and afterwards at the hospital, and then blogging/making a note so others are blessed by it.

I know this is all for You and of You (:

Just that....its 5am now. Oh dear. Haha. There's radio!

BUT I entrust it to you kay! Seek ye first the kingdom of God. And I have. And I will. And I await your favour. You provide for all my needs anwyay (:



Helpe me to wake up early tmr God! Is it possible! Haha. I wanna be productive. Hopefully I can get up early enough to run. Yeah. Wake up, shoot to breakfast, run, sit-ups (I want a mat D:).....oh yeah I can't worship at home. Haha. Where to?

I'll ask you tmr again (:

Heal my earphones, Lord. I know you can do anything. Haha.


RIGHT. SLEEPO TIME?


I guess no dota. And no maple. Le sigh.

I need a job, Dad. And moneyyy. haha. Howww.

Good night (:

Hospitals at night, the warm afterglow.

Tonight, I realised that hospitals at night are one of my most favourite places.

Try walking through the halls of TTSH past midnight, its dark, sleepy, dimly lit, glowing with little puddles of yellow light, probably to reassure those who have to wait the whole night for their loved ones, and those rushing in by taxi for the A&E.

Its very calming, not creepy at all, doesn't smell sickly, or medicinally, no buzzy worried crowd, just the occasional worried couple with masks on, head in hands, waiting outside the A&E, or the sleeping old man in the bench.

This place isn't death, it's opportunity. The place breathes with them. Whether in the beds of the sleeping patients above, or the waiting worriers outside the quietly frantic A&E, or the occasional urgent gown-escorted helter-skelter metal bed trolley running past from the ambulance.

There's so much to do, so much influence to wield, especially when you remember that we're living time-bombs of God's presence spreading puddles of it when we walk, more when we pray, and even more when we offer to heal.

And its, so, fun.

I wasn't even trying to be in a hospital tonight. I just got back, an hour ago from TTSH, I didn't plan to go there for a treasure hunt or a prayer walk or anything like that.

I just had a film shoot that went past midnight on National Day, and one of the actors got greviously injured. We rushed him to the hospital.

And so I'm here, sitting here, with Valerie Chia, on the gravel outside the A&E, mask drooping off our faces, watching the other despondent and worried people waiting for loved ones.

ooh

gee God I wonder what happens now?

:D :D :D

Lets just say that I haven't been offering to step out and heal people in awhile, despite being post-SSM and all. School has been hard, challenging, and social life tempts to distract, and my struggles with self-discipline are all over the place. Revival hasn't started, its scary to offer to heal friends, politics are awash around the area, and different christians from different churches believe in slightly different things, and have slightly different priorities.

And that lady in a wheelchair has turned from a window of opportunity into an obstacle of fear all over again.

I admit that.

Saturday comes. Suddenly my friend, who doesn't believe in healing, pops up out of the blue and tells me that he believes in healing now. It wasn't the argument. It wasn't the experiences I told him about. It was a conviction from the Holy Spirit brought upon by me being entirely willing to jump out and try and heal him of an injury, a month ago.

He didn't get healed that day, by the way.

But here he is then, telling me that watching me dare to be so expectant, with such faith, changed something. He continued, talking about going out to heal in general, saying "what's needed is intervention, the healing from God is just a bonus".

"What's needed is intervention, the healing from God is just a bonus."

Now we know this. The Bethel guys told us this. But its one thing to hear it from the Bethel experts, and quite another to hear the exact same thing come out of your friend's mouth, who was previously quite unconvinced of healing, and its not like you said anything like that to him, fearing that it'd sound like an excuse for the healing not happening.

So that was encouraging. Then Pastor John comes up and gives a sermon about the exact same thing. And I am reminded that yes, I can heal, and I want to heal, and I want to expect the supernatural all over again, even though I've been flagging.


Back to the hospital past 1am.

what am I doing here

snicker.

Totally go for it right.

Rubs hands together

I'm still laughing at how I got to be here. I know I need practice, I know I haven't done this in a long time, and here I am, and I didn't even seek it out. Its the A&E ward on a public holiday in the middle of the night. This is too easy.

There's that lady in a wheelchair with casts all over, can I pray for you? Lady's very un-wheelchair-bound friend assertively proclaims "no, we don't need you to pray for us, thanks."

Ooook.



I return to my friend. Then that old man in the thin white tee and slippers. "Hi, my name is Keann, what's yours?"

"Sorry, no, I don't want to talk to you right now, I just want to rest."

old man walks away and pointedly sits somewhere else

On that note, people waiting in a hospital past midnight are usually notoriously easy to talk to. If you're there waiting for someone else too. It happens all the time, all over the world, worried waiters find solace in others waiting too, and rapport is usually easily, sometimes desperately, built over cups of vending machine coffee and hard ceramic benches.

You can see in the body language, you can feel it in the atmosphere, everyone wants a friend when waiting at 3am.

Usually.

Haha.



Its okay. I make friends with this indian man. Foreign worker I think. We stumble over some words, then he leaves when his friend comes out from the ward, I never got to offer to pray or sow a seed. Bummer.


Ooook. My friend's mom comes then. And we talk while my friend sleeps, about stuff, work, the film shoot, parent-children dynamics, whatever..




I go and buy food, come back, and see this semi-old guy sitting opposite us on a curb, next to the A&E mysterious fever ward (which is crazy fillled, at the end of the day, I've spoken to 3 out of 5 people who are waiting for people with high fevers).

His son overheated. he's in the ward. Of course we can't go in. But i get to pray for him and the father too. The father wants my contact for some reason, maybe to ask his son to thank me later. This whole time, I know my friend's non-christian mom is watching my back.

I am devious. Haha. The injured friend is discharged, I tell them to leave first cause I still want to pray for the father dude.

My only case k, of course I'm staying. Its 230am, this is hilarious.




We finish that, I start to grab my bag and leave.

Hold on.

That worried indian couple has been sitting there since before I got here, everyone else around since then has left.

Hmm. (Its always really easy to go for one more after one successfully allowed prayer)

:D

They didn't let me pray for their feverish (another one) daughter. But seeing the way their eyes lighted up at a random stranger coming to ask them who were they waiting for, what happened to her, concerned for her health and their tiredness...

That was cool(:




That's all right. Time to go! Hold on! There's this worried lady sitting near the counter! There's a man with her. But they aren't together. You can tell. The man is serious too, but he's not worried, he's resolute. Like, almost quietly confident.

"Hey, do you know where's the taxi stand? (I really didn't know). Er, who are you waiting for?"

Hee.

Turns out the lady's husband is sick. Can I pray for him?

"Oh we prayed already," the confident man says with a tired smile.

oh, it all makes sense now

:D

Now its my face's turn to light up. Hahahahha. Fellow christians. Awesome! I could have offered to pray again, more prayer always helps. Perfectly legit.

Instead, I had a gut feeling (I won't say led), to not do that, but say this instead. I was somewhat high already, anyway, from the previous two happenings in 6 minutes.

"I like hospitals. So much, opportunity :D"

Faces flicker with half-confusion before settling on sudden realisation and smiles.
"Oh, I see," the man says, happily.

I leave them. I know they've already been blessed :D

I'm not saying this to boast, but I know there is nothing wrong with accepting that we are awesome, modesty is not humility.

But I know how inspired and strengthened I am when I'm suffering and see a fellow peer suddenly jumping in and being really on fire for God, happy and bringing Him into the conversation for you. It works best when when it comes from an unexpected area, like not in church, but school from someone you didn't know was a christian, or on the train, or anything like that.

And I've just done that for that two, especially being a crazy young kid running around the hospital at 2am and all. I've inspired them, and given them something to think about.

I take my leave, skate down the TTSH slope, see a (full-fledged!) bat flitting above my head when I reach the bottom, take a cab back.

So blessed! :D :D


Thank you God, for remembering that I do best with spontaneous surprises, not planned charts and outlines :D


We are such walking time bombs for God, isn't it scarily exciting. :D

Hospitals(:

Saturday, Service, Spirit replenishment (:

SO.I WANTED TO POST SOMETHING HERE.

It was about Saturday.

Haha. Hold on, on that note, Friday, I also learnt an important lesson about not being late. It really crushed me to not be able to be an usher, just because I was 10 minutes late, especially when I took a taxi all the way, bringing me one step closer to being broke.

Sigh. I was angry at first, thought they were being unreasonable, then I realised that the right thing to do was to learn the lesson from it. Late, face the consequences. Therefore, don't be late. Haha.

And it worked out okay anyway, I had an enjoyable time in the subway with the long book (:

Plus, I found it quite funny that the only reason I'd dress up to that extent is because I am an usher, an official representation. Like I'll do next week. When it comes to myself, I can't really be bothered. I want my own style. Haha. Uh.

----------------------------------

SO SATURDAY. HMMM.

What happened. Oh yeah. The conversation with Joshua Simon. Oh man. Haha.

What happened was that, weeks and months ago, I had a huge argument with him about healing and its possibility. And we discussed that arguments didn't do anything, but somehow, experiences can be seen and talked about, and the person still might not believe (case in point: Josh).

And I picked up somewhere along the way from Pastor Jen and all that, that some things can only be gotten through revelation from the Holy Spirit. All arguments and experiences can't do anything, without that.

And on saturday, Josh just came and spoke to me that he believed in healing now.

Because of me praying for him that day. The funny thing was, he didn't even get healed man. But the experience really wowed him, about how I stepped out in complete faith and was ready to intervene.

And he said about healing and stepping out:

"What is really needed is intervention, the healing from God is just a bonus".

That's crazy. Because see, as people stepping out, we do understand that, but its not something you'd say to the people you're praying for! Because it sounds like a cop-out, an excuse, a "oh you didn't get healed but that wasn't the point anyway".

But its entirely different when the people you're praying for, completely realise that for themselves, without you saying anything in the matter. Okay, revelation through the Holy Spirit.

Its one thing to hear that logic from Joaquim and the Bethel supernatural healing bigwigs! That the healing is just a bonus! Its another thing entirely to hear it from your friend, whom you've stepped out for, and you didn't say anything like that at all to them."

Its so powerful.And that's when you realise that "hey, I don't have anything to lose, at all." "This is real."

Dannng. So I really needed that inspiration. Because post-SSM, I've been regressing. So caught up trying to survive schoolwork, knowing I should be going around healing people, but still being afraid. And slowly regressing.

And yesterday restored that, put me back in the mode. Pastor John talked about it in the message as well. And brought us back, replenished us, re-encouraged us that we can heal and we should go out and do it.

I so needed that. Haha. The SSM spirit, had been slowly dying away.

But now I am reminded and re-restored and ready to go!

Ready to see a wheelchair and see it as an fun opportunity, not a fearful obstacle.

Again. Yup. Haha.

I wondered if the others, Hannah etc, were going through this as well. Cause its the whole "we're going to step back into schools and cause mass revival! yeah!".

Then it doesn't happen. And we (at least i), can't help wondering if hey we're wasting our gifts, what we've been equipped. Vague sense of unease that something should be happening, but we aren't doing it. Guilt.

That's silly. Haha.

but yeah lets clean slate it. Ready to go. Hmmm. Operate from approval aye! No "we need to do this", it really is just a bonus. No pressure. Haha. Fun. Love.


Hohohoho. Okay. I got Saturday down. What's important about it, anyway.

Lets hit this productive mode thing. Lets do up this radio thing (:

Friday, National Day Breakthrough

Still in productive mode! I will be. Haha.

Lets talk about Friday, Day Of His Power.

I really learned something about being a citizen of Singapore that day. It felt like a real breakthrough, a problem I didn't even realise I had, but rather was proud of my "inclinations".

They were speaking about giving thanks for the nation, and living to really have a heart to love our country, for real, because if not, we will never be able to pray for Singapore in the right spirit!

And I so totally agree. See, over the years, I've always prided myself as not being "of here". I've been ashamed to be Asian. I've been ashamed of my culture, i've always wanted to be Western. It always made so much more sense to me. I've appreciated Singapore tons, over the years, but I've always seen myself as belonging to the "ang moh" cliques. Singaporeans small and shortsighted. Little bubble. Conniving and grasping and silly notions of respect that is entirely dependent on rank, not capability.

There have been reasons for it. Me hating most of how my parents have treated me. River Valley. Resentment, blaming the culture for all the crap I went through. Escaping to my Western Identity, American, then Australian, because they had life philosophies I agreed with so much more. Being open, unafraid of shame, etc. Forward, all of that.

Staying away from my Chinese identity. Never liking or really understanding even Chinese New Year. Not liking relatives. Never being good at Chinese anyway, so why bother. Deny it to support my self-identity.

I've always been looking towards getting out. Thinking I'm meant for "something more". That I'm "better than this". But all of these....

Pastor Charissa and me once had a random conversation that stuck in my head. About how I hated my Asian heritage, Chinese etc, and she said"If you don't accept where you come from, you can't get to where you're going".

And I've not been willing to. It hurts too much. I've been too stubborn to say my views over the years have been wrong. I've hung out, and built a community around myself, where because I am "Western", I am cool.

And "cheenah" is bad. And on top of that, the whole "loving nation" thing not being cool. Not that I have any issues with Singapore itself, I know what a frigging great job they've done over the years, its nuts. But it has never been "cool" in Singapore to be patriotic, but seen more as a "government hugging nut", and so I've not been, appreciating, but always having the thought process stop there!

Even though I actually really love singing some of the songs, I have not been letting myself. Not wanted to be "uncool".


I am repenting of that. Haha. God really hit me at DOHP. And I realised that until I love my country, yes, I cannot pray for it in the right spirit! Because I have no ownership of it.

And I will. I do love my country. And its not healthy to run away from my heritage. I just need to step out now and unabashedly say that yes I think Singapore is pretty awesome. Its time to make it "cool" to be so. I get it now.

So, Singapore (:


Hahahahha. I like my country. I love my country. and if you don't you're not cool, not me. Lol. Hmm.

So really needed to hear that, that day. Rawr. But now....the question arises.

How do I love two countries at once? I still believe that I am called to Australia. Its just now that I don't have a resentment for Singapore anymore. But how do we work that out.....

Like, now I have to sink roots into here and love it unabashedly knowing that I have to leave. Haha.

Interesting. But I think, like Pastor Charissa said, until I accept where I come from, I cannot go where I'm going (:

So this is a on the way process for me in Australia. Learning that it doesn't mean leaving Singapore behind without thought. I can see how that'd work out.


So. Time to love my nation. Whether its cool or not. Its right. Haha. Alrightyyyy (:

As for the faults and hurts I've suffered, I'm learning that these might not be because of culture, but more of people. Let's not blame culture for faults of people, because what happens when you go to a different culture and find the same problems! Then you have egg in your face. Haha.

Okay.

I love Singapore (:

This is a new thing. Time to get used to it. Haha. Enthusiasm!

August, before cell

So how God? Should I write this note now?

Haha ugh. Okay. I guess not. Though its natural to spill. I'm sure all of this in my head will be here later if you tell me to do it later.

Lets listen to you all the way, not halfway God. Alright. Starting new (:

-------

Hmm guess i know why start later now. Haha. Had to go for cell in like 30 seconds. Lol.

And I'm going to turn it off again because you say so, God. Fellowship time (:

Clean slate. Wiped identity clean


5/8/09 5th August

Bus worship 2

I think I miss church, God. And I miss happy people. Its so draining here, the possible politics, the trying to keep everyone happy, the juggling friendships with work.

