Sitting on the steps outside the ambs room asking God what my purpose in life is
Mmm.
I mean, I love God. That's a definite. And I love worship. That is beyond everything. I love the safeness, the trust, the beauty of God in music, the excitement, everything.
But, then what?
Do I love people that much? I mean, I love me. And I love God. But I love people that much?
Why do I want God in my school? Is it out of a love to show them the God that loves me? Or because someone told me it was good to have God in my school?
Is it because of the excitement of it?
I think, right now, its because I've said its something I want to stand for. And that I'm sticking to it. And I def want God's name to be lifted higher. I want to see his wonders everywhere. I want the freedom to worship God, wherever, whenever.
But is it wonders for wonders sake? And freedom for freedom's sake? I mean, freedom is awesome. And safety is great, and really sweet.
But I think I've been focusing on the themes rather than the people.
Which is great in its own way. Its great for personal stuff, and stuff with friends. And building big occasions. Which is awesome.
But people.
I think I've been unwilling to run into people. To say I've a heart for people. Because I'm afraid of getting hurt. So I'm holding back.
What now, then God?
I'm aware that if you've called me into ministry, I cannot be in it out of who I've stood up to be.
It needs to be driven out of a powerful, love, for people. For people who don't care about me. For people who will let me down.
It can't always be me and my crazy bunch of friends.
Give me that love, God. I think? I think I am willing, though i still shirk away.
We can't just be conquering just for conquering's sake.
Though you are sweet, God. You're really, really sweet. Thank you, I have so, so much to thank you for, you're amazing.
You've said that love will flow naturally. Will you let it? I don't want to be keeping it all to myself.
I guess, keep looking at you. I guess that's what this break is for. Shape me, God, even if its slow. I know life isn't about just living it, its about You, but practically, what does that mean.
Break my heart for what breaks yours, Dad.
But thank you for always loving me anyway, gosh, I must be a chore.
Haha. Give me time (:
-hug-
-doublehugs-
Give me the love, God. Love to love.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
March 15 2010
Not a single day in the past three weeks have I gone to bed not thinking of Rachael, and wake up thinking of her.
Its crazy.
Hahahhah God. Why. I miss her like crazy, I'm so in love with this girl, I thank you so much for this. I've waited so long for this, it makes it so worth it. So, so worth it. All the hurts, all the rejections, all the loneliness, and so I appreciate like crazy that you've let this happen. Gosh, its unimaginable. Craazyyyyy.
Hahahha well Dad. I wanna worship you now. I want my life for you. Will you give me time with you? Time to learn from your Word as well, let me hear you. Yeah.
Ah (: Let me talk with you, for real.
------------
I'm in a mode of too much 'spiritual'? And always trying to push the boundaries of worship, and talking to you, but I'm not pursuing the other parts as much.
Doing. Doing in worship. Learning from your Word, applying it, honouring the family, helping out around the house
How do I do in worship, God?
I love sitting in your presence. I'm in a season where its time to start doing. Breakthrough comes from there.
From where?
Family. Not anywhere else. I mean, cell and stuff yeah.
What are the things of God?
Family.
Hokay. Can I worship you though?
Yeah, but don't get so caught up in dreams of the world that you don't focus on right here.
I love them too. I love your parents and family like crazy.
That's the challenge.
Doing.
Honouring.
Cleaning the fan, washing, sweeping, helping.
Finding a job to give money
When should I get a job, God? Mid-April?
What about HIP? And all that. And all the freelance stuff.
Don't worry about that this week. Okay. Next week we start hitting.
Yeah.
Get busconcession dad? Yeah. Haircut? Yeah. Haha. Uh.
Mark
Rachael
kiss
family
growth
Pearl
Nat
La/Howai
Josh
Josh Simon
Yeah. What do I do about me and Josh Simon, God.
Wait. Okay.
I don't want this to be one of those relationships where it is perceived I only go back to him when he's big.
And so when he's big its too late to.
Yeah. Wait. Got it.
(:
Keenan/Naomi
Hannah/Sam
Our audio project
My family
iCamp
dance/skate/swim/time
Rachael's beautiful, God. Thank you (:
And this is my prayer in the harvest. When favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be empty again. The seed I receive I will sow.
Thank you God (: I understand the season I'm in. Fill me full with the awareness to receive (:
The shaping of me will be long. But so worth it. Be patient. Start with the small things.
I believe that when I worship. When I sing. When I declare. I make a difference. Even if I'm alone. I make a difference.
There is power in words. There is authority given to me.
your first responsibility, is not. A student. It is being God's child. Your first responsibility is not. work. It is being God's child.
I truly believe that.
Songs that I might use for worship this week:
For Who You Are
Desert Song
This Is Our God
Stronger
Hey God. I have tons of issues, I think. Yeah. But just now you told me, that you see my heart. You see my worshipping heart. You see my desire to pursue you and draw closer, and how often I sit in worship with you, and even when its hard for me to do things, or hard for me to read the Bible because I find it boring, you love me so much for my heart. Thank you. And you will honour me. You will honour the time spent in worship to You. You already have.
I mean, yes, start small. Start with helping out around the family. Start with honouring them. But you're glad that I do the worship. You see it, even if no one else does (:
You are the reason for my being, God. I can thank no other. Wow. You will shape me, it will take time, don't feel bad that this is my first cell ugh what am I doing, why do I need so much supervision and stuff, La had to start somewhere too, and now she's 22, and all that.
Not that I should care about age or time or comparing, anyway. Yeah.
As for reading the Bible, and devotion time, its time to challenge myself to do so without music. To do so without worship songs. To do it in quiet. Hmmm. You're in the quietness as well God, as much as I need stuff going on.
And memorize verses huh. Start memorizing stuff. Inspiration: Book Of Eli. 30 years reading the bible and in the end he memorized the whole thing and became the Bible.
HIP/SSM is going to be a time of healing. A time where I can get to know the others better, and share my fear that I'm someone who so often jumps for the exciting and frivolous but finds it hard to commit to the down and dirty. That I'm all flash and no substance. Because that fear does plague me, because I do find it hard to sit down and endure the boring stuff. And you're just going to affirm me, and remove that part of my identity.
Yeah.
Looking so forward to it (:
Verse to memorize today:
(because we should keep your word in our hearts)
Now someone may argue, "Some people have faith; others have good deeds." But I say, "How can you show me your faith if you don't have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds."
James 2:18
Yeah (:
Its crazy.
Hahahhah God. Why. I miss her like crazy, I'm so in love with this girl, I thank you so much for this. I've waited so long for this, it makes it so worth it. So, so worth it. All the hurts, all the rejections, all the loneliness, and so I appreciate like crazy that you've let this happen. Gosh, its unimaginable. Craazyyyyy.
Hahahha well Dad. I wanna worship you now. I want my life for you. Will you give me time with you? Time to learn from your Word as well, let me hear you. Yeah.
Ah (: Let me talk with you, for real.
------------
I'm in a mode of too much 'spiritual'? And always trying to push the boundaries of worship, and talking to you, but I'm not pursuing the other parts as much.
Doing. Doing in worship. Learning from your Word, applying it, honouring the family, helping out around the house
How do I do in worship, God?
I love sitting in your presence. I'm in a season where its time to start doing. Breakthrough comes from there.
From where?
Family. Not anywhere else. I mean, cell and stuff yeah.
What are the things of God?
Family.
Hokay. Can I worship you though?
Yeah, but don't get so caught up in dreams of the world that you don't focus on right here.
I love them too. I love your parents and family like crazy.
That's the challenge.
Doing.
Honouring.
Cleaning the fan, washing, sweeping, helping.
Finding a job to give money
When should I get a job, God? Mid-April?
What about HIP? And all that. And all the freelance stuff.
Don't worry about that this week. Okay. Next week we start hitting.
Yeah.
Get busconcession dad? Yeah. Haircut? Yeah. Haha. Uh.
Mark
Rachael
kiss
family
growth
Pearl
Nat
La/Howai
Josh
Josh Simon
Yeah. What do I do about me and Josh Simon, God.
Wait. Okay.
I don't want this to be one of those relationships where it is perceived I only go back to him when he's big.
And so when he's big its too late to.
Yeah. Wait. Got it.
(:
Keenan/Naomi
Hannah/Sam
Our audio project
My family
iCamp
dance/skate/swim/time
Rachael's beautiful, God. Thank you (:
And this is my prayer in the harvest. When favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be empty again. The seed I receive I will sow.
Thank you God (: I understand the season I'm in. Fill me full with the awareness to receive (:
The shaping of me will be long. But so worth it. Be patient. Start with the small things.
I believe that when I worship. When I sing. When I declare. I make a difference. Even if I'm alone. I make a difference.
There is power in words. There is authority given to me.
your first responsibility, is not. A student. It is being God's child. Your first responsibility is not. work. It is being God's child.
I truly believe that.
Songs that I might use for worship this week:
For Who You Are
Desert Song
This Is Our God
Stronger
Hey God. I have tons of issues, I think. Yeah. But just now you told me, that you see my heart. You see my worshipping heart. You see my desire to pursue you and draw closer, and how often I sit in worship with you, and even when its hard for me to do things, or hard for me to read the Bible because I find it boring, you love me so much for my heart. Thank you. And you will honour me. You will honour the time spent in worship to You. You already have.
I mean, yes, start small. Start with helping out around the family. Start with honouring them. But you're glad that I do the worship. You see it, even if no one else does (:
You are the reason for my being, God. I can thank no other. Wow. You will shape me, it will take time, don't feel bad that this is my first cell ugh what am I doing, why do I need so much supervision and stuff, La had to start somewhere too, and now she's 22, and all that.
Not that I should care about age or time or comparing, anyway. Yeah.
As for reading the Bible, and devotion time, its time to challenge myself to do so without music. To do so without worship songs. To do it in quiet. Hmmm. You're in the quietness as well God, as much as I need stuff going on.
And memorize verses huh. Start memorizing stuff. Inspiration: Book Of Eli. 30 years reading the bible and in the end he memorized the whole thing and became the Bible.
HIP/SSM is going to be a time of healing. A time where I can get to know the others better, and share my fear that I'm someone who so often jumps for the exciting and frivolous but finds it hard to commit to the down and dirty. That I'm all flash and no substance. Because that fear does plague me, because I do find it hard to sit down and endure the boring stuff. And you're just going to affirm me, and remove that part of my identity.
Yeah.
Looking so forward to it (:
Verse to memorize today:
(because we should keep your word in our hearts)
Now someone may argue, "Some people have faith; others have good deeds." But I say, "How can you show me your faith if you don't have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds."
James 2:18
Yeah (:
Saturday, March 13, 2010
March 13 - 2010
March 13 - 2010
Music Makes Everything Better
Ahhhh. Its 7.22am, I'm happy, stepped out into the azure mists that was the 7am sky, and as I got to the skate park, it changed into a lilac, chiffon, baby blue hue.
I hope I know what chiffon is. Haha. Well, yes its really nice here, sitting here at the top of the skatepark, shoes off, feet touching the cool metal, Kristina Debarge is playing, and I hope to start worship at some point :D
:D
Ahhhh. Fell asleep early, woke up at 630 feeling really good, my first thoughts were
1. Damn, I feel really good, awesome sleep
2. Rachael, so awesome (:
Its been like that for ages. I wake up, and its her smile that hits me the moment I wake up, she's who I'm thinking of before I go to bed, right before I fall asleep thanking God for everything.
Its been pretty crazy. Haha ahhhhh. My heart sings. There's not a happier song than morning birds chirping, and that goes on so often now its pretty nuts..
Turned off my music. Haha. Nature sounds right now, this 730am, are pretty awesome as well. Its a cool, cool misty morning. I literally skated down onto the path outside my place, watching the maids walking the dogs in the green fields, and was like 'wow'. 'this happens every day, what have i been missing'
And its a city.
Bet its crazier in Australia. The sky blue-er than I've ever seen before. I'll bet. Rachael tells me. Haha. Ahhhh happy birds.
Nuts.
So what was I going to talk about? The past couple of days. Yeah.
Thank You God (: You're amazing (: Help me to ever not take this for granted, I've prayed so much for this, given so much of my love life to You, waited and waited and waited, and its inexplicable somehow that this is happening now. Crazy. That you'd see I was lonely, even though I was happy, and you set aside someone for me that would like me back. Pretty awesome. Hahhaha siighhhhh. I could gush more but I guess I'll never get to the point. Haha. Keep me a romantic, God, for when it really matters :p
Three weeks ago, I never knew this would happen. Three weeks ago, I was still dying in work, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, trusting you, having great friends, knowing you would bring me through it, but not quite sure how at this moment.
And then Rachael happened. Crazy. If this is the reward for the trial, just wow (: (: (: (: (: (: (:
Hahahhaha (: (: (: (: (: (: (:
I still want to put down a journal entry about how it happened. A really, sweet, cringe-worthy, sappy one. I remember it reaaaaallllly clearly. I also kinda have to :p
Just in case. In the future. Its the kind of stuff I want to remember if i don't ever want to be doghoused :P
But I want to (:
For instance:
I've been noting down what she's been wearing every time we see each other. Its an investment. hahahaha. Uh.
1 - Friday night - 19th Feb
- Red checkered shirt, denim shorts
- blue-white striped bikini
- black EVERYONE shirts, frumpy brown white shorts
-had goofy orange cambodian pajamas
- white shirt, blue denim shorts (next morning)
2. Sat Church - 27th Sat (1st service together, 1 week on)
- White/Black dress thing...
3. Sat Church - 6th march (2nd service together, 2 weeks on - UM. I FORGOT ><)
- I KNOW. BLUE -SHIRT. BLUE JEANS. HOOP EARRINGS. Gorgeous (:
4. Thursday Afternoon 1pm - 4pm, 11 March (3 weeks)
- First outside meeting
- Talked about boundaries and stuff
- frolick
- gorgeous red top, blue denim shorts, sexy as hell
- sunny outside (:
HAHAHHAHAHA. ITS SO CHEATER.
But yeah. I'm a smart one ><
I also find it really, funny. Owell. hahaha. But yeah (: I don't ever want to talk any of our meetings for granted. I don't want it to become stale.
But at the same time, I don't want each meeting to be a complete romantic explosion, I mean, we want to just be friends, and that can't really happen if we place such a significance on each meeting? :/
On that note, yesterday was wonderful, but I completely missed what she was wearing. Arrrgh >< SLIPPERS. SHE WAS WEARING SLIPPERS. AND A DARK TOP. But I can't remember if its the 'Everyone' top! Arrrrgh. Um. Shorts or jeans? I'm pretty sure......shorts? YES. I REMEMBER LOOKING AT LEGS IN HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM.
I feel like such a pervert now. La. I am ashamed. Not really. Haha. Sigh.
