4 April 2010 Journal

4 April 2010 Journal

Soooo. Haha thoughts.

I suppose there is a ton. But first, I break the shackles that have been put on me so I don't journal. I break em, in the mighty name of Jesus.

Yeahhhh. Its okay to just talk, I don't need a polished entry or something. Just thoughts are fine (: Don't need to get EVERYTHING down too, though it would be nice...


So I suppose the biggest thing ytd would have been the movie. Very interesting. Furious Love. My thoughts? This was what God was giving me during it.

1. What that Jason guy, that pastor was doing, is what I am called to do. I think so, anyway. I look at that, and know with every fibre of my being that I am supposed to be there. I've been gifted with speaking, knowing how to convey points, lead crowds, being in tune with crowds, breaking tradition, and LOVING them. Gosh.

I do sometimes think I'm not good enough. That I'm afraid that no ministry will want me. But you know what. God wants me. That's good enough for me.

2. What does ministry actually mean? Is it prayer? Is it holding a worship session, healing session, ministry session?

Well, ministry is meeting needs. Why. Out of love. And carrying a bucket for a friend is love. Carrying a bucket for a stranger. Unnatural love. But love. And that is what I got from the whole thing. That we love them, not try to fit them into a formulae of treasure hunts or even word of knowledge or even prayer.

Though all those things are pretty powerful.

But esp in this culture, felt needs. What people want. In Orchard road, the last thing someone rushing down the street is to be stopped by a bunch.

I'm not saying they don't need to.

But they're a lot less receptive. Let's be practical about love. There's a place for that too, but okay pick the spots where people need help, and want help, at least openly.

So. Shops. Saying hi, enquiring about business, buying something. If buying something opens them up to letting us pray for them. Let's go for it. Cater to where their needs are at, not try to fit them into a model which we prefer out of 'principle'.

Helping the security guard. Talking to the taxi driver. NOT talking to the shop keeper when he's really busy.

Set up a sign and let people come. Go to a spiritual convention and talk to people looking for spiritual stuff. Yeah.

Meeting them where they're at. Smiling at the hawker uncle. Giving him the time of day. Listening to a friend. Hearing out a stressed person.

That is really is love.

We don't need training, or an event for that. Just love. And a willingness.


Which is why I stayed up with Naomi last night. And Rachel. And heard them out. As opposed to trying to drop a bomb.

Give me more love, God. This camp. Just to make people feel loved.

Leaders, comm, gls. Freshmen. Everything.

A time of worship at camp? Maybe probably. But lets not plan a spectacle. We'll do it if we want to, because we love worshipping you. We'll pray, heal, but let's not make a spectacle out of it.

Its about meeting their needs your way.

Though God, it would be cool if you hit me with Jabez appointments. So many. Over and over again. Healing. Word of knowledge. Like, really hit me, Lord, even as I understand it isn't about all that.

Crazy.

3. The love thing. Hahaha. Nearly died. God, you're the male in the relationship, huh. And you're going to chase, chase and chase, and make it really hard for me not to love you, huh.

What does that mean for me and Rachael :P

Hahahaha. Or that second part. People in love. Its not about principles, but driven by a desire to get closer. And closer.

Yeahhhhh still out on the jury about that one. I definitely agree, but I'm afraid to agree.

I'm crazy enough about her as it is, and trying to put on the brakes, but its not really working out D:

Yes, in my mind, it makes sense. I love you, therefore I don't love you. But its, so hard. God. Feels so unnatural. D:

D:


Hahhaha well. God I thank you so much for her and I. Right now....we pretty much are in a relationship, God. One where I'm trying to hold onto all the brakes but D:


She's so amazing.


I want to die.


Hahhaha ursh. What do you think about that? I feel like you're laughing, in joy that I'm happy, and understanding, but vaguely disapproving. Like I'm such a kid.

Hhahaha gosh but I am, right. D:



"We think we're all mature and stuff, that we know what's going on. Then we fall in love, and it all goes to pot"



She's...beautiful. God. Like I was created to go there.

Feelings feelings feelings. Bleagh. Hahahha sigh.


Hahhaha smile sigh smile?


Goshhhh. Pouring on the love on Rachel Chan now. Love her God. Shape her, mold her, don't let her break.

What am I saying. You won't :P

But God yes please cover her. I can't do anything, only you can.




Hahhaha back to Rachael. Yeah. That part about not feeling like its a 3 way with you on top, God? Its not feeling that way anymore. More like parallel ):

I am uncomfortable with that ):


But its so hard, I'm so crazy over her. Save me please? And save her, because I think she feels pretty much the same way.

I submit to you, God, because I know its good for us, even though its hard to think clearly when I think of her.


Putting you back on top would be through the self control. Because the motivation for the self control is you, and the action is the obedience that completes the faith.


But its soooooooooooo hard.

Thank you for saving me today. I'm really grateful.


I want you more, God.

You're amazing.

Let camp be amazing, and shape us both. To depend on you first, God.

Though I missssss her.

My comfort is that I know you understand. Sorta. Hahhaha.

Gosh. Thank you for not being condemning. It means a lot, God.


(:

I'm soooooo silly.

Yes, I know you know.

D:


I'm soooo grateful, God.


Okay, pay attention to Nat? Got it. Please let me get the phone charger God :P

And give me enough rest, help me really love today, be a good GL that brings blessing and glorifies your name.

Thank you for this opportunity, this experience to come full circle.

Dance, help me catch it. Etc. Relationships. Cell matters.

Bring it all to you, God.


I know you're in control

<3


So grateful I journalled. Thank you <3


And I thank God so much for my pastors, and Ps Josh, and La.


Really. Thank you. Really bless them. :3


Oh yeahh I wanted to tell Vic about how his words from you meant so much yesterday.


But I can't remember. Something about a house >< And being afraid to come in. Though that related more to you, God. And for me it was more a confirmation about me and my family. And there was something....


Ohhh yeah. The pressure. The pressure of feeling I can't crack, have to be a certain way, have to watch so much, because of my position in the youth. And I like it and sometimes I want to run away and hide. And sometimes I resent that the pastors have piled a bit of that onto me, making me worry about everything, because of my 'great influence.' Though that's just a feeling, and probably pretty much a lie. They tell me about my influence out of love that I grow and use it properly.

But its still stressful sorta. Which is why I'm so grateful that Pastor vic brought it up.


On the family note, I forgot to mention.




The biggest thing about furious love. Where do I go. Where do I start.

God said, family. That's my focus. Evangelism's koo. But my family. Show I love them. Start from there.



Its very exceedingly clear. So housework, helping, staying home and stuff. Yarrrgh.


After I come back from camp I suppose? Its still a challenge ):



Bless my cell, God. Bless this youth. They're amazing. Thank you for my 'brother' Kenzo. Hahahha. Really.

Let them be leaders I am proud to follow.



Yay I journalled. Thank you God. (: (: (: