THURS FRI SAT - 10 TO 12 JUNE

Saturday - 12/6/10

Soooo.

Many thoughts. Someday I will attack the gauntlet of emotion that has been Thursday-Friday, so much has been happening, its pretty crazy, but I'll just hit up my thoughts about now first.


Yesterday was interesting. I got so many brownie points because I honoured my parents and showed up at the family thing as opposed to church. I was so. bored. But it was okay. Sigh. Was really interested on the way over in bringing the atmosphere over there, being an apostle, and I was reviewing much of my notes for SSM past few days on the train. Pretty epic. I love the way I take notes.

So it was good. But all the brownie points I had seem to have gotten shattered when I decided to stay over for Josh's birthday party instead of going home like I had agreed to, and broke honour.

Got back this morning at 830am, and my parents are so disappointed. I see where they're coming from, about worry. Because I didn't contact them, because my phone died. But yeah there go the brownie points.


The interesting thing is...I didn't stay over at Josh's because I wanted to have fun. I'm clear on that.

Jessie was there. Jessie was at Josh's party and she was beautiful. And I mean that in a 'I care so much about her as a friend' kinda way. I've forgiven her ages ago, but we don't talk much anymore, and at the party I was just seeing her through God's eyes. As the beautiful person that she is, not just outside but inside, even though she thinks she's so crappy on the inside.

I saw how she tried to watch out for the other girls, make sure that they don't drink too much. And when she got drunk, I didn't see her as uncontrollable at all, many people did, but she's an amazing person.

And I chose to stay over because I wanted to fix things. At least help that, somewhat. Its not going to be over in a night, and there's not much I can do, but time spent helps. And the intention to have time spent helps, and I know will help whatever in the future.

Just investing time. I could never be with this girl, I don't want to be, but I want to help her realise who she is. For her to step into the beauty that she is.

I understand that there are limitations to what I can do, that there are boundaries, but yeah. Slowly, surely, I do want to help her realise the amazing person that she is.

Sounds awesome, huh.

Thing is, I chose honouring my friendship with Jessie over honouring my parents. And that was the mistake. I realise that it was a mistake, it was a choice, and not a very good one. And while things with Jessie went well, I didn't have to be there. It was not that big a deal.

I screwed up, Lord. Hahhaa. Why am I laughing? Because I know you're helping me realise that I made a mistake, but you're not condemning me for it. I can try harder next time :)

You're so amazing Lord.

So :)

So amazing :)

Ugh. I hate alcohol. Like honestly. Drinking acid is reaaaaalllly not my thing.

Spent the best time talking to Rachael. Sigh :) So hilarious. I was dozing on a couch, and I called her, and the call went through, and I clambered behind the couch, on the floor away from everyone so I could talk to her.

For ages. Had the best time. The best feeling in the world, knowing that all that is going on around me, people are messing about on the PS3, and people are trying to work out relationship drama and all that, or recovering from alcohol, and here I am, talking to the girl I love, who wants to talk to me, and nothing else matters.

Sigh :)

Crazy. I'm so happy, and so proud of her. Like amazingly :)


Soooo. That was today. Uhm. I did get some sleep, but I'm not sure if I should get a bit more. Sigh. Dance todaaayyy. I'm so afraid I won't catch up. D: But its okay, God -hug-

It'll be okay :)

-hug-


Thank you Dad. You're amazing :)

Ohyeah. I walked into the hawker after I got back from the family thing, and every single table in the centre wanted to say hi to me. It was the best feeling. I love these guys so much. Thank you God, for blessing me socially here. It really means a ton ton ton ton ton.

It means huge. Sigh :)


Thank you Daddy :)

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Thursday - 10/6/10

Crazy gauntlet.


Might as well hit that now. Hahaa. Its been pretty crazy. I had the most emotional time today, Thursday, pretty mad. I thought today was going to be the best day. Got up early, got to church early, ready to journal, amazing dreams, ready to see Rachael at night.


And the teaching by Kris in the morning was amazing, as usual. Crazy day going crazy well.

Then I found out I couldn't go to Rachael's thing. Because its true, I didn't ask permission, just assumed, and Pastor Jenn was exercising discipline here.

I was so emotionally wrecked. So. And I wasn't even sure why. Its not so much that I can't go to Rachael's. I mean, that matters. But so much else. Priorities, needing a father figure, needing someone to talk to about Rachael, dance, school, everything.

Pretty mad.


School isn't school unless you've ever run into a hidden staircase to cry. Or try crying. Desperately hoping no one is going to come in, and bolting up or down a flight of stairs if you think someone is coming.


Yeah.

Hahahah. Was so, so stoned throughout all of Dan's teaching. I mean. It was good. Learned a bunch. But so emotionally tired. So drained. And Kenzo and Gid and the rest picked up on it. I'm glad. I'm their friend, not their leader. And until someone tells me different, they're my community. My friends.