There we goooooo. Your mercy is forever, God :p
Well (:
Its a beautiful day, God. Skies are moving, dark and light clouds serenely shifting past each other, birds dancing around trees, your light shining down, mist fading -
its pretty crazy. Haha. Thank you for letting me be here. Thank you for helping me understand the value of time, the value of -in this moment- Let this be something I never lose, I don't want to be running forward so hard I forget to look around.
Because you create all this beauty just because
Mmmmm (:
Well. I want to do the boundaries thing at some point. Think I could write it together? Okay, I'll write it now, and copy paste it into an Email, for La, Hannah, Cerise, Rachael, Josh, the whole bunch. Or maybe not Josh yet. In case I get something wrong and Rachael wants to correct it. Yeah (:
Ahhhhh (:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boundaries & Guidelines for staying friends
1. Physical Affection
Everything off limits but goodbye hugs. - And considering we usually only see each other once a week...man. Haha. But its been good, this has been in place for awhile, and I love it, honestly (:
2. Phone Calls
No limit but - we don't want this to be a legal, time, duration thing, before we start looking forward it to too much, and squeezing what we can in during these 'special phone calls'. We've already not been calling each other, a long romantic one only like once, and we're not going to go there again (:
its more like - what we talk about. Which I'll talk about in a bit. But talking about stuff only normal friends do, instead of each other, a phone call can't last that long anyway. We want our lives together to be about what we're doing, not each other, at least not right now (:
So, proactive, limiting of this on both sides. Just not calling when we don't need to, understanding the effect we'll have on each other, and because once we set into a regular pattern, its hard to stop (:
3. Msn, Skype Chat, Facebook Chat
This is what we've been doing more. Talking on this almost every night. We've fallen into a pattern where I come home knowing that I'm going to see her on, and that I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, yesterday, and all that. And I love it. I just know she's going to be there.
Well...because the nature of phone calls is different from chat, where the relationship is built by the knowing that "the other person is always going to be there if I want to share something, across my three hours online", as opposed to hearing the person's voice.....
The intention for now, again, is limiting it by what we say and talk about, but I'll cover that in a little bit.
Otherwise: Finding a friend on chat that I would talk to more than Rachael. And vice versa, for her. For me, that would be Keenan or something. Or Angie. Idk. we'll see how this goes in a couple of weeks (again I'll cover this in a bit)
4. Going Out
No 'only-us' dates. Haha. That's it. No one on ones, e.g. having Hannah with us at the ropes playground yesterday night really made a difference, so no one on ones. Yeah (:
5. What we say to each other
This is the big one that all our interactions come under. What we sayyyy.
No: - I miss yous
- you looked amazing/gorgeous/so beautiful today (which she does, though :p)
- you're amazing, the way you make me feel/I was thinking of you/you made me smile this morning first thing when I woke up
I mean, we pretty much know that its a given on both sides, but we're going to step away from our urge to confirm it, or find out whether the other is feeling the same way that we do, but just trust that its there :p Cause it is :p
So, nothing like that. Nothing that normal friends wouldn't say to each other, but instead talking about normal stuff. What happened today, you know, stuff that happened, instead of each other. And the idea is that, our private conversations are checked like this, they can't sustain themselves too long without talking about how we feel and all that :D
We worked this out on Thursday, and we did this on Thursday night/Friday, and I'm so proud of her :D Especially because we didn't start talking about how awesome our boundaries and everything worked out, which is one of our guidelines as well....
6. No assessing the relationship with each other (2 weeks)
Its soooo easy to fall into a "omigosh today worked out so great, how we did, you know, we have to be careful about this, and do this, and not do this" conversation everytime we hang out, or every day that we spend talking, e.g., I really wanted to do this on Friday, but I remembered. And I trusted that Rachael was thinking about the same thing as well, so I didn't have to say "let's not talk about this". Which is awesome. Haha.
I mean, its easy and natural to want to affirm and encourage each other in this, through this, but when we talk about that, we end up talking about each other anyway, in a way that friends don't! And we don't want to fall into that, into being in a relationship while saying we're not!
Though I am absolutely crazy over this girl.
Haha well anyway, if we wanna assess the relationship, talk about what went on in our interactions, and what to watch out for and everything, we'll just talk to one of you guys. La, Hannah, Cerise, Keenan, Sam, Pearl, whoever, but not each other, because that breaks the flow of the friendship we're trying to build. We'll stick to these guidelines for now, see how they go for two weeks, and not talk to each other about changing them.
We might need to change them anyway after two weeks, even if they worked really well, because we don't know what's going to happen and what is still relevant then (:
So this is us. Yeah. Once again its:
1. Physical Affection
- only goodbye hugs
2. Phone Calls
- intentionally not falling into a pattern, what we say
3. Msn, Skype Chat, Facebook Chat
- what we say, and finding a friend
4. Going Out
- no One on Ones, at least a 3-people or more thing
5. What we say to each other
- no romantic stuff, just normal friend stuff
6. No assessing the relationship with each other (2 weeks)
Yeah. But Rachael, I am insanely proud of you, and I'm soooooo happy that you're always meeting me halfway on this, and I'm so happy that we're doing this. Its crazy. You're amazing, thank you (:
Anyway, its not like we're boring old stogies keeping ourselves from fun. We found out that a friendship can be tons of fun as well, last night on Facebook and everything was the beginning of that. I noticed :p
So yeah (: What do you think and stuff? Rachael, did I miss anything or screw something up? :p
Thank you guys for being there, you are all totally amazing. Totally feelin' the love :D
(You can bet that I'll probably be spazzing over every single day that Rach and I do something together though, on my journal. Which La has access to. Haha. Sigh. Its never something I really want to forget. Imma hopeless romantic (: )
------------------------------------------
There we go. Haha. Uh. Well....I kinda wanted to talk about the day before, and yesterday, but, I've kinda exhausted my emotional wordspace? Haha. Uh.
Maybe in a bit. But something's probably going to happen today as well....
Ahhhh God. Help me to get it all down. Haha.
Love (:
(gonna go back now, go home, get a drink, and chill out and stuff, cause there are people at the skatepark already, and its hot, and i'm totally shy, For real. Haha. Man.)
(even though they are such totally cool people) (really) (this white dad and his mixed son, and they picked up all the litter from the previous night. wow. But yes I'm totally shy. Haha)
Gonnna goooooooooo (:
Love,
Music Makes Everything Better
Ahhhh. Its 7.22am, I'm happy, stepped out into the azure mists that was the 7am sky, and as I got to the skate park, it changed into a lilac, chiffon, baby blue hue.
I hope I know what chiffon is. Haha. Well, yes its really nice here, sitting here at the top of the skatepark, shoes off, feet touching the cool metal, Kristina Debarge is playing, and I hope to start worship at some point :D
:D
Ahhhh. Fell asleep early, woke up at 630 feeling really good, my first thoughts were
1. Damn, I feel really good, awesome sleep
2. Rachael, so awesome (:
Its been like that for ages. I wake up, and its her smile that hits me the moment I wake up, she's who I'm thinking of before I go to bed, right before I fall asleep thanking God for everything.
Its been pretty crazy. Haha ahhhhh. My heart sings. There's not a happier song than morning birds chirping, and that goes on so often now its pretty nuts..
Turned off my music. Haha. Nature sounds right now, this 730am, are pretty awesome as well. Its a cool, cool misty morning. I literally skated down onto the path outside my place, watching the maids walking the dogs in the green fields, and was like 'wow'. 'this happens every day, what have i been missing'
And its a city.
Bet its crazier in Australia. The sky blue-er than I've ever seen before. I'll bet. Rachael tells me. Haha. Ahhhh happy birds.
Nuts.
So what was I going to talk about? The past couple of days. Yeah.
Thank You God (: You're amazing (: Help me to ever not take this for granted, I've prayed so much for this, given so much of my love life to You, waited and waited and waited, and its inexplicable somehow that this is happening now. Crazy. That you'd see I was lonely, even though I was happy, and you set aside someone for me that would like me back. Pretty awesome. Hahhaha siighhhhh. I could gush more but I guess I'll never get to the point. Haha. Keep me a romantic, God, for when it really matters :p
Three weeks ago, I never knew this would happen. Three weeks ago, I was still dying in work, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, trusting you, having great friends, knowing you would bring me through it, but not quite sure how at this moment.
And then Rachael happened. Crazy. If this is the reward for the trial, just wow (: (: (: (: (: (: (:
Hahahhaha (: (: (: (: (: (: (:
I still want to put down a journal entry about how it happened. A really, sweet, cringe-worthy, sappy one. I remember it reaaaaallllly clearly. I also kinda have to :p
Just in case. In the future. Its the kind of stuff I want to remember if i don't ever want to be doghoused :P
But I want to (:
For instance:
I've been noting down what she's been wearing every time we see each other. Its an investment. hahahaha. Uh.
1 - Friday night - 19th Feb
- Red checkered shirt, denim shorts
- blue-white striped bikini
- black EVERYONE shirts, frumpy brown white shorts
-had goofy orange cambodian pajamas
- white shirt, blue denim shorts (next morning)
2. Sat Church - 27th Sat (1st service together, 1 week on)
- White/Black dress thing...
3. Sat Church - 6th march (2nd service together, 2 weeks on - UM. I FORGOT ><)
- I KNOW. BLUE -SHIRT. BLUE JEANS. HOOP EARRINGS. Gorgeous (:
4. Thursday Afternoon 1pm - 4pm, 11 March (3 weeks)
- First outside meeting
- Talked about boundaries and stuff
- frolick
- gorgeous red top, blue denim shorts, sexy as hell
- sunny outside (:
HAHAHHAHAHA. ITS SO CHEATER.
But yeah. I'm a smart one ><
I also find it really, funny. Owell. hahaha. But yeah (: I don't ever want to talk any of our meetings for granted. I don't want it to become stale.
But at the same time, I don't want each meeting to be a complete romantic explosion, I mean, we want to just be friends, and that can't really happen if we place such a significance on each meeting? :/
On that note, yesterday was wonderful, but I completely missed what she was wearing. Arrrgh >< SLIPPERS. SHE WAS WEARING SLIPPERS. AND A DARK TOP. But I can't remember if its the 'Everyone' top! Arrrrgh. Um. Shorts or jeans? I'm pretty sure......shorts? YES. I REMEMBER LOOKING AT LEGS IN HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM.
I feel like such a pervert now. La. I am ashamed. Not really. Haha. Sigh.
There we goooooo. Your mercy is forever, God :p
Well (:
Its a beautiful day, God. Skies are moving, dark and light clouds serenely shifting past each other, birds dancing around trees, your light shining down, mist fading -
its pretty crazy. Haha. Thank you for letting me be here. Thank you for helping me understand the value of time, the value of -in this moment- Let this be something I never lose, I don't want to be running forward so hard I forget to look around.
Because you create all this beauty just because
Mmmmm (:
Well. I want to do the boundaries thing at some point. Think I could write it together? Okay, I'll write it now, and copy paste it into an Email, for La, Hannah, Cerise, Rachael, Josh, the whole bunch. Or maybe not Josh yet. In case I get something wrong and Rachael wants to correct it. Yeah (:
Ahhhhh (:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boundaries & Guidelines for staying friends
1. Physical Affection
Everything off limits but goodbye hugs. - And considering we usually only see each other once a week...man. Haha. But its been good, this has been in place for awhile, and I love it, honestly (:
2. Phone Calls
No limit but - we don't want this to be a legal, time, duration thing, before we start looking forward it to too much, and squeezing what we can in during these 'special phone calls'. We've already not been calling each other, a long romantic one only like once, and we're not going to go there again (:
its more like - what we talk about. Which I'll talk about in a bit. But talking about stuff only normal friends do, instead of each other, a phone call can't last that long anyway. We want our lives together to be about what we're doing, not each other, at least not right now (:
So, proactive, limiting of this on both sides. Just not calling when we don't need to, understanding the effect we'll have on each other, and because once we set into a regular pattern, its hard to stop (:
3. Msn, Skype Chat, Facebook Chat
This is what we've been doing more. Talking on this almost every night. We've fallen into a pattern where I come home knowing that I'm going to see her on, and that I'm going to talk to her tomorrow, yesterday, and all that. And I love it. I just know she's going to be there.
Well...because the nature of phone calls is different from chat, where the relationship is built by the knowing that "the other person is always going to be there if I want to share something, across my three hours online", as opposed to hearing the person's voice.....
The intention for now, again, is limiting it by what we say and talk about, but I'll cover that in a little bit.
Otherwise: Finding a friend on chat that I would talk to more than Rachael. And vice versa, for her. For me, that would be Keenan or something. Or Angie. Idk. we'll see how this goes in a couple of weeks (again I'll cover this in a bit)
4. Going Out
No 'only-us' dates. Haha. That's it. No one on ones, e.g. having Hannah with us at the ropes playground yesterday night really made a difference, so no one on ones. Yeah (:
5. What we say to each other
This is the big one that all our interactions come under. What we sayyyy.
No: - I miss yous
- you looked amazing/gorgeous/so beautiful today (which she does, though :p)
- you're amazing, the way you make me feel/I was thinking of you/you made me smile this morning first thing when I woke up
I mean, we pretty much know that its a given on both sides, but we're going to step away from our urge to confirm it, or find out whether the other is feeling the same way that we do, but just trust that its there :p Cause it is :p
So, nothing like that. Nothing that normal friends wouldn't say to each other, but instead talking about normal stuff. What happened today, you know, stuff that happened, instead of each other. And the idea is that, our private conversations are checked like this, they can't sustain themselves too long without talking about how we feel and all that :D
We worked this out on Thursday, and we did this on Thursday night/Friday, and I'm so proud of her :D Especially because we didn't start talking about how awesome our boundaries and everything worked out, which is one of our guidelines as well....
6. No assessing the relationship with each other (2 weeks)
Its soooo easy to fall into a "omigosh today worked out so great, how we did, you know, we have to be careful about this, and do this, and not do this" conversation everytime we hang out, or every day that we spend talking, e.g., I really wanted to do this on Friday, but I remembered. And I trusted that Rachael was thinking about the same thing as well, so I didn't have to say "let's not talk about this". Which is awesome. Haha.
I mean, its easy and natural to want to affirm and encourage each other in this, through this, but when we talk about that, we end up talking about each other anyway, in a way that friends don't! And we don't want to fall into that, into being in a relationship while saying we're not!
Though I am absolutely crazy over this girl.
Haha well anyway, if we wanna assess the relationship, talk about what went on in our interactions, and what to watch out for and everything, we'll just talk to one of you guys. La, Hannah, Cerise, Keenan, Sam, Pearl, whoever, but not each other, because that breaks the flow of the friendship we're trying to build. We'll stick to these guidelines for now, see how they go for two weeks, and not talk to each other about changing them.
