God Bless You Daryl,
I'm currently going through a very hard time in my life because my boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me. Were both christians and very active in our churches. We were in a long distance relationship but two days ago he told me that he didnt want to be with me under these circumstances of distance. I cant move to Florida in this moment because I want to be married before I leave my family behind and were not ready for marriage financially and emotionally. He said he needed time and I finally gave it to him. Ive tried to not call him or text him but its very difficult because I deeply believe that God has put us together for a purpose and hes the one God wants for me. Im praying a lot to God that if its my emotions telling me that then for God to take that away but if its God to speak into him as well.
I read in one of the questions that you and your wife had a break up before you got married. I want to know if you knew she was the one God had for you before you broke up? And how did you hear God speak to you that she was the one? Did your wife do anything that made you realize that you did want to be with her?
I know that this is a process that I have to go through to become purified and to depend more on God but how do I get through it? Its very hard, and although we were in a long distance relationship we saw each other often at a point and spent a lot of time together with each others family. I also have him under my cell phone plan but I dont know if I should take him out or not or just wait until I feel that this is it. Please speak some word of God into me because I really need it in this moment.
Thank You.
Answer
Hi Cristina,
I’m sorry to hear about your break-up. I know that this is a difficult time and I hope to say something that will bring comfort and help. I'm not sure how similar my wife's and my break up situation is to yours, but by sharing it with you, there may be some things that will help in your situation.
I broke up my wife before we got married, because I was confused. My wife does not have the same skin colour as me, and that was a major problem with my parents. They gave me a lot of “advice” about why mixed relationships wouldn’t work and that I was out of God’s will because I was dating someone of a different race. With that kind of advice, it didn’t take long before I was emotionally unstable. I felt guilty because as far as my parents were concerned, I was out of God’s will, so that put strain on my relationship with God, and I felt like I was a failure, because my parents were disappointed with the decisions I were making.
The only thing I knew to do to make sure that I was right, was to start from scratch. I had to go back to the place where I last knew I was in the will of God and that, for me, was before I had starting going out with my girlfriend. So, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was understanding and let me go, which hurt me even more, because as far as I could see it, she didn’t think it was worth fighting for me to stay. Little did I know that she was doing the right thing...
So there I was; confused and heartbroken – very much like you are right now. I spent many nights praying and asking for God to speak to me. I didn't hear anything though, but I had been taught that the best way to heal emotionally was to get into God’s Word. God’s Word is what restores, strengthens and purifies us. Jesus asked God the Father to do that through His Word:
John 17:17 (Amplified Bible)
Sanctify them [purify, consecrate, separate them for Yourself, make them holy] by the Truth; Your Word is Truth.
So I read the Bible and wrote down scriptures that pertained to my situation. I read books about God’s Word. I listened to audio teachings on tape and CD and just allowed my mind, will and emotions to change and get in line with God’s thoughts.
I must tell you that there wasn’t an immediate change to my situation. I still cried a lot, (which for a man is a very weird place to be) and I definitely didn’t feel like I was healing emotionally, but I chose to believe God’s Word over my circumstances and feelings.
I found this passage of scripture and spoke it over my life every day. (I’ve highlighted certain parts of the scripture in capital letters for you.):
Psalm 119:89 – 112 (The Message)
89-96
What you say goes, God,
and stays, as permanent as the heavens.
Your truth never goes out of fashion;
it's as up-to-date as the earth when the sun comes up.
Your Word and truth are dependable as ever;
that's what you ordered—you set the earth going.
If your revelation hadn't delighted me so,
I would have given up when the hard times came.
But I'll never forget the advice you gave me;
you saved my life with those wise words.
Save me! I'm all yours.
I look high and low for your words of wisdom.
The wicked lie in ambush to destroy me,
but I'm only concerned with your plans for me.
I see the limits to everything human,
but the horizons can't contain your commands!
97-104 Oh, how I love all you've revealed;
I reverently ponder it all the day long.
Your commands give me an edge on my enemies;
they never become obsolete.
I've even become smarter than my teachers
since I've pondered and absorbed your counsel.
I've become wiser than the wise old sages
simply by doing what you tell me.
I watch my step, avoiding the ditches and ruts of evil
so I can spend all my time keeping your Word.
I NEVER MAKE DETOURS FROM THE ROUTE YOU LAID OUT;
YOU GAVE ME SUCH GOOD DIRECTIONS.
Your words are so choice, so tasty;
I prefer them to the best home cooking.
With your instruction, I understand life;
that's why I hate false propaganda.
105-112 BY YOUR WORDS I CAN SEE WHERE I’M GOING;
THEY THROW A BEAM OF LIGHT ON MY DARK PATH.
I've committed myself and I'll never turn back
from living by your righteous order.
Everything's falling apart on me, God;
put me together again with your Word.
