Ponder

Looking at people's blogs like Hannah, Keenan, Mel and so forth, I am envious.



That assuredness and closeness and paying of attention to God's call, and that love and faith and grace that is shining through so evidently in their lives.



And the willingness to pursue it.


While I'm over here talking about wanting to grow closer to God and all, but still messing around with things like Pool Parties.


Which is cool and all, but increasingly it is being made clear to me that this isn't where I'm supposed to be.

And I have so much more to learn. Maturing in the faith and all. The thorny soil sums me up so aptly. I want to grow in You so much Lord, but look at all these other things I'm paying attention to instead of you. Not because I don't want to, but because they're choking me );


And all I have to do is quit. Walk away.


If only if it was as simple as that. I love SU. I really do. I can see so much good work I can do here for SU, and for the student body. And I love my team. And I'm not just about to cut and run. I refuse to be a failure.


I still effing want to make the pool party a success. I have huge dreams for Halloween. I want to be a part of FOC. I want to make Ngee Ann a damn bloody fun and happening place and I want to be at the forefront of that push, the revamping of SU.


I. I. I. I. I. All me. They're great goals, but where is God in this.


Asking me to quit SU


There. I said it. Its out in the open.


My crowning achievement in my years here, and it hasn't even really started yet.

And about a month ago at EverGlow God nudged me to quit it.

And I didn't understand why, not really.


And its like, I go "God, I can handle it, I can try. I can juggle"

And He goes "no you can't, let me show you why you can't"

Me "But I fit in here"

Him "No you don't, you fit in exactly here, right here, worshipping me"

Me "Its true"

Me "Well I can't quit now. People and things are depending on me. I can't just cut and run. Ok what about if I don't run next year. Just let me serve out my responsibilities"


Him "Ok sure, if you feel happy about it. But look at all the things you're missing out on, and I'm going to keep showing them to you, through your friends, through everything"




And it has been happening. Bumped into Joshua that day, who gave up SU so to commit more to CF, and now is heavily involved in organizing Poly Day Of Prayer, which is going to be awesome and such a huge blessing. Keenan is doing cell outreach, and growing closer to God and other people in Christ, affirmations and the like. Hannah. Yisin. People who have one less thing to distract them from their pursuit of God.


And their lives are so much more blessed by it.



Its gotten to the point where I'm unwilling to go to God in prayer partially because I know what he wants me to do.


I think im gonna go pray now. And cry. Newswriting and MM can wait.