Realisation

This evening I realized why I desire to be in control of my own life so much.

Because so often in my life, people who have been in control of me and are supposed to use that to love me, have so often used that to hurt me. 

And I'm so so tired of it all. That's why I prefer to be in charge. Because when I am, I can use that to not hurt the people around me that I'm in charge of. I can use it for good. And I'm so proud of that because I often have.

But also because when I hold the cards, I can't be hurt.

All my life syncs up like that. In church, I've always have issues with the idea of giving my whole life over to accountability because I don't inherently believe that someone wouldn't abuse that, even if their intentions were as well as they could possibly be. I have no control of that. And in WoW, I so often gravitate to tank in dungeons because I set the pace, I set the tone, and I can stop people being mean to each other. The moment I go DPS I feel completely at mercy of everything and everyone, and can't do very much about saving a bad run. At least as a healer I can save things to a certain extent. But if I'm the tank, nobody else has to be a shitty-ass one.

I have bad days too. And I've seen me have selfish moments. I'm not WoW-Jesus. I've left groups under the cover of internet anonymity before after I've gotten what I wanted (I'd say rarely, but it doesn't help much in my moral defense.) But...it's on me. I'm in charge.

A few weeks ago, my dad pulled my uni support. So very often in life have my parents pulled the internet, and only recently because I have the power to stream it on my own phone have I gained the control to beat that. Just earlier today, my mom refused to dole out the Xbox controllers - which I never ask for, I play like a few times a year - for my best friend and I because my brother is having Os.

I'm 22. And I told my mate not to come.

This is the thing. If I'm in charge. No one can hurt me except me.

I used to think "Wow, thank God I understand God is not like my earthly parents. That He'll never leave me or forsake me and He's always going to do the best for me - and because He has perfect wisdom I can count on that His best really is going to be the best. He really does know best and it isn't flawed."

But...I guess I can see where so many times in my life, despite me saying that, I can't inherently trust that He really has the best and so I take control. Because I'm so afraid of getting hurt or shortchanged.

Yeah. Keann-is-such-a-cool-dude-isn't-afraid-of-anything is afraid, is so so afraid. Up one to the psych dept.

I'm sorry Lord. I really love You, but I'm sorry that I'm so so flawed and because of that I can't love You properly. And the mad, mad thing is that You love me anyway. I'm so sorry for constantly hurting you without recourse.

I'm so, so sorry.

But thank you (: 

/Hug

I only come here when bad stuff happens, evidently.

Today has been hard.
This year has been hard.

My world has shattered three times over already, and I'm not sure how many blows I can take.

Rachael.
Jail.
And now university is slipping out of my grasp.

My father decided to withdraw support for my university education today. All my dreams for going overseas next year - shattered. I know - at least I think I know - that God promised to bring me to Brisbane for uni.

I think.

But I guess He also never really said next year.
I think.

I'm going to be relooking at the prophecies in my life long and hard, I think.
I guess my small comfort is that even when I forget God's promises in my life, He doesn't.

I'm ultimately okay.

I'm in God's hands, and He's a God that loves me unconditionally. Trusts me unconditionally. Loves me extravagantly. Believes in me, and takes joy in me.

I wish I could say the same about my father.
Dad decided to withdraw my university support today because he felt that I can't handle my life or finances. He wants me to work for the next two years first, to prove to him that I can save up $50,000. So he can trust me with the money he'll put in for my education.

Which is not entirely unreasonable.

But two years.
Two more years. I'm looking at finishing uni at 30 now. And I never wanted that. My college life, shattered. I already waited two years being in the army, with the understanding that I was going to go.

And I'm so angry. And so hurt and sad. That I should have to prove myself to my father.
That's not the God I know, that's not the Father I know, that's not the love I should know.

I could have always done the make-lots-of-money thing. I fully believe that I can go overseas and stay there on my own. God will provide for me even if my family doesn't. My God is greater and his riches are more than abundant. I know this. I always have stood on this.

But I wish I had parents that believed in me too. It would be nice to have.
I don't know what that's like. I've spent so much of my life defending myself, protecting myself, trying to make it on my own without my parents. And I'm not entirely sure why I should have to. Not when I've been around other families that are just so nice and healing to be around because man. Its just good.

But that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose. I wish I could trust my parents to believe in me.
But I don't have it.

But I have God. When all else fails, I know I have God.
Time to go be amazing for the next two years, and beyond. Time to make lots of money, and to bless, and to be an amazing success.

But not for my parents. Never for my parents. Not because I have to win their approval, or earn their trust.

Never that. I refuse.

I do this for me. Because I am amazing. And its time to make it happen.
Time to be amazing.

I wish I could have parents along for that.
But I don't, and that's that.

This is never for them. But I'll happily, gladly, prove them wrong. Gloriously.
I don't need your lack of support.
I wish I needed you less, and I'm going to work to.

I don't know if I can ever forgive you. I'd like to one day. Maybe one day I'll look back and grudgingly admit that you were right to do this. Maybe.

But right now, no.
Just no.

Time to go.
Please teach me more things, Lord.
I trust you.

*self-hug*

If we gotta start somewhere why not here

Its been an interesting day.

Was looking forward to a glorious chilly air-con filled, peaceful gaming afternoon (I don't get many of these anymore), lots of food in the fridge to devour. Then Amos calls me at 3pm:

"Dude what are you doing."

"....I'm at home"

"Okay come out and hang. Amsterdam (What he calls Holland V)."

Me staring at the scorching sky outside from my chilly room in my woolly hoodie ->
"But.....no."

"You have to come. Don't say I never ever asked you out. Come now."

.......

But yeah I do feel bad. Cause he's right. I've been wishing people would appreciate me and ask me out all this season, especially when I've been really alone and wondering where my friends are, and you know, he is asking now. Mmmpph. Or maybe I just suck at saying no.
...So I go. Show up at four.


And well - I guess I didn't regret it after all. #grudgingagreement. I.....haven't had a conversation like that in a long time really. Lots of people have been asking me recently why I'm not a leader, or do I want to be again and...I guess I don't know. Lots of it has been me not believing in myself, and not thinking anyone believed in me either. Not feeling like I have a right to push for any of the things that I see or am hungry for because I failed so badly before. Not knowing whether I'd be any good.

So Amos came to me with a vision. Something he wanted to see happening in youth, in our generation, a problem he was seeing and I agreed. Its been there for awhile, and I guess I just haven't not known what to do about it. Been figuring my own life out. Or not feeling like I have a right to say anything when I haven't really been all that faithful. But he's right. This is a huge thing. There is a need for more.

And I guess I felt the old fires stirring again, you know? They've always been still here. I'm still hungry for it. I'm still ready to make a generation that is pushing no-holds barred for the kingdom of God. I don't want a generation that settles. I don't want to settle. There is so much more. And it means so, so much to me that he asked me. That somebody would think I'd be useful (I clearly have stuff to work through :/). I may not know very much. But there's something here that I want to see. And I want to see spanning the globe. Things like these are still very much what I always have been made for.

I'm in a place where I'm so glad God still loves me. That's crazy. And I know I love God. I know what I've done for that cause. But I don't want to stay here forever. I can't rest on past glory. If I'm really remaining in God's love - I am the vine and you are the branches - then I must bear much fruit, you know? I've been pondering what that fruit should look like. But I want it. I don't just want to stay here, for if not I'm not truly in God's love.

And I think this might be part of it. I have been given the gift of time. Maybe I don't want to apply for that journalism internship after all. Maybe I want to use that time to go to pastors and learn, go and find the youth all over Singapore that are hungry to take ownership of our generation. Connect. Build. Make something. What would that look like?

Hell maybe I shouldn't go overseas for uni, at least not right away or something, if we need more time to build this, more than 6 months.

I need to sit down to pray a lot about all this. I might not have to give everything up, but what's important is that I am willing.

