Facebook Archive 5 Jan 2009

This Time Next Year, a school heart soul body mind for God

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Monday, January 5, 2009 at 5:58pm | Edit Note | Delete

Here we go here we go here we go.

God, i'm been thinking and praying about this all the way back and this is what i've gotten from you so far:

If I undertake this project, I will be challenged so so much. I'm going to cry a lot, gonna fall a lot, my grades will probably suffer because of this, and the soul-searching i'll have to do while this whole thing is going on is going to be huge and painful. Trying not to take charge. Trying not to judge. Massaging egos, especially mine. Being humble. Watching the parts of me that are prideful and want attention and everything be called out by people to be burned away. And much more that I can't remember. But it won't be easy, and it won't be easy for my friends as I ask them for help.


But. This. Is. For. You. And after much praying and searching and wondering if I want this thing more for me or more for you, more for my own personal need to be edified and to be seen as effective and useful and doing something great, more for my own need to be seen doing something important, more for my own need to not be a failure, more for self-praise and attention and congratulation and respect and recognition, more for it being exciting, or whatnot.

Or simply for you. And simply taking the school for you. And creating a place of worship in this school, a huge one, to thumb our noses at the devil and say this is a school for God and we're damn well going to worship here as we please.

And reaching out. Reaching out to those who aren't saved. But i think this is more of making a statement, that we are here, more than conquerors, and look what we can do empowered by God for God.

Your direction Lord, not mine. I have yet to settle on a direction for this thing, it needs much more prayer, and more than just mine, those of the people i bring into this and we decide together what You are saying to us.

Humility. I am not the most humble person under the best of circumstances, but do help me Lord, to not be falsely humble, to be glad in the stuff that I have and to be glad in the talents of others. And to know after all that really, I don't know much at all and to be open to teaching and experience and other perspectives!


I'm sure by now you must be wondering what the hell is all this about, and why you are tagged here:

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I have a dream that this time next year, 2010 (yikes), that the Convention Centre in Ngee Ann Poly, at least once, will be overrun by God's people in a concert of worship. A convention, of sorts. Very limited by space, yes, but I want it (my wants?) wall to wall packed with people coming all over to worship God in our school.

Hell, I want to bring in Hillsong. (Again, my wants? But I don't see how we'll be able to fill the halls with people coming from all over Singapore without having a big name about it, to smooth ruffled feathers)

(Lord if you mean for it to be a smaller event and for different reasons other than making a statement and taking the school please do tell me and send people to tell me that.)


Anyway, i see Hillsong or something taking the stage as we worship. A-

Okay I'm not really sure how this is going to work cause we can't jump if everyone's seated on the seats, and if we clear the rows leaving the floor then people can't really see very well!


And the problem with a big scale event vs a small scale event is that a small scale event is yeah well, too small for the convention centre and a really big scale event would be way too big for the limitations of our hall.

Finding a middle ground is v, v hard.


I'm sure God will make a way though, if he intends for it to happen. The issue now is that I do feel Him saying "Go for it", but I'm worried if its just me, or I'm hearing it wrongly. Which is why I would like other people praying for it with me as well, and that is why you are tagged here.!


Schemantics wise, its not that hard. We've had on-fire people brought to us that are readily equipped for the handling of details for such a thing, people familiar with lights, sound, stageworks, people moving, school booking details, mc-eeing, making videos, everything.

Yeah. Can you see it (:



One of the things that I got from God while praying on the way home was that my current role in this thing was to get people excited for it. Spread the word about the Word. Yeah. Not logistics, or program, or worrying about detail, but getting people excited about this concert for God in school.


Epic, huge, wall to wall, Christians and backslided Christians and non-christians getting drawn to the school thing because they are in our school and maybe they've heard this is going to be really exciting (e.g. Hillsong flying in), and leaving transformed and shaken by God's word, which they may or may not have planned to happen.

Yeah. The centre and heart of our school pounding not to Hip-hop, or whatever, but the name of Jesus. Students and hiding christians standing up to be recognized and meeting each other and maybe doing something great after that.

Its a statement, its a starting point, its a catalyst, not just for Ngee Ann but for youth across Singapore and in schools across our island. Its nuts, crazy, epic, may be not such a good idea, but if God wills it will work. What do you think?



Share this with whoever you think might catch the vision! :o And if it is foolhardy please let me know ahaaha:/

I release this in faith. Lets see what happens.

I can't believe I can't think of more people to tag this to. I can think of a few, Sharyl, Josh, Cerise, etc, but I don't have them on my facebook! Ahhh.

Written over a year ago · Comment ·

Khalisah Tan

I think with meticulous planning, good time management, focus and drive, you can accomplish anything you want :) And for a good cause too, why not?

I BELIEVE IN YOUUU
good luck :D
tsk. i kinda like Hillsong. xD

January 5, 2009 at 11:48pm ·

Joshua Khoo

Good stuff Qi-En. Remember that it isnt about the name. And honestly, learn to succeed small, and then the bigger seems easier. And all the more, i want you to be at Fuel School fo Prayer.

January 6, 2009 at 1:21pm ·

Nicholas Sia

i didnt know god has facebook :D

haha jiayou btw!

January 6, 2009 at 7:21pm ·

Keann Chong

Nuts. Haha. I didn't expect you to come across this, pastor josh:O

Aye, where do i start though! What's Fuel School for prayer?

January 6, 2009 at 9:50pm ·

Facebook Archive - 28 Dec 2008

Title: Quite Scared
Sunday, December 28, 2008 at 8:32am

I feel damn uneasy about leaving for camp for four days with assignments not 30% done.

Journal is at 10 pages,

Feature is at mostly 0% besides planning and only can be done after camp

Radio is unscripted and unrehearsed

And I dont know WHAT THE HELL is going on for CommIss


But I keep asking God and He keeps saying go so...

I know I shouldn't be scared but I am anyway?

I trust enough to go, but I don't trust enough to not fear. Lord I believe, help my unbelief.


Anyone out there pray for me tons kay. I need it.

Will miss you all(:



See you in 4 days and much spiritual renewal hopefully and great testimonies hopefully.

Updated over a year ago · Comment ·

Khalisah Tan

lmao you'll be fineeeee but i'll pray for you anyway :) take care, fats!

December 28, 2008 at 12:58pm ·

Ning Leow

All the best Keann! The camp will be worth it - for now put your assignments down. After the camp, pick them up again as a rejuvenated Keann (: Will keep you in my prayers.

December 28, 2008 at 1:04pm ·

Faith Christine

you know you'll NEVER go wrong when you follow His instructions :) will keep you in prayer :)

December 28, 2008 at 3:54pm ·

Zeng Jiayi

Will pray for you ! I also have unfinished hoework crap :D

December 28, 2008 at 5:46pm ·

Shery Delilah Chan

Keann! My district pastor always says "All for God or nothing at all!" So go for it, kay! Don't worry about your assignments for now, cos I believe He has a plan set for you. Where ever He leads, just follow, for He will guide the way. Do not fear, because He will not challenge you to something that you cannot do. One more thing...

