That was interesting. I started out asking God to take away my desire to go to him for "a need" but simply because worshipping Him is what He deserves, to worship out of complete adoration.
And that totally happened.
All through when I was completely out of it sick later and still praising God in agony because He deserved to be praised, yeah.
Cool. I'd talk more...but I have work to do. Task. Word. Gogo.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Worship
Here we start again trying to get my life right with God. Gotta do cell prep. But its kinda stupid to do it without worship or prayer or soaking and being in God. Yeah. Its like drinking water that isn't wet.
So here I am God, trying to come back to you after what seems like too long. Get my focus right. Put you first, up there. Thank you for the gifts and the trainings and the skills and the people around me.
Help me to yes worship You because You are good, not because I feel a need to be in some kind of "mode", that's why I do worship. That's not the point. The point of worship is You. Giving adoration to You. Because you deserve it, not because of any benefits I get. Help me dissociate from that God. Yay. You are merciful. Love you (:
So here I am God, trying to come back to you after what seems like too long. Get my focus right. Put you first, up there. Thank you for the gifts and the trainings and the skills and the people around me.
Help me to yes worship You because You are good, not because I feel a need to be in some kind of "mode", that's why I do worship. That's not the point. The point of worship is You. Giving adoration to You. Because you deserve it, not because of any benefits I get. Help me dissociate from that God. Yay. You are merciful. Love you (:
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Melancholy
Try and praise God anyway, even if you feel like crap and everything is going wrong. I can do that. Yeah. But once the songs and the music and worship goes away, I feel like crap again.
Solution: Praise God all the time.
Err..I can do that. Haha. Idk. Hard. ALL THE FREAKING TIME? Model answer yes, but honestly speaking I don't think right now I am able to. I can try..but I have to be willing..and that's a whole new different story. Yeah. I'm nobody's perfect Christian leader, but this place seems like the only place where I can admit to that. I don't want to stumble nobody. I don't want to take up more time than everyone else to get things right, to perform. Idk. I feel bad. Well. Later.
Solution: Praise God all the time.
Err..I can do that. Haha. Idk. Hard. ALL THE FREAKING TIME? Model answer yes, but honestly speaking I don't think right now I am able to. I can try..but I have to be willing..and that's a whole new different story. Yeah. I'm nobody's perfect Christian leader, but this place seems like the only place where I can admit to that. I don't want to stumble nobody. I don't want to take up more time than everyone else to get things right, to perform. Idk. I feel bad. Well. Later.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Starting to Journal
Got worship to plan, so this isn't the real journal entry, but just some thoughts down.
1. I am very confused about a lot of things in my life right now, especially to do with myself, but I trust God (I really do) and want to decisively and irrevocably serve Him.
This is a good summary of my current walk in my current season.
2. I could just use the previous worship set I planned for the previous cell, but to do that would not be to do the best job I possibly could. And I want to do the best possible job for worship I can tmr, focused on Oliva's theme, and I need to practice how to make worship sets more anyway.
Yeah. Let's do this.
Gogogogogo
1. I am very confused about a lot of things in my life right now, especially to do with myself, but I trust God (I really do) and want to decisively and irrevocably serve Him.
This is a good summary of my current walk in my current season.
2. I could just use the previous worship set I planned for the previous cell, but to do that would not be to do the best job I possibly could. And I want to do the best possible job for worship I can tmr, focused on Oliva's theme, and I need to practice how to make worship sets more anyway.
Yeah. Let's do this.
Gogogogogo
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Let Thee Force Thyself To Journal
28/2/09, Saturday
Its the last day of the month, how about that. I never even noticed. I've been atrophying here too much...
Anyway, life has been interesting, and probably about to get more.
Sigh. Since my last journal entry I really haven't been doing much? But I hope I'm slowly but surely getting there with discipline. Thursday was an entirely wasted day, and the lesson learnt is to please control your sleep time. If you're not disciplined in controlling your sleep time the night before you are not going to be controlled with waking up, and it can throw your entire schedule off, especially if you are one who doesn't have enough discipline to try and fix the schedule.
Also, I don't think porn helped the day. Sigh. It was clearly wrong, tempting, and feels so good, but damn, clearly wrong.
Everytime I impulsively go to porn, some part of the day screws up. Its true. And I'm left with a convincing feeling that I shouldn't do it again. Until the next time I get tempted, which is like now. Bleh.
Friday wasn't that much better, productivity wise, meaning I didn't do much with skateboard or guitar. Going to movie was okay though, and corporate..
Man. That was the clincher. I think. Haha. Corporate was so good. You could clearly see God working there. And at some point God just took over and I'm quite in awe at all that happened with and around me, when people are on fire for God? Praying for this person, this vision here, meeting someone's mom, suddenly leading prayer for people behind me, and getting Jo to go in front to share vision..
I don't know Lord. I thank you for it, I really do, and I know its not of me, and I am appreciative of all that you've done, but somehow I don't seem swept away by the whole thing?
And that sucks because I do want to be swept away..
Especially when I'm going into these things on autopilot and duty and whatnot. Yes I want to be there, but not on a level of passion and zeal that I used to feel? There is still, and I feel guilty about not having it all there.
Then I decided I'd present me to you anyway, with my flaws and whatnot and let you use me anyway.
And that was good (:
..Now I have another distraction in my life. WoW. Lol. Sigh.
And the party tonight? I think I don't really want to think about it man. Haha. But I know its going to irk me the whole day. Should I go? No. But I want to see everybody and I want to try my hand at the scene..
Sigh. All the wrong reasons to go clubbing.
And my parents won't like it.
And prayer the next morning.
Granted I could go till 10+pm but its such a waste right, of the 25 bucks.
I wonder if I can take the money back? Like, cancel my ticket?
But then again I don't really want to! Gah
Conflict conflict conflict. I wonder how I'm going to be able to worship like this...
Sigh.
How God):
Don't go right.
But the 25 dollars how.
Is it worth a backslide?
No.
But maybe I could go and not dishonour you? Is it possible? Casey is going and all that, Sinee is going, etc.
I mean, I desperately dont want to be seen as uncool, heck, I don't want to see myself as uncool.
I know its an earthly pursuit. And my value is found in you Lord, not my social status or my dance ability.
But I am tempted to go anyway?
And the 25 bucks isn't helping. Lol.
You know, if you asked me not to go right now, I should be willing to give it up right. 25 dollars is a small price to pay for obeying You and following You, men and women have given up far more in your Name.
Owells.
So what. So how. I should cancel but when I think about who's going and what is going to happen there I don't want to cancel! Its the consequences and implications that want me to cancel. Gah.
Gahhh. Bleagh. It seems that I can go if I go for the right reasons. Aka, see how Christians behave at a club. Be a shining light. Lol what. Go there to party, but be clear on not dishonouring you.
Oh man...but I'm already dishonouring you by not obeying parents about it.
Hence, we don't go. There is no black and white about it. We shall not go.
No wonder Satan wants to stop me from journalling, he wants to stop me thinking and coming clear with God about my life..
Haha oh well. Lets make a bold step. I'm not going. Or at the most, go for the shirt if I can't cancel. Lol.
Its the last day of the month, how about that. I never even noticed. I've been atrophying here too much...
Anyway, life has been interesting, and probably about to get more.
Sigh. Since my last journal entry I really haven't been doing much? But I hope I'm slowly but surely getting there with discipline. Thursday was an entirely wasted day, and the lesson learnt is to please control your sleep time. If you're not disciplined in controlling your sleep time the night before you are not going to be controlled with waking up, and it can throw your entire schedule off, especially if you are one who doesn't have enough discipline to try and fix the schedule.
Also, I don't think porn helped the day. Sigh. It was clearly wrong, tempting, and feels so good, but damn, clearly wrong.
Everytime I impulsively go to porn, some part of the day screws up. Its true. And I'm left with a convincing feeling that I shouldn't do it again. Until the next time I get tempted, which is like now. Bleh.
Friday wasn't that much better, productivity wise, meaning I didn't do much with skateboard or guitar. Going to movie was okay though, and corporate..
Man. That was the clincher. I think. Haha. Corporate was so good. You could clearly see God working there. And at some point God just took over and I'm quite in awe at all that happened with and around me, when people are on fire for God? Praying for this person, this vision here, meeting someone's mom, suddenly leading prayer for people behind me, and getting Jo to go in front to share vision..
I don't know Lord. I thank you for it, I really do, and I know its not of me, and I am appreciative of all that you've done, but somehow I don't seem swept away by the whole thing?
And that sucks because I do want to be swept away..
Especially when I'm going into these things on autopilot and duty and whatnot. Yes I want to be there, but not on a level of passion and zeal that I used to feel? There is still, and I feel guilty about not having it all there.
