Let Thee Force Thyself To Journal

28/2/09, Saturday

Its the last day of the month, how about that. I never even noticed. I've been atrophying here too much...


Anyway, life has been interesting, and probably about to get more.

Sigh. Since my last journal entry I really haven't been doing much? But I hope I'm slowly but surely getting there with discipline. Thursday was an entirely wasted day, and the lesson learnt is to please control your sleep time. If you're not disciplined in controlling your sleep time the night before you are not going to be controlled with waking up, and it can throw your entire schedule off, especially if you are one who doesn't have enough discipline to try and fix the schedule.

Also, I don't think porn helped the day. Sigh. It was clearly wrong, tempting, and feels so good, but damn, clearly wrong.

Everytime I impulsively go to porn, some part of the day screws up. Its true. And I'm left with a convincing feeling that I shouldn't do it again. Until the next time I get tempted, which is like now. Bleh.

Friday wasn't that much better, productivity wise, meaning I didn't do much with skateboard or guitar. Going to movie was okay though, and corporate..

Man. That was the clincher. I think. Haha. Corporate was so good. You could clearly see God working there. And at some point God just took over and I'm quite in awe at all that happened with and around me, when people are on fire for God? Praying for this person, this vision here, meeting someone's mom, suddenly leading prayer for people behind me, and getting Jo to go in front to share vision..

I don't know Lord. I thank you for it, I really do, and I know its not of me, and I am appreciative of all that you've done, but somehow I don't seem swept away by the whole thing?

And that sucks because I do want to be swept away..

Especially when I'm going into these things on autopilot and duty and whatnot. Yes I want to be there, but not on a level of passion and zeal that I used to feel? There is still, and I feel guilty about not having it all there.

Then I decided I'd present me to you anyway, with my flaws and whatnot and let you use me anyway.

And that was good (:


..Now I have another distraction in my life. WoW. Lol. Sigh.

And the party tonight? I think I don't really want to think about it man. Haha. But I know its going to irk me the whole day. Should I go? No. But I want to see everybody and I want to try my hand at the scene..

Sigh. All the wrong reasons to go clubbing.

And my parents won't like it.

And prayer the next morning.

Granted I could go till 10+pm but its such a waste right, of the 25 bucks.

I wonder if I can take the money back? Like, cancel my ticket?

But then again I don't really want to! Gah

Conflict conflict conflict. I wonder how I'm going to be able to worship like this...

Sigh.

How God):

Don't go right.

But the 25 dollars how.

Is it worth a backslide?

No.

But maybe I could go and not dishonour you? Is it possible? Casey is going and all that, Sinee is going, etc.

I mean, I desperately dont want to be seen as uncool, heck, I don't want to see myself as uncool.

I know its an earthly pursuit. And my value is found in you Lord, not my social status or my dance ability.

But I am tempted to go anyway?

And the 25 bucks isn't helping. Lol.

You know, if you asked me not to go right now, I should be willing to give it up right. 25 dollars is a small price to pay for obeying You and following You, men and women have given up far more in your Name.

Owells.

So what. So how. I should cancel but when I think about who's going and what is going to happen there I don't want to cancel! Its the consequences and implications that want me to cancel. Gah.

Gahhh. Bleagh. It seems that I can go if I go for the right reasons. Aka, see how Christians behave at a club. Be a shining light. Lol what. Go there to party, but be clear on not dishonouring you.

Oh man...but I'm already dishonouring you by not obeying parents about it.

Hence, we don't go. There is no black and white about it. We shall not go.

No wonder Satan wants to stop me from journalling, he wants to stop me thinking and coming clear with God about my life..

Haha oh well. Lets make a bold step. I'm not going. Or at the most, go for the shirt if I can't cancel. Lol.

Affirmation Email To Pastors Josh and Jenn

Hello(:

Possibly there is no real rational need for this email, but the story of the tenth leper has kept nagging me all day for some reason and there really shouldn't be a reason why I shouldn't thank you two for today(:


Like, yes, thank you so much for taking time over me, I thoroughly enjoyed and will treasure today's hanging around and sharing my dreams and thought processes around people, authority figures in fact, who actually want to hear more about them (even in the interests of the interview), and are completely loving and encouraging and especially wise, and though I vowed to be completely honest during the interview, me being so easily able to trust you two so implicitly and naturally completely didn't make being honest a chore at all, because it is so evident that I can trust you guys to come down hard on me if need be and I will take it happily knowing that it is reasonable and will ultimately be for my good.

So thank you, especially you, pastor jenn, you're often such an inspiring leader-figure both on and off the stage, comforting and ministering and changing and touching lives and mindsets through God and being able to talk to you, really talk to you personally and i-suppose-semi-deeply, was a huge thing for me, and completely inspiring and motivating, to talk to someone that cares and invests so much in her flock and to know that she cares about me personally as an individual, and especially to know that is all through a result of God's work in your life.

That actually applies for both of you really. Little decisions that one of us make to follow God can have such a huge chain-impact on other people's walks with God and in turn that impact on other people, this I have learnt and am in awe in, but to see you both and the pastors touching and impacting on so many people's spiritual walks at once-I can't comprehend the awesomeness of that fact and I really want to thank you guys, even though it seems to be an obvious thing, for all the work you have invested in us and everything (though I know and have seen so little of it, I am still hugely appreciative already).

