Huh

Aiyoh now idk. Post more later.

Hope

I'm going to get better (:

No.

I have to get better.

Ugh

I'm sorta kinda feeling better now that I have a goal.

I kinda still don't want to be though. 

Photocopying the brain

Well, trying to collect some thoughts here, I don't know how this is going to go, but I want to get it out before I get to service. Probably going to cry there too. Rah.

Went to the Singapore Youth For Christ hosting training thing today. That was cool, though I felt so tired from all the well, everything. It made me smile, if briefly. Hosting events again, that's going to be amazing. Then....I got home and said goodbye. There's that.

Met Rachel Lam at 2.30 at Anchorpoint, the next in a long string of people that really seem to care for me. Has it really only been two days? It feels like its been months and months. Been talking a lot to a lot of people...mouth's really dry. She's great. And so strong for going through her own stuff. Nuts. She has a very different style from La and Joy though, which is interesting. Joy just tells me things. Hits me. I want that. Rachel just refuses to tell me, says "I'll get there when I get there, and I'll find out". Still great. If there's one thing I appreciate about everyone that I have been talking to these days, is that none of the church people have thrown doubt on what I feel God is saying to me. I feel enough doubt, and then I choose to claim it, but everyone has respected what I think God is saying to me and supporting that. That's something I'm really grateful for, that we're in a culture like that. Its not something to take for granted.

Sigh. Well....I'm not numb. Tired, but not numb. I feel like I've reached some kind of place where though I don't regret any of the fighting for what I want, I know that this is enough. The time for that is done for now. I'm just...subdued. Resigned. Resigned that I have to hope, if that makes any sense. I still believe God is saying "Look to me, but wait for her". And I'm going to go with that. Wherever it takes me or us.

Rachel said basically - I have to find out who I am again. Find out who I am, and be able to love me. If not, I'm no good to anybody else, I have nothing to give. I wonder who I am. I think I know. I love God. Then I love her. Then I love dance, hockey, radio, dogs. People. And WoW somewhere down the line. Ngeh. If I do have to move on, do I have to try and remove that I love her from my identity? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't ever want to. It doesn't seem wrong. Idk.

The next thing I want to say, is that I really want to get to the point where I can pray for her. Every day. I've been worried about losing her (That above all else), but that's about me. I guess I always will be, and I'm so scared now, but I want her to get better. I want the best for her. And so I want to put my actions where my heart is it. God will you bring me to that place please?

That place where I'm on the same side as her, even if not the same team. The same side of pursuing You, loving You and growing in You above all else. And I guess in that...it doesn't matter which team she's on. As long as we, all on the same side, get there. Rarrgh. That's the place I want to go. So broken. I guess as long as I'm desperate enough all the time to talk to You all the time, keep asking for help all the time, go to Your Word all the time - This is not that bad a place to be.

I love You Lord. Thank You for being a brick. You are absolutely amazing and I am so grateful for You in our lives, whatever you're going to do. Please make her better and wipe all her tears away. Because I can't, though I wish I could. Help her, Father, I know You are.

Somewhere somehow there is hope. Take me Dad, I'm too weak to go anywhere on my own, I might as well go with You. Nothing else fulfills.

I still want to wait.

Crystallisation

I said goodbye now. Waiting. Don't know till when.

I want you to get better.

Call anytime. Please be strong. I'm rooting for you.

Understanding. I have none.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Prov 3: 5-6

Sent from my iPod

I know

She has to pick. I can't do it for her, you can't do it for her. She has to choose.

Whatever she does, you look to Me. Its okay to want her. But look to Me.

Trust My wisdom in this


Sent from my iPod

Train

Like a hot knife cutting through butter, like a salve, a poultice, melting away thick black disease.

You are in my heart.

I am walking wounded, I am not the same. All I can do is look to You.

Thank You for being here. Turn to Me, You say. Don't worry so much about what's wrong and what's right. Turn to Me and I'll make sure its right.

I'm so tired. I'm looking to You. This dam has broken and it has broken good.

Sent from my iPod

Sigh. Saturday.

Still missing you.

Before I go

Lord I need You to guide every single decision I'm about to make. Because I can't make the right choices without You.

Why does this day have to start

Woke up this morning with an ache in my heart and a mouth dry with regret for the things I said and didn't say.

I don't like this distance, physically and emotionally. So hard to comprehend that, to try and get better, you'd stay away from me.

And yet this is all my fault. I can't say I didn't do that, Lord. I am responsible. I am responsible for breaking you. I don't know how I can get you to trust me again. And yet at the same time...I don't want to exhaust you. Don't make to make you tired. Don't want to push you to handle more than you deserve to, and you don't deserve to have to handle this at all. I want to know the best way to help you...and have the courage to do so.

Even if that means letting you go.

