Sunday 30/5/10

My dad just gave me $70 to pay for my glasses. I didn't want to ask him at all.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarggggh.



Raaaarrrgh.

Sigh. I find it very hard to accept it, you know? Though I kinda have no choice. And I do need the money. I just hate having to take things from him. Especially when I'm not already being a very good son, I feel.

I want to take as little as possible from him. I already live under his roof, internet, electricity bill, fridge, microwave, bed and everything, and I'm not even hugely making him happy.

Considering he hates what I do. And I'm not about to give up believing in the supernatural or dance, and considering that I feel led to 1. Focus on dance full-time 2. Full-time ministry after/during that.

I take the sacrifice of not having money, or anything, of having to save, for the sake of my passions. I am really fine with it, its a personal sacrifice that I am willing to make, I just don't want to drag anyone else down with me.

Least of all a dad that I give so little too.

Ahhh ):

I know this is You providing for me, God. You told me: Don't ask for money. I didn't. My mom found out that I didn't have glasses and asked me why, and I said I was waiting for money to pay for it, and one thing led to another. Sigh.

And I was like 'Dad, at least just pay half. $35. I want to pay for myself. I really do.'

Also partly because I don't ever want to be in a place where they say that the only thing I do is ask them for money. I've been accused of that so much in the past, and I hate that. And most of my life I've been quietly choosing to not ask for money because I don't want to accused of that again. When we go for dinners at restaurants and things, I always pick the cheapest things. I try.

Cause I don't ever want them or I to feel that I'm just asking them for money. I've taken enough from them as it is.

I'm crying now.

When I asked to pay for my own glasses, My dad said 'When you have a salary, then we'll talk.'

I could take it in a happy sense that he's providing for me. But I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that he has to bail me out again. I don't want him too. And I know he doesn't want to either. That he probably rather wants to be proud that I can pay for my own things, having graduated and all and should be having a job.

And we both had quietly sad faces. I feel, anyway.

I don't want him to have to endure me, either. I want to do all these things, endure this difficulty, not fight with my parents, and hope they're proud of me at the end of it when they can see the result, you know? I don't expect them to be now ):

):

): ):

Apart from that, today was a good day. Ian Andrews in the morning, prayed for a couple of people to be healed, used the time to invest in a relationship with Roseanne who wanted to come to listen to Ian Andrews and be healed, honoured Pastor Eunice about her leading worship, talked to Justin and Kegan about our dreams for the future and what God has called us to do, and hung out with the Apaches at night. Haven't seen them for ages.

I think I'm going to shower and have an early night. I want to read tmr. Worship. Rest. Swim. And dance at night. Yeah.

I'm actually thankful for what I talked about earlier. I mean, I know it sucks, but I know its an issue I need to face up to at one point or another. That I hate receiving from my parents, that I hate having to ask my dad for anything. I have no problems asking God for anything, I've learnt, thankfully, about everything I can get from Him because His love is amazing, but gah...

I thank you for having me brush up against the issue, Lord.

Ahhh ):

I can't wait for SOZO. I really can't.

Love you God.



Goodnight, You're amazing.

So amazing.

Night (: