Finally, a big long real entry (:

Hey Daddy,

I thank you. I thank you for so much, for the things that happened today, and during the week, for the things that I know about and even the things that I don't know about. I'm very aware that as I had been praying, desperately, even though I kept getting distracted, and sinning too, you still came/am still coming through for me. I'm not quite sure how you did it, but somehow things have shifted and deadlines seem more manageable somehow, once I managed to get past the NDP story. Wow. That was horrible. Haha. But I thank you for that blessing, it really was a huge exercise in staying focused. Time and time again, especially last night, I realised that if I don't get anything in the first five minutes, running away and doing something else really isn't the smart thing to do. Stick with it, hold with it, even though its frustrating and painful, and something will come out eventually. A huge exercise in persistence, in creative work, where the answer, unlike math, can't be found by google or by asking other people. Its things you have to create and that's it.

Wow. Thank you. Remember how for the past two days I kept finding myself in the same situation? Desperate during the day, getting distracted at night, growing complacent, panicking again in dead night, and suffering because of it. And feeling like I was the worst worker in the world, terrified of letting myself and everyone else down.

And the fear. And not seeing how I could get past those circumstances simply because of my inability to knuckle down. Staying happy about my circumstances was one thing that by your grace i could do, but getting down to changing those circumstances was another.

This whole episode has been a huge lesson about persistence and just knuckling down, and I am stronger for it. Tired, yes, but stronger.

I thank you that I've started journaling again, like now. I thank you for drilling in my head through that talk with Josh to not let my emotions or my circumstances control me. I can't not do good work because "I don't feel like it". I can't not do work because "the place isn't right". Or "I'm hungry", or "I need this music to be playing, "i need to feel like a genius, "I need the library or a new location. I am in control of my circumstances, because I am your child and I have control. My circumstances don't have control of me, I'm a world changer, and I can do my work even if my father is yelling in my ear.

Within moderation of course, I should do outward things if they help me too, but not the point where I keep trying to find the "perfect formula" and end up not doing anything because I get distracted while doing that.

I am in control of my circumstances. Rawr.

I thank you for me being broke too, God. Haha. Is this a fast? I don't think so. I have banned myself from Facebook, and I'm too broke to eat, and I cherish what I have, but I don't feel like this is a fast. All those things were for me, not really for you, but they have shown me so much. Being broke has shown me that I CAN survive on a shoestring, by due fact that I have been doing so for two weeks. That I CAN endure hunger, and don't have to indulge every little taste. That I CAN be wise, going home for dinner, packing little things, and of course depending on your grace (:

Like friends deciding to pay for me even though I don't ask. And today. Wow. Was hungry. Was going to endure. Talked to you about it. And suddenly there was a full buffet of free food in front of me. God, You're amazing!

Wow. I am in awe. And I can only pray that this sticks, not like after I get all my money again, I go back to splurging. There are better things to spend/save my money on, I know! I hope this frugality sticks.

Also, this discipline. That half sermon I listened to about us being in greatest danger to fall after our greatest victories. Me being desperate enough to ban facebook. Realising that yes, I don't need to stay connected to the world, and really need to turn everything off to do my work sometimes. You showing and guiding me through all of that. The album, the songs you have blessed me with. Wow. I pray that you give me a new charger, God. And help the discipline stick. Help me exercise the gift of self-control to DO things, not just to keep out of bad things.
Its not about being old and boring, its about growing more mature and more like Christ! What I feel is better doesn't matter, as long my heart is for you.

Wow, thank you for nuking my itunes, God. Haha. I love and cherish my songs so much more now. Thank you. I would have never discovered many of these songs I have, even though they lay there in my hard drive, and never developed a personal music identity with these things. Hah. Thank you, for teaching me all these things and all these lessons in the absence of an earthly father to teach me. Wow. I feel loved and at peace.

I learnt another lesson over the past few days as well. Something I've vaguely known for a time but shall make concrete now. You know how when we're desperate we - at least I - always want to turn to You? But there seems like there's no time to, work and everything and exhaustion piling up and all? But I'll develop a dependant relationship with you anyway, and looking forward to getting out of the mudpile, to do all these things like worship you and pray and journal and spend time with, things i wished I had time to do while in crisis. But once I'm out of it, I forget, get complacent, and start wasting my free time now on stupid things, instead of all the things I wanted to do. Which don't benefit me at all!

So now, lets try to set this in stone. To do my quiet time and journal, and worship and read your Bible, and other books and other things when I do have free time, out of the knowledge that time is precious and that when I have very little of it, I will really want to do these things, and these are great opportunities I'm missing. To remember when I've been starved of time and of time with God, to remind myself to feed my time with God when I have time available.

To remember situations when I would have given everything I own just to have time to worship or pray more in dire situations. Help me to remind those experiences, to remember that time is precious, and now that I have it, lets not take it for granted. Do things with God. With the spirit of self-control. I'm not controlled by my emotions! I am in control of them and of my circumstances!

Not that I can't do other things, but the crunch times really show what I really crave when you strip me bare, not movies or games as much as time with God.

Which was how I was created anyway.

Ohmygosh. I just realised that the song that I'm listening to, Follow Through, a love song by Gavin Degraw talking about how if someone he really loves really wants to be with him, she really needs to get serious and follow through, since she really wants to be with him, with everything she says. And he does love her totally whole-heartedly back, but she has to stick around or nothing will happen.

And God is just speaking to me now, like He's Gavin Degraw singing that song to me, someone He loves, someone that needs to follow through.

"This is the start of something good, don't you agree."

So I'm just going to sit here and listen to that song, once more, taking it as words from God to me, a love song from him to me.

Who says God can't speak through secular things and songs? You "just gotta open your eyes, and ears, and pay attention to everything around you!"

HAHA (:

"And you are my son John, the disciple I loved, because I know you need more love than most people, and I am willing to provide that love, so watch out for it, its going to come in lots of different ways, from people, from circumstances, music, and random things. Watch out for it."

(: