Popping In

For the first post of the new year:

Just back from Zouk and I think clubbing is really retarded. Thanks. Its a travesty to all dance. Bobbing around in a massive pressing crowd trying to look cool with a fake smile plastered across your face for four hours hooting randomly with the crowd at predictable song intervals.

Jeez. Seriously. BOBBING FROM ONE FOOT TO ANOTHER (x13412341235 people) WITH NO SPACE FOR ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT GRINDING IS NOT DANCING. YOU'RE RUINING PERFECTLY GOOD HIP-HOP SONGS.


I literally. Had no space. To do anything. Which completely blows.

Now we know why you absolutely have to drink to get high and have fun in a place like that. Its absolutely maddening otherwise.


Which is too bad because some of the girls are really really hot. And I'd love to go over and make friends and try to dance with them (I mean really dance), but every single guy (in a ratio of 15:1) in the place making a beeline to and around those (and any) girls in the place to get some action really just makes the whole thing very sad.

And predatory.

And the whole time bobbing around trying to squeeze past each other to get to said girls.


I love a good dance floor as much and probably more than most people but jeez that isn't no dance floor, that's an idiocy-fest.

I'm sure its really fun for most of you, I'll take your word for it, but...sigh.


I'll spend my friday nights at the Esplanade Underground really dancing, from now on, if I want to.


And the next person in earshot that goes "Omg omg I really can't wait we're going clubbing tonight we're going to DANCE", I am going to body tackle in a scream of rage, God help me.


Okay maybe it just sucked because there literally was no space to find my own dance floor to carve out OR like-minded friends to dance/battle/coordinate it out with.

In that sense ZoukOut would probably be much better.


I did find my own spot at some point, had to break away and go to the back solo away from my friends who were having fun, but it gets tiring after awhile really going nuts really dancing without friends (e.g. Adin) to cheer you on/krunk it out with you.


Such a perfectly good waste of good music.


And no it wasn't my first time. I just gave the other times the benefit of the doubt.


Also, I don't like alcohol.


Did you know that it really got so sian that for long protracted periods of time I was PRAYING on the dancefloor because talking to God was just so much better than all the sadness going on around me. Which I suppose is a good thing :/


Ah well. Guess I deserved it, for not honouring my parents about going. Haha God *sheepish*


Losing myself in worship and talking to God is so much more awesome than anything on the dance floor+alcohol can do. I'll be a fool for God, not for alcohol and Katy Perry.

Haha well learnt my lesson, God (:


(I have the credibility to talk about this because I DO dance better than a majority of the people on the club floor. And only because all the real dancers came to this conclusion early before I did :/)

So much more to say but I'll leave at here for now I think.

Goodnight/morning, off to school to sleep/meet Genny. PR! [:

Just one more letter

To Pris:


I love you.


That is all :D


What else really needs to be said, is there. You and I both know how much you mean to me, and the stuff we connect about. Thank you, thank you for always being there you inexplicable school junior but in so many other ways my senior, and thank you for being this person that I can call and know without a doubt that you're not going to misconstrue the intent of my calls. That we can be blunt, loving, but blunt, and be wise or be stupid when one of us just simply has to be because we can't be intelligent spiritually mature leaders all the time (okay this applies so much more for you than it does for me right now :D).

You always make me smile, whether you're reacting in exasperation in our antics or being serious or pulling that cocky "yes I know" thing you sometimes do for fun, and don't even let me get started on dance.

Dance(:

In so many ways Pris, you've become a spiritual mentor for me. In a weird two way kinda thing cause I give you advice too when somehow I have moments. And because you serve so much in so many areas, you really are leading me on this path that I hope I will get to someday. I see how you deal with challenges and time and tears and I learn, I am encouraged, and you inspire me.

And relationship wise...Haha yeah. We know, don't we :rolls eyes:

Every day I just hope that I am doing at least half for you what you do for me in my life, that I cheer you up, am there, make you smile, bail you out when you need bailing (ideally this should never happen but hey). I fervently hope that I am and have been a worthy friend. This is small, but its what I have to give to you now:


-hug-

And also a blessing I pray over your teddy and your bed and your covers as you fall asleep tonight :D

Much love,
Keann(:


-----------------------


GET WELL NOW FRIEND

And here's another note.

FIRST.

This isn't mine. Its by a girl, Sherylene, she's two years younger than me, but I discovered that she posted this really awesome long note not two hours after I posted mine.

And its freaky how we talk about the exact same thing.

Its so cool to see her perspective on it! Its different, but the same, and so beautiful anyway. Also, hers seems more intelligent. :o


Enjoy(:

------------------------------------

Dear You:

I'd just like to say that I'm yearning for you. Oh, and that this sudden surge of emotions just cannot be properly justified with mere words.

To give, oh, to be able to give without a care in the world; to be given the opportunity to love with abandon, to be able to throw caution to the wind, to flip my hair over my shoulder -perhaps remove that stray hair caught in my berry cherry lippy- and saunter towards you, wrap my arms around you, to make up for a lifetime of longing, a lifetime of wasted moments that passed by without you.

I want to be able to wake up, blink at the crimson rays of light bleeding through the curtains, to find you smiling down at me. To feel your tender kiss on my forehead just after we fall asleep after a night of loving. To feel your warmth envelope me when the world is too cold to bear.

I want to waltz with you, in pajamas, in my bedroom, when no one is looking, to Arielle Dombasle. I want to skip with you, in denim overalls, clutching a tattered teddy; not giving a damn as to whether anyone is staring. I want to play at cops and robbers after dropping by 7-11 to pick up a couple of Red Bulls, candy and a toy gun or two. I want to run around your room, screaming, with you chasing me around with a pillow, and when I'm tired of that, for you to catch me in your arms as I fall.

I want to share an umbrella with you when it's pouring, sharing a green tea latte from Starbucks, waiting for the storm to subside so that we can return to our original positions without getting soaked. Same goes for the harsh stabs of reality. I want to be able to be with you whenever things get hard, and especially when things couldn't be more perfect. I want to share my life with you, knowing that you're wanting everything I want with you too.

I want you to teach me how to ice skate, and laugh at me when I fall, but to pick me up later and tell me that I did great, and that you think I look cute when I'm screaming and complaining about my little scratch that I call a severe wound that needs to be rushed to the A & E.

I want to kiss you, I want to love you, and I want to miss you every single minute that you're not with me. Yet I want to be able to be away from you for days and not have to worry, for you'll always be there, always be waiting, always be loving.

I want to feel your butterfly kisses just below my eyes; I want to feel you close to me.

Whoever you are, just know that I'll constantly be enthralled by your presence; by your foolish antics.

I love that your sole purpose is our happiness, and I love you.

Til our acquaintance, amor,
I wish you love.


----------------------


(: (: (: (: (: (:


Sweeeeet. We should all do stuff like this. I really enjoyed reading that(:

NOOOOOOOOO

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.


I was just about to post that really really really good note below up! ):


Bloody freaking coconutmonkeys hell.


Its a conspiracy. Someone obviously doesn't want me to bless the world with love. It looked really great too in Facebook's simple font and formatting and colour scheme :/


Arrrrgh. Aadsfasdfsd. Bleagh.

Letters

And to you:

Hello. I don't think I've even met you yet, maybe I have, I don't know, but chances are that if I am meant to be together with someone for the rest of this life, you're alive and well right now and running about the same world I'm in, we just haven't met yet.


Logically speaking.