We might need to change them anyway after two weeks, even if they worked really well, because we don't know what's going to happen and what is still relevant then (:
So this is us. Yeah. Once again its:
1. Physical Affection
- only goodbye hugs
2. Phone Calls
- intentionally not falling into a pattern, what we say
3. Msn, Skype Chat, Facebook Chat
- what we say, and finding a friend
4. Going Out
- no One on Ones, at least a 3-people or more thing
5. What we say to each other
- no romantic stuff, just normal friend stuff
6. No assessing the relationship with each other (2 weeks)
Yeah. But Rachael, I am insanely proud of you, and I'm soooooo happy that you're always meeting me halfway on this, and I'm so happy that we're doing this. Its crazy. You're amazing, thank you (:
Anyway, its not like we're boring old stogies keeping ourselves from fun. We found out that a friendship can be tons of fun as well, last night on Facebook and everything was the beginning of that. I noticed :p
So yeah (: What do you think and stuff? Rachael, did I miss anything or screw something up? :p
Thank you guys for being there, you are all totally amazing. Totally feelin' the love :D
(You can bet that I'll probably be spazzing over every single day that Rach and I do something together though, on my journal. Which La has access to. Haha. Sigh. Its never something I really want to forget. Imma hopeless romantic (: )
------------------------------------------
There we go. Haha. Uh. Well....I kinda wanted to talk about the day before, and yesterday, but, I've kinda exhausted my emotional wordspace? Haha. Uh.
Maybe in a bit. But something's probably going to happen today as well....
Ahhhh God. Help me to get it all down. Haha.
Love (:
(gonna go back now, go home, get a drink, and chill out and stuff, cause there are people at the skatepark already, and its hot, and i'm totally shy, For real. Haha. Man.)
(even though they are such totally cool people) (really) (this white dad and his mixed son, and they picked up all the litter from the previous night. wow. But yes I'm totally shy. Haha)
Gonnna goooooooooo (:
Love,
Monday, March 8, 2010
8 March 2010 - 620am Raffles Place Worship to Morning High-Fives
8 March 2010
Oh hi. Journalling again. Haha. Yup yup. I still have a backlog....
Anyhoo. I'm pretty tired. Its 1.27pm, I'm heading home a lot earlier than I expected. Not sure what to do, suddenly. Is this what holidays are like? :DD
But of course, I have that report to finish, and various emails, long and short, and by the time I'm done with all of that, I'll be dead. And still movie tonight. Very nice.
Today's handover was interesting. Haha. I mean, nice. Totally didn't expect Mario to not be there at all. And that we were just talking, and it was all on me, I really didn't expect that. Glad I came on time, feels good, and feels good to be trusted like that, and having fulfilled that trust (:
I feel very productive. I mean. Quite tired. Doh. Didn't sleep at all, and bounded around from 730 to 9am in COMPLETE TRIGGER-HAPPY MODE.
Sheesh. Haha. Wasn't sure how much further I could go. Sooooooo funny. So happy Su Min asked me along though. And that I wasn't late. And that I fulfilled what I was supposed to do, and went beyond it, and its such a good feeling (:
Thank you God. Haha. I wish it didn't take me not sleeping at all though! Le sigh.
Well saying hi to everyone and making their day better was funny. Interesting. Everything that I learnt about compliments and the power of words, and making a difference, and being sincere, going out there. And I was front man again. Meh. University students. Okay I'm sorta biased because I feel they're naive, a little bit, trial run lol just go up and say hi, JC breeds. Hahhahaha. I mean, it was quite funny.
And my co-hi-fiver, being a very angry girl that seemed to take it as a job as opposed to an opportunity to sincerely make a difference. "Don't talk to them, hit and go". Lol. Nah, its about being sincere man. And taking interest. And going for it.
Hope I influenced something. And brought God out there. Its so fun. Hahhahaha. It isss!!! And I got a cool shirt out of it. Hahaaa I remember bounding out there and being a crackerjack, and the SMU students just staring in awe 'omg he's crazy', and I'm like 'yeah'.
So many videos and pictures taken of me ><
Well, whatever right. Thank you God for the experience, thank you that I could make a difference, that it played to my strengths, and I hope the people really are blessed and do have a really good day today!
And there were random opportunities to pray for people and stuff but I just missed it. Ahhhh. Haha. Owelll. I want to do this again soon. Pretty awesome.
:DD
I loved that before it, I got to worship God like crazy. Haha. Let me tap into His Awesomeness. And His Love, and His Sense Of Purpose. Yeah. 'Amazed'. 'Fire Fall Down'. 'All About Jesus'. 'Everything's Changed'. 'Hosanna'. And not caring that I was in public, and vaguely hoping that I inspired some other Christian, or picked up someone who was hurting, yeah (: I mean, I didn't do it to show off, but I'm unafraid to! Yeah (:
And it really made a difference. Yeah. Crazy (:
Hahahhahah nuts. So tired now. But thank you God that I finished the words of the report. And now I have soooooo much to do. Help me do it, God. Get it over and done with. All of it. I want more completely free days to run to new places and worship you, and do crazy things. Yeah (:
Had a 3 hour phone call with Rachael last night. Our first. And we def weren't acting like friends. Ohwell. I loved that she apologised to God for that first though. And that its not just me. Crazy. Its not enough ):
But at the same time....
`
Sigh. Hahahaa. She is so amazing. And I really, really, really loved the part where we were talking about last last Friday. And every single detail. From both sides. Nuts. Haha. Sigh. So good (:
Heart singing (:
Thank you, God, for putting her in my life, help me to treat it with wisdom. And give it back to You. I love You. And thank you that you love me infinity xx whatever I feel for Rachael now. Which is pretty powerful. Thank you for this new understanding (:
Nowwwwww Help me stay awake through later and the movieeeeee. Omg. Hahahhaa.
Love,
Oh hi. Journalling again. Haha. Yup yup. I still have a backlog....
Anyhoo. I'm pretty tired. Its 1.27pm, I'm heading home a lot earlier than I expected. Not sure what to do, suddenly. Is this what holidays are like? :DD
But of course, I have that report to finish, and various emails, long and short, and by the time I'm done with all of that, I'll be dead. And still movie tonight. Very nice.
Today's handover was interesting. Haha. I mean, nice. Totally didn't expect Mario to not be there at all. And that we were just talking, and it was all on me, I really didn't expect that. Glad I came on time, feels good, and feels good to be trusted like that, and having fulfilled that trust (:
I feel very productive. I mean. Quite tired. Doh. Didn't sleep at all, and bounded around from 730 to 9am in COMPLETE TRIGGER-HAPPY MODE.
Sheesh. Haha. Wasn't sure how much further I could go. Sooooooo funny. So happy Su Min asked me along though. And that I wasn't late. And that I fulfilled what I was supposed to do, and went beyond it, and its such a good feeling (:
Thank you God. Haha. I wish it didn't take me not sleeping at all though! Le sigh.
Well saying hi to everyone and making their day better was funny. Interesting. Everything that I learnt about compliments and the power of words, and making a difference, and being sincere, going out there. And I was front man again. Meh. University students. Okay I'm sorta biased because I feel they're naive, a little bit, trial run lol just go up and say hi, JC breeds. Hahhahaha. I mean, it was quite funny.
And my co-hi-fiver, being a very angry girl that seemed to take it as a job as opposed to an opportunity to sincerely make a difference. "Don't talk to them, hit and go". Lol. Nah, its about being sincere man. And taking interest. And going for it.
Hope I influenced something. And brought God out there. Its so fun. Hahhahaha. It isss!!! And I got a cool shirt out of it. Hahaaa I remember bounding out there and being a crackerjack, and the SMU students just staring in awe 'omg he's crazy', and I'm like 'yeah'.
So many videos and pictures taken of me ><
Well, whatever right. Thank you God for the experience, thank you that I could make a difference, that it played to my strengths, and I hope the people really are blessed and do have a really good day today!
And there were random opportunities to pray for people and stuff but I just missed it. Ahhhh. Haha. Owelll. I want to do this again soon. Pretty awesome.
:DD
I loved that before it, I got to worship God like crazy. Haha. Let me tap into His Awesomeness. And His Love, and His Sense Of Purpose. Yeah. 'Amazed'. 'Fire Fall Down'. 'All About Jesus'. 'Everything's Changed'. 'Hosanna'. And not caring that I was in public, and vaguely hoping that I inspired some other Christian, or picked up someone who was hurting, yeah (: I mean, I didn't do it to show off, but I'm unafraid to! Yeah (:
And it really made a difference. Yeah. Crazy (:
Hahahhahah nuts. So tired now. But thank you God that I finished the words of the report. And now I have soooooo much to do. Help me do it, God. Get it over and done with. All of it. I want more completely free days to run to new places and worship you, and do crazy things. Yeah (:
Had a 3 hour phone call with Rachael last night. Our first. And we def weren't acting like friends. Ohwell. I loved that she apologised to God for that first though. And that its not just me. Crazy. Its not enough ):
But at the same time....
`
Sigh. Hahahaa. She is so amazing. And I really, really, really loved the part where we were talking about last last Friday. And every single detail. From both sides. Nuts. Haha. Sigh. So good (:
Heart singing (:
Thank you, God, for putting her in my life, help me to treat it with wisdom. And give it back to You. I love You. And thank you that you love me infinity xx whatever I feel for Rachael now. Which is pretty powerful. Thank you for this new understanding (:
Nowwwwww Help me stay awake through later and the movieeeeee. Omg. Hahahhaa.
Love,
Sunday, March 7, 2010
7 March 2010 - Leaders Advance
7 March 2010
Haha Hello God. How are we? Hopefully I'm starting journalling again. I want to. I want to do thissssss. Firstly, thank you for the good night's sleep that I've had, it was really comfortable, even though I wanted to use the floor, it was so fun! Haha. Crazy.
Well, I don't know where this journal entry is going. But. Its impt to start anyway. Ahhhh.
You'll Come
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed
Well. Woke up this morning. Was pretty happy. And missing Rachael like crazy. Haha. Esp after I logged on Skype and she was there. Ohhhhh mannnnn. She's so beautiful. And so sweet. And she likes me. Its nuts. Am I allowed to gush here? Might as well. Her eyes, her hair, her face, her smile - its impossible not to look at her during service, and I'm fighting to not, and I'm pretty aware that she's fighting to not as well, and we're hardly talking, but its comfortable in a 'omg i'm dying here' kinda way. Haha sigh. We hardly talk during service, and already 10 minutes after that I miss her like crazy. This is nuts. I know its infatuation. It feels right. And she's sooooooooooo amazing, God. So small and amazing, and tender, and nuts, thank you? Haha. Ursh. I really do miss her loads. This is pretty crazy. We still only do goodbye hugs. That's our only point of physical contact. So that's like, once a week, because I think we're pretty determined to not take time out to meet each other, esp when we're so busy, and we're trying to be just friends. Its nuts. But weirdly enough it helps loads. its something to look forward to like crazy, and it really encourages me/us, that little bit of contact helping to keep us going - i honestly prefer it to Sam and Hannah not touching at all, but them being wayyyyy closer with words and all. I mean, I don't want to comment much. But we do function differently. Rachael and I hardly phone talk. I think we know what it'll do. Hannah and Sam phonetalk loaddsssss. Haha well. And of course, Rach and I are public. They're keeping it a secret. I think we're watching each other to see which is more beneficial, though I do prefer mine. It means I can be honest, with leaders/members/whoever, and share about how this relationship is pointing me to God and his wonderfulness and the magnitude of his love a little bit more, when God reveals stuff to me and hits me - very cool. Haha.
Last night at the end, I felt God prompt me maybe to release to the public the understanding that He'd been revealing to me, you know, now that someone likes me, and I like that person back, and we're insane over each other, and missing each other like crazy, and how that's just a tiny fraction of how God loves us, in a take-my-breath-away-gasp kinda way - man. I thought I knew God's love. Haha.
Well, I was prompted to release it? But thought I better talk to Ps Josh first. And he advised me that it was more for myself at this point. I see the wisdom there. Haha. And he used the opportunity to drive home the point that who do I love more. Rachael or God. And of course its God. But what do I do about that. Which made me kinda meh ;/ - why are you using this time to drive home a point - but I get it. I get the value and importance of the lesson, and him seeing the opportunity to, and how I can do that in the future to others as well. Even though it does break the flow of emotion. Hmm
Well yup yup. Lots happened from after service to this morning. Lotttsssss.
Arrrgh. Rachael. Missing you lots. Missing your cannonballs. Its so funny how now when we do get those hugs, they fail a bit because we are so eager we actually hit each other, instead of an embrace, but we don't get a second try of course :p
Owelllll. This is worth it though. So worth it. Ahhh. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I'm an idiot. Haha. Shucks.
I was pondering how Sam 'forbids' Hannah to do certain things, or really pushes her to do her work? I mean, me and Rachael have had mini situations like that already, 'ahhhh I need to do my work' moments, but I don't do that? I mean, I never want to be that kind of guy. The order-you-around kind, even if its for your good. Whether we're together or not. Oppressive is :/ That's an extreme though. But usually what I do is that I remain open. I'll gently say 'go do it', but if its hard, I understand, and I'm here anyway. Y'know. Its the person I always wanted to be. Available. Supportive. Its not saying I can't give orders, but I see the value in not. I hope this doesn't mean I'm not a 'take the lead' kinda guy. I'm just more accepting. Haha. Weeeeeellll. Me and Rachael are more like ":p" than serious, but of course, that's because Hannah/Sam and Rachael/I function differently, I vaguely think on some level that 'we're more fun', but that's such hubris. Ugh. haha.
I'm sure we have fun on different levels that appreciate the world to us on that level (:
Yeahhhhhhhhh. Course I'm talking about all of this instead cause I want to avoid talking about last night :/ Bleh. Sarah bleh. Hannah bleh. I mean, good but bleh. Mehhhhhhhhhh.
Was absolutely crushed last night. Which made me feel even worse that I was getting crushed. Which crushed me more. Which made me feel ever worse - y'know. The cycle. Haha sigh. it was really bad. It felt reaaaaaaaaaalllllly bad. I was so disgusted at my ' lonely in a crowd' symptoms, I know most people go through that sometime, but I guess I've prided myself for a long while, and thanked God that I don't go through that? So when I did, I had no idea what to do. Just felt really really bummed. And lonely. And wanted someone to say hi. But idk.
I think Sarah's really really cute. Haha. I mean, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be with her, but she's really, really, really cute. And new too. That's intriguing. I really love forming new 'brilliant magic best of friends' friendships. And I guess she's someone I feel I can build that with. I mean, she's really cute, and bouncy (which I love), and passionate for God, and yet serious in the cutest ways. Haha. Yes I know I like Rachael. I multi-crush. This is normal for me. But its what we do about it that matters! And I love using attraction to build a friendship. And it was only happening on some level, but not the powerful insta-magnet thing. I mean, lots of reasons. Leader setting means I can't be as physically affectionate? I mean it only as a friend, but most of the leaders don't do the hugs and whatever thing, so I don't want everyone to think that I'm only hugging her. Though she does do hugs loads. And of course lack of opportunity to grab her, bring her someplace crazy, pair up, partner in crime, and sit and talk the night away. Discover each other. Silly I know. But that's how me and Hannah started out. I love that.