Father,
I pray for courage for Keann as he begins his days, for he understands there is work to be done, burdens to be carried, feelings to be shared and joys to be celebrated.
Grant him the courage to be silent that he may hear Thy voice; to persevere, that he may share Thy victory; and to remember, lest he forget the way by which Thou has led him.... See More
And when each day is done, O Lord, may he have the courage to see Thy guiding hand in the friendships that have been made, in the hurts that have been healed, and in the strength that has been given.
Amen.

Keann, all the best; don't worry, for He definitely knows what He's doing. (:

December 28, 2008 at 10:28pm ·

Facebook Archive - 22 Dec 2008

Title: I should be so lucky
Monday, December 22, 2008 at 9:15am

I would just like to say that right now my two best friends in the world are Khalisah and Deborah.

I don't know how they managed to drop into my life.

But god I love you two to bits, I've only known you for a short time only but Elle I can talk to you about EVERYTHING that is uberly complicated and I KNOW you're always on every night like you have been for the past 4 nights so we can have the awesome brain-exhausting convos we always do :D

Looveeeee. Haha. Where have you been my whole life(:


Deb, you're nuts. Haha. I don't know how it works, but its like I really envy your perspective on things and your ability to just let loose with your emotions and feelings and views and I'm learning to do that from you too, not keeping stuff in because "its wrong" or "its bad" or "i should be more mature".

Ahhhh. Thank you crazy person, I love you to bits. I just want to sit on a grassy field in the middle of the stars till forever chilling with you. And then dance :D



To everyone else: Its not that recently I've been going through an emo bout, I actually feel like this 50% of the time when I'm not high or happy or inspired, its just that I never felt it was okay to be this way in public, I subsist between two extremes all the time. No point depressing other people with my shit right.



Yeah well, I deserve to be stupid as well right. Everyone else is. Screwwwwww it.



I may be setting myself up for hurt but I don't care. I've been living in fear and "intelligence" for far too long.

Arrrgh.




This is not one of my better literary works.

Updated over a year ago · Comment ·

Khalisah Tan

hahaha keann loveee my twin, clone, freaky reflection of me :D:D:D and omg didnt you read my profile , the 'about me' part? I think I wrote ,"My personality lies on both extreme ends of the spectrum. Don't be surprised."

I'm so glad you exist in my life ♥ !

December 22, 2008 at 1:25pm ·

Amar Aric Koul

Hey Keann.
if you're depressed, play some soccer.
you'll go crazy.
Keann when playing soccer = hyena wanting some food = GG (does the apache GG cheer)
... See More
kekekeke.

December 22, 2008 at 8:17pm ·

Hazlyn Aidzil

hahaha.
loves you cheekerooz keann.

December 22, 2008 at 8:22pm ·

Keann Chong

hahahaha oh man. Thank you guys. I just had a huge fight with my father, talked to my pastor about it, went to apologise and miraculously i'm okay, but very drained, and I come back and see this. Just, thank you (:

December 22, 2008 at 9:25pm ·

Facebook Archive - 17 Dec 2008

I already do have some of these notes here, but I'm posting them all as Facebook Archives just in case. Until I reorganize and post to a Wordpress or something. I do have a new note, it'll come after this. Hello March 2010 :D

-----------------

Title: Letters

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 at 9:46pm

To You:

Hello. I don't think I've even met you yet, maybe I have, I don't know, but chances are that if I am meant to be together with someone for the rest of this life, you're alive and well right now and running about the same world I'm in, we just haven't met yet.


Logically speaking.


Haha well. Yeah. What is there to say. I miss you.I miss you already, even though I haven't met you (at least I think I haven't, and if I have could you please tell me so my life can be spared all the complications of its current state).


I miss you. I miss connecting with you, I miss laughing with and at you, smiling outside and inside at your smile, your sparkling eyes, your dimples, your wavy hair, drinking every aspect of your physicality in with wonder and awe at how I ever found you and how I could possibly ever let you go.

I miss the sound of your laugh that tinkles and echoes through my memories, I miss smelling your hair after an impetuous run through a January spring shower, after an hour-long warm bath, before Sunday breakfast and every moment of my existence in relation to you.

I miss us cooking golden pancakes in the resplendent mornings, I miss us laughing at a picnic on the green fields amidst the water sprinklers, I miss us hiking to the top of mountains to share a moment, I miss us cozying up in a comforter in a big armchair in a warm library by the fireplace with hot chocolate to share a book.

I miss us night after night after night up on the roof in the field on the street curbs in the balcony lying on our backs staring at the stars trading secrets, every secret, secrets that we can and have never been able to tell our closest friends, guys or girls, for the best of reasons.

But we can share those secrets, because there is nothing to hide and we are everything there is.


I miss you.


I pray I meet you soon. Because life isn't going so good right now, I mean its okay, but increasingly I find myself alone, despite all the wonderful friends I have around me that I love and treasure so dearly.

Because they can't be there for me all the time, and I can't for them, and I wouldn't ask them too, not to spend all their available time on me, because they are friends, and part of being a friend is letting them have other friends, other lives, chilling out, self-sacrifice.

But you, you're different. You want to hang out with me. You desperately want to be with me as much as I desperately want to be with you, calling me when you're done with classes, showing up at my door to surprise me with waffles, planning a huge birthday surprise for me behind my back, treasuring me and thinking of me when I have to go on holiday and we can't keep up our midnight calls.

Just as I am doing the same for you, not out of repayment, and not because I expect something out of you just because I do these things for you.

Simply because I love you, and making you happy, surprising you and entertaining you makes me happy. Spending time with you makes me happy, because you alight my soul. And I do these things one-way, free gestures, with no intent for reciprocation.

Freely giving with abandon and smiles and love just because making your life better is right to do, and I stop thinking right there(:


And it is so cool because you do exactly the same, not out of obligation, but simply because it is easy and natural to love me out of everyone else, because you see something in me that even I don't understand, but you constantly reassure me that its there anyway.


And the weird but cool thing is that that's exactly the same way I feel about you.


We are lucky people aren't we, finding each other like that, hearts and souls and minds finding a timeless companion in one another in a crazy hurting tumultuous world. I can't get enough of you.


When the whole world turns on its head in chaos, when parents, people, best friends, brothers let us down and we rage and cry and sob ourselves to sleep, its not so bad, because your arms are open and I know I can come running to you without feeling awkward or weird or imposing.

Because your love is one freely given and unconditional, we've talked about it, like every other thing we've talked about, even the really hard stuff involving each other that friends don't talk about, to each other, and we know without a doubt that even when we fight or fall or cry, I trust you and you trust me.

I trust you about everything, and even though you can't tell me how many stars there are in the skies tonight, you're my next best bet after God and my money's on you.

I've never met anyone like you, you blow my mind, you can argue with me intelligently about the best of issues holding your own, you refuse to compromise on being you, you shock me, annoy me, make me tear my hair out in exasperation sometimes.

But at the same time you melt my heart. Just looking at you takes my breath, my soul away, I could lose myself in your eyes forever, in those sparkling windows into your beautiful soul. Your hands, your fingers that hold me, your ears that I whisper in, your toes that dance across the sand together with mine, and your hair-

Lets not even get started on the hair.

And everytime you throw a tantrum or are silly or just plan to drive me nuts I don't know whether to hug you or to hit you.

