Ramble Time

Soooo. Here I am now. And I’m tired and stuff. But I still have mrm thing to do by tmr or ira WILL kill me. And then we have until next Monday to complete an ownage lit review? That’s 5 days. And tmr I might have something. And Thursday dance. Friday dancesports bonding thing. Saturday church. Gg. And ambass isn’t even part of the equation yet. More and more it looks like I’m going to have to drop amb. Oh dear. Haha. Sharyl’s answer from God to stick to SU seems to coming true and true more even without me cutting other things out myself. I hope to awful goodness that I don’t have to drop dancesports though. I love dancesports. Its uber fun. And uber funny. And Sonia’s a great partner. Even though we’re both freaking horrible! HAHA. But that’s the really fun part about us. There’s no stress involved between us AT ALL HAHA. As opposed to dancing with Pris which no offence is a little intimidating cuz she’s so good at it, and giving advice and instructions and stuff like that. Haha. “Too fast, that open promenade thing” Don’t get me wrong! Its great and all, and really helpful, but Pris in the back of your mind I KNOW you’re thinking how Brandon is so much better at this and all XD. I KNOW. I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES. HAHA. BLAHHHH.

(:

Lolololol. I think Sonia killed like 9 people today. And when dancesports people start getting hit while dancing, they do one of two things:

1) Move the hell away. There was this point where me and Sonia nearly had the whole damn floor to ourselves. These were seniors btw. Shit.. :blink:


2) Start hitting back. Omg. Pris especially. When I was trying so hard to not hit her myself omg. Bloody girl hits like an angry ballerina. Lololol. But we still love you girl. :D


Then there was this time I got K-ed full in the face by some senior’s (Lynette, I found out later) arm wrist banglet thing. Like in the full blown developed swing of the promenade. Holy Crap. Lol.

So there was this other time I was just minding my own business trying to get my feet right and forgetting my arms even existed as per usual, when this other dude swung out and hit Sonia.



She ducked.



Me gets owned.



Me goes WTF.


We and surrounding people all die laughing.



I swear we’re famous now. Or infamous. Or dangerous. Or something. There was this point where we were paying for registration late and all and I SWEAR we thought for sure they were going to kick us out for the greater good. XD


And in a funny turn of events it seems I have ticket for Freshman Night after all! Me and Pris were discussing the probable blessing that I totally forgot about securing one, being able to go home early and please parents and stuff, and oh dear. Haha. Oh well. It’s a DS bonding thing after all. Why not. Even though I stick to my stand that we’re retardedly well known already.


We’re retards everywhere, it seems. Oh dear. Haha. Blahhhhh.


I had my fair share of hitting people too it seems. I suspect but I don’t know and certaintly don’t care to confirm that I possibly maybe in worst case scenario managed to jab some girl’s boob. I dragged Sonia all the way to the other side of the room after that. >< Like duuude.

><.


):





YES ANYWAY. CONCLUSION I FAIL AT IT BUT ITS UBER FUN AND I WILL PRACTICE. HAHA. :DDD


Yeah. I was so into it that at Detention(lolololol) I couldn’t quite shake it. My fascination with my feet and hips far superceded the pop drop spin pump lock thingy routine that I only managed to pick up halfway for coming late due to DS. And I knew Adin was slightly grossed out and Josh was kinda disappointed. But yeah Josh! I want to be really good at both things, but its like y’know, y’know? <_< Momentum and all that. Haha.


The irony is that I’m obviously picking up hiphop faster than I am cha-cha. Lololol. Like half the whole routine in 45 minutes as opposed to nearly nothing of the new variation in 2 hours. <_<


BUT ITS FUNNNNN. HAHA. :D


Blah. So much to talk about today. Even though I only spent like less than half the day in school proper itself. And none of lessons <_<


WHAT. MORNING LESSON CANCELLED THANK YOU GOD HAHA. And then I skipped Advert lecture due to midway talk with Pastor Josh. And afterwards Pris. But I don’t regret it at all. I mean I might later when I’m dying in assignments or something but yeeaahhh. Today’s stuff needed to be said and discussed I think. And I thank you God so much for it. :D Siigggh.