And she's sooooooo coooool. But its not happening. Haha. I mean, its great that she's talking to the other people. So close to La. Close to Marcus Cheong, Chill in general. Also, very wise. I suspect that she is intentionally staying away from my efforts a little bit because she wonders if I like her, and she wants to keep that distance. Which is cool but meh :/
But she's sooooooo coooool. Ahhhhh. Usually another defence I have, is just removing myself from the situation, and hanging out with everyone else. Y'know. Live my own life. But I guess relative close proximity over the past couple of days, leader stuff and advance and all. Yep. I guess I'm just not used to the 'rejection'? Couldn't understand why its happening. Its happened before with....Olivia, but everyone's different of course. Oli is more on the extreme spectrum of 'I don't get you'. Haha. Though I think she's really cool. But owell.
On some level, there are probably people that think that about me as well, and want to dearly hang out with me, but I don't see that. And its not because I have any malice towards them. :/
So :/
Rarrrrhhhh. But yeah. The (very small) Sarah thing was a huge bummer. And of course, Hannah. I love the girl. I really really do. I am insane over the wonderful person that she is, I love the way she talks, thinks, interacts with everyone, her amazing heart for God, her responsibleness, her sincerity, her singing, so much. She's just so amazing. And we do click. It just absolutely explodes my day when she does something for me first, like that reconciliation email, or the little simple note she drew for me right after I finished sharing at Advance. She's so amazing. I love her sooo much. And I really appreciate how she came clean with how she was judging me and stuff and as so stayed away from me. I would put aside a lot of time for her, just to spend time with her, and listen to her talk, and interact. Partners in crime. Y'know.
I'm just not sure if she wants to, all the time. I mean, we're good now. I really love that. But esp yesterday night, I wasn't sure how much she wanted to talk to me, I'm just waiting, watching signs, when I'd love to talk to her forever. Talk about the Rachael/Sam thing. Life. All of that. Be silly. Y'know.
And I guess when I see Hannah and La being close, or Sarah and La being close, I do get a bit :/ as well. Feel left out a bit. Wish I had that closeness. Haha. Very silly. But yeah.
And so last night, when both those things happened, I was absolutely crushed. But that wasn't the trigger. The trigger was when.....we were gonna go for a second game of polar bear. We came back. And suddenly there was serious situation. Eunice Pastor Josh, Vic, La, and other people huddled in a corner talking about very serious stuff. I get that. I know what it was about, and that it was pretty serious. But I was also quite :/ about it, felt left out on some level, and how everyone just split up, the whole fun atmosphere changed, people broke up into little groups, Pearl and Cerise off talking, Kylie and whoever listening to music, and I didn't know what to do. It was pretty clear that we weren't going to play again.
I hate it when things fall apart like that. And I don't what to do. Where to go. Who to talk to. And I'm just going to sit there and stone at myself and God, wish I was someplace else, had music, wish someone would engage me, and wonder why I'm reacting like that when I'm supposed to be mr social natural guy. Which just makes me feel bad.
Its cause its a social situation where I'm not on top. I'm not in control. And because if that, I'm not comfortable to reach out and go 'hi, who are you, c'mon, lets do something reaaaaaaaaaaaallllly crazy'. Or something. I mean, I don't NEED to be on top, but I think generally in my life, I build social situations around me because of the security that is there. And the freedom. Etc. I hate putting myself out in situations where I might get owned for it. Lots of this is from secondary school outcast situations. And I've learnt, that I don't want to tag after no one, not really? Cause you never know when they'll leave you behind. Cept God. Which gives me the freedom to go live life cause God's got my back.
Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. So I was just off feeling pretty miserable. And of course I reacted. Went emo. Stared at the water on my own. Wished someone would talk to me. Walked alone, was very quiet on the way back. At the same time, I'm aware that when I do that, people are afraid to come talk to me. Or are like 'what's going on'. I know. Self-pity doesn't help anything, I went through a ton of this in sec 3/4. And probably didn't make Sarah's opinion of me any better, the sudden mood shift. Usually I'll play it off saying "i'm tired". But I trust these guys, these leaders, I don't want to lie like that. Meh.
So that was me.
Got home pretty miserable. Made my emo music playlist. Lots of it old music from 2005/2006 when I was going through a very hard time with the Anna thing, and a girl named June gave me a mixtape for my birthday, and it really helped me survive. Clung to that music like crazy. Put that on again, and just cried in the darkness of my room. Cried and cried and cried. I wanted to. I know God loves me. I know its pretty silly. But it was one of those "God I know you love me. Please let me cry", as opposed to "God heal me I'm broken I'm crying". Yeah. Just wanted to tap into those emotions I had been repressing. Yeah.
And that was good. Melodi Ghui was online. Saw her on skype, with a '):' sign. And was like. 'Hey, I can talk to her. And reach out to her. Take care of her, ask her how she's doing'. Because I do want to help her loads too, and in that moment, I can really appreciate if I'm feeling like crap, just how much someone popping up and noticing and asking how I am, esp someone I really trust, can help. And so I wanted to do that for her. And it makes me feel better about myself that even while I'm emo I can help other people, that I'm pushing through, because God loves me and God loves her.
In hindsight, it probably helped that she was a girl. Or idk. Not really. If it was a guy on my skype that I trusted going through crap, I would have gone too. Keenan, Angelo. probably....not Josh Simon. He's not much help in these things. That one, I just have to wait till he gets better, not help him. Not much anyway, you can do, when someone just flat out doesn't want to think about things.
Anyhoo. Yeah. Mel and I talked. Supported each other loads. This was till 430 am. I got home at like 3. That was good. Still pretty bum, but feeling better. My playlist had changed from Emo Songs to Kristina Debarge to full on Michelle Branch. Optimistic, yet neutral, 'it will get better' stuff. Yepppp. Then I went in the shower. And God hit me right there.
Told me "I'm not letting the Sarah thing happen, or the Hannah thing happen again, its not that they don't like you, or you're doing bad, but I'm just not letting it happen. Because the last thing you need right now is to do what you usually do. That crutch. Its a brilliant relationship that you can form, I know you see the value there, but I want you to see the value in guy relationships too (which I still don't understand, but I appreciate that it is there somewhere). So I'm not letting the 'insta-run' Hannah/Sarah thing happen, I want you making friends with Ben, Dom, Jose, etc. There's loads of value there too."
And it all made sense. Like tons. And it was like a light dawned and I got why I was going through all of that crap. I mean. Could God have hit me with that wisdom early on during the night itself? Or saved me the crying? Yeah, but it might not have that big an impact, because I didn't feel it powerfully. I was broken. Really. Trusting God, but broken anyway. And I do get the lesson. I mean, of course I still would love the amazing lights exploding relationship with Sarah/Hannah, but I appreciate it. And I figure the guy relationships will happen. I mean, its what I shared during the adv sharing as well. They know I'm still trying to figure that out. I asked for help. And I guess that it helps loads that I don't have the automatic run-to-security option.
Haha still wish that Hannah/Sarah something though. I do love them dearly. Yep, even Sarah, though I've hardly met her. Its how it works for me. I notice someone, I've got their back all the time. Even if we're distant. Nat Ghui, other people. I watch out for them. I do. I love them. Its a choice, and sparked by God. I usually know these things are God-created because of some impact I can deal there. And for me as well. And sooooo I pay attention. Yeppppp.
Sarah's so cool. Haha. She really is.
Mmmppphh. Haha. Think I'm gonna close the entry here. I have a couple of backdates I have left to do, 2 or 3, but I think not in this entry. Its pretty loooooooooong. Glad I did it though. Gonna put this in the blog, of course. And give Chrystella access. Hi La. Haha.
Well (:
Hope I do my report today. Ahhhh. I HAVE TO. BUT ITS SO HARD. GOD ):
Love,
Haha Hello God. How are we? Hopefully I'm starting journalling again. I want to. I want to do thissssss. Firstly, thank you for the good night's sleep that I've had, it was really comfortable, even though I wanted to use the floor, it was so fun! Haha. Crazy.
Well, I don't know where this journal entry is going. But. Its impt to start anyway. Ahhhh.
You'll Come
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed
Well. Woke up this morning. Was pretty happy. And missing Rachael like crazy. Haha. Esp after I logged on Skype and she was there. Ohhhhh mannnnn. She's so beautiful. And so sweet. And she likes me. Its nuts. Am I allowed to gush here? Might as well. Her eyes, her hair, her face, her smile - its impossible not to look at her during service, and I'm fighting to not, and I'm pretty aware that she's fighting to not as well, and we're hardly talking, but its comfortable in a 'omg i'm dying here' kinda way. Haha sigh. We hardly talk during service, and already 10 minutes after that I miss her like crazy. This is nuts. I know its infatuation. It feels right. And she's sooooooooooo amazing, God. So small and amazing, and tender, and nuts, thank you? Haha. Ursh. I really do miss her loads. This is pretty crazy. We still only do goodbye hugs. That's our only point of physical contact. So that's like, once a week, because I think we're pretty determined to not take time out to meet each other, esp when we're so busy, and we're trying to be just friends. Its nuts. But weirdly enough it helps loads. its something to look forward to like crazy, and it really encourages me/us, that little bit of contact helping to keep us going - i honestly prefer it to Sam and Hannah not touching at all, but them being wayyyyy closer with words and all. I mean, I don't want to comment much. But we do function differently. Rachael and I hardly phone talk. I think we know what it'll do. Hannah and Sam phonetalk loaddsssss. Haha well. And of course, Rach and I are public. They're keeping it a secret. I think we're watching each other to see which is more beneficial, though I do prefer mine. It means I can be honest, with leaders/members/whoever, and share about how this relationship is pointing me to God and his wonderfulness and the magnitude of his love a little bit more, when God reveals stuff to me and hits me - very cool. Haha.
Last night at the end, I felt God prompt me maybe to release to the public the understanding that He'd been revealing to me, you know, now that someone likes me, and I like that person back, and we're insane over each other, and missing each other like crazy, and how that's just a tiny fraction of how God loves us, in a take-my-breath-away-gasp kinda way - man. I thought I knew God's love. Haha.
Well, I was prompted to release it? But thought I better talk to Ps Josh first. And he advised me that it was more for myself at this point. I see the wisdom there. Haha. And he used the opportunity to drive home the point that who do I love more. Rachael or God. And of course its God. But what do I do about that. Which made me kinda meh ;/ - why are you using this time to drive home a point - but I get it. I get the value and importance of the lesson, and him seeing the opportunity to, and how I can do that in the future to others as well. Even though it does break the flow of emotion. Hmm
Well yup yup. Lots happened from after service to this morning. Lotttsssss.
Arrrgh. Rachael. Missing you lots. Missing your cannonballs. Its so funny how now when we do get those hugs, they fail a bit because we are so eager we actually hit each other, instead of an embrace, but we don't get a second try of course :p
Owelllll. This is worth it though. So worth it. Ahhh. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I'm an idiot. Haha. Shucks.
I was pondering how Sam 'forbids' Hannah to do certain things, or really pushes her to do her work? I mean, me and Rachael have had mini situations like that already, 'ahhhh I need to do my work' moments, but I don't do that? I mean, I never want to be that kind of guy. The order-you-around kind, even if its for your good. Whether we're together or not. Oppressive is :/ That's an extreme though. But usually what I do is that I remain open. I'll gently say 'go do it', but if its hard, I understand, and I'm here anyway. Y'know. Its the person I always wanted to be. Available. Supportive. Its not saying I can't give orders, but I see the value in not. I hope this doesn't mean I'm not a 'take the lead' kinda guy. I'm just more accepting. Haha. Weeeeeellll. Me and Rachael are more like ":p" than serious, but of course, that's because Hannah/Sam and Rachael/I function differently, I vaguely think on some level that 'we're more fun', but that's such hubris. Ugh. haha.
I'm sure we have fun on different levels that appreciate the world to us on that level (:
Yeahhhhhhhhh. Course I'm talking about all of this instead cause I want to avoid talking about last night :/ Bleh. Sarah bleh. Hannah bleh. I mean, good but bleh. Mehhhhhhhhhh.
Was absolutely crushed last night. Which made me feel even worse that I was getting crushed. Which crushed me more. Which made me feel ever worse - y'know. The cycle. Haha sigh. it was really bad. It felt reaaaaaaaaaalllllly bad. I was so disgusted at my ' lonely in a crowd' symptoms, I know most people go through that sometime, but I guess I've prided myself for a long while, and thanked God that I don't go through that? So when I did, I had no idea what to do. Just felt really really bummed. And lonely. And wanted someone to say hi. But idk.
I think Sarah's really really cute. Haha. I mean, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be with her, but she's really, really, really cute. And new too. That's intriguing. I really love forming new 'brilliant magic best of friends' friendships. And I guess she's someone I feel I can build that with. I mean, she's really cute, and bouncy (which I love), and passionate for God, and yet serious in the cutest ways. Haha. Yes I know I like Rachael. I multi-crush. This is normal for me. But its what we do about it that matters! And I love using attraction to build a friendship. And it was only happening on some level, but not the powerful insta-magnet thing. I mean, lots of reasons. Leader setting means I can't be as physically affectionate? I mean it only as a friend, but most of the leaders don't do the hugs and whatever thing, so I don't want everyone to think that I'm only hugging her. Though she does do hugs loads. And of course lack of opportunity to grab her, bring her someplace crazy, pair up, partner in crime, and sit and talk the night away. Discover each other. Silly I know. But that's how me and Hannah started out. I love that.
And she's sooooooo coooool. But its not happening. Haha. I mean, its great that she's talking to the other people. So close to La. Close to Marcus Cheong, Chill in general. Also, very wise. I suspect that she is intentionally staying away from my efforts a little bit because she wonders if I like her, and she wants to keep that distance. Which is cool but meh :/
But she's sooooooo coooool. Ahhhhh. Usually another defence I have, is just removing myself from the situation, and hanging out with everyone else. Y'know. Live my own life. But I guess relative close proximity over the past couple of days, leader stuff and advance and all. Yep. I guess I'm just not used to the 'rejection'? Couldn't understand why its happening. Its happened before with....Olivia, but everyone's different of course. Oli is more on the extreme spectrum of 'I don't get you'. Haha. Though I think she's really cool. But owell.