I miss the freedom and the grace and the love, and no club or drinking camaraderie can compare to that!

Yup. Only in you is joy truely found, the love, the happiness, woowwww. Remembering now (:

Hahaahaha. To worship. One % bat!

Pre Bus Worship

Hmm.

Bit depressed Lord, and I'm not sure why. Am I just tired? I've been tireder. Assignments are covered, just masina, and acting, printjourn is clear and medlaw is negligible, its just masina and acting left. Why do I feel so unhappy then? Is it just because I'm poor and broke and lack options? Haha I don't know....

This saturday I will not go drinking. There is no value. Rarrgh. But yeah I just feel so uncool lately. Restricted by money, restricted by time, and I don't like it, Dad ):

Hahaahah ahhhhh.

I don't know what I need. I think.....

its you. Haha. Time to worship. Lord, will you let the 3% bat last the journey pleaeeeeessee? I want to be happy. Engaging your joy....now

God Talk More

Gal 9:6 or 6:9

Hmm. So I shouldn't go to Hillsong, because:

1. Its time the whole bunch of them got out from under my shadow, and learn how to chase after God on their own, and why.

2. For me, its time for me to really learn the lesson that I don't have to go after the hype, and the big shows. Like, make it into reality. And not be there. Also, learning to think of how I can serve, as opposed to how I can be served. And I can serve better in COOS that week.

Should I still go down? No. Its true that me being there can help facilitate and everything, but I spend my time better doing other things. Plus, josh and rachael and everyone can facilitate on their own anyway, they're capable people. Or do I really want to go down because I want to see Myra? Hah. Got it.

I was gonna type about something else here...Oh right. NP cell. And me and dance worship. And my leadership and sowing truth style, how I might not be trusting God enough in it. And counting the cost for school, and how lately I've not really been willing to go all out and sink deep precisely because I've been afraid of counting that cost. Sinee. Hmm. Harsh, but its gotta be said.

Whooosh, worship really puts you in the right mindset of asking God for His will (:


Lol ok I visit NP cell this friday. Cause we don't have cell anyway, It works out! But after that, corporate prayer, and Day of His Power, I stick with my cell, hold the cell together. Awesome (: And La and Cerise will talk and then we'll seeeee.

The wisdom La has is astounding. Lol.

Oh yeah I want to reflect on going to help treasure hunt too. Kids, being late, Pastor John. Right.

Need to talk about porn/sex/clubbing vs praising God and reading his word etc and living in him...

And how I should help Kai En in the clapping thing, mentoring, not just about hype, but in being in tune with God, and leading....

Bus Rides and Stress

dfkjasdnfaskdjfn

Howwww God. Howwwww. I am so scareddd. And so stonned. Don't feel like typing, brain doesn't feel like moving, and I really have to create up a storm tonight. Michael Jackson. Local quotes. Oh welll? I have more than enough info to chuck in without having local quotes luh, but its like ararrrrrrghhh.. Confusion.

"Michael took soul, jive, gospel, dance, groove and rock, and combined it. And that created pop as we know it"

Rarrrraggghhh And then if/when I pull this off, I get some sleep, (hopefully), and go to school, SPSS something, hit printjourn, chiong the web radio proposal afterwards in one and a half hours, and thennn I gotta watch the movie, in my sleep addled state. or something. With no money for Red Bull. And then watch Harry Potter. Without writing my review yet. THEN stay up and write said 350-word review.

And figure out wisp next day, EPM sometime, and Masina report omg omg omg. So howwwwwwwwww?

God I know you've pulled me through things before, but I'm so scared.

"Don't be". Ah. I feel very defeated God. Haha. Then on top of everything I'll probably have pimples tmr, and meeting Myra, oooh funnnn.

Waaaaghh.

Cool today though, teaching Josh about healing and stuff and discussing it with Clarice. Yuppp. Haha. Then the bubble ended and I had to go back and do my story again ):

Whaaaaat. Local quotes? Don't bother? Just take them anyway?

Rarrrghh. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Well good, God, because I have no understanding left to lean on.

-.-

Haha. But yeah I wil praise you. Just....a bit tired to sing right now. Uh. Yeah. I trust you. And if work doesn't work out, its just work. My grades don't determine my destiny (:

Rarraragaghh. Haha. God give me rest? Yup (:

(sleep)

Bus Rides and MJ

Apparently I do work so much better on the bus, so....

Before I start, I would just like to say that I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. I do not want to screw Michael Jackson up, man. He touched hearts and souls and was such an icon and inspiration to so many people, so huge, that I reaaaaalllly don't want to turn in an amateur piece on him. Not for me, but for him, and for his fans. Joshua. Any dancer. Audrey. Any other fan. Any lecturer. Anyone who understands and was captivated by his genius. During his time. Nuts. This intimidates me, God. Haha. The man is a towering icon, how can I possibly begin to encapsulate his presence in one story.

One shot, one hype, one day. Haha. Hooboy. That said, I love writing like this. Free. Writing stories is so much harder, I fret and worry over every single word I might say, I am caught and stuck between endless possibilities, and now I can be stupid and I just don't care and SOMEHOW it turns out great to read.

How does that work out. I don't know man. Maybe I should write this way for my stories first, then edit. Take whatever comes..

But something in my psyche rails violently against doing work twice. Haha. Oh freaking man. I would like to write the way the wow bloggers write, but then again, those are blogs, right? The time and trusted method of the "professional" writer....

Oh gosh. How to capture that explosion of awesomeness that is MJ. And i just found out about him man. Haha.

Zinnnnnggg. How was today, God? Well I loved worshipping in the morning. I thought Acting turned out okay. Whatever right. Just hope Mel isn't pissed off at me. Sigh. Dieeeee. DVD review tooooo. At least I found the movie. God really please I need you for this stuff.

"Trust in the Lord in all your heart and lean not on your own understanding," God says. "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Guess I just gotta roll with that huh. Haha. Rarrrlgh. I worry for SPSS, God. If I'm rushing thar DVD review and all, how do I have time to analyse? How cans we survey? Plus I can't expect them to carry me further, Mel and Dion have done a ton already and its time for me to step up. Man.

Wisp, EPM, Masina, Printjourn...

NPCell. Movie. Clubbing. Oooh boy.

Should I go for Rachael's party, God. I want to ): I sense the answer is no, but I want to. I finally got invited to something, something social, and I want to make the most of it ):

Then again if its not of your will I'd maybe just get screwed right. Haha. Okay I sense the answer is no but I'll ask again? Alrighty.

Ahhhh Michael Jacksonnnn. How to scale that insurmountable thing. Haha. God really just flow and give me an inspiration and passion and ENERGY for the story? I want to write something that touches, grips hearts. Like crazy. The man deserves it. His fans deserve it. Haha. Please Daddy.

I now also realise that I should ask Val to change the script. Maybe the character might swear, but there are other ways to convey emotion and make a good scene. You don't need that. If I compromise on this, how can I be strong on not compromising on nudity or sexual scenes as an actor, or anything? Gotta stand firm. Not "for the sake of the scene." No. I shouldn't compromise. Rarrrgh.

Okay God. Thank you for everything, thank you for money, thank you for friends, and I know you will take care of me. Gotta go. Gogoogogo.

Laterrrr (:

The Morning After

Good morning Daddy,

Hey (:

I might not be here talking to you now, if I didn't go back to read last night's journal entry. Haha. Thank you for reminding me and getting me to read it.

(:

So what now? Its 7:53 am, I've just had breakfast, and I seem vaguely free. But that's a lie. Michael Jackson story creeping up, and WISP needs to be done, and I think there IS medlaw. Haha. Will check. Medlaw at 11, which means I gotta leave by ten....and I really need to collect facts for the MJ story. And write. Behind timeee man. God I really pray, that you get them to give me an extension. I'm afraid to ask:p

But I suppose culture of honour? Hah.