And I want to lean on them too.

Yeah.

Gosh. Had a massive long talk with Pastor Josh later. About a whole bunch. I was so emotionally wrecked. And he made time for me. We missed the after-break afternoon session. Talked about a whole bunch, all the issues, seasons and everything, and especially my relationship with Rachael. Bam. There it was. He shared a bit more about Sharon and him. I was so glad. That means a whole lot to me.

Yeah. And stuff, we settled, etc...

It was good. I decided to go down with the rest to AISS later. Just cause. I'm silly that way. And a hopeless romantic. Its like I seek out the drama in my life.

Hahahhaa. Exciting. Loved the school, hung around, had to drag myself back....

Then on the way back to church, long bus trundling, having made and exercised my decision to honour and be correctable, and receive instruction...


And a message comes from my dad informing me about NS on 28 June.

Wut.

Pretty crazy.

Well....storm in a teacup. I really do feel that God is giving me a choice here. We've been talking about knowing God's heart, and knowing the prophecies and promises he has for you, and being intimate in him, and knowing we have a choice, and I feel in this time, as I make a choice with my desire, he'll open that door.

Cause he's cool like that.

So. Man...came back to church.

Learned a ton from Kris, but nothing maybe I couldn't get over the audio mp3. Funny as, though. I could have died. River of Ezekiel. Hahahhaha gosh. Mad.


Well, because I honored especially when it was hard, I never left God's covering. I mean, God can do whatever He wants, and release grace whenever, but there was a certain reward coming to me because I did honor. And was open to receiving instruction.


And that was ministry time at night. I got to minister to a few people. Firstly, I was so affirmed on words of knowledge. I had a few, was still feeling pretty down, and wondering if I should release them, but as I got up to the front, all 3 words I had got released already. Lol.


Which was good. Cause I was encouraged. It was like God telling me, 'its okay, I love you, see, you got it right. I love you, good job.'

Pretty awesome. Haha. Sooooo. Helped to minister. Prayed for someone with a back injury. Flowed in the Spirit. I saw fire running down his back, felt that I was supposed to pray in that way. And release that. And he was completely healed. So, amazing :)

Paul worked with me for this session, and it was really encouraging. And so good to work with him. We really click. Creative crazy cheerful people who just want to 'go for it' make me happy. Not all the HIPPERS are like that. And I so wish for a mentor that's sorta like that. In that area. It'll figure out sometime. Hahaa.


Oh yeahhhhhh. Earlier during the day. In the morning. Kris talked about owls. Which is pretty crazy. Cause I had that vision for Blanca on her birthday, one of the first prophecies I had during SSM. First week. And I wondered if she remembered. I mean, I would. Yeah. She did. And we went up to talk to Kris about it. Very cool. I love interacting with global giants of this ages. Just interacting and soaking with them. And picking up whatever I can. Because I feel that I'm so called to the global stage. Really. There is I suppose an apostolic passion within me. Really. Like Keith, like Kris, Dan, Kevin, etc. Just this passion to go around the world and bring a culture from where I am to where I'm going.

I've always had that. I don't know how that's going to work. But I feel, and God has always given me dreams and a sense of the global stage.

Speaker to nations. God just told me this. Sigh :)


Anyway. Praying for people. Second person who came up, a lady. And a full on case study on what Dan taught about bones, and speaking words of life into them, breaking off negative words off death, and using that to heal, happened exactly right in front of me.

Me and Paul got to experience that, like a model, 101, 'this is supposed to happen' kinda case. Haha. It was so good. Yes. Like we prayed and prayed, but nothing was going on, and I knew it had something to do with the miracle power not working, and having to use authority power. But that's all I got. No idea what to do. But as we pressed in and prayed again, she shared that her mouth was physically moving very fast, something was moving it, and I prophesied over her in that, that the Holy Spirit was anointing her lips, giving her words of power, short, not lengthy messages, but very powerful, to people around her in her office, etc.

And as that was going on, the Spirit came upon her visibly, mouth moving more, shaking, hands trembling etc.

I didn't feel any fire on my end, btw. Hahaha. It was pretty chill. Uh. So I know I wasn't trying to manipulate anything.

And as that was happening, Paul started breaking off words of death, led by the Spirit. And I was like 'OH'.

HAHA. That's what we're supposed to do! So worked with Paul, let him know I was gonna release words of life (she was breaking down and sobbing crazily at this stage), and we were just ministering, ministering to her heart, the knee thing is just a side thing, but we're ministering to her heart.


And I get more prophetic stuff about her childhood, not much, but a little, and as I release, more comes, and more comes, and I just release by faith. Hopefully it was true. But I know it is. Hahahha. uh.

And I'm thinking....'I don't think we're supposed to leave her in sobbing. Hm'.

