Saturday Night

Sitting here listening to Back Here, Ultimate, and old Chinese songs, of all things. And trying pointedly not to think about girls.




Oh screw it, I badly want to believe in love again.


You know, the fairytale kind. The boy meets girl, boy likes girl, girl actually likes boy back kind. The daring kind, the impulsive kind, the one that rewards taking a heroic risky chance kind.


I’m just so tired of having to keep such a tight rein over everything, you know? Its f***ing frustrating. Yes, I’m a huge sceptic of the whole love thing.

But the biggest sceptics are only the ones that have been goddamned hurt the most.


I’m tired of having all the answers. I’m tired of always seeing the right way to tactfully tread around situations, even though I’m generally correct. I’m tired, just so tired, of being mature.



I want to let go.

Would it be so bad, to get past that principle that I never ever want to be that pathetic ever again?

Well, yeah.


And herein we have a catch-22.

This is annoying.


And I’m probably gonna go read the post two posts below this to answer my own frustrations, because it has all the right answers there already.

That’s even more annoying.

I shall stop rambling. Later. Hmmph. Back to control. Back to having all the answers. Back to praying for others, giving advice to others, and not doling out my problems left and right in really long conversations at night over the phone because I already know the answers and I have this bad guilt mental thing about burdening other people.

Back to depending on God, to handle everything for me, to depend on handling the crappy stuff for me that I can’t seem to break out of. To watch my future for me, to give me my life-mate in His own good timing.

SEE. EVEN THAT IS AN ANSWER IN ITSELF. IT IS ANNOYING.

BLAGH.


It seems that I’m suffering from a bad case of arrogance. Won’t someone come and explain/break me out of it. Pastor Josh, Pris, anyone. ):


/glum.

And one of the worst things is that I’ll probably be all cheered up by the morning.

And if I’m not, I’m prettttyyy much going to be locked in all the way til Saturday, where mebbe there’ll be an altar call or something hopefully will happen by God’s grace to heal/snap me out of it like He always does (:

Hopefully.


See, for some reason I am somewhat reluctant to go to God right now about it, because He ALWAYS seems to give me the logically right and wise answers. And right now, the problem is that I DON’T WANT the logically right and wise answers. At least, I don’t want them to “come” to me while asking God for it, and praying about it. Which to be honest yes it isn’t me, its God, and I think I am taking pride in the wrong thing, which is taking pride in the ability to “ask God” about something.


Which of course is entirely the wrong thing to do. But I’m trying to work through all the muck I have in my brain now as honestly as possible, so bear with me.


The summary: It’s a whole vicious cycle thing. Which gets very confusing, trying to follow the chain back to its source. Heck, I don’t even know what I’m talking about right now half the time here. AAAAH.


I think I am very confused right now. This is horribly annoying.


Lets try again. I am. Getting prideful in my willingness to “ask God” about logical/moral/social dilemmas, and solutions to problems, not just mine but other peoples. Which is bad because even though I know the answers are not mine, but clearly from God, and I give Him the glory out loud, and to the people I maybe give advice to, secretly in my heart it seems at least some part of me has been taking wrongful pride for it. Even though I try as much as I can, at least outwardly, to be humble and give the praise to the right Person, rightfully.

Except I’m such a screwed-up person I actually have the ability to take pride in being humble.

Goddammit.

Burn Lord, burn it away, search my heart and burn away everything that is not of you. I am sorry, and I repent, but I don’t know if it will happen again, but stop me Lord, don’t let it happen, help me to stop for a moment and take check of my heart and where it is leaning whenever, wherever. Okay? Thank You Lord, I know I have been forgiven (: And thank you for forcing me to use this blog entry to THINK about the whole thing, and fix the whole problem again. Thank you, and all the glory goes to You, both inside and out.

Help me NOT to fall into this trap/lie again. That I have the answers. That it is “smart”/ “good” of me to always go to You in prayer. To take personal glory in it, even if only secretly on the inside.

Help me to not take pride in being humble, as retarded a concept it might sound. :/


And I am sorry. Thank you Lord for being patient with me. And I don’t want to be stupid. Not really. Only in the area of love really, because I am a hopeless romantic, but lets not go there today. I see no way out of it anyway.


/exasperation.


Ohwell’


Meh. That was a huge waste of time. Wasn’t it. Hahahhahaha. I am sorry for taking you on such a winding trip around the inner workings of my mind. Bleagh. But thank you for reading, just the thought of you reading my blog inspired me and held me accountable to be as honest with you/myself as humanely possible, out of responsibility to my readers, and as so you have helped, and stood by me, and supported me already even as I type this, even long before you popped online to read this and maybe tag later. Thank you(:


I still do want to let go.

But is it even..possible?

:/