2 May (night)

Hey God,

I had many thoughts, but after reading Joshua Harris for awhile....I want to kill myself. Uh.

Bleh. He does make sense, but he's denying so much. Stuff like not kissing at all? And not sitting in the same hammock cause of lust?

Uh. I'm not quite sure how you would approve that, and still tell Rachael and I that 'we're okay'.

And yet I get the sense that you do. Except I'm thrown into doubt because of this guy....

And me feeling inadequate. And like 'hey this guy's a pastor and wiser, who am i to have a better idea'.


But at the same time, that's not healthy. But whats the difference between foolishness and confidence?

Trust you?

And you do want Rachael and I to explore this?

I'm scared, Lord. That I'm not hearing you properly. That emotion is getting in the way. But, trust you?

Whether I hear you right or not?

For both Rachael in her life, and I in my life?

Yeah okay (:

Ruin or success is not determined by whether I've listened to you wrong or not. You've still got this. I won't deny my birthright.


(:


I love you God. Thank you. And praying with Rachael, praying for each other, and us supporting each other like crazy today, with our families, very very cool.


Different paths for all of us. What's your will for us? Versus being single and serving God in singlehood.


Be together? Be together and manage that?


I don't sense you saying no.



And that you do want to bless me, and her, but yeah this is mostly for me, with the experiences that I want.

Which is how Joshua Harris and I differ.


Okay. Not a rulebook, but just loving you, and listening to you.


Thank you. (:




Ummmm. I trust you, God. I just do. Show me what that really means, k? Bring us close to you.


Yeah.


But yeah, best day, with the family. Was crazy. Suddenly things are a lot better. And I realised....it could be because I was praying for Rachael's relationship with her mom to improve. And suddenly Dad and I jump up. Whoa. Family movie. Family dinner. Talking like a normal family. Making an effort not to offend, but being able to talk and share life.


And show him some of the person I've grown into.

Just, wow.


Movie was also pretty awesome. Iron Man 2 ftw. Yeah.

Haha. Today was a good day? Thank you God (:


Let's see what today's devotionals say....hmmm.

Okay its not so much what the devotionals say....

But I'm in danger of not trusting you fully, God, because I have an inkling that you'll take Rachael away from me.

That I want to turn away.

And that when I do make the right decision, this will purify and strengthen me.


Okay. That's my focus. Learning to trust you fully. Surrending Rachael to you like Abraham sacrificed Isaac.

Give me a bit of time, God. <3


I trust you about us. Help me trust you more.


Yeah.


Jesus, I love you.


Sustain me please, for tmr <3


And let Rachael and I be a blessing to you.


I know what we're doing in the morning.

Worship (: And seeking God. Your face. And your words. Okay. Help us hear, Dad.




Love,


I get the sense that you are being very patient. Thank you :)
I get the sense that you don't feel what we're doing is wrong, but you don't want me to turn away out of fear that you might think that. To be transparent and bare with you. And you're just encouraging me. That its okay. That I as your son....I instinctively know how to hear your voice and your desire. And its not a path of suffering. And so if it isn't, don't feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not getting any suffering. Self-doubt and second guessing spirituality.


Yeah okay.

This is the way to reach out now, too.


Okay.


Love you God(:


I love You


I sense that you get teenagers. As they are now. Hahhahaa okay. Thank you for the encouragement, God.


<3 Love