A couple more things....I got dragged to Gerald's/Clarence's gig later. Was good. But the interesting thing was, I found myself reaching out to this young lady from Vietnam working at a chocolate shop while Amos was in the washroom. Was just talking and she was talking about how hard it was for her here, she's working every day (Which in F&B is no joke), and I resolved to buy her favourite ice-cream at her shop to bless her (giving generously is something I want to do). But I was troubled because I knew the greatest thing I could give her was not ice-cream or kind words, but to show her Jesus? And I didn't know how to do it. Was fretting with Amos about it.

But when I gave her the ice-cream, she tried to give it back to me, saying she'd rather have my number (Heh.) - because she wanted to learn better English and maybe I could teach her (opportunity!!). And then she started talking about how she really wanted to get out of this job, she'd been working here for 4 years in a foreign land and no pay increase or anything but she didn't know where to go - and I was like, maybe you could come to my church? And we could try to connect you with someone that could help. And she seemed hopeful and really grateful, she told us another lady yesterday offered to do the same thing for her too.

I'm just really grateful to God for face-first handing us the opportunity to invite her to learn of Him, I wouldn't have known how to otherwise. Honest. I really hope it works out for her. And I'm going to see what I can do about the English thing. Maybe after I finish NS next week I could drop by with a Bible for her and teach her English through that? I've never done anything like this before. But missionaries through the ages have often taught English with the Bible so....twofold purpose?

Then I started thinking. Maybe this is what I want to do for 6 months instead of a temp reporter gig. Maybe this is how I could make a difference. I hate these days how everyone keeps going on about foreigners being terrible and taking our jobs. Its the worst attitude ever. And maybe I could counteract that in my own way, with God's love. Teach disadvantaged foreigners better English so they can get better job opportunities. And point them to God, connect them to a community in this.

Maybe.


After the gig, Amos and I went to Maccas for cheap ice-cream. Then we saw this guy going past us on crutches. And I'm staring at Amos and he's all like casually: "Your turn." AND I'M LIKE WHAT. NO. I haven't done stuff like this in years! Plus, Amos is always going on about how he always does this on the street, pray for the disabled, but I've never seen it! I want to learn it from a pro. Seeing it in church doesn't count.

So that happens. Haha. Turns out the guy is Aussie, went to Monash for engineering, been crippled since he was 7, but is here now working in a bank. And we prayed for him. I asked Amos if he normally asks the people to try their limbs out after he prays for them and he said not always. So hey. Maybe its less awkward that way. I just want to get started again. Revival in this city.

I want to bear fruit again. Its been far too long. I want more.
I want more.

Was listening to TobyMac on the way home:

If you gotta start somewhere why not here 
If you gotta start sometime why not now 
If we gotta start somewhere I say here 
If we gotta start sometime I say now
- City On Our Knees

I want more.
I think I've given up far too much to stop running now. I don't want to forget that.
Well goodnight for now. I'm hoping for testimonies the next time I post.
Laterrrr.

Omg Dance

Its so weird. I think I'm in a place where I'm becoming a better dancer than ever before. Been working and working and working at it! And working out and stuff.

But omg I feel like I'm getting smaller and smaller. Why like that ): Was positively drowning in my tank top today.

#soweird

Dad's Birthday Today

Happy Birthday

And Thank You For Everything, Always

Hey Dad,

I know both Mom and you said you don’t me to buy you anything, but this is the least I can do. The least I can I do is write you a letter. I’m so sorry I haven’t given it to you yet, was gonna write it to you last night but I got so tired I just fell asleep or something ):

Well, its your birthday today, crazy. 52th! That’s nuts. And I’m sorry it took me this long to finally give you at least a birthday letter - I know I haven’t been a very good son over the years. Terrible, actually. For years and years I’ve been a pain instead of a joy, have only given you fights and worries instead of joy and pride, haven’t spent time, been only doing my own thing - taking and taking and taking and never giving anything. Being so selfish and not listening.