So, what now, God? Start chionging MJ facts now? Or worship, spend time with you? How long? About what? Haha.

Hmm. I do need to talk to Josh, but I shouldn't be limited by it! I might have to work on it without him. Cell Rsvps....

Should I stay over at Josh's today? Haha okay you say no. Yeah. I am in control of my circumstances. I can do my work anyway, I am an overcomer.

I am so happy for Josh at NRA btw. He seems really happy there, going day after day (:

Bleagh the last night thing. I was gonna wake up, but I guess Fifi forgot. And shery tried. Haha. Darn. But its okay I guess God thought I needed the rest anyway....9 hours? Lol. I feel rested, which is good...

So weird to not have to chiong radio this week. Haha. Well.

Lots to do God, help me grip me to my work and stuff. Yeah. Lets worship now, for ten minutes.

- takes longer than that-

There's a difference between worship, and listening to a song for enjoyment. Big difference. Whole heart and soul and focus goes into worship, period. Listening to a song, even if you're thinking about God or talking/listening, I don't think so.

And neither makes you more holy. Worship is better for spiritual growth, but that isn't the point of worship either! Its for God, ministering to God, period. Its awesome because, when we do that, we connect with God and He speaks to us and heaven comes and we grow. But that's a side effect. If we aim for the side effect we'll miss the real thing and then we'll miss everything.

Yeah (:

Finally, a big long real entry (:

Hey Daddy,

I thank you. I thank you for so much, for the things that happened today, and during the week, for the things that I know about and even the things that I don't know about. I'm very aware that as I had been praying, desperately, even though I kept getting distracted, and sinning too, you still came/am still coming through for me. I'm not quite sure how you did it, but somehow things have shifted and deadlines seem more manageable somehow, once I managed to get past the NDP story. Wow. That was horrible. Haha. But I thank you for that blessing, it really was a huge exercise in staying focused. Time and time again, especially last night, I realised that if I don't get anything in the first five minutes, running away and doing something else really isn't the smart thing to do. Stick with it, hold with it, even though its frustrating and painful, and something will come out eventually. A huge exercise in persistence, in creative work, where the answer, unlike math, can't be found by google or by asking other people. Its things you have to create and that's it.

Wow. Thank you. Remember how for the past two days I kept finding myself in the same situation? Desperate during the day, getting distracted at night, growing complacent, panicking again in dead night, and suffering because of it. And feeling like I was the worst worker in the world, terrified of letting myself and everyone else down.

And the fear. And not seeing how I could get past those circumstances simply because of my inability to knuckle down. Staying happy about my circumstances was one thing that by your grace i could do, but getting down to changing those circumstances was another.

This whole episode has been a huge lesson about persistence and just knuckling down, and I am stronger for it. Tired, yes, but stronger.

I thank you that I've started journaling again, like now. I thank you for drilling in my head through that talk with Josh to not let my emotions or my circumstances control me. I can't not do good work because "I don't feel like it". I can't not do work because "the place isn't right". Or "I'm hungry", or "I need this music to be playing, "i need to feel like a genius, "I need the library or a new location. I am in control of my circumstances, because I am your child and I have control. My circumstances don't have control of me, I'm a world changer, and I can do my work even if my father is yelling in my ear.

Within moderation of course, I should do outward things if they help me too, but not the point where I keep trying to find the "perfect formula" and end up not doing anything because I get distracted while doing that.

I am in control of my circumstances. Rawr.

I thank you for me being broke too, God. Haha. Is this a fast? I don't think so. I have banned myself from Facebook, and I'm too broke to eat, and I cherish what I have, but I don't feel like this is a fast. All those things were for me, not really for you, but they have shown me so much. Being broke has shown me that I CAN survive on a shoestring, by due fact that I have been doing so for two weeks. That I CAN endure hunger, and don't have to indulge every little taste. That I CAN be wise, going home for dinner, packing little things, and of course depending on your grace (:

Like friends deciding to pay for me even though I don't ask. And today. Wow. Was hungry. Was going to endure. Talked to you about it. And suddenly there was a full buffet of free food in front of me. God, You're amazing!

Wow. I am in awe. And I can only pray that this sticks, not like after I get all my money again, I go back to splurging. There are better things to spend/save my money on, I know! I hope this frugality sticks.

Also, this discipline. That half sermon I listened to about us being in greatest danger to fall after our greatest victories. Me being desperate enough to ban facebook. Realising that yes, I don't need to stay connected to the world, and really need to turn everything off to do my work sometimes. You showing and guiding me through all of that. The album, the songs you have blessed me with. Wow. I pray that you give me a new charger, God. And help the discipline stick. Help me exercise the gift of self-control to DO things, not just to keep out of bad things.
Its not about being old and boring, its about growing more mature and more like Christ! What I feel is better doesn't matter, as long my heart is for you.

Wow, thank you for nuking my itunes, God. Haha. I love and cherish my songs so much more now. Thank you. I would have never discovered many of these songs I have, even though they lay there in my hard drive, and never developed a personal music identity with these things. Hah. Thank you, for teaching me all these things and all these lessons in the absence of an earthly father to teach me. Wow. I feel loved and at peace.

I learnt another lesson over the past few days as well. Something I've vaguely known for a time but shall make concrete now. You know how when we're desperate we - at least I - always want to turn to You? But there seems like there's no time to, work and everything and exhaustion piling up and all? But I'll develop a dependant relationship with you anyway, and looking forward to getting out of the mudpile, to do all these things like worship you and pray and journal and spend time with, things i wished I had time to do while in crisis. But once I'm out of it, I forget, get complacent, and start wasting my free time now on stupid things, instead of all the things I wanted to do. Which don't benefit me at all!

So now, lets try to set this in stone. To do my quiet time and journal, and worship and read your Bible, and other books and other things when I do have free time, out of the knowledge that time is precious and that when I have very little of it, I will really want to do these things, and these are great opportunities I'm missing. To remember when I've been starved of time and of time with God, to remind myself to feed my time with God when I have time available.

To remember situations when I would have given everything I own just to have time to worship or pray more in dire situations. Help me to remind those experiences, to remember that time is precious, and now that I have it, lets not take it for granted. Do things with God. With the spirit of self-control. I'm not controlled by my emotions! I am in control of them and of my circumstances!

Not that I can't do other things, but the crunch times really show what I really crave when you strip me bare, not movies or games as much as time with God.

Which was how I was created anyway.

Ohmygosh. I just realised that the song that I'm listening to, Follow Through, a love song by Gavin Degraw talking about how if someone he really loves really wants to be with him, she really needs to get serious and follow through, since she really wants to be with him, with everything she says. And he does love her totally whole-heartedly back, but she has to stick around or nothing will happen.

And God is just speaking to me now, like He's Gavin Degraw singing that song to me, someone He loves, someone that needs to follow through.

"This is the start of something good, don't you agree."

So I'm just going to sit here and listen to that song, once more, taking it as words from God to me, a love song from him to me.

Who says God can't speak through secular things and songs? You "just gotta open your eyes, and ears, and pay attention to everything around you!"

HAHA (:

"And you are my son John, the disciple I loved, because I know you need more love than most people, and I am willing to provide that love, so watch out for it, its going to come in lots of different ways, from people, from circumstances, music, and random things. Watch out for it."

(:

Bus love melancholy, that sounds like a song

So. Finally writing again. Typical how it takes love melancholy to make me do this, instead of epic events, or epic life-shattering encounters with God, of which i've had plenty of over the past few months.

Life has been...interesting.

And I really should have taken all of it down huh. Haha. Ah well. Lets not dwell on all of that today, lets just dwell on...today.



