7 March 2010 - Leaders Advance

7 March 2010

Haha Hello God. How are we? Hopefully I'm starting journalling again. I want to. I want to do thissssss. Firstly, thank you for the good night's sleep that I've had, it was really comfortable, even though I wanted to use the floor, it was so fun! Haha. Crazy.

Well, I don't know where this journal entry is going. But. Its impt to start anyway. Ahhhh.

You'll Come
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

Well. Woke up this morning. Was pretty happy. And missing Rachael like crazy. Haha. Esp after I logged on Skype and she was there. Ohhhhh mannnnn. She's so beautiful. And so sweet. And she likes me. Its nuts. Am I allowed to gush here? Might as well. Her eyes, her hair, her face, her smile - its impossible not to look at her during service, and I'm fighting to not, and I'm pretty aware that she's fighting to not as well, and we're hardly talking, but its comfortable in a 'omg i'm dying here' kinda way. Haha sigh. We hardly talk during service, and already 10 minutes after that I miss her like crazy. This is nuts. I know its infatuation. It feels right. And she's sooooooooooo amazing, God. So small and amazing, and tender, and nuts, thank you? Haha. Ursh. I really do miss her loads. This is pretty crazy. We still only do goodbye hugs. That's our only point of physical contact. So that's like, once a week, because I think we're pretty determined to not take time out to meet each other, esp when we're so busy, and we're trying to be just friends. Its nuts. But weirdly enough it helps loads. its something to look forward to like crazy, and it really encourages me/us, that little bit of contact helping to keep us going - i honestly prefer it to Sam and Hannah not touching at all, but them being wayyyyy closer with words and all. I mean, I don't want to comment much. But we do function differently. Rachael and I hardly phone talk. I think we know what it'll do. Hannah and Sam phonetalk loaddsssss. Haha well. And of course, Rach and I are public. They're keeping it a secret. I think we're watching each other to see which is more beneficial, though I do prefer mine. It means I can be honest, with leaders/members/whoever, and share about how this relationship is pointing me to God and his wonderfulness and the magnitude of his love a little bit more, when God reveals stuff to me and hits me - very cool. Haha.

Last night at the end, I felt God prompt me maybe to release to the public the understanding that He'd been revealing to me, you know, now that someone likes me, and I like that person back, and we're insane over each other, and missing each other like crazy, and how that's just a tiny fraction of how God loves us, in a take-my-breath-away-gasp kinda way - man. I thought I knew God's love. Haha.

Well, I was prompted to release it? But thought I better talk to Ps Josh first. And he advised me that it was more for myself at this point. I see the wisdom there. Haha. And he used the opportunity to drive home the point that who do I love more. Rachael or God. And of course its God. But what do I do about that. Which made me kinda meh ;/ - why are you using this time to drive home a point - but I get it. I get the value and importance of the lesson, and him seeing the opportunity to, and how I can do that in the future to others as well. Even though it does break the flow of emotion. Hmm



Well yup yup. Lots happened from after service to this morning. Lotttsssss.

Arrrgh. Rachael. Missing you lots. Missing your cannonballs. Its so funny how now when we do get those hugs, they fail a bit because we are so eager we actually hit each other, instead of an embrace, but we don't get a second try of course :p

Owelllll. This is worth it though. So worth it. Ahhh. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I'm an idiot. Haha. Shucks.

I was pondering how Sam 'forbids' Hannah to do certain things, or really pushes her to do her work? I mean, me and Rachael have had mini situations like that already, 'ahhhh I need to do my work' moments, but I don't do that? I mean, I never want to be that kind of guy. The order-you-around kind, even if its for your good. Whether we're together or not. Oppressive is :/ That's an extreme though. But usually what I do is that I remain open. I'll gently say 'go do it', but if its hard, I understand, and I'm here anyway. Y'know. Its the person I always wanted to be. Available. Supportive. Its not saying I can't give orders, but I see the value in not. I hope this doesn't mean I'm not a 'take the lead' kinda guy. I'm just more accepting. Haha. Weeeeeellll. Me and Rachael are more like ":p" than serious, but of course, that's because Hannah/Sam and Rachael/I function differently, I vaguely think on some level that 'we're more fun', but that's such hubris. Ugh. haha.

I'm sure we have fun on different levels that appreciate the world to us on that level (:


Yeahhhhhhhhh. Course I'm talking about all of this instead cause I want to avoid talking about last night :/ Bleh. Sarah bleh. Hannah bleh. I mean, good but bleh. Mehhhhhhhhhh.