Haha well. Yeah. What is there to say. I miss you.I miss you already, even though I haven't met you (at least I think I haven't, and if I have could you please tell me so my life can be spared all the complications of its current state).


I miss you. I miss connecting with you, I miss laughing with and at you, smiling outside and inside at your smile, your sparkling eyes, your dimples, your wavy hair, drinking every aspect of your physicality in with wonder and awe at how I ever found you and how I could possibly ever let you go.

I miss the sound of your laugh that tinkles and echoes through my memories, I miss smelling your hair after an impetuous run through a January spring shower, after an hour-long warm bath, before Sunday breakfast and every moment of my existence in relation to you.

I miss us cooking golden pancakes in the resplendent mornings, I miss us laughing at a picnic on the green fields amidst the water sprinklers, I miss us hiking to the top of mountains to share a moment, I miss us cozying up in a comforter in a big armchair in a warm library by the fireplace with hot chocolate to share a book.

I miss us night after night after night up on the roof in the field on the street curbs in the balcony lying on our backs staring at the stars trading secrets, every secret, secrets that we can and have never been able to tell our closest friends, guys or girls, for the best of reasons.

But we can share those secrets, because there is nothing to hide and we are everything there is.


I miss you.


I pray I meet you soon. Because life isn't going so good right now, I mean its okay, but increasingly I find myself alone, despite all the wonderful friends I have around me that I love and treasure so dearly.

Because they can't be there for me all the time, and I can't for them, and I wouldn't ask them too, not to spend all their available time on me, because they are friends, and part of being a friend is letting them have other friends, other lives, chilling out, self-sacrifice.

But you, you're different. You want to hang out with me. You desperately want to be with me as much as I desperately want to be with you, calling me when you're done with classes, showing up at my door to surprise me with waffles, planning a huge birthday surprise for me behind my back, treasuring me and thinking of me when I have to go on holiday and we can't keep up our midnight calls.

Just as I am doing the same for you, not out of repayment, and not because I expect something out of you just because I do these things for you.

Simply because I love you, and making you happy, surprising you and entertaining you makes me happy. Spending time with you makes me happy, because you alight my soul. And I do these things one-way, free gestures, with no intent for reciprocation(:

Freely giving with abandon and smiles and love just because making your life better is right to do, and I stop thinking right there(:


And it is so cool because you do exactly the same, not out of obligation, but simply because it is easy and natural to love me out of everyone else, because you see something in me that even I don't understand, but you constantly reassure me that its there anyway.


And the weird but cool thing is that that's exactly the same way I feel about you.


We are lucky people aren't we, finding each other like that, hearts and souls and minds finding a timeless companion in one another in a crazy hurting tumultuous world. I can't get enough of you.


When the whole world turns on its head in chaos, when parents, people, best friends, brothers let us down and we rage and cry and sob ourselves to sleep, its not so bad, because your arms are open and I know I can come running to you without feeling awkward or weird or imposing.

Because your love is one freely given and unconditional, we've talked about it, like every other thing we've talked about, even the really hard stuff involving each other that friends don't talk about, to each other, and we know without a doubt that even when we fight or fall or cry, I trust you and you trust me.

I trust you about everything, and even though you can't tell me how many stars there are in the skies tonight, you're my next best bet after God and my money's on you.

I've never met anyone like you, you blow my mind, you can argue with me intelligently about the best of issues holding your own, you refuse to compromise on being you, you shock me, annoy me, make me tear my hair out in exasperation sometimes.

But at the same time you melt my heart. Just looking at you takes my breath, my soul away, I could lose myself in your eyes forever, in those sparkling windows into your beautiful soul. Your hands, your fingers that hold me, your ears that I whisper in, your toes that dance across the sand together with mine, and your hair-

Lets not even get started on the hair.

And everytime you throw a tantrum or are silly or just plan to drive me nuts I don't know whether to hug you or to hit you.

So I kiss you.

This happens quite often.


And even while you can be so silly and crazy and my partner in crime so many times, when we need to be serious, when I need to be brought back in line, when I'm hurting and need not just a hug and hot chocolate but advice, you snap back and you wow me with your insights and your compassion and your love and everything else in your beautiful mind. We dance, we sing, we cry, we take over the world and everything else we set our minds to because nothing can stand in the way of our love. Not even the kids.


I love you.



I hope I meet you soon.

Letters

To Adin:

Hello friend who I first met as one of the freshmen under me at FMS camp,

You're awesome. Haha. I actually knew about you before FMS camp, I noticed you and Byran at FOC dancing crazily together being megahigh and thinking "why aren't these dudes in my tribe man". Yeah. And when it came down to FOC, you were under me, and I knew the group was going to rock even before I did anything, even before throwing Bev and Enna and everyone else into the picture. Haha. And so I tried to get you to do your thing which I already knew you were going to do..

And you didn't let me down. Not at all. We went from strength to strength to major awesomeness as a group not least because of your presence, and never once did I doubt, not even at the starting, that you would come through.


And the same thing happened for Red Camp.

You were thrown into a group on your own, away from Keenan, Gerald, I and the rest, but I never much worried for you. Heck, you and Bev, I knew you guys would make your mark on your own, make new friends, be a leading force, the way I did last year.

And did you and Bev give Apaches a heck of a battle lol, and the whole time I was really proud of you guys. Haha. And I'm really proud of you guys everytime you guys are one of the leading forces behind doing something crazy, something retarded, something high, and it feels good, in a weird way, on some level the legacy I'm leaving behind, even though its not really. Its the way I see it. Heh.


But its not just that man. Adin, since that time since knowing you as a junior, you've gone from that into one of my closest friends, I never see you as a junior anymore (it doesn't work like that with me and my closest friends haha), but instead you're one of the go-to people that I turn to whenever I need emotional support, or someone to hang out with, or someone to hatch a crazy high idea with. You, Keenan, Josh, Yisin. I don't have many close guy friends, and I appreciate the existence of you so much in my life. As awesome as girls are, there are just some things that we just can't tell them like the stuff we discussed earlier today. HAHA.


Yeah well. Lol. As a Christian, as a person, as a brother, as a crazy fun conspirator, you're a pillar in my life, and I want to thank you man. Lol.



Especially for earlier today.

Thank you so much. I was obviously looking for someone to hang out with, a guy I could trust, to talk about girl stuff with, and I was obviously fishing about for some of your time without trying to be gay or softy or weird about it and so I appreciate it loads that you held off your going home so I could talk. Haha.

Thank you, for allowing me to share just a little bit of all the love drama and girl problems and history that I've had in my life, I have years and years of stories to tell and tonight you let me open up about some of the memories that mean the most to me in my life, some of the pain, some of the hurt, some of the secret thoughts and longings and feelings that I never show to everyone else and sometimes not even myself because I refuse to be mushy or caught up in infatuation or whatever. I can and will feel bad about talking too much and going on and on and making someone else just shut up and listen, but thank you.

Especially since some of this stuff you just can't tell your close girl friends. At all. Haha. And Keenan's like busy and stuff and I'm sure he's had enough of my girl musings by now, and he doesn't even know some of the stuff you know now, due to time or space limitations, and so again, I thank you.

Haha. You rock man. Love and appreciate you so much as a brother, a friend, a comrade, and a conspirator. See you tomorrow maybe, and definitely Friday at Danzation. Lololol. Later.



Keann.

Commitment

Talking to Bev makes me realise one thing I really have to do this semester and the rest of my poly life.

I cannot ever slack off at any point EVER in any project or class or meeting or lecture EVER. I have to be THE model student.


Cause I can't afford one more, anymore screwups. I'm still paying for enough mistakes I made in my first year already, I don't got no leeway. People still don't trust me, don't know how to deal with me, don't hugely want to be around me. Which really isn't how it should be around a Christian. It sucks, but its life.


Sigh. This is all for You, God. I'm trying. I desperately don't want to be a blemish to your Name ):

I wish I could be like Pris, like Cheryl, Melody, Melodie, Alene, Genny, Tab, Sam, people who are seen as well liked and capable and responsible and that's how it should be for Christians.

I mean, if you walk the talk, you shouldn't be having problems, right?

But I haven't, not last year, and definitely not on a number of occasions last sem, and I am trying, but I have a lot of negative ground to cover before I even hit neutral.


Sigh. Thin lines. But yeah, gosh ):

Right, I really must sleep now. Goodnight :/

One For The Ages

I have long forgotten what my last wish-list was like, but here's the one for 2008:


Clothes I want to buy:

- Big shirts. Yes please. I so need more clothes. Chances are if you buy me one, no matter what design it is, I'll probably wear it. As long as its big. Green, blue, yellow, white, fun colours. Need moar clothes D=
- Caps. Any kind. Lots of em. Caps, beanies, commie hats, the works. Caps are fun ):
- Sneakers. I need to have more than just one pair of white ones! Seriously! I need vaaarietyyy. And sports shoes too. I need shoes, period.
- Jackets! I have a sports jacket and a windbreaker, all I need now are hoodies. But more!! I want jackets I can swim in! :D <3

I already have the gloves so I'm cool on that end (:


And I like my current selection of bags..



Things I want to do:

- Dance. I so want to dance. My popping needs to get so much better. My body wave is all messed up. Neck isolations, any isolations, I neeeddd to work at it. Right now I seem to be just stealing stuff passively from NRA members surreptitiously. :/ I need to learn to choreo! And turn my random spontaneously stuff into cool learn-able stuff! Need to be better in the air, too. Aerial stuff :/

- Mixing. Half the work in dance is knowing what songs to pick where for what and when to cut and how to mash up with other songs..The thing is, I hardly know most hip-hop and R&B fare. Not that I want to especially, most of it is somewhat messed up, but the stuff I like, I really like. And there's so much you can do with music! Hopefully my ProTools crash course in Radio 2 will really help me there, and my stint at live sound management in AV Min, but I right now have nowhere near the feel for beat and stuff that Josh has. It'd be nice though, to do half the stuff I dream about, for the times I randomly think "This song would be really good coming in here, and I could chop this up to-", to actually be able to implement it. Yeah. To be in control (:

- Guitar. Serious. Yes. I so want to/ need to pick it up. I'm trying half-heartedly to get my guitar back from Cheryl right now, cause I can see how much good it could do. I could contribute to cell worship. And carry around with me the power to inspire and motivate worship at any given point in time with Christian friends, in lets say school, in a way that sudden random acapella kinda fails at. Spontaneous worship (: Plus, that time I randomly picked up my sister's guitar, and found the D chord, and suddenly spontaneously composing a simple melody from just the first three strings having never played the guitar before scares and amazes me at the same time in a way that piano could never do for me. I mean, maybe I have this hidden unlockable natural talent that God is just waiting to unlock in me the moment I try working hard at it. I don't know. I want to create (: So yeah!

- Piano. Ya huh. I'll never admit it to my family/especially my mom ever, but I long to play the piano again. To learn how, anyway. Not many people know this about me, but I picked up piano till grade 5 in P6 or something, but it wasn't fun for me then. More like torturous and pain/conflict-filled. Too much nagging from mom. Too many arguments, too much crying and screaming and yelling from both parents about it really just sickened and turned me away from it. And now my sis is going towards her Grade 8 or something, and I'm moping about wishing I could just spontaneously go to the piano like some of my friends do or what the keyboardist during worship does, play and play and play and manipulate and follow your heart and make beauty out of thin air,to go into Yamaha shops and lose myself in the keys. Except that I have no idea what to do with the piano right now. I can read and follow, awkwardly due to lack of practice, but what I want to do are chords. Contemporary. I have no idea how that is going to work out, but I do wish. Haha. Bleagh. Of course, I'm never ever going to touch the piano at home when any of my family is home until I'm really good at it, its the whole ego/pride thing.. :/
But man. Someday. Haha. <3

- Drums. Dum dee dum dee dum. I don't know. I can't seem to figure out if its God calling me or my usually impulsive heart again, or a little bit of both, but I've found myself drawn to drums lately. Even though I know absolutely nothing about it at all. Maybe its since I started paying attention to beats in dance, or the whole AV min and staring at the drums next to me thing, or whatever, but rawr. It would be so cool. Again, the spontaneous creating thing. And messing around with rhythm and coordination. And just generally being kickass and awesome. I can totally see myself coming home to my own sound-proofed apartment in the future after a long day at work/uni, sitting down, and losing myself in a cacophony for at least two hours. So cooooooool. (: Two things are for certain though. Sitting next to the drums on the soundboard in church is definitely going to help that dream, and my parents never allowing it ever. Ever. Specially not my over-sensitive mom and my extremist-banhammering father. Nope. Cost, size, and noise. Haha. Meh :/ So its more like a dream somewhere behind guitar and piano? Realistically. When I have my own job and my own place or something. Meh. Haha. It'd be so cool to mess around with, though! :DDDD DRUMS! (:



Its especially funny because when I was younger I never ever saw myself as ever being musically inclined. Or dance inclined. But yeah. Man. So cool (:

I just wish all of these dreams happened when I was younger and could feasibly do more about them then, and also that I had a more understanding family ):


I'd be lucky if I managed to pick up just dance man. Most people spend most of their lives just TRYING to master one of those things up there, but I want all five of em? Haha. Geez.




Habits I want to pick up:

- Waking up, early mornings! This one at least, maybe is somewhat achievable. I LOVE mornings, they're so beautiful, and there's so much that can be done other than sleeping through them, or gaming -.- I mean, I will never understand, I am heavily guilty of this as well, why we (and I) are so insistent on staying out so late and waking up at 12 the next day all grumpy and sticky and probably late for school. Hay guys, lets stay out and chill and party and game and do all sorts of weird stuff when WE CAN'T SEE ANYTHING AROUND US IN PITCH-BLACK DARKNESS that would be so beautiful in the morning! And lets totally wake up next day at the hottest time of the day with a headache and sweaty bed. Missing the sunrise, the lazy clouds and morning mist, and general coolness and singing and colours as the world wakes up in cheerfulness. Yeah. And then we go look for nature on Youtube. Sheesh. Sigh. My problem is that now that I've started waking up earlier, which is amazing and good thank you God, is doing productive things doing that time. To resist the temptation to turn on the com and get lost in..Maple, lets say): There's so much I can take advantage of the morning hours for. Like sporty stuff! Which brings me to my next point..



- Running. YES. I NEED TO RUN. I HATE RUNNING, BUT I LOVE RUNNING, AND I CAN SEE HOW IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN NOW/SOON.

Bleagh ): When I was younger, I was never interested in running. I could never see the point. What am I running after? Oh you know, the clock. What does the clock do? It ticks, and it counts you down, and laughs at you and depresses you and all you can do in futility is try and beat it again, which you will never ever do, but try and try again for a high score, just like Snake. Which is maddeningly fail. It leads you nowhere. I'd rather kick a ball. That's cool. And it doesn't hurt quite so much, and its exciting, unlike running which just is boring and torturous and kills you.

