Bus Rides and MJ

Apparently I do work so much better on the bus, so....

Before I start, I would just like to say that I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. I do not want to screw Michael Jackson up, man. He touched hearts and souls and was such an icon and inspiration to so many people, so huge, that I reaaaaalllly don't want to turn in an amateur piece on him. Not for me, but for him, and for his fans. Joshua. Any dancer. Audrey. Any other fan. Any lecturer. Anyone who understands and was captivated by his genius. During his time. Nuts. This intimidates me, God. Haha. The man is a towering icon, how can I possibly begin to encapsulate his presence in one story.

One shot, one hype, one day. Haha. Hooboy. That said, I love writing like this. Free. Writing stories is so much harder, I fret and worry over every single word I might say, I am caught and stuck between endless possibilities, and now I can be stupid and I just don't care and SOMEHOW it turns out great to read.

How does that work out. I don't know man. Maybe I should write this way for my stories first, then edit. Take whatever comes..

But something in my psyche rails violently against doing work twice. Haha. Oh freaking man. I would like to write the way the wow bloggers write, but then again, those are blogs, right? The time and trusted method of the "professional" writer....

Oh gosh. How to capture that explosion of awesomeness that is MJ. And i just found out about him man. Haha.

Zinnnnnggg. How was today, God? Well I loved worshipping in the morning. I thought Acting turned out okay. Whatever right. Just hope Mel isn't pissed off at me. Sigh. Dieeeee. DVD review tooooo. At least I found the movie. God really please I need you for this stuff.

"Trust in the Lord in all your heart and lean not on your own understanding," God says. "In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Guess I just gotta roll with that huh. Haha. Rarrrlgh. I worry for SPSS, God. If I'm rushing thar DVD review and all, how do I have time to analyse? How cans we survey? Plus I can't expect them to carry me further, Mel and Dion have done a ton already and its time for me to step up. Man.

Wisp, EPM, Masina, Printjourn...

NPCell. Movie. Clubbing. Oooh boy.

Should I go for Rachael's party, God. I want to ): I sense the answer is no, but I want to. I finally got invited to something, something social, and I want to make the most of it ):

Then again if its not of your will I'd maybe just get screwed right. Haha. Okay I sense the answer is no but I'll ask again? Alrighty.

Ahhhh Michael Jacksonnnn. How to scale that insurmountable thing. Haha. God really just flow and give me an inspiration and passion and ENERGY for the story? I want to write something that touches, grips hearts. Like crazy. The man deserves it. His fans deserve it. Haha. Please Daddy.

I now also realise that I should ask Val to change the script. Maybe the character might swear, but there are other ways to convey emotion and make a good scene. You don't need that. If I compromise on this, how can I be strong on not compromising on nudity or sexual scenes as an actor, or anything? Gotta stand firm. Not "for the sake of the scene." No. I shouldn't compromise. Rarrrgh.

Okay God. Thank you for everything, thank you for money, thank you for friends, and I know you will take care of me. Gotta go. Gogoogogo.

Laterrrr (:

The Morning After

Good morning Daddy,

Hey (:

I might not be here talking to you now, if I didn't go back to read last night's journal entry. Haha. Thank you for reminding me and getting me to read it.

(:

So what now? Its 7:53 am, I've just had breakfast, and I seem vaguely free. But that's a lie. Michael Jackson story creeping up, and WISP needs to be done, and I think there IS medlaw. Haha. Will check. Medlaw at 11, which means I gotta leave by ten....and I really need to collect facts for the MJ story. And write. Behind timeee man. God I really pray, that you get them to give me an extension. I'm afraid to ask:p

But I suppose culture of honour? Hah.

So, what now, God? Start chionging MJ facts now? Or worship, spend time with you? How long? About what? Haha.

Hmm. I do need to talk to Josh, but I shouldn't be limited by it! I might have to work on it without him. Cell Rsvps....

Should I stay over at Josh's today? Haha okay you say no. Yeah. I am in control of my circumstances. I can do my work anyway, I am an overcomer.

I am so happy for Josh at NRA btw. He seems really happy there, going day after day (:

Bleagh the last night thing. I was gonna wake up, but I guess Fifi forgot. And shery tried. Haha. Darn. But its okay I guess God thought I needed the rest anyway....9 hours? Lol. I feel rested, which is good...

So weird to not have to chiong radio this week. Haha. Well.