Was absolutely crushed last night. Which made me feel even worse that I was getting crushed. Which crushed me more. Which made me feel ever worse - y'know. The cycle. Haha sigh. it was really bad. It felt reaaaaaaaaaalllllly bad. I was so disgusted at my ' lonely in a crowd' symptoms, I know most people go through that sometime, but I guess I've prided myself for a long while, and thanked God that I don't go through that? So when I did, I had no idea what to do. Just felt really really bummed. And lonely. And wanted someone to say hi. But idk.



I think Sarah's really really cute. Haha. I mean, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be with her, but she's really, really, really cute. And new too. That's intriguing. I really love forming new 'brilliant magic best of friends' friendships. And I guess she's someone I feel I can build that with. I mean, she's really cute, and bouncy (which I love), and passionate for God, and yet serious in the cutest ways. Haha. Yes I know I like Rachael. I multi-crush. This is normal for me. But its what we do about it that matters! And I love using attraction to build a friendship. And it was only happening on some level, but not the powerful insta-magnet thing. I mean, lots of reasons. Leader setting means I can't be as physically affectionate? I mean it only as a friend, but most of the leaders don't do the hugs and whatever thing, so I don't want everyone to think that I'm only hugging her. Though she does do hugs loads. And of course lack of opportunity to grab her, bring her someplace crazy, pair up, partner in crime, and sit and talk the night away. Discover each other. Silly I know. But that's how me and Hannah started out. I love that.

And she's sooooooo coooool. But its not happening. Haha. I mean, its great that she's talking to the other people. So close to La. Close to Marcus Cheong, Chill in general. Also, very wise. I suspect that she is intentionally staying away from my efforts a little bit because she wonders if I like her, and she wants to keep that distance. Which is cool but meh :/

But she's sooooooo coooool. Ahhhhh. Usually another defence I have, is just removing myself from the situation, and hanging out with everyone else. Y'know. Live my own life. But I guess relative close proximity over the past couple of days, leader stuff and advance and all. Yep. I guess I'm just not used to the 'rejection'? Couldn't understand why its happening. Its happened before with....Olivia, but everyone's different of course. Oli is more on the extreme spectrum of 'I don't get you'. Haha. Though I think she's really cool. But owell.

On some level, there are probably people that think that about me as well, and want to dearly hang out with me, but I don't see that. And its not because I have any malice towards them. :/

So :/


Rarrrrhhhh. But yeah. The (very small) Sarah thing was a huge bummer. And of course, Hannah. I love the girl. I really really do. I am insane over the wonderful person that she is, I love the way she talks, thinks, interacts with everyone, her amazing heart for God, her responsibleness, her sincerity, her singing, so much. She's just so amazing. And we do click. It just absolutely explodes my day when she does something for me first, like that reconciliation email, or the little simple note she drew for me right after I finished sharing at Advance. She's so amazing. I love her sooo much. And I really appreciate how she came clean with how she was judging me and stuff and as so stayed away from me. I would put aside a lot of time for her, just to spend time with her, and listen to her talk, and interact. Partners in crime. Y'know.

I'm just not sure if she wants to, all the time. I mean, we're good now. I really love that. But esp yesterday night, I wasn't sure how much she wanted to talk to me, I'm just waiting, watching signs, when I'd love to talk to her forever. Talk about the Rachael/Sam thing. Life. All of that. Be silly. Y'know.

And I guess when I see Hannah and La being close, or Sarah and La being close, I do get a bit :/ as well. Feel left out a bit. Wish I had that closeness. Haha. Very silly. But yeah.

And so last night, when both those things happened, I was absolutely crushed. But that wasn't the trigger. The trigger was when.....we were gonna go for a second game of polar bear. We came back. And suddenly there was serious situation. Eunice Pastor Josh, Vic, La, and other people huddled in a corner talking about very serious stuff. I get that. I know what it was about, and that it was pretty serious. But I was also quite :/ about it, felt left out on some level, and how everyone just split up, the whole fun atmosphere changed, people broke up into little groups, Pearl and Cerise off talking, Kylie and whoever listening to music, and I didn't know what to do. It was pretty clear that we weren't going to play again.

I hate it when things fall apart like that. And I don't what to do. Where to go. Who to talk to. And I'm just going to sit there and stone at myself and God, wish I was someplace else, had music, wish someone would engage me, and wonder why I'm reacting like that when I'm supposed to be mr social natural guy. Which just makes me feel bad.

