Not done here.

I guess You remind me every day that I still have to choose You, and that we're not done here yet.

Its been a week of victories, I think. Sometimes I don't think I know too sure victories for what, but I guess victories for my faith in You. But we're not done here. In ways I wish we were.

I...the past two days have been a bit of a blur. After learning everything I've learnt since Tuesday-Wednesday, the past couple of days have been about putting it into practice, testing that. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm 21. 

Feels like I've grown 3 or 4 years in a week. And yet, still only 21.

I was so happy yesterday, from early afternoon on. I don't even understand why. And feelings aren't the most important things I guess maybe? But it was nice to be. Was laughing and smiling at everyone and singing and singing and singing and I wasn't sure why, I just was pretty sure I wasn't faking it. Started thinking and praying about futures, and hitting up old good friends on Facebook. Messing around. Went out with some of the older cell gang after cell for prata and sitting about frozen yoghurt places till like 2am, and we talked and talked and talked, and at some point I actually felt like I could dance again, though I'm still not sure.

Maybe the peace is God's grace. Idk.

Then I wake up in the morning and I'm a little bit exhausted all over again. I actually don't want to be. Haha.

In ways I just want all of this to be over. Moving on to the next step. I do. Because You truly are more than enough. And I'd like to dance and sing and move ahead and praise You. Then I think about what You reminded me about yesterday, which stopped me in my tracks even as I was bouncing around cell. In fact, I spent the rest of the night being a little bit confused and annoyed at that, like, "Why-?"

Then I realised just before I went to bed just Whose commands I was doubting, and getting annoyed at, and it terrified me that I was treating it like that.

Keann you have no business reacting like that to a command that your High King gives you. You still have a choice yes, but remember with what attitude you should come. He is Your Father but also Your King. 

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And I want wisdom. I'm damn well going to treat a command, even a suggestion, with the respect and reverence it deserves.

Rr.

I wonder what I'm going to do today. I have a few important things to do, but I think I might wanna get outside and walk around for a bit first. I really hope to see everyone around today, I wish service wasn't quite so speedy sometimes.

Guide me Lord please. You are the hope of my salvation and it is to You I want to cling. I guess you're still refining me to make that choice every day, showing me that I need to. Whatever You are burning into me Lord, let it be a lasting work. A lasting work - that my eyes will turn to You. Rah.

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. - Psalm 121:2

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. - Psalm 143:8

Eyes on You.

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. - Job 23:10

Not my own understanding Lord, but Yours, I guess?

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Side-note: And the words of the LORD are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times. - Psalm 12:6

^ Just realised this is talking about Jesus!! Jesus is the word of God, and it was made perfect because it was proven, because He had to make his own choice to give up everything to save us! And the furnace of clay is when He was human...I wonder what the seven times of purification is.

Rah.