Le muchly miserabled

This sucks.

I don't understand why radio seems to be so forced with me, I don't get why I can't be natural at it.

I mean, radio was a big reason why I even came into Mass Comm in the first place, with Journ a secondary thing. I thought I was the best thing that was about to happen to Singapore radio, that my teachers had no idea who they were dealing with, that someone so clearly opinionated and vocal and expressive as me clearly was going to be a huge success the moment I came in.


And then I found out that I had a really sucky radio voice.

I still did okay in Year 1, because it was only mostly scripting and apparently I do have a knack for that, scripting and creating, but actual delivery always sucked for me. Put my own mic in front of my face, give me the knowledge that I have to carry the show as opposed to being the idiot entertainer off on the side, and suddenly I freeze up. I don't try new things, I'm can't be spontaneous like I usually am, and I'm horribly awkward. And sound dead. Plus, my groupmate Xin Mun rocked, and carried everything for the final project for me, thank God for her(:


Enter Year 2, and the first major project, and I still do well in coming up with wacky ideas and shit, but I can't do it on air, whether live or recorded. So I script like crazy, and because I really do think my radio voice is horrible, I adopt a very over-the-top, self-assured, hyper but self-assured and have-it-together personality that you hear all the DJs on national radio have.

But it isn't working. It feels forced, I had to try so hard to get myself self-high before I could do it again yesterday for the descriptive intro of my assignment, and I lost control of it during my interview because I was listening to my interviewee's answers and reverted to my usual fail subdued radio self halfway through.


And it annoys me. I'm a social person, I'm spontaneous, I'm unafraid to be stupid, I dare, I'm high, I make people laugh, I'm sincere, I do well with crowds, and I excel in camps where I know I inspire and motivate others like crazy to be high and stupid and united and having fun too. I'm one of the best at what I do, and its not a self-trumped up charge because my groups ALWAYS are the highest and retarded people at the camps I'm at. Or something. People expect me to inspire those around me into states of craziness. And even when I'm really really tired or emo or whatever, I can turn on that madcap inspired high state of mine whenever I need to, for camps, because my campers are depending on me.

So why can't I do that for radio.


It annoys me, and irritates me, and I keep desperately trying to convince myself its the same, speaking in public being crazy to 2,3, 50 people, and doing the same on radio, in hopes that I can bring whatever I have elsewhere over to the radio feeds.

But it clearly isn't working._.


Maybe I'm not cut out for radio after all? Yes, I'm not that much of a doofus, I figured that long ago last year, but I still can't understand why. And pride and confusion still hammers away, very much so, at myself because isn't this something someone like me is supposed to do well in.


Perhaps I should work at it a little bit harder? Idk, i'm working at it tons hard already, and perhaps I should play to my strengths instead, instead of trying to force something that clearly isn't happening. Sigh. Yet, you hear of so many success stories where people sucked at something, but because of their passion and drive they broke past that and became awesome anyway. Not that you can tell before you begin -.-


Gaaagh.


Well, I still have a project to do. And before that, I'm going to go do something I'm actually good at and drown myself in learning the Red Camp mass dance for awhile, courtesy of Deb. Haha. Gah. K I'm gone! (: