Realisation

This evening I realized why I desire to be in control of my own life so much.

Because so often in my life, people who have been in control of me and are supposed to use that to love me, have so often used that to hurt me. 

And I'm so so tired of it all. That's why I prefer to be in charge. Because when I am, I can use that to not hurt the people around me that I'm in charge of. I can use it for good. And I'm so proud of that because I often have.

But also because when I hold the cards, I can't be hurt.

All my life syncs up like that. In church, I've always have issues with the idea of giving my whole life over to accountability because I don't inherently believe that someone wouldn't abuse that, even if their intentions were as well as they could possibly be. I have no control of that. And in WoW, I so often gravitate to tank in dungeons because I set the pace, I set the tone, and I can stop people being mean to each other. The moment I go DPS I feel completely at mercy of everything and everyone, and can't do very much about saving a bad run. At least as a healer I can save things to a certain extent. But if I'm the tank, nobody else has to be a shitty-ass one.

I have bad days too. And I've seen me have selfish moments. I'm not WoW-Jesus. I've left groups under the cover of internet anonymity before after I've gotten what I wanted (I'd say rarely, but it doesn't help much in my moral defense.) But...it's on me. I'm in charge.

A few weeks ago, my dad pulled my uni support. So very often in life have my parents pulled the internet, and only recently because I have the power to stream it on my own phone have I gained the control to beat that. Just earlier today, my mom refused to dole out the Xbox controllers - which I never ask for, I play like a few times a year - for my best friend and I because my brother is having Os.

I'm 22. And I told my mate not to come.

This is the thing. If I'm in charge. No one can hurt me except me.

I used to think "Wow, thank God I understand God is not like my earthly parents. That He'll never leave me or forsake me and He's always going to do the best for me - and because He has perfect wisdom I can count on that His best really is going to be the best. He really does know best and it isn't flawed."

But...I guess I can see where so many times in my life, despite me saying that, I can't inherently trust that He really has the best and so I take control. Because I'm so afraid of getting hurt or shortchanged.

Yeah. Keann-is-such-a-cool-dude-isn't-afraid-of-anything is afraid, is so so afraid. Up one to the psych dept.

I'm sorry Lord. I really love You, but I'm sorry that I'm so so flawed and because of that I can't love You properly. And the mad, mad thing is that You love me anyway. I'm so sorry for constantly hurting you without recourse.

I'm so, so sorry.

But thank you (: 

/Hug

I only come here when bad stuff happens, evidently.

Today has been hard.
This year has been hard.

My world has shattered three times over already, and I'm not sure how many blows I can take.

Rachael.
Jail.
And now university is slipping out of my grasp.

My father decided to withdraw support for my university education today. All my dreams for going overseas next year - shattered. I know - at least I think I know - that God promised to bring me to Brisbane for uni.

I think.

But I guess He also never really said next year.
I think.

I'm going to be relooking at the prophecies in my life long and hard, I think.
I guess my small comfort is that even when I forget God's promises in my life, He doesn't.

I'm ultimately okay.

I'm in God's hands, and He's a God that loves me unconditionally. Trusts me unconditionally. Loves me extravagantly. Believes in me, and takes joy in me.

I wish I could say the same about my father.
Dad decided to withdraw my university support today because he felt that I can't handle my life or finances. He wants me to work for the next two years first, to prove to him that I can save up $50,000. So he can trust me with the money he'll put in for my education.

Which is not entirely unreasonable.

But two years.
Two more years. I'm looking at finishing uni at 30 now. And I never wanted that. My college life, shattered. I already waited two years being in the army, with the understanding that I was going to go.

And I'm so angry. And so hurt and sad. That I should have to prove myself to my father.
That's not the God I know, that's not the Father I know, that's not the love I should know.

I could have always done the make-lots-of-money thing. I fully believe that I can go overseas and stay there on my own. God will provide for me even if my family doesn't. My God is greater and his riches are more than abundant. I know this. I always have stood on this.

But I wish I had parents that believed in me too. It would be nice to have.
I don't know what that's like. I've spent so much of my life defending myself, protecting myself, trying to make it on my own without my parents. And I'm not entirely sure why I should have to. Not when I've been around other families that are just so nice and healing to be around because man. Its just good.

But that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose. I wish I could trust my parents to believe in me.
But I don't have it.

But I have God. When all else fails, I know I have God.
Time to go be amazing for the next two years, and beyond. Time to make lots of money, and to bless, and to be an amazing success.

But not for my parents. Never for my parents. Not because I have to win their approval, or earn their trust.

Never that. I refuse.

I do this for me. Because I am amazing. And its time to make it happen.
Time to be amazing.

I wish I could have parents along for that.
But I don't, and that's that.

This is never for them. But I'll happily, gladly, prove them wrong. Gloriously.
I don't need your lack of support.
I wish I needed you less, and I'm going to work to.

I don't know if I can ever forgive you. I'd like to one day. Maybe one day I'll look back and grudgingly admit that you were right to do this. Maybe.

But right now, no.
Just no.

Time to go.
Please teach me more things, Lord.
I trust you.

*self-hug*

Sunday 30/5/10

My dad just gave me $70 to pay for my glasses. I didn't want to ask him at all.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggh.



Raaaarrrgh.

Sigh. I find it very hard to accept it, you know? Though I kinda have no choice. And I do need the money. I just hate having to take things from him. Especially when I'm not already being a very good son, I feel.

I want to take as little as possible from him. I already live under his roof, internet, electricity bill, fridge, microwave, bed and everything, and I'm not even hugely making him happy.

Considering he hates what I do. And I'm not about to give up believing in the supernatural or dance, and considering that I feel led to 1. Focus on dance full-time 2. Full-time ministry after/during that.

I take the sacrifice of not having money, or anything, of having to save, for the sake of my passions. I am really fine with it, its a personal sacrifice that I am willing to make, I just don't want to drag anyone else down with me.

Least of all a dad that I give so little too.

Ahhh ):

I know this is You providing for me, God. You told me: Don't ask for money. I didn't. My mom found out that I didn't have glasses and asked me why, and I said I was waiting for money to pay for it, and one thing led to another. Sigh.

And I was like 'Dad, at least just pay half. $35. I want to pay for myself. I really do.'

