16 March 2010

Sitting on the steps outside the ambs room asking God what my purpose in life is

Mmm.

I mean, I love God. That's a definite. And I love worship. That is beyond everything. I love the safeness, the trust, the beauty of God in music, the excitement, everything.

But, then what?

Do I love people that much? I mean, I love me. And I love God. But I love people that much?

Why do I want God in my school? Is it out of a love to show them the God that loves me? Or because someone told me it was good to have God in my school?

Is it because of the excitement of it?

I think, right now, its because I've said its something I want to stand for. And that I'm sticking to it. And I def want God's name to be lifted higher. I want to see his wonders everywhere. I want the freedom to worship God, wherever, whenever.

But is it wonders for wonders sake? And freedom for freedom's sake? I mean, freedom is awesome. And safety is great, and really sweet.

But I think I've been focusing on the themes rather than the people.

Which is great in its own way. Its great for personal stuff, and stuff with friends. And building big occasions. Which is awesome.

But people.

I think I've been unwilling to run into people. To say I've a heart for people. Because I'm afraid of getting hurt. So I'm holding back.

What now, then God?


I'm aware that if you've called me into ministry, I cannot be in it out of who I've stood up to be.

It needs to be driven out of a powerful, love, for people. For people who don't care about me. For people who will let me down.

It can't always be me and my crazy bunch of friends.



Give me that love, God. I think? I think I am willing, though i still shirk away.

We can't just be conquering just for conquering's sake.


Though you are sweet, God. You're really, really sweet. Thank you, I have so, so much to thank you for, you're amazing.

You've said that love will flow naturally. Will you let it? I don't want to be keeping it all to myself.


I guess, keep looking at you. I guess that's what this break is for. Shape me, God, even if its slow. I know life isn't about just living it, its about You, but practically, what does that mean.

Break my heart for what breaks yours, Dad.

But thank you for always loving me anyway, gosh, I must be a chore.

Haha. Give me time (:

-hug-

-doublehugs-


Give me the love, God. Love to love.