Then I decided I'd present me to you anyway, with my flaws and whatnot and let you use me anyway.
And that was good (:
..Now I have another distraction in my life. WoW. Lol. Sigh.
And the party tonight? I think I don't really want to think about it man. Haha. But I know its going to irk me the whole day. Should I go? No. But I want to see everybody and I want to try my hand at the scene..
Sigh. All the wrong reasons to go clubbing.
And my parents won't like it.
And prayer the next morning.
Granted I could go till 10+pm but its such a waste right, of the 25 bucks.
I wonder if I can take the money back? Like, cancel my ticket?
But then again I don't really want to! Gah
Conflict conflict conflict. I wonder how I'm going to be able to worship like this...
Sigh.
How God):
Don't go right.
But the 25 dollars how.
Is it worth a backslide?
No.
But maybe I could go and not dishonour you? Is it possible? Casey is going and all that, Sinee is going, etc.
I mean, I desperately dont want to be seen as uncool, heck, I don't want to see myself as uncool.
I know its an earthly pursuit. And my value is found in you Lord, not my social status or my dance ability.
But I am tempted to go anyway?
And the 25 bucks isn't helping. Lol.
You know, if you asked me not to go right now, I should be willing to give it up right. 25 dollars is a small price to pay for obeying You and following You, men and women have given up far more in your Name.
Owells.
So what. So how. I should cancel but when I think about who's going and what is going to happen there I don't want to cancel! Its the consequences and implications that want me to cancel. Gah.
Gahhh. Bleagh. It seems that I can go if I go for the right reasons. Aka, see how Christians behave at a club. Be a shining light. Lol what. Go there to party, but be clear on not dishonouring you.
Oh man...but I'm already dishonouring you by not obeying parents about it.
Hence, we don't go. There is no black and white about it. We shall not go.
No wonder Satan wants to stop me from journalling, he wants to stop me thinking and coming clear with God about my life..
Haha oh well. Lets make a bold step. I'm not going. Or at the most, go for the shirt if I can't cancel. Lol.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Affirmation Email To Pastors Josh and Jenn
Hello(:
Possibly there is no real rational need for this email, but the story of the tenth leper has kept nagging me all day for some reason and there really shouldn't be a reason why I shouldn't thank you two for today(:
Like, yes, thank you so much for taking time over me, I thoroughly enjoyed and will treasure today's hanging around and sharing my dreams and thought processes around people, authority figures in fact, who actually want to hear more about them (even in the interests of the interview), and are completely loving and encouraging and especially wise, and though I vowed to be completely honest during the interview, me being so easily able to trust you two so implicitly and naturally completely didn't make being honest a chore at all, because it is so evident that I can trust you guys to come down hard on me if need be and I will take it happily knowing that it is reasonable and will ultimately be for my good.
So thank you, especially you, pastor jenn, you're often such an inspiring leader-figure both on and off the stage, comforting and ministering and changing and touching lives and mindsets through God and being able to talk to you, really talk to you personally and i-suppose-semi-deeply, was a huge thing for me, and completely inspiring and motivating, to talk to someone that cares and invests so much in her flock and to know that she cares about me personally as an individual, and especially to know that is all through a result of God's work in your life.
That actually applies for both of you really. Little decisions that one of us make to follow God can have such a huge chain-impact on other people's walks with God and in turn that impact on other people, this I have learnt and am in awe in, but to see you both and the pastors touching and impacting on so many people's spiritual walks at once-I can't comprehend the awesomeness of that fact and I really want to thank you guys, even though it seems to be an obvious thing, for all the work you have invested in us and everything (though I know and have seen so little of it, I am still hugely appreciative already).
And I would like to hope that if/and when any of us become pastors or full-time or whatever, that the lessons we've learnt from you people will carry us and keep carrying us so much further, not just the ones you teach, but also the ones you live and exude (e.g. camaraderie and unity between pastors, though that would seem quite "duh") . Thank you, you are amazing role models(:
Pastor Josh, even though you have come down on me honestly and brutally about everytime I had some weird angsty problem in the past, I want to tell you that I appreciate and still do appreciate you taking that style when it comes to handling and guiding me, instead of with sympathy points or whatever. And that..this is because I know that when you do, it will be completely rational and reasonably so while looking after my best interests at heart, and so I can be honest about my shortcomings and wait gladly for the disciplining that I trust. And weird and drastic it may seem, you're about the closest thing to a father figure I have had (besides God, who is awesome), even though I don't talk to you that much, and I thank you for it.
And that's about as much mushy man-love as I am comfortable with giving. Um yeah.
But my point is, thank you for everything, and thank you for today, it wasn't so much of an interview as a sharing/somehow-counselling session with two amazing leaders-in-God figures that I respect and trust immensely, and I was really ministered to/learnt a lot (not just in lessons you taught, but lessons you lived as pastors that hopefully I will pick up on in the future), and it was ultimately awesome. Thank you(:
~Keann/Qi En/Whatever. Haha
Possibly there is no real rational need for this email, but the story of the tenth leper has kept nagging me all day for some reason and there really shouldn't be a reason why I shouldn't thank you two for today(:
Like, yes, thank you so much for taking time over me, I thoroughly enjoyed and will treasure today's hanging around and sharing my dreams and thought processes around people, authority figures in fact, who actually want to hear more about them (even in the interests of the interview), and are completely loving and encouraging and especially wise, and though I vowed to be completely honest during the interview, me being so easily able to trust you two so implicitly and naturally completely didn't make being honest a chore at all, because it is so evident that I can trust you guys to come down hard on me if need be and I will take it happily knowing that it is reasonable and will ultimately be for my good.
So thank you, especially you, pastor jenn, you're often such an inspiring leader-figure both on and off the stage, comforting and ministering and changing and touching lives and mindsets through God and being able to talk to you, really talk to you personally and i-suppose-semi-deeply, was a huge thing for me, and completely inspiring and motivating, to talk to someone that cares and invests so much in her flock and to know that she cares about me personally as an individual, and especially to know that is all through a result of God's work in your life.
That actually applies for both of you really. Little decisions that one of us make to follow God can have such a huge chain-impact on other people's walks with God and in turn that impact on other people, this I have learnt and am in awe in, but to see you both and the pastors touching and impacting on so many people's spiritual walks at once-I can't comprehend the awesomeness of that fact and I really want to thank you guys, even though it seems to be an obvious thing, for all the work you have invested in us and everything (though I know and have seen so little of it, I am still hugely appreciative already).
And I would like to hope that if/and when any of us become pastors or full-time or whatever, that the lessons we've learnt from you people will carry us and keep carrying us so much further, not just the ones you teach, but also the ones you live and exude (e.g. camaraderie and unity between pastors, though that would seem quite "duh") . Thank you, you are amazing role models(:
Pastor Josh, even though you have come down on me honestly and brutally about everytime I had some weird angsty problem in the past, I want to tell you that I appreciate and still do appreciate you taking that style when it comes to handling and guiding me, instead of with sympathy points or whatever. And that..this is because I know that when you do, it will be completely rational and reasonably so while looking after my best interests at heart, and so I can be honest about my shortcomings and wait gladly for the disciplining that I trust. And weird and drastic it may seem, you're about the closest thing to a father figure I have had (besides God, who is awesome), even though I don't talk to you that much, and I thank you for it.
And that's about as much mushy man-love as I am comfortable with giving. Um yeah.
But my point is, thank you for everything, and thank you for today, it wasn't so much of an interview as a sharing/somehow-counselling session with two amazing leaders-in-God figures that I respect and trust immensely, and I was really ministered to/learnt a lot (not just in lessons you taught, but lessons you lived as pastors that hopefully I will pick up on in the future), and it was ultimately awesome. Thank you(:
~Keann/Qi En/Whatever. Haha
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Journaling 1.
Let's try and get this journaling thing started for real. Even though the wisdom of doing this publicly on facebook is tenuous at best. And yeah probably shouldn't be done but just to start me off, I suppose. And this appeals to me more than having a folder of word docs for some reason, and a private locked blog is oh so lonely and depressing.
I am retarded.
So today was generally awesome. Paper aside, I am rather proud of the efforts I took to make sure I'd get to HIP interview on time. Like, the motivations came naturally. Which, whether just because its a church-God related thing (which matters greatly to me) or a habit that I am starting to develop, it is still cause for celebration! Kinda-sorta. Now I just need to bring that habit over to all other areas of my life, just being punctual for church won't cut it..e.g. even my own personal timetables, or I'll never get anything done.
So tonight I really must plan tmr's timetable, of which I know vaguely involves me visiting the half-pipe tmr morning and meeting Casey at noon for gym. And I have no idea what else, but I want to fit guitar, and hopefully dance (which is doubtful) and some other productive thing inside.