Also partly because I don't ever want to be in a place where they say that the only thing I do is ask them for money. I've been accused of that so much in the past, and I hate that. And most of my life I've been quietly choosing to not ask for money because I don't want to accused of that again. When we go for dinners at restaurants and things, I always pick the cheapest things. I try.

Cause I don't ever want them or I to feel that I'm just asking them for money. I've taken enough from them as it is.

I'm crying now.

When I asked to pay for my own glasses, My dad said 'When you have a salary, then we'll talk.'

I could take it in a happy sense that he's providing for me. But I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that he has to bail me out again. I don't want him too. And I know he doesn't want to either. That he probably rather wants to be proud that I can pay for my own things, having graduated and all and should be having a job.

And we both had quietly sad faces. I feel, anyway.

I don't want him to have to endure me, either. I want to do all these things, endure this difficulty, not fight with my parents, and hope they're proud of me at the end of it when they can see the result, you know? I don't expect them to be now ):

):

): ):

Apart from that, today was a good day. Ian Andrews in the morning, prayed for a couple of people to be healed, used the time to invest in a relationship with Roseanne who wanted to come to listen to Ian Andrews and be healed, honoured Pastor Eunice about her leading worship, talked to Justin and Kegan about our dreams for the future and what God has called us to do, and hung out with the Apaches at night. Haven't seen them for ages.

I think I'm going to shower and have an early night. I want to read tmr. Worship. Rest. Swim. And dance at night. Yeah.

I'm actually thankful for what I talked about earlier. I mean, I know it sucks, but I know its an issue I need to face up to at one point or another. That I hate receiving from my parents, that I hate having to ask my dad for anything. I have no problems asking God for anything, I've learnt, thankfully, about everything I can get from Him because His love is amazing, but gah...

I thank you for having me brush up against the issue, Lord.

Ahhh ):

I can't wait for SOZO. I really can't.

Love you God.



Goodnight, You're amazing.

So amazing.

Night (:

Shove Off

Get Thee Behind Me, satan.


I don't have to act with guilt hanging around my neck. I've been completely forgiven. No matter how much you're screaming at me to feel horrible in 'atonement', and to not be 'arrogant'.


I'm forgiven period. I shall act like such, no matter what people think. In joy. Suck it (:


You're my lifesaver, God. Thank you Jesus for loving me

Help

God.

I need healing. Heal me

16 April 2010

16 April 2010

Okay I'm just going to do a quick journal, even though I have a million overdue entries, cause if I keep putting it off I'll never get anything done.


Hahahha.

Today was Stage 52 Ties production day!!!

From the morning, all the way. Make up, rehearsals, chilling, having fun. Its been great.

Many thoughts.


One of the biggest is that I love this stage. I love the stage. Its insane. Thank you God for putting me up to be here. Crazy.


My favourite moment by far is the part JUST BEFORE the curtains open, when everyone's supporting each other, just encouraging, spreading love, trusting, having prepared and worked hard for ages and we're just prepared to go on.

And we can't wait. I couldn't wait, at least.

And at that point its no longer about if you make mistakes you die.

Honestly, production day is one of the biggest cases of forgiveness and love in action that I've seen all my life.

Everyone telling everyone to do their best, but not condemning any mistakes. Its just about putting on a damn good show.

Its just awesome. And so much love in action, motivated by Jesus yes but you don't even have to use His Name.


God, I'm so glad you let me take part in this. I hope I spread your love fine. I know I did, in fact, I know you're proud of me. Thank you. Thank you for showing me so much, and giving me this experience, and learning from everyone else.

Thank you that my first theatre experience was in ACJC, a school that I really really love.


Thank you that you helped me, gave me the courage to pray publicly, not to show off, but really because I sincerely believe it will and did help. I believe the atmosphere really changed and I'm glad we covered it today in prayer. Though i was really scared. And I'm reaaaaalllly scared to do it tmr. Arrrgh.

I hope people can see that I'm really nice, that I really love, that I'm a good testimony -

But at the same time...why do I care about what people think.

Ursh. Very confusing.

I made SO many mistakes in dance. SO MANY.


Haha but yeah. Just many happy juices. I think we all want it to be this way. Let's just be happy, and thankful tonight, I can clean up tmr. Yeah.


I loved how Dionel coached and encouraged us just before production and right at the end. So tactful, so encouraging, so right. I have so much to learn.


Thank you God, for giving us a leader like DIonel.



This whole thing....I really felt a lot of love in action. Idk, I'm a bit frustrated that everyone is condemning each other. Christians can't relate to people in the industry, poly people putting up a defensive barrier against JC people, guys checking out girls as sex objects instead of really getting to know them...

So many barriers. So annoying. And I just want to break it all down with love.

At the same time, I'm aware that I'm getting condemning. Sigh.


But so many people putting up barriers against each other and crippling their love because of that.

And I'm getting tired of keep seeing it, and railing against it, and I'm so afraid that I'm going to crack and just be a grumpy, angry, self-righteous angry old man.


Rahhh God. You know where I'm coming from?

People just don't know, so much ):

I'm sorta aware that I don't know so much either.

I hate really negative people. I hate people who just refuse to learn. I don't hate them, but the attitude really, really annoys me.


Help me to love, and forgive, and to not be self-righteous, God? I know this isn't the way. I'm sorry. Help me to just be humble and happy and chill.


And yet still a contender and a warrior.


Tiriiiinggggg, God.


But today was a really good day :)


So.....I was coming here.


Jessie is gorgeous. Oh dear.

And we're getting really close, I know, I'm trying to hold all the brakes and even that's unfair.


Honestly, right now, I'd rather spend the rest of my life with Rachael.

But, Jessie's so gorgeous, and so attractive, and so crazy.

And a dancer.

Though spiritually angsty.

And I know I'm not being very good with boundaries right now.



I'm just, really glad, that Rachael and I are still friends right now. That I didn't overcommit. I knew something like this would happen ._.




Rachael's...safe. Jessie's exciting and dangerous.

I knew something like this would happen. Its like the basis for all cheating ._.


Gah. I just feel sorta guilty that Rachael isn't feeling the same. And wanting to pull back, say a cute guy friend that she's just met.


Or she could just not be telling me about that, thinking I'm pining over her too.

Entirely possible.


Entirely possibly not.



Ahhhhhhh.