That hasn't changed much. I still much prefer to chase after a ball and other people than try again and again to beat myself. BUT I have started to see the sense in running. I need moar stamina. I am horribly unfit. There's no point me speeding after a ball on a pitch or on a court for the first 5 minutes of a game with everything I have and being the best player on both teams if I tire after the first 10 and can't move anymore after 20. Which is what happened the last time I played basketball. Which is maddeningly infuriating. See, I don't understand the concept of holding back. Of preserving energy for later. Its hard-wired into my DNA that it just isn't possible for me. I MUST charge for the ball like the world is ending, or I'll never know when to. I know its not a concept that most people have trouble with, but hey :/

And so the conclusion to that is that I MUST run, so that my Max-Speed Mode is more sustainable. I hate my body not being able to keep up with what my brain is inspired to do at any given point in time..


Gosh, this entry was supposed to be just 15 minutes long. Blah ):


- ANYWAY, SWIMMING. What can I say, I love to swim. I love being in water period. Its so cool, so refreshing, you can burn yourself out in the water after 50 laps but not be sweaty or whatever, and its the closest thing to flying we'll ever really get. Huh :/

But yeah, its so, free :D

What I don't like about swimming, there is this illogical conclusion in my brain that swimming is a lot of trouble. Like bathing. I love bathing, but for some reason I keep thinking its a lot of trouble when in reality it just takes 15 minutes, I enjoy it the whole way, and what usually happens is that I waste 30 minutes or longer on the com or other things hot sweaty and grumpy when the actual bath would have just taken 15 minutes, and have been so awesome all the way. And swimming's like that too. It seems to be way too much trouble to grab a towel and drag my butt downstairs to the Sports Complex 5 minutes from my place (see how lucky I am) to swim. Sigh. I need to get past that mental block like asap, hopefully I can sustain that swimming on Wednesdays in between classes for like forever. And see where we go from there. Swimming <3


- WORSHIP. This ties in with the guitar and piano. Yup. Yup. I so need to get into and KEEP the habit of worship worship worship. And creating atmospheres to do so. Headphones and static songs are somewhat fail, somehow. I mean, its good, but no flexibility. I often wonder how it would be like if I could make my own music to God (: So yeah, self-explanatory. (:



- You know what, when all is said and done, I'd love to cook too. Ahhh. I really enjoy myself when I'm cooking what limited stuff I can cook, which is not a lot, but its fun. Throwing things in and experimenting. Except my mom doesn't trust me with the stove at all. And nobody has ever taught me to cook anything. My sister now knows how to do spaghetti and cabonara, and she does it frequently. Sigh. My father cooks a mean corned beef fried rice, and my mom well..generally cooks what moms generally know how to cook. Not that either of them would teach me anything.. ):

Ahhh. Father is teaching my brother cooking as I type this.. I am jealous. Not vaguely. Muchly. Bleagh. ):

Ah well. Dreams. Haha.



Two more things I'd like to do, and do well:

- Lights/AV ministry at church. Yup. This hopefully, should materialise soon. I mean, I'm not hugely passionate about audio, that's Keenan's place, but I guess after last Wednesday (this week), I'm getting the hang of it, and it does really help with radio and all that stuff I mentioned earlier with the music stuff. So yeah I guess. But what I think really has me secretly very excited are the lights. Pretty lights. Shiny. Moving colourful shiny lights. Oooooh. Smoke machines and laser beams. Mmmm. Its like playing with 30 gigantic multiple rotating lightsabers! Gee (:

I think its kinda clear I am really looking forward to when I can learn it :DDDD

Heh (:

See how lor. But I like playing with beauty. Hee (:

- And the second thing. Be proficient in God's word. This one, is somewhat much hugely harder. Haha. But I've got a couple, okay 4 verses down pat now, and about 16 more on my wall, and I really need to commit to learning them by rote and by heart. Haha. The 4 that I memorized this week have really already been a huge help to me throughout the course of this week, so its not like memorizing verses is redundant! There is so much power and wisdom and blessing in them at your fingertips if you do! Yeah. And its something I kinda have to do seeing what my calling is. Haha. Bleh. Its probably going to be a lifelong journey of attempting, but I guess I'm happy to do so. Haha. Steady and slowly as she goes. :D Mmmhmm.


- I just thought of a third:


Love and pray and hang out and love all my friends that I love to the death so much. I'm pretty blessed friends-wise, actually. I just need to remember to call on them in times of trouble, which I honestly don't do hugely often cause I don't want to burden people which of course is retarded because I would gladly listen and comfort my friends in their times of trouble and I know its likewise ( thankyou [: ). But yeah (:


And I love you, and want to hang out with you more. Hugely more! Call me whenever, you know I'm good for it! :D

Yay. Haha.


Gosh, that last section sounded so PR man. Haha. Gosh :/ Blaaaaahhhhh. ._.



See, I've sidetracked again. Haha. Okay, putting a summary here for my own benefit:

1. Clothes I want to have
- Big shirts - Caps - Shoes - Jackets
2. Things I want to do
- Dance - Mixing - Guitar - Piano - Drums!!
3. Habits I want to pick up
- Mornings - Running - Swimming - Worship - Cook :o
4. Two cool other things
- Lights ministry - Word of God (:
5. Frienndss :D
6. Other things I want to buy!

Oh section 6? Here it is. I just thought of it :D


Other things I want to buy:

- Books. When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna have my own library. No really. I do. Like, fantasy-based. All these series I want to fill my old dusty shelves from wall to wall with. Then God/Christian-based books. And comics, and other novels, and old classics :D

- Speakers! YES, SPEAKERS. A SURROUND SOUND SETUP IN MY ROOM, IF POSSIBLE. :/

- A gaming PC. Baaagh. Hooked up to an Xbox 360 and a PS3 and a Wii sharing the monitor. And big screen skyping capabilities. K going back to being serious now..

- Headphones. K this is more serious. And would be very nice to have speakers that don't spoil on me for once. Throw the iPod in the mix for good measure, the mp3 player I'm using now is decent, but jeez, an iPod :/

- And then after everything, I'd like a dog again. Yeah. I miss Alison. Tons. I miss the nuzzling, the crazy walks, the huge guilt-inducing eyes, running my hands through her fur, and all of it. Gah. ):

I'm dreaming of a Border Collie, that majestic black noble thing that I've dreamt of having since being a kid and reading Animal Ark and Jess the Border Collie. I saw one two days ago in my block and all the memories and longings came flooding back...


Ahhh ):

Plus, its not quite so mainstream and inane as all the Golden Retrievers and Labradors and Chihuahuas running around. Haha. Nothing against them, they're awesome, but hey, Border Collies <3


(:



So the new summary wishlist would be this:


1. Clothes I want to have
- Big shirts - Caps - Shoes - Jackets
2. Things I want to do
- Dance - Mixing - Guitar - Piano - Drums!!
3. Habits I want to pick up
- Mornings - Running - Swimming - Worship - Cook :o
4. Two cool other things
- Lights ministry - Word of God (:
5. Frienndss :D
6. Other things I want to buy!
- Books - Speakers - Gaming PC - Headphones - my dog again :o


RIGHT. OKAY. THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT TONIGHT. GOODNIGHT AND LATER (:


AND YES A HAIRCUT WOULD BE VERY NICE BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT RIGHT NOW GAH I LOOK LIKE A MOP WITH IDENTITY ISSUES ._>/


._>/


._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ ._>/ .






