Why does this day have to start

Woke up this morning with an ache in my heart and a mouth dry with regret for the things I said and didn't say.

I don't like this distance, physically and emotionally. So hard to comprehend that, to try and get better, you'd stay away from me.

And yet this is all my fault. I can't say I didn't do that, Lord. I am responsible. I am responsible for breaking you. I don't know how I can get you to trust me again. And yet at the same time...I don't want to exhaust you. Don't make to make you tired. Don't want to push you to handle more than you deserve to, and you don't deserve to have to handle this at all. I want to know the best way to help you...and have the courage to do so.

Even if that means letting you go.

Have to separate the parts of me that care about you from the parts of me that want you back in my life. Because...its not inconceivable that perhaps the best way to help you heal is...to not be there at all. To let go, and let God and other people handle it. *gulp*

Hard to step back. But I have to be strong enough to separate those two parts of me, because it might be a delusional and selfish notion that I can help you. No. Those are the parts of me that want to be in your life. And they shouldn't be allowed in this place, because this is about you.

And maybe...God wants you to be helped by other people and not me. I don't know, but I want to be open to hearing that. Deep down, I know I want the best thing for you...even if it means I don't have a place there.

/mouthdry.

I don't want you to be exhausted. I want you to be restored.

I will always miss you.

Please God help.

Desperately need You to move.

Help.