I suppose the course of action is just to be good friends with Jessie. Which will be hard and dangerous. Because I can like her so much.


And all that.


But yeah. Friends friends friends friends friends. I see the reason for it.



I don't know everything, Lord.


I really don't. I surrender, teach me how to love, how to be.



Roaaaaaaaaaar.


Thank you for everything, Lord.


Thank you for dying for me and making everything good for me.

I love you :)


Give me wisdom.


Love.

7 March 2010 - Leaders Advance

7 March 2010

Haha Hello God. How are we? Hopefully I'm starting journalling again. I want to. I want to do thissssss. Firstly, thank you for the good night's sleep that I've had, it was really comfortable, even though I wanted to use the floor, it was so fun! Haha. Crazy.

Well, I don't know where this journal entry is going. But. Its impt to start anyway. Ahhhh.

You'll Come
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

Well. Woke up this morning. Was pretty happy. And missing Rachael like crazy. Haha. Esp after I logged on Skype and she was there. Ohhhhh mannnnn. She's so beautiful. And so sweet. And she likes me. Its nuts. Am I allowed to gush here? Might as well. Her eyes, her hair, her face, her smile - its impossible not to look at her during service, and I'm fighting to not, and I'm pretty aware that she's fighting to not as well, and we're hardly talking, but its comfortable in a 'omg i'm dying here' kinda way. Haha sigh. We hardly talk during service, and already 10 minutes after that I miss her like crazy. This is nuts. I know its infatuation. It feels right. And she's sooooooooooo amazing, God. So small and amazing, and tender, and nuts, thank you? Haha. Ursh. I really do miss her loads. This is pretty crazy. We still only do goodbye hugs. That's our only point of physical contact. So that's like, once a week, because I think we're pretty determined to not take time out to meet each other, esp when we're so busy, and we're trying to be just friends. Its nuts. But weirdly enough it helps loads. its something to look forward to like crazy, and it really encourages me/us, that little bit of contact helping to keep us going - i honestly prefer it to Sam and Hannah not touching at all, but them being wayyyyy closer with words and all. I mean, I don't want to comment much. But we do function differently. Rachael and I hardly phone talk. I think we know what it'll do. Hannah and Sam phonetalk loaddsssss. Haha well. And of course, Rach and I are public. They're keeping it a secret. I think we're watching each other to see which is more beneficial, though I do prefer mine. It means I can be honest, with leaders/members/whoever, and share about how this relationship is pointing me to God and his wonderfulness and the magnitude of his love a little bit more, when God reveals stuff to me and hits me - very cool. Haha.

Last night at the end, I felt God prompt me maybe to release to the public the understanding that He'd been revealing to me, you know, now that someone likes me, and I like that person back, and we're insane over each other, and missing each other like crazy, and how that's just a tiny fraction of how God loves us, in a take-my-breath-away-gasp kinda way - man. I thought I knew God's love. Haha.

Well, I was prompted to release it? But thought I better talk to Ps Josh first. And he advised me that it was more for myself at this point. I see the wisdom there. Haha. And he used the opportunity to drive home the point that who do I love more. Rachael or God. And of course its God. But what do I do about that. Which made me kinda meh ;/ - why are you using this time to drive home a point - but I get it. I get the value and importance of the lesson, and him seeing the opportunity to, and how I can do that in the future to others as well. Even though it does break the flow of emotion. Hmm



Well yup yup. Lots happened from after service to this morning. Lotttsssss.

Arrrgh. Rachael. Missing you lots. Missing your cannonballs. Its so funny how now when we do get those hugs, they fail a bit because we are so eager we actually hit each other, instead of an embrace, but we don't get a second try of course :p

Owelllll. This is worth it though. So worth it. Ahhh. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I'm an idiot. Haha. Shucks.

I was pondering how Sam 'forbids' Hannah to do certain things, or really pushes her to do her work? I mean, me and Rachael have had mini situations like that already, 'ahhhh I need to do my work' moments, but I don't do that? I mean, I never want to be that kind of guy. The order-you-around kind, even if its for your good. Whether we're together or not. Oppressive is :/ That's an extreme though. But usually what I do is that I remain open. I'll gently say 'go do it', but if its hard, I understand, and I'm here anyway. Y'know. Its the person I always wanted to be. Available. Supportive. Its not saying I can't give orders, but I see the value in not. I hope this doesn't mean I'm not a 'take the lead' kinda guy. I'm just more accepting. Haha. Weeeeeellll. Me and Rachael are more like ":p" than serious, but of course, that's because Hannah/Sam and Rachael/I function differently, I vaguely think on some level that 'we're more fun', but that's such hubris. Ugh. haha.

I'm sure we have fun on different levels that appreciate the world to us on that level (:


Yeahhhhhhhhh. Course I'm talking about all of this instead cause I want to avoid talking about last night :/ Bleh. Sarah bleh. Hannah bleh. I mean, good but bleh. Mehhhhhhhhhh.

Was absolutely crushed last night. Which made me feel even worse that I was getting crushed. Which crushed me more. Which made me feel ever worse - y'know. The cycle. Haha sigh. it was really bad. It felt reaaaaaaaaaalllllly bad. I was so disgusted at my ' lonely in a crowd' symptoms, I know most people go through that sometime, but I guess I've prided myself for a long while, and thanked God that I don't go through that? So when I did, I had no idea what to do. Just felt really really bummed. And lonely. And wanted someone to say hi. But idk.



I think Sarah's really really cute. Haha. I mean, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be with her, but she's really, really, really cute. And new too. That's intriguing. I really love forming new 'brilliant magic best of friends' friendships. And I guess she's someone I feel I can build that with. I mean, she's really cute, and bouncy (which I love), and passionate for God, and yet serious in the cutest ways. Haha. Yes I know I like Rachael. I multi-crush. This is normal for me. But its what we do about it that matters! And I love using attraction to build a friendship. And it was only happening on some level, but not the powerful insta-magnet thing. I mean, lots of reasons. Leader setting means I can't be as physically affectionate? I mean it only as a friend, but most of the leaders don't do the hugs and whatever thing, so I don't want everyone to think that I'm only hugging her. Though she does do hugs loads. And of course lack of opportunity to grab her, bring her someplace crazy, pair up, partner in crime, and sit and talk the night away. Discover each other. Silly I know. But that's how me and Hannah started out. I love that.