Like something that will keep in with my claims that I am very serious about being a leader or something, some self-initiated material or something or other. I don't know. Blah.
What I do know is that this journaling thing should start up, and stay up, and I also need to incorporate personal daily devotionals as part of my lifestyle, leader or no leader.
As pointed out and hammered home, though gently, by pastor jenn today.
I could also do some housework maybe, something to show my parents that Christians on this side are generally awesome.
Not that I'm going to go all Mary Poppins on it, but something. And I need to firm it up or I'll never do it. Gah. Oh yeah, I have to get the cell rsvps for corporate prayer tonight..
Spiritually, today was good, Last night was like a wake-up call, to me, knowing I had to get things right with God before coming for the interview? And today was really great in terms of getting me back on the right track again.
E.g. I shall stop reading Tucker Max. That guy is having a clear detrimental effect on my moral values. Gah. Edifying edifying. Not that the guy isn't funny, but when it comes to consuming content that is valuable or not valuable, I gotta put my foot down or something.
At least I've read all of his stories already. Lol. ANYWAY.
HIP interview was amazing. Without retyping what I sent the pastors and thanking them for, I have come away with gentle reminders that I should 1. Start journaling 2. Settle my personal devotional time 3. Don't think about getting out of things to start working towards what is seen as useful things for pastors to pick up, but pick up whatever experience you can where you are placed and do it genuinely, because the future pastor is not going to be a typical bible college person etc..but will have skills picked by God, and I gotta pay attention to that instead of boxing myself in!
Coolios. And greater support and strength was given to me in the struggle against porn. So it was a good day(:
I suppose what matters now is what I do with it. All these lessons are well and good, but bringing it back to reaching out...gah I am still scared. And my new naturalness in visions and prophetic drawings lost since that fateful backsliding friday is still something I am a bit....gah, I just gotta make a conscious effort to practice and reach out for it right. Haha. man.
The cool thing about HIP is that I'm actually not worried. In or not, i trust God and I trust these guys implicitly to trust God in their decisions, so lol. If I'm not in, it just means that I have all this time that I can jump into Chonghao's guitar classes with, to get the guitar going so I can bring and lead worship, so ultimately yay, right. Haha.
Coolness. And that's it for spiritual stuff today, I guess. Yay. Mmmhmm(:
Notice how my musings and ramblings about these things always lack verses or something, though they should generally have them? But I can't wield a gun if I have no ammo in it, so I really need to start reading the bible moar. But how and searching for what. Gah. Haha. We'll see.
NOW GOODNIGHT.
I am retarded.
So today was generally awesome. Paper aside, I am rather proud of the efforts I took to make sure I'd get to HIP interview on time. Like, the motivations came naturally. Which, whether just because its a church-God related thing (which matters greatly to me) or a habit that I am starting to develop, it is still cause for celebration! Kinda-sorta. Now I just need to bring that habit over to all other areas of my life, just being punctual for church won't cut it..e.g. even my own personal timetables, or I'll never get anything done.
So tonight I really must plan tmr's timetable, of which I know vaguely involves me visiting the half-pipe tmr morning and meeting Casey at noon for gym. And I have no idea what else, but I want to fit guitar, and hopefully dance (which is doubtful) and some other productive thing inside.
Like something that will keep in with my claims that I am very serious about being a leader or something, some self-initiated material or something or other. I don't know. Blah.
What I do know is that this journaling thing should start up, and stay up, and I also need to incorporate personal daily devotionals as part of my lifestyle, leader or no leader.
As pointed out and hammered home, though gently, by pastor jenn today.
I could also do some housework maybe, something to show my parents that Christians on this side are generally awesome.
Not that I'm going to go all Mary Poppins on it, but something. And I need to firm it up or I'll never do it. Gah. Oh yeah, I have to get the cell rsvps for corporate prayer tonight..
Spiritually, today was good, Last night was like a wake-up call, to me, knowing I had to get things right with God before coming for the interview? And today was really great in terms of getting me back on the right track again.
E.g. I shall stop reading Tucker Max. That guy is having a clear detrimental effect on my moral values. Gah. Edifying edifying. Not that the guy isn't funny, but when it comes to consuming content that is valuable or not valuable, I gotta put my foot down or something.
At least I've read all of his stories already. Lol. ANYWAY.
HIP interview was amazing. Without retyping what I sent the pastors and thanking them for, I have come away with gentle reminders that I should 1. Start journaling 2. Settle my personal devotional time 3. Don't think about getting out of things to start working towards what is seen as useful things for pastors to pick up, but pick up whatever experience you can where you are placed and do it genuinely, because the future pastor is not going to be a typical bible college person etc..but will have skills picked by God, and I gotta pay attention to that instead of boxing myself in!
Coolios. And greater support and strength was given to me in the struggle against porn. So it was a good day(:
I suppose what matters now is what I do with it. All these lessons are well and good, but bringing it back to reaching out...gah I am still scared. And my new naturalness in visions and prophetic drawings lost since that fateful backsliding friday is still something I am a bit....gah, I just gotta make a conscious effort to practice and reach out for it right. Haha. man.
The cool thing about HIP is that I'm actually not worried. In or not, i trust God and I trust these guys implicitly to trust God in their decisions, so lol. If I'm not in, it just means that I have all this time that I can jump into Chonghao's guitar classes with, to get the guitar going so I can bring and lead worship, so ultimately yay, right. Haha.
Coolness. And that's it for spiritual stuff today, I guess. Yay. Mmmhmm(:
Notice how my musings and ramblings about these things always lack verses or something, though they should generally have them? But I can't wield a gun if I have no ammo in it, so I really need to start reading the bible moar. But how and searching for what. Gah. Haha. We'll see.
NOW GOODNIGHT.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh
I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
----------------------------------
I might close this soon. What's the point, right.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me
And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh
I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
----------------------------------
I might close this soon. What's the point, right.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Popping In
For the first post of the new year:
Just back from Zouk and I think clubbing is really retarded. Thanks. Its a travesty to all dance. Bobbing around in a massive pressing crowd trying to look cool with a fake smile plastered across your face for four hours hooting randomly with the crowd at predictable song intervals.
Jeez. Seriously. BOBBING FROM ONE FOOT TO ANOTHER (x13412341235 people) WITH NO SPACE FOR ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT GRINDING IS NOT DANCING. YOU'RE RUINING PERFECTLY GOOD HIP-HOP SONGS.
I literally. Had no space. To do anything. Which completely blows.
Now we know why you absolutely have to drink to get high and have fun in a place like that. Its absolutely maddening otherwise.
Which is too bad because some of the girls are really really hot. And I'd love to go over and make friends and try to dance with them (I mean really dance), but every single guy (in a ratio of 15:1) in the place making a beeline to and around those (and any) girls in the place to get some action really just makes the whole thing very sad.
And predatory.
And the whole time bobbing around trying to squeeze past each other to get to said girls.
I love a good dance floor as much and probably more than most people but jeez that isn't no dance floor, that's an idiocy-fest.
I'm sure its really fun for most of you, I'll take your word for it, but...sigh.
I'll spend my friday nights at the Esplanade Underground really dancing, from now on, if I want to.
And the next person in earshot that goes "Omg omg I really can't wait we're going clubbing tonight we're going to DANCE", I am going to body tackle in a scream of rage, God help me.
Okay maybe it just sucked because there literally was no space to find my own dance floor to carve out OR like-minded friends to dance/battle/coordinate it out with.
In that sense ZoukOut would probably be much better.
I did find my own spot at some point, had to break away and go to the back solo away from my friends who were having fun, but it gets tiring after awhile really going nuts really dancing without friends (e.g. Adin) to cheer you on/krunk it out with you.
Such a perfectly good waste of good music.
And no it wasn't my first time. I just gave the other times the benefit of the doubt.
Also, I don't like alcohol.
Did you know that it really got so sian that for long protracted periods of time I was PRAYING on the dancefloor because talking to God was just so much better than all the sadness going on around me. Which I suppose is a good thing :/
Ah well. Guess I deserved it, for not honouring my parents about going. Haha God *sheepish*
Losing myself in worship and talking to God is so much more awesome than anything on the dance floor+alcohol can do. I'll be a fool for God, not for alcohol and Katy Perry.
Haha well learnt my lesson, God (:
(I have the credibility to talk about this because I DO dance better than a majority of the people on the club floor. And only because all the real dancers came to this conclusion early before I did :/)
So much more to say but I'll leave at here for now I think.