Yeah. Pastor Josh talk really frazzled me. Emotionally as well as logically as well as spiritually. I mean. I though I had it good with God y’know? Not like good, but like. Okay. Like I’m trying to survive school life right now as a Christian and then after Poly we can start going bc intensive and training and all that. Turns out I was horribly wrong. I mean okay perhaps Pastor Josh’s view of me is slightly skewed because I admittedly only turn to him about the big problems and stuff. And not mention the stuff I felt I’ve done was good. But again then its kinda retarded isn’t it. Judging my worth based on what I’ve done and what I’ve not done. Its like a huge danger sign NO DON’T GO THERE with walk with God. Haha. Yeah. I really like PJ’s talks with me though. I mean, both times I’ve had talks with him I’ve gotten owned. Like really really hard kinda owned. He is…very fire and brimstone clear cut to principles and getting to the direct bottom of things with me. I don’t know about other people but yeah with me its like whoooaaaa. Keenan noted he could see my ideals crashing and burning right in front of me. Which is true. Its like omg. Gaaahhhh. Haha. He challenges me a lot. About a number of things. Its true that I needed to see them though. Haha. Talk with Pris helped to wrap my head around stuff a lot. :D


1) Girls.
2) Parents
3) Student Union and other related unacademic things.



Should I reaaaaally go into them? :s I don’t mind taking out the time out to discuss them though, but I know my mom wants me to sleep earlier and stuff and I still have an assignment to do, and a prayer group to attempt to get to school at 7am in the fricken morning. O.O


4 PAGES ON WORD ALREADY OMG OMG HAHA. Sleepy ><

Die. Haha. Just got interrupted by Hosanna! XD. The Paul Baloche one. The high opening kinda song one. Not Hillsongs. Haha. WHICH CONCERT IS COMING SOON YAY YAY HAHA :D



Anywayyyyy. Girls. Lots was discussed. Like like. Yeah. The whole me liking to hang out with girls thing. No not because I’m like gay and stuff and live for my “girlfriends”, but because as a happily heterosexual male I like to enjoy the company of girls. Girls that are fun to talk to and stuff.

“Why?”

“Um, because its fun”

“Why?”


“Cause er. Cause…”


And I proceeded to own myself right then. Yeah. But yeah. :/


“So where is God in all of this”


“Er.”


“Does it do anything for your walk with God”


“><”



LIKE YEAH MAN. HAHA.


Haha. But its true. And I understand where he’s coming from. Like like, if I went into these things with the intention of bringing them to God, then great. But even so there are less complicated ways of reaching out, y’know? And like, even if I have that whole friends and close friends and maybe then policy, and I know where to draw the line with myself as not to get overly emotional attached and stuff and mistakenly think girl is hanging out with me because she likes me and stuff, then I won’t get owned. Like do anything stupid kinda owned. Like I have done in the past. Sigh.

Me and Keenan tried to draw comparison with hanging out with girls with stuff like video gaming and going for movies and stuff. Because its fun. And we almost got there! I swear!


“Ah, but then its different even if you’re still doing your job and getting on with life and everything, you’re playing with someone else’s feelings”



\(><)/
\(><)/


Blah. Haha. Pris proceeded to own me some more with revelation that hey even if you know where to draw the line, does the girl know? Which quite frankly shook me. I had quite nicely never bothered to think about that part of the equation before. The whole “girl likes you but you don’t know but still talk to her lots cause its fun” equation. Because quite frankly, I’ve never thought it would ever happen.

(Secret horribly low self-esteem shows here)


Lol. Yeah. I have solutions to dealing with girls who don’t like you but you secretly like them, I have solutions to dealing with girls who I don’t like and don’t like me back(obviously), and I have solutions to dealing with girls who I don’t like but obviously like me back.


