Saturday - 12/6/10
Soooo.
Many thoughts. Someday I will attack the gauntlet of emotion that has been Thursday-Friday, so much has been happening, its pretty crazy, but I'll just hit up my thoughts about now first.
Yesterday was interesting. I got so many brownie points because I honoured my parents and showed up at the family thing as opposed to church. I was so. bored. But it was okay. Sigh. Was really interested on the way over in bringing the atmosphere over there, being an apostle, and I was reviewing much of my notes for SSM past few days on the train. Pretty epic. I love the way I take notes.
So it was good. But all the brownie points I had seem to have gotten shattered when I decided to stay over for Josh's birthday party instead of going home like I had agreed to, and broke honour.
Got back this morning at 830am, and my parents are so disappointed. I see where they're coming from, about worry. Because I didn't contact them, because my phone died. But yeah there go the brownie points.
The interesting thing is...I didn't stay over at Josh's because I wanted to have fun. I'm clear on that.
Jessie was there. Jessie was at Josh's party and she was beautiful. And I mean that in a 'I care so much about her as a friend' kinda way. I've forgiven her ages ago, but we don't talk much anymore, and at the party I was just seeing her through God's eyes. As the beautiful person that she is, not just outside but inside, even though she thinks she's so crappy on the inside.
I saw how she tried to watch out for the other girls, make sure that they don't drink too much. And when she got drunk, I didn't see her as uncontrollable at all, many people did, but she's an amazing person.
And I chose to stay over because I wanted to fix things. At least help that, somewhat. Its not going to be over in a night, and there's not much I can do, but time spent helps. And the intention to have time spent helps, and I know will help whatever in the future.
Just investing time. I could never be with this girl, I don't want to be, but I want to help her realise who she is. For her to step into the beauty that she is.
I understand that there are limitations to what I can do, that there are boundaries, but yeah. Slowly, surely, I do want to help her realise the amazing person that she is.
Sounds awesome, huh.
Thing is, I chose honouring my friendship with Jessie over honouring my parents. And that was the mistake. I realise that it was a mistake, it was a choice, and not a very good one. And while things with Jessie went well, I didn't have to be there. It was not that big a deal.
I screwed up, Lord. Hahhaa. Why am I laughing? Because I know you're helping me realise that I made a mistake, but you're not condemning me for it. I can try harder next time :)
You're so amazing Lord.
So :)
So amazing :)
Ugh. I hate alcohol. Like honestly. Drinking acid is reaaaaalllly not my thing.
Spent the best time talking to Rachael. Sigh :) So hilarious. I was dozing on a couch, and I called her, and the call went through, and I clambered behind the couch, on the floor away from everyone so I could talk to her.
For ages. Had the best time. The best feeling in the world, knowing that all that is going on around me, people are messing about on the PS3, and people are trying to work out relationship drama and all that, or recovering from alcohol, and here I am, talking to the girl I love, who wants to talk to me, and nothing else matters.
Sigh :)
Crazy. I'm so happy, and so proud of her. Like amazingly :)
Soooo. That was today. Uhm. I did get some sleep, but I'm not sure if I should get a bit more. Sigh. Dance todaaayyy. I'm so afraid I won't catch up. D: But its okay, God -hug-
It'll be okay :)
-hug-
Thank you Dad. You're amazing :)
Ohyeah. I walked into the hawker after I got back from the family thing, and every single table in the centre wanted to say hi to me. It was the best feeling. I love these guys so much. Thank you God, for blessing me socially here. It really means a ton ton ton ton ton.
It means huge. Sigh :)
Thank you Daddy :)
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Thursday - 10/6/10
Crazy gauntlet.
Might as well hit that now. Hahaa. Its been pretty crazy. I had the most emotional time today, Thursday, pretty mad. I thought today was going to be the best day. Got up early, got to church early, ready to journal, amazing dreams, ready to see Rachael at night.
And the teaching by Kris in the morning was amazing, as usual. Crazy day going crazy well.
Then I found out I couldn't go to Rachael's thing. Because its true, I didn't ask permission, just assumed, and Pastor Jenn was exercising discipline here.
I was so emotionally wrecked. So. And I wasn't even sure why. Its not so much that I can't go to Rachael's. I mean, that matters. But so much else. Priorities, needing a father figure, needing someone to talk to about Rachael, dance, school, everything.
Pretty mad.
School isn't school unless you've ever run into a hidden staircase to cry. Or try crying. Desperately hoping no one is going to come in, and bolting up or down a flight of stairs if you think someone is coming.
Yeah.
Hahahah. Was so, so stoned throughout all of Dan's teaching. I mean. It was good. Learned a bunch. But so emotionally tired. So drained. And Kenzo and Gid and the rest picked up on it. I'm glad. I'm their friend, not their leader. And until someone tells me different, they're my community. My friends.
And I want to lean on them too.
Yeah.
Gosh. Had a massive long talk with Pastor Josh later. About a whole bunch. I was so emotionally wrecked. And he made time for me. We missed the after-break afternoon session. Talked about a whole bunch, all the issues, seasons and everything, and especially my relationship with Rachael. Bam. There it was. He shared a bit more about Sharon and him. I was so glad. That means a whole lot to me.
Yeah. And stuff, we settled, etc...
It was good. I decided to go down with the rest to AISS later. Just cause. I'm silly that way. And a hopeless romantic. Its like I seek out the drama in my life.
Hahahhaa. Exciting. Loved the school, hung around, had to drag myself back....
Then on the way back to church, long bus trundling, having made and exercised my decision to honour and be correctable, and receive instruction...
And a message comes from my dad informing me about NS on 28 June.
Wut.
Pretty crazy.
Well....storm in a teacup. I really do feel that God is giving me a choice here. We've been talking about knowing God's heart, and knowing the prophecies and promises he has for you, and being intimate in him, and knowing we have a choice, and I feel in this time, as I make a choice with my desire, he'll open that door.
Cause he's cool like that.
So. Man...came back to church.
Learned a ton from Kris, but nothing maybe I couldn't get over the audio mp3. Funny as, though. I could have died. River of Ezekiel. Hahahhaha gosh. Mad.
Well, because I honored especially when it was hard, I never left God's covering. I mean, God can do whatever He wants, and release grace whenever, but there was a certain reward coming to me because I did honor. And was open to receiving instruction.
And that was ministry time at night. I got to minister to a few people. Firstly, I was so affirmed on words of knowledge. I had a few, was still feeling pretty down, and wondering if I should release them, but as I got up to the front, all 3 words I had got released already. Lol.
Which was good. Cause I was encouraged. It was like God telling me, 'its okay, I love you, see, you got it right. I love you, good job.'
Pretty awesome. Haha. Sooooo. Helped to minister. Prayed for someone with a back injury. Flowed in the Spirit. I saw fire running down his back, felt that I was supposed to pray in that way. And release that. And he was completely healed. So, amazing :)
Paul worked with me for this session, and it was really encouraging. And so good to work with him. We really click. Creative crazy cheerful people who just want to 'go for it' make me happy. Not all the HIPPERS are like that. And I so wish for a mentor that's sorta like that. In that area. It'll figure out sometime. Hahaa.
Oh yeahhhhhh. Earlier during the day. In the morning. Kris talked about owls. Which is pretty crazy. Cause I had that vision for Blanca on her birthday, one of the first prophecies I had during SSM. First week. And I wondered if she remembered. I mean, I would. Yeah. She did. And we went up to talk to Kris about it. Very cool. I love interacting with global giants of this ages. Just interacting and soaking with them. And picking up whatever I can. Because I feel that I'm so called to the global stage. Really. There is I suppose an apostolic passion within me. Really. Like Keith, like Kris, Dan, Kevin, etc. Just this passion to go around the world and bring a culture from where I am to where I'm going.
I've always had that. I don't know how that's going to work. But I feel, and God has always given me dreams and a sense of the global stage.
Speaker to nations. God just told me this. Sigh :)
Anyway. Praying for people. Second person who came up, a lady. And a full on case study on what Dan taught about bones, and speaking words of life into them, breaking off negative words off death, and using that to heal, happened exactly right in front of me.
Me and Paul got to experience that, like a model, 101, 'this is supposed to happen' kinda case. Haha. It was so good. Yes. Like we prayed and prayed, but nothing was going on, and I knew it had something to do with the miracle power not working, and having to use authority power. But that's all I got. No idea what to do. But as we pressed in and prayed again, she shared that her mouth was physically moving very fast, something was moving it, and I prophesied over her in that, that the Holy Spirit was anointing her lips, giving her words of power, short, not lengthy messages, but very powerful, to people around her in her office, etc.
And as that was going on, the Spirit came upon her visibly, mouth moving more, shaking, hands trembling etc.
I didn't feel any fire on my end, btw. Hahaha. It was pretty chill. Uh. So I know I wasn't trying to manipulate anything.
And as that was happening, Paul started breaking off words of death, led by the Spirit. And I was like 'OH'.
HAHA. That's what we're supposed to do! So worked with Paul, let him know I was gonna release words of life (she was breaking down and sobbing crazily at this stage), and we were just ministering, ministering to her heart, the knee thing is just a side thing, but we're ministering to her heart.
And I get more prophetic stuff about her childhood, not much, but a little, and as I release, more comes, and more comes, and I just release by faith. Hopefully it was true. But I know it is. Hahahha. uh.
And I'm thinking....'I don't think we're supposed to leave her in sobbing. Hm'.
And then she breaks out in full-on joy. Haha. Like, full-on. And I didn't do anything. Very cool. And she's just laughing, and laughing :)
We asked her what was going on then, later, and she said she had never experienced God that way before ever. And I know we didn't do any prompting. So, very cool. Very cool to be affirmed that this is real. That the joy this way is real. Haha. Not a parlour trick. We already knew that, but more affirmation is always good :)
Soooooo. Was very encouraged and grew a lot that night, in activation. Haha. Also saw Dillan. Campus Crusade guy. Had a chance to affirm him loads for his impact in my life. And Kenny prayed for me and prophesised that yes, I have a choice. And just greatly encouraged me about the NS thing.
Sooooooo. Mad day. Hahhaha. Pretty mad huh. I mean, it ended so well. God is good. But definitely very emotional. Roller-coaster. Crazy.
But yeah. Got home so tired. Hahahaa.
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Friday - 11/6/10
I guess the biggest thing about today was that I woke up feeling so emotionally tired. Like soooo. I woke up and dozed in God for awhile, but just felt very tired, even just spending time with him chilling. And so unsure about whether the choice I'm making is the right one. Because even though i have a choice, I desperately want to get it right. I don't want to be all 'oh I feel I know God's heart' and go boldly, and get it wrong.
Ugh. That scared me more than anything else. I recognize now that that fear, that insecurity that God would be pleased with me no matter what choice I made, or even if I heard him rightly about choices, that fear was not God. Was devil. So. But yeah :)
Was verrrrry tired. And I was like, God, please give me a word. I know Dan's gonna do something, please let someone give me a word. To encourage me. And direction.
So I get to church and the first thing Dan does is a in-house treasure hunt, and like TEN people come up to me giving me words :O
I get the point God. Hahhahaha. Thank you. You're so amazing. Thank you for listening to me and being so precious, for seeing me so preciously.
So many encouraging words, but very little about 'a choice' to make. I felt that God was just letting me know that he loves and pays attention to me, but in this, he's leaving the choice to me, that's why he's leaving it open.
So yeah. I'm determined to keep it simple. There could be so many reasonings and rationalising back and forth, but God's just like 'keep it simple. You have a choice'.
And I'm just gonna go with that. And act on that. I know He'll open the door. I choose to know it.
Yeah. Friday was pretty crazy in other ways too. Talking to La, and calling up CMPB. You say the door is opened, God. I interpret that as the door opened for my deferment. So I pray your release into that situation :)
Uhhh. Night. Cell. Trying to teach and convey some stuff. Running into a roadblock with Pearl. I tried to stretch her and convey a point to the cell that you can prophesy at any time, its easy, I jumped it on her during dinner, to prophesy over Carmen. And she backed off. and was like 'i don't think i can do it now'.
And I was like 'wilt'.
D:
Hahha but owell. We spoke later and worked it out. We do have to get together and talk about values and how to work together and all that. Cause honestly, Pearl rubs me the wrong way so many times. We're very different people, very different visions. And mine isn't better than hers. We can def learn from each other, especially in this season.
Yeah :)
Anyhooooooo. yes. Hanging out with John from the Philippines, very awesome. He's like a me-clone. We were just sitting in the centre of the aisle, hollering and going crazy, and it wasn't like me leading or anything. WHICH IS AMAZING. WE'RE SO ALIKE. ITS CRAZY. Not like keenan-bounce! But really a me-clone!
Which is insane. I feel that in the future we might be global giants together. Contemporaries cross globe. Thank you God for sending him into my life. It was great support and affirmation for who I am. Diversity is good....but the same is also, very good. It really was so timely. Thank you for John. Haha sigh.
Revolutionaries :)
Covert ministries, or overt? I feel called to both. And great crazy things in both. I guess, seasons. But yeah. :)
I figure one would prob bore me to death :P
I'm thinking.....prob covert first. And after a crazy season in there, in the battlefield....then taking that experience to overt ministries. And travelling and equipping others to do covert ministry.
Gonna be amazing.
Hahhaaa. Yes :)
SO THAT WAS FRIDAY. WE ARE DONE. WOOOHOOOOO.
I declare I am a revolutionary.
I declare I am a dancer
I declare I am a speaker to nations
I declare I am highly prophetic
I declare the apostolic passion upon my life. No idea if I'm a pastor or prophet or apostle yet, I have passions for all of those, but.....hey.
I declare I am a blessing to God and people around me.
I declare I am a leader of the charge
I declare I am a Joshua, in the thick of the battle.
I declare I am a warrior, a lion.
I declare I am precious, and loved, a pearl.
I declare I am a king, son of The King, brother of The Most High :)
Nuts. Insane. Fun as :)
Fireeeeeeeeeeeeee.
:) :) :)
Love you God :)
Showing posts with label Journal Entry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journal Entry. Show all posts
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Prophetic Dreams at 6AM before school :O
School of prophetic ministry is an hour! And I can be early!!! :O Mad.
Hahha thank you God. Last night I did the whole talking to myself from You, it was amazing, some of the stuff you think about me. Sigh :) And I was asking you for my desire to see something concrete, not just in the spirit but really with my eyes, I really desire that, all the time, and yeah.
I realise that just before I woke up, you already gave me a prophetic dream.
Heck, you came to me and spoke to me through Pastor Kevin, reminding me that I had to be in church at 730 (which my brain interpreted as dead of the night sky somehow), that we were all meeting for some epic battle?
Yes, epic battle.
And I got there early, that we were to go into battle, another battle (we've been doing this for awhile), on wolves, many of us, against some enemies with sticks and spears and stuff.
And i remembered we just came out from a great victory the previous time, massive battle, great carnage, and I had found a great weapon from the leader of the army the previous time.
This axe, this stone battle axe, called Wolf Head.
Yeah, terrifying weapon. But I didn't have it now, I gave it in to the leadership, and I had a conventional sword like everyone else.
And then I went into church. And more people came. There were many, many of us, the lights were dim, we were preparing for battle (but church people, and a lot of youth).
And there was a meeting of the adult pastors, and those who wanted to be pastors. And me and Justin were with them at the time of the call, and we were like 'Nahhh' and we moved away, but there was this small lady who admitted she felt called to be, and they laughed and welcomed her into the circle.
Justin and I were sitting in the front seats, Justin next to me, and Pastor Derek looked right at him, got him to stand, and prophesied over him. And we were all cheering massively. It was great. Like raising him up as a leader of the people/
I actually forgot what Pastor Derek said, but I added something about Justice, and laughing cause I might have accidently done that cause of his name. But what Pastor Derek said...something about hope and grace and joy and all those good things.
Idk.
And then the dream ended.
Whoa.
Very clear, one of the first times I've had it. And I woke up and was like...epic battle....wait. Oh yeah, we're at church v early today! And prophetic school...
Epic battle.
On wolves.
Wolf's Head stone axe. And that axe is mine to bear. But I gave it back to the leadership first. And I'm using a common sword now. But that axe is for me.
Wolves. What does that mean?
Cunning, ferocious, raging, bite and snap, quick battles.
Hmm.
