19/5/10 (Wed Morning)

19/5/10 (Wed Morning)

In starting of SOZO class now. SIgh. We just did this throne room river thing now.....and I saw this amazing flow of toys, things I always wanted as a kid. Soccer ball, toys, guns, abundance, all these things. And Rachael (: And new family. And then old family. Dad, mom, siblings. And dance. And money e.g. for the glasses I'm getting later today. And a nice studio apartment, beautiful. Pretty amazing...but I still want to cry a lot. Because I'm realising how badly I want some of these things, all the things I wanted as a kid that I was denied, and my family. And the sense of loss and poverty that I carry around. One thing I noticed...is that usually in a setting like this, I'd be running for the mic, sharing...but two reasons.

One, all the amazing things that go on keep having me brush up against many very very painful areas in my life, that I hate showing anyone, because I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.

And second, that I somehow don't trust this bunch of people as yet. Unlike my youth bunch. I don't know. I think...I really want to run for the SOZO thing. Like one of the biggest things I have to do. So many issues. God. I love love You. Thanks for sticking with me. Help me to know you like you know me. And I trust you for today, and finances. I love You. Love <3