And yet you have kept giving me everything. I don’t know why. You’ve always patiently waited, always kept giving me a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, dinner or lunch day in day out when I’m at home, allowance, gifts, phones, internet, computer, and the iPad. You’ve always come through when I needed it, and giving me money for - say Brisbane - and have always given me guidance when I’ve asked for it. It amazes me every day that you’ve kept giving me everything that you have, day after day, week after week, year after year.

Only now am I starting to realise just how much I have to learn from you. I’m sorry I’ve never done so before. Whether its cooking, job advice, study advice, saving money or organising life - or perseverance, patience, reliability - there’s so much that I have to learn from you. And I want to. You have actually been an amazing dad.

I think often about what I know of the story of you and your siblings growing up. Admittedly I don’t know very much - but I often look around me at the house I live in and everything we have, how blessed I am and I’m constantly amazed of how far you brought us, how far your brothers and sisters and you managed to come together, despite it being so hard before. I have so much to learn from that alone, you know? And I’m so grateful, every day, that you’ve built a family and a home for me to live in, that I get a chance to dream - and even dream of going to university overseas. Not many get to dream of it, and it humbles me so much that I can even think of it.

You’ve given our family and me so much. And I don’t say it often enough. Sometimes I don’t know how to say it, and I’m sorry that I haven’t, sometimes. I’m still learning. But I want to. Want to be a better son. I’m ready to listen now. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.

And I want to honour you and Mom. I do. In things like getting a job, going to university and doing really well and making you proud - the biggest reason why I was so annoyed that I wasn’t given a chance to be an officer in the Army was because I knew its something I could do well, and I could make you proud with it, maybe finally make you proud about something. It sucked that I couldn’t.

Thank you for everything you’ve ever given me. There are things that I’ll never be able to pay back, and I hope at least I can pass them on. As for me and Australia...its silly but the best thing I think I can hope to give you is to hopefully manage to stay there, and maybe even bring you and Mom over for retirement. I know its crazy, but that’s the goal for me. I know you went there for your honeymoon and have hardly been there since, but I think its the least I can do for you.

You’re amazing. I’m sorry that this is all I can give for now, this little letter, but hopefully it is a beginning. I want to start being useful for you and the family. I do. I hope you have an amazing day and I’ll see you when you get back :)

Happy Birthday Dad. You’re the best. I mean it.

Love,
Keann

2AM

I think I'm actually good now.
Really (:
I look at your photos, your life, and who you are, how far away you are from me, and I smile.
You are you now. Whoever you wanna be, wherever you wanna go. And I'm happy and ready to let you go. I'm actually glad, I think I am, and I'm glad that I am.

That time is over now. We didn't have it perfect, far from it, but we had good times. And I'm glad I knew you, and got to be around you for those precious moments. This first love.

Your smile is as brilliant as ever, and I hope it always is. It still makes me smile, that way your eyes twinkle with spark and life and gentleness and bravery. I hope you never are sad, though you're so beautiful when you are too.

Go build that life, with your family, wherever it takes you. Keep shining in your space, in your universe, and I hope the world gets to see that light, gets to laugh and tear and smile and heal in that glow.
Aye. Time for me to go build mine now. I hope I get far.

God is good. Let's run now, I'll see you there at the finish. And maybe we'll swap stories and laugh and rejoice at how good God is.

I know He heals. I pray that for you every single day. There is nothing I want more. I hope you get there. I want you to get way better than I could ever give you.

Maybe we'll be friends again, when I see you again. I don't know how its gonna go, but smiling and laughing and verbal wrestling the way we used to would be good, with raised eyebrows and trust and dares.

Hopefully that'll go.

God first. Trusting Him. Take care you <3 Wake up and smile the way you do, okay that doesn't happen, you flop right back in your pillow, but you know. Go (:

Love,
- K

Stage Lights

I love a great many things. Like sunrises and rain and hugs, smiles and balloons, pounding the grit in an intense street soccer game, and even taking up a mud-caked camo-streaked position in the steaming jungle, piss-tired mates by your side and trusty rifle gripped in grubby hands.

