Fine.

OKAY. FINE. I HAVE FED MY NEOPET OUT OF GUILT AND LOVE. SHE IS HAPPY NOW.



Hmmph.

AND ONE MORE

In response to Joel:



Yes, I starved my neopet. So she'll cry. Cause the tears go well with her water wings.

<_<

MOAR

!!!!!!!!!



Morning prayer :D (: God (:







Esplanade :o





Hands :D

Second photo is totally stolen from Hannah's cam. Uh, yes, I could do the whole "one picture a day" thing to keep you coming back again and again but I'm not ebbiill.

Later. Radio ):

HAHAHAHAHHAHA

HAHAHHAHAHAHA(:

A pastor of tears

Hannah rocks. Period. God just keeps using her to shine a light through my life for me, despite all that has happened, I feel so loved :D


And Shermaine and Sumin are so cheering me up right now. Hahaha. Thank you God for sending them to me (:

Of all the crap that's happened..

This one takes the cake.

It blows a little, I was gonna blog about any number of things. About how Deborah was so awesome to teach me dance today, about the little things I'm learning from her, how its her birthday, or how cool HSM 3 was to watch again with Rachel and the others, radio scripting with Genny, a completely amazing time with Ning Sarah Sam Keenan and Fauzi at Halo Bar, and how I love hanging out with that bunch of people so much, Sarah's mum, talking to Fauzi about Cloverfield, any number of things.


Or missing the dance battle thing, I was really going to go, radio ended earlier than I expected and I was quite happy that i could go down until I realised that I didn't have enough EZ-link money to survive a trip down and still make it home ._.


But instead I'm going to talk about what just has happened an hour ago at home, huge big blow-up with the family, which culminated in my father coming out to yell at me and condemn me and yell hurtful, shocking, very hurtful things in my face like "I've already given up on you, don't mislead your brother", "You don't know what love is, you don't know how to love", "you're evil", "you're cunning and sly with your words", and over and over again.


Haha:/

And it hurts like crazy.

The Apache shirt (of all things) that I changed into after my shower is tear-soaked now, and I'm like ._.


I mean, i think its pretty cool that I can very easily reject the stuff he said about me. Because I know my identity is strong in God. I can't be evil, I am redeemed. I know love because God showed me His perfect love, and what am I doing every day for everyone around me, if not out of love. I don't pray and message really long messages to the O level people that are going to kill my phone bill every day for fun..

Haahhaa. Seriously. Its absurd(:

Because of 1 John 4:7:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.


(:

And I don't just read it, I've been living it, living what I believe, and so I'm glad at least, that I'm wearing the armour of God against discouraging hurtful statements like that that can wound and rend so deeply.

The power of words, yeah:/



But even though I can reject the lies he's said about me, the part that wounds me is the fact that he could even say such things about me. Even if they're not true. He's my father. He's a sunday school teacher. A damn good one. He should understand better than most people just how damaging his words can and have been over the years. And yeah:/

And that is why I'm crying. Because of the lack of love from my earthly father.




Hopefully all of this helps my brother, though. The reason why this huge blowup happened anyway was because my brother who is P6, was up playing the computer at 1AM and my mom came in and caught him, and I tried to bite the bullet. Divert away suspiscion that he was playing games. Take the fall. Draw attention away from my brother and heap it onto me. Stand in the gap.


So he was still up, but pretending to sleep when my father came in and blew the whole thing up, banging on the door and yelling in my face after I opened it.

And the minute my father went away, I went to my brother and asked him what he thought of the whole thing. Explained to him why I can reject the lies my father has said about me, but that it still really really sucks anyway. Tried to convey that these words that my father said I will probably remember the rest of my life. Tried to convey the concept of the power of words, especially the destructive power of hurtful words, and try to gently bring across the point that its really not a good idea to do that ever, to anyone.



So from the very beginning, this situation was about my love for my brother, and me trying to protect him from the blowup that my mom started and would have inevitably spread to my dad :/


Idk, I guess I don't just want to talk about love, but I want to live it? Not that my parents don't live it. I know how hard it is for them to put up with me. And it cannot be anything but love that they still clean and wash and provide for my food and financial needs, even after all the crap they've put me through, and their very negative opinions about me.

But when it comes to direct love, to communication, to hugs, to encouragements and standing by me, its not a place I can depend on my parents for :/

I want to do both. Not just the unspoken, but also the spoken. Not just the things behind the scenes, but also the things out there in the open. As a friend, a brother, and as a parent, in the future.


So yeah I guess its good. Life lessons, to raise my own kids with, in God. (:


But it still sucks anyway. Hahaha.

But still:

James 1:2
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.