And then she breaks out in full-on joy. Haha. Like, full-on. And I didn't do anything. Very cool. And she's just laughing, and laughing :)

We asked her what was going on then, later, and she said she had never experienced God that way before ever. And I know we didn't do any prompting. So, very cool. Very cool to be affirmed that this is real. That the joy this way is real. Haha. Not a parlour trick. We already knew that, but more affirmation is always good :)


Soooooo. Was very encouraged and grew a lot that night, in activation. Haha. Also saw Dillan. Campus Crusade guy. Had a chance to affirm him loads for his impact in my life. And Kenny prayed for me and prophesised that yes, I have a choice. And just greatly encouraged me about the NS thing.

Sooooooo. Mad day. Hahhaha. Pretty mad huh. I mean, it ended so well. God is good. But definitely very emotional. Roller-coaster. Crazy.


But yeah. Got home so tired. Hahahaa.

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Friday - 11/6/10

I guess the biggest thing about today was that I woke up feeling so emotionally tired. Like soooo. I woke up and dozed in God for awhile, but just felt very tired, even just spending time with him chilling. And so unsure about whether the choice I'm making is the right one. Because even though i have a choice, I desperately want to get it right. I don't want to be all 'oh I feel I know God's heart' and go boldly, and get it wrong.

Ugh. That scared me more than anything else. I recognize now that that fear, that insecurity that God would be pleased with me no matter what choice I made, or even if I heard him rightly about choices, that fear was not God. Was devil. So. But yeah :)

Was verrrrry tired. And I was like, God, please give me a word. I know Dan's gonna do something, please let someone give me a word. To encourage me. And direction.


So I get to church and the first thing Dan does is a in-house treasure hunt, and like TEN people come up to me giving me words :O


I get the point God. Hahhahaha. Thank you. You're so amazing. Thank you for listening to me and being so precious, for seeing me so preciously.

So many encouraging words, but very little about 'a choice' to make. I felt that God was just letting me know that he loves and pays attention to me, but in this, he's leaving the choice to me, that's why he's leaving it open.

So yeah. I'm determined to keep it simple. There could be so many reasonings and rationalising back and forth, but God's just like 'keep it simple. You have a choice'.

And I'm just gonna go with that. And act on that. I know He'll open the door. I choose to know it.


Yeah. Friday was pretty crazy in other ways too. Talking to La, and calling up CMPB. You say the door is opened, God. I interpret that as the door opened for my deferment. So I pray your release into that situation :)

Uhhh. Night. Cell. Trying to teach and convey some stuff. Running into a roadblock with Pearl. I tried to stretch her and convey a point to the cell that you can prophesy at any time, its easy, I jumped it on her during dinner, to prophesy over Carmen. And she backed off. and was like 'i don't think i can do it now'.

And I was like 'wilt'.

D:


Hahha but owell. We spoke later and worked it out. We do have to get together and talk about values and how to work together and all that. Cause honestly, Pearl rubs me the wrong way so many times. We're very different people, very different visions. And mine isn't better than hers. We can def learn from each other, especially in this season.

Yeah :)

Anyhooooooo. yes. Hanging out with John from the Philippines, very awesome. He's like a me-clone. We were just sitting in the centre of the aisle, hollering and going crazy, and it wasn't like me leading or anything. WHICH IS AMAZING. WE'RE SO ALIKE. ITS CRAZY. Not like keenan-bounce! But really a me-clone!

Which is insane. I feel that in the future we might be global giants together. Contemporaries cross globe. Thank you God for sending him into my life. It was great support and affirmation for who I am. Diversity is good....but the same is also, very good. It really was so timely. Thank you for John. Haha sigh.

Revolutionaries :)


Covert ministries, or overt? I feel called to both. And great crazy things in both. I guess, seasons. But yeah. :)

I figure one would prob bore me to death :P

I'm thinking.....prob covert first. And after a crazy season in there, in the battlefield....then taking that experience to overt ministries. And travelling and equipping others to do covert ministry.


Gonna be amazing.
Hahhaaa. Yes :)



SO THAT WAS FRIDAY. WE ARE DONE. WOOOHOOOOO.

I declare I am a revolutionary.

I declare I am a dancer

I declare I am a speaker to nations

I declare I am highly prophetic

I declare the apostolic passion upon my life. No idea if I'm a pastor or prophet or apostle yet, I have passions for all of those, but.....hey.

I declare I am a blessing to God and people around me.

I declare I am a leader of the charge

I declare I am a Joshua, in the thick of the battle.

I declare I am a warrior, a lion.

I declare I am precious, and loved, a pearl.

I declare I am a king, son of The King, brother of The Most High :)


Nuts. Insane. Fun as :)


Fireeeeeeeeeeeeee.


:) :) :)

Love you God :)