Hahahaha okay. Thank you God, for kick starting prophetic school like that for me. Ahhh. Yeah. Gonna go now :)
Hahha thank you God. Last night I did the whole talking to myself from You, it was amazing, some of the stuff you think about me. Sigh :) And I was asking you for my desire to see something concrete, not just in the spirit but really with my eyes, I really desire that, all the time, and yeah.
I realise that just before I woke up, you already gave me a prophetic dream.
Heck, you came to me and spoke to me through Pastor Kevin, reminding me that I had to be in church at 730 (which my brain interpreted as dead of the night sky somehow), that we were all meeting for some epic battle?
Yes, epic battle.
And I got there early, that we were to go into battle, another battle (we've been doing this for awhile), on wolves, many of us, against some enemies with sticks and spears and stuff.
And i remembered we just came out from a great victory the previous time, massive battle, great carnage, and I had found a great weapon from the leader of the army the previous time.
This axe, this stone battle axe, called Wolf Head.
Yeah, terrifying weapon. But I didn't have it now, I gave it in to the leadership, and I had a conventional sword like everyone else.
And then I went into church. And more people came. There were many, many of us, the lights were dim, we were preparing for battle (but church people, and a lot of youth).
And there was a meeting of the adult pastors, and those who wanted to be pastors. And me and Justin were with them at the time of the call, and we were like 'Nahhh' and we moved away, but there was this small lady who admitted she felt called to be, and they laughed and welcomed her into the circle.
Justin and I were sitting in the front seats, Justin next to me, and Pastor Derek looked right at him, got him to stand, and prophesied over him. And we were all cheering massively. It was great. Like raising him up as a leader of the people/
I actually forgot what Pastor Derek said, but I added something about Justice, and laughing cause I might have accidently done that cause of his name. But what Pastor Derek said...something about hope and grace and joy and all those good things.
Idk.
And then the dream ended.
Whoa.
Very clear, one of the first times I've had it. And I woke up and was like...epic battle....wait. Oh yeah, we're at church v early today! And prophetic school...
Epic battle.
On wolves.
Wolf's Head stone axe. And that axe is mine to bear. But I gave it back to the leadership first. And I'm using a common sword now. But that axe is for me.
Wolves. What does that mean?
Cunning, ferocious, raging, bite and snap, quick battles.
Hmm.
Hahahaha okay. Thank you God, for kick starting prophetic school like that for me. Ahhh. Yeah. Gonna go now :)
Friday, June 4, 2010
Friday Lol
I give.
I'm just going to take time out and enjoy myself tonight. If I see journalling as work its just going to kill me. There's so much that happened the remainder of this week....so much absorbed, so many amazing things. Part of that is learning that I can do this and its okay :)
So. Timeout. Rest. Chill pill. Goodnight people.
Love you God <3
I'm just going to take time out and enjoy myself tonight. If I see journalling as work its just going to kill me. There's so much that happened the remainder of this week....so much absorbed, so many amazing things. Part of that is learning that I can do this and its okay :)
So. Timeout. Rest. Chill pill. Goodnight people.
Love you God <3
Uhhh. This was wednesday? 9/6/10
HELOOOOOOOO GOD.
HAHHAHAA. Owell. Journalling within testimony time. Ursh. But yeah, I guess I need to do this. I want to. I could have prob come earlier yes...or done it at home...but I don't regret staying at home and exploring music! And discovering the new planetshaker album! And watching Christian Hip Hop and being inspired!
More and more I'm learning about that I shouldn't just try and follow plans that would work for others but not me. Be flexible. Let God move. Like this morning. That it wasn't guilt or bad time management, that it was flowing in You and letting you speak to me at this time in that personal way that wouldn't work for anyone else.
And we'll keep casting off that reproach and self-condemnation until its gone. Get gone, evil spirits. Hhahahaa.
So :)
I still have to do that Gerald's video! I'll do that at lunch maybe or something. It'll be okay. Yes, I could have probably actually gone to sleep last night instead of playing Pokemon...but ah well. Haha God your grace is enough. Thank you for being amazing. Last night....man. Hahaa. I woke up like 20 times disabling alarms or something. It didn't quite work out. Heh.
In the morning....I woke up, and just laid there, knocked out, knowing there are things that I prob have to do....but not being worried about it. God will handle it, will keep me safe, manage my time for me. I'm not quite sure how to explain it...but I'm starting to be aware that God and I function better when I'm not working on strict disciplinarian plans, things that work for others but not for me! I function so much better with a vague plan and a list of things to do....and then going to do it. Yes I could waste time less...but I do that with a strict plan or not anyway because I keep putting things off. Haha. Its better if I just get out there and run with that.
Mostly. I don't quite understand it yet but I'm slowly walking in intimacy with you, God. Being chill. I mean, being excited and hungry yes, but I can also do it in chillness. I just vaguely sense this is the season.
Give me the mind renewal and words to express this whole thing when its over, God :)
Riiiiight. So. Haha yesterday was amazing. I didn't even know a guy like Keith was coming! But I was like, YES, AMAZING. THIS IS WHAT I AM HERE FOR. That energy, that culture! Taking all of it from the source, not a filtered down more-acceptable 'Asian' version! I'm not saying that our guys aren't good though. But I want that culture. Straight from the source.
That craziness, that free-ness, that jumping. Yes. YES. I am ready for this, God. I am so adaptable, and ready for this.
Things I took away from it:
1. Being an ambassador
- We've always heard and learnt about being an ambassador of God for ages! But it never occurred to me that being an ambassador in another country doesn't mean you live on the resources of that other country! You operate on the riches, security and providence of your own very rich country! No matter what the country you're in is like. And being a Christian is like that! Operating on the resources and security and culture of heaven, of the kingdom!
That knowing God, entering His kingdom, is different from salvation. I always wondered about that, that verse never made sense to me that someone might be kicked out of the kingdom. But its not about losing eternal life. Its losing the open heaven of the kingdom now, because of not walking in intimacy in God, though you use his name and cast out demons. Which brings me to my next point...
2. Knowing God's heart.
- This has been on me for a little bit. Realising that God and I talk about me all the time, but what about Him? What's on His heart? What do I really know about Him? And part of it is learning about God through His word, through His Names...
And part of it is also about asking God and listening 'God, what's on your heart? What matters to you?'
Not in a 'send me now I will do it' way, which is important too, but just about listening. Just about being a friend and walking in intimacy.
I wonder if I journalled about Monday yet? I can't rememberrrrrr. Hahahahha. :s
But yeah. Slowly walking as a friend. I need to hit the Dreaming With God book again, sometime :)
3. Going crazy!
Omigosh crazy jester hat prayer walks. Dancing around singing 'THE KING HAS COME'. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. THATS WHAT PRAYER WALKS SHOULD BE LIKE. Y'KNOW.
And then yesterday at the end, we were laughing so much, and I wasn't laughing THAT hard, I wasn't that high, but I had to decide to click that switch in my mind and be high! To just decide to be! In the running around and yelling, you know?
And it was a challenge. And I realised I do more than that at every camp I'm at. Just choosing to be high just because! Its like my mind has decided its completely acceptable to be that way!
So yeah :) Help me to bring that here, God, you've given me that experience and mantle for a reason.
I love You.
Very cool.
Well....I think I'm just learning about intimacy again. Just being chill, and restful (though you can grow in intimacy from running hard as well, so don't close off to that! Camp has taught me that much). But yeah. Don't try so hard, Keann. God will reveal.
Because when I'm comfortable in chilling, then when the crazy comes, I'll know how to handle it right.
Slowly. Just change me inside out, God :)
Maybe I'll journ about the mother/father thing later. Hahaha.
Oh. I guess I didn't journ about Monday. Ahhh. Impartation, walking into Trumpet Praise, just resting, etc.
Maybe later. But I don't have to do anything. :)
Love,
HAHHAHAA. Owell. Journalling within testimony time. Ursh. But yeah, I guess I need to do this. I want to. I could have prob come earlier yes...or done it at home...but I don't regret staying at home and exploring music! And discovering the new planetshaker album! And watching Christian Hip Hop and being inspired!
More and more I'm learning about that I shouldn't just try and follow plans that would work for others but not me. Be flexible. Let God move. Like this morning. That it wasn't guilt or bad time management, that it was flowing in You and letting you speak to me at this time in that personal way that wouldn't work for anyone else.
And we'll keep casting off that reproach and self-condemnation until its gone. Get gone, evil spirits. Hhahahaa.
So :)
I still have to do that Gerald's video! I'll do that at lunch maybe or something. It'll be okay. Yes, I could have probably actually gone to sleep last night instead of playing Pokemon...but ah well. Haha God your grace is enough. Thank you for being amazing. Last night....man. Hahaa. I woke up like 20 times disabling alarms or something. It didn't quite work out. Heh.
In the morning....I woke up, and just laid there, knocked out, knowing there are things that I prob have to do....but not being worried about it. God will handle it, will keep me safe, manage my time for me. I'm not quite sure how to explain it...but I'm starting to be aware that God and I function better when I'm not working on strict disciplinarian plans, things that work for others but not for me! I function so much better with a vague plan and a list of things to do....and then going to do it. Yes I could waste time less...but I do that with a strict plan or not anyway because I keep putting things off. Haha. Its better if I just get out there and run with that.
Mostly. I don't quite understand it yet but I'm slowly walking in intimacy with you, God. Being chill. I mean, being excited and hungry yes, but I can also do it in chillness. I just vaguely sense this is the season.
Give me the mind renewal and words to express this whole thing when its over, God :)
Riiiiight. So. Haha yesterday was amazing. I didn't even know a guy like Keith was coming! But I was like, YES, AMAZING. THIS IS WHAT I AM HERE FOR. That energy, that culture! Taking all of it from the source, not a filtered down more-acceptable 'Asian' version! I'm not saying that our guys aren't good though. But I want that culture. Straight from the source.
That craziness, that free-ness, that jumping. Yes. YES. I am ready for this, God. I am so adaptable, and ready for this.
Things I took away from it:
1. Being an ambassador
- We've always heard and learnt about being an ambassador of God for ages! But it never occurred to me that being an ambassador in another country doesn't mean you live on the resources of that other country! You operate on the riches, security and providence of your own very rich country! No matter what the country you're in is like. And being a Christian is like that! Operating on the resources and security and culture of heaven, of the kingdom!
That knowing God, entering His kingdom, is different from salvation. I always wondered about that, that verse never made sense to me that someone might be kicked out of the kingdom. But its not about losing eternal life. Its losing the open heaven of the kingdom now, because of not walking in intimacy in God, though you use his name and cast out demons. Which brings me to my next point...
2. Knowing God's heart.
- This has been on me for a little bit. Realising that God and I talk about me all the time, but what about Him? What's on His heart? What do I really know about Him? And part of it is learning about God through His word, through His Names...
And part of it is also about asking God and listening 'God, what's on your heart? What matters to you?'
Not in a 'send me now I will do it' way, which is important too, but just about listening. Just about being a friend and walking in intimacy.
I wonder if I journalled about Monday yet? I can't rememberrrrrr. Hahahahha. :s
But yeah. Slowly walking as a friend. I need to hit the Dreaming With God book again, sometime :)
3. Going crazy!
Omigosh crazy jester hat prayer walks. Dancing around singing 'THE KING HAS COME'. IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. THATS WHAT PRAYER WALKS SHOULD BE LIKE. Y'KNOW.
And then yesterday at the end, we were laughing so much, and I wasn't laughing THAT hard, I wasn't that high, but I had to decide to click that switch in my mind and be high! To just decide to be! In the running around and yelling, you know?
And it was a challenge. And I realised I do more than that at every camp I'm at. Just choosing to be high just because! Its like my mind has decided its completely acceptable to be that way!
So yeah :) Help me to bring that here, God, you've given me that experience and mantle for a reason.
I love You.
Very cool.
Well....I think I'm just learning about intimacy again. Just being chill, and restful (though you can grow in intimacy from running hard as well, so don't close off to that! Camp has taught me that much). But yeah. Don't try so hard, Keann. God will reveal.
Because when I'm comfortable in chilling, then when the crazy comes, I'll know how to handle it right.
Slowly. Just change me inside out, God :)
Maybe I'll journ about the mother/father thing later. Hahaha.
Oh. I guess I didn't journ about Monday. Ahhh. Impartation, walking into Trumpet Praise, just resting, etc.
Maybe later. But I don't have to do anything. :)
Love,
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday 30/5/10
My dad just gave me $70 to pay for my glasses. I didn't want to ask him at all.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggh.
Raaaarrrgh.
Sigh. I find it very hard to accept it, you know? Though I kinda have no choice. And I do need the money. I just hate having to take things from him. Especially when I'm not already being a very good son, I feel.
I want to take as little as possible from him. I already live under his roof, internet, electricity bill, fridge, microwave, bed and everything, and I'm not even hugely making him happy.
Considering he hates what I do. And I'm not about to give up believing in the supernatural or dance, and considering that I feel led to 1. Focus on dance full-time 2. Full-time ministry after/during that.
I take the sacrifice of not having money, or anything, of having to save, for the sake of my passions. I am really fine with it, its a personal sacrifice that I am willing to make, I just don't want to drag anyone else down with me.
Least of all a dad that I give so little too.
Ahhh ):
I know this is You providing for me, God. You told me: Don't ask for money. I didn't. My mom found out that I didn't have glasses and asked me why, and I said I was waiting for money to pay for it, and one thing led to another. Sigh.
And I was like 'Dad, at least just pay half. $35. I want to pay for myself. I really do.'
Also partly because I don't ever want to be in a place where they say that the only thing I do is ask them for money. I've been accused of that so much in the past, and I hate that. And most of my life I've been quietly choosing to not ask for money because I don't want to accused of that again. When we go for dinners at restaurants and things, I always pick the cheapest things. I try.
Cause I don't ever want them or I to feel that I'm just asking them for money. I've taken enough from them as it is.
I'm crying now.
When I asked to pay for my own glasses, My dad said 'When you have a salary, then we'll talk.'
I could take it in a happy sense that he's providing for me. But I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that he has to bail me out again. I don't want him too. And I know he doesn't want to either. That he probably rather wants to be proud that I can pay for my own things, having graduated and all and should be having a job.
And we both had quietly sad faces. I feel, anyway.
I don't want him to have to endure me, either. I want to do all these things, endure this difficulty, not fight with my parents, and hope they're proud of me at the end of it when they can see the result, you know? I don't expect them to be now ):
):
): ):
Apart from that, today was a good day. Ian Andrews in the morning, prayed for a couple of people to be healed, used the time to invest in a relationship with Roseanne who wanted to come to listen to Ian Andrews and be healed, honoured Pastor Eunice about her leading worship, talked to Justin and Kegan about our dreams for the future and what God has called us to do, and hung out with the Apaches at night. Haven't seen them for ages.
I think I'm going to shower and have an early night. I want to read tmr. Worship. Rest. Swim. And dance at night. Yeah.
I'm actually thankful for what I talked about earlier. I mean, I know it sucks, but I know its an issue I need to face up to at one point or another. That I hate receiving from my parents, that I hate having to ask my dad for anything. I have no problems asking God for anything, I've learnt, thankfully, about everything I can get from Him because His love is amazing, but gah...
I thank you for having me brush up against the issue, Lord.
Ahhh ):
I can't wait for SOZO. I really can't.
Love you God.
Goodnight, You're amazing.
So amazing.
Night (:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggh.
Raaaarrrgh.
Sigh. I find it very hard to accept it, you know? Though I kinda have no choice. And I do need the money. I just hate having to take things from him. Especially when I'm not already being a very good son, I feel.
I want to take as little as possible from him. I already live under his roof, internet, electricity bill, fridge, microwave, bed and everything, and I'm not even hugely making him happy.
Considering he hates what I do. And I'm not about to give up believing in the supernatural or dance, and considering that I feel led to 1. Focus on dance full-time 2. Full-time ministry after/during that.
I take the sacrifice of not having money, or anything, of having to save, for the sake of my passions. I am really fine with it, its a personal sacrifice that I am willing to make, I just don't want to drag anyone else down with me.
Least of all a dad that I give so little too.
Ahhh ):
I know this is You providing for me, God. You told me: Don't ask for money. I didn't. My mom found out that I didn't have glasses and asked me why, and I said I was waiting for money to pay for it, and one thing led to another. Sigh.
