I only come here when bad stuff happens, evidently.

Today has been hard.
This year has been hard.

My world has shattered three times over already, and I'm not sure how many blows I can take.

Rachael.
Jail.
And now university is slipping out of my grasp.

My father decided to withdraw support for my university education today. All my dreams for going overseas next year - shattered. I know - at least I think I know - that God promised to bring me to Brisbane for uni.

I think.

But I guess He also never really said next year.
I think.

I'm going to be relooking at the prophecies in my life long and hard, I think.
I guess my small comfort is that even when I forget God's promises in my life, He doesn't.

I'm ultimately okay.

I'm in God's hands, and He's a God that loves me unconditionally. Trusts me unconditionally. Loves me extravagantly. Believes in me, and takes joy in me.

I wish I could say the same about my father.
Dad decided to withdraw my university support today because he felt that I can't handle my life or finances. He wants me to work for the next two years first, to prove to him that I can save up $50,000. So he can trust me with the money he'll put in for my education.

Which is not entirely unreasonable.

But two years.
Two more years. I'm looking at finishing uni at 30 now. And I never wanted that. My college life, shattered. I already waited two years being in the army, with the understanding that I was going to go.

And I'm so angry. And so hurt and sad. That I should have to prove myself to my father.
That's not the God I know, that's not the Father I know, that's not the love I should know.

I could have always done the make-lots-of-money thing. I fully believe that I can go overseas and stay there on my own. God will provide for me even if my family doesn't. My God is greater and his riches are more than abundant. I know this. I always have stood on this.

But I wish I had parents that believed in me too. It would be nice to have.
I don't know what that's like. I've spent so much of my life defending myself, protecting myself, trying to make it on my own without my parents. And I'm not entirely sure why I should have to. Not when I've been around other families that are just so nice and healing to be around because man. Its just good.

But that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose. I wish I could trust my parents to believe in me.
But I don't have it.

But I have God. When all else fails, I know I have God.
Time to go be amazing for the next two years, and beyond. Time to make lots of money, and to bless, and to be an amazing success.

But not for my parents. Never for my parents. Not because I have to win their approval, or earn their trust.

Never that. I refuse.

I do this for me. Because I am amazing. And its time to make it happen.
Time to be amazing.

I wish I could have parents along for that.
But I don't, and that's that.

This is never for them. But I'll happily, gladly, prove them wrong. Gloriously.
I don't need your lack of support.
I wish I needed you less, and I'm going to work to.

I don't know if I can ever forgive you. I'd like to one day. Maybe one day I'll look back and grudgingly admit that you were right to do this. Maybe.

But right now, no.
Just no.

Time to go.
Please teach me more things, Lord.
I trust you.

*self-hug*

Why does this day have to start

Woke up this morning with an ache in my heart and a mouth dry with regret for the things I said and didn't say.

I don't like this distance, physically and emotionally. So hard to comprehend that, to try and get better, you'd stay away from me.

And yet this is all my fault. I can't say I didn't do that, Lord. I am responsible. I am responsible for breaking you. I don't know how I can get you to trust me again. And yet at the same time...I don't want to exhaust you. Don't make to make you tired. Don't want to push you to handle more than you deserve to, and you don't deserve to have to handle this at all. I want to know the best way to help you...and have the courage to do so.

Even if that means letting you go.

Have to separate the parts of me that care about you from the parts of me that want you back in my life. Because...its not inconceivable that perhaps the best way to help you heal is...to not be there at all. To let go, and let God and other people handle it. *gulp*

Hard to step back. But I have to be strong enough to separate those two parts of me, because it might be a delusional and selfish notion that I can help you. No. Those are the parts of me that want to be in your life. And they shouldn't be allowed in this place, because this is about you.

And maybe...God wants you to be helped by other people and not me. I don't know, but I want to be open to hearing that. Deep down, I know I want the best thing for you...even if it means I don't have a place there.

/mouthdry.

I don't want you to be exhausted. I want you to be restored.

I will always miss you.

Please God help.

Desperately need You to move.

Help.

Nobody says my name like you do ):

Keann,

I don’t know if you’ll even try to find my blog again but I had to change it last night. God didn’t even have to say the word, I just knew deep down in my gut that I had hurt you and I didn’t want my words to add to that. I know you’ll say you’d rather see it but it hurts me to know that the pain you’re feeling right now is because of me.

