EPM journal results in epiphany, thank you God lol

1. A situation in your work or personal life that frustrates you and that you tend to respond to reactively like a 'guest'

2. Working within your Circle of Influence, write one or more actions you will take to have the greatest impact on this situation. How can you become a good 'host'?


Ugh. I can think of it straightaway already. Me and my family. Specifically me and my parents. Yeah. I seem to be great and levelheaded and everything everywhere else, but here. Because everywhere else I am in control, people understand me, see me for who I am, and can’t get away with being self-righteous bigots. You can only get away with something like that at home, where you are the masters of the house and no one is around to see the bad situations and say “stop”, except your kids, and what do they know, they are supposed to shut up and respect you anyway, right?

So yeah. I can even take criticism everywhere else. Handle it. Be diplomatic about it. Be humble, be teachable. But at home all I can seem to do is blow up or isolate myself.

See, its not a safe place here. Its not where I am comfortable, it is not where I am safe, it is a house but not a home, least not until everyone goes out. Less so for my siblings, but with siblings come parents.

Nothing here is under my control really. None of my possession are not fair game to parents who “gave you everything you own anyway”. Privacy has no say here, I didn’t pay for the house. Anything like that. Clothes I have bought that they don’t like have been thrown away before and I don’t try again.

Is it any surprise that I can only react reactively like a guest here. Gee. Hotel guests are treated better than I am. Sigh. I need my own place.

Errrrr? I don’t think so. Haha. I can handle people, things, especially people, rather well. Except here at home. People respect me and love and treasure me, but here my parents don’t see that. They see a disappointment that is eating money. Sooooo circle of influence really really small. Like miniscule. And I don’t trust them enough, and we disagree on enough things that we are unable to have a civil conversation. It’s a Cold War in here, there’s a reason why I don’t eat family dinners. Yes, me refusing to do that surely contributes to the bad situation, but dude. You hurt me. You chase after me. You come make me feel better, not the other way round.

I could try to do the host thing, maybe. But it hurts too much to want to.
I just want to get out of here. Its my friends, that keep me alive. Besides God of course. He is awesome and I would not have survived physically, emotionall or mentally to this day without Him. Not that my parents understand that either….

But hey. Haha. Idk. I could pray. Actually yeah. That would have the greatest impact. I just have to want to. Let’s see. Cause of me in this situation, honestly, I can do nothing of my own.

But that’s where God comes in, I suppose (:

Thank you God (: