Oh charr

Fearless

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There's something about the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There’s a glow off the pavement
You walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah

We're driving down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm trying so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly making me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why when with you I dance
In a storm in my best dress
Fearless


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So here we are. And I hardly know you but I've realised that in the past three years and with all the people I've met and hugged and said hi and loved and jumped around crazily with and worked and teared and stayed up and stayed out and stuck with and defended and wrote to and danced with and all the other amazingly wonderful things i've done with everyone that has made school and life the best I could be lucky to have-

No one compares to you.

You're not spectacular. We hardly do anything together. We don't talk, we say hi bye, we lead our separate lives, but I keep coming back to this point and saying

I've never met anyone like you

I'd never do that to you, of course. Never ever, not in a million years. I love you enough to not drop that emotional bombshell on you.

But god I love you.

And that's why I'm okay with letting you go.

I've lived my whole life since meeting you not being with you, I can do that a few years more, I can do that a few years forever, the world I've built around me won't come crashing down with the loss of you.

But it would be nice.

My life doesn't know your life. Your friends don't know my friends, we live and eat and sleep and travel to entirely different places and social circles at different times and you knock yourself out silly trying to get an education besides all the other wonderful things you do and I do the same over here trying to be with everybody at once and hold everything together, academics not withstanding.

I'm perfectly happy over here running from crazy project to crazy project with nutter friends and juniors that make my heart melt and church in between, managing slipshod finances, guitar and dance, sneaking a starbucks, dreaming about clothes and shoes and beaches and scribbling little thoughts on scraps of paper.

There's no time in my life for you, not with everybody else I'm hard-pressed to hang out with already, Josh, Keenan, Adin, Pris, Shery,Sarah and everyone else I'm not going to say here before you're the only person not on the list, life is wonderful trying to scramble from breathtaking individual to wonderful soul.

But god I'd like to try.

And your life is largely as crazy and nutters and drive-anyone-else-up-the-wall as mine, except I don't think you'd like to try.


And so we have nothing.

This is silly.

Bummer.But its all good. Later, beautiful person.



Keann exits stage left

Ministry

What is ministry, exactly?

Is it a term for anything we use for anything related to official Christian church work? Is it serving and meeting the needs of people? Is it different from evangelism, or does one come under another? What is its scope? Where should it be done, how should it be done? What is ministry, that term we're so accustomed to in Christian "lingo", that seems to us to be another name for "work", just nicer and about helping people?
Can it be done by anyone? Where does "being a friend" end and "ministering" begin? What is it about, how can it be defined, baking cookies, writing notes, dancing and singing? Praying? Is it from God or for God? Or for people's needs? Worhip ministry, prayer ministry, ushing min. What does "ministering to God" mean, then?

What is ministry, exactly?

Do many of us even know, even those of us in 'ministries ourselves?

Cause it occurs for me that if it is to be my job and calling, I should probably figure out and learn what it is. I don't think it means "a job". It must be more, it must be deeper, but deeper in which way and where does it stem from and how does it work, really, exactly?

I'm gonna grab a nap and then maybe figure this out later. Goodnight. Haha.

Feel free to post your thoughts on the subject (:
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sleep

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EPM journal results in epiphany, thank you God lol

1. A situation in your work or personal life that frustrates you and that you tend to respond to reactively like a 'guest'

2. Working within your Circle of Influence, write one or more actions you will take to have the greatest impact on this situation. How can you become a good 'host'?


Ugh. I can think of it straightaway already. Me and my family. Specifically me and my parents. Yeah. I seem to be great and levelheaded and everything everywhere else, but here. Because everywhere else I am in control, people understand me, see me for who I am, and can’t get away with being self-righteous bigots. You can only get away with something like that at home, where you are the masters of the house and no one is around to see the bad situations and say “stop”, except your kids, and what do they know, they are supposed to shut up and respect you anyway, right?

So yeah. I can even take criticism everywhere else. Handle it. Be diplomatic about it. Be humble, be teachable. But at home all I can seem to do is blow up or isolate myself.

See, its not a safe place here. Its not where I am comfortable, it is not where I am safe, it is a house but not a home, least not until everyone goes out. Less so for my siblings, but with siblings come parents.

Nothing here is under my control really. None of my possession are not fair game to parents who “gave you everything you own anyway”. Privacy has no say here, I didn’t pay for the house. Anything like that. Clothes I have bought that they don’t like have been thrown away before and I don’t try again.

Is it any surprise that I can only react reactively like a guest here. Gee. Hotel guests are treated better than I am. Sigh. I need my own place.

Errrrr? I don’t think so. Haha. I can handle people, things, especially people, rather well. Except here at home. People respect me and love and treasure me, but here my parents don’t see that. They see a disappointment that is eating money. Sooooo circle of influence really really small. Like miniscule. And I don’t trust them enough, and we disagree on enough things that we are unable to have a civil conversation. It’s a Cold War in here, there’s a reason why I don’t eat family dinners. Yes, me refusing to do that surely contributes to the bad situation, but dude. You hurt me. You chase after me. You come make me feel better, not the other way round.

I could try to do the host thing, maybe. But it hurts too much to want to.
I just want to get out of here. Its my friends, that keep me alive. Besides God of course. He is awesome and I would not have survived physically, emotionall or mentally to this day without Him. Not that my parents understand that either….