So I kiss you.

This happens quite often.


And even while you can be so silly and crazy and my partner in crime so many times, when we need to be serious, when I need to be brought back in line, when I'm hurting and need not just a hug and hot chocolate but advice, you snap back and you wow me with your insights and your compassion and your love and everything else in your beautiful mind. We dance, we sing, we cry, we take over the world and everything else we set our minds to because nothing can stand in the way of our love. Not even the kids.


I love you.



I hope I meet you soon.

Adin Deimos Kindermann

i can only smile and nod my head.
hahahaha

December 17, 2008 at 10:02pm ·

Woo Ai Shan Beverly

HAHAHAH

THATS SO SWEET:D

December 17, 2008 at 10:03pm ·

Joel Cheng

Get out of my head.

December 17, 2008 at 10:13pm ·

Joel Cheng

I miss You too.

December 17, 2008 at 10:13pm ·

Joel Cheng

Like really really badly.

December 17, 2008 at 10:14pm ·

Amanda Eu

haha so sweet :)

December 17, 2008 at 10:31pm ·

Sarah Nat Raziff

Beautiful (:

December 17, 2008 at 11:33pm ·

Ali Wee

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
hahahahahahahahhaha!
:D

December 18, 2008 at 12:07am ·

Vanessa Sng

awww...that's really sweet =)

December 18, 2008 at 12:07am ·

Woo Ai Shan Beverly

eww JOEL!

TT SOUNDED SO WRONG

UHH KEANN... See More
DISTANCE YOURSELFFFF from him
ahahahaha

December 18, 2008 at 12:13am ·

Ning Leow

(: ♥

December 18, 2008 at 12:25am ·

Joel Cheng

I mean my You/Her/Better Half, not Keann.

December 18, 2008 at 12:33am ·

Joel Cheng

:/

December 18, 2008 at 12:34am ·

Woo Ai Shan Beverly

hahahahah

wtheckk
that was such a lame excuse
ahahah!

December 18, 2008 at 12:43am ·

Joel Cheng

Keann :
Where Are You - Natalie

December 18, 2008 at 12:53am ·

Khalisah Tan

:( shudduppp I'm in love with love and your stupid sappy letters of which seems to be impossible for me to be so lucky. I blame you for making me depressed so early in the day. >:(

December 18, 2008 at 12:28pm ·

ZAmanda Jacq

Aww. (:

December 20, 2008 at 12:23am ·

Keann Chong

Ammmaannddaaa (:

December 20, 2008 at 2:08am ·

Sha Rini

that was soo sweet...i bet every girl who read this will melt! =)

November 22, 2009 at 7:50pm ·

Khor Si Hui

Aww keann this is so sweet! The one God has planned for you must read this next time okay!

November 22, 2009 at 8:17pm ·

Keann Chong

hahahaha this is old stuff. Me and Matt should compete for notes written...

November 22, 2009 at 8:21pm ·

Casey Rafael Tan

good stuff. you should become a copywriter. if this was a tweet, ill RT it. haha

November 22, 2009 at 8:30pm ·

Keann Chong

thanks man. Haha. I think it only works when I'm really emotional though, and if I don't write anything it'll be gone. Like right after Red Camp I should have, but I didn't. HAHA :|

Delicious Holidays. Life.

Oh! Are we blogging now? Harhar okay. I feel like I’m in a good moodish. Today’s been decent, timing’s been a bit off planning, but I’m okay! Just wondering what I want to do later. Originally on the cards was worship bus trip, but I’m torn between skateboard practice and com gaming….whatever it is I’m sleeping at 11. Haha.

SO. Planned to wake at 7 today. And I did :D The plan was morning worship, after 8 hours of sleep, then breakfast, then go run at 8…

Then I realised that mom not leaving the house till 745am throws a spanner in things. I’ll figure that out later! But I won’t have to deal with that till Monday, so yeah. Tmr is going running with Keenan instead, at 8, soz yeah.

Instead today I fell asleep again and woke up at 8, so I had nine hours of sleep in the end, something I intend to keep constant :D

Worshipped harharhar. Got a couple more songs. There are way too many versions of I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever, by the way. I’m really bad at picking choices! Soz this led at some point to me going all Korean again. I blame Girl’s Generation. Saw this Youtube link to an old song by Girl’s Generation ( I didn’t previously like them ), clicked it dubiously, then the song about blew my mind :D

Girls in big huge long sleeved bright red shirts with big red baseball caps with a song that is exactly the way I like beat, a really catchy syncopated soft hiphop thing with stop-bursts of energy to pop to…

I likeeeee :D

So I was happy. Am happy. Hahahahahha. Grabbed lunch! I didn’t run in the end, procrastined (working on that), was wondering whether I wanted to swim at 1pm to make up for it, ate lunch while watching Gundam Seed Destiny episodes 1-4 (by the way is as crap as everyone says it is, I’m pretty much watching only because Athrun is badass and Lunamaria is hot and I feel an obligation to sit through the plot to get to the parts I want), packed my swim stuff and all…

Then it started raining D:

So much for that :/

So anw I got out of the house to church with dance stuff and my skateboard at 2-ish, cause I was supposed to meet Mel (Ghui) at 3.30 at the dance studio at 305 to see if we could dance with the big glass mirrors (something that following previous intel garnered I deduced that we could just use cause it was an open area, not a room, uh)

Turns out the air-conditioning is off, and the dudes can’t turn it on cause its not booked, and Jon Heng is around (mysterious), but whatever. Haha.

I’m used to dancing in no air-conditioning studios, somehow! I don’t hugely mind the sweat. Haha. Righto. So went up, called Pastor Jenn to inquire about booking, and she’ll check for us, but its highly unlikely cause its not a church thing we’re dancing for, like a ministry –
And no, no ideas about me starting one, cause guys honestly I’m just starting out on dance myself and I’m still trying to figure myself out, going in blind with this one, and you guys are welcome along for the ride, but I’m not fit to teach anything. Not even warmups. Honestly. Haha.

Gosh I miss O School. I’ll go back next month when I have funds, I really learnt a lot just about warmups, and if I’m practising at my own pace everyday I really should have some kind of choreo to work with that is not leggy girls prancing around, I can do that, but no -.-
But ah, funds. If I get my usual haircut, and contacts, and hair product is running out, that’s $110 bucks, and $160 when I get concession, and that’s only $140 left for the month, and if I hit the 8-week dance course that’s $120 upfront, and honestly that’s more useful for me than the open classes, though its scarily fun trying to catch up to new choreo in one hour every week with those.

Which leaves me with $20 for a month. And then there are the earphones I need to get, and shoes, and an iPod, its silly that I open my laptop on the bus if I want to listen to music…

Um, I need a job. But. Only three weeks of holidays. And I want a constant grunt work job that I can do when attachment starts, at nights or something, with a super friendly customer service philosophy that I agree with, so that means….

Starbucks.

