Hmmmmm

Oh who am i kidding. I'm not a good dancer. Lol.



But force me into a studio for 2 weeks with youtube and all and i very well could be, s'long as you keep me happy.


Gosh my sense of I-can-do-anything is incorrigible.


But seriously! :/ I shall not explain myself any further, I think i've dug a big enough hole for myself already HAHA.



So i was bugging around on the com again, and i suddenly feel quite inspired even as the effects of Rapture slowly fade away, cause I just stumbled on yet another dancer's blog. And i've decided that my current favourite people are dancers who love God :D


Who says the two don't go together? (:




Ohyeah. My mom. *wince*



ANYWAY. Here plugs testimony. I might as well, after forwarding it to Keenan and all.



WARNING: REALLY LONG POSSIBLY OVERDEEP POST GOING THROUGH ABOUT THE PAST ALL OF MY LIFE BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW ME BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF OR SOMETHING, GO RIGHT AHEAD.



Otherwise, scroll right down to the bottom and save both you and me some grief. :D


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I grew up in a Christian family, you already know that. Haha. Went to church since before I can remember, grew up with stories of David, Esther, Samuel and the Five Loaves and Two Fishes. All my life, knowing that this person called Jesus the Son of God lived and died for us, washing our black blood white with his red blood, etc.

Problem was, growing up like that, I never took it seriously much. I mean, I guess I was saved at like K2? But looking back on my life since then it wasn’t really about God. It was about me. What I wanted. My reasons. My decisions. My kinda badly skewed up motivations:/

And it showed lah. I never had much respect for teachers or anyone since young. Got sent to the principal forever in primary school for getting soaked in the rain, being the ringleader of this gang against a rival gang thing (hey, it was Primary 1. Come on. I sat down on first day of school and looked across, and decided I didn’t like this guy cause his name was funny, and he didn’t like me either, so yeah ._.)

Was smart though. Growing up my parents and me heard the same thing over and over again from my various teachers. “Qi En is a really smart kid, but he needs to focus. Grow up. Have respect. Etc” And that didn’t really help things much…

So I got worse. Argued with parents a whole lot. Got pissed when they did the whole “don’t argue with me. You are so disrespectful” shut off thing. Which happened often. Didn’t do my work. Still got in trouble a lot. In church, I knew the “Bible”. The stories and stuff. But I doubt I really Knew the Word. Carried on the way I had always carried on. Lazy. Naughty. Sleeping or playing during messages. Church was just this thing that was cool, hey Jesus died for me yay I believe that, now lets have some fun!

And other parents and teachers that were heavily involved in the church, the stuff they did, I looked at them as they walked past and thought “I want to have fun first. Serving God can wait.”

So that was basically my mindset as a kid. Not once did I give any thought to the fact that I wasn’t being a good Christian. Friends who were Buddhist and stuff were the prefects and all, and I was pretty much the most notorious kid back in Fairfield Primary, where I was from Primary 3 onwards. Didn’t do schoolwork starting from Primary 4, fighting, stealing plastic soccer balls from the PE room, ignoring Chinese teachers, getting into a fight with EVERY single one of them that taught me.

..Yeah. And secondary school got worse. Never did my work. Never copied either. Lied a lot, to everyone. I stole. From the library. From my parents’ wallets. From friends. Classmates. I would go into classrooms during morning assembly and ninja out money from wallets left there.

):

Not something I’m proud of at all, but yeah.. * wince *


And God was..Idk where He was in this. Really. I hardly knew what I was doing at that point.

So suddenly I’m Sec 4, after much drama all through my life. Not very well-liked, not quite sure why, doing very badly in mostly everything except English and Lit. Yeah. And I’ve stopped going to church. Mostly because I just can’t be bothered. My parents think I’m going to friend’s churches (Relationship with parents really bad at this point too), but really I’m staying at home, using the computer.

And 2-3 weeks later, everything falls to bits.


Life wasn’t great to begin with, but I was kinda dealing. But this particular week, everything just shattered and at the same time. All my results got owned. English and Lit included. Friends kinda hated me. Parents…lol. I had no money. And my love life..

Hey, don’t laugh at the love life bit. Okay. That was painful.


Lol. Er. Yeah. So I had enough, and I was upstairs alone somewhere in school above the canteen feeling very bad about myself. And suddenly I can’t take it anymore and I break. I break down, start sobbing, (ok the sobbing part had been happening quite frequently over the past two years of my life, its been quite bad), and I tell God that I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for running away from Him and I’ve had enough, I want to come back, I want to come back like the prodigal son, I’ve tried things my way and its failed horribly, I can’t be that kind of person, and I can only be living in You. But Lord please please will You show me a way. I want to come back to You but can You please show me a way.

):


I end the prayer, wipe my tears, and feel a bit better about myself. There’s this vague sense of peace, but not really? And I go downstairs wondering what’s going to happen now, because I really have no idea, and I don’t do this repentance thing very often. ._.


And I’m downstairs, and I see Grace Kee being surrounded by a group of guys, her classmates, and they’re heckling her like crazy, because she got them all in serious trouble a week ago when they swore, bullied, insulted and threw things at their form teacher, and Grace ran out and told the principal.

This is River Valley, mind you. Prestigious top Chinese school or something. Lol.