On some level, there are probably people that think that about me as well, and want to dearly hang out with me, but I don't see that. And its not because I have any malice towards them. :/
So :/
Rarrrrhhhh. But yeah. The (very small) Sarah thing was a huge bummer. And of course, Hannah. I love the girl. I really really do. I am insane over the wonderful person that she is, I love the way she talks, thinks, interacts with everyone, her amazing heart for God, her responsibleness, her sincerity, her singing, so much. She's just so amazing. And we do click. It just absolutely explodes my day when she does something for me first, like that reconciliation email, or the little simple note she drew for me right after I finished sharing at Advance. She's so amazing. I love her sooo much. And I really appreciate how she came clean with how she was judging me and stuff and as so stayed away from me. I would put aside a lot of time for her, just to spend time with her, and listen to her talk, and interact. Partners in crime. Y'know.
I'm just not sure if she wants to, all the time. I mean, we're good now. I really love that. But esp yesterday night, I wasn't sure how much she wanted to talk to me, I'm just waiting, watching signs, when I'd love to talk to her forever. Talk about the Rachael/Sam thing. Life. All of that. Be silly. Y'know.
And I guess when I see Hannah and La being close, or Sarah and La being close, I do get a bit :/ as well. Feel left out a bit. Wish I had that closeness. Haha. Very silly. But yeah.
And so last night, when both those things happened, I was absolutely crushed. But that wasn't the trigger. The trigger was when.....we were gonna go for a second game of polar bear. We came back. And suddenly there was serious situation. Eunice Pastor Josh, Vic, La, and other people huddled in a corner talking about very serious stuff. I get that. I know what it was about, and that it was pretty serious. But I was also quite :/ about it, felt left out on some level, and how everyone just split up, the whole fun atmosphere changed, people broke up into little groups, Pearl and Cerise off talking, Kylie and whoever listening to music, and I didn't know what to do. It was pretty clear that we weren't going to play again.
I hate it when things fall apart like that. And I don't what to do. Where to go. Who to talk to. And I'm just going to sit there and stone at myself and God, wish I was someplace else, had music, wish someone would engage me, and wonder why I'm reacting like that when I'm supposed to be mr social natural guy. Which just makes me feel bad.
Its cause its a social situation where I'm not on top. I'm not in control. And because if that, I'm not comfortable to reach out and go 'hi, who are you, c'mon, lets do something reaaaaaaaaaaaallllly crazy'. Or something. I mean, I don't NEED to be on top, but I think generally in my life, I build social situations around me because of the security that is there. And the freedom. Etc. I hate putting myself out in situations where I might get owned for it. Lots of this is from secondary school outcast situations. And I've learnt, that I don't want to tag after no one, not really? Cause you never know when they'll leave you behind. Cept God. Which gives me the freedom to go live life cause God's got my back.
Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. So I was just off feeling pretty miserable. And of course I reacted. Went emo. Stared at the water on my own. Wished someone would talk to me. Walked alone, was very quiet on the way back. At the same time, I'm aware that when I do that, people are afraid to come talk to me. Or are like 'what's going on'. I know. Self-pity doesn't help anything, I went through a ton of this in sec 3/4. And probably didn't make Sarah's opinion of me any better, the sudden mood shift. Usually I'll play it off saying "i'm tired". But I trust these guys, these leaders, I don't want to lie like that. Meh.
So that was me.
Got home pretty miserable. Made my emo music playlist. Lots of it old music from 2005/2006 when I was going through a very hard time with the Anna thing, and a girl named June gave me a mixtape for my birthday, and it really helped me survive. Clung to that music like crazy. Put that on again, and just cried in the darkness of my room. Cried and cried and cried. I wanted to. I know God loves me. I know its pretty silly. But it was one of those "God I know you love me. Please let me cry", as opposed to "God heal me I'm broken I'm crying". Yeah. Just wanted to tap into those emotions I had been repressing. Yeah.
And that was good. Melodi Ghui was online. Saw her on skype, with a '):' sign. And was like. 'Hey, I can talk to her. And reach out to her. Take care of her, ask her how she's doing'. Because I do want to help her loads too, and in that moment, I can really appreciate if I'm feeling like crap, just how much someone popping up and noticing and asking how I am, esp someone I really trust, can help. And so I wanted to do that for her. And it makes me feel better about myself that even while I'm emo I can help other people, that I'm pushing through, because God loves me and God loves her.
In hindsight, it probably helped that she was a girl. Or idk. Not really. If it was a guy on my skype that I trusted going through crap, I would have gone too. Keenan, Angelo. probably....not Josh Simon. He's not much help in these things. That one, I just have to wait till he gets better, not help him. Not much anyway, you can do, when someone just flat out doesn't want to think about things.
Anyhoo. Yeah. Mel and I talked. Supported each other loads. This was till 430 am. I got home at like 3. That was good. Still pretty bum, but feeling better. My playlist had changed from Emo Songs to Kristina Debarge to full on Michelle Branch. Optimistic, yet neutral, 'it will get better' stuff. Yepppp. Then I went in the shower. And God hit me right there.
Told me "I'm not letting the Sarah thing happen, or the Hannah thing happen again, its not that they don't like you, or you're doing bad, but I'm just not letting it happen. Because the last thing you need right now is to do what you usually do. That crutch. Its a brilliant relationship that you can form, I know you see the value there, but I want you to see the value in guy relationships too (which I still don't understand, but I appreciate that it is there somewhere). So I'm not letting the 'insta-run' Hannah/Sarah thing happen, I want you making friends with Ben, Dom, Jose, etc. There's loads of value there too."
And it all made sense. Like tons. And it was like a light dawned and I got why I was going through all of that crap. I mean. Could God have hit me with that wisdom early on during the night itself? Or saved me the crying? Yeah, but it might not have that big an impact, because I didn't feel it powerfully. I was broken. Really. Trusting God, but broken anyway. And I do get the lesson. I mean, of course I still would love the amazing lights exploding relationship with Sarah/Hannah, but I appreciate it. And I figure the guy relationships will happen. I mean, its what I shared during the adv sharing as well. They know I'm still trying to figure that out. I asked for help. And I guess that it helps loads that I don't have the automatic run-to-security option.
Haha still wish that Hannah/Sarah something though. I do love them dearly. Yep, even Sarah, though I've hardly met her. Its how it works for me. I notice someone, I've got their back all the time. Even if we're distant. Nat Ghui, other people. I watch out for them. I do. I love them. Its a choice, and sparked by God. I usually know these things are God-created because of some impact I can deal there. And for me as well. And sooooo I pay attention. Yeppppp.
Sarah's so cool. Haha. She really is.
Mmmppphh. Haha. Think I'm gonna close the entry here. I have a couple of backdates I have left to do, 2 or 3, but I think not in this entry. Its pretty loooooooooong. Glad I did it though. Gonna put this in the blog, of course. And give Chrystella access. Hi La. Haha.
Well (:
Hope I do my report today. Ahhhh. I HAVE TO. BUT ITS SO HARD. GOD ):
Love,
JPIC Advance Question - Answers
a. How will you describe what success as a cell leader look like to you? Be as specific as you can. Talk about what changes you will like to see happen in your own life and what changes you will like to see in the lives of your cell members.
- Well, I would love if my members become hugely passionate about God on their own right. With an undying desperation to pursue God and his mysteries, and starting things among their own pockets of friends in school or otherwise, wanting to do worship, or healing, or other things, on their own.
- And also if they trusted me to have me as their pillar. That they come to me for support and guidance the way I go to La. In fact, the relationship between La and I is how I model a lot of how I see success. I want all of them to become leader material. And because that's their full potential, not what I want for them.
- My life? I would love a natural outpouring of love that I just can commit to them, and intentionally set aside time for them, not just time-time, which I'm good at, but preparation time. Building a safety net.
b. What were some encouraging things that you have heard, seen or experienced which kept you going?
A lot of prophesy. A lot of God talking to me in worship, letting me know this is where I am supposed to be. And I am glad. Friends running along the same journey, just their existance. Hannah, Charlene, Chonghao. Kegan. Sam. Kylie. Lots of what I heard at HIP. ALOT of encouragement from Josh, Jenn, and La. I mean, in many ways I lack father and mother figures in my life, and I hold onto a lot of what they say, or that I can go to them, and that they believe in me, even though I can be so silly.
I guess the crazy things that I do? I get an idea, I run with it, I drag people along, and something really cool happens, and that makes me feel good that I can be flexible like that and God moves. I know my strengths, daring, crazy, flexible with plans, good with people's hearts, listening to God's voice, and when I get to act on those, I am very encouraged. Like the youth ministry altar ministry thing.
c. What were some of the discouraging moments and how did you deal with them?
Parents. A lot. They're just not there for me about this at all, which does hurt, though God has blessed me with Him, a whole lot of leaders, and friends, and a sense of identity, which helps like crazy, but it does make me question myself and God's plan for me sometimes. Like this morning, Mom screaming at me to get a job. I can't really tell her about oh, I was at Ldrs Adv last night, this morning, thursday night I was running cell. It does make me feel like I'm leeching off them. And I do have reasons for not getting a job as yet, but it makes me question my worth as a person, how can I be a leader if I can't even provide for my family. Things like that.
I sat in the train with worship all the way here. And God was just reminding me of my self-worth. Like water running over wounds. It does help loads, just being in God's presence wholly, when i want to be, when I remember to be.
What discourages me - when I'm incompetent. When I'm late, like today. When I'm irresponsible. Last-minute. Slacking off. My impulses (which I value), and the lack of wisdom to not know which to turn off, and time wasted and other things. When I don't help out around the house. All these attack my self worth and make me question why am I even a leader.
- Same answer as above.
What discourages me - when I don't know when I'm doing enough, esp during service on saturdays. Should I be messaging more. Praying more. Organising meet-ups one-on-one. And sometimes its not that I have no time, but that I want me time. Slack time. And I worry whether I'm being selfish. And caring more about my friends than my members. Because being with friends takes less effort. And should I be organising dinners with them, instead of basking in places where I am already loved, you know.
- What encourages me. Other leaders. What they do. Different people do different things, some sit with their cell every week, some don't, but I always see a valid reason. Advice, friends. Yesterday Sarah was like "why do you worry about where everyone is going to sit, and if they should sit together? Just tell them, sit with me if you want to, if not, sit with your friends." And I was like "oh yeah, omg, paradigm shift, thank you" (we don't have to sit together to bond) stufff.
- Well, I would love if my members become hugely passionate about God on their own right. With an undying desperation to pursue God and his mysteries, and starting things among their own pockets of friends in school or otherwise, wanting to do worship, or healing, or other things, on their own.
- And also if they trusted me to have me as their pillar. That they come to me for support and guidance the way I go to La. In fact, the relationship between La and I is how I model a lot of how I see success. I want all of them to become leader material. And because that's their full potential, not what I want for them.
- My life? I would love a natural outpouring of love that I just can commit to them, and intentionally set aside time for them, not just time-time, which I'm good at, but preparation time. Building a safety net.
b. What were some encouraging things that you have heard, seen or experienced which kept you going?
A lot of prophesy. A lot of God talking to me in worship, letting me know this is where I am supposed to be. And I am glad. Friends running along the same journey, just their existance. Hannah, Charlene, Chonghao. Kegan. Sam. Kylie. Lots of what I heard at HIP. ALOT of encouragement from Josh, Jenn, and La. I mean, in many ways I lack father and mother figures in my life, and I hold onto a lot of what they say, or that I can go to them, and that they believe in me, even though I can be so silly.
I guess the crazy things that I do? I get an idea, I run with it, I drag people along, and something really cool happens, and that makes me feel good that I can be flexible like that and God moves. I know my strengths, daring, crazy, flexible with plans, good with people's hearts, listening to God's voice, and when I get to act on those, I am very encouraged. Like the youth ministry altar ministry thing.
c. What were some of the discouraging moments and how did you deal with them?
Parents. A lot. They're just not there for me about this at all, which does hurt, though God has blessed me with Him, a whole lot of leaders, and friends, and a sense of identity, which helps like crazy, but it does make me question myself and God's plan for me sometimes. Like this morning, Mom screaming at me to get a job. I can't really tell her about oh, I was at Ldrs Adv last night, this morning, thursday night I was running cell. It does make me feel like I'm leeching off them. And I do have reasons for not getting a job as yet, but it makes me question my worth as a person, how can I be a leader if I can't even provide for my family. Things like that.
I sat in the train with worship all the way here. And God was just reminding me of my self-worth. Like water running over wounds. It does help loads, just being in God's presence wholly, when i want to be, when I remember to be.
What discourages me - when I'm incompetent. When I'm late, like today. When I'm irresponsible. Last-minute. Slacking off. My impulses (which I value), and the lack of wisdom to not know which to turn off, and time wasted and other things. When I don't help out around the house. All these attack my self worth and make me question why am I even a leader.
- Same answer as above.
What discourages me - when I don't know when I'm doing enough, esp during service on saturdays. Should I be messaging more. Praying more. Organising meet-ups one-on-one. And sometimes its not that I have no time, but that I want me time. Slack time. And I worry whether I'm being selfish. And caring more about my friends than my members. Because being with friends takes less effort. And should I be organising dinners with them, instead of basking in places where I am already loved, you know.
- What encourages me. Other leaders. What they do. Different people do different things, some sit with their cell every week, some don't, but I always see a valid reason. Advice, friends. Yesterday Sarah was like "why do you worry about where everyone is going to sit, and if they should sit together? Just tell them, sit with me if you want to, if not, sit with your friends." And I was like "oh yeah, omg, paradigm shift, thank you" (we don't have to sit together to bond) stufff.
Notes - 9 Sept 2009
Ahhhh God,
Fine. There are a lot of things I want, but I think I have to lay them at your feet. Writing makes it easier to organise my thoughts. I don't want to give up dance. I don't want to give up skating. I don't want to give up life, give up school, give up red camp, give up starbucks, give up a job, give up all these things for you. I used to, but along the way some things changed. Now I don't want to let go of the things you've blessed me with! Ability to dance. I started out wanting to dance for you. Now I want to dance to show others that I've accomplished something with my life, and dancing for you has become a subset of that, and that shouldn't be the way!
And I know I could let everything go to you, but frankly I know I am afraid of what will happen. Or whether I will like what you have in store for me if I let it all go to you. I might not like it. I might not enjoy it.
....And that sounds so silly, because the bible says that you know my hearts desire and ultimately what is your plan for me will work out best for me and I will enjoy it. I've even preached this to others before. And I know letting go is a must in my life as a leader, or even a future pastor, or even now cause I can't seem to worship properly knowing I have things I'm holding back from you. But its harrrrdddd. Ahhhh.
Haahahha. Okay. Red Camp. Rarrrgh. I'm scared of making my focus just you in life. I'm scared that you'll drop me into some shack all alone, a talentless hack, and people will laugh at me, or I'll be a boring pastor, and can't dance, and can't do anything....
But that won't happen, will it. Cause you love me! Ahh.
You know what is best for me. You know what is best for me. You know what is best for me. And the best thing about it is that I will like it.
But its stilll harddd. Leap of faith. Like skateboarding, its hard.
Ahhhh why are what I want and what God wants different thinggss.