I feel lonely again. Well, not in the same way as before, its not the nobody-is-there-for-me loneliness, or anything, God is here and he's fixed that (somewhat), thank you Dad. I'll never be alone, I always have you to talk to, rant to, turn to, et-cetera...

And yeah. I've always been so okay with getting affection from those around me in my life, the girls especially, who are okay with hugging and all of that.

I'm cool with that.

Its Day Two of Zul telling me firmly that I should be holding off doing that, hugging, being so tender, etc, with Nadia. And Shery and Val. Because of the whole boyfriend thing. Its not wrong, I fully agree, and I probably needed an incentive anyway to stop being so physically affectionate (inappropriately, as Pastor Josh would say) with girls anyway.

Yeah. We'll figure out girls sometime, but firstly, girls with boyfriends are off limits.

However, folllowing that, and being reminded every second when with them, great friends that I love (who wouldn't turn me down), that I'm not going to do that, hugs and tenderness and stuff, really reminds me that I don't have someone of my own to do that with.

So that's the part that bothers me now. The lack of a girlfriend to hold, to be with, to caress tenderly, to love, etc. I used to do that with all girls, you know, friends, i'm okay with it as long as they're okay...but now that I'm drawing back from that -

Going on bus rides are awesome. Haha.

Well anyway....not wanting to dwell on this topic further. But disappointment, and God saying He'll always fulfill his promises...

Idk. I was made to love. And there was nothing inappropriate in my mind when i do these things. Just wanting to love, and find a connection there, between friends.

Just that girls with boyfriends are off limits, just as most girls i know in church are.

Haha.

Help me to learn to love and connect through other ways as well, Lord (:

Okay, later

SSM Second Night Notes

SSM Second Night Notes

----------------------------------------------

As you study creation, you will find God there!

----------------------------------------------

Matt 19:18

Honour your father and mother, love your neighbour as yourselves!

----------------------------------------------

John 15

Love one another, just as I have Loved you! (Jesus)

--> Second level of love!

First level love as self, second level love as Jesus did!

----------------------------------------------

Eph 3:17-21!

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God (:

----------------------------------------------

Songs Of Solomon

---> Full time choir to follow around those in love lol.

----------------------------------------------

The kingdom has a high value for passion!

The disciples knew servant-hood!

But the kingdom has a high value for passion! (Like Mary who poured perfume on Jesus' feet)

Maybe we have focused too much on obedience and starved people from passion, from love!

From experiencing love and doing this out of the passion of love!

----------------------------------------------

You think that these great missionaries are sacrificing things for God!

But if you're in love, it doesn't matter! It is completely driven by passion!

From the outside it can look like sacrifice, but from the inside its driven by passion!

Its not hard, its easy, there's nothing you'd rather do!

Sometimes the church, enslaved by discipline, looks at these guys and are like "wow they make great sacrifices!"

But its not like that, you get in the centre of their world, and its really easy, nothing matters, nothing is hard!

The greatest value is not discipline, its passion, its love!

----------------------------------------------

Motorbikes 30 miles in the rain and cold. Its not sacrifice, its love, its completely worth it. That's love (:

----------------------------------------------

We always tell each other in the church "You have to read the Bible, you have to pray, you have to listen to God, and if you don't, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU"

But that shouldn't be the case! That's not the purpose of the gospel! Its about love!

----------------------------------------------

"You really have to ride your motorbike to see your girlfriend!"

"No no, anything but that!"

Lol.

----------------------------------------------

Kris doesn't do this for money! He doesn't do conferences for money! He doesn't need it! He hates planes, he hates travel, he hates flights, and the only reason why they do this is because they love us, they love people (:

Haha. Love (:

----------------------------------------------

I want to be so in love with Jesus that everything flows out naturally and I'm here because I love this guy and I like these people! (:

----------------------------------------------

Hebrews 11: 11-12!

Abraham vs Sarah.

----------------------------------------------

Men learn to save your marriages

"I, was wrong."

Maturity is learning to say "I was wrong" the moment you see it!

Not days later!

----------------------------------------------

Ladies learn to save your marriages

"I forgive you"

Don't tell us why you knew we were wrong! Its rubbing it in, we don't want to talk about it! It took us a long time to get here!

Lol.

----------------------------------------------

Love rewrites your history!

You think you have a terrible past, but God rewrites your story, and suddenly later everyone wants to be you!

Haha well.

Because He loves you. And when God loves you, your history looks like His.

----------------------------------------------

Oh my gosh Kris's grandfather loved him his whole life (:

----------------------------------------------

If Kris' grandfather, who never knew God, knew how to love Kris, how much more will your Father in heaven love you!

----------------------------------------------

You cannot exaggerate the love of God! The moment you ask it, or tell it, its bigger. Than you ever could think it was.

His love can be experienced, but not explained!

And if you knew that God loved you, you can never again doubt that your life has a purpose.

And whatever bad thing that has happened to you, He didn't do it.

He loves you too much.

<3

----------------------------------------------

SSM First Night!

SSM First Night!

----------------------------------------------------

When you accept Jesus you enter full-time ministry! You may be pretty bad at it but you're in it! --> Kris

----------------------------------------------------

When our theology moves towards our reality, it changes our destiny!

----------------------------------------------------

When we realise that our Father, really is God, like in charge of the universe, and he says we are royalty?

Whoa.

Dude. We're all royal.

God doesn't use little people! He doesn't have any!

----------------------------------------------------

The heavens still spin! God is still working!

----------------------------------------------------

Humans are the only creations made after God's image.

Don't ever talk bad or little about yourself because when you do that, you dishonor the Creator who made you!

You're amazing.

----------------------------------------------------

God gave us a sex drive!

That means we want to have sex with somebody!

But what happens is that in many churches we pretend it doesn't exist! We pretend that this isn't happening to our young people!

And we wonder why we're losing our young people.

----------------------------------------------------

So why does God give us a sex drive way before we're supposed to have sex!

"Far be it from me that I give to God something that cost me nothing." --> David.

God wants us to give our partner something that cost us a ton, blood, sweat and tears to keep!

So yeah (:

----------------------------------------------------

Luke 22:19! (Luke 22: 14-20)

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying 'This is my body which is given to you, do this is remembrance of me.'

----------------------------------------------------
Romans something

..........

Hebrews 9:16

Where a covenant is...
---------------------------------------------------

The Old Testament is an old covenant!

----------------------------------------------------

God created you because he likes you! If he didn't, He'd get rid of you a long time ago.

God had a world without you, and he didn't like it! That's why he created you! He likes you!

----------------------------------------------------

Moses vs People

Moses: God wants a relationship with you, People!

People: "God scares us, you tell us what God says, Moses, but don't let us talk to Him, lest we die :o

Rules vs Relationship! People chose rules! God gave them HUNDREDS OF RULES.

And its impossible to keep all those rules!

That's what the new covenant is for, to recreate the relationship with God! Jesus!

----------------------------------------------------

A covenant means: A promise made until death.

Its serious business.

You would use to cut an animal in half and walk through its blood to commit to that, in public. Signify that if someone breaks it, he has to die! A promise made unto death.

----------------------------------------------------

Now God made a covenant with his people, about rules! You wanna be righteous on your own? Keep all these rules.

But its not possible! So God wants to change the covenant. And to do that, He has to die! A covenant made unto death!

A new covenant makes the old obsolete!

Hebrews 8:10-13

It is fulfilled, it passes away!

----------------------------------------------------


Matt Chap 5:--> Jesus says, you have heard it, love your friends, hate your enemies! But I say now love your enemy, and pray for him!

Where the people hear to hate their enemies!

From God! God said go into Israel and kill everybody, don't let anyone get away!

Saul loses his kingship because he EXTENDED MERCY to a king that God did not extend mercy to!

Psl 129:31

Joshua 11: 20

David killed everyone who didn't love God!

----------------------------------------------------

There's a big difference between the old covenant and the new covenant!