And she's sooooooo coooool. But its not happening. Haha. I mean, its great that she's talking to the other people. So close to La. Close to Marcus Cheong, Chill in general. Also, very wise. I suspect that she is intentionally staying away from my efforts a little bit because she wonders if I like her, and she wants to keep that distance. Which is cool but meh :/

But she's sooooooo coooool. Ahhhhh. Usually another defence I have, is just removing myself from the situation, and hanging out with everyone else. Y'know. Live my own life. But I guess relative close proximity over the past couple of days, leader stuff and advance and all. Yep. I guess I'm just not used to the 'rejection'? Couldn't understand why its happening. Its happened before with....Olivia, but everyone's different of course. Oli is more on the extreme spectrum of 'I don't get you'. Haha. Though I think she's really cool. But owell.

On some level, there are probably people that think that about me as well, and want to dearly hang out with me, but I don't see that. And its not because I have any malice towards them. :/

So :/


Rarrrrhhhh. But yeah. The (very small) Sarah thing was a huge bummer. And of course, Hannah. I love the girl. I really really do. I am insane over the wonderful person that she is, I love the way she talks, thinks, interacts with everyone, her amazing heart for God, her responsibleness, her sincerity, her singing, so much. She's just so amazing. And we do click. It just absolutely explodes my day when she does something for me first, like that reconciliation email, or the little simple note she drew for me right after I finished sharing at Advance. She's so amazing. I love her sooo much. And I really appreciate how she came clean with how she was judging me and stuff and as so stayed away from me. I would put aside a lot of time for her, just to spend time with her, and listen to her talk, and interact. Partners in crime. Y'know.

I'm just not sure if she wants to, all the time. I mean, we're good now. I really love that. But esp yesterday night, I wasn't sure how much she wanted to talk to me, I'm just waiting, watching signs, when I'd love to talk to her forever. Talk about the Rachael/Sam thing. Life. All of that. Be silly. Y'know.

And I guess when I see Hannah and La being close, or Sarah and La being close, I do get a bit :/ as well. Feel left out a bit. Wish I had that closeness. Haha. Very silly. But yeah.

And so last night, when both those things happened, I was absolutely crushed. But that wasn't the trigger. The trigger was when.....we were gonna go for a second game of polar bear. We came back. And suddenly there was serious situation. Eunice Pastor Josh, Vic, La, and other people huddled in a corner talking about very serious stuff. I get that. I know what it was about, and that it was pretty serious. But I was also quite :/ about it, felt left out on some level, and how everyone just split up, the whole fun atmosphere changed, people broke up into little groups, Pearl and Cerise off talking, Kylie and whoever listening to music, and I didn't know what to do. It was pretty clear that we weren't going to play again.

I hate it when things fall apart like that. And I don't what to do. Where to go. Who to talk to. And I'm just going to sit there and stone at myself and God, wish I was someplace else, had music, wish someone would engage me, and wonder why I'm reacting like that when I'm supposed to be mr social natural guy. Which just makes me feel bad.

Its cause its a social situation where I'm not on top. I'm not in control. And because if that, I'm not comfortable to reach out and go 'hi, who are you, c'mon, lets do something reaaaaaaaaaaaallllly crazy'. Or something. I mean, I don't NEED to be on top, but I think generally in my life, I build social situations around me because of the security that is there. And the freedom. Etc. I hate putting myself out in situations where I might get owned for it. Lots of this is from secondary school outcast situations. And I've learnt, that I don't want to tag after no one, not really? Cause you never know when they'll leave you behind. Cept God. Which gives me the freedom to go live life cause God's got my back.


Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. So I was just off feeling pretty miserable. And of course I reacted. Went emo. Stared at the water on my own. Wished someone would talk to me. Walked alone, was very quiet on the way back. At the same time, I'm aware that when I do that, people are afraid to come talk to me. Or are like 'what's going on'. I know. Self-pity doesn't help anything, I went through a ton of this in sec 3/4. And probably didn't make Sarah's opinion of me any better, the sudden mood shift. Usually I'll play it off saying "i'm tired". But I trust these guys, these leaders, I don't want to lie like that. Meh.


So that was me.

Got home pretty miserable. Made my emo music playlist. Lots of it old music from 2005/2006 when I was going through a very hard time with the Anna thing, and a girl named June gave me a mixtape for my birthday, and it really helped me survive. Clung to that music like crazy. Put that on again, and just cried in the darkness of my room. Cried and cried and cried. I wanted to. I know God loves me. I know its pretty silly. But it was one of those "God I know you love me. Please let me cry", as opposed to "God heal me I'm broken I'm crying". Yeah. Just wanted to tap into those emotions I had been repressing. Yeah.

And that was good. Melodi Ghui was online. Saw her on skype, with a '):' sign. And was like. 'Hey, I can talk to her. And reach out to her. Take care of her, ask her how she's doing'. Because I do want to help her loads too, and in that moment, I can really appreciate if I'm feeling like crap, just how much someone popping up and noticing and asking how I am, esp someone I really trust, can help. And so I wanted to do that for her. And it makes me feel better about myself that even while I'm emo I can help other people, that I'm pushing through, because God loves me and God loves her.

In hindsight, it probably helped that she was a girl. Or idk. Not really. If it was a guy on my skype that I trusted going through crap, I would have gone too. Keenan, Angelo. probably....not Josh Simon. He's not much help in these things. That one, I just have to wait till he gets better, not help him. Not much anyway, you can do, when someone just flat out doesn't want to think about things.


Anyhoo. Yeah. Mel and I talked. Supported each other loads. This was till 430 am. I got home at like 3. That was good. Still pretty bum, but feeling better. My playlist had changed from Emo Songs to Kristina Debarge to full on Michelle Branch. Optimistic, yet neutral, 'it will get better' stuff. Yepppp. Then I went in the shower. And God hit me right there.

Told me "I'm not letting the Sarah thing happen, or the Hannah thing happen again, its not that they don't like you, or you're doing bad, but I'm just not letting it happen. Because the last thing you need right now is to do what you usually do. That crutch. Its a brilliant relationship that you can form, I know you see the value there, but I want you to see the value in guy relationships too (which I still don't understand, but I appreciate that it is there somewhere). So I'm not letting the 'insta-run' Hannah/Sarah thing happen, I want you making friends with Ben, Dom, Jose, etc. There's loads of value there too."