But I also really love the stage. Something about the golden lights and the red velvet seats, the wooden enamel floor and the dark curtains that beckon and whisper "come, hide in me until it is your time." Waiting in the wings is my favorite part - you think you know what's going to happen - you've rehearsed your tired heart out, the actors breathe their lines and the musicians dream their score. But you don't, and that's the arrestingly beautiful mysticism of it all. Nothing is over till the fat lady sings, and as the lights flare and the bass beat rolls, everything - explodes.

And all she asks of you is that you dare.

Watch This Space

Check this.
This is the moment where I'm saying I will be happy.
And I guess its kinda sad in a way that I have to make a choice this way? But this is what real moving on is like, maybe. Its not about numbing down the pain, or burying, or running away. Its just a simple realization after you've been in the pit long enough that you can't stay here.

There are greater and better and bigger things. There always are in God. And I will still always care for you, I don't know if that part will go away. But its not going anywhere further, either.
I still like all the things you like because they're you. What you say is always of value to me.
And I still want nothing but the best for you.
But that can't be my whole life.
I have to do things for myself too.

I gotta watch out for myself now.
Let's make it good. God will make it good.

Morning Worship

God Is Able - Hillsong

For Who You Are - Hillsong

One Way - Hillsong

Sing Of Your Love Forever - Hillsong/Delirious

Hosanna - Israel Houghton

Such a glorious morning today. Woke up an hour ago, worked through some stuff with God, and then I knew I just had to praise Him. And knowing that I'm in a place where I need to praise Him today for his goodness, might, and power in all things. I sing this words with new meaning and weight now. Like Pastor Joy said at TWEET Camp almost two months ago - How can you not sing One Way and not want to tear up at the weight and trust of it, even when you're singing it in joy?

I lay my life down at your feet
'Cause You're the only one I need
I turn to you and you are always there


In troubled times it's you I seek
I put you first that's all I need
I humble all I am, All to you


You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me


You wil never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end 


You are the way the truth and the life 
 We live by faith and not by sight... for You 
 We're living all for You


So glad that I don't have to go to army today. Its been too long since I could do this, whole house to myself, waking up and giving God praise (and having the discipline and passion to actually come through on it). So blessed that I can do that with my life. Gotta do some uni research today, for Melbourne especially, so its not like I can actually veg about. I emailed an old journalism lecturer last night about possibly meeting her for a chat and I'm hoping maybe even a recommendation for a journ internship job, so I'm waiting on that, as well as a possible hosting gig at the PC Show next weekend. I hope they let me know today, like they said they would *crossedfingers*. Otherwise, I guess its just the sales promoter thing! That I'll know by Friday, could be good too I guess! Though obviously I'd much prefer to host. Better pay, plus experience, portfolio, possible testimonials and contacts. Aahhhh. God please. Hahaha.

Besides that - and this is important.
In worship earlier - I caught a glimpse of something. Something very brief and fleeting but I don't want to let go of it. Its why I'm blogging this entry in the first place.

Was putting a song before the Lord, with my terrible voice, dwelling on the fact that I've finally started on the guitar in praise, that I'm no longer adverse to Chinese or getting a proper job in honoring my parents, and then I looked on the piano. Touched with eyes that have never looked on the keys in wonder since a good 15 years ago and I was a little boy, when all the forced nagging and punishment about it about killed it for me. Wanting to use it in worship.

And then my whole life scrolled out before me like it sometimes does when I get a great concept in my head, when I catch an idea or a vision. I see things happening. I saw everything in my life that I'd ever turned away from - in pain, torment, regret or fear - being redeemed. 

Piano, Chinese, my relationship with my parents, fears and insecurities, broken bridges - being restored in the name of the Lord, in this broken season. Crossed-referenced it with crazy old prophecies and promises about me doing all things music, various instruments, dance, radio, speaking. (Though I hardly do any of these things at all right now.) Then I saw this glimpse of - I don't know, maybe a worship school. Hahaha I don't know.