._>/



\._./



/sleep(:

OHMYGOD

YAYYYYY (:


AH. I AM HAPPY :D



Its super cool. Man. Haha. And I didn't have a hand in it at all, and there was no real conclusion to it, but I know that even though I can't remember what I really said, and I don't know the effect I had, I believe in faith that whatever I said was exactly what God intended me to say, and He put the words in my mouth, and the words I have said have gone into my father's head and even if he wasn't really listening, they're in his brain somewhere now and God will do something with that. That He can and will soften my parents hearts through that. Somehowww.


I had a discussion with my father today about the Charismatic Movement.


Me for, him against. Yeah. And honestly, I can't remember what we talked about. All I know is, I managed to hold my own against everything he threw at me. Like, I was prepared for it. With all that I have learnt so far from Coos, from talking with Pastor Josh, from attending the family church anti-charismatic talks, and even the stuff that I was pondering/studying today about the Bible in the earlier post, it all came into play. And I am grateful. Grateful that I'm believing in something not because someone else told me to believe it. Grateful that I took a step out in faith, to learn what really was the truth, that I went to both sides, that I gathered data and argument from both sides, and discussed with people, and that I looked at all that and truly understood WHY what I believe in is right.


Now I just need to organize it. Haha. I mean, if you asked me right now, I wouldn't have a set solid argument to give you because there's a lot of it swirling around in my head right now and its messy, and I wouldn't know where to start you off with. But its a start. And I believe in faith that when God intends for me to get it right, to understand the relation between all the concepts, to have them all at my fingertips, He will. In his perfect timing. In his perfect nudging. And all I have to do is not worry about how smoothly I can deliver it, and let Him take over, and to focus on the more important things in the faith than argue to kingdom come over the right and wrongs of the Doctrines of different churches.

See, that's not the focus of being a Christian. Never was, and never will be. Our responsibility as Christians is to love God, and then to love our neighbours. To glorify Him with our lives, to worship Him, to grow in Him, and to bring others to Christ. And I believe that if we have those right, and those down, and obey Him, and pray for the things that burden us, everything else will fall into place :D

And less finger pointing ._.

I mean, its not something that we can control. I could not control me falling away and backsliding. I could not control God waking me up and bringing me to Coos. I could not control God telling me to go attend family church again. I could not control family church happening to have a series of talks on anti-charismatism just exactly on the weeks that I've been back. I could not control meeting Pastor Josh last week to share. I could not control SAJC promos happening which led me to really enter into a habit of praying and praying and praying actively for people I really really care about and love, and that habit recently helping me unconsciously pray for my family a lot more, when it was something I just wouldn't think too much about. I could not control my sister asking me today where I planned to go after Mass Comm, which led me to saying bible college. I could not control my sister continuing to ask me about why I wanted to go to bible college, which led to me talk about God's call for me there. I could not control the turn of conversation towards my church, and my sister asking why it was wrong, why the charismatic movement was wrong, at the dinner table in Tiong Bahru Plaza.


I could not control my mother asking my father to explain it to her, which of course led to me speaking up, which led to a very civil (Thank God) but somewhat epic discussion between my father and me about the whole thing for at least an hour, which lasted beyond the dinner table and up the escalator and on the way home in the train.


I could not control somehow the end of that conversation turning to me telling my father that I hoped he saw recently that I have been trying, so hard, to obey and honour my parents, especially in the area of staying out late and stayovers, where I no longer went if my parents said no and only because I love God and am trying to obey God.



I wasn't in control then, and I am not in control now. I can't soften hearts. God can. I can show a person a wooden chair, and prove with all forms of mathematical and physics and chemistry formulae to show that if he sits down, the chair won't break. I can give him all the data in the world, I can show him pictures and videos of people who have sat in chairs, but he won't know that the chair won't break until he sits on it.

And I can't make him sit on the chair. Only God can.


But I can pray. And the cool thing is, because I have been praying, and people have been praying, I can see progress. And I don't know how further progress will be made, but I know that God will bring it.


And I know God will heal this family, and grow us in Christ. At least, I hope so. Hell, it could possibly be a catalyst for the whole of Fishermen being shaken up and learning all God has to offer, my parents being Sunday School Teachers and all. I was skeptical when Sharyl told me she firmly believed that God can do the same work in my family that He did for hers, but gosh, I am greatly encouraged tonight.


Hey, I can dream, can't I. But I will be patient. God's timing, not mine. And I desperately want my brother and sister to grow in Christ, if nothing else. It could take years. I don't care. I have God. And I have all you people who care enough about me to read this blog. And others who care, but not enough to read :x

Lol.

And if nothing else, I will remember this night, when all comes to pass and this becomes an amazing testimony that I can stand up and deliver and to tell everyone the work God has done in my family since the last time I went up. I will remember this night, and I will remember the power of prayer:D


Freaking amazing. Haha. I'm no pastor. I don't know the Bible from end to end. I wish I did. But even if I did, I don't think anything would change. Honestly, I can see in humility that it is inconceivable that all the pastors in the world for the past 10 years around the world, who know the Bible as well as they do, would just happen to miss some stunningly simple concept that could unite the chasm split between the church by the Charismatic movement that I just happened to wander along and pick up.

I'm pretty sure that pastors who love God and do nothing but love God, leaders of churches, have already studied the Bible extensively on this, and if they are already divided, so firmly, logic and thesis and debate is really not going to convince anyone of anything.



But the greatest of these is love.

And God can do anything, and He will make fools of men and logic and wisdom.

And all we can conceivably do is follow in His wake by faith, really, and in joy and in peace and in prayer.


:DDDDD


If nothing else, this was a great encouragement tonight. I hope this was some use to someone else. Haha. :D

(I'm am sorry for the walls of text :/)


Okay Lala just asked me to lead worship. I'm going to respectfully decline. I'M NOT LEADING WORSHIP WHEN THERE ARE VISITORS COMING, GODAMMIT.

Considering what happened the last time I led worship...


I do not wantz Charr and Shereen and Marie-Ann and Berd to die laughing. Or worse, be disappointed ):



Okay..maybe this does involve stepping out in faith. Again. Haha. But I will call La first.

:p

Later (:

I'm confused

Holy Crap.

I'm up


:o


Guess that "My God will meet all your needs in Christ Jesus" is totally true after all :D (For those not in the know, I NEEDED to be up at 8am today to pick my IS modules. Like, serious academic consequences kinda stuff)


And I figured I'd wake up early, somehow, but 6am? :blink:

Well this is cool, I've been trying to wake at 6am for ages. Now...I have no excuse not to do the whole morning run thing I've been planning.

Besides the fact that its raining.

(cough).


Actually I'm confused. I actually woke up twice. Weird dreams. I'm not sure what was a dream or reality at this point. Cause apparently, I was stoning in bed when my father came in at 4isham and turned on the light to wake my brother up, to do homework? And that of course woke me up, hurt my eyes etc, you know, the usual, but I stayed under my blanket cause 1. My eyes hurt 2. I don't want to disturb the general public.

And I endured that for awhile, until some point when my brother went out for breakfast, and I stumbled to the lights switch and turned it off. I'm not sure what time this was.

And suddenly I wake up again, and its 8.30am, and in morning foggy rage I'm like shit.


Except I'm in some semi weird dream mode and something is happening, and there's an army bunker bunk bed thing interface around Mel(The school web infrastructure), and it blocks me momentarily, and then I find out the module I wanted was picked already.