And the guys have all these really logical reasons about why there was no harm done, the teacher never tells on them anyway, they’ve done it before, there was no need for you to go and get us in trouble, you didn’t want to do it because you’re the class monitor or anything, you just wanted to get us in trouble. And the whole class was there agreeing with them.

And Grace was alone on this, but she simply kept repeating that “She felt it was wrong”, and you could see the fervor and conviction there.

And she was just there, doing that, and being an awesome testimony to me right there at that point in time and it was like God telling me “Here, this is the kind of Christian I want you to be”.

And it was an amazing thing for me. She didn’t even know it. Now somehow, over the past two weeks, I had gotten kinda close to Grace, and Maria (who are both in COOS), and I knew they were in COOS. And Christians.

And that’s the kind of Christian I wanted to be. And I got to thinking: If COOS can produce good fruit like that, how can they be all that bad? For Maria and Grace have this general reputation for being super nice, especially Maria, for always letting people walk over her because she’s so nice, its like a running joke in Maria’s class. And here I am, a Christian like them, but nothing like them at all. And they are from COOS!

For I’ve been told my whole life growing up that Charismatic Churches are bad, they don’t follow the Bible, they do their own practices, they do funny things not in the Bible like speaking in tongues, and only Jesus can heal people, etc. And when told about it, always given two churches as an example. City Harvest, because they’re the biggest, and COOS because they’re just next door.

So yeah. But I’ve just been amazingly touched by God, and I want to come back to Him, so the next week I go to COOS for the first time ever with Grace and Maria to find out what I’m missing.

And I am awed. As in, the songs are so familiar, songs I used to sing in BB back in primary school, and you can just see that everyone is loving God so much! As in, all those pointers about COOS and you know, they just jump around, they want to have fun, its not really about God, its bad, went right out the window.

Because I could clearly see, and feel, all around me, that the focus of this whole thing was only God. Only God. In everyone’s faces. It wasn’t about having fun, but wholehearted devotion to serving God. And the passion was so evident there.

And I was like whoa : o
And Pastor Jen came up to give the message. This was about end July 2006. And the message just spoke so greatly to me. Like she was using her own experiences to talk about something, and it was exactly and I mean scarily exactly what I was going through in my own life. Things like that. Like God was speaking right into the most wounded parts of my heart.

And over the next few weeks and months, God proceeded to break me down every single week, with the messages from Pastor Jen and Pastor Bee?, and the altar calls that were directed pointedly at me, and just being so real in my life(:


I mean, I still didn’t really know what to make of the tongues thing at first, as in the weeks I happened to be there at first, for some reason there were no or very little tongues and stuff, until Pastor Derek came down. I was very sensitive that week, and very conflicted, I remember. Haha. Went up to Pastor Bee afterwards to ask questions, and read that whole part of Corinthians regarding it.


But even though I didn’t quite know what to make of it, I stayed anyway, for it was clear that God was in this church, for you could see so much good fruit being produced, and I stayed.


To cut a long story short, 2 years down the road, look at me now, and where God has taken me, its been a crazy two years, and I feel the only two most real years of my life. When people ask: “What’s the most favourite moment in your life”, I can’t answer them, because every single week when I come and pour out my heart to God during worship, it is incomparable to anything else I’ve experienced throughout the week, even though it may have been a blast that particular week. Nothing can compete! And it happens week after week! :D


And its just been, whoa, lah. Haha. Plus my background coming from Fishermen Of Christ Fellowship, and still being stuck in the middle now cause my whole family still goes there, has given me a greater sense I think than most people my age about how inter-church conflict and gossip and judging and all can be so bloody dangerous. And how it can escalate so badly. And how its such a serious problem and very real today.

Things like that. You know last week at service, 26th July, a girl from Natalie’s (Melodie Ghui’s sister) cell came up to me and told me that God told her to tell me that “He has something very special planned for me, to not be discouraged and not lose faith”! And things like these keep happening. Over and over again. And I simply cannot deny the effect He’s been having in my life, miracle after miracle, and I couldn’t get away from Him even if I tried. Haha.

All the glory to Him (:
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I think my posts are too wordy. BUT I DON'T HAVE A CAMERA SEE. HINT HINT.


Ha.



Things I want to be important to me:

God
Dance
Love
Craziness
Swims, runs.
Friends
Soccer and other random things.
A book to lose myself in.


I have very simple needs, haha.



Gosh I need a game of soccer. I haven't had a good old one in years. I think that's almost literal. Someone? ANYONE? I need to run, chase the ball, sprint like nothing else matters, lose the ball, run halfway across the field again, jump, chest, shoot, score. Die gasping afterwards. And do it all over again. I need to feel the freedom in my limbs again. Sitting in front of the com just doesn't cut it, and turning on youtube to pop to something isn't quite exactly the same. BLAAAGH.

That said, I miss having a good book to read too. A nice warm tight little room, a huge comfy chair, a steaming mug of cocoa or something, a fire going, a radio going on softly in the background, and the phone within arm's reach. And the dog right over there by my feet in the basket.


No, I don't actually have a room like that, but just wait. Its right next on my wishlist right after the room all full of pillows and the pool in the middle of the house above the dining room, which is like below, and the pool is the ceiling. And the run with my three dogs.





WHAT. IM A DREAMER. HOW IS THIS A SURPRISE TO YOU. HAHA.



Just because I don't stop to think doesn't mean I don't stop to dream. :D





Quotes are coming out of my ears today, it seems. :x




HAHA OKAY BRB