Its cause its a social situation where I'm not on top. I'm not in control. And because if that, I'm not comfortable to reach out and go 'hi, who are you, c'mon, lets do something reaaaaaaaaaaaallllly crazy'. Or something. I mean, I don't NEED to be on top, but I think generally in my life, I build social situations around me because of the security that is there. And the freedom. Etc. I hate putting myself out in situations where I might get owned for it. Lots of this is from secondary school outcast situations. And I've learnt, that I don't want to tag after no one, not really? Cause you never know when they'll leave you behind. Cept God. Which gives me the freedom to go live life cause God's got my back.


Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. So I was just off feeling pretty miserable. And of course I reacted. Went emo. Stared at the water on my own. Wished someone would talk to me. Walked alone, was very quiet on the way back. At the same time, I'm aware that when I do that, people are afraid to come talk to me. Or are like 'what's going on'. I know. Self-pity doesn't help anything, I went through a ton of this in sec 3/4. And probably didn't make Sarah's opinion of me any better, the sudden mood shift. Usually I'll play it off saying "i'm tired". But I trust these guys, these leaders, I don't want to lie like that. Meh.


So that was me.

Got home pretty miserable. Made my emo music playlist. Lots of it old music from 2005/2006 when I was going through a very hard time with the Anna thing, and a girl named June gave me a mixtape for my birthday, and it really helped me survive. Clung to that music like crazy. Put that on again, and just cried in the darkness of my room. Cried and cried and cried. I wanted to. I know God loves me. I know its pretty silly. But it was one of those "God I know you love me. Please let me cry", as opposed to "God heal me I'm broken I'm crying". Yeah. Just wanted to tap into those emotions I had been repressing. Yeah.

And that was good. Melodi Ghui was online. Saw her on skype, with a '):' sign. And was like. 'Hey, I can talk to her. And reach out to her. Take care of her, ask her how she's doing'. Because I do want to help her loads too, and in that moment, I can really appreciate if I'm feeling like crap, just how much someone popping up and noticing and asking how I am, esp someone I really trust, can help. And so I wanted to do that for her. And it makes me feel better about myself that even while I'm emo I can help other people, that I'm pushing through, because God loves me and God loves her.

In hindsight, it probably helped that she was a girl. Or idk. Not really. If it was a guy on my skype that I trusted going through crap, I would have gone too. Keenan, Angelo. probably....not Josh Simon. He's not much help in these things. That one, I just have to wait till he gets better, not help him. Not much anyway, you can do, when someone just flat out doesn't want to think about things.


Anyhoo. Yeah. Mel and I talked. Supported each other loads. This was till 430 am. I got home at like 3. That was good. Still pretty bum, but feeling better. My playlist had changed from Emo Songs to Kristina Debarge to full on Michelle Branch. Optimistic, yet neutral, 'it will get better' stuff. Yepppp. Then I went in the shower. And God hit me right there.

Told me "I'm not letting the Sarah thing happen, or the Hannah thing happen again, its not that they don't like you, or you're doing bad, but I'm just not letting it happen. Because the last thing you need right now is to do what you usually do. That crutch. Its a brilliant relationship that you can form, I know you see the value there, but I want you to see the value in guy relationships too (which I still don't understand, but I appreciate that it is there somewhere). So I'm not letting the 'insta-run' Hannah/Sarah thing happen, I want you making friends with Ben, Dom, Jose, etc. There's loads of value there too."

And it all made sense. Like tons. And it was like a light dawned and I got why I was going through all of that crap. I mean. Could God have hit me with that wisdom early on during the night itself? Or saved me the crying? Yeah, but it might not have that big an impact, because I didn't feel it powerfully. I was broken. Really. Trusting God, but broken anyway. And I do get the lesson. I mean, of course I still would love the amazing lights exploding relationship with Sarah/Hannah, but I appreciate it. And I figure the guy relationships will happen. I mean, its what I shared during the adv sharing as well. They know I'm still trying to figure that out. I asked for help. And I guess that it helps loads that I don't have the automatic run-to-security option.


Haha still wish that Hannah/Sarah something though. I do love them dearly. Yep, even Sarah, though I've hardly met her. Its how it works for me. I notice someone, I've got their back all the time. Even if we're distant. Nat Ghui, other people. I watch out for them. I do. I love them. Its a choice, and sparked by God. I usually know these things are God-created because of some impact I can deal there. And for me as well. And sooooo I pay attention. Yeppppp.

Sarah's so cool. Haha. She really is.


Mmmppphh. Haha. Think I'm gonna close the entry here. I have a couple of backdates I have left to do, 2 or 3, but I think not in this entry. Its pretty loooooooooong. Glad I did it though. Gonna put this in the blog, of course. And give Chrystella access. Hi La. Haha.


Well (:


Hope I do my report today. Ahhhh. I HAVE TO. BUT ITS SO HARD. GOD ):


Love,