And I was like, goddammit.


And so I pick something else, something weird, but I can't remember what my options were. Its all foggy at this point. And depressed, but kinda "meh" about the whole thing, I go back to bed, and crash, and suddenly I wake up again and its dark and my brother's having breakfast and its 608 am.


And I'm like, wait what?


Not complaining, I mean, I guess I get to pick my IS mods early after all, and I guess I didn't pick wrongly after all, but the whole thing was just generally very unnerving. Like, I game resetted my life or something.


And of course I don't know if the 4am wake up thing was real or not anymore.


But it was so real :O


OKAY I'M HUNGRY. TIME FOR GROGGY BREAKFAST TIME, I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THE BED ITS A TRAP.


BUT YAY I'M UP. (:



GOD BLESS AND GOOD LUCK FOR PROMOS PEOPLE, I'M STILL PRAYING AND WAITING [:

And there's nothing in this world i can dooooooo

I freaking love this song. Ahahaha. And no I'm not sad or anything. But I love it anyway. Its awesome. (:


Cause here I am
So alone
And there's nothing in this world I can do


Yeah. I was just pondering friendships, and the number of close friends I have, and how most of them are like one or two years younger than me, and finding it funny how I disregard the age gap entirely. Like how me and Charr can cross ideals instantly. Yisin and I can discuss tongues and whatever till kingdom come, and worship, and all that, and not once do I think about "him being younger". And then there's Hannah, and Sherry, and all that. And its cool. I can't treat someone as being "younger", and be a close friend of that person, see. Equality is all i'm good for. I can't be a close friend of someone without breaking down "rank". Its impossible. If you want me, you gotta have all of me. That's how I function. Yeah.

And when minds connect and hearts answer smiles, I'm going to hang onto it as long as I can. Precious friendships happen too little in life for us to shy away from them because of age, gender, rank, or whatever. We gotta looovee.

Okay fine hahahaha

Yes, I'd better talk about how the day was yesterday hahahahah.

It was really fun! Like, the previous night, I was up till 5am with paper and markers and everything strewn over the living room carpet writing letters for people that I felt compelled to write to, whether I really missed them, really appreciated them, wanted to encourage, all of that, and yesterday was the giving out of those letters to the people I wrote to.


Yes I could have mailed them. But where's the fun in that. (Okay you can debate that there is absolutely no fun going around all of Singapore without a concession pass but hey the important thing is the spirit of craziness okay) Plus, I don't really trust the postman. Just an upbringing where my mom has no qualms about opening my letters for "my own good", and if anybody else's parents are like that, and not understand that a guy coming across half the world to drop off a handwritten handfolded letter of love and encouragement DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A COURTING LETTER.


Yeah well. Haha. So I woke up at 10am in vague pleasant fuzziness, trying to remember what I had to do on a Wednesday, cause I vaguely remembered something really important was going on, and suddenly i was like OHSHIT RED CAMP TRIAL AT 11 RUN.

Yeah. Its amazing how fast I can get out of the house when I want to. Sigh.



So Red Camp Trial was cool. Idk. I mean, I think I did well, plus okay I already knew all of the people testing us and I was concentrating more on keeping the relationship professional than anything? And I found out Deb's a dancer, not just a dancer, but a trainer :o

WHAT THE HELL DEB, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL THESE THINGS TO YOUR OGL WHEN YOU MEET HIM, NOT HALF A YEAR LATER.


Aaahh. Haha. Hope I get in though. I mean anything can happen, and it IS up to God, and I'm cool if I don't. But I do love working with those people though. Its always fun and insanely productive and so nice and clean and stuff. :D

Like, I have never seen any ambassador or SL place an overly great emphasis on vulgar humour. And that means something to me, tons really.


ANYWAY. Got into interview room with Kim and Janani. It was funny. Kim started scolding me for not picking up my phone yesterday the moment I got in.

"Oh er, I was watching a movie"

"Yes i know, with Keenan and Josh, I TRIED CALLING THEM TOO AND THEN I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE TOGETHER"

[sheepish expression]


Heh. Right, so went to poke about IS filming for a little bit. Passed Pris her letter. Gerald you rock as a rocker man. You should do it more often. No serious. Effing cool! Haahahha.

And when that was wrapped up, the guys went to KAP for dinner, but I stayed behind cause I wanted to work on cell worship this week. Uh. And was trying to find out where exactly dear Charlene stayed so I could pass her the letter I had for her, BUT SHE WAS SLEEPING.

Its like once Char gets home, she becomes the Immovable Object and wont ever get out ever again nope.

But I love you anyway girl, it wouldn't be the same if you weren't like that. Haha. (:


And then I went to meet the guys again anyway cause Josh took my charger -.-

Headed to town with Adin so I could pass Bev her letter, and met up with Adelyn, which was cool cause I haven't seen her in years but she's always so funny. Haahha. Hit Bishan on the train so I could go find Hannah's place!


Cause you know, Hannah's place is at Bishan and all.



.......



Sigh. I got my ass to Bishan. Hannah didn't pick up. I called Yisin. Yisin...

tells me Hannah stays at Serangoon.


Me: $£!@£@!^$@$%£@%$£!!!!!£%@!!!!


Blah. Haha. Hannah woke up and started panicking cause she had no idea how to direct people to her house, and the way she was saying it was like so complicated I really thought it was really hard to get there. So I got on 13, and got off one stop too early by mistake cause I was deathly afraid of overshooting, started plodding down the road,


And suddenly I realise the surrounding area looks awfully familiar.




Me to Hannah: If you stay next door to my grandmother, I'm spazzing out.



Yeah. I've only been going to that area my whole life...

Lol. So yeah. I head over to Serangoon still in shock, on my way to Charr's place now, and I decide that the worst possible thing that can top what just happened is Charr getting on the same train to go home and me not noticing til we reach Chinese Gardens.

Uh. Lol. This was about...830pm?


Right. It was a rather uneventful trip though. Up til about when I took the westbound train from Outram and suddenly I realise that I know the person sitting in front of me.

No it wasn't Charr.

Mathias. Haha. One of the DHs from FOC camp, he went to Mongolia for 6 months for attachment and apparently came back a week ago. That was cool, haha. Guy's hair looked so different. And he was talking to a dude that I also knew, Red Camp SL with me last year too for the Centurion tribe.

Freaky. Haha. Good to catch up though. Mathias is always so levelheaded and its cool, cause I had a chance to talk to someone from that whole SU family about the whole thing? Like quitting and everything? And air my concerns about the possible backlash I've been worrying about?

Catching up was cool man. Haha.

And I found Charr's place eventually, and hauled my ass home.

And Charr finds her letter about when the time I reach Queenstown and manages to bless me so much with a thankyou that melted my heart so much it made everything all worth it and beyond(:


I'm ALWAYS here for you girl, okay? I love you(:




:D Okay I am off. Later. (:

And now the deep thoughts.

Something Charmaine and I were talking about in the long train journey back home really struck a chord with me.

We were discussing like our future and where we want to go/do/be and stuff, and I realised that:


For us writer/speaker gifted science/math failure types, there really isn't much of a place in the working world for us once we leave school.


Shocking.


I mean, you know how JC/secondary school is. Lets say you're a Lit pro. And you absolutely fail at Science/Math. And the thing about Science/Math? You know that all those geniuses in the top classes acing them are acing them mostly because of all the hard work and practice they're putting into it day after day after day mugging TYS, so you're like "wow these people are smart, but they're also super disciplined and hardworking mannn".