And I was like 'Dad, at least just pay half. $35. I want to pay for myself. I really do.'
Also partly because I don't ever want to be in a place where they say that the only thing I do is ask them for money. I've been accused of that so much in the past, and I hate that. And most of my life I've been quietly choosing to not ask for money because I don't want to accused of that again. When we go for dinners at restaurants and things, I always pick the cheapest things. I try.
Cause I don't ever want them or I to feel that I'm just asking them for money. I've taken enough from them as it is.
I'm crying now.
When I asked to pay for my own glasses, My dad said 'When you have a salary, then we'll talk.'
I could take it in a happy sense that he's providing for me. But I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that he has to bail me out again. I don't want him too. And I know he doesn't want to either. That he probably rather wants to be proud that I can pay for my own things, having graduated and all and should be having a job.
And we both had quietly sad faces. I feel, anyway.
I don't want him to have to endure me, either. I want to do all these things, endure this difficulty, not fight with my parents, and hope they're proud of me at the end of it when they can see the result, you know? I don't expect them to be now ):
):
): ):
Apart from that, today was a good day. Ian Andrews in the morning, prayed for a couple of people to be healed, used the time to invest in a relationship with Roseanne who wanted to come to listen to Ian Andrews and be healed, honoured Pastor Eunice about her leading worship, talked to Justin and Kegan about our dreams for the future and what God has called us to do, and hung out with the Apaches at night. Haven't seen them for ages.
I think I'm going to shower and have an early night. I want to read tmr. Worship. Rest. Swim. And dance at night. Yeah.
I'm actually thankful for what I talked about earlier. I mean, I know it sucks, but I know its an issue I need to face up to at one point or another. That I hate receiving from my parents, that I hate having to ask my dad for anything. I have no problems asking God for anything, I've learnt, thankfully, about everything I can get from Him because His love is amazing, but gah...
I thank you for having me brush up against the issue, Lord.
Ahhh ):
I can't wait for SOZO. I really can't.
Love you God.
Goodnight, You're amazing.
So amazing.
Night (:
Saturday - 29/5/10 (And Friday stuff too)
Woooooo.
Today was the best day. Hahaha sigh.
Okay let's start with the Ian Andrews stuff that I learnt over the week. Cause I notice that's not in my journals yet.
Wed:
Massive basics and foundations on healing. The biggest thing that I took away was: faith is not a feeling. The true meaning of it. That I don't have to feel big and awesome and confident (in God's power or my own) for God's healing to work. I can stand there feeling completely stupid and it'll have no effect on the healing taking place. Not an issue. I need to get hold of that audio clip! For Josh Simon/cell members, and myself :)
Thurs:
The four places to go to, to get a double portion.
Gilgal - casting off the reproach of Egypt
Bethel - dwelling in worship and experiencing God
Jericho - test of faith. Extreme test of your faith
Jordan - place of power and death.
Honestly after reviewing notes i'm not quite sure what the last meant. The point I took away from it, is to look at God and not the miracles going on all around (fire horses vs whirlwind), to gain your double portion. But I'm not sure how that relates to power and death...
Otherwise, I know where I'm at. For quite a while I have been stuck between Bethel and Jericho. I just want to go baaaackkk and worshipppppp. Its comfortable theeeereee.
But yeah. Hahha. Trial of faith. I'm doing that with money and a couple of other things, and I guess just be aware when God is doing that :)
Fri:
Tree of life vs tree of knowledge mentality!
Instead of knowing right vs wrong, just knowing what's on God's heart! (inc his Word). But yeah. Living in that. So key. And that if you do something for 30 days, it'll become a habit.
WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS EARLIER. ITS SO HELPFUL. AHHHH.
Yeah :)
The Friday dialogue was amazing!!! I've always wanted the answers to those questions about falling under the power of the Spirit and the crazy laughter (not so much the laughter), but yeah. Omigosh. Just being able to ask those questions. And learn about the pushing. That its okay not to fall.
Also, I realised that though I've never fallen under the power before, I've actually 'slain' someone. Ahahha i completely forgot. After last ssm. And I clearly wasn't pushing cause I wouldn't know how...she just slid down.
Interesting.
Friday cell....ohgosh I completely bombed the last song. Couldn't catch the chord. But its okayyy. We need more practice. Rah. Cell was good, Pearl, Roseanne and I decided to do the hand-knowledge thing, and we all got accurate things on the other 3 cell members in attendance. Mad. Hahhaa. And we decided to impart whatever we got, and when Roseanne laid hands on Tessa, the fire of God came and Tessa's back got really hot and she was so scared! HAHAHA. Pretty cool :)
-------------------------------------
Saturday :)
I decided to go to Quiznos for lunch alone, and a quiet place to sink into a book, and dwell in God, and absorb everything for the week. Yes, I have money, but I also need to get glasses, but I decided to dwell in providence. Tree of life. And God and I were okay with it, so :)
The best time. Enjoyed the blessing that is the food that God gave me, so much, the gigantic couch, and Supernatural Ways of A Transformed Mind. Omigosh and the last two chapters that I had left to read blew my mind.
Okay mostly the second last. Dreaming With God. I learnt that God wants our desires too. That we're not always to function in a 'God what do you want me to do for everything' mode, that that's not the way!
Which I'm pretty sheepish about cause I do ask God about mostly everything, the little things especially. This shirt, that shirt, bus or train, where to eat, everything...and the book exactly described that. Haha. But no condemnation, its not wrong :)
But yeah. God wants to please us too. That was just crazy affirming. I know its biblical, not just teachings, but examples. Moses, Abraham! And that he wants our dreams too, and shapes His plan according to them! That was pretty crazy. It so affirmed my dreams for dance. And especially after finding out that I DID get into the YOG Opening Ceremony Dance, in the morning, and being so so happy and thanking God, and texting the people that mattered to me - and not daring to text Pastor Jenn cause I was afraid she might ask 'Keann can you handle it' D:
(yes Ps Jenn I think you'll read this, but I'm obviously okay with telling you about this now. (: )
Cause I wasn't sure if it was just my desire and i was being presumptuous, but I do know that any and every dance I go for is to get better and gain exposure and choreo that I can use in a hip hop dance ministry that I feel so called for in the future.
(Ohyeah, when Ian Andrews talked about desire, and impartation and desire, I knew exactly what I wanted, just the way he described it. Dance. For some reason. Healing and words of knowledge and everything is great yes and I want more...but dance is just far far away on top. I'm not sure why, but I believe its God-given.)
Lala did ask 'can you handle it'. I didn't want to reply. But on the way to Orchard, I resolved I was going to stand up for my belief in the tree of life principle, that God put me there, and that He will give me the strength to cope and excel, period.
And then I got there and read the book and it affirmed so much and so I replied her with that in mind too :)
Yeah.
Best time soaking in God and just going through concepts in my mind, afters.
And the best time wandering OC on my own, dwelling in God's presence. Just enjoying the crazy architecture of the mall. So little organized structure. Ahahhaa.
Did growth track Lesson 1afterwards with Bryan and Marcus! (After I danced for awhile)
At scape. That was good. And I was able to ask some awesome questions:
They were like: 'When you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour' (Becoming a Christian)
And I was like 'What does that really mean?'
And they were like 'Uh'
HAHAHHAA. But yeah I really got them to think about stuff like that, and draw on verses, and work through what Jesus did and the significance there. What sin is, what God has to do about it, and Jesus filling the gap. Very cool.
I felt like an awesome teacher. Sorta. Ahahhahaa. :P
('What does that really mean') credit goes to Pastor Jenn. Just the way she usually asks her questions. I picked up on that. Hahhahaha.
Church. Awesome time in worship. I had a whole new perspective on worship, bringing hip hop dance to the table with the "God is my friend/brother" mentality, almost horizontal, instead of vertical, you know? And it really was a breakthrough. Crazy. I think Hip Hop might really be meant for that kinda thing. The whole brother brother friend thing. Pretty crazy :)
Ohhhh. Prayed for some little guy afters who came up with a hurt finger. I did the warehouse thing and it totally got healed. Yes I felt so stupid. Ahahahhaa. But yeah awesome.
And Ps Jenn's message on Honour, I was just like, YES. I have heard it before...but now I don't have to worry about conveying all those practical things like standing and everything and worrying about maybe being too preachy! Its already been taught, its out in the open. Yay. :) :) Now I can work with it, for the cell and for the community. Awesome.
And then....gosh, the most amazing talk with chonghao and Pastor Peter at night. I really appreciated it. We shared how we are with our cells, strengths, weaknesses, struggles we have, callings, preferences, destinies, the way we're wired...
Just so good. I'm so glad that I got to express all of that. And that we got to faciliate discussion with each other! And also the presence of Pastor Peter. Really. Having that kind of super long talk about our dreams and doubts in ministry with him there really was a huge thing. Or if any other pastor was there, just listening. The sense of approval..really means a lot to us. Crazy. So mad.
But yeah. It was the best day :)
OKAY HANDS TIRED RAH YAY JOURNAL DONE WOOHOOO. THANK YOU GOD. 30 MORE DAYS. HABIT. RAH.
I love You God
Thank you for being so, so, so good to me. Its amazing :)
Also, wowwwww. That stage I can't comprehend. Chang prophesied that over me last week. And this week, YOG. Marina Parade Stadium. Broadcast in over 200 countries. Possible presidents and all that watching. THAT IS PRETTY CRAZY.
Mad performing.
Omigoshhhh. Thank you God. Let's take this world stage :)
I love You, thank you for being so amazing.
I love You.
(:
-----------------
P.S
Ohyeah I almost forgot! Tree of Life mentality yeah, tonight, cell dinner (before talk with CH/Pastor Peter), the drinks auntie that always really likes me came around asking for donations for her son to be able to study. And I gave her $2.
And then I looked at the $30 remaining, knowing that I need every cent to pay for glasses after I combine it with next week's allowance, and was like 'Uh.'
And God/I was like 'Tree of Life mentality, I can give that away, the Tree of Knowledge mentality is that if I give, I don't have anymore, but I'm on Tree of Life mentality'.
It was a challenge! But I asked her to come back, added a '1' in front of the '$2' that I wrote on the paper, and gave her $10 more. And she didn't want to accept it at first, but she did :)
Yay.
Afters, after the talk with CH/Pastor Peter, we wandered back over, the drink stall was still open (1140pm), and they bought drinks. And the auntie made me take a free drink, and pressed a Ribena into my hand.
Which isn't the point, its not like I deposited money so I can take free drinks lol, but it was cool. I didn't really want to accept it either but I guess if I'm willing to give blessings I must also be willing to receive it! Happily.
Cast off that reproach yo.
:)
Okay. Hahahha. Night :)
Today was the best day. Hahaha sigh.
Okay let's start with the Ian Andrews stuff that I learnt over the week. Cause I notice that's not in my journals yet.
Wed:
Massive basics and foundations on healing. The biggest thing that I took away was: faith is not a feeling. The true meaning of it. That I don't have to feel big and awesome and confident (in God's power or my own) for God's healing to work. I can stand there feeling completely stupid and it'll have no effect on the healing taking place. Not an issue. I need to get hold of that audio clip! For Josh Simon/cell members, and myself :)
Thurs:
The four places to go to, to get a double portion.
Gilgal - casting off the reproach of Egypt
Bethel - dwelling in worship and experiencing God
Jericho - test of faith. Extreme test of your faith
Jordan - place of power and death.
Honestly after reviewing notes i'm not quite sure what the last meant. The point I took away from it, is to look at God and not the miracles going on all around (fire horses vs whirlwind), to gain your double portion. But I'm not sure how that relates to power and death...
Otherwise, I know where I'm at. For quite a while I have been stuck between Bethel and Jericho. I just want to go baaaackkk and worshipppppp. Its comfortable theeeereee.
But yeah. Hahha. Trial of faith. I'm doing that with money and a couple of other things, and I guess just be aware when God is doing that :)
Fri:
Tree of life vs tree of knowledge mentality!
Instead of knowing right vs wrong, just knowing what's on God's heart! (inc his Word). But yeah. Living in that. So key. And that if you do something for 30 days, it'll become a habit.
WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME THIS EARLIER. ITS SO HELPFUL. AHHHH.
Yeah :)
The Friday dialogue was amazing!!! I've always wanted the answers to those questions about falling under the power of the Spirit and the crazy laughter (not so much the laughter), but yeah. Omigosh. Just being able to ask those questions. And learn about the pushing. That its okay not to fall.
Also, I realised that though I've never fallen under the power before, I've actually 'slain' someone. Ahahha i completely forgot. After last ssm. And I clearly wasn't pushing cause I wouldn't know how...she just slid down.
Interesting.
Friday cell....ohgosh I completely bombed the last song. Couldn't catch the chord. But its okayyy. We need more practice. Rah. Cell was good, Pearl, Roseanne and I decided to do the hand-knowledge thing, and we all got accurate things on the other 3 cell members in attendance. Mad. Hahhaa. And we decided to impart whatever we got, and when Roseanne laid hands on Tessa, the fire of God came and Tessa's back got really hot and she was so scared! HAHAHA. Pretty cool :)
-------------------------------------
Saturday :)
I decided to go to Quiznos for lunch alone, and a quiet place to sink into a book, and dwell in God, and absorb everything for the week. Yes, I have money, but I also need to get glasses, but I decided to dwell in providence. Tree of life. And God and I were okay with it, so :)
The best time. Enjoyed the blessing that is the food that God gave me, so much, the gigantic couch, and Supernatural Ways of A Transformed Mind. Omigosh and the last two chapters that I had left to read blew my mind.
Okay mostly the second last. Dreaming With God. I learnt that God wants our desires too. That we're not always to function in a 'God what do you want me to do for everything' mode, that that's not the way!
Which I'm pretty sheepish about cause I do ask God about mostly everything, the little things especially. This shirt, that shirt, bus or train, where to eat, everything...and the book exactly described that. Haha. But no condemnation, its not wrong :)
But yeah. God wants to please us too. That was just crazy affirming. I know its biblical, not just teachings, but examples. Moses, Abraham! And that he wants our dreams too, and shapes His plan according to them! That was pretty crazy. It so affirmed my dreams for dance. And especially after finding out that I DID get into the YOG Opening Ceremony Dance, in the morning, and being so so happy and thanking God, and texting the people that mattered to me - and not daring to text Pastor Jenn cause I was afraid she might ask 'Keann can you handle it' D:
(yes Ps Jenn I think you'll read this, but I'm obviously okay with telling you about this now. (: )
Cause I wasn't sure if it was just my desire and i was being presumptuous, but I do know that any and every dance I go for is to get better and gain exposure and choreo that I can use in a hip hop dance ministry that I feel so called for in the future.
(Ohyeah, when Ian Andrews talked about desire, and impartation and desire, I knew exactly what I wanted, just the way he described it. Dance. For some reason. Healing and words of knowledge and everything is great yes and I want more...but dance is just far far away on top. I'm not sure why, but I believe its God-given.)
Lala did ask 'can you handle it'. I didn't want to reply. But on the way to Orchard, I resolved I was going to stand up for my belief in the tree of life principle, that God put me there, and that He will give me the strength to cope and excel, period.
And then I got there and read the book and it affirmed so much and so I replied her with that in mind too :)
Yeah.
Best time soaking in God and just going through concepts in my mind, afters.
And the best time wandering OC on my own, dwelling in God's presence. Just enjoying the crazy architecture of the mall. So little organized structure. Ahahhaa.
Did growth track Lesson 1afterwards with Bryan and Marcus! (After I danced for awhile)
At scape. That was good. And I was able to ask some awesome questions:
They were like: 'When you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour' (Becoming a Christian)
And I was like 'What does that really mean?'
And they were like 'Uh'
HAHAHHAA. But yeah I really got them to think about stuff like that, and draw on verses, and work through what Jesus did and the significance there. What sin is, what God has to do about it, and Jesus filling the gap. Very cool.
I felt like an awesome teacher. Sorta. Ahahhahaa. :P
('What does that really mean') credit goes to Pastor Jenn. Just the way she usually asks her questions. I picked up on that. Hahhahaha.