Still trying to let go. Still trying. But yeah. Renewal God. Send me someone that will inspire me. Help my needs be fulfilled tonight at leaders cell. At the same time, I know I can still worship. Still in position of righteousness. Gonna do that. I am amazed by you, for still putting up with me (:
Fine. There are a lot of things I want, but I think I have to lay them at your feet. Writing makes it easier to organise my thoughts. I don't want to give up dance. I don't want to give up skating. I don't want to give up life, give up school, give up red camp, give up starbucks, give up a job, give up all these things for you. I used to, but along the way some things changed. Now I don't want to let go of the things you've blessed me with! Ability to dance. I started out wanting to dance for you. Now I want to dance to show others that I've accomplished something with my life, and dancing for you has become a subset of that, and that shouldn't be the way!
And I know I could let everything go to you, but frankly I know I am afraid of what will happen. Or whether I will like what you have in store for me if I let it all go to you. I might not like it. I might not enjoy it.
....And that sounds so silly, because the bible says that you know my hearts desire and ultimately what is your plan for me will work out best for me and I will enjoy it. I've even preached this to others before. And I know letting go is a must in my life as a leader, or even a future pastor, or even now cause I can't seem to worship properly knowing I have things I'm holding back from you. But its harrrrdddd. Ahhhh.
Haahahha. Okay. Red Camp. Rarrrgh. I'm scared of making my focus just you in life. I'm scared that you'll drop me into some shack all alone, a talentless hack, and people will laugh at me, or I'll be a boring pastor, and can't dance, and can't do anything....
But that won't happen, will it. Cause you love me! Ahh.
You know what is best for me. You know what is best for me. You know what is best for me. And the best thing about it is that I will like it.
But its stilll harddd. Leap of faith. Like skateboarding, its hard.
Ahhhh why are what I want and what God wants different thinggss.
Still trying to let go. Still trying. But yeah. Renewal God. Send me someone that will inspire me. Help my needs be fulfilled tonight at leaders cell. At the same time, I know I can still worship. Still in position of righteousness. Gonna do that. I am amazed by you, for still putting up with me (:
Facebook Archive - 15 Jan 2010
Oh helllo my favourite part of the day.
I'm sincerely sorry for you if you're attempting to read another one of my bus notes, cause once again I have no idea where this is going.
Except for the thought that I need way more elbow room.
So. Uh. Bus with Keenan to church right now. Its been a mad week. Crazy. Still very good, but I'm kinda very miffed that my huge master plan to get so much stuff done, snowballed, day after day, and I do what needs to be done from the day before, and stuff snowballs, and we're faced with a weekend where I'm taking my work home so hopefully next week I can get back on schedule.
Still owe those ^&%#^%$# monthly logs. Granted, I perhaps might have been able to get some of these things done if I didn't use my nights for leisure and resting instead. But where do I draw the line between taking my work home? Am I slacking at work that I have to do this? I don't know, there's really no way to tell, it seems that I do a lot, but what if I'm taking too long over lunch? Too long over emails? Too long over thinking? Could someone else do this a lot faster than I could? Where do I gauge productive thinking time that I need to churn out creative stuff, vs time that I could use to rush admin work?
- music change: rock -
Ah crap I need more rock. Realised a little bit ago that the dance remixes I started this bus ride listening to wasn't what I wanted, and that 'I need more rock'.
Which is surreal. Considering Keenan is right next to me.
I don't mean pop rock. But good old hard punk rock (True rockers don't crucify me, I know very little about this kind of music). Damn. Full-bodied rock. I don't know.
Weird coincidences.
Soooooo.
IS IT ALTERNATIVE. I DON'T KNOW. HAHA.
Now playing We The Kings. Its too soft, but that's the loudest that the iTunes can go. Yes, I'm a blaster, full-surround sound, if I can hear anything else, its not loud enough.
The cell is hurrying us. Haha. Hmmm. Ahhh this cell. I miss this cell. But, i don't know, I'm also going to miss my sitting at night listening to the radio pattern, really loved that last night, learning, and by the time I get back, Sebastian and Penny are going to be over! And Afterhours too.
My home fm radios can't tune into 987 for some reason. I could do it on the net I suppose.....
Headphones still too soft. If I can still hear my bus around me in the middle of a peak hour jam, its not loud enough!
Haha. Seriously need more drown-myself-rock.
I don't have the new Green Day stuff on the Mac....
- gets off bus -
Cell was completely absolutely so mindblowingly exhilaratingly brilliant. Haha. Laughed so hard, deejayed, and even danced a bit, Shereen and Barney were trying out moves! I'm almost all better, so glad I went (:
And the long windy walk back with Charmaine was just icing on the cake.
Yeah.
Good day (:
I'm back to my Kristina Debarge, Jordin Sparks, gentle R&B, by the way. Haha. Probably will stumble to Alicia Keys sometime tonight!
Night!
I'm sincerely sorry for you if you're attempting to read another one of my bus notes, cause once again I have no idea where this is going.
Except for the thought that I need way more elbow room.
So. Uh. Bus with Keenan to church right now. Its been a mad week. Crazy. Still very good, but I'm kinda very miffed that my huge master plan to get so much stuff done, snowballed, day after day, and I do what needs to be done from the day before, and stuff snowballs, and we're faced with a weekend where I'm taking my work home so hopefully next week I can get back on schedule.
Still owe those ^&%#^%$# monthly logs. Granted, I perhaps might have been able to get some of these things done if I didn't use my nights for leisure and resting instead. But where do I draw the line between taking my work home? Am I slacking at work that I have to do this? I don't know, there's really no way to tell, it seems that I do a lot, but what if I'm taking too long over lunch? Too long over emails? Too long over thinking? Could someone else do this a lot faster than I could? Where do I gauge productive thinking time that I need to churn out creative stuff, vs time that I could use to rush admin work?
- music change: rock -
Ah crap I need more rock. Realised a little bit ago that the dance remixes I started this bus ride listening to wasn't what I wanted, and that 'I need more rock'.
Which is surreal. Considering Keenan is right next to me.
I don't mean pop rock. But good old hard punk rock (True rockers don't crucify me, I know very little about this kind of music). Damn. Full-bodied rock. I don't know.
Weird coincidences.
Soooooo.
IS IT ALTERNATIVE. I DON'T KNOW. HAHA.
Now playing We The Kings. Its too soft, but that's the loudest that the iTunes can go. Yes, I'm a blaster, full-surround sound, if I can hear anything else, its not loud enough.
The cell is hurrying us. Haha. Hmmm. Ahhh this cell. I miss this cell. But, i don't know, I'm also going to miss my sitting at night listening to the radio pattern, really loved that last night, learning, and by the time I get back, Sebastian and Penny are going to be over! And Afterhours too.
My home fm radios can't tune into 987 for some reason. I could do it on the net I suppose.....
Headphones still too soft. If I can still hear my bus around me in the middle of a peak hour jam, its not loud enough!
Haha. Seriously need more drown-myself-rock.
I don't have the new Green Day stuff on the Mac....
- gets off bus -
Cell was completely absolutely so mindblowingly exhilaratingly brilliant. Haha. Laughed so hard, deejayed, and even danced a bit, Shereen and Barney were trying out moves! I'm almost all better, so glad I went (:
And the long windy walk back with Charmaine was just icing on the cake.
Yeah.
Good day (:
I'm back to my Kristina Debarge, Jordin Sparks, gentle R&B, by the way. Haha. Probably will stumble to Alicia Keys sometime tonight!
Night!
Facebook Archive - 15 Jan 2010
A couple of years
And I'm gonna know your name
It's like I waited for ya forever
And I know this might sound insane
But it won’t be long
Till we're gonna take this up
I'm talking about our future love
You're so far away
Maybe you're right next door
Got me picturing your face again
Something worth waiting for
I put all the others behind me
They don't live up
I know what I want
What I need to the T
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don't even know your name
And when they ask me
Does it change?
No, it don't change a thing
‘Cause there's something
About the way you'll love me
There's just something
About the way you'll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
Walking hand in hand
Going on a second date
I can picture how we touch
And a kiss I can almost taste
I imagine all the ways
We'll meet for the very first time
I can see the place
Feel the love at first sight
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don't even know your name
And when they ask me
Does it change?
No, it don't change a thing
‘Cause there's something
About the way you'll love me
There's just something
About the way you'll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
Oh-no
The minute you pull up next to me
We standing there like destiny
When it feels like you're fighting
Just to breathe that's when you know
The minute I pull up next to you
Suddenly I don't know what to do
Everything inside you says that I'm the one
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don't even know your name
And when they ask me
Does it change?
No, it don't change a thing
‘Cause there's something
About the way you'll love me
There's just something
About the way you'll know me
That I can’t explain enough
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don't even know your name
And when they ask me
Does it change?
No, it don't change a thing
‘Cause there's something
About the way you'll love me
There's just something
About the way you'll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
- Kristina Debarge
(:
And I'm gonna know your name
It's like I waited for ya forever
And I know this might sound insane
But it won’t be long
Till we're gonna take this up
I'm talking about our future love
You're so far away
Maybe you're right next door
Got me picturing your face again
Something worth waiting for
I put all the others behind me
They don't live up
I know what I want
What I need to the T
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don't even know your name
And when they ask me
Does it change?
No, it don't change a thing
‘Cause there's something
About the way you'll love me
There's just something
About the way you'll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
Walking hand in hand
Going on a second date
I can picture how we touch
And a kiss I can almost taste
I imagine all the ways
We'll meet for the very first time
I can see the place
Feel the love at first sight
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don't even know your name
And when they ask me
Does it change?
No, it don't change a thing
‘Cause there's something
About the way you'll love me
There's just something
About the way you'll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
Oh-no
The minute you pull up next to me
We standing there like destiny
When it feels like you're fighting
Just to breathe that's when you know
The minute I pull up next to you
Suddenly I don't know what to do
Everything inside you says that I'm the one
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don't even know your name
And when they ask me
Does it change?
No, it don't change a thing
‘Cause there's something
About the way you'll love me
There's just something
About the way you'll know me
That I can’t explain enough
Baby if they asked me
I would say I don't even know your name
And when they ask me
Does it change?
No, it don't change a thing
‘Cause there's something
About the way you'll love me
There's just something
About the way you'll know me
That I can’t explain enough
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
There's just something about our
Future love
Future love
Future love
- Kristina Debarge
(:
Facebook Archive 15 Jan 2010
Wow so here I am. My first note in ages, and its being done on a bus, I'm in a good mood, Josh's dance mixes and club tracks playing in my headphones, trundling to town, simply cause I'm bored and have no reading material.
Hmm. That's right, no emo struggling issue today, or huge insight to ponder, which isn't how I envisioned my first note coming back, but hey.
Seems totally true to nature. Haha. Random, impulsive, completely irrational, racing to town to bump into Rachael, Angie and some people, before rushing to cell which is in 24 minutes, but I'm not headed there straight simply cause the next 970 is gonna take 20 minutes to come and I refuse to be waiting that long, I might as well head into town ._.
Its not that I don't have issues anymore. Haha. Broke down on Monday, rather graphically, its the first time since I can't remember when that I let myself depend on friends, instead of trying to stay strong or positive for them.
The newsroom at Heatwave is now officially the breakdown room. Haha. The amount of talks and other emotionally fragile moments that have happened in there...we should rent it out man. "Want a nice snazzy soundproof room to cry in with the lights off? Come to RadioHeatwave.com! There's the minor issue of everyone being able to see you through the windows, but we can cover those up don't worry about it. Call us at 6460 8382...."
But I'm all good. Haha. Thanks. And above all, thank you Josh and Juu for being there, its all good and it speaks volumes about how much I trust you that I allow myself to cry around you. I needed that though, was tonnes good for me. I'm great with crying in private, but allowing myself to ask for help, and be raw in front of someone else, I really needed that. Thanks guys. And of course Adin and whoever else was around (:
Sooo emo. Haha. Bus is pretty cramped right now! Going past....SCGS? And of course I'm typing with two hands.
Everyday now I thank God so much that I have two hands.
Still not sure what the point of this note is! HAHA. Bumping along the road with club remixes and dance tracks.....awesome work/travel music. Haha thank youuuuu deejay josh. :D
American woman next to me on the bus reading her e-book reader next to me seems cool.
On that note, there was this totally cute girl trying to get on the crowded 74 on the stop after school. Haha. Awwww. I was stuck right at the front door, where you're already trying to dodge the closing doors while standing on the steps, and she was the only one at the bus stop, and totally unsure whether she should come on or not! Soooo cute. Hahaha. I was trying to make space for her, a little bit, OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART, NOT CAUSE SHE WAS CUTE OKAY MAYBE, but no one in front of me seemed to be moving!
And the bus uncle had to ask her if she wanted to get on the bus. Hahahaa.
No, the totally gorgeous and confident Keann did not hit on her. Sorrryyyy lahhhh I'm totally the shyest person on earth yes.
Speaking of girls.
Oh do I really want to do this now. HAHA.
I GUESS NOT.
OKAY MAYBE.
WELL OKAY NAH
BUT UH.
._.
I'll leave my heart to debate on whether I want to talk about girls or not, while my brain registers that I'm at Novena, its gonna be 730 in 6 minutes, and Lies Remixed is a totally awesome track.
Shiz yeah :D
Hmmmmmm girls. Ah, but there's no one!
I'm too flippant at the moment to do a deep "seeking love" post, and still too protective of my heart to do the "omg so and so is really cute" with hints of who these people are. I firmly believe that talking about secret crushes can ruin lives, and if I wanted to hint it, it always does more damage than its worth.
Huh. So no talking about what my fingers are dying to type about right now, BUT ITS ALL GOOD.
Is there somebooodyyyyy. Who still believes in looooovvveee,
I'm just killing time really. Sorry if you came here for a totally introspective life-illuminating post, but I don't think that's where this is going right now, especially since I'm getting off soon D:
Ohhhhh nuts its 730 now shouldn't I just stay at town. Of course not, I stop by Rachael and the others for like 2 minutes, and then I run to the bus stop and put my remixes back in my headphones.
Waiting for the 970 back at school would take the same time anyway D: I feel a bit more productive this way, as well as exciting. Haha.
I NEEEEDD NEW CLOTHESSSS. I TOTALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M WEARING WHAT I FEEL I SHOULD BE WEARING.
Hmmmmmphhhh. Oh Christmas lights are off D:
Getting off v v soon! Like two stops. At least I THINK that's where they are, which is the Cathay....uhhhhh.
They better not be at Far East. Haha.
OKAY LATER. Thanks for staying tuned to this not-so-regularly-scheduled-okay-who-are-we-kidding-not-at-all-totally-pointless-but-totally-awesome-thoughtbit of Keann.
LATER :D
-aftermath-
Uh. Haha that was interesting! HMMMMMM.
*grabs music and headphones and chills on a double decker home*
Thank you God for everything today (:
Hmm. That's right, no emo struggling issue today, or huge insight to ponder, which isn't how I envisioned my first note coming back, but hey.