Festoon me with your finest sayings, God;
teach me your holy rules.
My life is as close as my own hands,
but I don't forget what you have revealed.
The wicked do their best to throw me off track,
but I don't swerve an inch from your course.
I inherited your book on living; it's mine forever—
what a gift! And how happy it makes me!
I concentrate on doing exactly what you say—
I always have and always will.
Saying that God was giving me good directions and because of His Word I could see where I was going, was a statement of faith for me. If you had asked me to be honest about things, I would have told you that I didn’t even know if God was still speaking to me, never mind giving me directions. But I knew that faith is what pleases God, so I chose to speak these words in faith, knowing that God’s Word says that He will meet me halfway when I do that.
So, for a month and a half I studied God’s Word, cried at work and in the car on my way home, but all the while, I believed that God was directing me. My ex-girlfriend and I didn’t once speak to each other because we had agreed that we would give each other space to make the right decision. Within a few weeks I started to see why I was feeling guilty and began to ignore those feelings of guilt because they didn’t line up with God’s Word. Once that happened, things became a bit clearer for me and it wasn’t long before I could see that there was no rational reason why I had to break up with my girlfriend.
Once I had that sorted out, I then had to ask myself some serious questions: If I didn’t have to break up with my girlfriend, then did that mean that we were “marriage material”? Of course, I wasn’t going to just jump back into the relationship if I wasn’t sure that I would marry my ex-girlfriend. That would mean that I would break up with her again in the future and I didn’t want to put her through all that pain again.
When God tells us to do something, it doesn’t make sense to others why we’re doing it, and it doesn’t matter how much we try to explain to them, they just don’t understand. If God speaks to you, you will know it. It will be such an absolute understanding of what to do that the only way to explain why you’re doing it, is because you “just know”.
I had that “knowing” and that is what gave me the courage to go through the next year. 2 months after the break-up, I told my parents that I was going to propose to my ex-girlfriend. My father didn’t agree with my decision, so he disowned me. But remember, I KNEW that I was doing the right thing. After proposing, all of the wedding plans were under way, but my parents wanted nothing to do with it. I paid for most of our wedding, which for a guy who had just moved out on his own, was a pretty tough thing to do, but I KNEW what had to be done. My parents didn’t come to our engagement party, and as hurtful as that was I KNEW what I had to do. I pushed forward with what God had given me to do.
Well, I am now happily married for 4 ½ years and I praise God! My parents have made a complete turnaround and love my wife like their own daughter and my wife loves them like her own parents! God has done amazing things in our lives, but it all started with faith. We had to believe that God would do this:
Roman 8:28 (Amplified Bible)
We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their (YOUR) labour] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those (YOU) who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.
(I added the words in capital letters there.)
“ALL THINGS work together ... for good” when we do things God’s Way and that, is what you need to hold onto in these difficult times. Like you said; you understand that this is a process. I know that for you every day just seems to drag along but it all comes down to taking it one day at a time. God works in the small things. The pain will go away in time, but what needs to happen in the meantime, is that you need to hold onto your hope in Christ. You need to be confident that no matter how you feel right now, your future is still a bright one; filled with God’s goodness, and that no matter what your world looks like right now, God has your best in mind.
When you wake up each day and you remember the pain again, speak to God about it, but in a positive way. I'm not saying that you should thank God for the pain, but rather that you should thank Him for giving you the day and that even though you are hurting, this day will be another great opportunity for you to move forward. Because you know God is right there listening, you can be confident that He is helping you to move forward.
I mentioned earlier that I felt really hurt by the fact that my girlfriend didn’t “seem” to fight to keep me from breaking up with her, in fact, our break up was too easy. I found myself trying to convince her to keep the relationship together, but she just told me that if I felt that it was best to break up, than I should go with that. I didn’t know it at the time, but what she did was crucial to me later making the right decisions. Here’s why:
Saying that God was giving me good directions and because of His Word I could see where I was going, was a statement of faith for me. If you had asked me to be honest about things, I would have told you that I didn’t even know if God was still speaking to me, never mind giving me directions. But I knew that faith is what pleases God, so I chose to speak these words in faith, knowing that God’s Word says that He will meet me halfway when I do that.
So, for a month and a half I studied God’s Word, cried at work and in the car on my way home, but all the while, I believed that God was directing me. My ex-girlfriend and I didn’t once speak to each other because we had agreed that we would give each other space to make the right decision. Within a few weeks I started to see why I was feeling guilty and began to ignore those feelings of guilt because they didn’t line up with God’s Word. Once that happened, things became a bit clearer for me and it wasn’t long before I could see that there was no rational reason why I had to break up with my girlfriend.
Once I had that sorted out, I then had to ask myself some serious questions: If I didn’t have to break up with my girlfriend, then did that mean that we were “marriage material”? Of course, I wasn’t going to just jump back into the relationship if I wasn’t sure that I would marry my ex-girlfriend. That would mean that I would break up with her again in the future and I didn’t want to put her through all that pain again.
