Friday, National Day Breakthrough

Still in productive mode! I will be. Haha.

Lets talk about Friday, Day Of His Power.

I really learned something about being a citizen of Singapore that day. It felt like a real breakthrough, a problem I didn't even realise I had, but rather was proud of my "inclinations".

They were speaking about giving thanks for the nation, and living to really have a heart to love our country, for real, because if not, we will never be able to pray for Singapore in the right spirit!

And I so totally agree. See, over the years, I've always prided myself as not being "of here". I've been ashamed to be Asian. I've been ashamed of my culture, i've always wanted to be Western. It always made so much more sense to me. I've appreciated Singapore tons, over the years, but I've always seen myself as belonging to the "ang moh" cliques. Singaporeans small and shortsighted. Little bubble. Conniving and grasping and silly notions of respect that is entirely dependent on rank, not capability.

There have been reasons for it. Me hating most of how my parents have treated me. River Valley. Resentment, blaming the culture for all the crap I went through. Escaping to my Western Identity, American, then Australian, because they had life philosophies I agreed with so much more. Being open, unafraid of shame, etc. Forward, all of that.

Staying away from my Chinese identity. Never liking or really understanding even Chinese New Year. Not liking relatives. Never being good at Chinese anyway, so why bother. Deny it to support my self-identity.

I've always been looking towards getting out. Thinking I'm meant for "something more". That I'm "better than this". But all of these....

Pastor Charissa and me once had a random conversation that stuck in my head. About how I hated my Asian heritage, Chinese etc, and she said"If you don't accept where you come from, you can't get to where you're going".

And I've not been willing to. It hurts too much. I've been too stubborn to say my views over the years have been wrong. I've hung out, and built a community around myself, where because I am "Western", I am cool.

And "cheenah" is bad. And on top of that, the whole "loving nation" thing not being cool. Not that I have any issues with Singapore itself, I know what a frigging great job they've done over the years, its nuts. But it has never been "cool" in Singapore to be patriotic, but seen more as a "government hugging nut", and so I've not been, appreciating, but always having the thought process stop there!

Even though I actually really love singing some of the songs, I have not been letting myself. Not wanted to be "uncool".


I am repenting of that. Haha. God really hit me at DOHP. And I realised that until I love my country, yes, I cannot pray for it in the right spirit! Because I have no ownership of it.

And I will. I do love my country. And its not healthy to run away from my heritage. I just need to step out now and unabashedly say that yes I think Singapore is pretty awesome. Its time to make it "cool" to be so. I get it now.

So, Singapore (:


Hahahahha. I like my country. I love my country. and if you don't you're not cool, not me. Lol. Hmm.

So really needed to hear that, that day. Rawr. But now....the question arises.

How do I love two countries at once? I still believe that I am called to Australia. Its just now that I don't have a resentment for Singapore anymore. But how do we work that out.....

Like, now I have to sink roots into here and love it unabashedly knowing that I have to leave. Haha.

Interesting. But I think, like Pastor Charissa said, until I accept where I come from, I cannot go where I'm going (:

So this is a on the way process for me in Australia. Learning that it doesn't mean leaving Singapore behind without thought. I can see how that'd work out.


So. Time to love my nation. Whether its cool or not. Its right. Haha. Alrightyyyy (:

As for the faults and hurts I've suffered, I'm learning that these might not be because of culture, but more of people. Let's not blame culture for faults of people, because what happens when you go to a different culture and find the same problems! Then you have egg in your face. Haha.

Okay.

I love Singapore (:

This is a new thing. Time to get used to it. Haha. Enthusiasm!