Hmm. I want to ask Starbucks-working people about that. Haha. There’ll be training right! I have three weeks, that works out about fine…


So anyway, I was in the studio trying to remember what the warmups were for O School, and trying to remember how many crunches and in what order, even stumbling upon the same music that Alex (The dude guy teaching at open classes) used for same warmups..
Then Mel came and we largely did our own stuff. We’re doing so different things anyway. She’s focusing on choreo from SNSD and videos and everything, and I want to get my techniques down. Haha. So lots of neck work today, and trying to figure out body side-to-side isolation, and I focused a lot on chest popping practice, linking to the body wave, uh.

I still have problems with that! And cause there’s no wireless where we are, I couldn’t pull up the instructional video I used to use for the body wave.

Worked out for an hour, didn’t get very far noticeably, but I’m gonna have faith in practice and just leave it. Tmr will be better, no point chionging all out and hurting self and getting demoralised the next day. Same goes for skateboarding, and running, swimming, and hopefully gym that I haven’t even planned into my schedule yet…


Tmr will be better, tighter, and I’ll get that video downloaded tonight. Yeah (:


Righto. Hit the library after, came home at seven-ish, tried to practice skateboarding in the carpark for awhile, cool evening(:


And here I am. Haha. Gonna go eat now. And volunteer to wash up. Uh. Sorting laundry clothes for myself I guess…


Man I really have to get that guitar back from Cheryl Han, its been four years, I need to get off my ass. But next week. Haha. Lots of errands to do tmr! But I’ve managed to plan my day already. Week, no, but….working on it. Do not want, let HIP go to waste. Yeah. (:


RIGHT. FOODTIME.


OH. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEENAN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLENE ONG, AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY ENNA. I love you all like crazy nuts I hope today has been the bombbbb, or will be. Yeah. See you soon (:



My entire dressing philosophy ♥

I hate you

I hate you. I really really hate you. I hate everything about you. You're so annoying, you don't give me anything, not even dignity, I know you want to trod me into the ground and smush me and kill me slowly and I just want to get away from you. So bad. I never do anything to you, I never confront you, but now and again you just decide to come in and ruin my life with snide comments and treating other people better than me and depriving me of things. I hate. you. You're the worst dad in the world, people say others have worse situations, like Sharyl or whatever, but at least they talk. Something. Talk about God. Kinda. You hate everything about me, you hate what i love, you disagree with everything I like, you shit on everything I want, and ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH.


Look I discovered blogging. You retard. I really really freaking hate you. And I won't vent to anybody else. Honour. Something. You will never get just how much effort I'm putting in just to do this much. Both of you. To not fight. I'm nowhere near loving yet but at least i'm not fighting. Not shitting all over you. Not that you'd care, or affirm, or encourage, or anything like that. You know nothing like that. Just your own snide little world view of what things should be and you hate everything that is not. Freaking short-sighted munchkins. I hate you.


ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.


WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE ENOUGH ALREADY


I hate you and I want real parents ):

The rest of sunday.

Hoo hoo hoo.

Haha. Its 5am already! Oh dearrrr.

But I believe I was doing productive stuff!
Minus the reading wow.com, and chatting on fb and skype. Haha.

God, I've served you today. Gladly. Productive mode. Working on it. Working in it. Thank you for showing me that I have it.

Children's min, and really trying to work, I think, and the shoot, and afterwards at the hospital, and then blogging/making a note so others are blessed by it.

I know this is all for You and of You (:

Just that....its 5am now. Oh dear. Haha. There's radio!

BUT I entrust it to you kay! Seek ye first the kingdom of God. And I have. And I will. And I await your favour. You provide for all my needs anwyay (:



Helpe me to wake up early tmr God! Is it possible! Haha. I wanna be productive. Hopefully I can get up early enough to run. Yeah. Wake up, shoot to breakfast, run, sit-ups (I want a mat D:).....oh yeah I can't worship at home. Haha. Where to?

I'll ask you tmr again (:

Heal my earphones, Lord. I know you can do anything. Haha.


RIGHT. SLEEPO TIME?


I guess no dota. And no maple. Le sigh.

I need a job, Dad. And moneyyy. haha. Howww.

Good night (:

Hospitals at night, the warm afterglow.

Tonight, I realised that hospitals at night are one of my most favourite places.

Try walking through the halls of TTSH past midnight, its dark, sleepy, dimly lit, glowing with little puddles of yellow light, probably to reassure those who have to wait the whole night for their loved ones, and those rushing in by taxi for the A&E.

Its very calming, not creepy at all, doesn't smell sickly, or medicinally, no buzzy worried crowd, just the occasional worried couple with masks on, head in hands, waiting outside the A&E, or the sleeping old man in the bench.

This place isn't death, it's opportunity. The place breathes with them. Whether in the beds of the sleeping patients above, or the waiting worriers outside the quietly frantic A&E, or the occasional urgent gown-escorted helter-skelter metal bed trolley running past from the ambulance.

There's so much to do, so much influence to wield, especially when you remember that we're living time-bombs of God's presence spreading puddles of it when we walk, more when we pray, and even more when we offer to heal.

And its, so, fun.

I wasn't even trying to be in a hospital tonight. I just got back, an hour ago from TTSH, I didn't plan to go there for a treasure hunt or a prayer walk or anything like that.

I just had a film shoot that went past midnight on National Day, and one of the actors got greviously injured. We rushed him to the hospital.

And so I'm here, sitting here, with Valerie Chia, on the gravel outside the A&E, mask drooping off our faces, watching the other despondent and worried people waiting for loved ones.

ooh

gee God I wonder what happens now?

:D :D :D

Lets just say that I haven't been offering to step out and heal people in awhile, despite being post-SSM and all. School has been hard, challenging, and social life tempts to distract, and my struggles with self-discipline are all over the place. Revival hasn't started, its scary to offer to heal friends, politics are awash around the area, and different christians from different churches believe in slightly different things, and have slightly different priorities.

And that lady in a wheelchair has turned from a window of opportunity into an obstacle of fear all over again.

I admit that.

Saturday comes. Suddenly my friend, who doesn't believe in healing, pops up out of the blue and tells me that he believes in healing now. It wasn't the argument. It wasn't the experiences I told him about. It was a conviction from the Holy Spirit brought upon by me being entirely willing to jump out and try and heal him of an injury, a month ago.

He didn't get healed that day, by the way.

But here he is then, telling me that watching me dare to be so expectant, with such faith, changed something. He continued, talking about going out to heal in general, saying "what's needed is intervention, the healing from God is just a bonus".

"What's needed is intervention, the healing from God is just a bonus."

Now we know this. The Bethel guys told us this. But its one thing to hear it from the Bethel experts, and quite another to hear the exact same thing come out of your friend's mouth, who was previously quite unconvinced of healing, and its not like you said anything like that to him, fearing that it'd sound like an excuse for the healing not happening.

So that was encouraging. Then Pastor John comes up and gives a sermon about the exact same thing. And I am reminded that yes, I can heal, and I want to heal, and I want to expect the supernatural all over again, even though I've been flagging.


Back to the hospital past 1am.

what am I doing here

snicker.

Totally go for it right.

Rubs hands together

I'm still laughing at how I got to be here. I know I need practice, I know I haven't done this in a long time, and here I am, and I didn't even seek it out. Its the A&E ward on a public holiday in the middle of the night. This is too easy.