I thought I was covered. I entirely forgot to cover the base of other party liking you back but you don’t know and she’s struggling painfully to draw the line. And it kills her every day to look at you even because she knows we have fun together and we’re so good together and closer than anyone else with each other and we’re great buddies and close and all but yet so far. And she knows she can’t have you because you’ve lightheartedly told her nah “I don’t like you” and she replied likewise because she doesn’t want to ruin the friendship and still hang out with you and stuff but it burns so hard, so hard, especially when you share everything else but that secret and you just can’t tell him. And when he talks to you about other girls that he likes and you laugh and reply and give advice from a “girl’s perspective” and all when actually it’s killing her inside to know she can’t have you.


Stuff like that.



It irks and greatly disturbs me that even though I went through the WHOLE ENTIRE THING ON MY END, and it affected me greatly and I’ll never forget that horrible 2 year long emotional trauma saga, and I came up with solid ways to stop and never ever get into that kind of situation ever again, and give advice to people about holding back, and NOT getting into that, and dealing with the pain and all that, I somehow entirely forgot to think about how to use my experiences to HELP avoid someone going through that entire situation with ME, y’know? Talk about using experiences to help others and think and care about others. I didn’t even consider using it to help the direct other in that situation with me. Sigh. Meh. And I was so ashamed when it hit me. Or rather when Pris laid it out. Lol.


6 pages on Word. @_@

The thing that irks me now is, where do I draw the line? I am eternally grateful that Pris is the awesome person that she is and is in God, that we were able to discuss this situation in full about members of the opposite sex WITH a member of the opposite sex ( :o ) , but even where do I draw the line with her, y’know? Whether we like or may possibly like each other in the future doesn’t matter because she’s not ever ever dating till she’s 21 and I’m going towards and hopefully forming a resolution like that myself, and so our lines are clear and we’re not going to do anything even IF. But where do we take personal (and this means not discussed lol because uhm I simply cannot comprehend that sort of situation right now) responsibility to make sure we reduce possible heartbreaking pain on other party’s end IF? And we wouldn’t know, remember, so its only a possible situation that we would HAVE to prepare for anyway. Yeah. Where is the line drawn? Simple smsing about the randomest of stuff? Like haha joke kinda stuff? And that’s like the most extreme example I can conjure up right now, let alone having to deal with girls that aren’t as solid on the whole drawing lines and promise and resolution stuff that Pris has. Boundaries. PJ is very convicted about having boundaries. But what and where boundaries exactly I forgot to ask him to specify. Sigh. Uhm. Haha. Will ponder and pray and catch Pastor Josh somewhere. Haha. Yeeeeah.


And even the whole talking about big problems thing is slightly unencouraged too. With members of the opposite sex. Which further cements the irony of talking about this with Pris. But yeah I don’t regret it at all haha thank you girl(: Cause like, honestly speaking, we’re not equipped to deal. Lol. And I won’t go into it further but this I understand perfectly. Refer. Refer refer refer. But its so hard on my end to turn people away, y’know? I can try horribly hard but yeah I suppose. Blah.


I mean, where does God come into all of this again? Haha. And this improves my personal relationship with God how? As my pastor noted, me giving help to other people and helping OTHER Christians with their walk with God is great and all, but how does it improve my own walk with God? And he would rather me focus on my own problems to begin with, if only for the sole reason that I find it so much easier to help other people than even begin to think about making hard decisions about my personal life. Yeeeah. But again if there is no biblical stand for or against what I am doing, then it should be fine yeah. Pastors are just giving their personal input and advice after seeing like about a million such situations gone wrong, after all. Except that. Parents would be horribly unhappy. And there’s that whole part about honouring parents. Yes.





Parents of course would be horribly unhappy with all the stuff I do with girls anyway. Not so much the stuff I do I suppose but more about the damned quantity. And no I’m not out having sex or making out or grinding and stuff, but just the simple stuff. Like skyping maybe, but I’m sure I can bring them around about that. The whole focus and easily crushing thing especially. Even if I know to just wait and let it pass. Yeah. The talking with girls one on one thing. ESPECIALLY having girl over to house, or vice versa, even if its purely platonic and innocent and can I use your toilet kinda thing. Which I know that PJ would kick my ass over anyway eh so like lol. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Baaaaahhh. Hahahahaahah.