But hey. Haha. Idk. I could pray. Actually yeah. That would have the greatest impact. I just have to want to. Let’s see. Cause of me in this situation, honestly, I can do nothing of my own.

But that’s where God comes in, I suppose (:

Thank you God (:

Reflection

I think I really need to remember God, when I turn to You, its not "me picking myself up again".

That's arrogant, and not true. Me turning to You is not "me being strong", or me "being wise", or me "making a choice to turn to You". I mean yes it is a choice, but it isn't about me being great, or being all alone again and having to "pick myself up".

It isn't! God! I'm sorry.

You came looking for me, you still come looking for me, and if you're not looking for me I'd never would have found you. And never will.

So I guess God, thank you for picking up the phone and waiting for hours on end while I open up, while I realise this.

Haha well. Thank you.

And help remove the arrogance, watch it, check it, burn it, because its keeping me from experiencing the true intensity and level of your comfort. I'm sorry God. Help me humble myself before you. "You" are not a "self-help book". Its not a bad thing when I have nobody else to turn to but You.

And its the silliest possibly thing to beat myself up over. Who needs anyone else, you're my mentor, you're my comforter, and even if there were others to do so, they couldn't compare to you anyway(:

Hahahaha. Gosh. Take away that pride that says "Huh I have to turn to God agaaaaaaiiiin."

Well. That's possibly and probably really, really silly.

Wtheck. Yeah, and it keeps me from truely experiencing the level of love and comfort and healing you have for me right outside my door.

Pride has no place in this. Gtfo. Here I am God, I'm opening the door. Yay (:

This note I can post on facebook.

:D

Time to claim your promises, God (:

/grabs headphones and guitar

Put them headphones on

I'm hurting. Hard. I'm trying not to, but its still here/there/everywhere.

Why God. I mean, I get it, and I think I get the reasons why, but why ):

I don't need this. Sure I'll get outside classes, because dance is what I crazy love and want to do, but from dance three times a week for hours to outside classes an hour a week for 15 bucks?

This blows. It really does. I'm so happy for cherie, and josh, and charmaine and everyone that is in dance, but this sucks


Gaaaah God ):


I want more sad songs.

Well this is one note i'm pretty definitely sure I'm not posting on fb...

Idk. Its embarrassing. To want something everyone thinks I already can do, or thinks I should do, and then fail it after trying too late.

And then those around me who are in those things will feel bad.

Idk. Sucks. Who comforts the comforters?

I'd love to cry but my brother is in the room and my family's in the house.

And out there there are a million people that I have to be strong for. Cheer up. Comfort. Be there. Calls. Bus rides home. Dinners. Letters, cakes, presents, prayers.

I don't know. I'm tearing up. I'm not that strong. I'm not that happy. I go through a million doubts and comparisons about how I'm not good enough, for radio, for journ, for dance, and lets not get started on music.

I'm really happy for my talented friends. I really am. But what the hell am i to do about myself.

I'm not that strong God. I don't know. I don't know if I'm even hearing you right anymore. I trust you but I don't trust me.

Fuck, I'll probably end up posting this up after all. Some kind of psycho complex I have about maybe people suffering in silence drawing strength from my struggles.

Gee. But I don't have a solution. Whats going to happen after this? I'll probably talk to God. Rest, dwell in him. Go to church. Smile. Genuinely. Life is good there, a system not based on merit or how good you are, how talented, how riveting or possibly funny or efficient or a beautiful writer. There is love all the same.

I don't know. Its hilariously funny how I can be at other people's problems at a shot, and listening patiently for hours on end even if she says just two words during that time. People share, people open up, I love listening, and I'm grateful that they trust me so to open up to me, and I thank God that He's sent me there to certain people, more than once, at least maybe its something I can do right.

Backtrack. The hilariously funny bit is that I can hardly open up to people myself. La is always there, I'm sure, and friends are around, but I can't. And its hard for me to say that I can't open up to people myself.

I'm not even sure what the point of all this was. I started this talking about dance.

I guess somehow, I wish someone would shower the same kind of love and attention that I'm willing to shower on someone that I'm comforting, or trying to be a friend to.

Asking for it however, completely defeats the person. But I kinda know how I'd like to be treated, that's how I know what to do around people.

But it never comes.

Which is retarded in a way lah, because we're all different people and we all do things differently. But yeah. God. I know you're there, and I thank you for it, but sometimes I'm just so tired of falling, looking at You, being strong, comforting others, falling at some point again, and having to look at you again.

You're great, but i wish there was a human, some human out there. Someone I could trust. Someone who'd be willing to throw all her time at me, someone that I can be with and be the little scared immature kid I still am deep on the inside, without having to watch myself to take care of my friends, etc.

I want the phone to ring, and a voice come out saying "Hey, how are you." And spend hours on end just waiting for me to open up, the way I'm willing and sometimes do for those around me.

Not that I'd ever say any of this out loud, huh. Attention seeking.And looks stupid. And asking for it completely defeats the purpose, again.

Ahhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


God, who will be my nanny? Haha sigh shucks.

But you know what. I'm praising, i'm worshipping you anyway. I do. I want to(: And whatever my problems are I guess they'll all fade away in the moment of You.

You deserve it anyway. And I'm happy to, because I love you. No matter what I feel on the inside. I might jump a little less, feel exhausted a bit more, but I will stand when I am called.

I'm here, I guess. Love you Jesus Christ (:


Weeeeeeeeeeeeellll.

Dance ):