Have to separate the parts of me that care about you from the parts of me that want you back in my life. Because...its not inconceivable that perhaps the best way to help you heal is...to not be there at all. To let go, and let God and other people handle it. *gulp*

Hard to step back. But I have to be strong enough to separate those two parts of me, because it might be a delusional and selfish notion that I can help you. No. Those are the parts of me that want to be in your life. And they shouldn't be allowed in this place, because this is about you.

And maybe...God wants you to be helped by other people and not me. I don't know, but I want to be open to hearing that. Deep down, I know I want the best thing for you...even if it means I don't have a place there.

/mouthdry.

I don't want you to be exhausted. I want you to be restored.

I will always miss you.

Please God help.

Desperately need You to move.

Help.

Not done yet.

Still one more post left in me tonight.

A bit of calmness

I still want you. So much.But I'm learning to give thanks a little more. Lord, I am so grateful. I still need You. And I don't want to stop. 

Psalms 51

Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love; 
according to your great compassion 
    blot out my transgressions. 
Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me. 
Against you, you only, have I sinned 
    and done what is evil in your sight; 
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge. 
Surely I was sinful at birth, 
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 
Let me hear joy and gladness; 
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins 
    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 
Do not cast me from your presence 
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation     and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, 
    so that sinners will turn back to you. 
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior, 
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. 
Open my lips, Lord, 
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart 
    you, God, will not despise.

May it please you to prosper Zion, 
    to build up the walls of Jerusalem. 
Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous, 
    in burnt offerings offered whole;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am very humbled today. There is a massive whirlwind going around in my head that I'm going to try and sort out, but I am very grateful for everything.

And I'm very grateful that God is saying "Look to Me, but wait for her." Because if He said "Move on"...I don't know how to do that. Its going to be terrible trying and I'm not ready. I don't know what will come of the waiting, and I don't know how long I will have to, and whether it is for a fairy-tale ending or God is just waiting for me to be ready before broaching the topic of moving on. I'm sure as heck not ready now. I just don't want to. I can't. And there is a vague freedom in saying that I can't. I guess you do know me best, Lord, and I am grateful.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jer 29:11

I still can't do this on my own. I can't. Calling up every friend I know and just crying at everything and everywhere because I need this. I can't afford to pretend to be strong, not now.

But I guess...my focus has to be You. I try. I don't know where I'm going to go with this, though I know where I want to go with her. At least -

Well never mind. Just got off Skype. I've got a lot to think about. I've got a lot to bloody learn ):

I made a mistake. Teach me Lord to never make that mistake again. Never again.

Never ever again. 

Nobody says my name like you do ):

Keann,

I don’t know if you’ll even try to find my blog again but I had to change it last night. God didn’t even have to say the word, I just knew deep down in my gut that I had hurt you and I didn’t want my words to add to that. I know you’ll say you’d rather see it but it hurts me to know that the pain you’re feeling right now is because of me.

Trust me. I know it hurts, because as I’m sitting here typing this out, I remember every single one of those nights where I’ve cried and cried and cried and had my body feel like it was physically aching for no other reason than it missed you. And you need to know it gets better. My friends got me through that, all those painful nights and it scares me to think you might have to feel that too. And you have amazing friends, people that love you so much that they’re just waiting for you to knock on their door. Stop worrying about intruding into their lives because they want you there in the first place and they’re there for you. Especially in a time such as this.

I found that letter you gave me, the one you wrote for your future wife… the one you wrote long before you met me. And I need to tell you I’m not that girl. At least not where I am in this part of my life. But hold on to that letter, because I hope that the next girl you give it to will be the last and that she’ll feel the same joy and happiness I felt at the hopes of a future with you.

I pray, that in all of this you find God. I pray for nothing else for you, because I know that the moment you feel His love rush over you, that despite every ache in your heart you can smile because God’s telling you it’ll be okay. 

^‘ For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.’ Matt 6:21

I’m sorry if this letter doesn’t read well but there’s so much I want to tell you and I know that these words will never be enough. But God has more than the words I can ever think or feel. So go back to Him Keann because your heart is so much safer in his hands than mine.

You will always be the one I can say I first fell in love with.

I’ll miss you Keann,

-R

I don't want to give that letter to anyone else but you.

I don't want that girl to be anybody else.

That's the thing.

0000 hours

Longest nine hours of my life. I don't know what to think.

Day -1

Went to church earlier to try and get some dance stuff going. Couldn't do it. So not in the mood for hip-hop, I can't pull up any swag.

Talked with Josh instead, And Joy, and La, and Sapna before. Meeting Josh, La and Joy again later before cell.

I don't know what to do. I just know that I want to call you. Josh thinks I should.

Guess I did. Waiting for that call tonight now.

I'm terrified. I'm so sorry.

Crazy Ex

I don't want to be the crazy broken ex.

What.

And I'm here posting about how sucky I feel and he's there reading the Bible. What. I'm the worst.

Regret

I wish I blogged more over the past two years.