Lots to do God, help me grip me to my work and stuff. Yeah. Lets worship now, for ten minutes.

- takes longer than that-

There's a difference between worship, and listening to a song for enjoyment. Big difference. Whole heart and soul and focus goes into worship, period. Listening to a song, even if you're thinking about God or talking/listening, I don't think so.

And neither makes you more holy. Worship is better for spiritual growth, but that isn't the point of worship either! Its for God, ministering to God, period. Its awesome because, when we do that, we connect with God and He speaks to us and heaven comes and we grow. But that's a side effect. If we aim for the side effect we'll miss the real thing and then we'll miss everything.

Yeah (:

Finally, a big long real entry (:

Hey Daddy,

I thank you. I thank you for so much, for the things that happened today, and during the week, for the things that I know about and even the things that I don't know about. I'm very aware that as I had been praying, desperately, even though I kept getting distracted, and sinning too, you still came/am still coming through for me. I'm not quite sure how you did it, but somehow things have shifted and deadlines seem more manageable somehow, once I managed to get past the NDP story. Wow. That was horrible. Haha. But I thank you for that blessing, it really was a huge exercise in staying focused. Time and time again, especially last night, I realised that if I don't get anything in the first five minutes, running away and doing something else really isn't the smart thing to do. Stick with it, hold with it, even though its frustrating and painful, and something will come out eventually. A huge exercise in persistence, in creative work, where the answer, unlike math, can't be found by google or by asking other people. Its things you have to create and that's it.

Wow. Thank you. Remember how for the past two days I kept finding myself in the same situation? Desperate during the day, getting distracted at night, growing complacent, panicking again in dead night, and suffering because of it. And feeling like I was the worst worker in the world, terrified of letting myself and everyone else down.

And the fear. And not seeing how I could get past those circumstances simply because of my inability to knuckle down. Staying happy about my circumstances was one thing that by your grace i could do, but getting down to changing those circumstances was another.

This whole episode has been a huge lesson about persistence and just knuckling down, and I am stronger for it. Tired, yes, but stronger.

I thank you that I've started journaling again, like now. I thank you for drilling in my head through that talk with Josh to not let my emotions or my circumstances control me. I can't not do good work because "I don't feel like it". I can't not do work because "the place isn't right". Or "I'm hungry", or "I need this music to be playing, "i need to feel like a genius, "I need the library or a new location. I am in control of my circumstances, because I am your child and I have control. My circumstances don't have control of me, I'm a world changer, and I can do my work even if my father is yelling in my ear.

Within moderation of course, I should do outward things if they help me too, but not the point where I keep trying to find the "perfect formula" and end up not doing anything because I get distracted while doing that.

I am in control of my circumstances. Rawr.

I thank you for me being broke too, God. Haha. Is this a fast? I don't think so. I have banned myself from Facebook, and I'm too broke to eat, and I cherish what I have, but I don't feel like this is a fast. All those things were for me, not really for you, but they have shown me so much. Being broke has shown me that I CAN survive on a shoestring, by due fact that I have been doing so for two weeks. That I CAN endure hunger, and don't have to indulge every little taste. That I CAN be wise, going home for dinner, packing little things, and of course depending on your grace (:

Like friends deciding to pay for me even though I don't ask. And today. Wow. Was hungry. Was going to endure. Talked to you about it. And suddenly there was a full buffet of free food in front of me. God, You're amazing!

Wow. I am in awe. And I can only pray that this sticks, not like after I get all my money again, I go back to splurging. There are better things to spend/save my money on, I know! I hope this frugality sticks.

Also, this discipline. That half sermon I listened to about us being in greatest danger to fall after our greatest victories. Me being desperate enough to ban facebook. Realising that yes, I don't need to stay connected to the world, and really need to turn everything off to do my work sometimes. You showing and guiding me through all of that. The album, the songs you have blessed me with. Wow. I pray that you give me a new charger, God. And help the discipline stick. Help me exercise the gift of self-control to DO things, not just to keep out of bad things.
Its not about being old and boring, its about growing more mature and more like Christ! What I feel is better doesn't matter, as long my heart is for you.

Wow, thank you for nuking my itunes, God. Haha. I love and cherish my songs so much more now. Thank you. I would have never discovered many of these songs I have, even though they lay there in my hard drive, and never developed a personal music identity with these things. Hah. Thank you, for teaching me all these things and all these lessons in the absence of an earthly father to teach me. Wow. I feel loved and at peace.

