May 1 2010

Hey Daddy,

We kissed today. Omg. thinking about it, typing it, makes me feel so happy. I am so, so thankful, God.

So thankful. Its indescribable. Maybe I'm being silly. But I'm so thankful. Rachael is amazing. And I am in love with this girl.

In love. And we kissed. And sparks flew. The world melted away. All I can see is her.

Its crazy. I'm crazy. Whoa God. Is this right? You're not saying its wrong....just everyone else is.

.

Parents, leaders, the church, etc.

Sigh. But I'm not going to dwell on that for now, God. There is love here. This is happy. Let's not let Satan steal it away? I am so confused, sometimes. But I know that this is good. Love is good.

Doubts and fears are not. Screw them. Get thee away from me, Satan.


Ohhhman.

Yesterday....was the most amazing day of my life. Part 2. The first was....19th Feb. We all know what happened there.


You know what I hate? I hate it when Rachael's friends ask 'how long have you two been going out'. And I'm like..uhhhhhhh.

I hate saying that we're not. I hate saying that we're just trying to be friends. Either way, it feels so loser, cause we're def not acting like friends, we don't want to be, but we're stuck in the middle somewhere and its such a loserish compromise.

But ahhhhh.

I just want to be with this girl, God. I want to say she's my girlfriend. Care for her. Hang out. Belong.

Together.

But. Blehhhh.


But yes she is so amazing. Thank you God.

Crazy.

I still feel her lips. I still feel her kissing my face, neck, touching me, holding me, I never want to be away from this girl.

I want to die, God. Ahhhhh.

She's so beautiful, and so amazing, inside and out.

Yesterday....I met the girl at like, 3pm. And she was gorgeous.


I'm going to remember those memories forever. Cuddling on the bus. Just talking enjoying her. Ignoring everyone else.

Getting off the bus. Her hand finding mine. And I was like 'omg.'


Magic. It just fit. Our hands fit. We walked in sync together. That never happened with Genny. Awkward as.


Yeah. Walking down to the beach, past the houses, under the shade of the trees, holding hands, talking, laughing....mad.


Omgggg. Thank you God.

Just thank you. Can I really wait for this? I don't know ):



Crazy. Walking down the path as the sunlight danced across the path...nearly getting hit by a tree because I'm looking at her so much..

Man.

Magic.

I miss you. Rachael.

And then. Going to east coast. Holding hands. Sitting at the benches. Just lost in her.

I was just lost in her.


Lost.

Perfect day, perfect weather. Thank you God. Grass so green, sea so blue, wind so breezy.

And honestly there's not much I can remember. Because after we started kissing, my head exploded.


I remember holding her. I remember staring at her eyes. I remember me trying to kiss her, nosing her, and she not letting me. Keeping in control. I remember her saying 'we should walk' and I saying 'can I hold you for five minutes more, please'.


And we did. And thenn...honestly I can't remember if we started kissing before or after she traced my face again, and said 'I love you'.

And I said 'I love you'.

Because I really do. It was bouncing around in my head the whole time, the whole week, ages. All the times I was saying I miss you, wishing I could say I love you. Hoping that it really was love. Scared that it was. Not letting myself.


But I do love her. I love Rachael. So much. Omigoshh. We're in love. Thank you God. I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. If not, whats the point. Siighhh.

I'm dying.

And then we started kissing. I think I went in. I'm not sure. She let me. We shared a slow, sweet kiss. A full kiss. So amazing. And then we started kissing more. More. Nuts.


I remember so much of that, its impossible to describe with words. Okay not really. But yeah. Just...finally. Kissing the girl I love. She kissing me back. Leaving me breathless. Face-sucking, we were doing, pretty much. Omigosh.


I love you, Rachael, I love you.

Mad. We stayed there till 530. And then we left. And as we walked back along the same path we came, holding hands....we could not stop stopping to kiss each other. Crazy. She's just as crazy as I am. Maybe more. Nuts. Thank you God. Crazy.


I love this girl.

Siiighhh.


How do we be friends now? Idunno. Crazy D:





Rest of the day was pretty perfect. Ash's party at Davis'. I hope I turned out okay. Thank you God for general acceptance. And hitting it off with the rest. Sorta. I really do want to hang out with them more. You know that I've been ready for this my whole life. Australian, western culture. I've always been ready. The guys, the girls, even if I'm not dating them :rolls eyes:

Crazy. And funnily yeah I do prefer hanging out with the guys. Until I start hanging out with Rachael...


I want to be with her so much. But I also don't want to be stuck to her at parties and such? Yeah. We can be, but we're missing out on so much individually. But yeah. Amazing fun. Making out in the dark. Ahahaha. I can't not. I'd make out in the day, hold her, but I wonder what it'd do for her social life :P


Mad.


Yeah. Help me to get to know the rest of them soon, God. Its insanely fun. Yeah.


Wish I could, but with them all thinking we're going out....and we wanting to go out...but trying not to....


Arrrgh. ._.




Nutters. Shery's party was okay. Pretty meh, honestly. Hahhaa sigh. Wish Rachael was there. But its kay. Got to the mrt late. Made Rachael wait. Never again, okay D: I had good reasons, but yeah D: Waffy is right. I should get there half an hour early. Never make a lady wait. Etc.

Grateful to him for staying.

And it was cool to talk to him...


Yeah. Hung out some with Liyana, Izan, Christian, etc. Yeah (:

Great fun. Quiet, but yeah.


Overnight prayer. Hhahhaa. Umm. God, you and I know, yeah. I was soaking, dwelling in you. Feeling like crap for breaking 'boundaries'. But honestly....isn't that like a law? A law which condemns? Which isn't the point?


Yeah. And so...most of overnight, just soaking. In you.

Thank you that you don't condemn me. I'm not quite sure why, but I know that you don't. I think you approve of Rachael and I, Lord. I really think you do. I hope you do. Your approval means so much D:


Please send your approval in a tangible form? Ish?


Yeahhhh. Disadvantaged and marginalized. Honestly....I wasn't really hugely on fire for them. Uh. But praying anyway. I know that there is a shift in obedience as well. And commitment. And the power of community is right there, encouraging each other on.


Yeah.

Okay. I'm done word vomiting. Long. Hahhaha sigh.


So much happened today, Lord. I'm so happy.


Thank you so much.


Just, thank you. Help me to love you more than I do Rachael. Cause deep down, I know that's what I was created for, Rachael yes, but you first.


Love,