Church. Awesome time in worship. I had a whole new perspective on worship, bringing hip hop dance to the table with the "God is my friend/brother" mentality, almost horizontal, instead of vertical, you know? And it really was a breakthrough. Crazy. I think Hip Hop might really be meant for that kinda thing. The whole brother brother friend thing. Pretty crazy :)
Ohhhh. Prayed for some little guy afters who came up with a hurt finger. I did the warehouse thing and it totally got healed. Yes I felt so stupid. Ahahahhaa. But yeah awesome.
And Ps Jenn's message on Honour, I was just like, YES. I have heard it before...but now I don't have to worry about conveying all those practical things like standing and everything and worrying about maybe being too preachy! Its already been taught, its out in the open. Yay. :) :) Now I can work with it, for the cell and for the community. Awesome.
And then....gosh, the most amazing talk with chonghao and Pastor Peter at night. I really appreciated it. We shared how we are with our cells, strengths, weaknesses, struggles we have, callings, preferences, destinies, the way we're wired...
Just so good. I'm so glad that I got to express all of that. And that we got to faciliate discussion with each other! And also the presence of Pastor Peter. Really. Having that kind of super long talk about our dreams and doubts in ministry with him there really was a huge thing. Or if any other pastor was there, just listening. The sense of approval..really means a lot to us. Crazy. So mad.
But yeah. It was the best day :)
OKAY HANDS TIRED RAH YAY JOURNAL DONE WOOHOOO. THANK YOU GOD. 30 MORE DAYS. HABIT. RAH.
I love You God
Thank you for being so, so, so good to me. Its amazing :)
Also, wowwwww. That stage I can't comprehend. Chang prophesied that over me last week. And this week, YOG. Marina Parade Stadium. Broadcast in over 200 countries. Possible presidents and all that watching. THAT IS PRETTY CRAZY.
Mad performing.
Omigoshhhh. Thank you God. Let's take this world stage :)
I love You, thank you for being so amazing.
I love You.
(:
-----------------
P.S
Ohyeah I almost forgot! Tree of Life mentality yeah, tonight, cell dinner (before talk with CH/Pastor Peter), the drinks auntie that always really likes me came around asking for donations for her son to be able to study. And I gave her $2.
And then I looked at the $30 remaining, knowing that I need every cent to pay for glasses after I combine it with next week's allowance, and was like 'Uh.'
And God/I was like 'Tree of Life mentality, I can give that away, the Tree of Knowledge mentality is that if I give, I don't have anymore, but I'm on Tree of Life mentality'.
It was a challenge! But I asked her to come back, added a '1' in front of the '$2' that I wrote on the paper, and gave her $10 more. And she didn't want to accept it at first, but she did :)
Yay.
Afters, after the talk with CH/Pastor Peter, we wandered back over, the drink stall was still open (1140pm), and they bought drinks. And the auntie made me take a free drink, and pressed a Ribena into my hand.
Which isn't the point, its not like I deposited money so I can take free drinks lol, but it was cool. I didn't really want to accept it either but I guess if I'm willing to give blessings I must also be willing to receive it! Happily.
Cast off that reproach yo.
:)
Okay. Hahahha. Night :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
26/5/10 Wed Morning
OMIGOSH WOOOOOHOOOOO ITS DONE.
RAHHH. ITS DONE. THAT WAS PAINFUL. BUT ITS DONE. YEAHHHHHH.
JOURNALS ARE DONEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
YAYYYYYYY.
But yeh. Painful. Many thoughts. I just wanted to run away and hide in a corner and rest in you or something. But that was worship. But it cost me. Heck yeah it cost me. It was paaaaaaainful.
Ahhhh. What happened to the Mary-Martha principle, Lord. How do I do all these things and still remain in rest in you?
Rah.
Many thoughts. First...maybe I should transcribe these things every night instead. That makes me heck of a less painful. Or do it on my phone...that way, I can just copy-paste.
I will agree that reviewing is healthy as, though. A few things I want to claim...
I AM called to be a youth pastor. And therefore I will be. I just always thought that the road to that was as a cell leader....and everything that I have learnt/gone through so far DOES help! So much!
The biggest thing that I will miss about not being a cell leader....is not the status and the position. But the nurturing and attention and care that the leadership team showers on the leaders. Like that care. And discipleship. Yeah.
Which brings into question why I feel a cell leader might not be able to give me that. Hm.
But yeah. Also....
last night's rest was good. I just conked out. Ahhhh. And ran out of the house at 8 this morning to force me to do all the journals. I mean, in hindsight, that was good. But I remember when I ran out I felt so 'bleh' and 'forced' and 'miserable'! Is that what self-discipline feels like all the time? I don't like that :/
Ahhhhhh. Grad was okay. Hahha. I hated that they shoved us back into boundaries of our courses, or our batches, for it. I mean, we've spent our lives trying to transcend the barriers! it was okay....
But pretty good. Just one of those things we have to do I guess. Hahhaa. The gown was cool. I like that. Mmmmm.
I wonder how it will be when we look back. Hahaaa.
Yeah. Okay. Leaving these pages to go rest in you, and hopefully in worship...an rest. And learn about healing. Yeah. Hopefully I won't fall asleep...we're trying something new today. Looking to ask questions all the time instead of trying to take down quietly. I just break down there...
No contacts at all today. Or money for lunch. Thought about going into my mom's room to grab coins...but God will provide. Rah. Help me to rest, God.
I NEED IT. RAH.
LOVE YOU GOD.
RAHHH. ITS DONE. THAT WAS PAINFUL. BUT ITS DONE. YEAHHHHHH.
JOURNALS ARE DONEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
YAYYYYYYY.
But yeh. Painful. Many thoughts. I just wanted to run away and hide in a corner and rest in you or something. But that was worship. But it cost me. Heck yeah it cost me. It was paaaaaaainful.
Ahhhh. What happened to the Mary-Martha principle, Lord. How do I do all these things and still remain in rest in you?
Rah.
Many thoughts. First...maybe I should transcribe these things every night instead. That makes me heck of a less painful. Or do it on my phone...that way, I can just copy-paste.
I will agree that reviewing is healthy as, though. A few things I want to claim...
I AM called to be a youth pastor. And therefore I will be. I just always thought that the road to that was as a cell leader....and everything that I have learnt/gone through so far DOES help! So much!
The biggest thing that I will miss about not being a cell leader....is not the status and the position. But the nurturing and attention and care that the leadership team showers on the leaders. Like that care. And discipleship. Yeah.
Which brings into question why I feel a cell leader might not be able to give me that. Hm.
But yeah. Also....
last night's rest was good. I just conked out. Ahhhh. And ran out of the house at 8 this morning to force me to do all the journals. I mean, in hindsight, that was good. But I remember when I ran out I felt so 'bleh' and 'forced' and 'miserable'! Is that what self-discipline feels like all the time? I don't like that :/
Ahhhhhh. Grad was okay. Hahha. I hated that they shoved us back into boundaries of our courses, or our batches, for it. I mean, we've spent our lives trying to transcend the barriers! it was okay....
But pretty good. Just one of those things we have to do I guess. Hahhaa. The gown was cool. I like that. Mmmmm.
I wonder how it will be when we look back. Hahaaa.
Yeah. Okay. Leaving these pages to go rest in you, and hopefully in worship...an rest. And learn about healing. Yeah. Hopefully I won't fall asleep...we're trying something new today. Looking to ask questions all the time instead of trying to take down quietly. I just break down there...
No contacts at all today. Or money for lunch. Thought about going into my mom's room to grab coins...but God will provide. Rah. Help me to rest, God.
I NEED IT. RAH.
LOVE YOU GOD.
21/5/10 - Friday Morning
21/5/10 - Friday Morning
I still constantly have the sense that there's so much to do, God.
And that I'm not doing enough. Task-wise & character-wise, so many things to do, so many things to be. That everyone else just seems to be already, with no effort.
I mean, I have my own strengths and own giftings, and I love them! And I know the Martha-Mary principle! You've shown it to me so many times. To just sit at your feet. Not to run around doing everything. I know I have complete approval in you. I just can't help but feel that I'm letting everyone else down, you know? And I don't like that either. And I think its biblical to honour people too. Idk. I feel so confused and tired sometimes. I love You, and I just want to dance around with you, but look at all these things to do!
But I trust you. Bring me revelation, God.
I love you.
I still constantly have the sense that there's so much to do, God.
And that I'm not doing enough. Task-wise & character-wise, so many things to do, so many things to be. That everyone else just seems to be already, with no effort.
I mean, I have my own strengths and own giftings, and I love them! And I know the Martha-Mary principle! You've shown it to me so many times. To just sit at your feet. Not to run around doing everything. I know I have complete approval in you. I just can't help but feel that I'm letting everyone else down, you know? And I don't like that either. And I think its biblical to honour people too. Idk. I feel so confused and tired sometimes. I love You, and I just want to dance around with you, but look at all these things to do!
But I trust you. Bring me revelation, God.
I love you.
20/5/10 - Thursday Afternoon
20/5/10 - Thursday Afternoon
Mmm hey God. You are good. Hahha so much has happened...again...but I'm so glad the testimony is done. Sorta. Well need edits...but yeah. Your Grace. I stayed up really late to do it but...I was thinking. La asked me to ask You if you wanted me to stop anything I was doing, say yesterday, that kept me so busy. That I might be hearing you wrong. Well...the biggest thing in the end was that I didn't hear you wrong. Nor did I overpromise to Jenn at first. I told her 'tonight', and she said ' evening?' and I said 'Yes'. That's the part where I went wrong, being afraid to say no, the whole yes is yes and no, no thing. Not that I listened to you wrong. Yeah.
Well...I really love You. Thank You God. I trust you about the money, I claim your providence. Help me to ask my dad.
And I want to lay hold of the prophecies. That I will be a youth pastor, I claim it. That I will be an amazing speaker. That I have an anointing in the prophetic. That I am a Joshua, a leader in the thick of things, e.g. when Moses intercedes, I lead the charge. Help me to go read that passage, God. And cover that book. And your Names. I want to find out more about you.
Ohyeah. That desire that I can eradicate myopia. I claim it in writing, God. And...for my eyes and arm to be healed.
Thank you for the time, thank you for loving me (:
Love, Keann
Mmm hey God. You are good. Hahha so much has happened...again...but I'm so glad the testimony is done. Sorta. Well need edits...but yeah. Your Grace. I stayed up really late to do it but...I was thinking. La asked me to ask You if you wanted me to stop anything I was doing, say yesterday, that kept me so busy. That I might be hearing you wrong. Well...the biggest thing in the end was that I didn't hear you wrong. Nor did I overpromise to Jenn at first. I told her 'tonight', and she said ' evening?' and I said 'Yes'. That's the part where I went wrong, being afraid to say no, the whole yes is yes and no, no thing. Not that I listened to you wrong. Yeah.
Well...I really love You. Thank You God. I trust you about the money, I claim your providence. Help me to ask my dad.
And I want to lay hold of the prophecies. That I will be a youth pastor, I claim it. That I will be an amazing speaker. That I have an anointing in the prophetic. That I am a Joshua, a leader in the thick of things, e.g. when Moses intercedes, I lead the charge. Help me to go read that passage, God. And cover that book. And your Names. I want to find out more about you.
Ohyeah. That desire that I can eradicate myopia. I claim it in writing, God. And...for my eyes and arm to be healed.
Thank you for the time, thank you for loving me (:
Love, Keann
Random Thoughts - 19/5/10
Random Thoughts - 19/5/10
- Badly need to run to prayer chapel and cry today. And then testimony. Oohh. Fasting time. 11:19am
- Something tells me that the reason why I love 'Break Your Heart', 'Eenie Meanie' and the other songs I'm listening to, is because I'm still wallowing in guilt over having hurt Jessie. And having been a heartbreaker. I don't understand it, it makes me sad but its a release. Don't know if its healthy, though..
- God. I love You. Thank You for giving me this phone. And the songs in there. They're nice songs..
- I just feel like being alone these days. God, I, Rachael. Everyone else is wonderful, really...but somehow I just want to be alone-ish. With music. Do dance. Be professional. Idk. Rahhh. I love You God..
- Definitely need to be set free.
- or friends who agree. I don't really feel like clashing mindsets these days
- guess I should do the Corp Prayer email after all. Its on families. Impttt. Emphasize. 11.36am
- Its weird that I want to listen to music instead of listening in class. uh. This is bad.
- SOZO...I remember my weapon yesterday. Bulldozer with missiles. Haha uh. God I really need this...
- I like this new way of journalling. Its like Facebook :D - 11.41am
- I'd use Facebook instead...but I get so distracted!
- I think I'm going to attempt to transcribe this all on the blog. Woohoo. ANOTHER thing to do ._.
- I need those glasses. NOW NOW NOW. I feel so disengaged. Ahhh.
- I wonder if I journalled with phone. Hmmmm.
- RAH. 11.49am
- I get so ashamed by Singlish sometimes. Hurrr. This is not good for me...
- Madeline is awesome though. Hahahahaha
- I get the impression that if the course was conducted by Americans/Aus/European people I would feel so much more enlightened though. Which is nice..but weird. Is there a complete rejection of my Asian culture somewhere? Woohoo more issues ._.
- This SOZO thing is awesooooooooomeee.
- God I love You.
- I really want to attack Daren Tay's notes on who God is. Rah. BUT MORE THINGS TO DO WOOHOO. D: ):
- No idea how veron and the rest do it. They feel so calm and capable.
- I'm so happy for the (SOZO) guy. God bless him (: (: (: <3
- Help me to step out as much and as more as Veron does, God. I know its my birthright (:
- I think Justin's cinnamon multiplication thing is damn cool :D
- Hmm 'I love you but you can do more' is a lie. I get that a lot..I always thought that was a good thing :s
MASSIVE MINDSET CHANGE NEEDED.
- let's not settle for less. Hmm
- DANCED TODAY (: (: (:
- Having contacts in really help my listening somehow. Hm. Its sharper, I can focus more. This is one of the few sesions so far where everything I have is firing. Cylinders. Hm. 2.51pm
- I'm SO attentive now! Thank you God :o (:
- Badly need to run to prayer chapel and cry today. And then testimony. Oohh. Fasting time. 11:19am
- Something tells me that the reason why I love 'Break Your Heart', 'Eenie Meanie' and the other songs I'm listening to, is because I'm still wallowing in guilt over having hurt Jessie. And having been a heartbreaker. I don't understand it, it makes me sad but its a release. Don't know if its healthy, though..
- God. I love You. Thank You for giving me this phone. And the songs in there. They're nice songs..
- I just feel like being alone these days. God, I, Rachael. Everyone else is wonderful, really...but somehow I just want to be alone-ish. With music. Do dance. Be professional. Idk. Rahhh. I love You God..
- Definitely need to be set free.
- or friends who agree. I don't really feel like clashing mindsets these days
- guess I should do the Corp Prayer email after all. Its on families. Impttt. Emphasize. 11.36am
- Its weird that I want to listen to music instead of listening in class. uh. This is bad.
- SOZO...I remember my weapon yesterday. Bulldozer with missiles. Haha uh. God I really need this...
- I like this new way of journalling. Its like Facebook :D - 11.41am
- I'd use Facebook instead...but I get so distracted!
- I think I'm going to attempt to transcribe this all on the blog. Woohoo. ANOTHER thing to do ._.
- I need those glasses. NOW NOW NOW. I feel so disengaged. Ahhh.
- I wonder if I journalled with phone. Hmmmm.
- RAH. 11.49am
- I get so ashamed by Singlish sometimes. Hurrr. This is not good for me...
- Madeline is awesome though. Hahahahaha
- I get the impression that if the course was conducted by Americans/Aus/European people I would feel so much more enlightened though. Which is nice..but weird. Is there a complete rejection of my Asian culture somewhere? Woohoo more issues ._.
- This SOZO thing is awesooooooooomeee.
- God I love You.
- I really want to attack Daren Tay's notes on who God is. Rah. BUT MORE THINGS TO DO WOOHOO. D: ):
- No idea how veron and the rest do it. They feel so calm and capable.
- I'm so happy for the (SOZO) guy. God bless him (: (: (: <3
- Help me to step out as much and as more as Veron does, God. I know its my birthright (:
- I think Justin's cinnamon multiplication thing is damn cool :D
- Hmm 'I love you but you can do more' is a lie. I get that a lot..I always thought that was a good thing :s
MASSIVE MINDSET CHANGE NEEDED.