And it all made sense. Like tons. And it was like a light dawned and I got why I was going through all of that crap. I mean. Could God have hit me with that wisdom early on during the night itself? Or saved me the crying? Yeah, but it might not have that big an impact, because I didn't feel it powerfully. I was broken. Really. Trusting God, but broken anyway. And I do get the lesson. I mean, of course I still would love the amazing lights exploding relationship with Sarah/Hannah, but I appreciate it. And I figure the guy relationships will happen. I mean, its what I shared during the adv sharing as well. They know I'm still trying to figure that out. I asked for help. And I guess that it helps loads that I don't have the automatic run-to-security option.


Haha still wish that Hannah/Sarah something though. I do love them dearly. Yep, even Sarah, though I've hardly met her. Its how it works for me. I notice someone, I've got their back all the time. Even if we're distant. Nat Ghui, other people. I watch out for them. I do. I love them. Its a choice, and sparked by God. I usually know these things are God-created because of some impact I can deal there. And for me as well. And sooooo I pay attention. Yeppppp.

Sarah's so cool. Haha. She really is.


Mmmppphh. Haha. Think I'm gonna close the entry here. I have a couple of backdates I have left to do, 2 or 3, but I think not in this entry. Its pretty loooooooooong. Glad I did it though. Gonna put this in the blog, of course. And give Chrystella access. Hi La. Haha.


Well (:


Hope I do my report today. Ahhhh. I HAVE TO. BUT ITS SO HARD. GOD ):


Love,

Bus love melancholy, that sounds like a song

So. Finally writing again. Typical how it takes love melancholy to make me do this, instead of epic events, or epic life-shattering encounters with God, of which i've had plenty of over the past few months.

Life has been...interesting.

And I really should have taken all of it down huh. Haha. Ah well. Lets not dwell on all of that today, lets just dwell on...today.



I feel lonely again. Well, not in the same way as before, its not the nobody-is-there-for-me loneliness, or anything, God is here and he's fixed that (somewhat), thank you Dad. I'll never be alone, I always have you to talk to, rant to, turn to, et-cetera...

And yeah. I've always been so okay with getting affection from those around me in my life, the girls especially, who are okay with hugging and all of that.

I'm cool with that.

Its Day Two of Zul telling me firmly that I should be holding off doing that, hugging, being so tender, etc, with Nadia. And Shery and Val. Because of the whole boyfriend thing. Its not wrong, I fully agree, and I probably needed an incentive anyway to stop being so physically affectionate (inappropriately, as Pastor Josh would say) with girls anyway.

Yeah. We'll figure out girls sometime, but firstly, girls with boyfriends are off limits.

However, folllowing that, and being reminded every second when with them, great friends that I love (who wouldn't turn me down), that I'm not going to do that, hugs and tenderness and stuff, really reminds me that I don't have someone of my own to do that with.

So that's the part that bothers me now. The lack of a girlfriend to hold, to be with, to caress tenderly, to love, etc. I used to do that with all girls, you know, friends, i'm okay with it as long as they're okay...but now that I'm drawing back from that -

Going on bus rides are awesome. Haha.

Well anyway....not wanting to dwell on this topic further. But disappointment, and God saying He'll always fulfill his promises...

Idk. I was made to love. And there was nothing inappropriate in my mind when i do these things. Just wanting to love, and find a connection there, between friends.

Just that girls with boyfriends are off limits, just as most girls i know in church are.

Haha.

Help me to learn to love and connect through other ways as well, Lord (:

Okay, later

Oh charr

Fearless

--------------------------

----------

There's something about the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There’s a glow off the pavement
You walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah

We're driving down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly making me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why when with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless


------------------------------------

So here we are. And I hardly know you but I've realised that in the past three years and with all the people I've met and hugged and said hi and loved and jumped around crazily with and worked and teared and stayed up and stayed out and stuck with and defended and wrote to and danced with and all the other amazingly wonderful things i've done with everyone that has made school and life the best I could be lucky to have-

No one compares to you.

You're not spectacular. We hardly do anything together. We don't talk, we say hi bye, we lead our separate lives, but I keep coming back to this point and saying

I've never met anyone like you

I'd never do that to you, of course. Never ever, not in a million years. I love you enough to not drop that emotional bombshell on you.

But god I love you.

And that's why I'm okay with letting you go.

I've lived my whole life since meeting you not being with you, I can do that a few years more, I can do that a few years forever, the world I've built around me won't come crashing down with the loss of you.

But it would be nice.

My life doesn't know your life. Your friends don't know my friends, we live and eat and sleep and travel to entirely different places and social circles at different times and you knock yourself out silly trying to get an education besides all the other wonderful things you do and I do the same over here trying to be with everybody at once and hold everything together, academics not withstanding.

I'm perfectly happy over here running from crazy project to crazy project with nutter friends and juniors that make my heart melt and church in between, managing slipshod finances, guitar and dance, sneaking a starbucks, dreaming about clothes and shoes and beaches and scribbling little thoughts on scraps of paper.

There's no time in my life for you, not with everybody else I'm hard-pressed to hang out with already, Josh, Keenan, Adin, Pris, Shery,Sarah and everyone else I'm not going to say here before you're the only person not on the list, life is wonderful trying to scramble from breathtaking individual to wonderful soul.

But god I'd like to try.

And your life is largely as crazy and nutters and drive-anyone-else-up-the-wall as mine, except I don't think you'd like to try.


And so we have nothing.

This is silly.

Bummer.But its all good. Later, beautiful person.



Keann exits stage left

Put them headphones on

I'm hurting. Hard. I'm trying not to, but its still here/there/everywhere.

Why God. I mean, I get it, and I think I get the reasons why, but why ):

I don't need this. Sure I'll get outside classes, because dance is what I crazy love and want to do, but from dance three times a week for hours to outside classes an hour a week for 15 bucks?

This blows. It really does. I'm so happy for cherie, and josh, and charmaine and everyone that is in dance, but this sucks


Gaaaah God ):


I want more sad songs.

Well this is one note i'm pretty definitely sure I'm not posting on fb...

Idk. Its embarrassing. To want something everyone thinks I already can do, or thinks I should do, and then fail it after trying too late.

And then those around me who are in those things will feel bad.

