Notes - 9 Sept 2009

Ahhhh God,

Fine. There are a lot of things I want, but I think I have to lay them at your feet. Writing makes it easier to organise my thoughts. I don't want to give up dance. I don't want to give up skating. I don't want to give up life, give up school, give up red camp, give up starbucks, give up a job, give up all these things for you. I used to, but along the way some things changed. Now I don't want to let go of the things you've blessed me with! Ability to dance. I started out wanting to dance for you. Now I want to dance to show others that I've accomplished something with my life, and dancing for you has become a subset of that, and that shouldn't be the way!

And I know I could let everything go to you, but frankly I know I am afraid of what will happen. Or whether I will like what you have in store for me if I let it all go to you. I might not like it. I might not enjoy it.

....And that sounds so silly, because the bible says that you know my hearts desire and ultimately what is your plan for me will work out best for me and I will enjoy it. I've even preached this to others before. And I know letting go is a must in my life as a leader, or even a future pastor, or even now cause I can't seem to worship properly knowing I have things I'm holding back from you. But its harrrrdddd. Ahhhh.


Haahahha. Okay. Red Camp. Rarrrgh. I'm scared of making my focus just you in life. I'm scared that you'll drop me into some shack all alone, a talentless hack, and people will laugh at me, or I'll be a boring pastor, and can't dance, and can't do anything....

But that won't happen, will it. Cause you love me! Ahh.

You know what is best for me. You know what is best for me. You know what is best for me. And the best thing about it is that I will like it.

But its stilll harddd. Leap of faith. Like skateboarding, its hard.

Ahhhh why are what I want and what God wants different thinggss.

Still trying to let go. Still trying. But yeah. Renewal God. Send me someone that will inspire me. Help my needs be fulfilled tonight at leaders cell. At the same time, I know I can still worship. Still in position of righteousness. Gonna do that. I am amazed by you, for still putting up with me (: