It blows a little, I was gonna blog about any number of things. About how Deborah was so awesome to teach me dance today, about the little things I'm learning from her, how its her birthday, or how cool HSM 3 was to watch again with Rachel and the others, radio scripting with Genny, a completely amazing time with Ning Sarah Sam Keenan and Fauzi at Halo Bar, and how I love hanging out with that bunch of people so much, Sarah's mum, talking to Fauzi about Cloverfield, any number of things.
Or missing the dance battle thing, I was really going to go, radio ended earlier than I expected and I was quite happy that i could go down until I realised that I didn't have enough EZ-link money to survive a trip down and still make it home ._.
But instead I'm going to talk about what just has happened an hour ago at home, huge big blow-up with the family, which culminated in my father coming out to yell at me and condemn me and yell hurtful, shocking, very hurtful things in my face like "I've already given up on you, don't mislead your brother", "You don't know what love is, you don't know how to love", "you're evil", "you're cunning and sly with your words", and over and over again.
Haha:/
And it hurts like crazy.
The Apache shirt (of all things) that I changed into after my shower is tear-soaked now, and I'm like ._.
I mean, i think its pretty cool that I can very easily reject the stuff he said about me. Because I know my identity is strong in God. I can't be evil, I am redeemed. I know love because God showed me His perfect love, and what am I doing every day for everyone around me, if not out of love. I don't pray and message really long messages to the O level people that are going to kill my phone bill every day for fun..
Haahhaa. Seriously. Its absurd(:
Because of 1 John 4:7:
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.
(:
And I don't just read it, I've been living it, living what I believe, and so I'm glad at least, that I'm wearing the armour of God against discouraging hurtful statements like that that can wound and rend so deeply.
The power of words, yeah:/
But even though I can reject the lies he's said about me, the part that wounds me is the fact that he could even say such things about me. Even if they're not true. He's my father. He's a sunday school teacher. A damn good one. He should understand better than most people just how damaging his words can and have been over the years. And yeah:/
And that is why I'm crying. Because of the lack of love from my earthly father.
Hopefully all of this helps my brother, though. The reason why this huge blowup happened anyway was because my brother who is P6, was up playing the computer at 1AM and my mom came in and caught him, and I tried to bite the bullet. Divert away suspiscion that he was playing games. Take the fall. Draw attention away from my brother and heap it onto me. Stand in the gap.
So he was still up, but pretending to sleep when my father came in and blew the whole thing up, banging on the door and yelling in my face after I opened it.
And the minute my father went away, I went to my brother and asked him what he thought of the whole thing. Explained to him why I can reject the lies my father has said about me, but that it still really really sucks anyway. Tried to convey that these words that my father said I will probably remember the rest of my life. Tried to convey the concept of the power of words, especially the destructive power of hurtful words, and try to gently bring across the point that its really not a good idea to do that ever, to anyone.
So from the very beginning, this situation was about my love for my brother, and me trying to protect him from the blowup that my mom started and would have inevitably spread to my dad :/
Idk, I guess I don't just want to talk about love, but I want to live it? Not that my parents don't live it. I know how hard it is for them to put up with me. And it cannot be anything but love that they still clean and wash and provide for my food and financial needs, even after all the crap they've put me through, and their very negative opinions about me.
But when it comes to direct love, to communication, to hugs, to encouragements and standing by me, its not a place I can depend on my parents for :/
I want to do both. Not just the unspoken, but also the spoken. Not just the things behind the scenes, but also the things out there in the open. As a friend, a brother, and as a parent, in the future.
So yeah I guess its good. Life lessons, to raise my own kids with, in God. (:
But it still sucks anyway. Hahaha.
But still:
James 1:2
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Hahahahah(: I suppose, Lord. :D
I need to know more verses at the tips of my fingers for situations like this. The Bible is awesome, I'm sure it has tons and tons of encouragements for me right now in a situation like that this, but I really don't know where to look. If you're reading this, chuck me a verse in love, kay? It would really help/heal/increase my education in the Word and everything. :p
Hahaha. Man. So looking forward to seeing everyone tmr. Everyone who has my back. Everyone who loves me. Everyone who is everything my father isn't. :/
But still, everyone:DD
Gosh, I hope the message and altar call is relevant. I'll just start breaking down, I swear. And I'd welcome it. Oh Lord, make it so(:
But its okay if it isn't. Haha. Just heal me and be with me, Lord. Be my Father, be my Daddy. The one I've never had. I trust in You, and that even right now You're working in my heart and all around me and in people around me to conspire to heal and support me perfectly, in a way that I'll never see coming. I know You're there and I look forward to it. Surprise me Lord. :DD
Oh gosh, joy is already flowing through me in anticipation. Haha. I have a God who loves me, cries with me, and is preparing a huge surprise for me. :DDD
I can't wait (:
A pastor of tears :o
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