Hello God,
Lots of stuff I want to write, I think. Rah. But first, hi. Just typing out a bit of stuff makes me feel better already, its clear that writing does make me feel better, just like showering does, and the devil always wants to rob me of that by telling me just how much trouble it is, what a hassle...
And so of course I haven't written for a very long while. But there's just something awesome about rambling onto a page without care for any structure except the state my mind already is it, I am writer, editor and subeditor of the Keann Magazine.
Hurhurhurrr. Anyhoo. I feel like crap. Actually now that I've started writing, I feel a bit less like crap, but still. Where's the perfect joy you promised, God. Cause I don't really feel that right now.
I feel stressed, Dad. Rah. And very inadequate. Yes, I know you will meet all my needs. Just gotta depend on you. But sometimes dad, it feels like I'm doing that, and stuff isn't happening. You aren't coming through. It doesn't feel good.
Then you do come through a little bit, simple thing like the bus coming just when I ask you to send it, awesome friends like Liz being there to support me, Red Camp being absolutely freaking brilliant..
Then the little bad things come in, like losing my keys, having insurmountable website odds to beat, personality posters not up yet, not a single gig done, not a single event done, committees not doing anything yet cause I haven't asked them to, and me being all over the place trying to scramble organisation into my life, which really isn't my strong suit and all.
Its hard to remember that everything happens for a reason, somehow, now, though everything I've learnt in the past, and everything I've experienced, great things that they are, have shown me that. I keep trying to tap onto your joy and peace with faith, but I don't see much happening.
I mean, partly its my fault as well. You know how hard it is for me to do work, God. You know how hard it is for me to just get started. And even now radio seems like work, and today I woke up feeling good, and suddenly its gone again.
I feel very dry and brittle, I can be emotionally high and healthy and go from that to zero in two seconds because of all the things that are plaguing me.
I know this isn't the way.
I know I'm more than a conqueror, but right now it seems like I'm doing a whole lot of hanging on and not a whole lot of conquering. And I don't like that. I don't like seeing my limitations. Where's the complete victory you promised, God?
And then I remember that the huge things that I'm going through is nothing compared to disasters in the Philippines, people losing loved ones, war zones, scared little children getting raped day in and day out.
And I feel even smaller. How could I possibly think my problems are that big....but they are, you know?
I refuse though. I refuse to join the masses that ask "God why is this happening. God, why do you make bad things happen. There isn't a God."
I flat-out refuse to go there. It scares me to let myself go there. I want to go out fighting, knowing there is a God I believe in that does good things for me.
Because I have seen it, felt it, heard His Voice, seen his miracles happen right before my eyes and confirmed but I really His Word, and even if I'm not emotionally hyped up by all of it now, I'm digging in. With all my gut.
I do wish I could be in it again, though. And I know it can happen at just a drop of a hat. God can come and sweep in and leave me slack-jawed, just like He loves to, and keep me rushing in a river of joy and hope and power, nothing can go wrong, overflowing and brimming with love.
And so I try to expect it every day. You know. The schoolwork miracles. Like the kind I used to have. All of that. The "I give up this for God" and "he comes through with my schoolwork that I hardly had time to do and I score well miraculously".
And it doesn't happen. ALl that happens now is that my work doesn't get done.
And its a bit tiring, Dad. I know, somewhere, deep down, that you meet all my needs, but I really could catch a break, you know?
Of course, perhaps the reason I feel this way, is that the disciplining that God told me was my year for it, is working. Like, trial by fire isn't trial by fire if it tickles, you know.
Pushing me beyond my limit, etc. Haha. So in that sense, the reason why I feel so up against the wall, is cause I will need to take all of this that I'm learning and use it in even bigger situations in the future.
I would love to win, now, though, God. I firmly believe that in the midst of all this trial it is completely possible and natural to laugh my way through, and celebrate in victory. Its everything that I've been taught.
But its v v hard.
Which I think is the point.
Teaching me the endurance I lack, instead of the instant "fast-food" zero-to-hero rush I'm used to, and revel in.
But its not fun.
Which I think is the point.
See the circular logic here? HAHAHAHA.
Okay now that's funny. Maybe the conditioning's working.
Brrrr. I'm glad I wrote, though. Getting it all down on paper really helps my mind to keep track and not get lost and distracted, at the speed that it moves.
Hahahaha. Well. Gonna hit school, and worship. I'm looking forward to it now.
Today's gonna be a crazy day, on so many levels, and not instantly-rewarding like Red Camp, or the teenage Christian life that I'm used to.
And I think that's the point. Just gotta keep remembering that.
Now, school, worship first, then everything else (;
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