Hahahahah(: I suppose, Lord. :D


I need to know more verses at the tips of my fingers for situations like this. The Bible is awesome, I'm sure it has tons and tons of encouragements for me right now in a situation like that this, but I really don't know where to look. If you're reading this, chuck me a verse in love, kay? It would really help/heal/increase my education in the Word and everything. :p


Hahaha. Man. So looking forward to seeing everyone tmr. Everyone who has my back. Everyone who loves me. Everyone who is everything my father isn't. :/

But still, everyone:DD


Gosh, I hope the message and altar call is relevant. I'll just start breaking down, I swear. And I'd welcome it. Oh Lord, make it so(:


But its okay if it isn't. Haha. Just heal me and be with me, Lord. Be my Father, be my Daddy. The one I've never had. I trust in You, and that even right now You're working in my heart and all around me and in people around me to conspire to heal and support me perfectly, in a way that I'll never see coming. I know You're there and I look forward to it. Surprise me Lord. :DD


Oh gosh, joy is already flowing through me in anticipation. Haha. I have a God who loves me, cries with me, and is preparing a huge surprise for me. :DDD


I can't wait (:


A pastor of tears :o

Le muchly miserabled

This sucks.

I don't understand why radio seems to be so forced with me, I don't get why I can't be natural at it.

I mean, radio was a big reason why I even came into Mass Comm in the first place, with Journ a secondary thing. I thought I was the best thing that was about to happen to Singapore radio, that my teachers had no idea who they were dealing with, that someone so clearly opinionated and vocal and expressive as me clearly was going to be a huge success the moment I came in.


And then I found out that I had a really sucky radio voice.

I still did okay in Year 1, because it was only mostly scripting and apparently I do have a knack for that, scripting and creating, but actual delivery always sucked for me. Put my own mic in front of my face, give me the knowledge that I have to carry the show as opposed to being the idiot entertainer off on the side, and suddenly I freeze up. I don't try new things, I'm can't be spontaneous like I usually am, and I'm horribly awkward. And sound dead. Plus, my groupmate Xin Mun rocked, and carried everything for the final project for me, thank God for her(:


Enter Year 2, and the first major project, and I still do well in coming up with wacky ideas and shit, but I can't do it on air, whether live or recorded. So I script like crazy, and because I really do think my radio voice is horrible, I adopt a very over-the-top, self-assured, hyper but self-assured and have-it-together personality that you hear all the DJs on national radio have.

But it isn't working. It feels forced, I had to try so hard to get myself self-high before I could do it again yesterday for the descriptive intro of my assignment, and I lost control of it during my interview because I was listening to my interviewee's answers and reverted to my usual fail subdued radio self halfway through.


And it annoys me. I'm a social person, I'm spontaneous, I'm unafraid to be stupid, I dare, I'm high, I make people laugh, I'm sincere, I do well with crowds, and I excel in camps where I know I inspire and motivate others like crazy to be high and stupid and united and having fun too. I'm one of the best at what I do, and its not a self-trumped up charge because my groups ALWAYS are the highest and retarded people at the camps I'm at. Or something. People expect me to inspire those around me into states of craziness. And even when I'm really really tired or emo or whatever, I can turn on that madcap inspired high state of mine whenever I need to, for camps, because my campers are depending on me.

So why can't I do that for radio.


It annoys me, and irritates me, and I keep desperately trying to convince myself its the same, speaking in public being crazy to 2,3, 50 people, and doing the same on radio, in hopes that I can bring whatever I have elsewhere over to the radio feeds.

But it clearly isn't working._.


Maybe I'm not cut out for radio after all? Yes, I'm not that much of a doofus, I figured that long ago last year, but I still can't understand why. And pride and confusion still hammers away, very much so, at myself because isn't this something someone like me is supposed to do well in.


Perhaps I should work at it a little bit harder? Idk, i'm working at it tons hard already, and perhaps I should play to my strengths instead, instead of trying to force something that clearly isn't happening. Sigh. Yet, you hear of so many success stories where people sucked at something, but because of their passion and drive they broke past that and became awesome anyway. Not that you can tell before you begin -.-


Gaaagh.


Well, I still have a project to do. And before that, I'm going to go do something I'm actually good at and drown myself in learning the Red Camp mass dance for awhile, courtesy of Deb. Haha. Gah. K I'm gone! (:

AT THE ESPLANADE

Keann/Melodie/Genny
P207
To The Streetz (Dance) Segment Descriptive Practice

Oh man.


The people here are effing cool! Its like whoooaaaaa. Hahahahah. I want to get up and start trying stuff just by watching them. It’s a very very addictive atmosphere. I’m in in the underground underpass right next to the Esplanade and City Link here in the heart of city, right below where I’m sure cars and buses are rushing over my head this very minute. But I can’t hear them. What I CAN hear, is the squeaking of rubber soles, right here in this brightly lit, low ceiling arena, as dancers break and lock and glide all over the marble floor to music from their own boomboxes. Its awesome. Its already 9pm, I’ve been here since 830, and its cool!