David killed, showed no mercy, to people who did not know what they were doing!

Paul said show mercy to those who do not know what they were doing!

So did Stephen as he was dying! Show mercy!

There is a difference!

----------------------------------------------------

Plenty of people try to bring the old covenant into the new covenant! This is wrong!

Many people in America say that at 9/11, it was God judging America for sin!

Anytime something bad happens in America, people say its God judging America!

----------------------------------------------------

Mercy is not Justice!

Mercy does not feel good! Pastor Derek judging that A can go free for murder because A's father used to play golf with Pastor Derek, that's mercy!

But it won't feel good!

Now bring Jesus into it! Because Jesus is sinless, and does not deserve to die, when he dies for your sin, Justice is fulfilled!

When Jesus dies, Justice is fulfilled, and now God can release Mercy! Without being crooked!

See, God doesn't need to punish anyone anymore! He doesn't owe anybody anything! He can let anybody off that He wants to because His son died for Justice, now he can release Mercy!

God doesn't punish anyone nowadays for bad things! He doesn't have to! Don't make a misunderstanding of the new covenant!

----------------------------------------------------

Punishment is not the same as Discipline k. Discipline is in love.

----------------------------------------------------

Don't try to administer justice against people/for God! You are paying twice for what God has already done!

"America needs to be judged!" Well, so do you!

Shut up lol.

----------------------------------------------------

Jesus said to the Pharisees "

Violent men take the kingdom by force! The law said "stay out". The prophets say "You didn't keep all the laws, you can't come in!"

And Jesus took his cross as a Battering Ram and smashed our way in!

Trojan Hose of Jesus Christ! You are hidden in Christ! You snuck in through the grace of Jesus Christ!

And now that you're in, you think everyone else outside should be punished!

....
....

"America deserves judgement! And we need to change, or America is going to be judged by God!"

Blahblahblah materialism blahblahblah.

----------------------------------------------------

There's a difference between sowing and reaping and judgement!

"Its semantics"

Its not semantics.

Judgement means to condemn, to consider, to pass judgement, etc

Judgement means God makes you pay for what you did wrong!

Sowing and Reaping is the natural response of what you do! You make a decision, and you reap what you sow! It has nothing to do with God needing to actively punish you! You do it to yourself!

God is trying to get us to not reap what we sow! Thats called grace. He stood between our sowing and reaping, put up the wall of the cross, to keep us getting what we deserve!

----------------------------------------------------

Housing prices going up by 20%

Employee's wages are only going up by 3%

At some point, the employees will not have money to buy houses!

Banks make money when they sell money!

So instead of giving 80% loans, they give 90% loans!

And people only need to pay 10% of their house up front!

So people can buy their houses again which will be worth more money anyway, so the money comes back!

But the money doesn't flatten out, because people who sell houses, they want to make money! So they keep trying to sell higher, and higher!

So the bank needs money, so it gives 100% loans to sell money!

And people can buy houses again!

But people are not invested in their houses anymore! 0%!

And at some point people start giving their houses back to the bank!

This equals housing crisis.

Now if you were 20% invested in your house, you would hang onto your money, money you have earned through sweat and hard work!

But now that you're not, you're just like "I'll give the bank the house back."

Banks go bust, insurance companies go broke...

"Its the insurance companies' fault"

"Its the politicians' fault"

"Its George Bush's fault"

"Its God's fault"

That's not the judgement of God, that's the spirit of stupid!

No wonder people don't want to be Christians...

----------------------------------------------------

Isaiah 61:2 "The spirit of the Lord is upon me to...." His inauguration speech in the temple!

When Jesus proclaims the passage of Isaiah, he left out the second part of the sentence, which had to do with Vengeance!

Because Jesus didn't come to judge the world, he came to save it!

So if Jesus didn't come to judge the world, why are you?

Are you a prophet of the Old Testament, or the New?

The prophets of old did not have the blood of Jesus!

Why are we telling people we need a Saviour when we already have one!

----------------------------------------------------

The prophets didn't know about a Second Coming! They didn't know Jesus was going to come once as a Lamb and once as a Lion!

They thought Jesus was going to come and lay his Kingdom on earth at the very start!

And so very little Pharisees didn't accept Jesus as Saviour because He didn't fulfill ALL the requirements of the Scripture!

----------------------------------------------------

There is a difference between the Last Days and the Last Day!

The Last Days are called great and glorious! The Last Day is great and terrible.

Why terrible! Because its horrible if you're not a believer! You are Judged!

Acts Chapter 2 --> This last day is when the Sun turns dark and the Moon turns to blood!

Did you know that when Jesus died, the Sun turned dark and the Moon turned to blood!

----------------------------------------------------

Jesus was the exact reflection of the Father!

Like the Moon reflects the Sun!

And when the Sun turned dark, the Moon turns to blood! Omg Jesus died in blood.

And when that happened, the start of the Great and Glorious days arrived!

----------------------------------------------------

Mercy is not getting what you deserve. Grace is getting what you don't deserve!

Not only Jesus is not giving you what you deserve, He is giving you what you don't deserve!

Not only is God not punishing you, He is giving you a great reward without you doing anything! How? He hid you in Christ!

Acts 17:30

2 Peter 3:17 -->Day of Judgement!

Jude verse 6--> Judgement of the Great Day

1 John 4:17--> Confidence for the Day of Judgement!

----------------------------------------------------

If you start trying to judge people for what they deserve, you are trying to pull the Judgement Day into the great and glorious days!

And it is said that no mercy is to be given to those who shows no mercy.

And anytime you call for people to be judged, you are transported back to the old country where you're still a fugitive!

New Creation! Old has passed away, new as coming! Next Verse!--> Not counting their trespasses against them. --> Next Verse --> Ministry of reconciliation! --> Not counting their trespasses against them!

What is the Spirit of Elijah! What does Malachi say about it! In the new covenant, restoring the hearts of sons to fathers. Reconciling families!

If you moved the prophets in the old testament to the new testament, they would know they have a new job! From judging kings to reconciling families!

They have a new job description!

----------------------------------------------------

What about Ananias and Saphira! God killed them for lying!

But are we dead for lying, in the church, every day? No!

If you show me repeated instances of this happening, but it was a one off!

If God wants to bring A & S home early because they are polluting the church, sure, He can do what He wants!

But he doesn't need to do it to fulfill judgement! He already settled that!

And look who they were talking to just before they died! Peter, the most famous liar in the Bible!

That's God's sense of humour.

And Peter lied before he was even saved lol. A & S died after they were saved. Big difference.

Haha well

God is good (:

Q: God, how can I possibly make you change your mind by petitioning, like Abraham and Moses and Mary did? And if I can make you change your mind, what about your perfect plan and perfect will? Isn't that a contradiction?

A: My son, I do have a perfect plan. My perfect plan involves you interceding and changing my mind. I love you, and I'm cheering you on. I want you to intercede, to change my mind! That means you are ultimately following my will. I love you, I want you to drive.

:D

---------------------------------------

Wow. That's one of the biggest answers to one of the biggest questions I've had all conference. I just simply asked God for that (: Also, coming from the book Unlocking Heaven by Kevin Dedmon, page 28,29

The answer to my question: Do I need to ask God's will over whoever I pray for? Like "God do you want Jason to be healed? Kathy? Your will be done!"

And the book clarified that it would not have been possible for Jesus to do that. The lady with the cloak. Jesus could not have possibly asked God first before it happened. Peter's shadow.

Also, the clarification that God is always healing, and wants to heal. Always. And its just up to us to release it. God doesn't go "I'll heal you, and you, and you, but ....not you"

HAHA! (:

So yes I don't have to ask first. Just go. You know what, I'm going to write down these questions and thank Kevin for supplying the answers through his book, it really is God moving. Yay. Haha. I'll still going to ask him about how to break the language barrier though! Or comment on it. Its soooo irritating when people speak only Chinese or worse, dialect. Haha. We really encountered problems with that over the past few days.