There's that lady in a wheelchair with casts all over, can I pray for you? Lady's very un-wheelchair-bound friend assertively proclaims "no, we don't need you to pray for us, thanks."

Ooook.



I return to my friend. Then that old man in the thin white tee and slippers. "Hi, my name is Keann, what's yours?"

"Sorry, no, I don't want to talk to you right now, I just want to rest."

old man walks away and pointedly sits somewhere else

On that note, people waiting in a hospital past midnight are usually notoriously easy to talk to. If you're there waiting for someone else too. It happens all the time, all over the world, worried waiters find solace in others waiting too, and rapport is usually easily, sometimes desperately, built over cups of vending machine coffee and hard ceramic benches.

You can see in the body language, you can feel it in the atmosphere, everyone wants a friend when waiting at 3am.

Usually.

Haha.



Its okay. I make friends with this indian man. Foreign worker I think. We stumble over some words, then he leaves when his friend comes out from the ward, I never got to offer to pray or sow a seed. Bummer.


Ooook. My friend's mom comes then. And we talk while my friend sleeps, about stuff, work, the film shoot, parent-children dynamics, whatever..




I go and buy food, come back, and see this semi-old guy sitting opposite us on a curb, next to the A&E mysterious fever ward (which is crazy fillled, at the end of the day, I've spoken to 3 out of 5 people who are waiting for people with high fevers).

His son overheated. he's in the ward. Of course we can't go in. But i get to pray for him and the father too. The father wants my contact for some reason, maybe to ask his son to thank me later. This whole time, I know my friend's non-christian mom is watching my back.

I am devious. Haha. The injured friend is discharged, I tell them to leave first cause I still want to pray for the father dude.

My only case k, of course I'm staying. Its 230am, this is hilarious.




We finish that, I start to grab my bag and leave.

Hold on.

That worried indian couple has been sitting there since before I got here, everyone else around since then has left.

Hmm. (Its always really easy to go for one more after one successfully allowed prayer)

:D

They didn't let me pray for their feverish (another one) daughter. But seeing the way their eyes lighted up at a random stranger coming to ask them who were they waiting for, what happened to her, concerned for her health and their tiredness...

That was cool(:




That's all right. Time to go! Hold on! There's this worried lady sitting near the counter! There's a man with her. But they aren't together. You can tell. The man is serious too, but he's not worried, he's resolute. Like, almost quietly confident.

"Hey, do you know where's the taxi stand? (I really didn't know). Er, who are you waiting for?"

Hee.

Turns out the lady's husband is sick. Can I pray for him?

"Oh we prayed already," the confident man says with a tired smile.

oh, it all makes sense now

:D

Now its my face's turn to light up. Hahahahha. Fellow christians. Awesome! I could have offered to pray again, more prayer always helps. Perfectly legit.

Instead, I had a gut feeling (I won't say led), to not do that, but say this instead. I was somewhat high already, anyway, from the previous two happenings in 6 minutes.

"I like hospitals. So much, opportunity :D"

Faces flicker with half-confusion before settling on sudden realisation and smiles.
"Oh, I see," the man says, happily.

I leave them. I know they've already been blessed :D

I'm not saying this to boast, but I know there is nothing wrong with accepting that we are awesome, modesty is not humility.

But I know how inspired and strengthened I am when I'm suffering and see a fellow peer suddenly jumping in and being really on fire for God, happy and bringing Him into the conversation for you. It works best when when it comes from an unexpected area, like not in church, but school from someone you didn't know was a christian, or on the train, or anything like that.

And I've just done that for that two, especially being a crazy young kid running around the hospital at 2am and all. I've inspired them, and given them something to think about.

I take my leave, skate down the TTSH slope, see a (full-fledged!) bat flitting above my head when I reach the bottom, take a cab back.

So blessed! :D :D


Thank you God, for remembering that I do best with spontaneous surprises, not planned charts and outlines :D


We are such walking time bombs for God, isn't it scarily exciting. :D

Hospitals(:

Saturday, Service, Spirit replenishment (:

SO.I WANTED TO POST SOMETHING HERE.

It was about Saturday.

Haha. Hold on, on that note, Friday, I also learnt an important lesson about not being late. It really crushed me to not be able to be an usher, just because I was 10 minutes late, especially when I took a taxi all the way, bringing me one step closer to being broke.

Sigh. I was angry at first, thought they were being unreasonable, then I realised that the right thing to do was to learn the lesson from it. Late, face the consequences. Therefore, don't be late. Haha.

And it worked out okay anyway, I had an enjoyable time in the subway with the long book (:

Plus, I found it quite funny that the only reason I'd dress up to that extent is because I am an usher, an official representation. Like I'll do next week. When it comes to myself, I can't really be bothered. I want my own style. Haha. Uh.

----------------------------------

SO SATURDAY. HMMM.

What happened. Oh yeah. The conversation with Joshua Simon. Oh man. Haha.

What happened was that, weeks and months ago, I had a huge argument with him about healing and its possibility. And we discussed that arguments didn't do anything, but somehow, experiences can be seen and talked about, and the person still might not believe (case in point: Josh).

And I picked up somewhere along the way from Pastor Jen and all that, that some things can only be gotten through revelation from the Holy Spirit. All arguments and experiences can't do anything, without that.

And on saturday, Josh just came and spoke to me that he believed in healing now.

Because of me praying for him that day. The funny thing was, he didn't even get healed man. But the experience really wowed him, about how I stepped out in complete faith and was ready to intervene.

And he said about healing and stepping out:

"What is really needed is intervention, the healing from God is just a bonus".

That's crazy. Because see, as people stepping out, we do understand that, but its not something you'd say to the people you're praying for! Because it sounds like a cop-out, an excuse, a "oh you didn't get healed but that wasn't the point anyway".

But its entirely different when the people you're praying for, completely realise that for themselves, without you saying anything in the matter. Okay, revelation through the Holy Spirit.

Its one thing to hear that logic from Joaquim and the Bethel supernatural healing bigwigs! That the healing is just a bonus! Its another thing entirely to hear it from your friend, whom you've stepped out for, and you didn't say anything like that at all to them."

Its so powerful.And that's when you realise that "hey, I don't have anything to lose, at all." "This is real."

Dannng. So I really needed that inspiration. Because post-SSM, I've been regressing. So caught up trying to survive schoolwork, knowing I should be going around healing people, but still being afraid. And slowly regressing.

And yesterday restored that, put me back in the mode. Pastor John talked about it in the message as well. And brought us back, replenished us, re-encouraged us that we can heal and we should go out and do it.

I so needed that. Haha. The SSM spirit, had been slowly dying away.

But now I am reminded and re-restored and ready to go!

Ready to see a wheelchair and see it as an fun opportunity, not a fearful obstacle.

Again. Yup. Haha.

I wondered if the others, Hannah etc, were going through this as well. Cause its the whole "we're going to step back into schools and cause mass revival! yeah!".

Then it doesn't happen. And we (at least i), can't help wondering if hey we're wasting our gifts, what we've been equipped. Vague sense of unease that something should be happening, but we aren't doing it. Guilt.

That's silly. Haha.

but yeah lets clean slate it. Ready to go. Hmmm. Operate from approval aye! No "we need to do this", it really is just a bonus. No pressure. Haha. Fun. Love.