Idk. Sucks. Who comforts the comforters?

I'd love to cry but my brother is in the room and my family's in the house.

And out there there are a million people that I have to be strong for. Cheer up. Comfort. Be there. Calls. Bus rides home. Dinners. Letters, cakes, presents, prayers.

I don't know. I'm tearing up. I'm not that strong. I'm not that happy. I go through a million doubts and comparisons about how I'm not good enough, for radio, for journ, for dance, and lets not get started on music.

I'm really happy for my talented friends. I really am. But what the hell am i to do about myself.

I'm not that strong God. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even hearing you right anymore. I trust you but I don't trust me.

Fuck, I'll probably end up posting this up after all. Some kind of psycho complex I have about maybe people suffering in silence drawing strength from my struggles.

Gee. But I don't have a solution. Whats going to happen after this? I'll probably talk to God. Rest, dwell in him. Go to church. Smile. Genuinely. Life is good there, a system not based on merit or how good you are, how talented, how riveting or possibly funny or efficient or a beautiful writer. There is love all the same.

I don't know. Its hilariously funny how I can be at other people's problems at a shot, and listening patiently for hours on end even if she says just two words during that time. People share, people open up, I love listening, and I'm grateful that they trust me so to open up to me, and I thank God that He's sent me there to certain people, more than once, at least maybe its something I can do right.

Backtrack. The hilariously funny bit is that I can hardly open up to people myself. La is always there, I'm sure, and friends are around, but I can't. And its hard for me to say that I can't open up to people myself.

I'm not even sure what the point of all this was. I started this talking about dance.

I guess somehow, I wish someone would shower the same kind of love and attention that I'm willing to shower on someone that I'm comforting, or trying to be a friend to.

Asking for it however, completely defeats the person. But I kinda know how I'd like to be treated, that's how I know what to do around people.

But it never comes.

Which is retarded in a way lah, because we're all different people and we all do things differently. But yeah. God. I know you're there, and I thank you for it, but sometimes I'm just so tired of falling, looking at You, being strong, comforting others, falling at some point again, and having to look at you again.

You're great, but i wish there was a human, some human out there. Someone I could trust. Someone who'd be willing to throw all her time at me, someone that I can be with and be the little scared immature kid I still am deep on the inside, without having to watch myself to take care of my friends, etc.

I want the phone to ring, and a voice come out saying "Hey, how are you." And spend hours on end just waiting for me to open up, the way I'm willing and sometimes do for those around me.

Not that I'd ever say any of this out loud, huh. Attention seeking.And looks stupid. And asking for it completely defeats the purpose, again.

Ahhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


God, who will be my nanny? Haha sigh shucks.

But you know what. I'm praising, i'm worshipping you anyway. I do. I want to(: And whatever my problems are I guess they'll all fade away in the moment of You.

You deserve it anyway. And I'm happy to, because I love you. No matter what I feel on the inside. I might jump a little less, feel exhausted a bit more, but I will stand when I am called.

I'm here, I guess. Love you Jesus Christ (:


Weeeeeeeeeeeeellll.

Dance ):

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

----------------------------------


I might close this soon. What's the point, right.

Popping In

For the first post of the new year:

Just back from Zouk and I think clubbing is really retarded. Thanks. Its a travesty to all dance. Bobbing around in a massive pressing crowd trying to look cool with a fake smile plastered across your face for four hours hooting randomly with the crowd at predictable song intervals.

Jeez. Seriously. BOBBING FROM ONE FOOT TO ANOTHER (x13412341235 people) WITH NO SPACE FOR ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT GRINDING IS NOT DANCING. YOU'RE RUINING PERFECTLY GOOD HIP-HOP SONGS.


I literally. Had no space. To do anything. Which completely blows.

Now we know why you absolutely have to drink to get high and have fun in a place like that. Its absolutely maddening otherwise.


Which is too bad because some of the girls are really really hot. And I'd love to go over and make friends and try to dance with them (I mean really dance), but every single guy (in a ratio of 15:1) in the place making a beeline to and around those (and any) girls in the place to get some action really just makes the whole thing very sad.

And predatory.

And the whole time bobbing around trying to squeeze past each other to get to said girls.


I love a good dance floor as much and probably more than most people but jeez that isn't no dance floor, that's an idiocy-fest.

I'm sure its really fun for most of you, I'll take your word for it, but...sigh.


I'll spend my friday nights at the Esplanade Underground really dancing, from now on, if I want to.


And the next person in earshot that goes "Omg omg I really can't wait we're going clubbing tonight we're going to DANCE", I am going to body tackle in a scream of rage, God help me.


Okay maybe it just sucked because there literally was no space to find my own dance floor to carve out OR like-minded friends to dance/battle/coordinate it out with.

In that sense ZoukOut would probably be much better.


I did find my own spot at some point, had to break away and go to the back solo away from my friends who were having fun, but it gets tiring after awhile really going nuts really dancing without friends (e.g. Adin) to cheer you on/krunk it out with you.


Such a perfectly good waste of good music.


And no it wasn't my first time. I just gave the other times the benefit of the doubt.


Also, I don't like alcohol.


Did you know that it really got so sian that for long protracted periods of time I was PRAYING on the dancefloor because talking to God was just so much better than all the sadness going on around me. Which I suppose is a good thing :/


Ah well. Guess I deserved it, for not honouring my parents about going. Haha God *sheepish*


Losing myself in worship and talking to God is so much more awesome than anything on the dance floor+alcohol can do. I'll be a fool for God, not for alcohol and Katy Perry.

Haha well learnt my lesson, God (:


(I have the credibility to talk about this because I DO dance better than a majority of the people on the club floor. And only because all the real dancers came to this conclusion early before I did :/)

So much more to say but I'll leave at here for now I think.

Goodnight/morning, off to school to sleep/meet Genny. PR! [:

Changing

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

--------------------------------------


I would just like to say that right now my two best friends in the world are Khalisah and Deborah.

I don't know how they managed to drop into my life.

But god I love you two to bits, I've only known you for a short time only but Elle I can talk to you about EVERYTHING that is uberly complicated and I KNOW you're always on every night like you have been for the past 4 nights so we can have the awesome brain-exhausting convos we always do :D

Looveeeee. Haha. Where have you been my whole life(:


Deb, you're nuts. Haha. I don't know how it works, but its like I really envy your perspective on things and your ability to just let loose with your emotions and feelings and views and I'm learning to do that from you too, not keeping stuff in because "its wrong" or "its bad" or "i should be more mature".