Trust me. I know it hurts, because as I’m sitting here typing this out, I remember every single one of those nights where I’ve cried and cried and cried and had my body feel like it was physically aching for no other reason than it missed you. And you need to know it gets better. My friends got me through that, all those painful nights and it scares me to think you might have to feel that too. And you have amazing friends, people that love you so much that they’re just waiting for you to knock on their door. Stop worrying about intruding into their lives because they want you there in the first place and they’re there for you. Especially in a time such as this.

I found that letter you gave me, the one you wrote for your future wife… the one you wrote long before you met me. And I need to tell you I’m not that girl. At least not where I am in this part of my life. But hold on to that letter, because I hope that the next girl you give it to will be the last and that she’ll feel the same joy and happiness I felt at the hopes of a future with you.

I pray, that in all of this you find God. I pray for nothing else for you, because I know that the moment you feel His love rush over you, that despite every ache in your heart you can smile because God’s telling you it’ll be okay. 

^‘ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.’ Matt 6:21

I’m sorry if this letter doesn’t read well but there’s so much I want to tell you and I know that these words will never be enough. But God has more than the words I can ever think or feel. So go back to Him Keann because your heart is so much safer in his hands than mine.

You will always be the one I can say I first fell in love with.

I’ll miss you Keann,

-R

I don't want to give that letter to anyone else but you.

I don't want that girl to be anybody else.

That's the thing.

0000 hours

Longest nine hours of my life. I don't know what to think.

Day -1

Went to church earlier to try and get some dance stuff going. Couldn't do it. So not in the mood for hip-hop, I can't pull up any swag.

Talked with Josh instead, And Joy, and La, and Sapna before. Meeting Josh, La and Joy again later before cell.

I don't know what to do. I just know that I want to call you. Josh thinks I should.

Guess I did. Waiting for that call tonight now.

I'm terrified. I'm so sorry.

Crazy Ex

I don't want to be the crazy broken ex.

Desperation.

Gotta post. Gotta write. Gotta write. Must write. Word vomit.

I miss you. I miss you so much. Its probably irresponsible to say so, but I do. I'm sorry for so much. But I do miss you. Just another typical guy trying to get over a typical breakup with his beautiful but typical girlfriend. Nothing the world will lose sleep over. But its real. To me. It hurts. It burns. Its like my chest sucks in and can't breathe, and it tries, and all its squeezing in is the black thick ooze of regret. I was better before. Went to run last night. Haven't run in months. Couldn't not run. Didn't want to run by your place. Knew I was going to end up doing so, like an idiot. So I did.

Where else was I going to go? I thought about showing up at a friend's, running there, Keenan, Josh, Angie, La, anyone. But I'm not ready to take my relationship with anyone to that level. That level where you're standing outside their door in the middle of the night - creepy. I'm that rational at least.

So I ran. To yours. Like how on multiple nights when I was trying to get over Anna breaking my heart, I'd ride all the way on a bike to Harbourfront to the bus stop outside her condo...sit there for hours, listen to angsty songs and get questioned by the police who think I'm mad. That was five, six years ago. I've never wanted to go through anything like that again. In some ways I think I've walled myself up to never feel like that again. You know how much I try to do things on my own. Handle it. Fix it.

Because a long time ago when I was in a dark, dark place, I had no one. Not parents, and I had no friends. So I learnt how to deal without them.

And now I have friends. Because God is good. But I've tried time and time again to not involve people with my problems because I've found out I don't need them, and I try not to waste other people's time if I can handle it on my own. Why affect anyone else? This is on me.

And then the dam broke after two months of being strong, two months of knowing the reasons why, two months of working not to miss you and then the damn dam broke.

I'm desperate now. I can't do this.

It hurts that you're finding somebody else. It does. Haven't I always said, always told you, always told me, that breaking up means you have to know you have the freedom to go out there? Whether you find someone else or not, I shouldn't ever be a factor in that decision. Don't make me. Go and be free. I still mean it. I have to. It is the right thing. It still sucks.

It sucks so much. And yet I want to know. It hurts to know, I know, I've had practice. Practice carrying a torch for a girl I crushed on for two years that kept telling me about somebody else, and I sat there and took it because I wanted "her to be happy".

