Realisation

This evening I realized why I desire to be in control of my own life so much.

Because so often in my life, people who have been in control of me and are supposed to use that to love me, have so often used that to hurt me. 

And I'm so so tired of it all. That's why I prefer to be in charge. Because when I am, I can use that to not hurt the people around me that I'm in charge of. I can use it for good. And I'm so proud of that because I often have.

But also because when I hold the cards, I can't be hurt.

All my life syncs up like that. In church, I've always have issues with the idea of giving my whole life over to accountability because I don't inherently believe that someone wouldn't abuse that, even if their intentions were as well as they could possibly be. I have no control of that. And in WoW, I so often gravitate to tank in dungeons because I set the pace, I set the tone, and I can stop people being mean to each other. The moment I go DPS I feel completely at mercy of everything and everyone, and can't do very much about saving a bad run. At least as a healer I can save things to a certain extent. But if I'm the tank, nobody else has to be a shitty-ass one.

I have bad days too. And I've seen me have selfish moments. I'm not WoW-Jesus. I've left groups under the cover of internet anonymity before after I've gotten what I wanted (I'd say rarely, but it doesn't help much in my moral defense.) But...it's on me. I'm in charge.

A few weeks ago, my dad pulled my uni support. So very often in life have my parents pulled the internet, and only recently because I have the power to stream it on my own phone have I gained the control to beat that. Just earlier today, my mom refused to dole out the Xbox controllers - which I never ask for, I play like a few times a year - for my best friend and I because my brother is having Os.

I'm 22. And I told my mate not to come.

This is the thing. If I'm in charge. No one can hurt me except me.

I used to think "Wow, thank God I understand God is not like my earthly parents. That He'll never leave me or forsake me and He's always going to do the best for me - and because He has perfect wisdom I can count on that His best really is going to be the best. He really does know best and it isn't flawed."

But...I guess I can see where so many times in my life, despite me saying that, I can't inherently trust that He really has the best and so I take control. Because I'm so afraid of getting hurt or shortchanged.

Yeah. Keann-is-such-a-cool-dude-isn't-afraid-of-anything is afraid, is so so afraid. Up one to the psych dept.

I'm sorry Lord. I really love You, but I'm sorry that I'm so so flawed and because of that I can't love You properly. And the mad, mad thing is that You love me anyway. I'm so sorry for constantly hurting you without recourse.

I'm so, so sorry.

But thank you (: 

/Hug