- let's not settle for less. Hmm
- DANCED TODAY (: (: (:
- Having contacts in really help my listening somehow. Hm. Its sharper, I can focus more. This is one of the few sesions so far where everything I have is firing. Cylinders. Hm. 2.51pm
- I'm SO attentive now! Thank you God :o (:
19/5/10 (Wed Morning)
19/5/10 (Wed Morning)
In starting of SOZO class now. SIgh. We just did this throne room river thing now.....and I saw this amazing flow of toys, things I always wanted as a kid. Soccer ball, toys, guns, abundance, all these things. And Rachael (: And new family. And then old family. Dad, mom, siblings. And dance. And money e.g. for the glasses I'm getting later today. And a nice studio apartment, beautiful. Pretty amazing...but I still want to cry a lot. Because I'm realising how badly I want some of these things, all the things I wanted as a kid that I was denied, and my family. And the sense of loss and poverty that I carry around. One thing I noticed...is that usually in a setting like this, I'd be running for the mic, sharing...but two reasons.
One, all the amazing things that go on keep having me brush up against many very very painful areas in my life, that I hate showing anyone, because I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.
And second, that I somehow don't trust this bunch of people as yet. Unlike my youth bunch. I don't know. I think...I really want to run for the SOZO thing. Like one of the biggest things I have to do. So many issues. God. I love love You. Thanks for sticking with me. Help me to know you like you know me. And I trust you for today, and finances. I love You. Love <3
In starting of SOZO class now. SIgh. We just did this throne room river thing now.....and I saw this amazing flow of toys, things I always wanted as a kid. Soccer ball, toys, guns, abundance, all these things. And Rachael (: And new family. And then old family. Dad, mom, siblings. And dance. And money e.g. for the glasses I'm getting later today. And a nice studio apartment, beautiful. Pretty amazing...but I still want to cry a lot. Because I'm realising how badly I want some of these things, all the things I wanted as a kid that I was denied, and my family. And the sense of loss and poverty that I carry around. One thing I noticed...is that usually in a setting like this, I'd be running for the mic, sharing...but two reasons.
One, all the amazing things that go on keep having me brush up against many very very painful areas in my life, that I hate showing anyone, because I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.
And second, that I somehow don't trust this bunch of people as yet. Unlike my youth bunch. I don't know. I think...I really want to run for the SOZO thing. Like one of the biggest things I have to do. So many issues. God. I love love You. Thanks for sticking with me. Help me to know you like you know me. And I trust you for today, and finances. I love You. Love <3
17/5/10 (Mon Afternoon)
17/5/10 (Mon Afternoon)
Hello Dad.
This journalling thing. Hmm. Haha. I want to do it. I don't want to think too much about it. I just want to do it. Its not something I would do naturally...but every word, every penstroke, is an act of worship to you, God (:
There is so much to thank you for. I don't have enough strength in my hands. Haha. Learning about Honour. Inheritance. Impartation. Forgiveness. Bible Study. Heck, how to study well. Goals. Team Goals. Fieldwork Goals. Public Speaking. Coos vision. And a whole bunch of homework D:
So much to organise, review, DO, if i want the best out of it. Uh. And still books. And cell stuff. And working on family. Graduation. Police. Getting a job.
Pretty mad, God. How. Hahahha.
With You, right? Help me to listen, follow you, snap judgments, not procrastinate, and do things, Lord. Give me wisdom...and the love to do discipline out of worship. That is my desire!
Rah. But yeh only one thing is needed, which is following you. The rest will fall into place, right. Let's not make the things over you, when it really can be that simple (:
Streetwars. Ahahha. Omg. Its over. I'm not even really sure if it is..
It was so good. Thank You God for always blessing me through it. Giving me the ideas, the energy, the lucky breaks, the words to say. How to lead this team. How to be soldier. Spiritual warfare can be like that too right. Haha. But really, thank you so much for this team. And keeping me off FB. Ohh that was the best. Hahahha shiz.
So, so good. Oh man. Hahhaa.
And then...there's Rachael. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. Ohhh damn. Gah. Haha. God I want to thank you for all the love there. Keep the relationship growing according to Your Will, k? <3 Rah.
And...guide me through today. I'm starting with books, then dance. Then home to do everything else. Show me what to do. I don't believe you mean to stress me out.
(:
-Keann, 2pm
Hello Dad.
This journalling thing. Hmm. Haha. I want to do it. I don't want to think too much about it. I just want to do it. Its not something I would do naturally...but every word, every penstroke, is an act of worship to you, God (:
There is so much to thank you for. I don't have enough strength in my hands. Haha. Learning about Honour. Inheritance. Impartation. Forgiveness. Bible Study. Heck, how to study well. Goals. Team Goals. Fieldwork Goals. Public Speaking. Coos vision. And a whole bunch of homework D:
So much to organise, review, DO, if i want the best out of it. Uh. And still books. And cell stuff. And working on family. Graduation. Police. Getting a job.
Pretty mad, God. How. Hahahha.
With You, right? Help me to listen, follow you, snap judgments, not procrastinate, and do things, Lord. Give me wisdom...and the love to do discipline out of worship. That is my desire!
Rah. But yeh only one thing is needed, which is following you. The rest will fall into place, right. Let's not make the things over you, when it really can be that simple (:
Streetwars. Ahahha. Omg. Its over. I'm not even really sure if it is..
It was so good. Thank You God for always blessing me through it. Giving me the ideas, the energy, the lucky breaks, the words to say. How to lead this team. How to be soldier. Spiritual warfare can be like that too right. Haha. But really, thank you so much for this team. And keeping me off FB. Ohh that was the best. Hahahha shiz.
So, so good. Oh man. Hahhaa.
And then...there's Rachael. I love her. I love her. I love her. I love her. Ohhh damn. Gah. Haha. God I want to thank you for all the love there. Keep the relationship growing according to Your Will, k? <3 Rah.
And...guide me through today. I'm starting with books, then dance. Then home to do everything else. Show me what to do. I don't believe you mean to stress me out.
(:
-Keann, 2pm
12/5/10 (Wed Morning)
12/5/10 (Wed Morning)
Hellooo God (:
Its nice to see you again. Ahhh. Yayy. I feel good. And suddenly there's no time to journal! Bleagh. Haha okay how do I feel today - SO TIRED. But happy glow. Though kinda miffed that we didn't get a kill. Lack of super awesome feeling. But its kay :D Like, I love you! And I loved the experience for last night and this morning! The sheer epicness of it all. Ahahhaha. My stubborness. Good memories, good stories. So I'm taking the neutralizing in stride. Makes for a majorly good story. Ahahha. Plus, I know I need the rest. The lockout is good for me. Things to do, yeah. Cell, get specs, maybe get wig? Trashbags. Heal, regroup. Yeahh. And awesome golden time with you. Like Apple Juice. Thank you for the time to soak and rest yeah. And the phone death. Good. Haha. Okay, let me really soak in you yeah. And learn. Transform me, God (:
Love You (:
<3
Hellooo God (:
Its nice to see you again. Ahhh. Yayy. I feel good. And suddenly there's no time to journal! Bleagh. Haha okay how do I feel today - SO TIRED. But happy glow. Though kinda miffed that we didn't get a kill. Lack of super awesome feeling. But its kay :D Like, I love you! And I loved the experience for last night and this morning! The sheer epicness of it all. Ahahhaha. My stubborness. Good memories, good stories. So I'm taking the neutralizing in stride. Makes for a majorly good story. Ahahha. Plus, I know I need the rest. The lockout is good for me. Things to do, yeah. Cell, get specs, maybe get wig? Trashbags. Heal, regroup. Yeahh. And awesome golden time with you. Like Apple Juice. Thank you for the time to soak and rest yeah. And the phone death. Good. Haha. Okay, let me really soak in you yeah. And learn. Transform me, God (:
Love You (:
<3
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
24 May 2010 (late night)
-------------------
THERE SHOULD BE MANY OTHER JOURNALS DATED BEFORE THIS, THAT WILL APPEAR AFTER THIS. RAH. TYPED OUT. I SHOULD CREATE A NEW LABEL FOR IT.
ALSO, THEM STREETWARS STORIES SHOULD BE CHUCKED HERE TOO. AND THAT TESTIMONY.
-------------------
24 May 2010 (late night)
WOOHOO JOURNAL TIME
Uh. I'm journalling a heck of a lot more than i used to, and it really helps to build intimacy in my relationship with You, God, but I'm still unable to complete it according to my personal goals....
Hum. That's a lot of journalling <_< And word. And yeah. And idk i very very tired, I guess that's what I'm meeting Marcus on Wednesday for. Refocus? Rahhh.
Anyway. Today was the best day. Thank you God. Dance was so amazing. Again. You really provided, helped with the grad gown, the police thing, all of that, even though I got down there really late. And dance is just so, so amazing. The friends, the community, the choreo, the progression, the passion, everything. And so much fun. Ahhhhh.
Even though I knew I screwed up the choreo in the showcase. Even though practice before that was so amazing.
Uh. Hhahahaha. So much going on. Rah. I'm not going to go for big journal entries.....but short ones. With a point.
Today's point is that dance was amazing. Thank you God. Ummmm. Those books.....ahhhh.
Perhaps I am really tired. Oh who am I kidding. But I've been procrastinating that homework long enough. Rah. Cynthia's. Typing out aaaaaaaallll my book journals for La for online viewing. The two prophecies from last week. Uh.
Rah. Push! Rah
Grad stuff is settled. I love the gown. I really do. Yellow and blue, my favourite colours, and it doesn't look really really bad. Ahhhhhh.
Hopefully dance tmr, even if no one comes. Yeah. Ahyeah :)
Mmmm. So tired God. But let's hit this cynthia's hw, at least. Now. Rah.
Tmr's going to be another amazing day.
Guide me, Lord. I'm aware that I function on a very different system from most others. Don't let me fit into a mold and then beat myself up because i'm not fitting in it well.
Hmmmm.
Sleeeepy. Hw time.
THERE SHOULD BE MANY OTHER JOURNALS DATED BEFORE THIS, THAT WILL APPEAR AFTER THIS. RAH. TYPED OUT. I SHOULD CREATE A NEW LABEL FOR IT.
ALSO, THEM STREETWARS STORIES SHOULD BE CHUCKED HERE TOO. AND THAT TESTIMONY.
-------------------
24 May 2010 (late night)
WOOHOO JOURNAL TIME
Uh. I'm journalling a heck of a lot more than i used to, and it really helps to build intimacy in my relationship with You, God, but I'm still unable to complete it according to my personal goals....
Hum. That's a lot of journalling <_< And word. And yeah. And idk i very very tired, I guess that's what I'm meeting Marcus on Wednesday for. Refocus? Rahhh.
Anyway. Today was the best day. Thank you God. Dance was so amazing. Again. You really provided, helped with the grad gown, the police thing, all of that, even though I got down there really late. And dance is just so, so amazing. The friends, the community, the choreo, the progression, the passion, everything. And so much fun. Ahhhhh.
Even though I knew I screwed up the choreo in the showcase. Even though practice before that was so amazing.
Uh. Hhahahaha. So much going on. Rah. I'm not going to go for big journal entries.....but short ones. With a point.
Today's point is that dance was amazing. Thank you God. Ummmm. Those books.....ahhhh.
Perhaps I am really tired. Oh who am I kidding. But I've been procrastinating that homework long enough. Rah. Cynthia's. Typing out aaaaaaaallll my book journals for La for online viewing. The two prophecies from last week. Uh.
Rah. Push! Rah
Grad stuff is settled. I love the gown. I really do. Yellow and blue, my favourite colours, and it doesn't look really really bad. Ahhhhhh.
Hopefully dance tmr, even if no one comes. Yeah. Ahyeah :)
Mmmm. So tired God. But let's hit this cynthia's hw, at least. Now. Rah.
Tmr's going to be another amazing day.
Guide me, Lord. I'm aware that I function on a very different system from most others. Don't let me fit into a mold and then beat myself up because i'm not fitting in it well.
Hmmmm.
Sleeeepy. Hw time.
Friday, May 7, 2010
StreetWars Day -2
Log:
Purchased the first guns today. Spent ages checking them out at the mart, twin handguns, simple, simpler than I would like, but they have their purpose. And I lack funds, for now.
$1.90 for a couple of handguns. Took them out, gave them a once-over, they work decently. The red gun seems to have less power than the yellow, which worries me. Hopefully they don't deteriorate over time. Mid-range, useful in close quarters definitely, they're precise and their clip size satisfies me. A good 20-30 shots in each before they start to lose range. And maybe good for 20 more. 15 minutes of all out squirting, at least.
More testing and practice is needed. A man needs to know his guns. Reload times, range, power, concealment, drawing the gun. My intention was to carry a tank of water around for refills, but it seems the fastest way to recharge these bad boys is plunging them into a body of water, not the other way round. More thought is needed.
These are much better for precision shots than spray. I wondered about using them for spray, but it seems un-optimal to do so, given how little water is fired per shot. In close quarters, yes. Like whips. Again, I need more time with these babies.
Still need a bigger gun for defense. High pressure. And range. I wish I still had those beauties I had years ago.
Funding is a problem. I need the job money to come in now.
Water bombs. Balloons or the traditional camp bags? I prefer the latter, they explode better and I'm familiar with them, but they also leak a bit. Also cheaper. More thought needed.
For today...lets just go with the bags. If I can find any.
Target: Rachael Defoe
Purchased the first guns today. Spent ages checking them out at the mart, twin handguns, simple, simpler than I would like, but they have their purpose. And I lack funds, for now.
$1.90 for a couple of handguns. Took them out, gave them a once-over, they work decently. The red gun seems to have less power than the yellow, which worries me. Hopefully they don't deteriorate over time. Mid-range, useful in close quarters definitely, they're precise and their clip size satisfies me. A good 20-30 shots in each before they start to lose range. And maybe good for 20 more. 15 minutes of all out squirting, at least.
More testing and practice is needed. A man needs to know his guns. Reload times, range, power, concealment, drawing the gun. My intention was to carry a tank of water around for refills, but it seems the fastest way to recharge these bad boys is plunging them into a body of water, not the other way round. More thought is needed.
These are much better for precision shots than spray. I wondered about using them for spray, but it seems un-optimal to do so, given how little water is fired per shot. In close quarters, yes. Like whips. Again, I need more time with these babies.
Still need a bigger gun for defense. High pressure. And range. I wish I still had those beauties I had years ago.
Funding is a problem. I need the job money to come in now.
Water bombs. Balloons or the traditional camp bags? I prefer the latter, they explode better and I'm familiar with them, but they also leak a bit. Also cheaper. More thought needed.
For today...lets just go with the bags. If I can find any.
Target: Rachael Defoe
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Rachael and I
Hey baby,
When you get home, or whenever you see this, its for you ♥
I don't want to go back to being half of the equation, do you understand what i'm saying. Girl without you I'm lost, can't fix this compass at heart....
other disgusting math lyrics. Ugghhhh. Bieber's making me silly. But yeah.
I love you
www.youtube.com
I love this song (: Thanks for all the comments. No copyright infringement intended. Please don't steal this video. LYRICS: Just a fraction of your love Fills the air And I fall in love with you All ...
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"Oh, it is love
From the first
Time I set my eyes upon yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Oh dear
It's been hardly a moment
And you are already missed
There is still a bit of your skin
That I've yet to have kissed
Oh say, "Please do not go."
But you know, oh, you know that I must
Oh say, "I love you so."
But you know, oh, you know you can trust
We'll be holding hands once again
All our broken plans I will mend
And I will hold you tight so you know
It is love
From the first
Time I pressed my hand into yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Oh dear
It's been hardly three days
Yet I long to feel your embrace
There are several days until
I can see your sweet face
Oh say, "Wouldn't you like to be older and married with me?"
Oh say, "Wouldn't it be nice to know right now that we'll be?"
Some day, holding hands in the end
All our broken plans will abend
And I will kiss you soft so you know
It is love
From the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Ohhh
Your heart may long
For a love that is more near
So, when I'm gone
These words will be here
To ease every fear
And dry up every tear
And make it very clear
I kiss you and I know
It is love
From the first
Time pressed my lips against yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Oh, it is love
From the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Oh I kiss you and I know
It is love
From the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
♥
Keann,
I love you.
I want us to be right. I don't want us to be stuck in the middle. I don't want us to have to lie behind everyone's backs to be together.
Keann you mean the world to me, you're my best friend and so much more and I don't ever want to hurt you.