Hohohoho. Okay. I got Saturday down. What's important about it, anyway.

Lets hit this productive mode thing. Lets do up this radio thing (:

Friday, National Day Breakthrough

Still in productive mode! I will be. Haha.

Lets talk about Friday, Day Of His Power.

I really learned something about being a citizen of Singapore that day. It felt like a real breakthrough, a problem I didn't even realise I had, but rather was proud of my "inclinations".

They were speaking about giving thanks for the nation, and living to really have a heart to love our country, for real, because if not, we will never be able to pray for Singapore in the right spirit!

And I so totally agree. See, over the years, I've always prided myself as not being "of here". I've been ashamed to be Asian. I've been ashamed of my culture, i've always wanted to be Western. It always made so much more sense to me. I've appreciated Singapore tons, over the years, but I've always seen myself as belonging to the "ang moh" cliques. Singaporeans small and shortsighted. Little bubble. Conniving and grasping and silly notions of respect that is entirely dependent on rank, not capability.

There have been reasons for it. Me hating most of how my parents have treated me. River Valley. Resentment, blaming the culture for all the crap I went through. Escaping to my Western Identity, American, then Australian, because they had life philosophies I agreed with so much more. Being open, unafraid of shame, etc. Forward, all of that.

Staying away from my Chinese identity. Never liking or really understanding even Chinese New Year. Not liking relatives. Never being good at Chinese anyway, so why bother. Deny it to support my self-identity.

I've always been looking towards getting out. Thinking I'm meant for "something more". That I'm "better than this". But all of these....

Pastor Charissa and me once had a random conversation that stuck in my head. About how I hated my Asian heritage, Chinese etc, and she said"If you don't accept where you come from, you can't get to where you're going".

And I've not been willing to. It hurts too much. I've been too stubborn to say my views over the years have been wrong. I've hung out, and built a community around myself, where because I am "Western", I am cool.

And "cheenah" is bad. And on top of that, the whole "loving nation" thing not being cool. Not that I have any issues with Singapore itself, I know what a frigging great job they've done over the years, its nuts. But it has never been "cool" in Singapore to be patriotic, but seen more as a "government hugging nut", and so I've not been, appreciating, but always having the thought process stop there!

Even though I actually really love singing some of the songs, I have not been letting myself. Not wanted to be "uncool".


I am repenting of that. Haha. God really hit me at DOHP. And I realised that until I love my country, yes, I cannot pray for it in the right spirit! Because I have no ownership of it.

And I will. I do love my country. And its not healthy to run away from my heritage. I just need to step out now and unabashedly say that yes I think Singapore is pretty awesome. Its time to make it "cool" to be so. I get it now.

So, Singapore (:


Hahahahha. I like my country. I love my country. and if you don't you're not cool, not me. Lol. Hmm.

So really needed to hear that, that day. Rawr. But now....the question arises.

How do I love two countries at once? I still believe that I am called to Australia. Its just now that I don't have a resentment for Singapore anymore. But how do we work that out.....

Like, now I have to sink roots into here and love it unabashedly knowing that I have to leave. Haha.

Interesting. But I think, like Pastor Charissa said, until I accept where I come from, I cannot go where I'm going (:

So this is a on the way process for me in Australia. Learning that it doesn't mean leaving Singapore behind without thought. I can see how that'd work out.


So. Time to love my nation. Whether its cool or not. Its right. Haha. Alrightyyyy (:

As for the faults and hurts I've suffered, I'm learning that these might not be because of culture, but more of people. Let's not blame culture for faults of people, because what happens when you go to a different culture and find the same problems! Then you have egg in your face. Haha.

Okay.

I love Singapore (:

This is a new thing. Time to get used to it. Haha. Enthusiasm!

August, before cell

So how God? Should I write this note now?

Haha ugh. Okay. I guess not. Though its natural to spill. I'm sure all of this in my head will be here later if you tell me to do it later.

Lets listen to you all the way, not halfway God. Alright. Starting new (:

-------

Hmm guess i know why start later now. Haha. Had to go for cell in like 30 seconds. Lol.

And I'm going to turn it off again because you say so, God. Fellowship time (:

Clean slate. Wiped identity clean


5/8/09 5th August

Bus worship 2

I think I miss church, God. And I miss happy people. Its so draining here, the possible politics, the trying to keep everyone happy, the juggling friendships with work.

I miss the freedom and the grace and the love, and no club or drinking camaraderie can compare to that!

Yup. Only in you is joy truely found, the love, the happiness, woowwww. Remembering now (:

Hahaahaha. To worship. One % bat!

Pre Bus Worship

Hmm.

Bit depressed Lord, and I'm not sure why. Am I just tired? I've been tireder. Assignments are covered, just masina, and acting, printjourn is clear and medlaw is negligible, its just masina and acting left. Why do I feel so unhappy then? Is it just because I'm poor and broke and lack options? Haha I don't know....

This saturday I will not go drinking. There is no value. Rarrgh. But yeah I just feel so uncool lately. Restricted by money, restricted by time, and I don't like it, Dad ):

Hahaahah ahhhhh.

I don't know what I need. I think.....

its you. Haha. Time to worship. Lord, will you let the 3% bat last the journey pleaeeeeessee? I want to be happy. Engaging your joy....now

God Talk More

Gal 9:6 or 6:9

Hmm. So I shouldn't go to Hillsong, because:

1. Its time the whole bunch of them got out from under my shadow, and learn how to chase after God on their own, and why.

2. For me, its time for me to really learn the lesson that I don't have to go after the hype, and the big shows. Like, make it into reality. And not be there. Also, learning to think of how I can serve, as opposed to how I can be served. And I can serve better in COOS that week.

Should I still go down? No. Its true that me being there can help facilitate and everything, but I spend my time better doing other things. Plus, josh and rachael and everyone can facilitate on their own anyway, they're capable people. Or do I really want to go down because I want to see Myra? Hah. Got it.

I was gonna type about something else here...Oh right. NP cell. And me and dance worship. And my leadership and sowing truth style, how I might not be trusting God enough in it. And counting the cost for school, and how lately I've not really been willing to go all out and sink deep precisely because I've been afraid of counting that cost. Sinee. Hmm. Harsh, but its gotta be said.

Whooosh, worship really puts you in the right mindset of asking God for His will (:


Lol ok I visit NP cell this friday. Cause we don't have cell anyway, It works out! But after that, corporate prayer, and Day of His Power, I stick with my cell, hold the cell together. Awesome (: And La and Cerise will talk and then we'll seeeee.

The wisdom La has is astounding. Lol.

Oh yeah I want to reflect on going to help treasure hunt too. Kids, being late, Pastor John. Right.

Need to talk about porn/sex/clubbing vs praising God and reading his word etc and living in him...

And how I should help Kai En in the clapping thing, mentoring, not just about hype, but in being in tune with God, and leading....

Bus Rides and Stress

dfkjasdnfaskdjfn

Howwww God. Howwwww. I am so scareddd. And so stonned. Don't feel like typing, brain doesn't feel like moving, and I really have to create up a storm tonight. Michael Jackson. Local quotes. Oh welll? I have more than enough info to chuck in without having local quotes luh, but its like ararrrrrrghhh.. Confusion.

