Heartshatter

It hurts like hell Lord. And it shouldn't, but it does, and i'm not sure entirely why either.
I mean, I'm pretty sure I know the cause, but I doubt its all that really. It seems inconceivable that I can be hit so hard by the giving up of a girl that i took so many precautions and failsafes precisely in order TO NOT be emotionally destroyed like this if anything untoward happened. ):

GAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

Desperately clutching my mac listening to healer on the way home and I almost broke down again. Like, I literally teared midwalk. And this isn't right. I mean, I'm bloody frustrated with myself lah. How can I possibly allow something as trivial as this to crush me so badly. I'm honestly very unhappy with myself for being this way. Yes Lord I know you made me a certain way. You gave me certain flaws. And your power is made perfect in my weakness and all that. BUT I'M STILL FEELING THE PAIN KAY AND I'M NOT LIKING BEING ALL THAT WEAK ALRIGHT.

I mean yeah do not like. I hate being hit by an emotional sledgehammer that doesn't seem to hit others everytime something like this happens. I hate always having to depend on people, to get them to listen to me, call me at night, get them to cheer me up, all of that. I know that generally they don't mind, God bless them, but i HAVE to stop being so dependant on people! How am i supposed to grow this way! Its messed up!

And i'm so, so sick of it Lord):

I want to be stronger. I want not to dwell on these things. I want to be bloody more effective. I want not to constantly feel that hole in my heart that inexplicably You're supposed to fill but somehow it doesn't always work and I feel guilty that it doesn't.

I hate being vulnerable Lord. I honestly want to just go to You, forget everything, forget everything, forget everything, and praise Your name deliriously. You know I am willing. But whyyyyyy do you keep letting this happen to me):

Yes I know, perfect plan of Yours and all that and you have my back but it only makes it a little bit easier to take, Lord. I want to grow, I want to cast this thing off, I want to mature in You.

Arrrgh. I know all the right answer Lord, but I'm weak and right now all I want to do is to be held. For someone to pick up the phone and say that God told her/him I needed comfort right now. It would be awesome. But it doesn't solve anything! I desperately want to be emotionally independant Lord. On my own. Okay fine not on my own. With You. But its hard.