At about this point I put everything together and realised - it is in God's will to reunite and restore all things, not to break them.

All things. Even things that He's broken to protect you for a time. 
All things. As long as it is of His Will.

Because He created all things once first. And He created it and it was good.

I guess just trust and keep running with Him.
Acknowledging Him in all your ways because He makes your paths straight.
And not running away trying to fix things because your wisdom is nothing compared to His.
I guess just trust maybe. 
And if you can't yet, maybe just worship.

Dreams

You wake up, and you have this dreams, long, elaborate, dramatic, hope beyond hope.  And in these dreams you cry, you're stricken in fear, you laugh, you're ecstatic, you swing on all ends of the emotional pendulum. And then suddenly something shifts and you win.

I don't know why I would have dreams like that.
God, I want the best from you. And its silly that I'd think my idea (or anyone else's) of best is better than your idea of best for me.

So I guess I just have to trust that You'll give me the best. And when I do get it, it really will be the best.

Dance

This is family. This is where I'm home. Even if I don't really know who I am yet. 

Part of me knows this is still home. And I want to get there.

Its not about how many flips or how many spins or how straight. 
Its how far you can stretch your soul.

Risk

Pour out till we're empty.
God I'm going to need You to fill me again.
There's nowhere else I can turn to keep me going.
I hope we're going somewhere good.

Maybe less questions, more worship, more trust.

You want the right answers because you want to know what to do.
But maybe you could just let God do it, worship Him instead, and do what he's already told you to do - in His Word.

Far worse things you could be doing really, Keann.
Seek ye first the kingdom. And choosing not to act on worry & fear for your future. Though you may still have em. But acting based on trust. Which is a choice.

God's going to handle it anyway.
You might as well let him. Don't worry so much about how you're gonna be feeling during the whole thing. The ending score will still be the same.

I hope you're taking care of yourself.
I hope God's taking care of you.

Called

I have always been called to do something like this. I don't know why. I just know. That whole intro bit. Right there. Which is funny because I barely understand the guitar, or sing. But I know.

I wonder.

Edit: What if it was China.
Okay, I've never imagined that. 
O.o :|

Windows

Late morning conversations with God, while walking home:

1)
"I have far greater for you than you can imagine." 

"But God, I can imagine a whole lot."

"Wanna bet I can imagine more?" 

"No lol You can have this one."

2)
"You really are amazing, you know."

":/ But God if I am, why am I sitting around here with this little stuff doing nothing?"

"I'm keeping you in reserve for when I need you. A game-changer. That day will come. I'm preparing you for it."

I guess He's right. All my life I've always had a sense of "I will go somewhere.", "I'm meant for something greater." "One day it'll be my turn to step up."I don't know what, when or where it is, but I know that reach will be unlimited. And its just going to snap into action. It'll be in response to something, I don't know what, something terrible, but I hope not. Something is going to happen to galvanize the world into reaction.

And when that day comes, I have to prepare to be That Voice.

Something is going to happen.

Till then, its about preparation. Whether skills, or saving up financially, or building a team, portfolio, experience, connections. Character. Faithfulness. Honour. 

But for now, today, I want joy. I will praise.
I will praise with my life because God is good.

4 Hours Ago

You think you're okay, then you wake up and everything hits you all over again.

Hurt to breathe. Hurt to walk. Hurt to live.
I don't want to be here, Lord. Please come.

I don't know how long this will take.
Just hoping I'm not alone as I do this.

One day I'll be okay.
-grits teeth-

Miles Away

I don't know if you'll read this.
But know that I'm praying for you every single day, for God to heal what I can't. There's nothing I want more.
I'm always a call away if you need to reach me.
Keann
): #hopeiseeyousoon

You are Good

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her."
- The flip-side of this is that if a man seeks God wholeheartedly, for God, he will find a woman that will always - point him there. Because maybe this whole thing was never about finding your significant other, but finding God.