Seems totally true to nature. Haha. Random, impulsive, completely irrational, racing to town to bump into Rachael, Angie and some people, before rushing to cell which is in 24 minutes, but I'm not headed there straight simply cause the next 970 is gonna take 20 minutes to come and I refuse to be waiting that long, I might as well head into town ._.
Its not that I don't have issues anymore. Haha. Broke down on Monday, rather graphically, its the first time since I can't remember when that I let myself depend on friends, instead of trying to stay strong or positive for them.
The newsroom at Heatwave is now officially the breakdown room. Haha. The amount of talks and other emotionally fragile moments that have happened in there...we should rent it out man. "Want a nice snazzy soundproof room to cry in with the lights off? Come to RadioHeatwave.com! There's the minor issue of everyone being able to see you through the windows, but we can cover those up don't worry about it. Call us at 6460 8382...."
But I'm all good. Haha. Thanks. And above all, thank you Josh and Juu for being there, its all good and it speaks volumes about how much I trust you that I allow myself to cry around you. I needed that though, was tonnes good for me. I'm great with crying in private, but allowing myself to ask for help, and be raw in front of someone else, I really needed that. Thanks guys. And of course Adin and whoever else was around (:
Sooo emo. Haha. Bus is pretty cramped right now! Going past....SCGS? And of course I'm typing with two hands.
Everyday now I thank God so much that I have two hands.
Still not sure what the point of this note is! HAHA. Bumping along the road with club remixes and dance tracks.....awesome work/travel music. Haha thank youuuuu deejay josh. :D
American woman next to me on the bus reading her e-book reader next to me seems cool.
On that note, there was this totally cute girl trying to get on the crowded 74 on the stop after school. Haha. Awwww. I was stuck right at the front door, where you're already trying to dodge the closing doors while standing on the steps, and she was the only one at the bus stop, and totally unsure whether she should come on or not! Soooo cute. Hahaha. I was trying to make space for her, a little bit, OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART, NOT CAUSE SHE WAS CUTE OKAY MAYBE, but no one in front of me seemed to be moving!
And the bus uncle had to ask her if she wanted to get on the bus. Hahahaa.
No, the totally gorgeous and confident Keann did not hit on her. Sorrryyyy lahhhh I'm totally the shyest person on earth yes.
Speaking of girls.
Oh do I really want to do this now. HAHA.
I GUESS NOT.
OKAY MAYBE.
WELL OKAY NAH
BUT UH.
._.
I'll leave my heart to debate on whether I want to talk about girls or not, while my brain registers that I'm at Novena, its gonna be 730 in 6 minutes, and Lies Remixed is a totally awesome track.
Shiz yeah :D
Hmmmmmm girls. Ah, but there's no one!
I'm too flippant at the moment to do a deep "seeking love" post, and still too protective of my heart to do the "omg so and so is really cute" with hints of who these people are. I firmly believe that talking about secret crushes can ruin lives, and if I wanted to hint it, it always does more damage than its worth.
Huh. So no talking about what my fingers are dying to type about right now, BUT ITS ALL GOOD.
Is there somebooodyyyyy. Who still believes in looooovvveee,
I'm just killing time really. Sorry if you came here for a totally introspective life-illuminating post, but I don't think that's where this is going right now, especially since I'm getting off soon D:
Ohhhhh nuts its 730 now shouldn't I just stay at town. Of course not, I stop by Rachael and the others for like 2 minutes, and then I run to the bus stop and put my remixes back in my headphones.
Waiting for the 970 back at school would take the same time anyway D: I feel a bit more productive this way, as well as exciting. Haha.
I NEEEEDD NEW CLOTHESSSS. I TOTALLY DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M WEARING WHAT I FEEL I SHOULD BE WEARING.
Hmmmmmphhhh. Oh Christmas lights are off D:
Getting off v v soon! Like two stops. At least I THINK that's where they are, which is the Cathay....uhhhhh.
They better not be at Far East. Haha.
OKAY LATER. Thanks for staying tuned to this not-so-regularly-scheduled
LATER :D
-aftermath-
Uh. Haha that was interesting! HMMMMMM.
*grabs music and headphones and chills on a double decker home*
Thank you God for everything today (:
Alexis Fyl
Didn't I just see you on MONDAY?!
January 15 at 1:50am ·
Facebook Archive - 24 Nov 2009
SO HI YEAH I'M ALMOST LATE, AND I GRABBED A CAB, AND THERE GOES THE 15 BUCKS MY MOM PROVIDENTIALLY GAVE ME ):
Sigh. What was I going to say? Oh yeah. I wasn't going to write today. Thought I'd steal my brother's DS and play Pokemon all the way to school to destress.
Hey, hard-earned k. Been working the whole day, then working on website while drifting in and out of sleep, on a very tired constitution.
And of course it still isn't done. But not for lack of trying...I wish I could return to the days where I could put in an all-in for work, and not sleep for two days to finish work, and feel miserable the next day and crash very fast for very long. But my body no longer allows me to get away with that, if I don't get sleep, my productivity plummets drastically, I can't turn it off anymore, and my body drags me to bed eventually, whether its a bed, chair,floor, canteen table...
GOOOOOO TAXI DRIVER SPEEEEED RACERRRR.
Yup so anyhoo, my work isn't done. It will be done today, at the same rate of productivity had I managed to hit it all last night and collapse today in a drunken stupor, but I do wish I had the latter somehow, at least it would have been done earlier :/
I feel pretty good though, today is another day where I can't do anything on my own BUT GOD CAN, AND GOD IS AMAZING, SO TODAY WILL BE AMAZING.
Rarrgh.
Plus all the friends that I love very dearly that I will get to see, but seeing them detracts from my productivity...equals?
Don't answer that.
Hmmph.
I was pondering in the shower in my usual shower-ponder:
It doesn't matter what we have achieved in life as long as we are happy, excited and entertained in every moment of it. And if we're not happy, excited and entertained reaching for an achievement, perhaps we should re-evaluate our goals.
Personally, what makes me happy, excited and entertained in day-to-day moments, is finding other people searching to be happy, excited and entertained in day-to-day moments, who coincidentally are happy, excited and entertained when they find me, someone who is deliriously happy when I find people like them.
And so me and my friends gain the ability to be happy and high about nothing else other than the knowledge of each other existing.
This happens more often than you might think. HAHAHAHAHHAHA.
OKAY TAXI RIDE OVER GET TO BROADCAST NAO
Sigh. What was I going to say? Oh yeah. I wasn't going to write today. Thought I'd steal my brother's DS and play Pokemon all the way to school to destress.
Hey, hard-earned k. Been working the whole day, then working on website while drifting in and out of sleep, on a very tired constitution.
And of course it still isn't done. But not for lack of trying...I wish I could return to the days where I could put in an all-in for work, and not sleep for two days to finish work, and feel miserable the next day and crash very fast for very long. But my body no longer allows me to get away with that, if I don't get sleep, my productivity plummets drastically, I can't turn it off anymore, and my body drags me to bed eventually, whether its a bed, chair,floor, canteen table...
GOOOOOO TAXI DRIVER SPEEEEED RACERRRR.
Yup so anyhoo, my work isn't done. It will be done today, at the same rate of productivity had I managed to hit it all last night and collapse today in a drunken stupor, but I do wish I had the latter somehow, at least it would have been done earlier :/
I feel pretty good though, today is another day where I can't do anything on my own BUT GOD CAN, AND GOD IS AMAZING, SO TODAY WILL BE AMAZING.
Rarrgh.
Plus all the friends that I love very dearly that I will get to see, but seeing them detracts from my productivity...equals?
Don't answer that.
Hmmph.
I was pondering in the shower in my usual shower-ponder:
It doesn't matter what we have achieved in life as long as we are happy, excited and entertained in every moment of it. And if we're not happy, excited and entertained reaching for an achievement, perhaps we should re-evaluate our goals.
Personally, what makes me happy, excited and entertained in day-to-day moments, is finding other people searching to be happy, excited and entertained in day-to-day moments, who coincidentally are happy, excited and entertained when they find me, someone who is deliriously happy when I find people like them.
And so me and my friends gain the ability to be happy and high about nothing else other than the knowledge of each other existing.
This happens more often than you might think. HAHAHAHAHHAHA.
OKAY TAXI RIDE OVER GET TO BROADCAST NAO
Tina Rim Shi En
i love reading all your notes
November 28, 2009 at 3:00am ·
Facebook Archive - 23 Nov 2009
Hello God,
Lots of stuff I want to write, I think. Rah. But first, hi. Just typing out a bit of stuff makes me feel better already, its clear that writing does make me feel better, just like showering does, and the devil always wants to rob me of that by telling me just how much trouble it is, what a hassle...
And so of course I haven't written for a very long while. But there's just something awesome about rambling onto a page without care for any structure except the state my mind already is it, I am writer, editor and subeditor of the Keann Magazine.
Hurhurhurrr. Anyhoo. I feel like crap. Actually now that I've started writing, I feel a bit less like crap, but still. Where's the perfect joy you promised, God. Cause I don't really feel that right now.
I feel stressed, Dad. Rah. And very inadequate. Yes, I know you will meet all my needs. Just gotta depend on you. But sometimes dad, it feels like I'm doing that, and stuff isn't happening. You aren't coming through. It doesn't feel good.
Then you do come through a little bit, simple thing like the bus coming just when I ask you to send it, awesome friends like Liz being there to support me, Red Camp being absolutely freaking brilliant..
Then the little bad things come in, like losing my keys, having insurmountable website odds to beat, personality posters not up yet, not a single gig done, not a single event done, committees not doing anything yet cause I haven't asked them to, and me being all over the place trying to scramble organisation into my life, which really isn't my strong suit and all.
Its hard to remember that everything happens for a reason, somehow, now, though everything I've learnt in the past, and everything I've experienced, great things that they are, have shown me that. I keep trying to tap onto your joy and peace with faith, but I don't see much happening.
I mean, partly its my fault as well. You know how hard it is for me to do work, God. You know how hard it is for me to just get started. And even now radio seems like work, and today I woke up feeling good, and suddenly its gone again.
I feel very dry and brittle, I can be emotionally high and healthy and go from that to zero in two seconds because of all the things that are plaguing me.
I know this isn't the way.
I know I'm more than a conqueror, but right now it seems like I'm doing a whole lot of hanging on and not a whole lot of conquering. And I don't like that. I don't like seeing my limitations. Where's the complete victory you promised, God?
And then I remember that the huge things that I'm going through is nothing compared to disasters in the Philippines, people losing loved ones, war zones, scared little children getting raped day in and day out.
And I feel even smaller. How could I possibly think my problems are that big....but they are, you know?
I refuse though. I refuse to join the masses that ask "God why is this happening. God, why do you make bad things happen. There isn't a God."
I flat-out refuse to go there. It scares me to let myself go there. I want to go out fighting, knowing there is a God I believe in that does good things for me.
Because I have seen it, felt it, heard His Voice, seen his miracles happen right before my eyes and confirmed but I really His Word, and even if I'm not emotionally hyped up by all of it now, I'm digging in. With all my gut.
I do wish I could be in it again, though. And I know it can happen at just a drop of a hat. God can come and sweep in and leave me slack-jawed, just like He loves to, and keep me rushing in a river of joy and hope and power, nothing can go wrong, overflowing and brimming with love.
And so I try to expect it every day. You know. The schoolwork miracles. Like the kind I used to have. All of that. The "I give up this for God" and "he comes through with my schoolwork that I hardly had time to do and I score well miraculously".
And it doesn't happen. ALl that happens now is that my work doesn't get done.
And its a bit tiring, Dad. I know, somewhere, deep down, that you meet all my needs, but I really could catch a break, you know?
Of course, perhaps the reason I feel this way, is that the disciplining that God told me was my year for it, is working. Like, trial by fire isn't trial by fire if it tickles, you know.
Pushing me beyond my limit, etc. Haha. So in that sense, the reason why I feel so up against the wall, is cause I will need to take all of this that I'm learning and use it in even bigger situations in the future.
I would love to win, now, though, God. I firmly believe that in the midst of all this trial it is completely possible and natural to laugh my way through, and celebrate in victory. Its everything that I've been taught.
But its v v hard.
Which I think is the point.
Teaching me the endurance I lack, instead of the instant "fast-food" zero-to-hero rush I'm used to, and revel in.
But its not fun.
Which I think is the point.
See the circular logic here? HAHAHAHA.
Okay now that's funny. Maybe the conditioning's working.
Brrrr. I'm glad I wrote, though. Getting it all down on paper really helps my mind to keep track and not get lost and distracted, at the speed that it moves.
Hahahaha. Well. Gonna hit school, and worship. I'm looking forward to it now.
Today's gonna be a crazy day, on so many levels, and not instantly-rewarding like Red Camp, or the teenage Christian life that I'm used to.
And I think that's the point. Just gotta keep remembering that.
Now, school, worship first, then everything else (;
Lots of stuff I want to write, I think. Rah. But first, hi. Just typing out a bit of stuff makes me feel better already, its clear that writing does make me feel better, just like showering does, and the devil always wants to rob me of that by telling me just how much trouble it is, what a hassle...
And so of course I haven't written for a very long while. But there's just something awesome about rambling onto a page without care for any structure except the state my mind already is it, I am writer, editor and subeditor of the Keann Magazine.
Hurhurhurrr. Anyhoo. I feel like crap. Actually now that I've started writing, I feel a bit less like crap, but still. Where's the perfect joy you promised, God. Cause I don't really feel that right now.
I feel stressed, Dad. Rah. And very inadequate. Yes, I know you will meet all my needs. Just gotta depend on you. But sometimes dad, it feels like I'm doing that, and stuff isn't happening. You aren't coming through. It doesn't feel good.
Then you do come through a little bit, simple thing like the bus coming just when I ask you to send it, awesome friends like Liz being there to support me, Red Camp being absolutely freaking brilliant..
Then the little bad things come in, like losing my keys, having insurmountable website odds to beat, personality posters not up yet, not a single gig done, not a single event done, committees not doing anything yet cause I haven't asked them to, and me being all over the place trying to scramble organisation into my life, which really isn't my strong suit and all.
Its hard to remember that everything happens for a reason, somehow, now, though everything I've learnt in the past, and everything I've experienced, great things that they are, have shown me that. I keep trying to tap onto your joy and peace with faith, but I don't see much happening.
I mean, partly its my fault as well. You know how hard it is for me to do work, God. You know how hard it is for me to just get started. And even now radio seems like work, and today I woke up feeling good, and suddenly its gone again.
I feel very dry and brittle, I can be emotionally high and healthy and go from that to zero in two seconds because of all the things that are plaguing me.
I know this isn't the way.
I know I'm more than a conqueror, but right now it seems like I'm doing a whole lot of hanging on and not a whole lot of conquering. And I don't like that. I don't like seeing my limitations. Where's the complete victory you promised, God?