When God tells us to do something, it doesn’t make sense to others why we’re doing it, and it doesn’t matter how much we try to explain to them, they just don’t understand. If God speaks to you, you will know it. It will be such an absolute understanding of what to do that the only way to explain why you’re doing it, is because you “just know”.
I had that “knowing” and that is what gave me the courage to go through the next year. 2 months after the break-up, I told my parents that I was going to propose to my ex-girlfriend. My father didn’t agree with my decision, so he disowned me. But remember, I KNEW that I was doing the right thing. After proposing, all of the wedding plans were under way, but my parents wanted nothing to do with it. I paid for most of our wedding, which for a guy who had just moved out on his own, was a pretty tough thing to do, but I KNEW what had to be done. My parents didn’t come to our engagement party, and as hurtful as that was I KNEW what I had to do. I pushed forward with what God had given me to do.
Well, I am now happily married for 4 ½ years and I praise God! My parents have made a complete turnaround and love my wife like their own daughter and my wife loves them like her own parents! God has done amazing things in our lives, but it all started with faith. We had to believe that God would do this:
Roman 8:28 (Amplified Bible)
We are assured and know that [God being a partner in their (YOUR) labour] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those (YOU) who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose.
(I added the words in capital letters there.)
“ALL THINGS work together ... for good” when we do things God’s Way and that, is what you need to hold onto in these difficult times. Like you said; you understand that this is a process. I know that for you every day just seems to drag along but it all comes down to taking it one day at a time. God works in the small things. The pain will go away in time, but what needs to happen in the meantime, is that you need to hold onto your hope in Christ. You need to be confident that no matter how you feel right now, your future is still a bright one; filled with God’s goodness, and that no matter what your world looks like right now, God has your best in mind.
When you wake up each day and you remember the pain again, speak to God about it, but in a positive way. I'm not saying that you should thank God for the pain, but rather that you should thank Him for giving you the day and that even though you are hurting, this day will be another great opportunity for you to move forward. Because you know God is right there listening, you can be confident that He is helping you to move forward.
I mentioned earlier that I felt really hurt by the fact that my girlfriend didn’t “seem” to fight to keep me from breaking up with her, in fact, our break up was too easy. I found myself trying to convince her to keep the relationship together, but she just told me that if I felt that it was best to break up, than I should go with that. I didn’t know it at the time, but what she did was crucial to me later making the right decisions. Here’s why:
Emotions are very convincing, and if we allow ourselves to be emotionally charged by a situation, we will make decisions that line up with those emotions. You’ve told me that you haven’t contacted your ex-boyfriend in any way since the break-up, which is good. You’re giving him room to make a decision regarding your place in his life. I know that this is difficult for you because you are the one who has been “broken up with”. You feel rejected and that makes the pain so much worse. My wife lost close to 20 pounds after our break up because she was so depressed and had lost her appetite all because she felt like I had rejected her. But she held onto the promise that God had good things for her future. Whether that future included me or not was unknown to her, but she knew that God would always be part of her future and that was a source of comfort.
My point is that you should give yourself and your boyfriend space to make the right decisions and time to make a choice that isn’t influenced by emotions. You say that you deeply believe that this is the man that you are to marry, but until he knows that, there is nothing you can do. By giving him space, you will allow God to move in his life and that is the best thing that you could ever do for him. Putting yourself back in his life will only hinder what God is doing, which means that you could lose him. I am so grateful that my wife was strong enough to let me go. I still believe that during those difficult times, she was stronger than me, and because of that God was able to move in the way He wanted to.
The main thought I want to leave you with is this: whether your boyfriend is the man you are to marry or not, your hope shouldn’t be in him. Yes, you are hurting for him, but ultimately God is your hope.
Apply this scripture in your life:
1 Peter 5:6, 7
6Therefore humble yourselves [demote, lower yourselves in your own estimation] under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you, 7Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.
This is not a hard and fast rule; but regarding your ex-boyfriend’s details being on your phone, maybe you should delete them. By deleting his details, you are showing yourself that the situation is not in your hands anymore. You have given your care to God and He is taking care of the situation. Also, it will stop you from wondering whether you should call or not. As I said earlier, if your ex-boyfriend is your future husband, then he needs to come to that conclusion on his own, which means that he will need to get hold of you. Either way, you can delete his number - by faith. You’re trusting that if he is the right one, God will speak to him and he will call you, and if he isn’t the right one, God will provide. In both cases, you won’t need his number.
I’ve asked God to speak to you through this letter, so read it as exactly that: God speaking to you. If there is anything else that you want to talk about, I am always available, so please don’t hesitate to write me again.
Remember: one day at a time.
Daryl