As for those few Lit students that ARE topping Lit, they are the ones who well- generally don't study, and don't really do much work, skive around dodging teachers, and still walk in on the day of the final Lit paper and pull some crazy ass deep perspective shit out of their ass and walk out with an A.


And those hardworking dudes earlier, no matter how hard they work, they're never going to really "get" Lit, cause its very hit/miss either you see it or you don't.


Which only really serves to create an aura of mystery and awe and "I can do magic" and "I'm a crazy random genius" around the Lit topping students.


See, you can tutor Science/Math. You can get the top students to teach you the concepts you don't understand. But with Lit? I've tried man. I've tried teaching my friends what I see, but they'll only understand what I see in that certain passage in the book, but they won't know how to "see" for themselves, whether for other passages in that book or other books. It is frustrating. You can't teach somebody to "see" like you "see". But then it also feels kinda good, because well, you feel...special.


And then you turn around and realise that in real life there is no future for the Lit students of the world, as opposed to the Science/Math/Accounting/Econs students of the world.


Don't get me wrong. I love Lit. I crazy do. I miss it like crazy. But where can Lit take me in the world, really? Besides teaching Lit and that really is a never ending cycle, really. Lol. I always envisioned myself, delving deeply into Lit and Philo and discussing fervently with other like-minded people the theories and inclinations and motivations of the great thinkers and writers of our past with a nice cup of cocoa in hand in a nice cosy room with lots of shelves of books and a good fire roaring, but seriously now.

Not that there is much to discuss anyway. We're so far along in our advancement since the advent of great "classic" writers and thinkers that pretty much any epic philosophy or school of thought has been beaten to death already by countless discussers before us? My view, anyway. There'd be only so much we could do before it all becomes redundant, and we'd be pretending that these issues exist just so we could argue some more.

And I don't think we'd get paid for it, anyway. Blah.


we COULD become script writers and playwrights and actors in the Arts Scene, but again exceedingly-high risk/reward, plus very small sustainable market, and to be good, you have to be REALLY good. Like world-applauding legendary. Still, it is an option. There you go Charmaine. Go Broadway. Gogogo.

Same goes for writing a book or whatever too.

Not saying you shouldn't go ahead and try, but it is no lie to say that for us dreamer/thinker/word-crafter types, the world is a much bigger and scarier and unreliable place to try and ply our craft.


Yes we have the potential to be truly great, but only a few can be truly great, and a lot fall by the wayside..


Plus, the problem with creative literary genius, is that we don't know how we have it, we just have it and don't complain, but what if it goes away? And we're left stranded like a mudfin that's sitting pretty on a beach rock oblivious to the receding tide assuming its going to come back, but not knowing that its all drying up and sinking into a hole on the desert floor.


Yeah well. Haha. And don't say Mass Comm. Really. People think that the automatic choice for us outspoken literary unconvential types is Mass Communication and the media, but it really isn't. It helps, sure, the command of the language, but other than that we don't really have an edge. Its more like a perverse twisting of the convention of Lit than anything else..


In Lit, in scriptwriting, in book-writing, in storytelling and wordsmithing, you're writing for yourself. You're writing to explore the vast potentials of something that is close to your heart, something that interests you, something that you see goes unpunished in the world and you are beset by a undying passion to call attention to it. Your dreams, your interpretation of the world, your laughter, your crying, your nightmares and greatest fears.

You're essentially saying to your reader "Hey, this is what I can do drawing upon all my life experiences and the heart I have in me. I really hope you like it. (:"


You're writing for You. In Mass Comm? You're not writing for any of that. You're writing and designing and coming up with ideas that will pander to the world today so you can make money.

It really is as stark and bleak as that. Oh, I'm sure some people live for that. And I'm sure it gives some of us here on this earth great joy when they manage to pinpoint what exactly the world wants and happily gives it to them, in the simplest most dumbed down form so the most number of people possible can enjoy and entertain and most importantly pay for their content. There's nothing wrong with that. The media is a business, after all. And businesses ARE to make money with.


But that's not what I signed up for. Did you know a newspaper is not to spread the news to the public? A newspaper is created to make money through advertising. The news fits in between all the advertisments put out that day to the public. The news is to reel in consumers so the paper can charge more to advertisers based on subscription numbers. And thats the way it works for all media vehicles.


But I really think if I started focusing on writing just to appeal to as many members of the public as possible, as opposed to writing for me, and the people out there in the world who'd relate to me and the fears and struggles and loves I'd be going through, I might die a little inside.


Which is why I'm so hesitant to jump into the big world of advertising, for one. A newspaper isn't so bad, so long as I'm not the one handling the advertising function.


I am sure there is a greater purpose to things. A greater ideal, a greater passion, a greater love.


I guess that's why I'm a dreamer. Haha.


I'm not worried about my life though, I've pretty much had at least most of my life mapped out by God for me, a calling I'm happy to answer, and I AM grateful.

But talking to Charmaine today made me realise that if I didn't have that destiny and understanding between me and God, I'd really be left out in the wash now, and what about all those people that are like me that haven't had their lives mapped out by God?

I want to be a famous writer—and a good one. I want to write intelligent, literate science fiction and fantasy stories (and in other genres as the mood strikes me), with good characterization, stories that will reach deep into people's psyches and tear their guts out (to mix metaphors rather unpleasantly). I want people to laugh and cry at my work. I want them to say, "It was better than Cats."

But I don't know whether I'm capable of that. And if I rush off half-cocked, trying to be the best, and I fail, what will I be left with?

Hartman, J., 1993. Dream A Little Dream. Retrieved on 27 August 2008 from http://www.kith.org/logos/things/swapa/dreams.html



Here's a little piece that I found on dreaming and whether to go for it or not that I think we can all very nicely identify with. Check it out haha, won't take two minutes.


(:


Hang in there all you literary/drama/writer/dreamer types. We still do have a destiny out there for us. I for one am going to see if any Uni will have me after I graduate from Mass Comm, I still do want to delve deeply into Lit and Philo at some point. Maybe do a degree on the side while serving in church. I still intend to have that huge room with stacks and stacks of books and a hot cup of cocoa and the roaring fire. And we can sit around there and talk and dream till we're all old and dry(:


And maybe at some point in my life, I'll end up writing, myself. That'd be funny. :D


See you guys tomorrow! :D

DEDICATION 3

ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY ENNA EVEN THOUGH YOU WILL PROBABLY NEVER READ THIS BUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANYWAY :D





(:

DEDICATION 2

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEENAN


Yes you heard me right. Its Keenan's birthday. The birthday of the half-aus long hair guy you see around school. The crazy one. The one laughing like crazy in church. The one laughing like crazy, anywhere, heck. One of the free-est spirits i've ever met, and yet still grounded enough to be socially responsible..unlike lets say well, me. Haha.


And not only is it your birthday, its your 18th birthday.


Sir, you are officially a man today and the government is watching you and you're only protected from them now because Poly keeps you away from them for another year.

But you are still being watched.





HAHA. Right. Happy birthday man. Interestingly enough, I think you and Charlene are the two people in my life that know the most about me. Like, pretty much everything. With Josh a close third. Haha. But yeah. You didn't like me at first, but its been a crazy time since then, and I would like you to know i really really appreciate having someone that appreciates being mad and random and whatnot and backing me up when I want to be. ...Most of the time. Haha. And even though we disagree on music tastes and uh well girl tastes etc, we're still great friends. Haha. Thank you, for everything you have been in my life, and happy birthday! Have a great one! Haha.