Goodnight/morning, off to school to sleep/meet Genny. PR! [:
Just back from Zouk and I think clubbing is really retarded. Thanks. Its a travesty to all dance. Bobbing around in a massive pressing crowd trying to look cool with a fake smile plastered across your face for four hours hooting randomly with the crowd at predictable song intervals.
Jeez. Seriously. BOBBING FROM ONE FOOT TO ANOTHER (x13412341235 people) WITH NO SPACE FOR ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT GRINDING IS NOT DANCING. YOU'RE RUINING PERFECTLY GOOD HIP-HOP SONGS.
I literally. Had no space. To do anything. Which completely blows.
Now we know why you absolutely have to drink to get high and have fun in a place like that. Its absolutely maddening otherwise.
Which is too bad because some of the girls are really really hot. And I'd love to go over and make friends and try to dance with them (I mean really dance), but every single guy (in a ratio of 15:1) in the place making a beeline to and around those (and any) girls in the place to get some action really just makes the whole thing very sad.
And predatory.
And the whole time bobbing around trying to squeeze past each other to get to said girls.
I love a good dance floor as much and probably more than most people but jeez that isn't no dance floor, that's an idiocy-fest.
I'm sure its really fun for most of you, I'll take your word for it, but...sigh.
I'll spend my friday nights at the Esplanade Underground really dancing, from now on, if I want to.
And the next person in earshot that goes "Omg omg I really can't wait we're going clubbing tonight we're going to DANCE", I am going to body tackle in a scream of rage, God help me.
Okay maybe it just sucked because there literally was no space to find my own dance floor to carve out OR like-minded friends to dance/battle/coordinate it out with.
In that sense ZoukOut would probably be much better.
I did find my own spot at some point, had to break away and go to the back solo away from my friends who were having fun, but it gets tiring after awhile really going nuts really dancing without friends (e.g. Adin) to cheer you on/krunk it out with you.
Such a perfectly good waste of good music.
And no it wasn't my first time. I just gave the other times the benefit of the doubt.
Also, I don't like alcohol.
Did you know that it really got so sian that for long protracted periods of time I was PRAYING on the dancefloor because talking to God was just so much better than all the sadness going on around me. Which I suppose is a good thing :/
Ah well. Guess I deserved it, for not honouring my parents about going. Haha God *sheepish*
Losing myself in worship and talking to God is so much more awesome than anything on the dance floor+alcohol can do. I'll be a fool for God, not for alcohol and Katy Perry.
Haha well learnt my lesson, God (:
(I have the credibility to talk about this because I DO dance better than a majority of the people on the club floor. And only because all the real dancers came to this conclusion early before I did :/)
So much more to say but I'll leave at here for now I think.
Goodnight/morning, off to school to sleep/meet Genny. PR! [:
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Quite Scared
I feel damn uneasy about leaving for camp for four days with assignments not 30% done.
Journal is at 10 pages,
Feature is at mostly 0% besides planning and only can be done after camp
Radio is unscripted and unrehearsed
And I dont know WHAT THE HELL is going on for CommIss
But I keep asking God and He keeps saying go so...
I know I shouldn't be scared but I am anyway?
I trust enough to go, but I don't trust enough to not fear. Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
Anyone out there pray for me tons kay. I need it.
Will miss you all(:
See you in 4 days and much spiritual renewal hopefully and great testimonies hopefully.
Journal is at 10 pages,
Feature is at mostly 0% besides planning and only can be done after camp
Radio is unscripted and unrehearsed
And I dont know WHAT THE HELL is going on for CommIss
But I keep asking God and He keeps saying go so...
I know I shouldn't be scared but I am anyway?
I trust enough to go, but I don't trust enough to not fear. Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
Anyone out there pray for me tons kay. I need it.
Will miss you all(:
See you in 4 days and much spiritual renewal hopefully and great testimonies hopefully.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Changing
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
--------------------------------------
I would just like to say that right now my two best friends in the world are Khalisah and Deborah.
I don't know how they managed to drop into my life.
But god I love you two to bits, I've only known you for a short time only but Elle I can talk to you about EVERYTHING that is uberly complicated and I KNOW you're always on every night like you have been for the past 4 nights so we can have the awesome brain-exhausting convos we always do :D
Looveeeee. Haha. Where have you been my whole life(:
Deb, you're nuts. Haha. I don't know how it works, but its like I really envy your perspective on things and your ability to just let loose with your emotions and feelings and views and I'm learning to do that from you too, not keeping stuff in because "its wrong" or "its bad" or "i should be more mature".
Ahhhh. Thank you crazy person, I love you to bits. I just want to sit on a grassy field in the middle of the stars till forever chilling with you. And then dance :D
To everyone else: Its not that recently I've been going through an emo bout, I actually feel like this 50% of the time when I'm not high or happy or inspired, its just that I never felt it was okay to be this way in public, I subsist between two extremes all the time. No point depressing other people with my shit right.
Yeah well, I deserve to be stupid as well right. Everyone else is. Screwwwwww it.
I may be setting myself up for hurt but I don't care. I've been living in fear and "intelligence" for far too long.
Arrrgh.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Just one more letter
To Pris:
I love you.
That is all :D
What else really needs to be said, is there. You and I both know how much you mean to me, and the stuff we connect about. Thank you, thank you for always being there you inexplicable school junior but in so many other ways my senior, and thank you for being this person that I can call and know without a doubt that you're not going to misconstrue the intent of my calls. That we can be blunt, loving, but blunt, and be wise or be stupid when one of us just simply has to be because we can't be intelligent spiritually mature leaders all the time (okay this applies so much more for you than it does for me right now :D).
You always make me smile, whether you're reacting in exasperation in our antics or being serious or pulling that cocky "yes I know" thing you sometimes do for fun, and don't even let me get started on dance.
Dance(:
In so many ways Pris, you've become a spiritual mentor for me. In a weird two way kinda thing cause I give you advice too when somehow I have moments. And because you serve so much in so many areas, you really are leading me on this path that I hope I will get to someday. I see how you deal with challenges and time and tears and I learn, I am encouraged, and you inspire me.
And relationship wise...Haha yeah. We know, don't we :rolls eyes:
Every day I just hope that I am doing at least half for you what you do for me in my life, that I cheer you up, am there, make you smile, bail you out when you need bailing (ideally this should never happen but hey). I fervently hope that I am and have been a worthy friend. This is small, but its what I have to give to you now:
-hug-
And also a blessing I pray over your teddy and your bed and your covers as you fall asleep tonight :D
Much love,
Keann(:
-----------------------
GET WELL NOW FRIEND
I love you.
That is all :D
What else really needs to be said, is there. You and I both know how much you mean to me, and the stuff we connect about. Thank you, thank you for always being there you inexplicable school junior but in so many other ways my senior, and thank you for being this person that I can call and know without a doubt that you're not going to misconstrue the intent of my calls. That we can be blunt, loving, but blunt, and be wise or be stupid when one of us just simply has to be because we can't be intelligent spiritually mature leaders all the time (okay this applies so much more for you than it does for me right now :D).
You always make me smile, whether you're reacting in exasperation in our antics or being serious or pulling that cocky "yes I know" thing you sometimes do for fun, and don't even let me get started on dance.
Dance(:
In so many ways Pris, you've become a spiritual mentor for me. In a weird two way kinda thing cause I give you advice too when somehow I have moments. And because you serve so much in so many areas, you really are leading me on this path that I hope I will get to someday. I see how you deal with challenges and time and tears and I learn, I am encouraged, and you inspire me.
And relationship wise...Haha yeah. We know, don't we :rolls eyes:
Every day I just hope that I am doing at least half for you what you do for me in my life, that I cheer you up, am there, make you smile, bail you out when you need bailing (ideally this should never happen but hey). I fervently hope that I am and have been a worthy friend. This is small, but its what I have to give to you now:
-hug-
And also a blessing I pray over your teddy and your bed and your covers as you fall asleep tonight :D
Much love,
Keann(:
-----------------------
GET WELL NOW FRIEND
And here's another note.
FIRST.
This isn't mine. Its by a girl, Sherylene, she's two years younger than me, but I discovered that she posted this really awesome long note not two hours after I posted mine.
And its freaky how we talk about the exact same thing.
Its so cool to see her perspective on it! Its different, but the same, and so beautiful anyway. Also, hers seems more intelligent. :o
Enjoy(:
------------------------------------
Dear You:
I'd just like to say that I'm yearning for you. Oh, and that this sudden surge of emotions just cannot be properly justified with mere words.
To give, oh, to be able to give without a care in the world; to be given the opportunity to love with abandon, to be able to throw caution to the wind, to flip my hair over my shoulder -perhaps remove that stray hair caught in my berry cherry lippy- and saunter towards you, wrap my arms around you, to make up for a lifetime of longing, a lifetime of wasted moments that passed by without you.