Random: I really love Tina. :D

Its so amazing how much she's grown over the past week! She is so different from the person I met on Good Friday! Completely and totally transformed. WOW! (: You are good, God.

About time I started journaling again. Hahahah yeah thank you Dad by your grace (:

So. Today was interesting, but very cool.I didn't heal anyone. And we met a few people, but nothing like the magnitude of yesterday, where we just went all out in joy and love and spam blessed love encountered healed people and everything!

On that note encountering God yesterday was so awesome. Gifts. Destinies. Encouragements. I'm going to Australia!!!!

:D

Awesome. So my heart's desire. Thank you GOD (:

AND AND today Nick the Bethel Intern came up to me and greatly encouraged me in the area of dance hiphop worship! Yay! I so needed to hear everything he said, he was so much sent from God! Telling me to just go for it, don't restrain anything, just turn it into something really cool, God loves it, and it can be used for intercession! YEAH! (:

Cause I've always had two problems before, though lately and especially this week I've been trying to bring it out more in worship but not really daring or knowing how:

1. I'm not sure if some stuff is allowed. Like intense butt-grooving stuff, what I'm good at...
2. I don't think I'm really good.

But today the whole creative session SO encouraged me, and now I know that whatever I express to God creatively is good! I don't have to worry about it being "perfect", I break that attitude off, because whatever God creates is good and we are made in His image :D

YAYYY. Tmr worship so looking forward to it. Hah. I went over to the Malaysian dudes Jarod and Michael and told them the same thing, will be dragging them to the floor tmr and wow watch out God this is for you :D


Haha. ANYWAY, Treasure Hunt today at Anchorpoint. I was tired. A bit sian. And vaguely annoyed with Gideon. And I was starting to strive! Which is bad. So I was just trying to enter into a position of rest in God again, yeah, and spent the rest of the day dwelling in it. Yeah (:

And God spoke to me while I had Angie's iPod playing in my ears, seeking Him in Subway. And seeking His love. Because ministry is supposed to be spillover love! I can't help but leak it.

And I was far from it so I knew I had to come back into God first before I could even do anything...

Then, God spoke to me, encountered me and told me He really loved me. And because He did, things to show His love for me, not just words, were coming my way. Gifts, people, blessings, tangible things, the way someone who genuinely loved someone would do, not just words. Yeah(:

And He understood the person that I am, and that I needed constant replenishment of love, not just memories, and maybe a bit more attention lavished on than other people, cause I have greater emotional needs, and He was so prepared to give me all of that. :D

And then He gave me a new name. Because honestly speaking, the name "Keann" was born out of a need to "act cool". To be cool, and liked by people. And while it has now turned into the name that symbolises the part when my life turned around and I was so blessed socially, and had so much fun, and so much more to life, and everything, and love, and so it is everything positive, God wants to give me a name with greater meaning.

Now "Qi En" means revealing grace, and so a great Christian name as well, but because it was in a period of my life where I endured so much hurt and pain and rejection and neglect, I associate it badly. I don't want to be called by it ever.

I mean, I'm sure "Saul" was a good name too, you know! But Paul needed to start over with a clean slate, and God gave him that with his name.

(:

And now I am "John". Because I am the disciple whom Jesus Loved. And it exemplifies the person that I am, how much more love and attention I might need from God than most people, and how He is so prepared to give me that.

Actually also from Tuesday I have "Samuel". When Theresa Dedmon prophetically anointed me with the words "Young Samuel". Yeah young Samuel, the young enthusiastic set apart for God boy that heard God's voice. Who grew up to be the fiery authoritative prophet that travelled all over the Promised Land, anointing David and Saul, and living in exciting and great times.

Wooooooo. :D

Haha. I shall need to study the stories and meaning of "Samuel" more, and "John", in order to fully take on their mantles and impartations. But yeah. Rawr. I take and receive what I understand now. Haha. YAY.

Thank you God! [:


So anyway, I rested today. Just kept right on resting. Dwelling in God's love. Haha. I mean, despite me having gotten all the treasure hunt clues for Holland V, I don't actually have to go there! God still loves me, I don't have to do it to fulfill anything or to seek approval. Everything has already been done, it is finished. This is just meant to be an outpouring of love, and how can I do that if I don't feel loved, and am not secure in it!

I mean to bear real fruit, not artificial man-made fruit from striving. :D


And because of that, now I have a greater understanding of rest! Yay. Haha. Thank you Dad! And Jesus and Holy Spirit. Raahhhhh. Hahahahah (:


Oh man I really need to set aside a time for journalling. Haha. Time is set back now and I gotta figure out the cell plan for Hearing God's Voice, in light of SSM teaching, and pray for it, do Medlaw? Yishe those questions scare me ><

Haha oh God. I love You. Yeah (:

YAY I JOURNALLED. (:

Oh charr

Fearless

--------------------------

----------

There's something about the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There’s a glow off the pavement
You walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah

We're driving down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly making me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why when with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless


------------------------------------

So here we are. And I hardly know you but I've realised that in the past three years and with all the people I've met and hugged and said hi and loved and jumped around crazily with and worked and teared and stayed up and stayed out and stuck with and defended and wrote to and danced with and all the other amazingly wonderful things i've done with everyone that has made school and life the best I could be lucky to have-

No one compares to you.

You're not spectacular. We hardly do anything together. We don't talk, we say hi bye, we lead our separate lives, but I keep coming back to this point and saying

I've never met anyone like you

I'd never do that to you, of course. Never ever, not in a million years. I love you enough to not drop that emotional bombshell on you.

But god I love you.

And that's why I'm okay with letting you go.

I've lived my whole life since meeting you not being with you, I can do that a few years more, I can do that a few years forever, the world I've built around me won't come crashing down with the loss of you.

But it would be nice.

My life doesn't know your life. Your friends don't know my friends, we live and eat and sleep and travel to entirely different places and social circles at different times and you knock yourself out silly trying to get an education besides all the other wonderful things you do and I do the same over here trying to be with everybody at once and hold everything together, academics not withstanding.

I'm perfectly happy over here running from crazy project to crazy project with nutter friends and juniors that make my heart melt and church in between, managing slipshod finances, guitar and dance, sneaking a starbucks, dreaming about clothes and shoes and beaches and scribbling little thoughts on scraps of paper.

There's no time in my life for you, not with everybody else I'm hard-pressed to hang out with already, Josh, Keenan, Adin, Pris, Shery,Sarah and everyone else I'm not going to say here before you're the only person not on the list, life is wonderful trying to scramble from breathtaking individual to wonderful soul.

But god I'd like to try.

And your life is largely as crazy and nutters and drive-anyone-else-up-the-wall as mine, except I don't think you'd like to try.


And so we have nothing.

This is silly.

Bummer.But its all good. Later, beautiful person.



Keann exits stage left

Ministry

What is ministry, exactly?

Is it a term for anything we use for anything related to official Christian church work? Is it serving and meeting the needs of people? Is it different from evangelism, or does one come under another? What is its scope? Where should it be done, how should it be done? What is ministry, that term we're so accustomed to in Christian "lingo", that seems to us to be another name for "work", just nicer and about helping people?
Can it be done by anyone? Where does "being a friend" end and "ministering" begin? What is it about, how can it be defined, baking cookies, writing notes, dancing and singing? Praying? Is it from God or for God? Or for people's needs? Worhip ministry, prayer ministry, ushing min. What does "ministering to God" mean, then?

What is ministry, exactly?

Do many of us even know, even those of us in 'ministries ourselves?

Cause it occurs for me that if it is to be my job and calling, I should probably figure out and learn what it is. I don't think it means "a job". It must be more, it must be deeper, but deeper in which way and where does it stem from and how does it work, really, exactly?

