16 April 2010

16 April 2010

Okay I'm just going to do a quick journal, even though I have a million overdue entries, cause if I keep putting it off I'll never get anything done.


Hahahha.

Today was Stage 52 Ties production day!!!

From the morning, all the way. Make up, rehearsals, chilling, having fun. Its been great.

Many thoughts.


One of the biggest is that I love this stage. I love the stage. Its insane. Thank you God for putting me up to be here. Crazy.


My favourite moment by far is the part JUST BEFORE the curtains open, when everyone's supporting each other, just encouraging, spreading love, trusting, having prepared and worked hard for ages and we're just prepared to go on.

And we can't wait. I couldn't wait, at least.

And at that point its no longer about if you make mistakes you die.

Honestly, production day is one of the biggest cases of forgiveness and love in action that I've seen all my life.

Everyone telling everyone to do their best, but not condemning any mistakes. Its just about putting on a damn good show.

Its just awesome. And so much love in action, motivated by Jesus yes but you don't even have to use His Name.


God, I'm so glad you let me take part in this. I hope I spread your love fine. I know I did, in fact, I know you're proud of me. Thank you. Thank you for showing me so much, and giving me this experience, and learning from everyone else.

Thank you that my first theatre experience was in ACJC, a school that I really really love.


Thank you that you helped me, gave me the courage to pray publicly, not to show off, but really because I sincerely believe it will and did help. I believe the atmosphere really changed and I'm glad we covered it today in prayer. Though i was really scared. And I'm reaaaaalllly scared to do it tmr. Arrrgh.

I hope people can see that I'm really nice, that I really love, that I'm a good testimony -

But at the same time...why do I care about what people think.

Ursh. Very confusing.

I made SO many mistakes in dance. SO MANY.


Haha but yeah. Just many happy juices. I think we all want it to be this way. Let's just be happy, and thankful tonight, I can clean up tmr. Yeah.


I loved how Dionel coached and encouraged us just before production and right at the end. So tactful, so encouraging, so right. I have so much to learn.


Thank you God, for giving us a leader like DIonel.



This whole thing....I really felt a lot of love in action. Idk, I'm a bit frustrated that everyone is condemning each other. Christians can't relate to people in the industry, poly people putting up a defensive barrier against JC people, guys checking out girls as sex objects instead of really getting to know them...

So many barriers. So annoying. And I just want to break it all down with love.

At the same time, I'm aware that I'm getting condemning. Sigh.


But so many people putting up barriers against each other and crippling their love because of that.

And I'm getting tired of keep seeing it, and railing against it, and I'm so afraid that I'm going to crack and just be a grumpy, angry, self-righteous angry old man.


Rahhh God. You know where I'm coming from?

People just don't know, so much ):

I'm sorta aware that I don't know so much either.

I hate really negative people. I hate people who just refuse to learn. I don't hate them, but the attitude really, really annoys me.


Help me to love, and forgive, and to not be self-righteous, God? I know this isn't the way. I'm sorry. Help me to just be humble and happy and chill.


And yet still a contender and a warrior.


Tiriiiinggggg, God.


But today was a really good day :)


So.....I was coming here.


Jessie is gorgeous. Oh dear.

And we're getting really close, I know, I'm trying to hold all the brakes and even that's unfair.


Honestly, right now, I'd rather spend the rest of my life with Rachael.

But, Jessie's so gorgeous, and so attractive, and so crazy.

And a dancer.

Though spiritually angsty.

And I know I'm not being very good with boundaries right now.



I'm just, really glad, that Rachael and I are still friends right now. That I didn't overcommit. I knew something like this would happen ._.




Rachael's...safe. Jessie's exciting and dangerous.

I knew something like this would happen. Its like the basis for all cheating ._.


Gah. I just feel sorta guilty that Rachael isn't feeling the same. And wanting to pull back, say a cute guy friend that she's just met.


Or she could just not be telling me about that, thinking I'm pining over her too.

Entirely possible.


Entirely possibly not.



Ahhhhhhh.


I suppose the course of action is just to be good friends with Jessie. Which will be hard and dangerous. Because I can like her so much.


And all that.


But yeah. Friends friends friends friends friends. I see the reason for it.



I don't know everything, Lord.


I really don't. I surrender, teach me how to love, how to be.



Roaaaaaaaaaar.


Thank you for everything, Lord.


Thank you for dying for me and making everything good for me.

I love you :)


Give me wisdom.


Love.