And then I remember that the huge things that I'm going through is nothing compared to disasters in the Philippines, people losing loved ones, war zones, scared little children getting raped day in and day out.
And I feel even smaller. How could I possibly think my problems are that big....but they are, you know?
I refuse though. I refuse to join the masses that ask "God why is this happening. God, why do you make bad things happen. There isn't a God."
I flat-out refuse to go there. It scares me to let myself go there. I want to go out fighting, knowing there is a God I believe in that does good things for me.
Because I have seen it, felt it, heard His Voice, seen his miracles happen right before my eyes and confirmed but I really His Word, and even if I'm not emotionally hyped up by all of it now, I'm digging in. With all my gut.
I do wish I could be in it again, though. And I know it can happen at just a drop of a hat. God can come and sweep in and leave me slack-jawed, just like He loves to, and keep me rushing in a river of joy and hope and power, nothing can go wrong, overflowing and brimming with love.
And so I try to expect it every day. You know. The schoolwork miracles. Like the kind I used to have. All of that. The "I give up this for God" and "he comes through with my schoolwork that I hardly had time to do and I score well miraculously".
And it doesn't happen. ALl that happens now is that my work doesn't get done.
And its a bit tiring, Dad. I know, somewhere, deep down, that you meet all my needs, but I really could catch a break, you know?
Of course, perhaps the reason I feel this way, is that the disciplining that God told me was my year for it, is working. Like, trial by fire isn't trial by fire if it tickles, you know.
Pushing me beyond my limit, etc. Haha. So in that sense, the reason why I feel so up against the wall, is cause I will need to take all of this that I'm learning and use it in even bigger situations in the future.
I would love to win, now, though, God. I firmly believe that in the midst of all this trial it is completely possible and natural to laugh my way through, and celebrate in victory. Its everything that I've been taught.
But its v v hard.
Which I think is the point.
Teaching me the endurance I lack, instead of the instant "fast-food" zero-to-hero rush I'm used to, and revel in.
But its not fun.
Which I think is the point.
See the circular logic here? HAHAHAHA.
Okay now that's funny. Maybe the conditioning's working.
Brrrr. I'm glad I wrote, though. Getting it all down on paper really helps my mind to keep track and not get lost and distracted, at the speed that it moves.
Hahahaha. Well. Gonna hit school, and worship. I'm looking forward to it now.
Today's gonna be a crazy day, on so many levels, and not instantly-rewarding like Red Camp, or the teenage Christian life that I'm used to.
And I think that's the point. Just gotta keep remembering that.
Now, school, worship first, then everything else (;
Facebook Archive - 31 August 2009
1) Fanlist can be found here: http://apps.facebook.com/fancheck/
2.) Write the names of everyone on your Fanlist below.
3.) DO NOT READ THE QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU PUT IN YOUR ANSWERS. JUST DON'T DO IT.
4.) Tag everyone you mentioned.
1) Leonard Tang Wei Chong
2) Lim Wei Qi
3) Keenan Mackenzie
4) Shery Deliah Chan
5) Joel Cheng
6) Rachael Defoe
7) Tina Rim
8) Amanda Joy
9) Pearl Lam
10) Germaine Cheah
11) Valerie Chia
12) Dion Jeremy Lee
13) Marianne Loh
14) Chai Jia En
15) Sherry Wong
16) Dionel Desuzer
17) Brenda Teo
18) Ning Leow
19) Tiffany Yeo
20) Aneza Ramzeen
21) JianHao Ng
22) Liqing Su
23) Fifi Fuerza
24) Melodie Ghui
25) Alyssa Teo
→ Are you honestly surprised about any of these?
YES. Its super recent stuff! And some people I'm closer to made the 26/27 numbers so I can't put them on here darn ):
→ How did you meet 4?
( Shery) HAHA. Adin Kinderman. Met her when I was having a rather dark "my friends have left me" day and her and her crazy bunch of people really helped that, nutter truth or dares in the middle of orchard road (:
→ How much does 9 mean to you?
(Pearl) HAHA. Honestly not much! Yet. Hi new 'cell leader'. Hahahaa. That will change in time to come I bet (:
→ Describe 14 in two words.
(Jia En) RADIO. COUSIN. Haha cool (:
→ What is your most fond memory with 19?
(Tiffany) Haha its quite vague by now but FOC camp! That whole experience was really fun (:
→ Do you know all of 2's secrets?
(Wei Qi) Hardly. Haha.
→ If you could marry either 1 or 21, who would it be?
(Leonard or JianHao)NOOOOOOO. NUUUUUU.
→ How far do you think you are on 22's stalkerlist?
(Li Qing) Heehee I bet liqing is secretly in love with me.
→ When is the next time you're going to see 7?
(Tina) TOO FAR AWAY. Saturday I think! Darn! Tina I miss you haha.
→ When is the last time you saw 17?
(Brenda) LOOOL LIKE AN HOUR AGO. Spent pretty much almost all of baybeats with her, haha.
→ How do you think 13 feels about Dancing pigs?
(Marianne) HAHAHAHHAHA SHE'D JOIN IN.
→ Are 11 and 12 anything like each other?
(Valerie & Dion) LOL they be both FMS students. And they both secretly like dance. Maybe not so secretly. Christian. Both know Melvin and Sharon. I think.
→ Describe the relationship between 14 and 20
(Jai En & Aneza) Nope.
→ Would you ever want to date 18?
(Ning) HAHAHAHAHAHAH Ning I love you like crazy as a sister, it would be too funny. Haha. Oh man.
→ Is 10 single?
(Germaine) Nope (:
→ If you had never met 6, how would your life be different?
(DEFOE) WELL. I WOULDN'T HATE GOLF.
Oh who am I kidding.
→ If you could tell 8 one thing right now, what would it be?
(Amanda) AMANDA MANDA MANDA MANDA MANDA SHOW :D Hi I love you and you're cool looking forward to seeing you again (:
→ How did you meet 16?
(Dionel) Gee not sure! Was it the campfire? Or before?
→ How did you come to be friends with 23?
(FIFI) I'M NOT QUITE SURE BUT I <3 HER VERY VERY MUCH FIFI (:
→ If 3 died, would you be lost?
(Keenan) Yikes. That would be pretty epic. But no I wouldn't be. Wouldn't worry too much about him or me, but damn.
That would really really suck.
Bad.
→Weirdest thing you've ever seen 4 do?
(Shery) Chuckle.
→ What is 5's only weakness?
(JOEL) TOFU.
→ Does 24 like char siew bao da bao or dao sar pao?
(Mel) HOW DO I KNOW I KNOW SHE LIKES ANBERLIN K.
→ Do you think 8 and 1 would make a good couple?
(Leonard & Amanda) HAHHAHAHAHAH YES YOU TWO SHOULD TOTALLY DATE NOW.
→ Who is 7 to you?
(Tina) Wow. An amazing inspiration, role model and pillar of support although she is younger. I know I can always count on her and if she doesn't want to do something I want to do that's okay, because we are quite different people(: But I can always count on her (:
→ What is the one thing 16 likes?
(Dionel) EDMON
→ If 1 and 3 hated each other, what would change?
(Leonard & Keenan) Lol church would change drastically. All out counterstrike style water bomb wars.
Heh.
→ If 2 said to you that she loved 5, what would your response be?
(Wei Qi & Joel) Uh.
→ Is 11 anything like 19?
(Val & Tiff) . Don't know!
→ Do you trust in 12?
(Dion) Well, interesting. Half a year I would have said no but things have changed. I'm constantly learning more about him and I'd definitely trust him with work, that's for sure. Thanks for everything, Dion.
→ If you fell off a bridge, would you trust 13 or 17 to catch you more and why?
(Marianne & Brenda) HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.
God let me go quickly.
Who do you like most out of all of these?
I LIKE. WELL. OLI KNOWS. UH.
2.) Write the names of everyone on your Fanlist below.
3.) DO NOT READ THE QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU PUT IN YOUR ANSWERS. JUST DON'T DO IT.
4.) Tag everyone you mentioned.
1) Leonard Tang Wei Chong
2) Lim Wei Qi
3) Keenan Mackenzie
4) Shery Deliah Chan
5) Joel Cheng
6) Rachael Defoe
7) Tina Rim
8) Amanda Joy
9) Pearl Lam
10) Germaine Cheah
11) Valerie Chia
12) Dion Jeremy Lee
13) Marianne Loh
14) Chai Jia En
15) Sherry Wong
16) Dionel Desuzer
17) Brenda Teo
18) Ning Leow
19) Tiffany Yeo
20) Aneza Ramzeen
21) JianHao Ng
22) Liqing Su
23) Fifi Fuerza
24) Melodie Ghui
25) Alyssa Teo
→ Are you honestly surprised about any of these?
YES. Its super recent stuff! And some people I'm closer to made the 26/27 numbers so I can't put them on here darn ):
→ How did you meet 4?
( Shery) HAHA. Adin Kinderman. Met her when I was having a rather dark "my friends have left me" day and her and her crazy bunch of people really helped that, nutter truth or dares in the middle of orchard road (:
→ How much does 9 mean to you?
(Pearl) HAHA. Honestly not much! Yet. Hi new 'cell leader'. Hahahaa. That will change in time to come I bet (:
→ Describe 14 in two words.
(Jia En) RADIO. COUSIN. Haha cool (:
→ What is your most fond memory with 19?
(Tiffany) Haha its quite vague by now but FOC camp! That whole experience was really fun (:
→ Do you know all of 2's secrets?
(Wei Qi) Hardly. Haha.
→ If you could marry either 1 or 21, who would it be?
(Leonard or JianHao)NOOOOOOO. NUUUUUU.
→ How far do you think you are on 22's stalkerlist?
(Li Qing) Heehee I bet liqing is secretly in love with me.
→ When is the next time you're going to see 7?
(Tina) TOO FAR AWAY. Saturday I think! Darn! Tina I miss you haha.
→ When is the last time you saw 17?
(Brenda) LOOOL LIKE AN HOUR AGO. Spent pretty much almost all of baybeats with her, haha.
→ How do you think 13 feels about Dancing pigs?
(Marianne) HAHAHAHHAHA SHE'D JOIN IN.
→ Are 11 and 12 anything like each other?
(Valerie & Dion) LOL they be both FMS students. And they both secretly like dance. Maybe not so secretly. Christian. Both know Melvin and Sharon. I think.
→ Describe the relationship between 14 and 20
(Jai En & Aneza) Nope.
→ Would you ever want to date 18?
(Ning) HAHAHAHAHAHAH Ning I love you like crazy as a sister, it would be too funny. Haha. Oh man.
→ Is 10 single?
(Germaine) Nope (:
→ If you had never met 6, how would your life be different?
(DEFOE) WELL. I WOULDN'T HATE GOLF.
Oh who am I kidding.
→ If you could tell 8 one thing right now, what would it be?
(Amanda) AMANDA MANDA MANDA MANDA MANDA SHOW :D Hi I love you and you're cool looking forward to seeing you again (:
→ How did you meet 16?
(Dionel) Gee not sure! Was it the campfire? Or before?
→ How did you come to be friends with 23?
(FIFI) I'M NOT QUITE SURE BUT I <3 HER VERY VERY MUCH FIFI (:
→ If 3 died, would you be lost?
(Keenan) Yikes. That would be pretty epic. But no I wouldn't be. Wouldn't worry too much about him or me, but damn.
That would really really suck.
Bad.
→Weirdest thing you've ever seen 4 do?
(Shery) Chuckle.
→ What is 5's only weakness?
(JOEL) TOFU.
→ Does 24 like char siew bao da bao or dao sar pao?
(Mel) HOW DO I KNOW I KNOW SHE LIKES ANBERLIN K.
→ Do you think 8 and 1 would make a good couple?
(Leonard & Amanda) HAHHAHAHAHAH YES YOU TWO SHOULD TOTALLY DATE NOW.
→ Who is 7 to you?
(Tina) Wow. An amazing inspiration, role model and pillar of support although she is younger. I know I can always count on her and if she doesn't want to do something I want to do that's okay, because we are quite different people(: But I can always count on her (:
→ What is the one thing 16 likes?
(Dionel) EDMON
→ If 1 and 3 hated each other, what would change?
(Leonard & Keenan) Lol church would change drastically. All out counterstrike style water bomb wars.
Heh.
→ If 2 said to you that she loved 5, what would your response be?
(Wei Qi & Joel) Uh.
→ Is 11 anything like 19?
(Val & Tiff) . Don't know!
→ Do you trust in 12?
(Dion) Well, interesting. Half a year I would have said no but things have changed. I'm constantly learning more about him and I'd definitely trust him with work, that's for sure. Thanks for everything, Dion.
→ If you fell off a bridge, would you trust 13 or 17 to catch you more and why?
(Marianne & Brenda) HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
God let me go quickly.
Who do you like most out of all of these?
I LIKE. WELL. OLI KNOWS. UH.
Tiffany Eunhyuk Yeo
surprisingly you still rmb me. haha!
August 31, 2009 at 2:13am ·
Keann Chong
you think. haha. But yeah quite random quiz right! Haha
August 31, 2009 at 2:14am ·
Dion Jeremy Lee 왕태자
well...
Thank you is the only thing needful to say now. :)
Thank you is the only thing needful to say now. :)
August 31, 2009 at 2:42am ·
Tiffany Eunhyuk Yeo
super random!
August 31, 2009 at 3:00am ·
Leonard Tang Wei Chong
hahaha i'm fresh out of army so i think i'll own.. haha i dont really know amanda that well yet and i think i'm too old for her lol
August 31, 2009 at 9:12am ·
Keenan MacKenzie
lolwat
August 31, 2009 at 9:49am ·
Leonard Tang Wei Chong
haha keenan you know i love you man
August 31, 2009 at 9:51am ·
Keenan MacKenzie
? why
August 31, 2009 at 9:52am ·
August 31, 2009 at 9:52am ·
Keenan MacKenzie
Grr
August 31, 2009 at 9:53am ·
Leonard Tang Wei Chong
why grr?
August 31, 2009 at 9:54am ·
Keenan MacKenzie
Grr [Fierce Face]
August 31, 2009 at 9:55am ·
Leonard Tang Wei Chong
wa i said i love you like that sad sia
August 31, 2009 at 9:56am ·
Keenan MacKenzie
HAHAHA
August 31, 2009 at 9:58am ·
Pearl Lam
i mean "NOT MUCH" to you? haha...
September 1, 2009 at 10:21pm ·
Keann Chong
I think I phrased that a bit wrongly than it was in my head. Haha. But liek yeah! Don't know very much about yet, tho I'm sure that will change in the weeks/months to come (:
September 2, 2009 at 12:00am ·
Rachael Defoe
*glares at comment on golf.*
September 2, 2009 at 9:44pm ·
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