I want to be able to wake up, blink at the crimson rays of light bleeding through the curtains, to find you smiling down at me. To feel your tender kiss on my forehead just after we fall asleep after a night of loving. To feel your warmth envelope me when the world is too cold to bear.
I want to waltz with you, in pajamas, in my bedroom, when no one is looking, to Arielle Dombasle. I want to skip with you, in denim overalls, clutching a tattered teddy; not giving a damn as to whether anyone is staring. I want to play at cops and robbers after dropping by 7-11 to pick up a couple of Red Bulls, candy and a toy gun or two. I want to run around your room, screaming, with you chasing me around with a pillow, and when I'm tired of that, for you to catch me in your arms as I fall.
I want to share an umbrella with you when it's pouring, sharing a green tea latte from Starbucks, waiting for the storm to subside so that we can return to our original positions without getting soaked. Same goes for the harsh stabs of reality. I want to be able to be with you whenever things get hard, and especially when things couldn't be more perfect. I want to share my life with you, knowing that you're wanting everything I want with you too.
I want you to teach me how to ice skate, and laugh at me when I fall, but to pick me up later and tell me that I did great, and that you think I look cute when I'm screaming and complaining about my little scratch that I call a severe wound that needs to be rushed to the A & E.
I want to kiss you, I want to love you, and I want to miss you every single minute that you're not with me. Yet I want to be able to be away from you for days and not have to worry, for you'll always be there, always be waiting, always be loving.
I want to feel your butterfly kisses just below my eyes; I want to feel you close to me.
Whoever you are, just know that I'll constantly be enthralled by your presence; by your foolish antics.
I love that your sole purpose is our happiness, and I love you.
Til our acquaintance, amor,
I wish you love.
----------------------
(: (: (: (: (: (:
Sweeeeet. We should all do stuff like this. I really enjoyed reading that(:
This isn't mine. Its by a girl, Sherylene, she's two years younger than me, but I discovered that she posted this really awesome long note not two hours after I posted mine.
And its freaky how we talk about the exact same thing.
Its so cool to see her perspective on it! Its different, but the same, and so beautiful anyway. Also, hers seems more intelligent. :o
Enjoy(:
------------------------------------
Dear You:
I'd just like to say that I'm yearning for you. Oh, and that this sudden surge of emotions just cannot be properly justified with mere words.
To give, oh, to be able to give without a care in the world; to be given the opportunity to love with abandon, to be able to throw caution to the wind, to flip my hair over my shoulder -perhaps remove that stray hair caught in my berry cherry lippy- and saunter towards you, wrap my arms around you, to make up for a lifetime of longing, a lifetime of wasted moments that passed by without you.
I want to be able to wake up, blink at the crimson rays of light bleeding through the curtains, to find you smiling down at me. To feel your tender kiss on my forehead just after we fall asleep after a night of loving. To feel your warmth envelope me when the world is too cold to bear.
I want to waltz with you, in pajamas, in my bedroom, when no one is looking, to Arielle Dombasle. I want to skip with you, in denim overalls, clutching a tattered teddy; not giving a damn as to whether anyone is staring. I want to play at cops and robbers after dropping by 7-11 to pick up a couple of Red Bulls, candy and a toy gun or two. I want to run around your room, screaming, with you chasing me around with a pillow, and when I'm tired of that, for you to catch me in your arms as I fall.
I want to share an umbrella with you when it's pouring, sharing a green tea latte from Starbucks, waiting for the storm to subside so that we can return to our original positions without getting soaked. Same goes for the harsh stabs of reality. I want to be able to be with you whenever things get hard, and especially when things couldn't be more perfect. I want to share my life with you, knowing that you're wanting everything I want with you too.
I want you to teach me how to ice skate, and laugh at me when I fall, but to pick me up later and tell me that I did great, and that you think I look cute when I'm screaming and complaining about my little scratch that I call a severe wound that needs to be rushed to the A & E.
I want to kiss you, I want to love you, and I want to miss you every single minute that you're not with me. Yet I want to be able to be away from you for days and not have to worry, for you'll always be there, always be waiting, always be loving.
I want to feel your butterfly kisses just below my eyes; I want to feel you close to me.
Whoever you are, just know that I'll constantly be enthralled by your presence; by your foolish antics.
I love that your sole purpose is our happiness, and I love you.
Til our acquaintance, amor,
I wish you love.
----------------------
(: (: (: (: (: (:
Sweeeeet. We should all do stuff like this. I really enjoyed reading that(:
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
NOOOOOOOOO
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
I was just about to post that really really really good note below up! ):
Bloody freaking coconutmonkeys hell.
Its a conspiracy. Someone obviously doesn't want me to bless the world with love. It looked really great too in Facebook's simple font and formatting and colour scheme :/
Arrrrgh. Aadsfasdfsd. Bleagh.
Letters
And to you:
Hello. I don't think I've even met you yet, maybe I have, I don't know, but chances are that if I am meant to be together with someone for the rest of this life, you're alive and well right now and running about the same world I'm in, we just haven't met yet.
Logically speaking.
Haha well. Yeah. What is there to say. I miss you.I miss you already, even though I haven't met you (at least I think I haven't, and if I have could you please tell me so my life can be spared all the complications of its current state).
I miss you. I miss connecting with you, I miss laughing with and at you, smiling outside and inside at your smile, your sparkling eyes, your dimples, your wavy hair, drinking every aspect of your physicality in with wonder and awe at how I ever found you and how I could possibly ever let you go.
I miss the sound of your laugh that tinkles and echoes through my memories, I miss smelling your hair after an impetuous run through a January spring shower, after an hour-long warm bath, before Sunday breakfast and every moment of my existence in relation to you.
I miss us cooking golden pancakes in the resplendent mornings, I miss us laughing at a picnic on the green fields amidst the water sprinklers, I miss us hiking to the top of mountains to share a moment, I miss us cozying up in a comforter in a big armchair in a warm library by the fireplace with hot chocolate to share a book.
I miss us night after night after night up on the roof in the field on the street curbs in the balcony lying on our backs staring at the stars trading secrets, every secret, secrets that we can and have never been able to tell our closest friends, guys or girls, for the best of reasons.
But we can share those secrets, because there is nothing to hide and we are everything there is.
I miss you.
I pray I meet you soon. Because life isn't going so good right now, I mean its okay, but increasingly I find myself alone, despite all the wonderful friends I have around me that I love and treasure so dearly.
Because they can't be there for me all the time, and I can't for them, and I wouldn't ask them too, not to spend all their available time on me, because they are friends, and part of being a friend is letting them have other friends, other lives, chilling out, self-sacrifice.
But you, you're different. You want to hang out with me. You desperately want to be with me as much as I desperately want to be with you, calling me when you're done with classes, showing up at my door to surprise me with waffles, planning a huge birthday surprise for me behind my back, treasuring me and thinking of me when I have to go on holiday and we can't keep up our midnight calls.
Just as I am doing the same for you, not out of repayment, and not because I expect something out of you just because I do these things for you.
Simply because I love you, and making you happy, surprising you and entertaining you makes me happy. Spending time with you makes me happy, because you alight my soul. And I do these things one-way, free gestures, with no intent for reciprocation(:
Freely giving with abandon and smiles and love just because making your life better is right to do, and I stop thinking right there(:
And it is so cool because you do exactly the same, not out of obligation, but simply because it is easy and natural to love me out of everyone else, because you see something in me that even I don't understand, but you constantly reassure me that its there anyway.
And the weird but cool thing is that that's exactly the same way I feel about you.
We are lucky people aren't we, finding each other like that, hearts and souls and minds finding a timeless companion in one another in a crazy hurting tumultuous world. I can't get enough of you.
When the whole world turns on its head in chaos, when parents, people, best friends, brothers let us down and we rage and cry and sob ourselves to sleep, its not so bad, because your arms are open and I know I can come running to you without feeling awkward or weird or imposing.
Because your love is one freely given and unconditional, we've talked about it, like every other thing we've talked about, even the really hard stuff involving each other that friends don't talk about, to each other, and we know without a doubt that even when we fight or fall or cry, I trust you and you trust me.
I trust you about everything, and even though you can't tell me how many stars there are in the skies tonight, you're my next best bet after God and my money's on you.
I've never met anyone like you, you blow my mind, you can argue with me intelligently about the best of issues holding your own, you refuse to compromise on being you, you shock me, annoy me, make me tear my hair out in exasperation sometimes.
But at the same time you melt my heart. Just looking at you takes my breath, my soul away, I could lose myself in your eyes forever, in those sparkling windows into your beautiful soul. Your hands, your fingers that hold me, your ears that I whisper in, your toes that dance across the sand together with mine, and your hair-
Lets not even get started on the hair.