"Michael took soul, jive, gospel, dance, groove and rock, and combined it. And that created pop as we know it"

Rarrrraggghhh And then if/when I pull this off, I get some sleep, (hopefully), and go to school, SPSS something, hit printjourn, chiong the web radio proposal afterwards in one and a half hours, and thennn I gotta watch the movie, in my sleep addled state. or something. With no money for Red Bull. And then watch Harry Potter. Without writing my review yet. THEN stay up and write said 350-word review.

And figure out wisp next day, EPM sometime, and Masina report omg omg omg. So howwwwwwwwww?

God I know you've pulled me through things before, but I'm so scared.

"Don't be". Ah. I feel very defeated God. Haha. Then on top of everything I'll probably have pimples tmr, and meeting Myra, oooh funnnn.

Waaaaghh.

Cool today though, teaching Josh about healing and stuff and discussing it with Clarice. Yuppp. Haha. Then the bubble ended and I had to go back and do my story again ):

Whaaaaat. Local quotes? Don't bother? Just take them anyway?

Rarrrghh. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.

Well good, God, because I have no understanding left to lean on.

-.-

Haha. But yeah I wil praise you. Just....a bit tired to sing right now. Uh. Yeah. I trust you. And if work doesn't work out, its just work. My grades don't determine my destiny (:

Rarraragaghh. Haha. God give me rest? Yup (:

(sleep)

Bus Rides and MJ

Apparently I do work so much better on the bus, so....

Before I start, I would just like to say that I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. I do not want to screw Michael Jackson up, man. He touched hearts and souls and was such an icon and inspiration to so many people, so huge, that I reaaaaalllly don't want to turn in an amateur piece on him. Not for me, but for him, and for his fans. Joshua. Any dancer. Audrey. Any other fan. Any lecturer. Anyone who understands and was captivated by his genius. During his time. Nuts. This intimidates me, God. Haha. The man is a towering icon, how can I possibly begin to encapsulate his presence in one story.

One shot, one hype, one day. Haha. Hooboy. That said, I love writing like this. Free. Writing stories is so much harder, I fret and worry over every single word I might say, I am caught and stuck between endless possibilities, and now I can be stupid and I just don't care and SOMEHOW it turns out great to read.

How does that work out. I don't know man. Maybe I should write this way for my stories first, then edit. Take whatever comes..

But something in my psyche rails violently against doing work twice. Haha. Oh freaking man. I would like to write the way the wow bloggers write, but then again, those are blogs, right? The time and trusted method of the "professional" writer....

Oh gosh. How to capture that explosion of awesomeness that is MJ. And i just found out about him man. Haha.

Zinnnnnggg. How was today, God? Well I loved worshipping in the morning. I thought Acting turned out okay. Whatever right. Just hope Mel isn't pissed off at me. Sigh. Dieeeee. DVD review tooooo. At least I found the movie. God really please I need you for this stuff.

"Trust in the Lord in all your heart and lean not on your own understanding," God says. "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Guess I just gotta roll with that huh. Haha. Rarrrlgh. I worry for SPSS, God. If I'm rushing thar DVD review and all, how do I have time to analyse? How cans we survey? Plus I can't expect them to carry me further, Mel and Dion have done a ton already and its time for me to step up. Man.

Wisp, EPM, Masina, Printjourn...

NPCell. Movie. Clubbing. Oooh boy.

Should I go for Rachael's party, God. I want to ): I sense the answer is no, but I want to. I finally got invited to something, something social, and I want to make the most of it ):

Then again if its not of your will I'd maybe just get screwed right. Haha. Okay I sense the answer is no but I'll ask again? Alrighty.

Ahhhh Michael Jacksonnnn. How to scale that insurmountable thing. Haha. God really just flow and give me an inspiration and passion and ENERGY for the story? I want to write something that touches, grips hearts. Like crazy. The man deserves it. His fans deserve it. Haha. Please Daddy.

I now also realise that I should ask Val to change the script. Maybe the character might swear, but there are other ways to convey emotion and make a good scene. You don't need that. If I compromise on this, how can I be strong on not compromising on nudity or sexual scenes as an actor, or anything? Gotta stand firm. Not "for the sake of the scene." No. I shouldn't compromise. Rarrrgh.

Okay God. Thank you for everything, thank you for money, thank you for friends, and I know you will take care of me. Gotta go. Gogoogogo.

Laterrrr (:

The Morning After

Good morning Daddy,

Hey (:

I might not be here talking to you now, if I didn't go back to read last night's journal entry. Haha. Thank you for reminding me and getting me to read it.

(:

So what now? Its 7:53 am, I've just had breakfast, and I seem vaguely free. But that's a lie. Michael Jackson story creeping up, and WISP needs to be done, and I think there IS medlaw. Haha. Will check. Medlaw at 11, which means I gotta leave by ten....and I really need to collect facts for the MJ story. And write. Behind timeee man. God I really pray, that you get them to give me an extension. I'm afraid to ask:p

But I suppose culture of honour? Hah.

So, what now, God? Start chionging MJ facts now? Or worship, spend time with you? How long? About what? Haha.

Hmm. I do need to talk to Josh, but I shouldn't be limited by it! I might have to work on it without him. Cell Rsvps....

Should I stay over at Josh's today? Haha okay you say no. Yeah. I am in control of my circumstances. I can do my work anyway, I am an overcomer.

I am so happy for Josh at NRA btw. He seems really happy there, going day after day (:

Bleagh the last night thing. I was gonna wake up, but I guess Fifi forgot. And shery tried. Haha. Darn. But its okay I guess God thought I needed the rest anyway....9 hours? Lol. I feel rested, which is good...

So weird to not have to chiong radio this week. Haha. Well.

Lots to do God, help me grip me to my work and stuff. Yeah. Lets worship now, for ten minutes.

- takes longer than that-

There's a difference between worship, and listening to a song for enjoyment. Big difference. Whole heart and soul and focus goes into worship, period. Listening to a song, even if you're thinking about God or talking/listening, I don't think so.

And neither makes you more holy. Worship is better for spiritual growth, but that isn't the point of worship either! Its for God, ministering to God, period. Its awesome because, when we do that, we connect with God and He speaks to us and heaven comes and we grow. But that's a side effect. If we aim for the side effect we'll miss the real thing and then we'll miss everything.

Yeah (:

Finally, a big long real entry (:

Hey Daddy,

I thank you. I thank you for so much, for the things that happened today, and during the week, for the things that I know about and even the things that I don't know about. I'm very aware that as I had been praying, desperately, even though I kept getting distracted, and sinning too, you still came/am still coming through for me. I'm not quite sure how you did it, but somehow things have shifted and deadlines seem more manageable somehow, once I managed to get past the NDP story. Wow. That was horrible. Haha. But I thank you for that blessing, it really was a huge exercise in staying focused. Time and time again, especially last night, I realised that if I don't get anything in the first five minutes, running away and doing something else really isn't the smart thing to do. Stick with it, hold with it, even though its frustrating and painful, and something will come out eventually. A huge exercise in persistence, in creative work, where the answer, unlike math, can't be found by google or by asking other people. Its things you have to create and that's it.

