You are my Comfort.

If you spoke to me anytime in the past two hours you would have found me a raging mess. Sometimes I think I'm okay. Sometimes I think I think I see something, some key, something to grab ahold to. Sometimes I am happy. Then something else hits me and I evaporate into so much emotional vapor, staring at that little green dot next to your name, wishing I could click on it and knowing I cannot, wishing that the next call or Facebook popup has your name on it, or a string of international numbers I don't recognize. So envious of how much fun you're having, terrified you're going to fall in love with him, wishing I wasn't this much of a wreck, and yet not wanting to tear this covenant - which we don't have anymore - out of my heart.

I wish I didn't have to. I'm so happy with you. Makes me want to believe that before I have to tear out part of my heart, you'll choose me and then I won't have to.

I have some thoughts but let's start from the beginning:

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God is love (1 John 4:8 -But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.)

We know that God is a jealous God (Exo 20:5 - for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods.)

Yet love isn't jealous? (1 Cor 13:4-8 - Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.)

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Was trying to figure this out. I asked Hannah about it, who pointed out that the kind of jealousy that God has is the jealousy that is natural in relationship, the jealousy that stems from two individuals being in one covenant. As opposed to the jealousy regarded in Corinthians which is described as "envy" in other translations, and the Hebrew. And the difference between the two is that envy is coveting something you don't have.

So jealousy = not liking something that is yours being taken away from you.

While envy = wanting something that is not yours. And that is not love.

God is jealous for us because we are in a covenant, a committed relationship with Him. In a relationship, both parties need to choose each other. God has always already chosen us. And we chose Him when we said yes to being in a relationship with Him.

And jealousy hurts.

The thing is... unlike God...I have no right to jealousy. When you and I broke up, we ended things. It wasn't a breach of the commitment, it was an ending. And I have no right to any jealousy because I don't have you anymore. I still feel it. I'm so scared that I'm losing you. But the thing is - I don't have you to lose. That sucks so much. I don't want to admit it. Letting go is really hard. I really really don't want to ): I still want that porch one day. But if I don't, I guess that I know - while writing these stark words that stare back at me - all that "jealousy" really is just false love. And in this case true love is letting you go.

This sucks.

I guess if we ever do have anything one day, its probably a better idea to start anew. Though its so compelling to keep whatever I have for that #maybeoneday when you might choose us. Cause its so scary and hard to tear it out. So scary to think of having the rest of life without you.

Love is a choice. And I want want want want to choose you so much. But until you (if) do, its probably unhealthy for me to choose you every single day.(PROBABLY, KEANN? YOU DON'T SAY.) I have to choose God, and only God right now, because as much as my feelings scream at me otherwise, deep down I know that's all I have left. (You know, besides parents and stuff). Not saying its not bloody hard. Don't want to let go. Don't always want to admit I know I have to.

I guess if we ever start anything anew...we have to start it anew. Nothing I can hold onto here. (Sigh). Don't really know how to do that yet, but I hope to God that I will.

Well there. I banged this out. Seems to have taken me forever to.

I miss you.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

                                        (Psalm 51)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jer 29:11)

Seems crazy. But You are my hope. Hope that I will learn to hope.

Friends would be nice right about now. But I guess I know God will give me whatever I need, including them. He has been. So grateful for everyone. Please take me out more please, guys?

Oi I'm not the crazy ex >: So much for being the amazing best guy :|

I need to spend time with God for God, without you being a compelling factor in it.

Owell.

Still missing you. I hope you have the best essay and the best night and the best week. Get some rest k? I hope God gives you the best night.

Goodnight world.