Desperation.

Gotta post. Gotta write. Gotta write. Must write. Word vomit.

I miss you. I miss you so much. Its probably irresponsible to say so, but I do. I'm sorry for so much. But I do miss you. Just another typical guy trying to get over a typical breakup with his beautiful but typical girlfriend. Nothing the world will lose sleep over. But its real. To me. It hurts. It burns. Its like my chest sucks in and can't breathe, and it tries, and all its squeezing in is the black thick ooze of regret. I was better before. Went to run last night. Haven't run in months. Couldn't not run. Didn't want to run by your place. Knew I was going to end up doing so, like an idiot. So I did.

Where else was I going to go? I thought about showing up at a friend's, running there, Keenan, Josh, Angie, La, anyone. But I'm not ready to take my relationship with anyone to that level. That level where you're standing outside their door in the middle of the night - creepy. I'm that rational at least.

So I ran. To yours. Like how on multiple nights when I was trying to get over Anna breaking my heart, I'd ride all the way on a bike to Harbourfront to the bus stop outside her condo...sit there for hours, listen to angsty songs and get questioned by the police who think I'm mad. That was five, six years ago. I've never wanted to go through anything like that again. In some ways I think I've walled myself up to never feel like that again. You know how much I try to do things on my own. Handle it. Fix it.

Because a long time ago when I was in a dark, dark place, I had no one. Not parents, and I had no friends. So I learnt how to deal without them.

And now I have friends. Because God is good. But I've tried time and time again to not involve people with my problems because I've found out I don't need them, and I try not to waste other people's time if I can handle it on my own. Why affect anyone else? This is on me.

And then the dam broke after two months of being strong, two months of knowing the reasons why, two months of working not to miss you and then the damn dam broke.

I'm desperate now. I can't do this.

It hurts that you're finding somebody else. It does. Haven't I always said, always told you, always told me, that breaking up means you have to know you have the freedom to go out there? Whether you find someone else or not, I shouldn't ever be a factor in that decision. Don't make me. Go and be free. I still mean it. I have to. It is the right thing. It still sucks.

It sucks so much. And yet I want to know. It hurts to know, I know, I've had practice. Practice carrying a torch for a girl I crushed on for two years that kept telling me about somebody else, and I sat there and took it because I wanted "her to be happy".

And yet, in some ways I'd rather know. I don't know if I should. But I'd rather know. AND TO WAKE UP THIS MORNING AND TO FIND OUT YOU'VE CHANGED YOUR TUMBLR AGAIN ._.

I've lost you. I think I have. And the worst thing is that I started this. I really wanted this breakup. Believed God telling me it was the right thing to do. Struggled with it like a mad person. Finally did it anyway. The same way I believed God telling me it was the right thing to do to tell you I had feelings for you in the first place. I've thought on that, and I still believe that. I can't doubt the voice of the God I love.

Was asking Him in the shower late last night - "Why? Did you tell me to tell her I liked her all those years ago? Yes. I believe that. Then why did all that stuff happen after that? Did you tell me to break-up with her? Yes. But why? WHY IS ALL THIS STUFF HAPPENING NOW."

And I believe you when you say God is doing something amazing in your life. I'm glad. I wish He'd do the same for me. I'm waiting for it. It hasn't quite happened yet but I'm in a place where I'm desperate. Desperate enough to go to cell. Desperate enough to drop on my knees at the altar from start of service till end of service and not care what anyone else thinks about what I'm going through. Desperate to ask a thousand people if they can please talk to me because I don't care about how weak I look anymore.
The spiritually-trained side of me knows that this place of brokenness is a good thing. Is a place where You can come in. But it still sucks.

And yet...I don't understand. If God is being amazing in your life, and you love Him like crazy, why are you going on dates? WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO. Why is that even a thing? I'm sorry. I know that's not fair. God can do anything He wants. I gave you to Him, and if He wants to give you to anybody else well - And its not my right to judge or cross-examine anybody else's walk with God. Or call question to it.
But, a small, tinny part of me, it rails at me and whispers "She's telling you to go spend time with God, and she's going out there and having dates. She just wants you to get better and forget her."

I know that's not fair. I've always tried to be fair. I don't know if I want to be.

Oh goodness.....this is not the way to win you back. Not off some gorgeous confident guy who seems to be doing everything the perfect Christian way and is gorgeous at guitar. Being whiny and broken is never the way to win anyone back.You know this, Keann.

The terribly sad part, is that while part of me wants to jump up and fight for you. Fight for us. Fight for what we had and could have.But I don't know if that's what God wants for us. WHY IS THAT EVEN A THING. WHY DO I WANT TO CARE ABOUT THAT. WHY DO I ): People have told me I'm crazy for breaking up. I THINK I AM.

Why do I have to care about what God wants for us. /cry.

Deep down there is a rational part of me that trusts God and responds to His wisdom. It was there last night when I was finishing my run. I felt better. Happy. Called Angie. Came home, felt better, in a couple of hours everything hit me again.

I don't want to love anybody else. I don't. I don't know if we're the best for each other, but I've given you so much. As have you. We could have made it work. We were talking about it. All those beautiful and silly conversations about marriage, about kids, that you loved and I never got tired of.

And now you're going to have those conversations with somebody else. Have breakfasts with somebody else. Give that special smile to somebody else. Be held by somebody else. Kiss, live, love, share with somebody else.

I don't want to start it with anybody else.
I've built, poured out, gone places with you that I don't want to go with anybody else.
I don't want to have to build again.

And there off you go.

I once said that this is a terrible thing we're giving up, something that looks so good to so many people, but we're trading it in for hope in a higher destiny in God, because if we're not, all this is meaningless.
The words meant something, briefly, last night, post-run.
They seem so hollow now.

No matter how far and fast I run, I can't run away from myself. I come back and all of this is still here.
I still love dance, and I'll love it for the reasons I do, but it still seems hollow.
WoW....please. Sheesh.
The only way I can fill this void is with You, Lord.
Please come.

#icantdothis