Wow. Thank you. Remember how for the past two days I kept finding myself in the same situation? Desperate during the day, getting distracted at night, growing complacent, panicking again in dead night, and suffering because of it. And feeling like I was the worst worker in the world, terrified of letting myself and everyone else down.

And the fear. And not seeing how I could get past those circumstances simply because of my inability to knuckle down. Staying happy about my circumstances was one thing that by your grace i could do, but getting down to changing those circumstances was another.

This whole episode has been a huge lesson about persistence and just knuckling down, and I am stronger for it. Tired, yes, but stronger.

I thank you that I've started journaling again, like now. I thank you for drilling in my head through that talk with Josh to not let my emotions or my circumstances control me. I can't not do good work because "I don't feel like it". I can't not do work because "the place isn't right". Or "I'm hungry", or "I need this music to be playing, "i need to feel like a genius, "I need the library or a new location. I am in control of my circumstances, because I am your child and I have control. My circumstances don't have control of me, I'm a world changer, and I can do my work even if my father is yelling in my ear.

Within moderation of course, I should do outward things if they help me too, but not the point where I keep trying to find the "perfect formula" and end up not doing anything because I get distracted while doing that.

I am in control of my circumstances. Rawr.

I thank you for me being broke too, God. Haha. Is this a fast? I don't think so. I have banned myself from Facebook, and I'm too broke to eat, and I cherish what I have, but I don't feel like this is a fast. All those things were for me, not really for you, but they have shown me so much. Being broke has shown me that I CAN survive on a shoestring, by due fact that I have been doing so for two weeks. That I CAN endure hunger, and don't have to indulge every little taste. That I CAN be wise, going home for dinner, packing little things, and of course depending on your grace (:

Like friends deciding to pay for me even though I don't ask. And today. Wow. Was hungry. Was going to endure. Talked to you about it. And suddenly there was a full buffet of free food in front of me. God, You're amazing!

Wow. I am in awe. And I can only pray that this sticks, not like after I get all my money again, I go back to splurging. There are better things to spend/save my money on, I know! I hope this frugality sticks.

Also, this discipline. That half sermon I listened to about us being in greatest danger to fall after our greatest victories. Me being desperate enough to ban facebook. Realising that yes, I don't need to stay connected to the world, and really need to turn everything off to do my work sometimes. You showing and guiding me through all of that. The album, the songs you have blessed me with. Wow. I pray that you give me a new charger, God. And help the discipline stick. Help me exercise the gift of self-control to DO things, not just to keep out of bad things.
Its not about being old and boring, its about growing more mature and more like Christ! What I feel is better doesn't matter, as long my heart is for you.

Wow, thank you for nuking my itunes, God. Haha. I love and cherish my songs so much more now. Thank you. I would have never discovered many of these songs I have, even though they lay there in my hard drive, and never developed a personal music identity with these things. Hah. Thank you, for teaching me all these things and all these lessons in the absence of an earthly father to teach me. Wow. I feel loved and at peace.

I learnt another lesson over the past few days as well. Something I've vaguely known for a time but shall make concrete now. You know how when we're desperate we - at least I - always want to turn to You? But there seems like there's no time to, work and everything and exhaustion piling up and all? But I'll develop a dependant relationship with you anyway, and looking forward to getting out of the mudpile, to do all these things like worship you and pray and journal and spend time with, things i wished I had time to do while in crisis. But once I'm out of it, I forget, get complacent, and start wasting my free time now on stupid things, instead of all the things I wanted to do. Which don't benefit me at all!

So now, lets try to set this in stone. To do my quiet time and journal, and worship and read your Bible, and other books and other things when I do have free time, out of the knowledge that time is precious and that when I have very little of it, I will really want to do these things, and these are great opportunities I'm missing. To remember when I've been starved of time and of time with God, to remind myself to feed my time with God when I have time available.

To remember situations when I would have given everything I own just to have time to worship or pray more in dire situations. Help me to remind those experiences, to remember that time is precious, and now that I have it, lets not take it for granted. Do things with God. With the spirit of self-control. I'm not controlled by my emotions! I am in control of them and of my circumstances!

Not that I can't do other things, but the crunch times really show what I really crave when you strip me bare, not movies or games as much as time with God.

Which was how I was created anyway.

Ohmygosh. I just realised that the song that I'm listening to, Follow Through, a love song by Gavin Degraw talking about how if someone he really loves really wants to be with him, she really needs to get serious and follow through, since she really wants to be with him, with everything she says. And he does love her totally whole-heartedly back, but she has to stick around or nothing will happen.

And God is just speaking to me now, like He's Gavin Degraw singing that song to me, someone He loves, someone that needs to follow through.

"This is the start of something good, don't you agree."

So I'm just going to sit here and listen to that song, once more, taking it as words from God to me, a love song from him to me.

Who says God can't speak through secular things and songs? You "just gotta open your eyes, and ears, and pay attention to everything around you!"

HAHA (:

"And you are my son John, the disciple I loved, because I know you need more love than most people, and I am willing to provide that love, so watch out for it, its going to come in lots of different ways, from people, from circumstances, music, and random things. Watch out for it."

(:

Bus love melancholy, that sounds like a song

So. Finally writing again. Typical how it takes love melancholy to make me do this, instead of epic events, or epic life-shattering encounters with God, of which i've had plenty of over the past few months.

Life has been...interesting.

And I really should have taken all of it down huh. Haha. Ah well. Lets not dwell on all of that today, lets just dwell on...today.



I feel lonely again. Well, not in the same way as before, its not the nobody-is-there-for-me loneliness, or anything, God is here and he's fixed that (somewhat), thank you Dad. I'll never be alone, I always have you to talk to, rant to, turn to, et-cetera...

And yeah. I've always been so okay with getting affection from those around me in my life, the girls especially, who are okay with hugging and all of that.

I'm cool with that.

Its Day Two of Zul telling me firmly that I should be holding off doing that, hugging, being so tender, etc, with Nadia. And Shery and Val. Because of the whole boyfriend thing. Its not wrong, I fully agree, and I probably needed an incentive anyway to stop being so physically affectionate (inappropriately, as Pastor Josh would say) with girls anyway.

Yeah. We'll figure out girls sometime, but firstly, girls with boyfriends are off limits.

However, folllowing that, and being reminded every second when with them, great friends that I love (who wouldn't turn me down), that I'm not going to do that, hugs and tenderness and stuff, really reminds me that I don't have someone of my own to do that with.

So that's the part that bothers me now. The lack of a girlfriend to hold, to be with, to caress tenderly, to love, etc. I used to do that with all girls, you know, friends, i'm okay with it as long as they're okay...but now that I'm drawing back from that -

Going on bus rides are awesome. Haha.

Well anyway....not wanting to dwell on this topic further. But disappointment, and God saying He'll always fulfill his promises...

Idk. I was made to love. And there was nothing inappropriate in my mind when i do these things. Just wanting to love, and find a connection there, between friends.

Just that girls with boyfriends are off limits, just as most girls i know in church are.

Haha.

Help me to learn to love and connect through other ways as well, Lord (:

Okay, later