Put them headphones on

I'm hurting. Hard. I'm trying not to, but its still here/there/everywhere.

Why God. I mean, I get it, and I think I get the reasons why, but why ):

I don't need this. Sure I'll get outside classes, because dance is what I crazy love and want to do, but from dance three times a week for hours to outside classes an hour a week for 15 bucks?

This blows. It really does. I'm so happy for cherie, and josh, and charmaine and everyone that is in dance, but this sucks


Gaaaah God ):


I want more sad songs.

Well this is one note i'm pretty definitely sure I'm not posting on fb...

Idk. Its embarrassing. To want something everyone thinks I already can do, or thinks I should do, and then fail it after trying too late.

And then those around me who are in those things will feel bad.

Idk. Sucks. Who comforts the comforters?

I'd love to cry but my brother is in the room and my family's in the house.

And out there there are a million people that I have to be strong for. Cheer up. Comfort. Be there. Calls. Bus rides home. Dinners. Letters, cakes, presents, prayers.

I don't know. I'm tearing up. I'm not that strong. I'm not that happy. I go through a million doubts and comparisons about how I'm not good enough, for radio, for journ, for dance, and lets not get started on music.

I'm really happy for my talented friends. I really am. But what the hell am i to do about myself.

I'm not that strong God. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even hearing you right anymore. I trust you but I don't trust me.

Fuck, I'll probably end up posting this up after all. Some kind of psycho complex I have about maybe people suffering in silence drawing strength from my struggles.

Gee. But I don't have a solution. Whats going to happen after this? I'll probably talk to God. Rest, dwell in him. Go to church. Smile. Genuinely. Life is good there, a system not based on merit or how good you are, how talented, how riveting or possibly funny or efficient or a beautiful writer. There is love all the same.

I don't know. Its hilariously funny how I can be at other people's problems at a shot, and listening patiently for hours on end even if she says just two words during that time. People share, people open up, I love listening, and I'm grateful that they trust me so to open up to me, and I thank God that He's sent me there to certain people, more than once, at least maybe its something I can do right.

Backtrack. The hilariously funny bit is that I can hardly open up to people myself. La is always there, I'm sure, and friends are around, but I can't. And its hard for me to say that I can't open up to people myself.

I'm not even sure what the point of all this was. I started this talking about dance.

I guess somehow, I wish someone would shower the same kind of love and attention that I'm willing to shower on someone that I'm comforting, or trying to be a friend to.

Asking for it however, completely defeats the person. But I kinda know how I'd like to be treated, that's how I know what to do around people.

But it never comes.

Which is retarded in a way lah, because we're all different people and we all do things differently. But yeah. God. I know you're there, and I thank you for it, but sometimes I'm just so tired of falling, looking at You, being strong, comforting others, falling at some point again, and having to look at you again.

You're great, but i wish there was a human, some human out there. Someone I could trust. Someone who'd be willing to throw all her time at me, someone that I can be with and be the little scared immature kid I still am deep on the inside, without having to watch myself to take care of my friends, etc.

I want the phone to ring, and a voice come out saying "Hey, how are you." And spend hours on end just waiting for me to open up, the way I'm willing and sometimes do for those around me.

Not that I'd ever say any of this out loud, huh. Attention seeking.And looks stupid. And asking for it completely defeats the purpose, again.

Ahhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


God, who will be my nanny? Haha sigh shucks.

But you know what. I'm praising, i'm worshipping you anyway. I do. I want to(: And whatever my problems are I guess they'll all fade away in the moment of You.

You deserve it anyway. And I'm happy to, because I love you. No matter what I feel on the inside. I might jump a little less, feel exhausted a bit more, but I will stand when I am called.

I'm here, I guess. Love you Jesus Christ (:


Weeeeeeeeeeeeellll.

Dance ):