And I would like to hope that if/and when any of us become pastors or full-time or whatever, that the lessons we've learnt from you people will carry us and keep carrying us so much further, not just the ones you teach, but also the ones you live and exude (e.g. camaraderie and unity between pastors, though that would seem quite "duh") . Thank you, you are amazing role models(:

Pastor Josh, even though you have come down on me honestly and brutally about everytime I had some weird angsty problem in the past, I want to tell you that I appreciate and still do appreciate you taking that style when it comes to handling and guiding me, instead of with sympathy points or whatever. And that..this is because I know that when you do, it will be completely rational and reasonably so while looking after my best interests at heart, and so I can be honest about my shortcomings and wait gladly for the disciplining that I trust. And weird and drastic it may seem, you're about the closest thing to a father figure I have had (besides God, who is awesome), even though I don't talk to you that much, and I thank you for it.

And that's about as much mushy man-love as I am comfortable with giving. Um yeah.


But my point is, thank you for everything, and thank you for today, it wasn't so much of an interview as a sharing/somehow-counselling session with two amazing leaders-in-God figures that I respect and trust immensely, and I was really ministered to/learnt a lot (not just in lessons you taught, but lessons you lived as pastors that hopefully I will pick up on in the future), and it was ultimately awesome. Thank you(:

~Keann/Qi En/Whatever. Haha

Journaling 1.

Let's try and get this journaling thing started for real. Even though the wisdom of doing this publicly on facebook is tenuous at best. And yeah probably shouldn't be done but just to start me off, I suppose. And this appeals to me more than having a folder of word docs for some reason, and a private locked blog is oh so lonely and depressing.

I am retarded.

So today was generally awesome. Paper aside, I am rather proud of the efforts I took to make sure I'd get to HIP interview on time. Like, the motivations came naturally. Which, whether just because its a church-God related thing (which matters greatly to me) or a habit that I am starting to develop, it is still cause for celebration! Kinda-sorta. Now I just need to bring that habit over to all other areas of my life, just being punctual for church won't cut it..e.g. even my own personal timetables, or I'll never get anything done.

So tonight I really must plan tmr's timetable, of which I know vaguely involves me visiting the half-pipe tmr morning and meeting Casey at noon for gym. And I have no idea what else, but I want to fit guitar, and hopefully dance (which is doubtful) and some other productive thing inside.

Like something that will keep in with my claims that I am very serious about being a leader or something, some self-initiated material or something or other. I don't know. Blah.

What I do know is that this journaling thing should start up, and stay up, and I also need to incorporate personal daily devotionals as part of my lifestyle, leader or no leader.

As pointed out and hammered home, though gently, by pastor jenn today.

I could also do some housework maybe, something to show my parents that Christians on this side are generally awesome.

Not that I'm going to go all Mary Poppins on it, but something. And I need to firm it up or I'll never do it. Gah. Oh yeah, I have to get the cell rsvps for corporate prayer tonight..

Spiritually, today was good, Last night was like a wake-up call, to me, knowing I had to get things right with God before coming for the interview? And today was really great in terms of getting me back on the right track again.

E.g. I shall stop reading Tucker Max. That guy is having a clear detrimental effect on my moral values. Gah. Edifying edifying. Not that the guy isn't funny, but when it comes to consuming content that is valuable or not valuable, I gotta put my foot down or something.

At least I've read all of his stories already. Lol. ANYWAY.


HIP interview was amazing. Without retyping what I sent the pastors and thanking them for, I have come away with gentle reminders that I should 1. Start journaling 2. Settle my personal devotional time 3. Don't think about getting out of things to start working towards what is seen as useful things for pastors to pick up, but pick up whatever experience you can where you are placed and do it genuinely, because the future pastor is not going to be a typical bible college person etc..but will have skills picked by God, and I gotta pay attention to that instead of boxing myself in!

Coolios. And greater support and strength was given to me in the struggle against porn. So it was a good day(:

I suppose what matters now is what I do with it. All these lessons are well and good, but bringing it back to reaching out...gah I am still scared. And my new naturalness in visions and prophetic drawings lost since that fateful backsliding friday is still something I am a bit....gah, I just gotta make a conscious effort to practice and reach out for it right. Haha. man.

The cool thing about HIP is that I'm actually not worried. In or not, i trust God and I trust these guys implicitly to trust God in their decisions, so lol. If I'm not in, it just means that I have all this time that I can jump into Chonghao's guitar classes with, to get the guitar going so I can bring and lead worship, so ultimately yay, right. Haha.

Coolness. And that's it for spiritual stuff today, I guess. Yay. Mmmhmm(:

Notice how my musings and ramblings about these things always lack verses or something, though they should generally have them? But I can't wield a gun if I have no ammo in it, so I really need to start reading the bible moar. But how and searching for what. Gah. Haha. We'll see.

NOW GOODNIGHT.

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

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I might close this soon. What's the point, right.