What these guys mostly are doing is breaking, flipping over their heads over and over again as they seem to be trying every possible body part to move over the floor but their feet, dressed in their big loose shirts, track pants or board shorts, and sneakers. No skinnys or jeans here, as everyone’s dress sense seems to be geared towards allowing as much movement as possible. No specific colour, you have purples, reds, whites, blacks, it doesn’t matter, as long as you can move in it, its legit. Accessories-wise, most people don’t have any. It hinders dancing, after all. But some are wearing bandannas, and a few have beanies, and the big caps that hip-hop dancers and breakers have become known for are scattered around the area, next to the occasional glove or wrist/armband. I’m not sure why, I would assume its hot to dance in such, but maybe its just being part of the whole culture. Haha. I have to ask about that.

Not everyone is dancing, and not all to the same beat as one would think, from what we see in movies and concerts. People are pretty much doing their own thing, talking, chilling, laughing, and of course dancing. But to their own beat, and their own time. It’s a very “learn if you want, and at your own pace, no pressure, we chill”. But man, when they dance, its ANYTHING but chill.

Guys and girls alike in loose-fitting shirts and pants, pound across the floor, flying and whirling and twirling as passerbys, whether teens going out or people coming back from work, sneak curious glances at them while hurrying past, trying not to stare in fascination, almost as if scared that they’ll be caught gawking and singled out, and beaten up or something, by these scary people, shouldn’t they be at home studying instead of out here hanging out and wasting time? Oh, I would call this anything but wasting time, pursuing a passion with bodies arced high in mid-air.

Its funny, actually. I haven’t gone over to talk to them yet, but I have a sneaking suspicion that these hulking mysterious people, who prefer to talk with their bodies, aren’t very scary people, or bad apples, or gangsters or anything of that kind.

See, as a dancer myself, I know that it takes a certain amount of humility to be willing to come down here and try, sincerely, to learn dance in what is certainly a very public place. Courage, that too, but very much too humility.

Its pretty much impossible to learn to dance, and dance well, if you’re trying to show off, or pretend you know-it-all, and learning to dance is all about learning to humble yourself, to be unafraid to look stupid, accept that everyone around you probably has a lot to teach you, and go all out in an honest effort to get better. No arrogance or shootings or anything of that kind, not like what we see in movies like Stomp The Yard. Everyone here just wants to learn to dance, follow their passion, and there is much mutual respect and camaraderie here. Seriously now, who has time for posturing and arrogance when there’s twirling on my head without killing myself to be learnt! Haha (: When you’re launching yourself in the air trying to fly, there’s no time to pretend to be a pro.

It’s a very happy place! People are laughing unconsciously at themselves and at each other, as they try to create cool and amazing stuff out of thin air, and everyone’s just sincerely asking each other how to do the stuff they’ve just seen. And if you can’t create, no one labels you as a loser. As long as you’re willing to learn, they’re more than happy to teach you. And we’re chillll. (:

Its not ONE big group, by the way. As I sit here beside a pillar, I see about 4 different groups of people, and no one is dissing one another, or caring hugely about one another, but everyone’s just concentrating on doing what they came here to do. Dance. Its not pointed ignorance of each other, just..there are more important things to think about, you know? Like is my head going to crack against the floor. And you can totally feel the mutual respect in the air, its almost tangible, as each group appreciates and understands the drive and passion and courage and humility that is involved in coming down here in the first place to the underground at the Esplanade(:

Its cool. Haha. I hear from people that the dancers are down here every day. But not always the same group, and not always the same time, and not always the same day. Aaron, who I spoke to yesterday, said that he wasn’t coming back for two weeks. School stuff. People just come down when they can, you know? To have fun(: This is the second day I’ve been here, soaking in the atmosphere and getting a feel of the place, and I’m definitely coming back tomorrow. This is awesome. Haha. :D

Mannn. I so feel like joining them. This is so cool! But I’m in slippers. Haha. Wtheck. Maybe my sincerity in coming down day after day will help that. Haha :/ I have to talk to them eventually, to interview, after all. It’d be cool if I could encourage listeners to come down and join, saying that anyone can come and learn, really, but I’d have to ask the dancers about that. Would people view them weirdly, or as upstarts, or anything like that. Haha. Good to know! I’ll talk to them soon. Maybe tomorrow, and I suppose I’ll record on Wednesday/Thursday. Yay (:

I just heard some guy mention danceoffs! Haha.

They've stayed from 830 til 10 already :o

Its hot D=, Sweltering, a bit, but maybe that's because I'm not moving. Haha. Aircon's just a step away anyway, in CityLink. Heh.

Yes, so half of them are topless now..


I think I’m going to head back.

They don’t seem like they’re gonna go back for an hour, I think. I wonder if I’ll see the same group tmr. That would be hugely cool. Aye. The guy in the red pants and shoes and no shirt has not stopped dancing at all since the time I got here and he’s reaaaally good. Intense. Haha. Sweat glistening off bodies in the many circular bright lights all over the low ceiling. Lol.

Another group seems like its ending already, they’ve changed into not-sweat-soaked clothes, went to 7-Eleven, got cokes, I think they might be heading back soon. They’re just like lounging and cheery and chill now. Haha. Yeah. Man. I could keep typing forever…

(:

OKAY IM GOING TO GO HOME NOW.

Time: 10:14 pm, Monday, 3rd November.
Keann Chong.