And everytime you throw a tantrum or are silly or just plan to drive me nuts I don't know whether to hug you or to hit you.
So I kiss you.
This happens quite often.
And even while you can be so silly and crazy and my partner in crime so many times, when we need to be serious, when I need to be brought back in line, when I'm hurting and need not just a hug and hot chocolate but advice, you snap back and you wow me with your insights and your compassion and your love and everything else in your beautiful mind. We dance, we sing, we cry, we take over the world and everything else we set our minds to because nothing can stand in the way of our love. Not even the kids.
I love you.
I hope I meet you soon.
Hello. I don't think I've even met you yet, maybe I have, I don't know, but chances are that if I am meant to be together with someone for the rest of this life, you're alive and well right now and running about the same world I'm in, we just haven't met yet.
Logically speaking.
Haha well. Yeah. What is there to say. I miss you.I miss you already, even though I haven't met you (at least I think I haven't, and if I have could you please tell me so my life can be spared all the complications of its current state).
I miss you. I miss connecting with you, I miss laughing with and at you, smiling outside and inside at your smile, your sparkling eyes, your dimples, your wavy hair, drinking every aspect of your physicality in with wonder and awe at how I ever found you and how I could possibly ever let you go.
I miss the sound of your laugh that tinkles and echoes through my memories, I miss smelling your hair after an impetuous run through a January spring shower, after an hour-long warm bath, before Sunday breakfast and every moment of my existence in relation to you.
I miss us cooking golden pancakes in the resplendent mornings, I miss us laughing at a picnic on the green fields amidst the water sprinklers, I miss us hiking to the top of mountains to share a moment, I miss us cozying up in a comforter in a big armchair in a warm library by the fireplace with hot chocolate to share a book.
I miss us night after night after night up on the roof in the field on the street curbs in the balcony lying on our backs staring at the stars trading secrets, every secret, secrets that we can and have never been able to tell our closest friends, guys or girls, for the best of reasons.
But we can share those secrets, because there is nothing to hide and we are everything there is.
I miss you.
I pray I meet you soon. Because life isn't going so good right now, I mean its okay, but increasingly I find myself alone, despite all the wonderful friends I have around me that I love and treasure so dearly.
Because they can't be there for me all the time, and I can't for them, and I wouldn't ask them too, not to spend all their available time on me, because they are friends, and part of being a friend is letting them have other friends, other lives, chilling out, self-sacrifice.
But you, you're different. You want to hang out with me. You desperately want to be with me as much as I desperately want to be with you, calling me when you're done with classes, showing up at my door to surprise me with waffles, planning a huge birthday surprise for me behind my back, treasuring me and thinking of me when I have to go on holiday and we can't keep up our midnight calls.
Just as I am doing the same for you, not out of repayment, and not because I expect something out of you just because I do these things for you.
Simply because I love you, and making you happy, surprising you and entertaining you makes me happy. Spending time with you makes me happy, because you alight my soul. And I do these things one-way, free gestures, with no intent for reciprocation(:
Freely giving with abandon and smiles and love just because making your life better is right to do, and I stop thinking right there(:
And it is so cool because you do exactly the same, not out of obligation, but simply because it is easy and natural to love me out of everyone else, because you see something in me that even I don't understand, but you constantly reassure me that its there anyway.
And the weird but cool thing is that that's exactly the same way I feel about you.
We are lucky people aren't we, finding each other like that, hearts and souls and minds finding a timeless companion in one another in a crazy hurting tumultuous world. I can't get enough of you.
When the whole world turns on its head in chaos, when parents, people, best friends, brothers let us down and we rage and cry and sob ourselves to sleep, its not so bad, because your arms are open and I know I can come running to you without feeling awkward or weird or imposing.
Because your love is one freely given and unconditional, we've talked about it, like every other thing we've talked about, even the really hard stuff involving each other that friends don't talk about, to each other, and we know without a doubt that even when we fight or fall or cry, I trust you and you trust me.
I trust you about everything, and even though you can't tell me how many stars there are in the skies tonight, you're my next best bet after God and my money's on you.
I've never met anyone like you, you blow my mind, you can argue with me intelligently about the best of issues holding your own, you refuse to compromise on being you, you shock me, annoy me, make me tear my hair out in exasperation sometimes.
But at the same time you melt my heart. Just looking at you takes my breath, my soul away, I could lose myself in your eyes forever, in those sparkling windows into your beautiful soul. Your hands, your fingers that hold me, your ears that I whisper in, your toes that dance across the sand together with mine, and your hair-
Lets not even get started on the hair.
And everytime you throw a tantrum or are silly or just plan to drive me nuts I don't know whether to hug you or to hit you.
So I kiss you.
This happens quite often.
And even while you can be so silly and crazy and my partner in crime so many times, when we need to be serious, when I need to be brought back in line, when I'm hurting and need not just a hug and hot chocolate but advice, you snap back and you wow me with your insights and your compassion and your love and everything else in your beautiful mind. We dance, we sing, we cry, we take over the world and everything else we set our minds to because nothing can stand in the way of our love. Not even the kids.
I love you.
I hope I meet you soon.
Letters
To Adin:
Hello friend who I first met as one of the freshmen under me at FMS camp,
You're awesome. Haha. I actually knew about you before FMS camp, I noticed you and Byran at FOC dancing crazily together being megahigh and thinking "why aren't these dudes in my tribe man". Yeah. And when it came down to FOC, you were under me, and I knew the group was going to rock even before I did anything, even before throwing Bev and Enna and everyone else into the picture. Haha. And so I tried to get you to do your thing which I already knew you were going to do..
And you didn't let me down. Not at all. We went from strength to strength to major awesomeness as a group not least because of your presence, and never once did I doubt, not even at the starting, that you would come through.
And the same thing happened for Red Camp.
You were thrown into a group on your own, away from Keenan, Gerald, I and the rest, but I never much worried for you. Heck, you and Bev, I knew you guys would make your mark on your own, make new friends, be a leading force, the way I did last year.
And did you and Bev give Apaches a heck of a battle lol, and the whole time I was really proud of you guys. Haha. And I'm really proud of you guys everytime you guys are one of the leading forces behind doing something crazy, something retarded, something high, and it feels good, in a weird way, on some level the legacy I'm leaving behind, even though its not really. Its the way I see it. Heh.
But its not just that man. Adin, since that time since knowing you as a junior, you've gone from that into one of my closest friends, I never see you as a junior anymore (it doesn't work like that with me and my closest friends haha), but instead you're one of the go-to people that I turn to whenever I need emotional support, or someone to hang out with, or someone to hatch a crazy high idea with. You, Keenan, Josh, Yisin. I don't have many close guy friends, and I appreciate the existence of you so much in my life. As awesome as girls are, there are just some things that we just can't tell them like the stuff we discussed earlier today. HAHA.
Yeah well. Lol. As a Christian, as a person, as a brother, as a crazy fun conspirator, you're a pillar in my life, and I want to thank you man. Lol.
Especially for earlier today.
Thank you so much. I was obviously looking for someone to hang out with, a guy I could trust, to talk about girl stuff with, and I was obviously fishing about for some of your time without trying to be gay or softy or weird about it and so I appreciate it loads that you held off your going home so I could talk. Haha.
Thank you, for allowing me to share just a little bit of all the love drama and girl problems and history that I've had in my life, I have years and years of stories to tell and tonight you let me open up about some of the memories that mean the most to me in my life, some of the pain, some of the hurt, some of the secret thoughts and longings and feelings that I never show to everyone else and sometimes not even myself because I refuse to be mushy or caught up in infatuation or whatever. I can and will feel bad about talking too much and going on and on and making someone else just shut up and listen, but thank you.
Especially since some of this stuff you just can't tell your close girl friends. At all. Haha. And Keenan's like busy and stuff and I'm sure he's had enough of my girl musings by now, and he doesn't even know some of the stuff you know now, due to time or space limitations, and so again, I thank you.
Haha. You rock man. Love and appreciate you so much as a brother, a friend, a comrade, and a conspirator. See you tomorrow maybe, and definitely Friday at Danzation. Lololol. Later.
Keann.
Hello friend who I first met as one of the freshmen under me at FMS camp,
You're awesome. Haha. I actually knew about you before FMS camp, I noticed you and Byran at FOC dancing crazily together being megahigh and thinking "why aren't these dudes in my tribe man". Yeah. And when it came down to FOC, you were under me, and I knew the group was going to rock even before I did anything, even before throwing Bev and Enna and everyone else into the picture. Haha. And so I tried to get you to do your thing which I already knew you were going to do..