But baby, I don't know what the right thing to do is yet... Give me some time to pray and figure it out?
But I want you to know that I love you so much. So, so, so much.
If it was any other guy it'd be different... but you. You're nothing like any other guy I know or will ever know. I don't want to lose you and I need to know that my decision on us is the right thing. I'm gonna need to talk this one out with God k?
But baby I want you to know, I'm not going anywhere.
Cause Keann..
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Keann Chong, I love you.
x 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the first
Time I set my eyes upon yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Oh dear
It's been hardly a moment
And you are already missed
There is still a bit of your skin
That I've yet to have kissed
Oh say, "Please do not go."
But you know, oh, you know that I must
Oh say, "I love you so."
But you know, oh, you know you can trust
We'll be holding hands once again
All our broken plans I will mend
And I will hold you tight so you know
It is love
From the first
Time I pressed my hand into yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Oh dear
It's been hardly three days
Yet I long to feel your embrace
There are several days until
I can see your sweet face
Oh say, "Wouldn't you like to be older and married with me?"
Oh say, "Wouldn't it be nice to know right now that we'll be?"
Some day, holding hands in the end
All our broken plans will abend
And I will kiss you soft so you know
It is love
From the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Ohhh
Your heart may long
For a love that is more near
So, when I'm gone
These words will be here
To ease every fear
And dry up every tear
And make it very clear
I kiss you and I know
It is love
From the first
Time pressed my lips against yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Oh, it is love
From the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
Oh I kiss you and I know
It is love
From the first
Time I pressed my lips against yours
Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?"
♥
Keann,
I love you.
I want us to be right. I don't want us to be stuck in the middle. I don't want us to have to lie behind everyone's backs to be together.
Keann you mean the world to me, you're my best friend and so much more and I don't ever want to hurt you.
But baby, I don't know what the right thing to do is yet... Give me some time to pray and figure it out?
But I want you to know that I love you so much. So, so, so much.
If it was any other guy it'd be different... but you. You're nothing like any other guy I know or will ever know. I don't want to lose you and I need to know that my decision on us is the right thing. I'm gonna need to talk this one out with God k?
But baby I want you to know, I'm not going anywhere.
Cause Keann..
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Keann Chong, I love you.
x
www.youtube.com
HelloGoodbye - Oh, It Is Love Oh, it is love From the first Time I set my eyes upon yours Thinkin', "Oh, is it love?" Oh dear It's been hardly a moment And you are already missed There is still a bit ...
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Hey baby,
Rachael, this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever written for me. Ever. Ever. I've read it over...and over...and over...and over...
And every single time I've pored slowly over every single second of your words, I know that you're right. Baby, I love that you and I both know this isn't one of those relationships where the guy goes 'awwww crap', and his friends go 'you got owned'.
I love you no matter what we're doing, and that's the truth. We've always been on the same page here, I've always loved that, you're magic, girl, I don't understand how we happened, sometimes, the past two months have been the most magic months of my life, the past few days...have been crazy. Thank you for making my summer the best days of my life, ever.
Yes I know its not summer. Screw it.
I've been thinking about this too. I've known for awhile what kind of distance we should be having, but its so hard to say 'no' to you, and its fun to be stupid. I know I should be taking the right lead, I'm sorry that you had to, baby.
You and I both know that we've been less of 'us' and more of 'each other', since we started going out, and that's not wrong, God knows that I want to meld everything that I am into everything that you, and we are, and I'm perfectly happy about that, because I love you.
But God's been popping into my mind over the past few days, nudging me that there's still a journey for me first, a little longer, melding me into the person that He's prepared for you, and the same for you.
Baby, you're the person that I fell in love with because you gave your life to God and He shaped you that way. You're amazing.
I'm so grateful to God for letting me taste you as you are, for letting me know that I'm not alone, that we had this amazing breathless thing for a short sweet time, but at the same time I know that if we turn our eyes upon Him first, you're going to get so much more of the person that God created me to be, I don't want you to get anything less of that.
I...I'm in love with you right now, as you are, I couldn't be happier just being with you as you are now, but you get the point :P
You deserve so much more.
Baby, I love you. I'm happy to wait, you knew it before you typed this....please pray. Please figure it out. And for me, I'll definitely be living life with God as well. Letting the big guy shape me. There's no hurry, no pressure no nothing.
I'm so glad that we have Him for us. Many people don't get that. Yet.
Thank you for leading, when I couldn't, because I've liked you so much. Thank you for being the person I've asked God for, everything and more.
Thank you for giving me the best memories of my life.
I love you, Rachael.
Not going anywhere and you know it (:
I trust God, and I trust you, and I trust Him for us. And you and me.
I love you. And everything that we're going to be.
Whatever that is, I know I'm going to because...God created me to love it.
I love you, baby. And though I'll miss you, love is more than enough for that. Please be okay about the distance -hug-
I trust your choice.
God, take care of the girl I love for me, kay? I know its a silly statement...but I'm silly.
Make her feel better when she's lonely. Make her feel better when she's sad. Make her feel better when she feels there's no one to turn to, and make her feel better when its hard to be strong.
I could go on forever, jabbing at keys on my keyboard and hoping that each slow jab helps to convey how much I love you.
Been ready for this my whole life, Rachael. Ready for you.
I hope this makes you smile.
I love you
I love you
I love you
Have amazing dreams tonight, have a great day in school, and have an amazing time with God. I'm right here too.
(:
I love you. Everything about you.
Rachael (: (: (:
I love you, Rachael Defoe.
xx
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Rachael, this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever written for me. Ever. Ever. I've read it over...and over...and over...and over...
And every single time I've pored slowly over every single second of your words, I know that you're right. Baby, I love that you and I both know this isn't one of those relationships where the guy goes 'awwww crap', and his friends go 'you got owned'.
I love you no matter what we're doing, and that's the truth. We've always been on the same page here, I've always loved that, you're magic, girl, I don't understand how we happened, sometimes, the past two months have been the most magic months of my life, the past few days...have been crazy. Thank you for making my summer the best days of my life, ever.
Yes I know its not summer. Screw it.
I've been thinking about this too. I've known for awhile what kind of distance we should be having, but its so hard to say 'no' to you, and its fun to be stupid. I know I should be taking the right lead, I'm sorry that you had to, baby.
You and I both know that we've been less of 'us' and more of 'each other', since we started going out, and that's not wrong, God knows that I want to meld everything that I am into everything that you, and we are, and I'm perfectly happy about that, because I love you.
But God's been popping into my mind over the past few days, nudging me that there's still a journey for me first, a little longer, melding me into the person that He's prepared for you, and the same for you.
Baby, you're the person that I fell in love with because you gave your life to God and He shaped you that way. You're amazing.
I'm so grateful to God for letting me taste you as you are, for letting me know that I'm not alone, that we had this amazing breathless thing for a short sweet time, but at the same time I know that if we turn our eyes upon Him first, you're going to get so much more of the person that God created me to be, I don't want you to get anything less of that.
I...I'm in love with you right now, as you are, I couldn't be happier just being with you as you are now, but you get the point :P
You deserve so much more.
Baby, I love you. I'm happy to wait, you knew it before you typed this....please pray. Please figure it out. And for me, I'll definitely be living life with God as well. Letting the big guy shape me. There's no hurry, no pressure no nothing.
I'm so glad that we have Him for us. Many people don't get that. Yet.
Thank you for leading, when I couldn't, because I've liked you so much. Thank you for being the person I've asked God for, everything and more.
Thank you for giving me the best memories of my life.
I love you, Rachael.
Not going anywhere and you know it (:
I trust God, and I trust you, and I trust Him for us. And you and me.
I love you. And everything that we're going to be.
Whatever that is, I know I'm going to because...God created me to love it.
I love you, baby. And though I'll miss you, love is more than enough for that. Please be okay about the distance -hug-
I trust your choice.
God, take care of the girl I love for me, kay? I know its a silly statement...but I'm silly.
Make her feel better when she's lonely. Make her feel better when she's sad. Make her feel better when she feels there's no one to turn to, and make her feel better when its hard to be strong.
I could go on forever, jabbing at keys on my keyboard and hoping that each slow jab helps to convey how much I love you.
Been ready for this my whole life, Rachael. Ready for you.
I hope this makes you smile.
I love you
I love you
I love you
Have amazing dreams tonight, have a great day in school, and have an amazing time with God. I'm right here too.
(:
I love you. Everything about you.
Rachael (: (: (:
I love you, Rachael Defoe.
xx
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I love you.
♥
♥
Big important conversation between Me/Ps Vic (About Facebook/Rachael)
Qi En, I hope this does't come across as stern or as a rebuke. I might not have a lot of time with you but every leader is precious to me and I want to see them succeed hence the time taken to write this msg.
You're a person of great influence. I see that a lot and I also hear a lot about you which is why I say that. This is a great thing except that sometimes I realized your influence might not always be positive.
This is also a follow up to Ps Peter's msg which is to not just watch our tongues but also our written words esp on facebook. I have no issue in you having feelings for Rachael (I gather that from your FB walk messages cos I read about it so much.) but I do not think it is helpful to express the feelings in such open channels because you inevitably might cause her to be manipulated and also put yourself under intense scrutiny from others.
I hope you will realize that overtime, this will only cause you and her more harm and it might be wise to stop doing that before something happens. If you truly treasure her, I suggest you do not put her in vulnerable positions where because of your words, her actions are also constantly watched in school and in church, adding unnecessary pressure to her.
What you do also might not be helpful for the younger ones too because they look up to you and they will do the very things that you do when they grow up. Power does come with great responsibility. I hope you will learn that quickly.
I say the above with a posture of love, not of harm. I hope you will consider my words carefully with humility. Will be glad to talk more if you desire to clarify further.
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Keann Chong May 3 at 6:16pm
Hey Pastor Vic,
)x I really really appreciate the message and the intentions behind them, it means a lot to hear that every single leader is precious to you, and also a lot to see it in action just simply by writing this message to me.
Yes, I understand where you are coming from, and I think there are two issues I am dealing with here, that I am struggling with, and I will try to separate the two so we can have a fruitful discussion. I really really appreciate the intent to build me up, and they have been things I have been thinking about.
1. The position of 'great influence' I hold. Pastor Vic, the pastors and La have been conveying this to me on many occasions, and it does affirm and build me up, and I appreciate where it is coming from, but honestly speaking....sometimes it puts a lot of pressure on me. I hope that I'm not coming across as complaining and being whiny, I really appreciate the measure of influence that God has given me, and I try many times to use it for good, whether in a church or school community, but if I could share my heart about it, sometimes I feel very pressured to 'be a certain way'. Because I'm a leader, and also because people look up to me, I know that this is something to give thanks to God about, but at the same time it can make me feel very restricted and afraid that any wrong move I make equates to everyone doing the same, and I don't enjoy that negative part of it.
I hope my words are coming out correctly, I just realised that as pastors you must face this pressure on a greater scale, and constantly, and I probably have no idea how great the pressure can be 24/7.
It is scary, and its something I've been wanting to talk about for awhile, but I've never really had an outlet. Yes, I could have talked to La or Josh about it, but I also don't like feeling weak, and there are always 'things to do', so I have been shoving it down. Thank you so much for allowing me to air it. I'm not quite sure what the solution is, but I'm glad that I have been able to talk about it ):
2. My feelings for Rachael, and peer pressure and culture. Um, honestly I didn't think I was openly declaring my feelings for her that much? Once at the beginning (which was not wise), and last night, and I was hoping nobody would see that, because it was late at night ):
I know it is a rather silly line of thought. If I didn't want anyone to see it, why didn't I just make it private. Well...I have to admit that I like declaring it publicly. I like being sweet in public, and I like both my friends and her friends going 'awww' about it. It is probably foolish, but I do like that a lot, being able to express that publicly. I'm not saying that it becomes a valid reason because I like it, but it is a strong feeling, and I am seeking for understanding, I again hope this comes off correctly ):
Peer pressure...I am someone who loves expressing my feelings for people in public (friends, leaders, or elsewise), and her school...Australian International School, is filled with people who love doing that too. A Western culture. I have always been very comfortable in that kind of culture, and wanting to embrace it, and it gets to be an easier motivation when I get to act like that in a community that acts like that? My head knows that it isn't wise, sometimes, but besides my feelings for Rachael, my heart also take me in the direction of 'this kind of community is where I want to be'. I'm sharing this in the hopes that you can understand my struggles and my life, because honestly...I don't get a chance to do this much. Not with my parents, and with La and Josh, I do feel that they have 'no time' sometimes, and so I'm just grabbing this chance to speak to someone I trust. It means a lot to me that you asked me, and reached out to me, and I hope I'm not being a bother.
But yes. Rachael...I will take your words to heart and ponder them, my initial thoughts are that I never felt they put her in a position of harm because her school people 'want her to get attached', and everyone goes 'awwwww' when they see that.
Reading my own words, it seems like a pretty silly reason, but they also are powerful feelings.
This is also only the issue of being 'public', but I am aware that moving too fast when we are not ready, whether public or private, is a serious issue for us as well. I was reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye last night, I've read it ages before and I agreed with it...but in my current frame of mind, i was like 'D: no i don't want to do that. I agree with some things, but not that D:'
Um, if you feel that I should speak to Josh more than to you about it, because of time, I am okay with that too, but I want to say that I want to submit to your guidance, love and experience, even though it can be hard where feelings are involved.
Thank you so much for the time,
God's Love
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Victor Seet May 3 at 10:18pm
Qi-En, first of all, I apologize for the team (Josh and La) if you feel that they have not had time for you. This was not my impression though but I might be wrong. Do be objective on this. It cannot be a feeling. Do you feel that because you have asked to speak with them on many occasions but they have indicated they have no time or is it just a feeling therefore you do not even try. As far as I know, someone like La, even in the midst of exams, she will sacrifice herself just to hear someone out. I hope u will come to resolve this "feeling". Do talk to me if you feel you are objective about it. One of my key criteria for Pastors and Supervisors is that of time spent with their sheep and I want to hear feedback as well. All these feedback are kept confidential.
Shall we meet up soon even if it's for a short while? I will like to discuss all the above in greater details. I'm free Thurs afternoon if you are free to meet.
You're a person of great influence. I see that a lot and I also hear a lot about you which is why I say that. This is a great thing except that sometimes I realized your influence might not always be positive.
This is also a follow up to Ps Peter's msg which is to not just watch our tongues but also our written words esp on facebook. I have no issue in you having feelings for Rachael (I gather that from your FB walk messages cos I read about it so much.) but I do not think it is helpful to express the feelings in such open channels because you inevitably might cause her to be manipulated and also put yourself under intense scrutiny from others.
I hope you will realize that overtime, this will only cause you and her more harm and it might be wise to stop doing that before something happens. If you truly treasure her, I suggest you do not put her in vulnerable positions where because of your words, her actions are also constantly watched in school and in church, adding unnecessary pressure to her.
What you do also might not be helpful for the younger ones too because they look up to you and they will do the very things that you do when they grow up. Power does come with great responsibility. I hope you will learn that quickly.
I say the above with a posture of love, not of harm. I hope you will consider my words carefully with humility. Will be glad to talk more if you desire to clarify further.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Pastor Vic,
)x I really really appreciate the message and the intentions behind them, it means a lot to hear that every single leader is precious to you, and also a lot to see it in action just simply by writing this message to me.
Yes, I understand where you are coming from, and I think there are two issues I am dealing with here, that I am struggling with, and I will try to separate the two so we can have a fruitful discussion. I really really appreciate the intent to build me up, and they have been things I have been thinking about.
1. The position of 'great influence' I hold. Pastor Vic, the pastors and La have been conveying this to me on many occasions, and it does affirm and build me up, and I appreciate where it is coming from, but honestly speaking....sometimes it puts a lot of pressure on me. I hope that I'm not coming across as complaining and being whiny, I really appreciate the measure of influence that God has given me, and I try many times to use it for good, whether in a church or school community, but if I could share my heart about it, sometimes I feel very pressured to 'be a certain way'. Because I'm a leader, and also because people look up to me, I know that this is something to give thanks to God about, but at the same time it can make me feel very restricted and afraid that any wrong move I make equates to everyone doing the same, and I don't enjoy that negative part of it.
I hope my words are coming out correctly, I just realised that as pastors you must face this pressure on a greater scale, and constantly, and I probably have no idea how great the pressure can be 24/7.
