Realisation

This evening I realized why I desire to be in control of my own life so much.

Because so often in my life, people who have been in control of me and are supposed to use that to love me, have so often used that to hurt me. 

And I'm so so tired of it all. That's why I prefer to be in charge. Because when I am, I can use that to not hurt the people around me that I'm in charge of. I can use it for good. And I'm so proud of that because I often have.

But also because when I hold the cards, I can't be hurt.

All my life syncs up like that. In church, I've always have issues with the idea of giving my whole life over to accountability because I don't inherently believe that someone wouldn't abuse that, even if their intentions were as well as they could possibly be. I have no control of that. And in WoW, I so often gravitate to tank in dungeons because I set the pace, I set the tone, and I can stop people being mean to each other. The moment I go DPS I feel completely at mercy of everything and everyone, and can't do very much about saving a bad run. At least as a healer I can save things to a certain extent. But if I'm the tank, nobody else has to be a shitty-ass one.

I have bad days too. And I've seen me have selfish moments. I'm not WoW-Jesus. I've left groups under the cover of internet anonymity before after I've gotten what I wanted (I'd say rarely, but it doesn't help much in my moral defense.) But...it's on me. I'm in charge.

A few weeks ago, my dad pulled my uni support. So very often in life have my parents pulled the internet, and only recently because I have the power to stream it on my own phone have I gained the control to beat that. Just earlier today, my mom refused to dole out the Xbox controllers - which I never ask for, I play like a few times a year - for my best friend and I because my brother is having Os.

I'm 22. And I told my mate not to come.

This is the thing. If I'm in charge. No one can hurt me except me.

I used to think "Wow, thank God I understand God is not like my earthly parents. That He'll never leave me or forsake me and He's always going to do the best for me - and because He has perfect wisdom I can count on that His best really is going to be the best. He really does know best and it isn't flawed."

But...I guess I can see where so many times in my life, despite me saying that, I can't inherently trust that He really has the best and so I take control. Because I'm so afraid of getting hurt or shortchanged.

Yeah. Keann-is-such-a-cool-dude-isn't-afraid-of-anything is afraid, is so so afraid. Up one to the psych dept.

I'm sorry Lord. I really love You, but I'm sorry that I'm so so flawed and because of that I can't love You properly. And the mad, mad thing is that You love me anyway. I'm so sorry for constantly hurting you without recourse.

I'm so, so sorry.

But thank you (: 

/Hug

I only come here when bad stuff happens, evidently.

Today has been hard.
This year has been hard.

My world has shattered three times over already, and I'm not sure how many blows I can take.

Rachael.
Jail.
And now university is slipping out of my grasp.

My father decided to withdraw support for my university education today. All my dreams for going overseas next year - shattered. I know - at least I think I know - that God promised to bring me to Brisbane for uni.

I think.

But I guess He also never really said next year.
I think.

I'm going to be relooking at the prophecies in my life long and hard, I think.
I guess my small comfort is that even when I forget God's promises in my life, He doesn't.

I'm ultimately okay.

I'm in God's hands, and He's a God that loves me unconditionally. Trusts me unconditionally. Loves me extravagantly. Believes in me, and takes joy in me.

I wish I could say the same about my father.
Dad decided to withdraw my university support today because he felt that I can't handle my life or finances. He wants me to work for the next two years first, to prove to him that I can save up $50,000. So he can trust me with the money he'll put in for my education.

Which is not entirely unreasonable.

But two years.
Two more years. I'm looking at finishing uni at 30 now. And I never wanted that. My college life, shattered. I already waited two years being in the army, with the understanding that I was going to go.

And I'm so angry. And so hurt and sad. That I should have to prove myself to my father.
That's not the God I know, that's not the Father I know, that's not the love I should know.

I could have always done the make-lots-of-money thing. I fully believe that I can go overseas and stay there on my own. God will provide for me even if my family doesn't. My God is greater and his riches are more than abundant. I know this. I always have stood on this.

But I wish I had parents that believed in me too. It would be nice to have.
I don't know what that's like. I've spent so much of my life defending myself, protecting myself, trying to make it on my own without my parents. And I'm not entirely sure why I should have to. Not when I've been around other families that are just so nice and healing to be around because man. Its just good.

But that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose. I wish I could trust my parents to believe in me.
But I don't have it.

But I have God. When all else fails, I know I have God.
Time to go be amazing for the next two years, and beyond. Time to make lots of money, and to bless, and to be an amazing success.

But not for my parents. Never for my parents. Not because I have to win their approval, or earn their trust.

Never that. I refuse.

I do this for me. Because I am amazing. And its time to make it happen.
Time to be amazing.

I wish I could have parents along for that.
But I don't, and that's that.

This is never for them. But I'll happily, gladly, prove them wrong. Gloriously.
I don't need your lack of support.
I wish I needed you less, and I'm going to work to.

I don't know if I can ever forgive you. I'd like to one day. Maybe one day I'll look back and grudgingly admit that you were right to do this. Maybe.

But right now, no.
Just no.

Time to go.
Please teach me more things, Lord.
I trust you.

*self-hug*

If we gotta start somewhere why not here

Its been an interesting day.

Was looking forward to a glorious chilly air-con filled, peaceful gaming afternoon (I don't get many of these anymore), lots of food in the fridge to devour. Then Amos calls me at 3pm:

"Dude what are you doing."

"....I'm at home"

"Okay come out and hang. Amsterdam (What he calls Holland V)."

Me staring at the scorching sky outside from my chilly room in my woolly hoodie ->
"But.....no."

"You have to come. Don't say I never ever asked you out. Come now."

.......

But yeah I do feel bad. Cause he's right. I've been wishing people would appreciate me and ask me out all this season, especially when I've been really alone and wondering where my friends are, and you know, he is asking now. Mmmpph. Or maybe I just suck at saying no.
...So I go. Show up at four.


And well - I guess I didn't regret it after all. #grudgingagreement. I.....haven't had a conversation like that in a long time really. Lots of people have been asking me recently why I'm not a leader, or do I want to be again and...I guess I don't know. Lots of it has been me not believing in myself, and not thinking anyone believed in me either. Not feeling like I have a right to push for any of the things that I see or am hungry for because I failed so badly before. Not knowing whether I'd be any good.

So Amos came to me with a vision. Something he wanted to see happening in youth, in our generation, a problem he was seeing and I agreed. Its been there for awhile, and I guess I just haven't not known what to do about it. Been figuring my own life out. Or not feeling like I have a right to say anything when I haven't really been all that faithful. But he's right. This is a huge thing. There is a need for more.

And I guess I felt the old fires stirring again, you know? They've always been still here. I'm still hungry for it. I'm still ready to make a generation that is pushing no-holds barred for the kingdom of God. I don't want a generation that settles. I don't want to settle. There is so much more. And it means so, so much to me that he asked me. That somebody would think I'd be useful (I clearly have stuff to work through :/). I may not know very much. But there's something here that I want to see. And I want to see spanning the globe. Things like these are still very much what I always have been made for.

I'm in a place where I'm so glad God still loves me. That's crazy. And I know I love God. I know what I've done for that cause. But I don't want to stay here forever. I can't rest on past glory. If I'm really remaining in God's love - I am the vine and you are the branches - then I must bear much fruit, you know? I've been pondering what that fruit should look like. But I want it. I don't just want to stay here, for if not I'm not truly in God's love.

And I think this might be part of it. I have been given the gift of time. Maybe I don't want to apply for that journalism internship after all. Maybe I want to use that time to go to pastors and learn, go and find the youth all over Singapore that are hungry to take ownership of our generation. Connect. Build. Make something. What would that look like?

Hell maybe I shouldn't go overseas for uni, at least not right away or something, if we need more time to build this, more than 6 months.

I need to sit down to pray a lot about all this. I might not have to give everything up, but what's important is that I am willing.

A couple more things....I got dragged to Gerald's/Clarence's gig later. Was good. But the interesting thing was, I found myself reaching out to this young lady from Vietnam working at a chocolate shop while Amos was in the washroom. Was just talking and she was talking about how hard it was for her here, she's working every day (Which in F&B is no joke), and I resolved to buy her favourite ice-cream at her shop to bless her (giving generously is something I want to do). But I was troubled because I knew the greatest thing I could give her was not ice-cream or kind words, but to show her Jesus? And I didn't know how to do it. Was fretting with Amos about it.

But when I gave her the ice-cream, she tried to give it back to me, saying she'd rather have my number (Heh.) - because she wanted to learn better English and maybe I could teach her (opportunity!!). And then she started talking about how she really wanted to get out of this job, she'd been working here for 4 years in a foreign land and no pay increase or anything but she didn't know where to go - and I was like, maybe you could come to my church? And we could try to connect you with someone that could help. And she seemed hopeful and really grateful, she told us another lady yesterday offered to do the same thing for her too.

I'm just really grateful to God for face-first handing us the opportunity to invite her to learn of Him, I wouldn't have known how to otherwise. Honest. I really hope it works out for her. And I'm going to see what I can do about the English thing. Maybe after I finish NS next week I could drop by with a Bible for her and teach her English through that? I've never done anything like this before. But missionaries through the ages have often taught English with the Bible so....twofold purpose?

Then I started thinking. Maybe this is what I want to do for 6 months instead of a temp reporter gig. Maybe this is how I could make a difference. I hate these days how everyone keeps going on about foreigners being terrible and taking our jobs. Its the worst attitude ever. And maybe I could counteract that in my own way, with God's love. Teach disadvantaged foreigners better English so they can get better job opportunities. And point them to God, connect them to a community in this.

Maybe.


After the gig, Amos and I went to Maccas for cheap ice-cream. Then we saw this guy going past us on crutches. And I'm staring at Amos and he's all like casually: "Your turn." AND I'M LIKE WHAT. NO. I haven't done stuff like this in years! Plus, Amos is always going on about how he always does this on the street, pray for the disabled, but I've never seen it! I want to learn it from a pro. Seeing it in church doesn't count.

So that happens. Haha. Turns out the guy is Aussie, went to Monash for engineering, been crippled since he was 7, but is here now working in a bank. And we prayed for him. I asked Amos if he normally asks the people to try their limbs out after he prays for them and he said not always. So hey. Maybe its less awkward that way. I just want to get started again. Revival in this city.

I want to bear fruit again. Its been far too long. I want more.
I want more.

Was listening to TobyMac on the way home:

If you gotta start somewhere why not here 
If you gotta start sometime why not now 
If we gotta start somewhere I say here 
If we gotta start sometime I say now
- City On Our Knees

I want more.
I think I've given up far too much to stop running now. I don't want to forget that.
Well goodnight for now. I'm hoping for testimonies the next time I post.
Laterrrr.

Omg Dance

Its so weird. I think I'm in a place where I'm becoming a better dancer than ever before. Been working and working and working at it! And working out and stuff.

But omg I feel like I'm getting smaller and smaller. Why like that ): Was positively drowning in my tank top today.

#soweird

Dad's Birthday Today

Happy Birthday

And Thank You For Everything, Always

Hey Dad,

I know both Mom and you said you don’t me to buy you anything, but this is the least I can do. The least I can I do is write you a letter. I’m so sorry I haven’t given it to you yet, was gonna write it to you last night but I got so tired I just fell asleep or something ):

Well, its your birthday today, crazy. 52th! That’s nuts. And I’m sorry it took me this long to finally give you at least a birthday letter - I know I haven’t been a very good son over the years. Terrible, actually. For years and years I’ve been a pain instead of a joy, have only given you fights and worries instead of joy and pride, haven’t spent time, been only doing my own thing - taking and taking and taking and never giving anything. Being so selfish and not listening.

And yet you have kept giving me everything. I don’t know why. You’ve always patiently waited, always kept giving me a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, dinner or lunch day in day out when I’m at home, allowance, gifts, phones, internet, computer, and the iPad. You’ve always come through when I needed it, and giving me money for - say Brisbane - and have always given me guidance when I’ve asked for it. It amazes me every day that you’ve kept giving me everything that you have, day after day, week after week, year after year.

Only now am I starting to realise just how much I have to learn from you. I’m sorry I’ve never done so before. Whether its cooking, job advice, study advice, saving money or organising life - or perseverance, patience, reliability - there’s so much that I have to learn from you. And I want to. You have actually been an amazing dad.

I think often about what I know of the story of you and your siblings growing up. Admittedly I don’t know very much - but I often look around me at the house I live in and everything we have, how blessed I am and I’m constantly amazed of how far you brought us, how far your brothers and sisters and you managed to come together, despite it being so hard before. I have so much to learn from that alone, you know? And I’m so grateful, every day, that you’ve built a family and a home for me to live in, that I get a chance to dream - and even dream of going to university overseas. Not many get to dream of it, and it humbles me so much that I can even think of it.

You’ve given our family and me so much. And I don’t say it often enough. Sometimes I don’t know how to say it, and I’m sorry that I haven’t, sometimes. I’m still learning. But I want to. Want to be a better son. I’m ready to listen now. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.

And I want to honour you and Mom. I do. In things like getting a job, going to university and doing really well and making you proud - the biggest reason why I was so annoyed that I wasn’t given a chance to be an officer in the Army was because I knew its something I could do well, and I could make you proud with it, maybe finally make you proud about something. It sucked that I couldn’t.

Thank you for everything you’ve ever given me. There are things that I’ll never be able to pay back, and I hope at least I can pass them on. As for me and Australia...its silly but the best thing I think I can hope to give you is to hopefully manage to stay there, and maybe even bring you and Mom over for retirement. I know its crazy, but that’s the goal for me. I know you went there for your honeymoon and have hardly been there since, but I think its the least I can do for you.

You’re amazing. I’m sorry that this is all I can give for now, this little letter, but hopefully it is a beginning. I want to start being useful for you and the family. I do. I hope you have an amazing day and I’ll see you when you get back :)

Happy Birthday Dad. You’re the best. I mean it.

Love,
Keann

2AM

I think I'm actually good now.
Really (:
I look at your photos, your life, and who you are, how far away you are from me, and I smile.
You are you now. Whoever you wanna be, wherever you wanna go. And I'm happy and ready to let you go. I'm actually glad, I think I am, and I'm glad that I am.

That time is over now. We didn't have it perfect, far from it, but we had good times. And I'm glad I knew you, and got to be around you for those precious moments. This first love.

Your smile is as brilliant as ever, and I hope it always is. It still makes me smile, that way your eyes twinkle with spark and life and gentleness and bravery. I hope you never are sad, though you're so beautiful when you are too.

Go build that life, with your family, wherever it takes you. Keep shining in your space, in your universe, and I hope the world gets to see that light, gets to laugh and tear and smile and heal in that glow.
Aye. Time for me to go build mine now. I hope I get far.

God is good. Let's run now, I'll see you there at the finish. And maybe we'll swap stories and laugh and rejoice at how good God is.

I know He heals. I pray that for you every single day. There is nothing I want more. I hope you get there. I want you to get way better than I could ever give you.

Maybe we'll be friends again, when I see you again. I don't know how its gonna go, but smiling and laughing and verbal wrestling the way we used to would be good, with raised eyebrows and trust and dares.

Hopefully that'll go.

God first. Trusting Him. Take care you <3 Wake up and smile the way you do, okay that doesn't happen, you flop right back in your pillow, but you know. Go (:

Love,
- K

Stage Lights

I love a great many things. Like sunrises and rain and hugs, smiles and balloons, pounding the grit in an intense street soccer game, and even taking up a mud-caked camo-streaked position in the steaming jungle, piss-tired mates by your side and trusty rifle gripped in grubby hands.

But I also really love the stage. Something about the golden lights and the red velvet seats, the wooden enamel floor and the dark curtains that beckon and whisper "come, hide in me until it is your time." Waiting in the wings is my favorite part - you think you know what's going to happen - you've rehearsed your tired heart out, the actors breathe their lines and the musicians dream their score. But you don't, and that's the arrestingly beautiful mysticism of it all. Nothing is over till the fat lady sings, and as the lights flare and the bass beat rolls, everything - explodes.

And all she asks of you is that you dare.

Watch This Space

Check this.
This is the moment where I'm saying I will be happy.
And I guess its kinda sad in a way that I have to make a choice this way? But this is what real moving on is like, maybe. Its not about numbing down the pain, or burying, or running away. Its just a simple realization after you've been in the pit long enough that you can't stay here.

There are greater and better and bigger things. There always are in God. And I will still always care for you, I don't know if that part will go away. But its not going anywhere further, either.
I still like all the things you like because they're you. What you say is always of value to me.
And I still want nothing but the best for you.
But that can't be my whole life.
I have to do things for myself too.

I gotta watch out for myself now.
Let's make it good. God will make it good.