Let Thee Force Thyself To Journal

28/2/09, Saturday

Its the last day of the month, how about that. I never even noticed. I've been atrophying here too much...


Anyway, life has been interesting, and probably about to get more.

Sigh. Since my last journal entry I really haven't been doing much? But I hope I'm slowly but surely getting there with discipline. Thursday was an entirely wasted day, and the lesson learnt is to please control your sleep time. If you're not disciplined in controlling your sleep time the night before you are not going to be controlled with waking up, and it can throw your entire schedule off, especially if you are one who doesn't have enough discipline to try and fix the schedule.

Also, I don't think porn helped the day. Sigh. It was clearly wrong, tempting, and feels so good, but damn, clearly wrong.

Everytime I impulsively go to porn, some part of the day screws up. Its true. And I'm left with a convincing feeling that I shouldn't do it again. Until the next time I get tempted, which is like now. Bleh.

Friday wasn't that much better, productivity wise, meaning I didn't do much with skateboard or guitar. Going to movie was okay though, and corporate..

Man. That was the clincher. I think. Haha. Corporate was so good. You could clearly see God working there. And at some point God just took over and I'm quite in awe at all that happened with and around me, when people are on fire for God? Praying for this person, this vision here, meeting someone's mom, suddenly leading prayer for people behind me, and getting Jo to go in front to share vision..

I don't know Lord. I thank you for it, I really do, and I know its not of me, and I am appreciative of all that you've done, but somehow I don't seem swept away by the whole thing?

And that sucks because I do want to be swept away..

Especially when I'm going into these things on autopilot and duty and whatnot. Yes I want to be there, but not on a level of passion and zeal that I used to feel? There is still, and I feel guilty about not having it all there.

Then I decided I'd present me to you anyway, with my flaws and whatnot and let you use me anyway.

And that was good (:


..Now I have another distraction in my life. WoW. Lol. Sigh.

And the party tonight? I think I don't really want to think about it man. Haha. But I know its going to irk me the whole day. Should I go? No. But I want to see everybody and I want to try my hand at the scene..

Sigh. All the wrong reasons to go clubbing.

And my parents won't like it.

And prayer the next morning.

Granted I could go till 10+pm but its such a waste right, of the 25 bucks.

I wonder if I can take the money back? Like, cancel my ticket?

But then again I don't really want to! Gah

Conflict conflict conflict. I wonder how I'm going to be able to worship like this...

Sigh.

How God):

Don't go right.

But the 25 dollars how.

Is it worth a backslide?

No.

But maybe I could go and not dishonour you? Is it possible? Casey is going and all that, Sinee is going, etc.

I mean, I desperately dont want to be seen as uncool, heck, I don't want to see myself as uncool.

I know its an earthly pursuit. And my value is found in you Lord, not my social status or my dance ability.

But I am tempted to go anyway?

And the 25 bucks isn't helping. Lol.

You know, if you asked me not to go right now, I should be willing to give it up right. 25 dollars is a small price to pay for obeying You and following You, men and women have given up far more in your Name.

Owells.

So what. So how. I should cancel but when I think about who's going and what is going to happen there I don't want to cancel! Its the consequences and implications that want me to cancel. Gah.

Gahhh. Bleagh. It seems that I can go if I go for the right reasons. Aka, see how Christians behave at a club. Be a shining light. Lol what. Go there to party, but be clear on not dishonouring you.

Oh man...but I'm already dishonouring you by not obeying parents about it.

Hence, we don't go. There is no black and white about it. We shall not go.

No wonder Satan wants to stop me from journalling, he wants to stop me thinking and coming clear with God about my life..

Haha oh well. Lets make a bold step. I'm not going. Or at the most, go for the shirt if I can't cancel. Lol.