It is scary, and its something I've been wanting to talk about for awhile, but I've never really had an outlet. Yes, I could have talked to La or Josh about it, but I also don't like feeling weak, and there are always 'things to do', so I have been shoving it down. Thank you so much for allowing me to air it. I'm not quite sure what the solution is, but I'm glad that I have been able to talk about it ):
2. My feelings for Rachael, and peer pressure and culture. Um, honestly I didn't think I was openly declaring my feelings for her that much? Once at the beginning (which was not wise), and last night, and I was hoping nobody would see that, because it was late at night ):
I know it is a rather silly line of thought. If I didn't want anyone to see it, why didn't I just make it private. Well...I have to admit that I like declaring it publicly. I like being sweet in public, and I like both my friends and her friends going 'awww' about it. It is probably foolish, but I do like that a lot, being able to express that publicly. I'm not saying that it becomes a valid reason because I like it, but it is a strong feeling, and I am seeking for understanding, I again hope this comes off correctly ):
Peer pressure...I am someone who loves expressing my feelings for people in public (friends, leaders, or elsewise), and her school...Australian International School, is filled with people who love doing that too. A Western culture. I have always been very comfortable in that kind of culture, and wanting to embrace it, and it gets to be an easier motivation when I get to act like that in a community that acts like that? My head knows that it isn't wise, sometimes, but besides my feelings for Rachael, my heart also take me in the direction of 'this kind of community is where I want to be'. I'm sharing this in the hopes that you can understand my struggles and my life, because honestly...I don't get a chance to do this much. Not with my parents, and with La and Josh, I do feel that they have 'no time' sometimes, and so I'm just grabbing this chance to speak to someone I trust. It means a lot to me that you asked me, and reached out to me, and I hope I'm not being a bother.
But yes. Rachael...I will take your words to heart and ponder them, my initial thoughts are that I never felt they put her in a position of harm because her school people 'want her to get attached', and everyone goes 'awwwww' when they see that.
Reading my own words, it seems like a pretty silly reason, but they also are powerful feelings.
This is also only the issue of being 'public', but I am aware that moving too fast when we are not ready, whether public or private, is a serious issue for us as well. I was reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye last night, I've read it ages before and I agreed with it...but in my current frame of mind, i was like 'D: no i don't want to do that. I agree with some things, but not that D:'
Um, if you feel that I should speak to Josh more than to you about it, because of time, I am okay with that too, but I want to say that I want to submit to your guidance, love and experience, even though it can be hard where feelings are involved.
Thank you so much for the time,
God's Love
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Qi-En, first of all, I apologize for the team (Josh and La) if you feel that they have not had time for you. This was not my impression though but I might be wrong. Do be objective on this. It cannot be a feeling. Do you feel that because you have asked to speak with them on many occasions but they have indicated they have no time or is it just a feeling therefore you do not even try. As far as I know, someone like La, even in the midst of exams, she will sacrifice herself just to hear someone out. I hope u will come to resolve this "feeling". Do talk to me if you feel you are objective about it. One of my key criteria for Pastors and Supervisors is that of time spent with their sheep and I want to hear feedback as well. All these feedback are kept confidential.
Shall we meet up soon even if it's for a short while? I will like to discuss all the above in greater details. I'm free Thurs afternoon if you are free to meet.
Monday, May 3, 2010
2 May (night)
Hey God,
I had many thoughts, but after reading Joshua Harris for awhile....I want to kill myself. Uh.
Bleh. He does make sense, but he's denying so much. Stuff like not kissing at all? And not sitting in the same hammock cause of lust?
Uh. I'm not quite sure how you would approve that, and still tell Rachael and I that 'we're okay'.
And yet I get the sense that you do. Except I'm thrown into doubt because of this guy....
And me feeling inadequate. And like 'hey this guy's a pastor and wiser, who am i to have a better idea'.
But at the same time, that's not healthy. But whats the difference between foolishness and confidence?
Trust you?
And you do want Rachael and I to explore this?
I'm scared, Lord. That I'm not hearing you properly. That emotion is getting in the way. But, trust you?
Whether I hear you right or not?
For both Rachael in her life, and I in my life?
Yeah okay (:
Ruin or success is not determined by whether I've listened to you wrong or not. You've still got this. I won't deny my birthright.
(:
I love you God. Thank you. And praying with Rachael, praying for each other, and us supporting each other like crazy today, with our families, very very cool.
Different paths for all of us. What's your will for us? Versus being single and serving God in singlehood.
Be together? Be together and manage that?
I don't sense you saying no.
And that you do want to bless me, and her, but yeah this is mostly for me, with the experiences that I want.
Which is how Joshua Harris and I differ.
Okay. Not a rulebook, but just loving you, and listening to you.
Thank you. (:
Ummmm. I trust you, God. I just do. Show me what that really means, k? Bring us close to you.
Yeah.
But yeah, best day, with the family. Was crazy. Suddenly things are a lot better. And I realised....it could be because I was praying for Rachael's relationship with her mom to improve. And suddenly Dad and I jump up. Whoa. Family movie. Family dinner. Talking like a normal family. Making an effort not to offend, but being able to talk and share life.
And show him some of the person I've grown into.
Just, wow.
Movie was also pretty awesome. Iron Man 2 ftw. Yeah.
Haha. Today was a good day? Thank you God (:
Let's see what today's devotionals say....hmmm.
Okay its not so much what the devotionals say....
But I'm in danger of not trusting you fully, God, because I have an inkling that you'll take Rachael away from me.
That I want to turn away.
And that when I do make the right decision, this will purify and strengthen me.
Okay. That's my focus. Learning to trust you fully. Surrending Rachael to you like Abraham sacrificed Isaac.
Give me a bit of time, God. <3
I trust you about us. Help me trust you more.
Yeah.
Jesus, I love you.
Sustain me please, for tmr <3
And let Rachael and I be a blessing to you.
I know what we're doing in the morning.
Worship (: And seeking God. Your face. And your words. Okay. Help us hear, Dad.
Love,
I get the sense that you are being very patient. Thank you :)
I get the sense that you don't feel what we're doing is wrong, but you don't want me to turn away out of fear that you might think that. To be transparent and bare with you. And you're just encouraging me. That its okay. That I as your son....I instinctively know how to hear your voice and your desire. And its not a path of suffering. And so if it isn't, don't feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not getting any suffering. Self-doubt and second guessing spirituality.
Yeah okay.
This is the way to reach out now, too.
Okay.
Love you God(:
I love You
I sense that you get teenagers. As they are now. Hahhahaa okay. Thank you for the encouragement, God.
<3 Love
I had many thoughts, but after reading Joshua Harris for awhile....I want to kill myself. Uh.
Bleh. He does make sense, but he's denying so much. Stuff like not kissing at all? And not sitting in the same hammock cause of lust?
Uh. I'm not quite sure how you would approve that, and still tell Rachael and I that 'we're okay'.
And yet I get the sense that you do. Except I'm thrown into doubt because of this guy....
And me feeling inadequate. And like 'hey this guy's a pastor and wiser, who am i to have a better idea'.
But at the same time, that's not healthy. But whats the difference between foolishness and confidence?
Trust you?
And you do want Rachael and I to explore this?
I'm scared, Lord. That I'm not hearing you properly. That emotion is getting in the way. But, trust you?
Whether I hear you right or not?
For both Rachael in her life, and I in my life?
Yeah okay (:
Ruin or success is not determined by whether I've listened to you wrong or not. You've still got this. I won't deny my birthright.
(:
I love you God. Thank you. And praying with Rachael, praying for each other, and us supporting each other like crazy today, with our families, very very cool.
Different paths for all of us. What's your will for us? Versus being single and serving God in singlehood.
Be together? Be together and manage that?
I don't sense you saying no.
And that you do want to bless me, and her, but yeah this is mostly for me, with the experiences that I want.
Which is how Joshua Harris and I differ.
Okay. Not a rulebook, but just loving you, and listening to you.
Thank you. (:
Ummmm. I trust you, God. I just do. Show me what that really means, k? Bring us close to you.
Yeah.
But yeah, best day, with the family. Was crazy. Suddenly things are a lot better. And I realised....it could be because I was praying for Rachael's relationship with her mom to improve. And suddenly Dad and I jump up. Whoa. Family movie. Family dinner. Talking like a normal family. Making an effort not to offend, but being able to talk and share life.
And show him some of the person I've grown into.
Just, wow.
Movie was also pretty awesome. Iron Man 2 ftw. Yeah.
Haha. Today was a good day? Thank you God (:
Let's see what today's devotionals say....hmmm.
Okay its not so much what the devotionals say....
But I'm in danger of not trusting you fully, God, because I have an inkling that you'll take Rachael away from me.
That I want to turn away.
And that when I do make the right decision, this will purify and strengthen me.
Okay. That's my focus. Learning to trust you fully. Surrending Rachael to you like Abraham sacrificed Isaac.
Give me a bit of time, God. <3
I trust you about us. Help me trust you more.
Yeah.
Jesus, I love you.
Sustain me please, for tmr <3
And let Rachael and I be a blessing to you.
I know what we're doing in the morning.
Worship (: And seeking God. Your face. And your words. Okay. Help us hear, Dad.
Love,
I get the sense that you are being very patient. Thank you :)
I get the sense that you don't feel what we're doing is wrong, but you don't want me to turn away out of fear that you might think that. To be transparent and bare with you. And you're just encouraging me. That its okay. That I as your son....I instinctively know how to hear your voice and your desire. And its not a path of suffering. And so if it isn't, don't feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not getting any suffering. Self-doubt and second guessing spirituality.
Yeah okay.
This is the way to reach out now, too.
Okay.
Love you God(:
I love You
I sense that you get teenagers. As they are now. Hahhahaa okay. Thank you for the encouragement, God.
<3 Love
Saturday, May 1, 2010
1 May 2010 (night)
So many favourite moments today.
Goodbye kiss, and hug, check.
Night holding you and talking under the -well lack of - stars, check.
Longest sweet make out session, check
Staring at you for the longest time while holding you, check
Bringing God in, God really being with us today, and us knowing, major check.
Thank you so much God <3
Yesterday was like, first kiss, and first time holding hands, cuddling on the bus, holding hands and walking and stopping to kiss. First time on the grass by the beach, first party with friends, making out in the dark, everything.
And the first time holding each other watching Glee. Studying together. Haha. And before that...holding each other watching a movie. Which was ages ago. Hahahaha uh.
Did we hold each other any time between that, God? I can't remember <_<
Anyway. Yeah <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Major dates; 19th Feb, 30th April, 1 May
Telling you I liked you, first kiss, and bringing God in.
Crazy.
Soooo ummm.
Yeah. God. Hi. I love you. Thank you. Thank you for finding me. I asked you to send me a sign of approval, and you essentially did. Told me that you're chill. I mean, Rach and I could be doing something else, but either way, you're happy that I'm happy. Really. Which kinda makes sense, because if I had a son, with a girlfriend, they might do something I might vaguely not prefer, but I'd still be happy that he'd be happy.
I'm so glad. When I held her today. You were there. I mean, you were always there, but I was aware of it today. When I kissed her. When we talked, holding each other, you were there. And I wasn't running away from you. We're here. We're together.
And that's amazing. That really is crazy amazing. Thank you God. For letting me know, over the past couple of days, and the time with you at overnight. And today. And time with Rachael to talk about it.
What was it you told me today?
Yeah. That I don't have to have all the answers to all the issues. The different groups of people. Culture. Truth. Solve the church's problems with boundaries and whatever. I don't have to fix all of those, its fine. But the thing is, honouring her parents.
Yeah. And
Omg. Interruption. I know what to pray for Rachael about. And what she should pray about. That she can build relationships with her mom so well that she can openly tell her how crazy we are about each other, and whether honestly we can get together earlier. For a real, open, relationship. And from there hopefully something can happen. But for that relationship to be there. Yeah
anyway. Um. God, I went up for altar call deciding that yes, the other issues all don't matter, but pursuing you is honouring her parents, and I would like help for that.
Ummm. Chongkai came to pray for me. And of course, he's attached to eunice. It really means a lot to me. A couple that's been together. And a guy I really really respect. From Fuel-up camp. And I was able to share, though I couldn't bring myself to tell him that we kissed already <_<
But I take in faith that he gets it. All us people in relationships. We know. Ahhahaa uh. I shared about boundaries, etc, and stuff. And he said, God, there are a lot of questions marks I keep sending up to you. And you keep sending rainbows down. And each rainbow is a promise of your love? That there is no condemnation. Which you have been telling me. But what he told me about boundaries really helped me to understand that.
Not to take it like a law, which condemns, I get it. But what to take it as?
Boundaries: 1. To help you honour your partner 2. For you to explore other forms of love.
That really helped me. Breathed a sigh of relief. Its not a law that if we don't we die. But really, something that would be cool to try, but if we don't, its okay, you know? Its helpful, its good, but yeah its chill.
Yeah.
Ummmmm.
Rachael and I hung out later. Haha. And it was so, good. Lord. We hung out. with you, and all, and held each other, and just talked about stuff, and it was amazing. And all that. And really shared, and stuff. Mmmm. The best. Bringing you into it really was the best thing. Ever. ohh gosh. Thank you, God.
I realised we never actually got around to talking about honouring parents and not being together though. Uh. Ummm.
I just get the sense, God, that you approve. Right now.
its okay. Um. Okay. Just help me to love you, and seek you, for my own, k? And for each other.
Its pretty simple:
We're in love.
Her parents don't want us dating yet.
So uhhhhhh. Provide a direction, God. Its not about rules. It really is about loving you. Help me love you. Thank you for helping us work out the issue about condemnation. We're not.
And yes. Reason why I focus on you more than Rachael. Rachael is amazing. But she cannot lead me through life!
Only you can. Cause you know. And you're in charge, and in control, and you know everything. Only you can guide me. Rachael can't.
That's why I love you (: One aspect, anyway, and the one I think I want to focus on.
Yeah (:
Ummmmm. Parents....I guess the plan is....yes.
Pray that: she can build relationships with her mom so well that she can openly tell her how crazy we are about each other, and whether honestly we can get together earlier. For a real, open, relationship. And from there hopefully something can happen. But for that relationship to be there. Yeah
Ehhehehe. And uh. Hopefully I can meet her parents sometime. On neutral ground. And give them a good impression of me? :x
Yeah.
But at the same time, boundaries for being friends, the same reason to think about. Not because its BAD....
But exploring a relationship as friends, and love in there, isn't bad either.
As opposed to going straight in. We missing out on so much. Its possible. To explore. Not just go deep, but go wide.
Sorta.
Wisdom Lord, give me please (:
Love. Let tmr be a good day? I'll do the cell thing tmr. Attendance. Cell question. Testimony. Decide what to do with cell (Cerise), worship, journal a word thing. Dance. Hopefully a book.
Yeah.
And message my dad now. Yeah (:
Love you, Dad (God)
Love,
Goodbye kiss, and hug, check.
Night holding you and talking under the -well lack of - stars, check.
Longest sweet make out session, check
Staring at you for the longest time while holding you, check
Bringing God in, God really being with us today, and us knowing, major check.
Thank you so much God <3
Yesterday was like, first kiss, and first time holding hands, cuddling on the bus, holding hands and walking and stopping to kiss. First time on the grass by the beach, first party with friends, making out in the dark, everything.
And the first time holding each other watching Glee. Studying together. Haha. And before that...holding each other watching a movie. Which was ages ago. Hahahaha uh.
Did we hold each other any time between that, God? I can't remember <_<
Anyway. Yeah <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Major dates; 19th Feb, 30th April, 1 May
Telling you I liked you, first kiss, and bringing God in.
Crazy.
Soooo ummm.
Yeah. God. Hi. I love you. Thank you. Thank you for finding me. I asked you to send me a sign of approval, and you essentially did. Told me that you're chill. I mean, Rach and I could be doing something else, but either way, you're happy that I'm happy. Really. Which kinda makes sense, because if I had a son, with a girlfriend, they might do something I might vaguely not prefer, but I'd still be happy that he'd be happy.
I'm so glad. When I held her today. You were there. I mean, you were always there, but I was aware of it today. When I kissed her. When we talked, holding each other, you were there. And I wasn't running away from you. We're here. We're together.