And yet, in some ways I'd rather know. I don't know if I should. But I'd rather know. AND TO WAKE UP THIS MORNING AND TO FIND OUT YOU'VE CHANGED YOUR TUMBLR AGAIN ._.

I've lost you. I think I have. And the worst thing is that I started this. I really wanted this breakup. Believed God telling me it was the right thing to do. Struggled with it like a mad person. Finally did it anyway. The same way I believed God telling me it was the right thing to do to tell you I had feelings for you in the first place. I've thought on that, and I still believe that. I can't doubt the voice of the God I love.

Was asking Him in the shower late last night - "Why? Did you tell me to tell her I liked her all those years ago? Yes. I believe that. Then why did all that stuff happen after that? Did you tell me to break-up with her? Yes. But why? WHY IS ALL THIS STUFF HAPPENING NOW."

And I believe you when you say God is doing something amazing in your life. I'm glad. I wish He'd do the same for me. I'm waiting for it. It hasn't quite happened yet but I'm in a place where I'm desperate. Desperate enough to go to cell. Desperate enough to drop on my knees at the altar from start of service till end of service and not care what anyone else thinks about what I'm going through. Desperate to ask a thousand people if they can please talk to me because I don't care about how weak I look anymore.
The spiritually-trained side of me knows that this place of brokenness is a good thing. Is a place where You can come in. But it still sucks.

And yet...I don't understand. If God is being amazing in your life, and you love Him like crazy, why are you going on dates? WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO. Why is that even a thing? I'm sorry. I know that's not fair. God can do anything He wants. I gave you to Him, and if He wants to give you to anybody else well - And its not my right to judge or cross-examine anybody else's walk with God. Or call question to it.
But, a small, tinny part of me, it rails at me and whispers "She's telling you to go spend time with God, and she's going out there and having dates. She just wants you to get better and forget her."

I know that's not fair. I've always tried to be fair. I don't know if I want to be.

Oh goodness.....this is not the way to win you back. Not off some gorgeous confident guy who seems to be doing everything the perfect Christian way and is gorgeous at guitar. Being whiny and broken is never the way to win anyone back.You know this, Keann.

The terribly sad part, is that while part of me wants to jump up and fight for you. Fight for us. Fight for what we had and could have.But I don't know if that's what God wants for us. WHY IS THAT EVEN A THING. WHY DO I WANT TO CARE ABOUT THAT. WHY DO I ): People have told me I'm crazy for breaking up. I THINK I AM.

Why do I have to care about what God wants for us. /cry.

Deep down there is a rational part of me that trusts God and responds to His wisdom. It was there last night when I was finishing my run. I felt better. Happy. Called Angie. Came home, felt better, in a couple of hours everything hit me again.

I don't want to love anybody else. I don't. I don't know if we're the best for each other, but I've given you so much. As have you. We could have made it work. We were talking about it. All those beautiful and silly conversations about marriage, about kids, that you loved and I never got tired of.

And now you're going to have those conversations with somebody else. Have breakfasts with somebody else. Give that special smile to somebody else. Be held by somebody else. Kiss, live, love, share with somebody else.

I don't want to start it with anybody else.
I've built, poured out, gone places with you that I don't want to go with anybody else.
I don't want to have to build again.

And there off you go.

I once said that this is a terrible thing we're giving up, something that looks so good to so many people, but we're trading it in for hope in a higher destiny in God, because if we're not, all this is meaningless.
The words meant something, briefly, last night, post-run.
They seem so hollow now.

No matter how far and fast I run, I can't run away from myself. I come back and all of this is still here.
I still love dance, and I'll love it for the reasons I do, but it still seems hollow.
WoW....please. Sheesh.
The only way I can fill this void is with You, Lord.
Please come.

#icantdothis

Two Years On

Its been two years since I've been hit by any kind of major ironytrain.

Two years since I've felt compelled to post anything. I remember when I started this blog, it was because I was hurting.

I'm hurting now. So this is public again. I wake up in the morning and I don't know what to do and all I can do is write. My old posts scare me. I'll probably look them up sooner or later. And laugh, cringe, cry, give thanks, regret. Probably a lot of the crying. I've spent way too long trying to be strong for everybody else. I can't anymore.

So in my little space of the Internet. Here I am. I don't know where this is going to go. But for better or worse, wise or unwise - I need a space. Enough trying to be a bloody role model.

Can't. Enough.