I learnt another lesson over the past few days as well. Something I've vaguely known for a time but shall make concrete now. You know how when we're desperate we - at least I - always want to turn to You? But there seems like there's no time to, work and everything and exhaustion piling up and all? But I'll develop a dependant relationship with you anyway, and looking forward to getting out of the mudpile, to do all these things like worship you and pray and journal and spend time with, things i wished I had time to do while in crisis. But once I'm out of it, I forget, get complacent, and start wasting my free time now on stupid things, instead of all the things I wanted to do. Which don't benefit me at all!

So now, lets try to set this in stone. To do my quiet time and journal, and worship and read your Bible, and other books and other things when I do have free time, out of the knowledge that time is precious and that when I have very little of it, I will really want to do these things, and these are great opportunities I'm missing. To remember when I've been starved of time and of time with God, to remind myself to feed my time with God when I have time available.

To remember situations when I would have given everything I own just to have time to worship or pray more in dire situations. Help me to remind those experiences, to remember that time is precious, and now that I have it, lets not take it for granted. Do things with God. With the spirit of self-control. I'm not controlled by my emotions! I am in control of them and of my circumstances!

Not that I can't do other things, but the crunch times really show what I really crave when you strip me bare, not movies or games as much as time with God.

Which was how I was created anyway.

Ohmygosh. I just realised that the song that I'm listening to, Follow Through, a love song by Gavin Degraw talking about how if someone he really loves really wants to be with him, she really needs to get serious and follow through, since she really wants to be with him, with everything she says. And he does love her totally whole-heartedly back, but she has to stick around or nothing will happen.

And God is just speaking to me now, like He's Gavin Degraw singing that song to me, someone He loves, someone that needs to follow through.

"This is the start of something good, don't you agree."

So I'm just going to sit here and listen to that song, once more, taking it as words from God to me, a love song from him to me.

Who says God can't speak through secular things and songs? You "just gotta open your eyes, and ears, and pay attention to everything around you!"

HAHA (:

"And you are my son John, the disciple I loved, because I know you need more love than most people, and I am willing to provide that love, so watch out for it, its going to come in lots of different ways, from people, from circumstances, music, and random things. Watch out for it."

(:

Bus love melancholy, that sounds like a song

So. Finally writing again. Typical how it takes love melancholy to make me do this, instead of epic events, or epic life-shattering encounters with God, of which i've had plenty of over the past few months.

Life has been...interesting.

And I really should have taken all of it down huh. Haha. Ah well. Lets not dwell on all of that today, lets just dwell on...today.



I feel lonely again. Well, not in the same way as before, its not the nobody-is-there-for-me loneliness, or anything, God is here and he's fixed that (somewhat), thank you Dad. I'll never be alone, I always have you to talk to, rant to, turn to, et-cetera...

And yeah. I've always been so okay with getting affection from those around me in my life, the girls especially, who are okay with hugging and all of that.

I'm cool with that.

Its Day Two of Zul telling me firmly that I should be holding off doing that, hugging, being so tender, etc, with Nadia. And Shery and Val. Because of the whole boyfriend thing. Its not wrong, I fully agree, and I probably needed an incentive anyway to stop being so physically affectionate (inappropriately, as Pastor Josh would say) with girls anyway.

Yeah. We'll figure out girls sometime, but firstly, girls with boyfriends are off limits.

However, folllowing that, and being reminded every second when with them, great friends that I love (who wouldn't turn me down), that I'm not going to do that, hugs and tenderness and stuff, really reminds me that I don't have someone of my own to do that with.

So that's the part that bothers me now. The lack of a girlfriend to hold, to be with, to caress tenderly, to love, etc. I used to do that with all girls, you know, friends, i'm okay with it as long as they're okay...but now that I'm drawing back from that -

Going on bus rides are awesome. Haha.

Well anyway....not wanting to dwell on this topic further. But disappointment, and God saying He'll always fulfill his promises...

Idk. I was made to love. And there was nothing inappropriate in my mind when i do these things. Just wanting to love, and find a connection there, between friends.

Just that girls with boyfriends are off limits, just as most girls i know in church are.

Haha.

Help me to learn to love and connect through other ways as well, Lord (:

Okay, later