#Letskeepitthatway
#FindingGod
#alotlefttolearn


Thought 2:
It then falls to me, if my pursuit is truly wholeheartedly for God, if I intend to enter a relationship - then it falls to me to pick the very best person I can find to lead me closer to Jesus. Not just who I want for other - if emotionally powerful - reasons.

Then I realise that we have been commanded to be fruitful and multiply, so maybe unless God specifically sets us apart to be single and do His work or something, we should intend to enter godly relationships? (When we are ready.) Hm. (This doesn't change anything about the first two points though. Just an interesting addendum.)

Fires

I guess whenever God chucks a fire on us, we can choose to run out.

But nah. And not because fire is fun. Lol. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?”

They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.”

“Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.”

Then Nebuchadnezzar went near the mouth of the burning fiery furnace and spoke, saying, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here.” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego came from the midst of the fire. And the satraps, administrators, governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together, and they saw these men on whose bodies the fire had no power; the hair of their head was not singed nor were their garments affected, and the smell of fire was not on them.

- Daniel 3:24-27

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not done here.

I guess You remind me every day that I still have to choose You, and that we're not done here yet.

Its been a week of victories, I think. Sometimes I don't think I know too sure victories for what, but I guess victories for my faith in You. But we're not done here. In ways I wish we were.

I...the past two days have been a bit of a blur. After learning everything I've learnt since Tuesday-Wednesday, the past couple of days have been about putting it into practice, testing that. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm 21. 

Feels like I've grown 3 or 4 years in a week. And yet, still only 21.

I was so happy yesterday, from early afternoon on. I don't even understand why. And feelings aren't the most important things I guess maybe? But it was nice to be. Was laughing and smiling at everyone and singing and singing and singing and I wasn't sure why, I just was pretty sure I wasn't faking it. Started thinking and praying about futures, and hitting up old good friends on Facebook. Messing around. Went out with some of the older cell gang after cell for prata and sitting about frozen yoghurt places till like 2am, and we talked and talked and talked, and at some point I actually felt like I could dance again, though I'm still not sure.

Maybe the peace is God's grace. Idk.

Then I wake up in the morning and I'm a little bit exhausted all over again. I actually don't want to be. Haha.

In ways I just want all of this to be over. Moving on to the next step. I do. Because You truly are more than enough. And I'd like to dance and sing and move ahead and praise You. Then I think about what You reminded me about yesterday, which stopped me in my tracks even as I was bouncing around cell. In fact, I spent the rest of the night being a little bit confused and annoyed at that, like, "Why-?"

Then I realised just before I went to bed just Whose commands I was doubting, and getting annoyed at, and it terrified me that I was treating it like that.

Keann you have no business reacting like that to a command that your High King gives you. You still have a choice yes, but remember with what attitude you should come. He is Your Father but also Your King. 

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And I want wisdom. I'm damn well going to treat a command, even a suggestion, with the respect and reverence it deserves.

Rr.

I wonder what I'm going to do today. I have a few important things to do, but I think I might wanna get outside and walk around for a bit first. I really hope to see everyone around today, I wish service wasn't quite so speedy sometimes.

Guide me Lord please. You are the hope of my salvation and it is to You I want to cling. I guess you're still refining me to make that choice every day, showing me that I need to. Whatever You are burning into me Lord, let it be a lasting work. A lasting work - that my eyes will turn to You. Rah.

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. - Psalm 121:2

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. - Psalm 143:8

Eyes on You.

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. - Job 23:10

Not my own understanding Lord, but Yours, I guess?

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Side-note: And the words of the LORD are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times. - Psalm 12:6

^ Just realised this is talking about Jesus!! Jesus is the word of God, and it was made perfect because it was proven, because He had to make his own choice to give up everything to save us! And the furnace of clay is when He was human...I wonder what the seven times of purification is.

Rah.