Choices

You got me thinking on the way home about choices. Choices that I've made for God.

Lots of the daily choices I've been making these few days, every day to spend time with God, pull from His word, ask for prayer and showing weakness and to try and hear His voice for what He wants, though there has been stuff (emotionally-driven) that I've wanted so so much. Lots of these choices have been motivated by the fact that...I've been broken so far to a place of complete vulnerability and I'm desperate enough to try anything, as well as knowing I have nothing left. There are other things in my life that I love doing. WoW, dance music, any number of things. But I think I saw that night just only how far any of those things could take me in life, and would have my back? Only this far. And I'm realising that it was by the grace of God that He helped me see these things instantly, that I didn't have to try and fix myself in some terribly unhealthy way to numb or drive down the pain. That I only had to go run, and not have to put myself through anything even more unhealthy. So I'm very grateful to God to protecting me at the time.

I'm slowly getting used to being in a place where I know no matter what I do, nothing will ever satisfy, fulfill me except God. And that makes Him so beautiful to me, and makes me want to make the right choices, because why would I not want to spend my time and heart pursuing the treasure that saves me, that is the best for me? I remember going to army yesterday morning and seeing everything with new eyes, knowing that I wasn't the same person, having been brought to the face of my limitations, and bombarded with everything every which way, in the war within me for my soul. Knowing I was walking wounded and knowing who was the God who saved me. So surreal. I'll never be the same. I never want to be the same, that's for sure. I'm different. So different, and I don't know if its better yet, but I'm so different. And I'm just following because - well what else do I have? And why would I pick anything else right now?

I think a lot about the choices I made for God a few months ago too. Choices that were hard every single day, choices that I never wanted to make until God gave me an ultimatum in making them. Choices that I was very grateful that God finally gave me the strength to do - until the cost started coming and and I couldn't figure out why I ever wanted to do that. Wanted to lose everything, regretting that I ever wanted to even though deep down I know, and still know that there was no alternative. Still angry at myself sometimes, angry at God, but I know that is because of fear. Fear that that when you give up everything for God, He doesn't give you the best for you. That anger happens a lot less often now.

And I know deep down that for all the mistakes I made about us, and making that decision, it wasn't easy for me too and I did it because I gave it all up for God. Everything we had. Which I knew wasn't good things that we had, but over the past few days, I haven't wanted to lose anyway. I thought maybe I could get away with not feeling the pain, or that what I did feel initially was all it was, but it did come, and I have never been more humbled.

But I guess at the end of the day it was a choice for God. And you reminded me that for all that sucked about that choice, it was a "small victory" (the very word I used to describe it last Thursday), and for what it is and worth, God will honor it. One day. And it falls to me to not demean it, to not give up on it, to not disown it.

The crazy thing is that I know I'm not at that point yet. I know I'm at a place where in some ways - making the decisions to be with God is easier. Because I'm still in a place where I have nothing else left besides Him, and I'm hurting, and who else am I going to turn to but Him? I'm still making choices, but they aren't as hard right now because God is wrapped around me, soothingly guiding me. And I am so grateful that He knows I need this. So, so grateful.

But one day another hard choice is going to happen and I'm actually going to have stuff to give up again and it will fall to me to make that choice. And God will let me because He loves me. And when that day comes - I'm scared I'll make another mistake again - but I know God's grace is enough for me. I don't have to do it alone. So we'll see. But I want to prepare for it.

Till then I live in the hope that whenever I make a choice for God, wise or foolish with whatever consequences, because my heart was for God, He is doing something with that. Because I loved Him. That it matters less what I made than how I made it.

He knows, and I'll be okay.


Don't know how much of this letter made sense to read, but thank you for getting this far.
Thank you for being you.

See you soon, I hope :)