See, PJ put forward the following motion. The reason why I seek hanging out so much with girls is because these relationships are providing me approval and attention and care and stuff that I am lacking in some part of my life, hence the craving. Which would obviously be parents. I don’t deny it. I look at the relationships that some people have with their parents like Keenan and Pris and Adin and Charmaine and stuff, and I wish beyond wish and hope beyond hope that my parents were kinda like theirs. To be able to joke around. Mess around. Have heart to heart talks about stuff. For understanding. For love omg and yes I really want that so much. And instead there’s so much hate and so little common ground and for so long and stuff I’ve always blamed that on them. They being unreasonable. And bad. And horrible and stuff. And I can obviously deal with relationships with other people in my life so that proves the problem doesn’t lie with me eh. And so I proceed to do my own thing. Which of course further ruins relationship. And this has gone on for sooooo long that now it’s a whole lifestyle thing. Yeah.


So, if girls are providing me attention filling a void left by lack of good parental relationship, and the same interactions with girls are at least on some part causing the void, it makes the equation awfully simple doesn’t it ):


I mean entirely on a logical level of course D=


:/


I mean, command by God and all that! I can’t go wrong!

I know it and I’ve known it but now I have to follow through.

Of course girls aren’t the only thing causing strain with parental relationship, there are like a million other things. Church obviously, but sigh. God still supercedes parents aye, and thank God for that. Haha. I mean if I didn’t believe in God, I wouldn’t have such a huge problem trying to be good with my parents right. I’d just- yeah. Haha. Run off worse and stuff. And quite frankly I’d have been killed by now by my own stupidity. And killed forever and stuff, to boot. So thank you Lord(:


And there are the little things. Going to sleep early LIKE TWO HOURS AGO SIGH, washing dishes which I thankfully have started doing, helping out around house, showing up for dinner, being part of the damn family. Just listening. Even when its hard like come home now kinda hard. And I recoil in shock and horror. But my stand is God, isn’t it! It straightaway becomes a God vs friends/dance/social life thing and we all know the answer to that. My stand is Higher. Now I gotta follow through.


Instead of wanting to do things my way. Because honouring parents isn’t a small thing. It’s a HUGE thing. And not doing it is a stumbling block between me and God. And in my journey towards what God has called me for, its definitely something I have to leave behind. So lets try to get there Lord, you and me, take me there(:




Help me k guys? You guys already tell me not to take a taxi home even when I really really want to which for example has been the case the first 2 days of this week already lol, so if you could convince me to go home for dinner too, that would help muchly.[: Keep me accountable, guys, I need you people for this cause I’m horribly weak on my own. Haha. That is if you’re still reading by this point. O.o And thank you if you are I swear you rule and I thank you for enduring me this long and I promise to stop soon. Haha. :D



Kinda drained at this point. Haha. But I gotta get all of this stuff down! (: XD. Hahahahha. (:




Right. Oh. Lol. I was going to go on to SU and unacademic stuff taking up my time and stuff and being advised not going into all of that if my purpose was not like called my God to go in there and reach out to people and stuff cuz it was just going to take away time from me REACHING OUT to people in my daily school life! As well as the whole parents factor as well <_<


BUT I can’t right now because my mom just told me to go to bed. Haha. I told her I still had work to do and stuff, but she said I could do it tmr. And I really doubt so, because I only have a time space of an hour, but I believe in faith that if I honour my mom now, God will honour me in turn. XD. Yeah.


So yes I have to go! And Lord please do take me through tmr. Through rushing assignment in morning, through tutorial, through newswriting test. And honouring You and gosh hopefully maybe bringing a few people closer to You. :D And of course even waking up to hit prayer group on time XD


Bless my mom too Lord, and my dad, for sticking with this wilful retard so long(:


Night guys :D Watch this space for a testimony. :DD



Dude that is such an awesome signoff line. “Watch This Space For A Testimony”

XDDDD HAHAHAHAH.



OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY.


NIIIIGGGHTT<3


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