Written in service, after worship.

I'm still so drained now.

Just before I left for church, I guess I realized I wanted to get strong again really fast because I looked at his Facebook again and I wanted to become really amazing in God again to impress you, to help you get better, to give you a reason to want to be with me.

God rocked that pretty quickly in worship.

 I can't do it that way. That can't be my motivation for doing anything, as tempting as it is to buy into.

I guess I'm going to have to take as long as it takes to love God properly for God. Not for you. I want to. No matter how long it takes and whether I can compare to anyone else or not.

No matter how weak it makes my character look as I (maybe) take really long to put God front and centre in my life again, and further.

I have to consecrate my life to God, regardless of you or not. You can't be a priority.

Its tempting to stay in a sad state as long as you might be, to not leave you behind. Its equally compelling to fix myself as quickly as possible to give you a person to draw strength from, to fall in love with. I'd do it. Because I love you and I'm crazily willing to do whatever it takes.

But he who loves his life loses it; and he who hates his life in this world shall keep it to life eternal. - John 12:25

I have this wrenching feeling that even if I did either one of those things, I might lose you anyway.

I guess I have to love God whether I have you or not. I don't know how long it'll take me to heal and change, missing you, missing us, forgiving myself for betraying your trust.  I don't know how strong or weak it'll make me look.

I hope I'll see you one day. I really do. I don't know that I'll ever not love you.

I'm going to figure out what "Look to Me, but wait for her" means.

But I have to look to Him.

I don't know what you'll choose. But regardless, I choose God.

I hope that we'll find each other on the same team again, one day.

Maybe there is grace for that.

I love You Lord. Thank You for being here.

And I still love you. I hope I'm not hurting you anymore with anything I'm saying. God, please give us grace for that. You can cover my weakness in words.

Please grow in God, okay you? Hoping and praying for that is the best way I can care for you.

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

This is my goal for how I feel about you. Requited or not.

I'll see you soon.