And that's amazing. That really is crazy amazing. Thank you God. For letting me know, over the past couple of days, and the time with you at overnight. And today. And time with Rachael to talk about it.
What was it you told me today?
Yeah. That I don't have to have all the answers to all the issues. The different groups of people. Culture. Truth. Solve the church's problems with boundaries and whatever. I don't have to fix all of those, its fine. But the thing is, honouring her parents.
Yeah. And
Omg. Interruption. I know what to pray for Rachael about. And what she should pray about. That she can build relationships with her mom so well that she can openly tell her how crazy we are about each other, and whether honestly we can get together earlier. For a real, open, relationship. And from there hopefully something can happen. But for that relationship to be there. Yeah
anyway. Um. God, I went up for altar call deciding that yes, the other issues all don't matter, but pursuing you is honouring her parents, and I would like help for that.
Ummm. Chongkai came to pray for me. And of course, he's attached to eunice. It really means a lot to me. A couple that's been together. And a guy I really really respect. From Fuel-up camp. And I was able to share, though I couldn't bring myself to tell him that we kissed already <_<
But I take in faith that he gets it. All us people in relationships. We know. Ahhahaa uh. I shared about boundaries, etc, and stuff. And he said, God, there are a lot of questions marks I keep sending up to you. And you keep sending rainbows down. And each rainbow is a promise of your love? That there is no condemnation. Which you have been telling me. But what he told me about boundaries really helped me to understand that.
Not to take it like a law, which condemns, I get it. But what to take it as?
Boundaries: 1. To help you honour your partner 2. For you to explore other forms of love.
That really helped me. Breathed a sigh of relief. Its not a law that if we don't we die. But really, something that would be cool to try, but if we don't, its okay, you know? Its helpful, its good, but yeah its chill.
Yeah.
Ummmmm.
Rachael and I hung out later. Haha. And it was so, good. Lord. We hung out. with you, and all, and held each other, and just talked about stuff, and it was amazing. And all that. And really shared, and stuff. Mmmm. The best. Bringing you into it really was the best thing. Ever. ohh gosh. Thank you, God.
I realised we never actually got around to talking about honouring parents and not being together though. Uh. Ummm.
I just get the sense, God, that you approve. Right now.
its okay. Um. Okay. Just help me to love you, and seek you, for my own, k? And for each other.
Its pretty simple:
We're in love.
Her parents don't want us dating yet.
So uhhhhhh. Provide a direction, God. Its not about rules. It really is about loving you. Help me love you. Thank you for helping us work out the issue about condemnation. We're not.
And yes. Reason why I focus on you more than Rachael. Rachael is amazing. But she cannot lead me through life!
Only you can. Cause you know. And you're in charge, and in control, and you know everything. Only you can guide me. Rachael can't.
That's why I love you (: One aspect, anyway, and the one I think I want to focus on.
Yeah (:
Ummmmm. Parents....I guess the plan is....yes.
Pray that: she can build relationships with her mom so well that she can openly tell her how crazy we are about each other, and whether honestly we can get together earlier. For a real, open, relationship. And from there hopefully something can happen. But for that relationship to be there. Yeah
Ehhehehe. And uh. Hopefully I can meet her parents sometime. On neutral ground. And give them a good impression of me? :x
Yeah.
But at the same time, boundaries for being friends, the same reason to think about. Not because its BAD....
But exploring a relationship as friends, and love in there, isn't bad either.
As opposed to going straight in. We missing out on so much. Its possible. To explore. Not just go deep, but go wide.
Sorta.
Wisdom Lord, give me please (:
Love. Let tmr be a good day? I'll do the cell thing tmr. Attendance. Cell question. Testimony. Decide what to do with cell (Cerise), worship, journal a word thing. Dance. Hopefully a book.
Yeah.
And message my dad now. Yeah (:
Love you, Dad (God)
Love,
May 1 2010
Hey Daddy,
We kissed today. Omg. thinking about it, typing it, makes me feel so happy. I am so, so thankful, God.
So thankful. Its indescribable. Maybe I'm being silly. But I'm so thankful. Rachael is amazing. And I am in love with this girl.
In love. And we kissed. And sparks flew. The world melted away. All I can see is her.
Its crazy. I'm crazy. Whoa God. Is this right? You're not saying its wrong....just everyone else is.
.
Parents, leaders, the church, etc.
Sigh. But I'm not going to dwell on that for now, God. There is love here. This is happy. Let's not let Satan steal it away? I am so confused, sometimes. But I know that this is good. Love is good.
Doubts and fears are not. Screw them. Get thee away from me, Satan.
Ohhhman.
Yesterday....was the most amazing day of my life. Part 2. The first was....19th Feb. We all know what happened there.
You know what I hate? I hate it when Rachael's friends ask 'how long have you two been going out'. And I'm like..uhhhhhhh.
I hate saying that we're not. I hate saying that we're just trying to be friends. Either way, it feels so loser, cause we're def not acting like friends, we don't want to be, but we're stuck in the middle somewhere and its such a loserish compromise.
But ahhhhh.
I just want to be with this girl, God. I want to say she's my girlfriend. Care for her. Hang out. Belong.
Together.
But. Blehhhh.
But yes she is so amazing. Thank you God.
Crazy.
I still feel her lips. I still feel her kissing my face, neck, touching me, holding me, I never want to be away from this girl.
I want to die, God. Ahhhhh.
She's so beautiful, and so amazing, inside and out.
Yesterday....I met the girl at like, 3pm. And she was gorgeous.
I'm going to remember those memories forever. Cuddling on the bus. Just talking enjoying her. Ignoring everyone else.
Getting off the bus. Her hand finding mine. And I was like 'omg.'
Magic. It just fit. Our hands fit. We walked in sync together. That never happened with Genny. Awkward as.
Yeah. Walking down to the beach, past the houses, under the shade of the trees, holding hands, talking, laughing....mad.
Omgggg. Thank you God.
Just thank you. Can I really wait for this? I don't know ):
Crazy. Walking down the path as the sunlight danced across the path...nearly getting hit by a tree because I'm looking at her so much..
Man.
Magic.
I miss you. Rachael.
And then. Going to east coast. Holding hands. Sitting at the benches. Just lost in her.
I was just lost in her.
Lost.
Perfect day, perfect weather. Thank you God. Grass so green, sea so blue, wind so breezy.
And honestly there's not much I can remember. Because after we started kissing, my head exploded.
I remember holding her. I remember staring at her eyes. I remember me trying to kiss her, nosing her, and she not letting me. Keeping in control. I remember her saying 'we should walk' and I saying 'can I hold you for five minutes more, please'.
And we did. And thenn...honestly I can't remember if we started kissing before or after she traced my face again, and said 'I love you'.
And I said 'I love you'.
Because I really do. It was bouncing around in my head the whole time, the whole week, ages. All the times I was saying I miss you, wishing I could say I love you. Hoping that it really was love. Scared that it was. Not letting myself.
But I do love her. I love Rachael. So much. Omigoshh. We're in love. Thank you God. I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. If not, whats the point. Siighhh.
I'm dying.
And then we started kissing. I think I went in. I'm not sure. She let me. We shared a slow, sweet kiss. A full kiss. So amazing. And then we started kissing more. More. Nuts.
I remember so much of that, its impossible to describe with words. Okay not really. But yeah. Just...finally. Kissing the girl I love. She kissing me back. Leaving me breathless. Face-sucking, we were doing, pretty much. Omigosh.
I love you, Rachael, I love you.
Mad. We stayed there till 530. And then we left. And as we walked back along the same path we came, holding hands....we could not stop stopping to kiss each other. Crazy. She's just as crazy as I am. Maybe more. Nuts. Thank you God. Crazy.
I love this girl.
Siiighhh.
How do we be friends now? Idunno. Crazy D:
Rest of the day was pretty perfect. Ash's party at Davis'. I hope I turned out okay. Thank you God for general acceptance. And hitting it off with the rest. Sorta. I really do want to hang out with them more. You know that I've been ready for this my whole life. Australian, western culture. I've always been ready. The guys, the girls, even if I'm not dating them :rolls eyes:
Crazy. And funnily yeah I do prefer hanging out with the guys. Until I start hanging out with Rachael...
I want to be with her so much. But I also don't want to be stuck to her at parties and such? Yeah. We can be, but we're missing out on so much individually. But yeah. Amazing fun. Making out in the dark. Ahahaha. I can't not. I'd make out in the day, hold her, but I wonder what it'd do for her social life :P
Mad.
Yeah. Help me to get to know the rest of them soon, God. Its insanely fun. Yeah.
Wish I could, but with them all thinking we're going out....and we wanting to go out...but trying not to....
Arrrgh. ._.
Nutters. Shery's party was okay. Pretty meh, honestly. Hahhaa sigh. Wish Rachael was there. But its kay. Got to the mrt late. Made Rachael wait. Never again, okay D: I had good reasons, but yeah D: Waffy is right. I should get there half an hour early. Never make a lady wait. Etc.
Grateful to him for staying.
And it was cool to talk to him...
Yeah. Hung out some with Liyana, Izan, Christian, etc. Yeah (:
Great fun. Quiet, but yeah.
Overnight prayer. Hhahhaa. Umm. God, you and I know, yeah. I was soaking, dwelling in you. Feeling like crap for breaking 'boundaries'. But honestly....isn't that like a law? A law which condemns? Which isn't the point?
Yeah. And so...most of overnight, just soaking. In you.
Thank you that you don't condemn me. I'm not quite sure why, but I know that you don't. I think you approve of Rachael and I, Lord. I really think you do. I hope you do. Your approval means so much D:
Please send your approval in a tangible form? Ish?
Yeahhhh. Disadvantaged and marginalized. Honestly....I wasn't really hugely on fire for them. Uh. But praying anyway. I know that there is a shift in obedience as well. And commitment. And the power of community is right there, encouraging each other on.
Yeah.
Okay. I'm done word vomiting. Long. Hahhaha sigh.
So much happened today, Lord. I'm so happy.
Thank you so much.
Just, thank you. Help me to love you more than I do Rachael. Cause deep down, I know that's what I was created for, Rachael yes, but you first.
Love,
We kissed today. Omg. thinking about it, typing it, makes me feel so happy. I am so, so thankful, God.
So thankful. Its indescribable. Maybe I'm being silly. But I'm so thankful. Rachael is amazing. And I am in love with this girl.
In love. And we kissed. And sparks flew. The world melted away. All I can see is her.
Its crazy. I'm crazy. Whoa God. Is this right? You're not saying its wrong....just everyone else is.
.
Parents, leaders, the church, etc.
Sigh. But I'm not going to dwell on that for now, God. There is love here. This is happy. Let's not let Satan steal it away? I am so confused, sometimes. But I know that this is good. Love is good.
Doubts and fears are not. Screw them. Get thee away from me, Satan.
Ohhhman.
Yesterday....was the most amazing day of my life. Part 2. The first was....19th Feb. We all know what happened there.
You know what I hate? I hate it when Rachael's friends ask 'how long have you two been going out'. And I'm like..uhhhhhhh.
I hate saying that we're not. I hate saying that we're just trying to be friends. Either way, it feels so loser, cause we're def not acting like friends, we don't want to be, but we're stuck in the middle somewhere and its such a loserish compromise.
But ahhhhh.
I just want to be with this girl, God. I want to say she's my girlfriend. Care for her. Hang out. Belong.
Together.
But. Blehhhh.
But yes she is so amazing. Thank you God.
Crazy.
I still feel her lips. I still feel her kissing my face, neck, touching me, holding me, I never want to be away from this girl.
I want to die, God. Ahhhhh.
She's so beautiful, and so amazing, inside and out.
Yesterday....I met the girl at like, 3pm. And she was gorgeous.
I'm going to remember those memories forever. Cuddling on the bus. Just talking enjoying her. Ignoring everyone else.
Getting off the bus. Her hand finding mine. And I was like 'omg.'
Magic. It just fit. Our hands fit. We walked in sync together. That never happened with Genny. Awkward as.
Yeah. Walking down to the beach, past the houses, under the shade of the trees, holding hands, talking, laughing....mad.
Omgggg. Thank you God.
Just thank you. Can I really wait for this? I don't know ):
Crazy. Walking down the path as the sunlight danced across the path...nearly getting hit by a tree because I'm looking at her so much..
Man.
Magic.
I miss you. Rachael.
And then. Going to east coast. Holding hands. Sitting at the benches. Just lost in her.
I was just lost in her.
Lost.
Perfect day, perfect weather. Thank you God. Grass so green, sea so blue, wind so breezy.
And honestly there's not much I can remember. Because after we started kissing, my head exploded.
I remember holding her. I remember staring at her eyes. I remember me trying to kiss her, nosing her, and she not letting me. Keeping in control. I remember her saying 'we should walk' and I saying 'can I hold you for five minutes more, please'.
And we did. And thenn...honestly I can't remember if we started kissing before or after she traced my face again, and said 'I love you'.
And I said 'I love you'.
Because I really do. It was bouncing around in my head the whole time, the whole week, ages. All the times I was saying I miss you, wishing I could say I love you. Hoping that it really was love. Scared that it was. Not letting myself.
But I do love her. I love Rachael. So much. Omigoshh. We're in love. Thank you God. I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. If not, whats the point. Siighhh.
I'm dying.
And then we started kissing. I think I went in. I'm not sure. She let me. We shared a slow, sweet kiss. A full kiss. So amazing. And then we started kissing more. More. Nuts.
I remember so much of that, its impossible to describe with words. Okay not really. But yeah. Just...finally. Kissing the girl I love. She kissing me back. Leaving me breathless. Face-sucking, we were doing, pretty much. Omigosh.
I love you, Rachael, I love you.
Mad. We stayed there till 530. And then we left. And as we walked back along the same path we came, holding hands....we could not stop stopping to kiss each other. Crazy. She's just as crazy as I am. Maybe more. Nuts. Thank you God. Crazy.
I love this girl.
Siiighhh.
How do we be friends now? Idunno. Crazy D:
Rest of the day was pretty perfect. Ash's party at Davis'. I hope I turned out okay. Thank you God for general acceptance. And hitting it off with the rest. Sorta. I really do want to hang out with them more. You know that I've been ready for this my whole life. Australian, western culture. I've always been ready. The guys, the girls, even if I'm not dating them :rolls eyes:
Crazy. And funnily yeah I do prefer hanging out with the guys. Until I start hanging out with Rachael...
I want to be with her so much. But I also don't want to be stuck to her at parties and such? Yeah. We can be, but we're missing out on so much individually. But yeah. Amazing fun. Making out in the dark. Ahahaha. I can't not. I'd make out in the day, hold her, but I wonder what it'd do for her social life :P
Mad.
Yeah. Help me to get to know the rest of them soon, God. Its insanely fun. Yeah.
Wish I could, but with them all thinking we're going out....and we wanting to go out...but trying not to....
Arrrgh. ._.
Nutters. Shery's party was okay. Pretty meh, honestly. Hahhaa sigh. Wish Rachael was there. But its kay. Got to the mrt late. Made Rachael wait. Never again, okay D: I had good reasons, but yeah D: Waffy is right. I should get there half an hour early. Never make a lady wait. Etc.
Grateful to him for staying.
And it was cool to talk to him...
Yeah. Hung out some with Liyana, Izan, Christian, etc. Yeah (:
Great fun. Quiet, but yeah.
Overnight prayer. Hhahhaa. Umm. God, you and I know, yeah. I was soaking, dwelling in you. Feeling like crap for breaking 'boundaries'. But honestly....isn't that like a law? A law which condemns? Which isn't the point?
Yeah. And so...most of overnight, just soaking. In you.
Thank you that you don't condemn me. I'm not quite sure why, but I know that you don't. I think you approve of Rachael and I, Lord. I really think you do. I hope you do. Your approval means so much D:
Please send your approval in a tangible form? Ish?
Yeahhhh. Disadvantaged and marginalized. Honestly....I wasn't really hugely on fire for them. Uh. But praying anyway. I know that there is a shift in obedience as well. And commitment. And the power of community is right there, encouraging each other on.
Yeah.
Okay. I'm done word vomiting. Long. Hahhaha sigh.
So much happened today, Lord. I'm so happy.
Thank you so much.
Just, thank you. Help me to love you more than I do Rachael. Cause deep down, I know that's what I was created for, Rachael yes, but you first.
Love,
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