Realisation

This evening I realized why I desire to be in control of my own life so much.

Because so often in my life, people who have been in control of me and are supposed to use that to love me, have so often used that to hurt me. 

And I'm so so tired of it all. That's why I prefer to be in charge. Because when I am, I can use that to not hurt the people around me that I'm in charge of. I can use it for good. And I'm so proud of that because I often have.

But also because when I hold the cards, I can't be hurt.

All my life syncs up like that. In church, I've always have issues with the idea of giving my whole life over to accountability because I don't inherently believe that someone wouldn't abuse that, even if their intentions were as well as they could possibly be. I have no control of that. And in WoW, I so often gravitate to tank in dungeons because I set the pace, I set the tone, and I can stop people being mean to each other. The moment I go DPS I feel completely at mercy of everything and everyone, and can't do very much about saving a bad run. At least as a healer I can save things to a certain extent. But if I'm the tank, nobody else has to be a shitty-ass one.

I have bad days too. And I've seen me have selfish moments. I'm not WoW-Jesus. I've left groups under the cover of internet anonymity before after I've gotten what I wanted (I'd say rarely, but it doesn't help much in my moral defense.) But...it's on me. I'm in charge.

A few weeks ago, my dad pulled my uni support. So very often in life have my parents pulled the internet, and only recently because I have the power to stream it on my own phone have I gained the control to beat that. Just earlier today, my mom refused to dole out the Xbox controllers - which I never ask for, I play like a few times a year - for my best friend and I because my brother is having Os.

I'm 22. And I told my mate not to come.

This is the thing. If I'm in charge. No one can hurt me except me.

I used to think "Wow, thank God I understand God is not like my earthly parents. That He'll never leave me or forsake me and He's always going to do the best for me - and because He has perfect wisdom I can count on that His best really is going to be the best. He really does know best and it isn't flawed."

But...I guess I can see where so many times in my life, despite me saying that, I can't inherently trust that He really has the best and so I take control. Because I'm so afraid of getting hurt or shortchanged.

Yeah. Keann-is-such-a-cool-dude-isn't-afraid-of-anything is afraid, is so so afraid. Up one to the psych dept.

I'm sorry Lord. I really love You, but I'm sorry that I'm so so flawed and because of that I can't love You properly. And the mad, mad thing is that You love me anyway. I'm so sorry for constantly hurting you without recourse.

I'm so, so sorry.

But thank you (: 

/Hug

I only come here when bad stuff happens, evidently.

Today has been hard.
This year has been hard.

My world has shattered three times over already, and I'm not sure how many blows I can take.

Rachael.
Jail.
And now university is slipping out of my grasp.

My father decided to withdraw support for my university education today. All my dreams for going overseas next year - shattered. I know - at least I think I know - that God promised to bring me to Brisbane for uni.

I think.

But I guess He also never really said next year.
I think.

I'm going to be relooking at the prophecies in my life long and hard, I think.
I guess my small comfort is that even when I forget God's promises in my life, He doesn't.

I'm ultimately okay.

I'm in God's hands, and He's a God that loves me unconditionally. Trusts me unconditionally. Loves me extravagantly. Believes in me, and takes joy in me.

I wish I could say the same about my father.
Dad decided to withdraw my university support today because he felt that I can't handle my life or finances. He wants me to work for the next two years first, to prove to him that I can save up $50,000. So he can trust me with the money he'll put in for my education.

Which is not entirely unreasonable.

But two years.
Two more years. I'm looking at finishing uni at 30 now. And I never wanted that. My college life, shattered. I already waited two years being in the army, with the understanding that I was going to go.

And I'm so angry. And so hurt and sad. That I should have to prove myself to my father.
That's not the God I know, that's not the Father I know, that's not the love I should know.

I could have always done the make-lots-of-money thing. I fully believe that I can go overseas and stay there on my own. God will provide for me even if my family doesn't. My God is greater and his riches are more than abundant. I know this. I always have stood on this.

But I wish I had parents that believed in me too. It would be nice to have.
I don't know what that's like. I've spent so much of my life defending myself, protecting myself, trying to make it on my own without my parents. And I'm not entirely sure why I should have to. Not when I've been around other families that are just so nice and healing to be around because man. Its just good.

But that's the way the cookie crumbles I suppose. I wish I could trust my parents to believe in me.
But I don't have it.

But I have God. When all else fails, I know I have God.
Time to go be amazing for the next two years, and beyond. Time to make lots of money, and to bless, and to be an amazing success.

But not for my parents. Never for my parents. Not because I have to win their approval, or earn their trust.

Never that. I refuse.

I do this for me. Because I am amazing. And its time to make it happen.
Time to be amazing.

I wish I could have parents along for that.
But I don't, and that's that.

This is never for them. But I'll happily, gladly, prove them wrong. Gloriously.
I don't need your lack of support.
I wish I needed you less, and I'm going to work to.

I don't know if I can ever forgive you. I'd like to one day. Maybe one day I'll look back and grudgingly admit that you were right to do this. Maybe.

But right now, no.
Just no.

Time to go.
Please teach me more things, Lord.
I trust you.

*self-hug*