Photocopying the brain

Well, trying to collect some thoughts here, I don't know how this is going to go, but I want to get it out before I get to service. Probably going to cry there too. Rah.

Went to the Singapore Youth For Christ hosting training thing today. That was cool, though I felt so tired from all the well, everything. It made me smile, if briefly. Hosting events again, that's going to be amazing. Then....I got home and said goodbye. There's that.

Met Rachel Lam at 2.30 at Anchorpoint, the next in a long string of people that really seem to care for me. Has it really only been two days? It feels like its been months and months. Been talking a lot to a lot of people...mouth's really dry. She's great. And so strong for going through her own stuff. Nuts. She has a very different style from La and Joy though, which is interesting. Joy just tells me things. Hits me. I want that. Rachel just refuses to tell me, says "I'll get there when I get there, and I'll find out". Still great. If there's one thing I appreciate about everyone that I have been talking to these days, is that none of the church people have thrown doubt on what I feel God is saying to me. I feel enough doubt, and then I choose to claim it, but everyone has respected what I think God is saying to me and supporting that. That's something I'm really grateful for, that we're in a culture like that. Its not something to take for granted.

Sigh. Well....I'm not numb. Tired, but not numb. I feel like I've reached some kind of place where though I don't regret any of the fighting for what I want, I know that this is enough. The time for that is done for now. I'm just...subdued. Resigned. Resigned that I have to hope, if that makes any sense. I still believe God is saying "Look to me, but wait for her". And I'm going to go with that. Wherever it takes me or us.

Rachel said basically - I have to find out who I am again. Find out who I am, and be able to love me. If not, I'm no good to anybody else, I have nothing to give. I wonder who I am. I think I know. I love God. Then I love her. Then I love dance, hockey, radio, dogs. People. And WoW somewhere down the line. Ngeh. If I do have to move on, do I have to try and remove that I love her from my identity? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't ever want to. It doesn't seem wrong. Idk.

The next thing I want to say, is that I really want to get to the point where I can pray for her. Every day. I've been worried about losing her (That above all else), but that's about me. I guess I always will be, and I'm so scared now, but I want her to get better. I want the best for her. And so I want to put my actions where my heart is it. God will you bring me to that place please?

That place where I'm on the same side as her, even if not the same team. The same side of pursuing You, loving You and growing in You above all else. And I guess in that...it doesn't matter which team she's on. As long as we, all on the same side, get there. Rarrgh. That's the place I want to go. So broken. I guess as long as I'm desperate enough all the time to talk to You all the time, keep asking for help all the time, go to Your Word all the time - This is not that bad a place to be.

I love You Lord. Thank You for being a brick. You are absolutely amazing and I am so grateful for You in our lives, whatever you're going to do. Please make her better and wipe all her tears away. Because I can't, though I wish I could. Help her, Father, I know You are.

Somewhere somehow there is hope. Take me Dad, I'm too weak to go anywhere on my own, I might as well go with You. Nothing else fulfills.

I still want to wait.