I'm gonna grab a nap and then maybe figure this out later. Goodnight. Haha.

Feel free to post your thoughts on the subject (:
--------------------------

--------------------------

sleep

---------------------------------------------------

EPM journal results in epiphany, thank you God lol

1. A situation in your work or personal life that frustrates you and that you tend to respond to reactively like a 'guest'

2. Working within your Circle of Influence, write one or more actions you will take to have the greatest impact on this situation. How can you become a good 'host'?


Ugh. I can think of it straightaway already. Me and my family. Specifically me and my parents. Yeah. I seem to be great and levelheaded and everything everywhere else, but here. Because everywhere else I am in control, people understand me, see me for who I am, and can’t get away with being self-righteous bigots. You can only get away with something like that at home, where you are the masters of the house and no one is around to see the bad situations and say “stop”, except your kids, and what do they know, they are supposed to shut up and respect you anyway, right?

So yeah. I can even take criticism everywhere else. Handle it. Be diplomatic about it. Be humble, be teachable. But at home all I can seem to do is blow up or isolate myself.

See, its not a safe place here. Its not where I am comfortable, it is not where I am safe, it is a house but not a home, least not until everyone goes out. Less so for my siblings, but with siblings come parents.

Nothing here is under my control really. None of my possession are not fair game to parents who “gave you everything you own anyway”. Privacy has no say here, I didn’t pay for the house. Anything like that. Clothes I have bought that they don’t like have been thrown away before and I don’t try again.

Is it any surprise that I can only react reactively like a guest here. Gee. Hotel guests are treated better than I am. Sigh. I need my own place.

Errrrr? I don’t think so. Haha. I can handle people, things, especially people, rather well. Except here at home. People respect me and love and treasure me, but here my parents don’t see that. They see a disappointment that is eating money. Sooooo circle of influence really really small. Like miniscule. And I don’t trust them enough, and we disagree on enough things that we are unable to have a civil conversation. It’s a Cold War in here, there’s a reason why I don’t eat family dinners. Yes, me refusing to do that surely contributes to the bad situation, but dude. You hurt me. You chase after me. You come make me feel better, not the other way round.

I could try to do the host thing, maybe. But it hurts too much to want to.
I just want to get out of here. Its my friends, that keep me alive. Besides God of course. He is awesome and I would not have survived physically, emotionall or mentally to this day without Him. Not that my parents understand that either….

But hey. Haha. Idk. I could pray. Actually yeah. That would have the greatest impact. I just have to want to. Let’s see. Cause of me in this situation, honestly, I can do nothing of my own.

But that’s where God comes in, I suppose (:

Thank you God (:

Reflection

I think I really need to remember God, when I turn to You, its not "me picking myself up again".

That's arrogant, and not true. Me turning to You is not "me being strong", or me "being wise", or me "making a choice to turn to You". I mean yes it is a choice, but it isn't about me being great, or being all alone again and having to "pick myself up".

It isn't! God! I'm sorry.

You came looking for me, you still come looking for me, and if you're not looking for me I'd never would have found you. And never will.

So I guess God, thank you for picking up the phone and waiting for hours on end while I open up, while I realise this.

Haha well. Thank you.

And help remove the arrogance, watch it, check it, burn it, because its keeping me from experiencing the true intensity and level of your comfort. I'm sorry God. Help me humble myself before you. "You" are not a "self-help book". Its not a bad thing when I have nobody else to turn to but You.

And its the silliest possibly thing to beat myself up over. Who needs anyone else, you're my mentor, you're my comforter, and even if there were others to do so, they couldn't compare to you anyway(:

Hahahaha. Gosh. Take away that pride that says "Huh I have to turn to God agaaaaaaiiiin."

Well. That's possibly and probably really, really silly.

Wtheck. Yeah, and it keeps me from truely experiencing the level of love and comfort and healing you have for me right outside my door.

Pride has no place in this. Gtfo. Here I am God, I'm opening the door. Yay (:

This note I can post on facebook.

:D

Time to claim your promises, God (:

/grabs headphones and guitar

Put them headphones on

I'm hurting. Hard. I'm trying not to, but its still here/there/everywhere.

Why God. I mean, I get it, and I think I get the reasons why, but why ):

I don't need this. Sure I'll get outside classes, because dance is what I crazy love and want to do, but from dance three times a week for hours to outside classes an hour a week for 15 bucks?

This blows. It really does. I'm so happy for cherie, and josh, and charmaine and everyone that is in dance, but this sucks


Gaaaah God ):


I want more sad songs.

Well this is one note i'm pretty definitely sure I'm not posting on fb...

Idk. Its embarrassing. To want something everyone thinks I already can do, or thinks I should do, and then fail it after trying too late.

And then those around me who are in those things will feel bad.

Idk. Sucks. Who comforts the comforters?

I'd love to cry but my brother is in the room and my family's in the house.

And out there there are a million people that I have to be strong for. Cheer up. Comfort. Be there. Calls. Bus rides home. Dinners. Letters, cakes, presents, prayers.

I don't know. I'm tearing up. I'm not that strong. I'm not that happy. I go through a million doubts and comparisons about how I'm not good enough, for radio, for journ, for dance, and lets not get started on music.

I'm really happy for my talented friends. I really am. But what the hell am i to do about myself.

I'm not that strong God. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even hearing you right anymore. I trust you but I don't trust me.

Fuck, I'll probably end up posting this up after all. Some kind of psycho complex I have about maybe people suffering in silence drawing strength from my struggles.

Gee. But I don't have a solution. Whats going to happen after this? I'll probably talk to God. Rest, dwell in him. Go to church. Smile. Genuinely. Life is good there, a system not based on merit or how good you are, how talented, how riveting or possibly funny or efficient or a beautiful writer. There is love all the same.

I don't know. Its hilariously funny how I can be at other people's problems at a shot, and listening patiently for hours on end even if she says just two words during that time. People share, people open up, I love listening, and I'm grateful that they trust me so to open up to me, and I thank God that He's sent me there to certain people, more than once, at least maybe its something I can do right.

Backtrack. The hilariously funny bit is that I can hardly open up to people myself. La is always there, I'm sure, and friends are around, but I can't. And its hard for me to say that I can't open up to people myself.

I'm not even sure what the point of all this was. I started this talking about dance.

I guess somehow, I wish someone would shower the same kind of love and attention that I'm willing to shower on someone that I'm comforting, or trying to be a friend to.

Asking for it however, completely defeats the person. But I kinda know how I'd like to be treated, that's how I know what to do around people.

But it never comes.

Which is retarded in a way lah, because we're all different people and we all do things differently. But yeah. God. I know you're there, and I thank you for it, but sometimes I'm just so tired of falling, looking at You, being strong, comforting others, falling at some point again, and having to look at you again.

You're great, but i wish there was a human, some human out there. Someone I could trust. Someone who'd be willing to throw all her time at me, someone that I can be with and be the little scared immature kid I still am deep on the inside, without having to watch myself to take care of my friends, etc.

I want the phone to ring, and a voice come out saying "Hey, how are you." And spend hours on end just waiting for me to open up, the way I'm willing and sometimes do for those around me.

Not that I'd ever say any of this out loud, huh. Attention seeking.And looks stupid. And asking for it completely defeats the purpose, again.

Ahhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


God, who will be my nanny? Haha sigh shucks.

But you know what. I'm praising, i'm worshipping you anyway. I do. I want to(: And whatever my problems are I guess they'll all fade away in the moment of You.

You deserve it anyway. And I'm happy to, because I love you. No matter what I feel on the inside. I might jump a little less, feel exhausted a bit more, but I will stand when I am called.

I'm here, I guess. Love you Jesus Christ (:


Weeeeeeeeeeeeellll.

Dance ):