And you didn't let me down. Not at all. We went from strength to strength to major awesomeness as a group not least because of your presence, and never once did I doubt, not even at the starting, that you would come through.
And the same thing happened for Red Camp.
You were thrown into a group on your own, away from Keenan, Gerald, I and the rest, but I never much worried for you. Heck, you and Bev, I knew you guys would make your mark on your own, make new friends, be a leading force, the way I did last year.
And did you and Bev give Apaches a heck of a battle lol, and the whole time I was really proud of you guys. Haha. And I'm really proud of you guys everytime you guys are one of the leading forces behind doing something crazy, something retarded, something high, and it feels good, in a weird way, on some level the legacy I'm leaving behind, even though its not really. Its the way I see it. Heh.
But its not just that man. Adin, since that time since knowing you as a junior, you've gone from that into one of my closest friends, I never see you as a junior anymore (it doesn't work like that with me and my closest friends haha), but instead you're one of the go-to people that I turn to whenever I need emotional support, or someone to hang out with, or someone to hatch a crazy high idea with. You, Keenan, Josh, Yisin. I don't have many close guy friends, and I appreciate the existence of you so much in my life. As awesome as girls are, there are just some things that we just can't tell them like the stuff we discussed earlier today. HAHA.
Yeah well. Lol. As a Christian, as a person, as a brother, as a crazy fun conspirator, you're a pillar in my life, and I want to thank you man. Lol.
Especially for earlier today.
Thank you so much. I was obviously looking for someone to hang out with, a guy I could trust, to talk about girl stuff with, and I was obviously fishing about for some of your time without trying to be gay or softy or weird about it and so I appreciate it loads that you held off your going home so I could talk. Haha.
Thank you, for allowing me to share just a little bit of all the love drama and girl problems and history that I've had in my life, I have years and years of stories to tell and tonight you let me open up about some of the memories that mean the most to me in my life, some of the pain, some of the hurt, some of the secret thoughts and longings and feelings that I never show to everyone else and sometimes not even myself because I refuse to be mushy or caught up in infatuation or whatever. I can and will feel bad about talking too much and going on and on and making someone else just shut up and listen, but thank you.
Especially since some of this stuff you just can't tell your close girl friends. At all. Haha. And Keenan's like busy and stuff and I'm sure he's had enough of my girl musings by now, and he doesn't even know some of the stuff you know now, due to time or space limitations, and so again, I thank you.
Haha. You rock man. Love and appreciate you so much as a brother, a friend, a comrade, and a conspirator. See you tomorrow maybe, and definitely Friday at Danzation. Lololol. Later.
Keann.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Lolololololol
Keann~ I'm Keann, and I explode cheese sausages says:
everywhere not in the west is the east!
08:46 PMMark[: Maybe the timing is beating our hearts says:
Hahaha biased!
08:47 PMKeann~ I'm Keann, and I explode cheese sausages says:
i am completely not biased
everywhere not in the east is in the west
see i am completely fair
--------------------
Lolololol.
everywhere not in the west is the east!
08:46 PMMark[: Maybe the timing is beating our hearts says:
Hahaha biased!
08:47 PMKeann~ I'm Keann, and I explode cheese sausages says:
i am completely not biased
everywhere not in the east is in the west
see i am completely fair
--------------------
Lolololol.
Monday, December 15, 2008
On The Last Plane Home
Sheesh.
So I was stumbling around Junction 8 at Bishan (we’ll get to why I was there later) and suddenly I was compelled to blog about something I saw/experienced/loved/had to talk about straightaway cause it was really sweet and a really timeless moment.
What do we do in times like these?
Retreat to Starbucks, of course :D
Except I found out with much indignation that there apparently ain’t no Starbucks at Junction 8 so I walked into Coffee Bean (next best thing right?) grudgingly..
And pretty much walked right out.
Coffee Bean is fail. Décor and woodsy smell just..doesn’t feel right, and it was crowded, and I couldn’t hear no music, only incessant chatter which I have never experienced in Starbucks before.
I just wanted a place to blog though, so I was about to stay, but then I realised I had no hard cash on me and I gave up about there.
I went outside though! Tables outside, nobody using them, I won’t get in the way, sounds like a good idea :D
5 seconds later I decide I’m just going to blog on the MRT with Microsoft Word and here I am :/
Sheesh man. Incessant pounding of the drills @ construction work near the MRT + the maddeningly annoying Salvation Army volunteer going DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING with her bell non-stop at a semiquaver rate = quite an experience.
You should try it sometime.
And thusly Coffee Bean equals fail. Sigh.
So I was at Junction 8 at Bishan to sign up for that Subway job.
Yar srsly.
That’s right. Crappy $4/hr pay, crappy green polo, chopping onions and other weird veggies in the morning, memorizing the meat combinations and orders..
See, the clincher for me is that Subway is going to be in school :o
1. Free drinks forever next to FMS block for me = awesome
2. Free lunch during school days for shifts that I’m working = much saving going on.
3. Morning opening shifts won’t be such a chore cause I live relatively near and I could help out before classes
4. All my friends will be there.
5. I’ve worked there briefly before so I vaguely know the system..
6. Free leftover cookies at end of the day. YES PLEASE :D
And suddenly that $4 pay isn’t quite so bad. Haha. Meh. So we had to go to Bishan to sign up if we wanted the job..
Hence me @ Bishan.
Got my creative journal book finally! And crayons, and colour pencils, and glue, but I stopped short of glitter because it’s a bloody ripoff.
$1.20 - $1.55 for a little small fat tube of one colour. What the hell. Srsly. They don’t tell you these things on the Barney Show when they spam glitter all over the place..
That said I need a Barney Bag.
(pause while I transfer trains at Raffles)
- camps out on space on the floor in the westbound train –
Apple would totally love me right now, I’m totally doing image advertising for them at the moment. Me and my soccer ball in my casual beige pullover and beach berms and white sneakers with tousled hair leaning casually in the corner blogging with the Mac on my knees…
Except I’ve just found out I’m on the wrong door sides to be sitting at. Crap crap crap.
Embarrasing.
Ah wellgh.
I’m sticking it out dammit. Lol. :/
ANYWAY I nearly lost my phone at Popular. Sigh. Technically I did. I left it at the counter after my purchase and looked into my bag for it and didn’t find it and was spazzing and somewhere in that time someone put it into the drawer.
Couldn’t they just have left it on the counter for me…
Well, whew, thank you Lord. I was praying, and the people there were all really nice about it. Heh.
SO I wandered into Trumpet Praise somehow :D
And this is what I wanted to talk about :D :D
I don’t know, its like, I was idly mozing around feeling stressed because of all the Christmas shoppers around me and all the Christmas merchandise going around, and I’m nowhere near presents yet?
Sigh.
Don’t get me wrong. I would love to go out and buy presents like everyone else. Like, looking at something, and thinking “Dude he’d really like this” oh lol “She needs that definitely”, buying a CD here, a book there, a little pen thing here, some more expensive and some less expensive than others but it doesn’t matter because you’re sincere about picking them out, the price tag just happens to be the one it has?
Problem is that I don’t have the sustainable income to do that for more than what, 3-4 people D=
And it wouldn’t be fair..
I could make stuff, and draw cards, little things, but I’m scared I won’t have the inspiration to last me through the 30-40 people I want to do things for this Christmas.
Okay getting off train.
Yeah. Plus I dunch know if I have the time to do all of that. You know like how you start writing letters to a bunch of people but you get emotionally tired about halfway through and the stuff starts becoming generic? And that would be so hugely unfair to the people I happened to be writing to later ):
Anyyway. So yeah. Feeling stressed. Was looking for the CD store but ended up walking into Trumpet Praise somehow, and the moment I stepped in I got marvellously cheered up already :D
Trumpet Praise is a Christian book/cd store, alright (:
The atmosphere was completely different from everywhere else in the mall, completely a tangible difference, and it was so cool! You know, even though its Christmas, and Trumpet Praise has Christmas stuff going on, and everywhere else has Christmas stuff going on, but its so completely different somehow..
It hit me when I was walking in and there were about 7-8 people in there and it just hit me that all the people in here right now were driven and led by a love for God :D
And that even though I didn’t know any of them, there was this relationship, this understanding, this group mentality that we just shared and we knew we shared it simply because we were in the same bookstore :D
And I felt completely safe, and everything, and yeah(:
Good experience. Hahahah(:
There were a couple of CDs I wanted, and loads of books and devotionals I saw in there that I wanted or wanted to buy for people..
But I simply can’t afford anything so agh well :/
Sigh.
Okay well. Heading home. See you in 10 minutes (:
So I was stumbling around Junction 8 at Bishan (we’ll get to why I was there later) and suddenly I was compelled to blog about something I saw/experienced/loved/had to talk about straightaway cause it was really sweet and a really timeless moment.
