Raw.

Hello. I couldn't get on last night, but last night's service was amazing and I was compelled to write it all down before I forgot. And yes I'm posting it live exclusive only right here yupyup.

Anyway:

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Hello Lord[:

Hah better type all of this down before I forget huh : D

Yeah. Its been a crazy week Lord. Sinking into self-loathing and disappointment, feeling left out, trying to get away from the one thing I can so easily fall into, and juggling everything else on the side. Hitting camp, negotiating the whole cliques thing jumping in blind, praying before going, trying to live my faith at camp but not really working because I’m afraid for me and my faith to be labelled freaky, the automatic reaction for me to hide my bible when someone walked past, being unable to overcome that fear of being asked to stand up for my faith – because I realised I would have no idea what to say to someone that said “Hey, why do you believe in God? Why are you reading that bible?” I mean I could say “it gives me comfort to read this” “but why? Why do you believe in God?” And I realised I had no ready answer to that. For some reason. I forgot the basics. I love You, God, and You’re the only reason for my being, but what makes me believe in Your existence? What proof do I have?” I am in awe of You, and I Love You, and without You I am nothing. But honestly to tell that to someone else “It gives me comfort” sounded so..delusional. Like I wanted comfort so much that I was willing to believe in just about anything. That was the reason for my fear. Also, it made me think. “How come I don’t know what to say to a non-believer?”


Today you set me free Lord :D You reminded me of the biggest thing you did for me. You told me again why I loved You. Because you offered me freedom. You offered me freedom. Freedom from fear, freedom from judgement, freedom from responsibility :D Cause the whole week I had been thrown with so many responsibilities and I wanted to do them well TO HONOUR GOD but frankly it was getting depressing. That fear of failing. That locking myself into stress because I desperately didn’t want to fail for You Oh Lord. And I was starting to ask myself why do I bother. I forgot Lord. I forgot that you already paid on the cross for my sins, for my possible sins I might do in the future to screw up my projects, and as such you’re ultimately responsible for all the screwups I might cause. Freedom from responsibility :D Its back to basics, Lord. I forgot the basics. I love you and I’m searching for my purpose in life for Your and try to honour You but I forgot why I do all of that! Why I love you! Because you give me daily comforts? Because you’re in control of my whole life? Yes! BUT MOST OF ALL BECAUSE YOU SET ME FREE.


Freedom is what you offer to all who come to you :D That’s the hugest selling point. Your freedom. Your perfect freedom through the fulfilment of the law, your law that shows what is right and wrong, because laws and rules are made to promote freedom of all!(Like my medsoc debate showed:D) Except that laws themselves also shackle..but you paying for all the breaking of the laws that we might do sets us free from that too, breaking the paradox of the law, giving us PERFECT FREEDOM that the world cannot ever possible achieve :D

And why do I believe that you exist, Lord? Because of all the proof in your name? The existing proof that there is an underlying layer of order to the universe that randomness could not possible achieve? The living proof of your existence, historical records of the life of Jesus? Oh all that is cool and all, but its icing on the cake :D Someone told me of the existence of this perfect person that died for my sin and promised me freedom of happiness and everything, and I CHOSE to believe in Him IN FAITH, and HE duly rewarded me. I took a leap of faith in believing You existed, AND THEN you revealed yourself to me in ways that I CANNOT possibly deny. Like your miracles. You would only reveal your tender mercies and miracles AFTER I believed you could(: Why would you try to prove yourself to man through signs if they were unbelieving anyway? “I will believe in you if you do this for me” No Lord, that is not your way. Because that means you listening to the orders of someone else. And you refuse. Because you are God and we are little people(: And my belief in you is through faith. Testimonies come AFTER faith (: And oh you have given me plenty :D


Today’s sermon was amazing too, Lord. A perfect reminder that I believed in You because my value is in You. And I decide to follow your way, your treasure because your deal simply is the better deal! That the way of the world is IMPOSSIBLE to follow? Chasing after value in all that is simply NOT POSSIBLE! But you show a better way. We just have to believe in you. And you will give us freedom. And that value we search for :D

Our broken lives, our flaws, in exchange for your life. Yes please Lord :D And you are the only living sane entity that would offer us a deal that you would lose out so badly on BECAUSE YOU LOVE US. And I thank you. My thanks cannot be described in words. You didn’t have to do that. But you loved us(:

And that’s why I believe and commit to you(:

And the bad stuff Lord. The bad stuff I’ve done. You offer me freedom from those things. Those things I do in search of joy and freedom but in the end shackle me down! Things I do and see your way as restricting me, when your way is the FREE WAY! You see me as value, Lord. And I’m sorry for tearing myself up. It must hurt you badly. Like how I would be hurt if I saw a person in front of me tear up a 100 dollar bill. Because it had value to me. How much more Lord you hurt when I tear up my life. I’m sorry):

But I’m forgiven for that because you love me endlessly and boundlessly :D


I cannot begin to describe the perfectness of your salvation plan Lord :D



And I thank you Lord Father Daddy for being pleased with me for coming to You(:

I just broke down Lord, so badly, when Marcus told me that you were pleased with me. You cannot – okay you can- know how badly desperately I look for approval from my father. And my own father doesn’t give me that. To hear that You were pleased with me – oh Lord I just started sobbing so badly Lord hot tears of relief.

How can I not believe that you exist when you heal me like that, when you pay attention to me like that, even as you are somehow ministering to so many people in the church and heck around the world that very moment!

And how can I not follow you with the gifts you’ve given me (:





So thank You once again Lord for so much tonight(:

For:

1) Reminding me powerfully that You exist
2) Reminding me again why I believe in You – because it was a leap of faith
3) Reminding me again why I follow You – because you rewarded that leap of faith with so many gifts
4) Because you set me free
5) Free from fear, free from guilt, free from neglect
6) Free from responsibility and free from that constant need to prove myself
7) Because my value is in You, Lord, and I can’t change anything about that value :D
8) And reminding me of your love for me.
9) That you loved me so much you would give me a deal so heavily skewed in my favour, no strings attached.
10) My broken life for your perfect life for me :D
11) And telling me how much it hurts You when I do stupid things like ***** that tear up my value
12) Which is going to help me to NEVER do it again, something I’ve been struggling with for so long(:
13) I’m never going to do ******* anymore again ever my whole life Lord. I’m ready to make that decision because I don’t want to hurt you like that, and I want nothing to stand in my way with You. And It drew me away from coming to you today Lord. That’s how serious it is. And thank you for showing me just how serious it is.
14) I love You God because you set me free :D Other things in life can give us peace and comfort, and its easy to fool ourselves into peace and comfort, but not only do you give those, you also give perfect freedom too :D
15) Thank you for showing me the basics Lord, I needed that today :D


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Mmm (:


*ponders if I should send this as a testimony to lala/josh. But I don't want to edit it and its hardly testimonial format...