Ahhhh. Thank you crazy person, I love you to bits. I just want to sit on a grassy field in the middle of the stars till forever chilling with you. And then dance :D



To everyone else: Its not that recently I've been going through an emo bout, I actually feel like this 50% of the time when I'm not high or happy or inspired, its just that I never felt it was okay to be this way in public, I subsist between two extremes all the time. No point depressing other people with my shit right.



Yeah well, I deserve to be stupid as well right. Everyone else is. Screwwwwww it.



I may be setting myself up for hurt but I don't care. I've been living in fear and "intelligence" for far too long.

Arrrgh.

And here's another note.

FIRST.

This isn't mine. Its by a girl, Sherylene, she's two years younger than me, but I discovered that she posted this really awesome long note not two hours after I posted mine.

And its freaky how we talk about the exact same thing.

Its so cool to see her perspective on it! Its different, but the same, and so beautiful anyway. Also, hers seems more intelligent. :o


Enjoy(:

------------------------------------

Dear You:

I'd just like to say that I'm yearning for you. Oh, and that this sudden surge of emotions just cannot be properly justified with mere words.

To give, oh, to be able to give without a care in the world; to be given the opportunity to love with abandon, to be able to throw caution to the wind, to flip my hair over my shoulder -perhaps remove that stray hair caught in my berry cherry lippy- and saunter towards you, wrap my arms around you, to make up for a lifetime of longing, a lifetime of wasted moments that passed by without you.

I want to be able to wake up, blink at the crimson rays of light bleeding through the curtains, to find you smiling down at me. To feel your tender kiss on my forehead just after we fall asleep after a night of loving. To feel your warmth envelope me when the world is too cold to bear.

I want to waltz with you, in pajamas, in my bedroom, when no one is looking, to Arielle Dombasle. I want to skip with you, in denim overalls, clutching a tattered teddy; not giving a damn as to whether anyone is staring. I want to play at cops and robbers after dropping by 7-11 to pick up a couple of Red Bulls, candy and a toy gun or two. I want to run around your room, screaming, with you chasing me around with a pillow, and when I'm tired of that, for you to catch me in your arms as I fall.

I want to share an umbrella with you when it's pouring, sharing a green tea latte from Starbucks, waiting for the storm to subside so that we can return to our original positions without getting soaked. Same goes for the harsh stabs of reality. I want to be able to be with you whenever things get hard, and especially when things couldn't be more perfect. I want to share my life with you, knowing that you're wanting everything I want with you too.

I want you to teach me how to ice skate, and laugh at me when I fall, but to pick me up later and tell me that I did great, and that you think I look cute when I'm screaming and complaining about my little scratch that I call a severe wound that needs to be rushed to the A & E.

I want to kiss you, I want to love you, and I want to miss you every single minute that you're not with me. Yet I want to be able to be away from you for days and not have to worry, for you'll always be there, always be waiting, always be loving.

I want to feel your butterfly kisses just below my eyes; I want to feel you close to me.

Whoever you are, just know that I'll constantly be enthralled by your presence; by your foolish antics.

I love that your sole purpose is our happiness, and I love you.

Til our acquaintance, amor,
I wish you love.


----------------------


(: (: (: (: (: (:


Sweeeeet. We should all do stuff like this. I really enjoyed reading that(:

Letters

And to you:

Hello. I don't think I've even met you yet, maybe I have, I don't know, but chances are that if I am meant to be together with someone for the rest of this life, you're alive and well right now and running about the same world I'm in, we just haven't met yet.


Logically speaking.


Haha well. Yeah. What is there to say. I miss you.I miss you already, even though I haven't met you (at least I think I haven't, and if I have could you please tell me so my life can be spared all the complications of its current state).


I miss you. I miss connecting with you, I miss laughing with and at you, smiling outside and inside at your smile, your sparkling eyes, your dimples, your wavy hair, drinking every aspect of your physicality in with wonder and awe at how I ever found you and how I could possibly ever let you go.

I miss the sound of your laugh that tinkles and echoes through my memories, I miss smelling your hair after an impetuous run through a January spring shower, after an hour-long warm bath, before Sunday breakfast and every moment of my existence in relation to you.

I miss us cooking golden pancakes in the resplendent mornings, I miss us laughing at a picnic on the green fields amidst the water sprinklers, I miss us hiking to the top of mountains to share a moment, I miss us cozying up in a comforter in a big armchair in a warm library by the fireplace with hot chocolate to share a book.

I miss us night after night after night up on the roof in the field on the street curbs in the balcony lying on our backs staring at the stars trading secrets, every secret, secrets that we can and have never been able to tell our closest friends, guys or girls, for the best of reasons.

But we can share those secrets, because there is nothing to hide and we are everything there is.


I miss you.


I pray I meet you soon. Because life isn't going so good right now, I mean its okay, but increasingly I find myself alone, despite all the wonderful friends I have around me that I love and treasure so dearly.

Because they can't be there for me all the time, and I can't for them, and I wouldn't ask them too, not to spend all their available time on me, because they are friends, and part of being a friend is letting them have other friends, other lives, chilling out, self-sacrifice.

But you, you're different. You want to hang out with me. You desperately want to be with me as much as I desperately want to be with you, calling me when you're done with classes, showing up at my door to surprise me with waffles, planning a huge birthday surprise for me behind my back, treasuring me and thinking of me when I have to go on holiday and we can't keep up our midnight calls.

Just as I am doing the same for you, not out of repayment, and not because I expect something out of you just because I do these things for you.

Simply because I love you, and making you happy, surprising you and entertaining you makes me happy. Spending time with you makes me happy, because you alight my soul. And I do these things one-way, free gestures, with no intent for reciprocation(:

Freely giving with abandon and smiles and love just because making your life better is right to do, and I stop thinking right there(:


And it is so cool because you do exactly the same, not out of obligation, but simply because it is easy and natural to love me out of everyone else, because you see something in me that even I don't understand, but you constantly reassure me that its there anyway.


And the weird but cool thing is that that's exactly the same way I feel about you.


