A bit of calmness

I still want you. So much.But I'm learning to give thanks a little more. Lord, I am so grateful. I still need You. And I don't want to stop. 

Psalms 51

Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love; 
according to your great compassion 
    blot out my transgressions. 
Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me. 
Against you, you only, have I sinned 
    and done what is evil in your sight; 
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge. 
Surely I was sinful at birth, 
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 
Let me hear joy and gladness; 
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins 
    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 
Do not cast me from your presence 
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation     and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways, 
    so that sinners will turn back to you. 
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior, 
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. 
Open my lips, Lord, 
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart 
    you, God, will not despise.

May it please you to prosper Zion, 
    to build up the walls of Jerusalem. 
Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous, 
    in burnt offerings offered whole;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

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I am very humbled today. There is a massive whirlwind going around in my head that I'm going to try and sort out, but I am very grateful for everything.

And I'm very grateful that God is saying "Look to Me, but wait for her." Because if He said "Move on"...I don't know how to do that. Its going to be terrible trying and I'm not ready. I don't know what will come of the waiting, and I don't know how long I will have to, and whether it is for a fairy-tale ending or God is just waiting for me to be ready before broaching the topic of moving on. I'm sure as heck not ready now. I just don't want to. I can't. And there is a vague freedom in saying that I can't. I guess you do know me best, Lord, and I am grateful.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jer 29:11

I still can't do this on my own. I can't. Calling up every friend I know and just crying at everything and everywhere because I need this. I can't afford to pretend to be strong, not now.

But I guess...my focus has to be You. I try. I don't know where I'm going to go with this, though I know where I want to go with her. At least -

Well never mind. Just got off Skype. I've got a lot to think about. I've got a lot to bloody learn ):

I made a mistake. Teach me Lord to never make that mistake again. Never again.

Never ever again.