Now that that's over, gtfo. Dota time. Lol. LIKE NOW.

DEDICATION

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLENE. :DDDDDD



(:



Goodness girl, haha, the light you've been in my life since we met almost a year ago at Fuel-Up.

Its been crazyyyy. Everything you've been there for me for, every little bit of everything that you know you've been there for me for when you don't have to be. Heh. You're huge in my life char, and I smile everytime I think of you one of the people I trust entirely to have my back.

:D

I remember exactly how we met at Fuel-Up. The icebreaker thing. Um. Lets not talk about it. I think I was embarrasing :D


ANYHOW. YOU ARE 17 TODAY, AND A HUGE BLESSING TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU. LOVE YOU AND SEE YOU SOON. :D

And today was Different

Today was a special day, I think. Like, worship was special, different, and everyone could see it and hear it.


Cause we were raring to go from the get-go :D



Its not like we're usually not excited for youth service. We are. Haha. But we're mostly also chilling, saying hi, slowly filing in and all, and yeah haha.


There was none of that today. More people are early than usual, we are saying hi as usual, but it's different. There's a certain sense of urgency in the air, we look at each other and grin because we know "something is going to happen today", and the air is so charged with excitement its practically visibly humming away with an audible crackle.


And when the worship leader gets up and calls us to the front to worship God, there is a loud answering roar, and there's none of that "eh I don't want to go first see who go up first then i go" slow trickle, but we surge forward in one body and in one spirit to stand up for what we believe in.


And we look at each other, standing side by side as if ready for battle, and we grin, because there is a gleam in all our eyes that we can see in each other, and we nod, because we've been waiting for this the whole day since last night, we've been praying and waiting for this very moment.


The moment we stand up and give EVERYTHING we have to God, all our voices, all our lungs, all our hearts and our souls to glorify Him, and to worship Him with every ounce of our being :D


It is different. We've learnt something the previous night. We've learnt something over the past week with the SWAA folks. The pastors, the worship team, the band, the youth, we've all learnt something. And those who haven't, pick it up quickly, because since the previous night the excitment has been spreading, the fire has been passing, people have been sharing miraculous stories of what they've learnt at SWAA and the wonderous ways that God has been moving to those who weren't there, and its different today.

We're learnt that worship is EVERYTHING we've been created to be.
We are made to worship. We are made to sing songs to God. We ARE songs created by God. And that when we worship, we break apart the veil between heaven and earth and God himself, and his heavenly host, come down to worship with us because they simply cannot resist, and we're making our church a little piece of heaven at that moment when we worship.


And we're raring to go.


And the worship leader can see this. As we gather before him he notices something is different too, and he grins, and kicks off the pedal and breaks into his guitar-

AND YELLS TO GOD, AND WE YELL WITH HIM.


AND WE SING. WE DANCE. WE CRY OUT, AND THIS IS ONLY THE INTRO SONG.


We don't need to be led! There's none of that "oh im worried I don't want to seem overly excited, I don't want to overstep the worship leader, better see what he does". OUR LEADER IS GOD. AND EVERYTHING IS THROWN AT HIM, EVERY ESSENCE OF OUR BEINGS.



I look to my left, and see Yisin and Gab dancing and laughing away like they've never done so before. This is the time, this is where it all matters, this is what it all comes down to.

This is the final 9 yards.



And I look behind them, and I see Keenan, I catch his eye, he catches mine, and we grin, we are both in awe and in rapture and we can both see that. And then I pay him no further thought, and he pays me none either, cause this is about God, about our King and Almighty Saviour, the only One that matters to any of us, and I'm damn well going to focus every ounce of my being on HIM AND ONLY HIM.


Rachel and Polly next to me are lost in rapture too, singing a beautiful song to God with their beautiful voices with all the passion that God has granted them with, nothing held back at all. I pay them no further attention either.


And my world sinks into just me and God. Just me and my God. Just me and the One Being that matters the most to me now and forevermore because He first loved me and I tremble in awe at His Glory and Power and Unending Love.



Just me and God(:



10 minutes into worship, I nuke my voice. I'm holding nothing back. Yisin nukes his towards the last song. We're screaming. We're yelling. We're hoarsely yelling at the top of our lungs, Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the Highest!, and we never ever want this to end.


Cause this is all it boils down to. Its crunch time. Everything we exist for comes down to this. Its the frontline of spiritual warfare.

And we don't need anyone to tell us that, not the worship leader, not Pastor Jen, not anybody. Not today, today is different.


And as the song breaks into I see a generation, rising up to take their place, we look around and we revel in joy, because that generation? Is our generation. And this generation is giving a damn good account of itself, dammit. Hahahaha.


AND WE SING. BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT LORD. AND ITS ALL FOR YOU. AND THERE CAN BE NO WAITING. ITS ALL FOR YOU TODAY.

Pastor Jen is amazed. You can see that. So is Pastor Josh. Marcus, the worship leader, is taken aback by the fervor he is seeing, but no one is complaining.

AND WE BREAK INTO THE STAND. And with arms high and hearts abandoned! We praise God with all that is left with our limited voices! Pastor Jen's voice is already shot from crying out to God this whole week hahahaha. She dances instead :D Cause nothing is going to stop us from worshipping God man. We lose our voices? WE'LL DANCE. There's no space to dance? WE'LL YELL AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS AND SING WITH OUR HEARTS.

NOTHING IS KEEPING US FROM YOU LORD. NOTHING.

It is a scene that is repeated all across the church. Hundreds of young people from P6 to university undergraduates, face down on the floor, heads up high fixed on heaven, hands raised, hearts flying, God speaking and ministering to each and every one of us in that perfect way only He knows how, as we offer up all of the days we have lived, all the tears we have wept, all the laughter, all the love, all the sin, all the passion, both individually and as a congregation.

It is amazing to behold. But no one is paying attention to beholding it. We don't have the time man. God's here, I don't have time to listen to other people worship God, I'M GONNA WORSHIP GOD LORD HERE I AM PICK ME LOVE ME HEAL ME SEND ME.

I still tremble when I think about it. This is going to stay with me a loonng looong time ahahah.

(:




Today was different :D

Not because the band was spectacularly good or anything. It was okay. Not because of any newfangled special effects, we didn't have any. But because we stood up to be counted, with urgency and with unbridled passion and with nothing held back AT ALL and that makes all the difference.

Damn, we did, didn't we. XD.

You know what, I don't think this post has does justice to the experience at all. Its either impossible, or takes a far better writer than I am, to describe how fantastically wonderful and amazing touching God today was to you, if you weren't there. But those who were there know exactly what I mean :D


Something broke today, in our hearts. A resistance shattered and pushed through on earth and in heaven and in all the spiritual realms. There was a battle today and WE WON.

And I know the devil is running scared ahahaha.


Lets keep it that way :D



KEEP THE FIRE GOING GUYS, WE'LL MEET NEXT WEEK AND DAMN RIGHT WE'RE GOING TO DO IT AGAIN. WE'RE GOING TO STAND. FOR. GOD.

: DDDD


Man I haven't even gone into cell or the message yet. But I don't think I will. Hahah. Just keep those in my heart for now. But suffice to say, both were pretty awesome, and we're definitely growing as a cell and as sons and daughters of God. Woohooo! :D


Gosh I'm so hyped up now. Aaaahhhh. Hahahaha. Goshness WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.