We are lucky people aren't we, finding each other like that, hearts and souls and minds finding a timeless companion in one another in a crazy hurting tumultuous world. I can't get enough of you.


When the whole world turns on its head in chaos, when parents, people, best friends, brothers let us down and we rage and cry and sob ourselves to sleep, its not so bad, because your arms are open and I know I can come running to you without feeling awkward or weird or imposing.

Because your love is one freely given and unconditional, we've talked about it, like every other thing we've talked about, even the really hard stuff involving each other that friends don't talk about, to each other, and we know without a doubt that even when we fight or fall or cry, I trust you and you trust me.

I trust you about everything, and even though you can't tell me how many stars there are in the skies tonight, you're my next best bet after God and my money's on you.

I've never met anyone like you, you blow my mind, you can argue with me intelligently about the best of issues holding your own, you refuse to compromise on being you, you shock me, annoy me, make me tear my hair out in exasperation sometimes.

But at the same time you melt my heart. Just looking at you takes my breath, my soul away, I could lose myself in your eyes forever, in those sparkling windows into your beautiful soul. Your hands, your fingers that hold me, your ears that I whisper in, your toes that dance across the sand together with mine, and your hair-

Lets not even get started on the hair.

And everytime you throw a tantrum or are silly or just plan to drive me nuts I don't know whether to hug you or to hit you.

So I kiss you.

This happens quite often.


And even while you can be so silly and crazy and my partner in crime so many times, when we need to be serious, when I need to be brought back in line, when I'm hurting and need not just a hug and hot chocolate but advice, you snap back and you wow me with your insights and your compassion and your love and everything else in your beautiful mind. We dance, we sing, we cry, we take over the world and everything else we set our minds to because nothing can stand in the way of our love. Not even the kids.


I love you.



I hope I meet you soon.

Keann's heart is never coming back to him, is it.

Well, yeah.

I just realised in the past 10 minutes that no matter where I go, how many people I meet, how many crushes and almost-crushes and relationships I fall into, I still keep coming back to the same person.

It is annoying. I don't want to.


I want my heart back. And it isn't even her fault to begin with.


I pray that you don't see this.


It would be quite an epic story though, if somehow, at the end of it all something does happen but life never happens that way does it. I don't dare to hope. Just like how I don't dare to think about relationships anymore, not because I'm that happily single (I am, but still), but because I can't comprehend and can't and don't want to deal with the consequences of screwing up any more friendships and any more people.

I just can't.

But I'm digressing again.

It just completely irritates me how I can drift over to Facebook and find a profile photo of you thrown to me from some random app or other, and 2 seconds later I find myself reading your wall, captivated.

Reading and recognizing the way you type that is so totally you.

Noticing little things in your speech pattern that have changed instinctively, and liking it anyway.

Fighting an urge to post and say "hi, how are you doing" because nothing good can possible come out of it and I don't think I mattered THAT much in your life to you while we were friends anyway. It was just my skewed perceptions that made you matter to me.

Smiling, and kicking myself for doing so.

Its been what, 4 years now? God.

I so thought I was wayyyy over you.


And I suppose I am.

It just so completely irritates me when I see the part of me that liked you waking up again, because I know it well, and you'd think that out of all the lessons I learnt about relationships and friendships from there I would simply remember to not. go. there. again.



OH COME ON. I SHOULD BE WAY STRONGER THAN THIS. 4 YEARS. SHEESH.


Keann you are majorly retarded. Thanks.



Okay now I really must get some sleep or I'll end up sleepwalking during soccer later. So much for kicking Ambassador Butt.

I miss you, friend.

Save You

Thank you everyone, and thank you God, somehow I got through those three killer projects without actually being late like last week, somehow, and hung out with some cool people at the street soccer court, and it was so scary but cool how after I was terrified that Sng would murder me and I was praying on the bus, she was inexplicably nice to me and Genny.

That's not right. Sng usually doesn't do that, she murders your ideas if they're half baked and half done..

Not that its a bad thing (cough)

It seems.. so trivial now, now that its all over. I mean, it wasn't, but hey, its over, and damn straight i'm not thinking about it.


So I'm idly sitting here waiting for MC with my brother in MapleStory at yes 2am (I'm not going to explain that) and loving Simple Plan.

I've always loved them, no matter what anyone else says about them, every single song they've covered I've heavily identified and cried with and sobbed with in a very scary way - in Sec 2, my friend very aptly put that it seemed like "they were inspired by me".

Yeah.

And I'm loving and wanting their new album, its sooo good, and I want it for my own, but for now I contend myself with Youtube.

Take a breath
I pull myself together
Just another step till I reach the door
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you
I wish that I could tell you something
To take it all away

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I won't give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

/cry.


When I hear your voice
Its drowning in a whisper
It's just skin and bones
There's nothing left to take
And no matter what I do I can't make you feel better
If only I could find the answer
To help me understand

And you know what?

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

*wipes eyes*

Amen.

I think I'm entering into a time on my blog where I stop trying to be intelligent or verbose or whatever.

Yup definitely need a new layout

Can't stop the rain from falling
Can't stop my heart from calling you


It is so stupid that Jonas Brothers is making me cry.

And I think Sng is going to own my meagre research. If my groupmates don't.

Its not like anyone really cares.

I'm just the entertainer. We can do without him.

Or the guy that refuses to not come over to give a present or something. We can do without him.

And all I wanted to do was make people happy.


Schooltime

Arrrgh

Who am I trying to be anyway. I'm obviously not part of that world so why does it seem like I'm trying so hard to fit in. Considering I have no legitimate ties to said social circle at all, but I read blogs and talk to people and post on tagboards like I have a right to. This is a dangerous obsession and I keep asking myself why but stop thinking before I can give myself an answer. I clearly don't want an answer. And life seems good now but what happens when shit happens and I realise that I've been deceiving myself all this time and okay goodbye the next 2 years of my life its time to be emo and broken and crushed again.


-multiply situation x 1000-

I hate feature (completely unrelated)

I can come up with a story, whatever but I always get stumped when I get to the "Why would people read this" part of the template.

Because...its fun? My thought processes don't go much further than that. That's how I read mags. If I read them at all. I just flip, and I read to kill time. Magazines fail. They're lame, superficial, maddeningly glossy and out to get your money blatantly by killing your brain and cheapshotting you with materialism over and over again.

I don't get them at all.


Part of that world