What do we do in times like these?
Retreat to Starbucks, of course :D
Except I found out with much indignation that there apparently ain’t no Starbucks at Junction 8 so I walked into Coffee Bean (next best thing right?) grudgingly..
And pretty much walked right out.
Coffee Bean is fail. Décor and woodsy smell just..doesn’t feel right, and it was crowded, and I couldn’t hear no music, only incessant chatter which I have never experienced in Starbucks before.
I just wanted a place to blog though, so I was about to stay, but then I realised I had no hard cash on me and I gave up about there.
I went outside though! Tables outside, nobody using them, I won’t get in the way, sounds like a good idea :D
5 seconds later I decide I’m just going to blog on the MRT with Microsoft Word and here I am :/
Sheesh man. Incessant pounding of the drills @ construction work near the MRT + the maddeningly annoying Salvation Army volunteer going DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING with her bell non-stop at a semiquaver rate = quite an experience.
You should try it sometime.
And thusly Coffee Bean equals fail. Sigh.
So I was at Junction 8 at Bishan to sign up for that Subway job.
Yar srsly.
That’s right. Crappy $4/hr pay, crappy green polo, chopping onions and other weird veggies in the morning, memorizing the meat combinations and orders..
See, the clincher for me is that Subway is going to be in school :o
1. Free drinks forever next to FMS block for me = awesome
2. Free lunch during school days for shifts that I’m working = much saving going on.
3. Morning opening shifts won’t be such a chore cause I live relatively near and I could help out before classes
4. All my friends will be there.
5. I’ve worked there briefly before so I vaguely know the system..
6. Free leftover cookies at end of the day. YES PLEASE :D
And suddenly that $4 pay isn’t quite so bad. Haha. Meh. So we had to go to Bishan to sign up if we wanted the job..
Hence me @ Bishan.
Got my creative journal book finally! And crayons, and colour pencils, and glue, but I stopped short of glitter because it’s a bloody ripoff.
$1.20 - $1.55 for a little small fat tube of one colour. What the hell. Srsly. They don’t tell you these things on the Barney Show when they spam glitter all over the place..
That said I need a Barney Bag.
(pause while I transfer trains at Raffles)
- camps out on space on the floor in the westbound train –
Apple would totally love me right now, I’m totally doing image advertising for them at the moment. Me and my soccer ball in my casual beige pullover and beach berms and white sneakers with tousled hair leaning casually in the corner blogging with the Mac on my knees…
Except I’ve just found out I’m on the wrong door sides to be sitting at. Crap crap crap.
Embarrasing.
Ah wellgh.
I’m sticking it out dammit. Lol. :/
ANYWAY I nearly lost my phone at Popular. Sigh. Technically I did. I left it at the counter after my purchase and looked into my bag for it and didn’t find it and was spazzing and somewhere in that time someone put it into the drawer.
Couldn’t they just have left it on the counter for me…
Well, whew, thank you Lord. I was praying, and the people there were all really nice about it. Heh.
SO I wandered into Trumpet Praise somehow :D
And this is what I wanted to talk about :D :D
I don’t know, its like, I was idly mozing around feeling stressed because of all the Christmas shoppers around me and all the Christmas merchandise going around, and I’m nowhere near presents yet?
Sigh.
Don’t get me wrong. I would love to go out and buy presents like everyone else. Like, looking at something, and thinking “Dude he’d really like this” oh lol “She needs that definitely”, buying a CD here, a book there, a little pen thing here, some more expensive and some less expensive than others but it doesn’t matter because you’re sincere about picking them out, the price tag just happens to be the one it has?
Problem is that I don’t have the sustainable income to do that for more than what, 3-4 people D=
And it wouldn’t be fair..
I could make stuff, and draw cards, little things, but I’m scared I won’t have the inspiration to last me through the 30-40 people I want to do things for this Christmas.
Okay getting off train.
Yeah. Plus I dunch know if I have the time to do all of that. You know like how you start writing letters to a bunch of people but you get emotionally tired about halfway through and the stuff starts becoming generic? And that would be so hugely unfair to the people I happened to be writing to later ):
Anyyway. So yeah. Feeling stressed. Was looking for the CD store but ended up walking into Trumpet Praise somehow, and the moment I stepped in I got marvellously cheered up already :D
Trumpet Praise is a Christian book/cd store, alright (:
The atmosphere was completely different from everywhere else in the mall, completely a tangible difference, and it was so cool! You know, even though its Christmas, and Trumpet Praise has Christmas stuff going on, and everywhere else has Christmas stuff going on, but its so completely different somehow..
It hit me when I was walking in and there were about 7-8 people in there and it just hit me that all the people in here right now were driven and led by a love for God :D
And that even though I didn’t know any of them, there was this relationship, this understanding, this group mentality that we just shared and we knew we shared it simply because we were in the same bookstore :D
And I felt completely safe, and everything, and yeah(:
Good experience. Hahahah(:
There were a couple of CDs I wanted, and loads of books and devotionals I saw in there that I wanted or wanted to buy for people..
But I simply can’t afford anything so agh well :/
Sigh.
Okay well. Heading home. See you in 10 minutes (:
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Keann's heart is never coming back to him, is it.
Well, yeah.
I just realised in the past 10 minutes that no matter where I go, how many people I meet, how many crushes and almost-crushes and relationships I fall into, I still keep coming back to the same person.
It is annoying. I don't want to.
I want my heart back. And it isn't even her fault to begin with.
I pray that you don't see this.
It would be quite an epic story though, if somehow, at the end of it all something does happen but life never happens that way does it. I don't dare to hope. Just like how I don't dare to think about relationships anymore, not because I'm that happily single (I am, but still), but because I can't comprehend and can't and don't want to deal with the consequences of screwing up any more friendships and any more people.
I just can't.
But I'm digressing again.
It just completely irritates me how I can drift over to Facebook and find a profile photo of you thrown to me from some random app or other, and 2 seconds later I find myself reading your wall, captivated.
Reading and recognizing the way you type that is so totally you.
Noticing little things in your speech pattern that have changed instinctively, and liking it anyway.
Fighting an urge to post and say "hi, how are you doing" because nothing good can possible come out of it and I don't think I mattered THAT much in your life to you while we were friends anyway. It was just my skewed perceptions that made you matter to me.
Smiling, and kicking myself for doing so.
Its been what, 4 years now? God.
I so thought I was wayyyy over you.
And I suppose I am.
It just so completely irritates me when I see the part of me that liked you waking up again, because I know it well, and you'd think that out of all the lessons I learnt about relationships and friendships from there I would simply remember to not. go. there. again.
OH COME ON. I SHOULD BE WAY STRONGER THAN THIS. 4 YEARS. SHEESH.
Keann you are majorly retarded. Thanks.
Okay now I really must get some sleep or I'll end up sleepwalking during soccer later. So much for kicking Ambassador Butt.
I miss you, friend.
I just realised in the past 10 minutes that no matter where I go, how many people I meet, how many crushes and almost-crushes and relationships I fall into, I still keep coming back to the same person.
It is annoying. I don't want to.
I want my heart back. And it isn't even her fault to begin with.
I pray that you don't see this.
It would be quite an epic story though, if somehow, at the end of it all something does happen but life never happens that way does it. I don't dare to hope. Just like how I don't dare to think about relationships anymore, not because I'm that happily single (I am, but still), but because I can't comprehend and can't and don't want to deal with the consequences of screwing up any more friendships and any more people.
I just can't.
But I'm digressing again.
It just completely irritates me how I can drift over to Facebook and find a profile photo of you thrown to me from some random app or other, and 2 seconds later I find myself reading your wall, captivated.
Reading and recognizing the way you type that is so totally you.
Noticing little things in your speech pattern that have changed instinctively, and liking it anyway.
Fighting an urge to post and say "hi, how are you doing" because nothing good can possible come out of it and I don't think I mattered THAT much in your life to you while we were friends anyway. It was just my skewed perceptions that made you matter to me.
Smiling, and kicking myself for doing so.
Its been what, 4 years now? God.
I so thought I was wayyyy over you.
And I suppose I am.
It just so completely irritates me when I see the part of me that liked you waking up again, because I know it well, and you'd think that out of all the lessons I learnt about relationships and friendships from there I would simply remember to not. go. there. again.
OH COME ON. I SHOULD BE WAY STRONGER THAN THIS. 4 YEARS. SHEESH.
Keann you are majorly retarded. Thanks.
Okay now I really must get some sleep or I'll end up sleepwalking during soccer later. So much for kicking Ambassador Butt.
I miss you, friend.
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